Human Resources (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Love in the Time of Postpartum - full transcript

What? W-w-where am I?
H-How did I get here?

Oh, no, Becca, we're lost!
And there's no land in sight.

You'll miss your first day back at work!

It's probably for the best.
You won't be able to handle it anyway.

You're right.
I-I'm just figuring out the mom part.

How am I supposed to go to work too?

What if you're so exhausted
you think the baby is a turkey?

Then you put the baby in the oven
and the turkey in the crib!

And now you have to raise the turkey
and eat the baby!

- Worst Thanksgiving ever!
- What was that?

- Probably something terrible.
- And we're all alone out here.



- And nobody cares if you live or die!
- What about Barry? Barry cares, right?

Barry? Barry? Barry!

Barry!

- Barry?
- Oh, yes. Barry seems very concerned.

What? Who... Who are you?

I'm Kitty. Your new best friend.

Oh. Okay. I haven't slept in weeks.

I could use some company.

I have an idea. Let's see how hard
we can cry without waking up Barry.

Okay, that sounds like a good plan.

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ So real, so good, so fuckin' real
So real, so good, so fuckin' real ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel ♪



♪ It's like I'm powerful
And a little bit of tender ♪

♪ An emotional, sexual bender ♪

♪ Mess me up, yeah
But no one does it better ♪

♪ There's nothin' better ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

I'm tellin' ya, Sonya's a damn wreck.

That poor bug is spiraling down
a drain full of shit and alcohol.

She needs a change.

I know it's my go-to,
but she needs to get fucked.

Well, it'd be nice
for her to meet somebody.

Get out of the house, have a little fun.

You mean, like,
set her up with a stud to crack her open?

Yes. I love matchmaking!

Fixing people's problems
by forcing them to fornicate.

Yeah. Who's the lucky stud?

Ooh! What about Gavin?

Ugh. He's an asshole.
Plus his tits are fake.

Well, who do you got, Mr. Picky Pants?

Oh! I do know know a recently single dick
with great tits.

I... I don't know if I'm ready
to get out there again.

You seem too focused on tits.
Can we expand beyond tits?

Fine. Wait. Oh, oh! Hold on.

I've got the perfect guy.

- Or gal.
- Yeah, right. But this one's a guy.

Okay. But I'm just saying,
we gotta consider the females too.

I got that,
but my person, who will remain a surprise,

and please don't challenge me on this,
is a dude, and his tits are spectacular.

You're now officially my second favorite
thing to do in the bathroom.

I'm so glad you followed me
in here when I did actually need to go.

- Mm...
- Mm...

Aww. Y'all are sweet
as a condom full of Kool-Aid.

Oh! Kitty... Uh...

We were just, uh,

testing the weight limit.
Uh, okay. Yeah, she's rock solid. Good.

- So's my donger.
- Oh, my God.

I love it when you say "donger."

- Donger. Like that?
- Oh, fuck.

- Mm...
- Mm...

Peace, babe.

Dante, right?
It's a funny story, actually. He...

Oh, no, I get it. Young love.

Oh, you think Dante loves me?

That must be why
he's so comfortable asking me for money.

You're hilarious.

Darling, I cannot wait
to work with you on Becca's team.

Oh, yeah, I'm a riot.

But, oh shit. If you're on Becca's team,
does that mean she's depressed?

Oh, just a little postpartum,
but it can be fun.

Last night, Becca and I ate
cold lasagna from a mug

and watched 35 episodes
of House Hunters back-to-back.

Oh, my God, will you adopt me?

How about I take you
to lunch tomorrow instead?

I could pick your brain about Becca?

So, when you say "take me,"
does that, uh...

Don't worry, honey. It's my treat.

Great. Yeah,
'cause I gave all my money to Dante.

He needed to buy a birthday gift
for one of his exes, so, you know,

he be shoppin'.

God, I am exhausted.

And you look like the Crypt Keeper
in a Donna Karan suit.

Mommy's home. How was your first day back?
I bet you killed it.

Yep. If her job is crying in the bathroom,
she fucking kicked ass.

Jake! Oh, there's my little guy.

- Oh! Oh, no. Did I do something?
- Don't be scared. It's just Mommy.

Oh, dear, has the baby
forgotten you already?

Abandoned by his mommy for a legal brief.

This is exactly what happens

- when you go back to work too soon.
- Ugh.

- Oh! Guess what? He rolled over today.
- Really?

Here. Here! I have a video.

Oh, my God! Did you see that, Becs?

Oh, I messed up
and the camera's facing the wrong way.

I'm so glad you didn't miss this!

- Well done, Barry.
- Babe.

You... You look so exhausted.

Is it possible
that you maybe went back to work too soon?

- Barry gets it.
- I look exhausted and I'm a bad mom?

Thank you, Barry. Very cool.
Let's fuck, please.

- Really?
- No!

- Oh.
- Sounds like Barry never wanted

you to go back to work in the first place.

Fuck that. Becca, I swear to fuck,

if you let that bozo
trap you in the house like Alf,

I'll kick your ass back to Melmac.
I'm binging Alf. Fuck you. It's funny.

Oh, Kitty, I am loving
this Christmas-themed restaurant.

The most depressing time of the year
all year round?

Yes, please.

Ho ho ho.
Tell Santa what you want for lunch.

Santa, I'll start with a candy cane colada
and make it a double. Thank you.

And I'll have a whole ham, please.

Oh, that sounds good.
Make that a double too.

So, how has it been as Becca's Lovebug?

Well, it was rough at first,

but now we're buds and the baby's cute
and lazy and barfs a lot,

so we really get each other, you know?

But that husband.
He's a real wet blanket, isn't he?

Who, Barry? Oh, yeah, he's a dud.

"I'm Barry. I think
yogurt raisins are candy. I'm Barry."

That is Barry spot on.

Now, you don't think
it's anti-Semitic, right?

- It's kinda more just fun?
- I think it's accurate.

Barry's a total joke.

Do you think...
Oh, I hate to even suggest it.

But do you think
she even loves him anymore?

Hm. Well, everything he says annoys her,
and I've never even glowed for him once.

Also, when he turns to the side,
he looks like her dad.

Yeah. I said that to her
and she started crying.

Oh, honey, I'd cry too
if I was married to... Barry.

- See? That's not anti-Semitic.
- He's just a loser.

- Who happens to be Jewish.
- Incredibly Jewish.

Maury, where the hell
is your damn mystery man?

Trust me, he's gonna show.

He just likes to make a sexy entrance.

This was a stupid idea.

Just let me go home

to drink my penne a la vodka in peace.

- You drink it?
- Yes, Maury!

I blend my booze into my food

so I don't pass out
before I get as drunk as I want to be.

- Is that okay with you?
- That is brilliant. That's really smart.

Yeah. Get your shit together, girl.

What's up, sports fans?

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Maury! This is your sexy fuck stud?

The pleasure to make your meeting, Shauna.

Ugh! You've worked with me for years,
you fucking moron.

Rick? Really?

I didn't know he was gonna wear the piece.

Casual yawn.

Don't fucking touch me, E.T.

Wow, you really like alcohol.

What's your favorite part?

When it goes in red
or when it comes out yellow?

Jesus Christ.

Hey, Shauna.

You look like you want to kill yourself.

Okay. I'm out.

Oh no! My hair system!

My confidence is plummeting.

Hey, welcome home.

Baby's sleeping, dinner's ready,
and Barry's had a glass of daddy juice.

Hold on. Jake's already sleeping?

You were running late,
so I put him to bed for you.

Oh, dear. Seems like Barry doesn't think
Becca can take care of her own child.

Well, can you blame him? The last time
she held the boy, he screamed so loud,

I thought Charlie bit his finger.

I said, I thought Charlie bit his finger!
Nobody remember that? Just me.

So, what do you think?
I made us a romantic dinner.

Hey, sorry I'm late. I had a whole ham
for lunch.

What'd I miss?

- Uh, Barry made us a romantic dinner.
- Eww. Why'd he do that?

I don't know. But for some reason,
e... everything he does disgusts me.

Well, I can think of one reason.

Right. Oh, yeah.
Because she doesn't love him anymore.

- Bingo.
- What... What'd you just say?

I thought you knew
from, like, your behavior.

- Oh, God, maybe the bug's right.
- Barry drives you crazy!

- He doesn't know you at all.
- Did you marry the wrong man?

- Just like your mother?
- Honey, do you want some salmon?

No, Barry. I don't want any salmon.

Whoa, hey, I... I'm just trying
to do something nice for you.

All I wanted was to put the baby
to sleep. I'm working all day.

I don't get to see him,
I don't get to hold him.

Okay, okay, I get it.
You're super stressed-out.

- I'm not stressed-out. I'm just...
- Well, just what?

I'm just not sure
I love you anymore! Okay?

Whoa. She said it.

Uh... Guys? What the hell am I
supposed to do now?

- Go after her.
- With your pants around your ankles.

You want some more daddy juice?
And maybe some daddy Xanax?

Don't you worry your little head, Barry.

Your team's on it.
It's all going to be alright.

We're fucked! Fucked! Fucked!
Fucked! Fucked! Fucked! Fuck!

What the fuckin' fuck
are we going to fuckin' do?

I don't fuckin' know!

Hello? Cat? Mr. Stevens?

Are you going to just sit there
and doodle in your coloring book?

Hey, yeah. Sorry. Sorry, man.
Yeah, doodling helps me think.

And what exactly do you think,
Depression Boy?

I think we shouldn't be
doing anything too crazy.

But she doesn't love us anymore!

See, I think she does, Tito.

Well, we got to do something.
Something big.

I know! We should round up
all the local perverts and do a flash mob.

- Make her feel special.
- Now, that's a plan!

No, it's definitely not.

No, no, no, no. Make Becca feel special.

Show her we listen and we see her.

Guys, good news!
The local perverts are in!

And a few out-of-towners.

Melvin and Johnson...

- Guys, are we sure about this?
- See, I'm not.

I'm on record as saying
we should just eat a gummy

and wait for all this to blow over.

Don't listen to him!

I am the Lovebug and I know love.

I invented the saying,

"Kiss Me, I'm Irish," for fuck's sake.

And I invented an app for perverts
to keep in touch with each other.

It's called Creep'R,
because Goop was taken.

Special delivery.

- Barry?
- Aww, he brought Jake.

Who the fuck is Jake?

Aww, look at him in his little suit.
It's kind of sweet.

No, it's kind of manipulative.
Is he trying to ruin her career?

Yeah! Becca's trying to pretend
she never had this baby

so her co-workers don't think of her
as a human being.

- Oh, my God. What a little munchkin.
- Hello there. Yes, hello.

- Becca, didn't know you were human.
- God damn it! Motherfuckin' shit!

What are you doing here?

Excuse me,
whose dumb fucking idea was this?

Tyler wanted to gather
a horde of perverts.

Um... Once you reach a dozen,

it's called a "splooge" of perverts.

Barry, go home. Now.

- But, Becc...
- I said go home!

What's going on? This is so unlike you.

Don't tell me what I'm like.

- Yeah, don't do that. We hate that.
- Everyone is looking at us!

Your co-workers think you're a bad lawyer
and an even worse mom!

And you're mean to your husband!

Who looks like your dad
when he turns to the side.

- Becca, can we just talk?
- Stop! I can't do this anymore.

What do you mean you can't do this?

Oh, Father Baby Jesus,
don't let her say the D-word!

Barry, I don't want you
here right now, okay?

Please go before I say something
I can't take back.

Tyler, I never thought I'd say this,

but I think the time has come
to call your perverts.

They're already here.

Oh my God, you guys, there are, like,
eight splooges of perverts out there.

Yay!

Oh, dang!
I went to high school with that guy.

Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up. Fuck you. Shut up.

What the fuck?

Hey, Shauna!

I think you forgot your silverwear
and your napkin at the restaurant.

What? That's not... No.
What the fuck do you want?

Is it just me or did we have,
like, a super-sexy vibe last night?

Are you kidding?
No, there was definitely no vibe.

Oh. Maybe it was
just a hard, sharp doodie.

Oh, God.

Nah. I'm pretty sure it was vibe.

Ooh!

A pizza box.

You got such a messy house, Shauna.

Please go fuck yourself,
you walking canker sore.

There's that vibe again, baby.
You make yourself comfortable.

I'm gonna clean up around the house here,
maybe eat some of these boxes.

Ugh! Fine. Do whatever you want.

I gotta go back to sleep.

Boy, you sure do love
to drink wine and be sad.

Screw you, Rick.

Being sad makes me happy.

Alright, I'm not gonna lie.
I have yet to hear

one good argument for why
Becca and Barry should stay together.

Ever hear of a little thing called
"wedding vows"? Hello?

"Manifestation of love and devotion
before family and God"? Nothing?

Darling, that is all in the past.

Yeah, and now there's a new Lovebug
in town and she says time's up on Barry.

She... She is me.

Well, if she got to know Flanny and Barry,
she'd dig them as much as Becca does.

Oh, please. Becca doesn't love Barry.

And why would I want to get to know him?
No offense, but he's a lemon.

Okay, okay. Ju... Hear me out.

Let's compromise.

How's about an open marriage?

- Any takers on that?
- Ooh! An Indecent Proposal?

Call me Demi Moore 'cause I am
still friends with Bruce Willis.

He's actually a pretty great guy.

Don't negotiate with these losers.

Team Barry is a joke.

Mm... Because we're funny?

Uh, no, 'cause you're fuckin' pathetic.
You don't even have an Ambition Gremlin.

Or a Shame Wizard.

Hey, guys.
Gonna throw something out there.

What if all these differences between us
are actually a good thing?

She doesn't love him!

I hear you, Kitty.
But maybe what you're not considering is...

Alright, guys! Guys, guys!

Before you start expressing your glands,
maybe we should call it a night.

Pick it up in the morning.

Yeah, 'cause we're clearly not making
any progress with these fuckin' dildos.

- 'Sup?
- Oh, my God.

Hey. Hey, that doesn't even work.

Dude, where does all your chill, laid-back
confidence come from? What is your deal?

No deal. I just think Becca
still loves Barry.

Uh... Okay. What makes you think that?

The fact that she says
that she doesn't love him,

or the fact that my butt goes ice-cold
when he walks in the room?

That ice-cold booty aside,

Becca and Barry
have a history you don't know about.

- Let me show you.
- Whoa! Where the fuck are we going?

The Memory Bank.

Whoa! Oof!

The what?

The Memory Bank. Check it.
It's pretty cool, huh?

Uh... Dumbass, this is a cafeteria.

Yeah, the cafeteria at Penn.
Fall semester, freshman year.

Barry and I
were in a pretty dark place.

He hadn't changed
out of those pajamas in a week.

Oh, God.

Hey, um, this food sucks, huh?

Yeah, but there's so much of it.

I'm Becca.

You're, uh,
in my statistics class, aren't you?

- Mm... We should totally study together.
- Oh. Okay.

Whoa.

Becca got us out of our head, you know?

Oh, my God. Is that Sonya?

Hey, I'm Sonya Poinsettia.
Pleasure to be working with you.

Enchanté. I'm Flanny O'Lympic.

I hope your girl
likes to be smothered emotionally.

Well, her dad is very withholding.

- So, yeah, I think she'll be into that.
- But Becca never talks about her dad.

Well, check out this memory.

Bit of a tight squeeze.

I... I can't believe he... he's not coming.

You know what?
Fuck your dad. It's his loss.

But who's going to walk me down the aisle?

Well, you know how you always say
I look like him from the side?

You're crazy.

Alright. Wow, that's very cute.

Right?

Oh, shit. I...

I think I kind of like Barry.

Looks like you kind of love Barry.

Relax. It's just a flicker
for that hot dead Jesus on the wall.

Okay.

It is. He's got those "Son of God" abs.

What in the cocksucking fuck is that?

Oh, it's a fort, mama.

I made it all by my own self, baby.

Wow. Holy shit.

You wanna come in?

Uh... Fuck no, but thank you for asking.

Come on, baby. I got a flashlight,
comic books, bubblegum cigarettes.

Fine. Just please shut up.

Don't break the fort!

Wow. This is kind of nice. And quiet.

Sometimes, when you got a lot of trash,
you gotta make something cool out of it.

Oh, man. I do have a lot of trash.

Aww. You look like
you want to kill yourself again.

What's wrong? You don't have the guts?

I just lost my way.

I lost my job and look around.

I've turned my life into garbage.

Yeah, but garbage is just a fort
you haven't built yet, baby.

Huh. You're very wise, Rick.

I know, Shauna.

It's a blessing and a curse.

I think... Yeah, maybe
I've been drinking too much.

And I think maybe I've been eating
too many bubblegum cigarettes.

Oh no!

My awesome fort! I broke it!

I love you!
We had such a vibe!

Whee...

Oh, hello! Here's your "Fuck Barry" tote.

Ooh, I'm gonna use mine
at the farmer's market.

And here's one for you, Emmy.

"Barry totes sucks."

Uh... About that, Kitty,
I... I've been thinking, maybe...

Is it possible we should
give Barry another chance?

Emmy, this is not what we talked about
at lunch, which I paid for.

But Becca and Barry have a history,
and... and they actually have real love.

I... I think this marriage
might be worth saving?

Good point.

If they got divorced,

she would be the one paying alimony

to that lumpy dumpy doofus.

The man is holding back her career.

Barry doesn't even have
an Ambition Gremlin, for Christ's sake.

Well... Well, maybe
Barry doesn't need an ambition gremlin

because you're terrifying enough
for at least two people.

Bitch! Thank you.

- I'm starting to feel our dynamic.
- Aww.

Oh, oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

And maybe Barry doesn't need
a Shame Wizard because I'm so awesome.

- Sure. That.
- That's Becca and Barry, man.

They're like weed and cartoons,
they totally complement each other.

Oh, come on! This is ridiculous!

We all agreed,
Becca's problem is... is Barry.

I'm sorry, Kitty,
but I think her problem is you.

Excuse me?

You are the reason Becca thinks
she doesn't love Barry anymore.

Oh, shut your trap, Hairy Garcia!

Becca's doomed to be miserable,
and she should just give up

and stop fighting and drown already!

Oh my God. You don't even care
about Becca, you postpartum puss.

What do you know?

You're a worthless little Lovebug
who gets finger-fucked in public

by a creep who doesn't even like you.

You wouldn't know love
if it smacked you in your weird left tit!

It's not weird, it's just bigger!

Now, who says we give Barry another shot?

- Yes!
- I do!

Sorry, Kitty.

Oh, please. Barry can't help her.

Our fella's got more to him
than you think.

Yeah.
He does this funny wiener dance

when he gets out of the shower.

Oh, I shouldn't be showing you.

I'm on probation.

Hey, Becca?

- What do you want, Barry?
- Can we talk?

Ignore him, we've heard it all before.
Your phone is your husband now.

Yeah. If he has something to say,
I'd rather read it in an email.

Hold on. Just hold on. Hear him out.

You guys have history,
and, I mean, he walked you down the aisle.

Okay, Barry, fine. Come in.

- Listen, I... I know you've been feeling...
- You don't know what I'm feeling.

You're right. I... I don't.

I really, really don't.

See? He's trying so hard.

Hey. You remember when I wouldn't stop
listening to Kelly Clarkson

and I couldn't get out of bed?

Yeah. That happened more than once.

And you always showed up for me.

Well, now, I'd really love
to show up for you. If you'll let me.

This guy will not give up.

Exactly. He's Barry!

What I'm saying is,
I'm not going anywhere.

Unless you want me to leave, I mean,

and then I'll leave, but it's... it's
because I respect you so much.

Why are you being so nice to me?

I... I've been fucking awful to you.

I can handle it.

Hey, "What doesn't kill you
makes you stronger," right?

Barry, never quote
Kelly Clarkson again.

Becca, "Some people wait a lifetime
for a moment like this."

Oh my God. Please stop.

- What's that?
- Oh! I brought Taco Bell.

What's happening?

I know the doula said it can make
your breast milk spicy,

but you deserve a treat.

I'm glowing.

Holy fuck, I'm glowing.

Wait a minute, are you glowing
for Barry or the chalupas?

For Barry! Eww. I can't believe it.

This is fuckin' awesome! Oh, the love!

He cares about you so much,
and he really knows you.

God, I'm so horny for love right now.

Also, you feel the glow
in the front part too.

To Becca and Barry, two beautiful,
sad fucks who deserve one another.

And you two, saving the fucking day.

Sonya would be proud.

Guys, next round is on me.

SpaceX just bought my pervert app.

Yo, real talk, Emmy?
You were pretty incredible back there.

- Um... I know.
- Oh, are you glowing right now?

I can't stop.

Oh! You know what?

I should use my butt to find coins
under the booths.

- Hey, I liked working together.
- Me too.

You sure you're a depression kitty?
Because you got real Lovebug vibes.

Hey, hey, don't tell nobody,
but there's a rumor

that my great-grandmother
hooked up with a Lovebug.

Well, I'm glad that she did

because I'm glad that you're here

and, you know, that we're here together,

and also there's booze...

- Wait. I... I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.

- I... I thought you wanted to...
- No, I do. I... I did. I just, um...

I'm kissing someone else lately.

- Hey, Emmy, you sexy thing.
- Hey!

- I didn't know you'd be here.
- I, um, invited you.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right.
Cool, cool. Uh, and who's this?

Cat Stevens. I'm... I'm Emmy's new friend.

Yeah. Cool. Nice to meet you, Steve.
So... Hey! Hey, you guys want some drinks?

Let's do it! Let's do some shots!
Oowa oowa!

He didn't even ask what we want.

Yeah, he's gonna get tequila
'cause it fucks you up the fastest,

so that's what we all will have.

Gotcha. He seems nice.

Well, look at that.
You guys saved a marriage,

and I got one of my Amish clients

to draw a sexy chicken in the dirt.

Sounds like we both had a pretty big day.

Yeah, I just wish
we could've helped Sonya too.

I know. I'm sorry about Rick.

I honestly thought
he would be good for her...

Weirdly, Maury was totally right.

Sonya! What the hell are you doing
behind the bar? Get out from there!

Well, Rick helped me realize
that I'd been spending so much time here

because I missed work
and had no place else to go.

So, now, this is work.

- How'd you get a job here?
- My guy Rick pulled some strings.

They owed me one
'cause I was the one who caught the guy

who was making
hard, sharp doodies in their sink.

It was him.

Caught myself brown-handed.

Honey, are you sure this is a good idea
with all your drinkin'?

- Oh. Rick's helping me give up booze too.
- Pastor Rick, man. This guy's a brother.

He's really quite amazing.

To my dear friend Rick.

- To Rick!
- To Rick!

Toothpicks!

Are what's in my sharp doodies.

Barry, I think
I might be at sea for a while.

That's okay.

But I'm glad you're here with me.

And, you know,
"My life would suck without you."

Oh, babe. I love you.

♪ Guess this means you're sorry ♪

♪ You're standing at my door ♪

♪ I guess this means you take back ♪

♪ All you said before ♪

♪ Like how much you wanted ♪

♪ Anyone but me ♪

♪ You said you'd never come back ♪

♪ But here you are again ♪

♪ 'Cause we belong together now ♪

♪ And honestly ♪

♪ My life would suck without you ♪