How to with John Wilson (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - How To Cook the Perfect Risotto - full transcript

To thank his elderly landlord for all the times she has cooked and cleaned for him, John attempts to make her favorite dish.

Hey, New York.

I spend a lot of time
with my landlord.

I usually go down to her apartment
around 7 o'clock,

and we watch Jeopardy together.

She even gives me slippers
to make sure my feet aren't cold.

And insists that I call her "mama."

Thank you, mama.

She also likes to come
into my apartment

and hand pick all the trash
out of my trash can

so, that I can save money
on trash bags.

She shows me art that she made.



That's very nice.

And brings me cactus.
And cucumbers.

And insists on doing my laundry

because she says the laundromat
has lice in it.

Thank you.

She's the only person in my life
that I never vape around.

If I ever need to take a puff, I always
just run back to my apartment first,

and then I come back down.
And she never seems to notice.

But the nicest thing is that
she likes to cook for me all the time.

Sometimes it's a stew... Or a dessert.
But it's always delicious.

Thank you.

I really wanted to repay her for
all the amazing food she made me.

Then I remembered she once mentioned
that her favorite food was risotto,

and I bet it would impress her a lot if
I could figure out how to do it right.



So like any good tenant,
I decided to surprise my landlord

and see how hard it really is
to cook the perfect risotto.

HOW TO COOK
THE PERFECT RISOTTO

As legend has it,
the first documented risotto

was made by a glassblower's
apprentice around 1809,

for a wedding feast.

And ever since, it's been enjoyed

and re-interpreted by chefs
all over the world.

When preparing an ethnic dish,
the most important thing

is to respect the rich cultural
heritage from which it emerged.

And a great way to do that is to learn
a few words of the language.

"Buongiorno" means good morning.

"Buona sera" means good night.

A "cavallo" is a horse.

But we both have the exact
same word for "limousine."

And "pepperoni."

And if anyone is rushing you,
just kindly say "uno momento,"

and that should solve the problem.

If it's your first time making risotto,

you'll wanna research who the best in
the world is and see how they do it.

Based on the videos you find,
it seems like you need to be

in a completely tranquil,
zen state in order to do it well.

There's always been a certain
charm about risotto.

But charm by itself doesn't cut it.

You need the perfect texture.

You need the perfect flavor.

It also seems like having
a risotto journal helps a lot,

because you need a place
to sketch your dream risotto

and take notes during the process.

But if you don't personally
know any competitive chefs,

it might be a good idea
to just ask around

to see if anyone knows
how to cook it.

So, when you're walking
around your neighborhood,

just keep your eyes peeled
for any Italian flags.

And if you see one,
just start walking towards it,

and hopefully someone near
the flag will know how to cook it.

Do you know how to make risotto ?

Risotto is actually one
of my favorite dishes.

Really ?

And if you ask nicely, he might
give you a lesson in his kitchen,

just for you, one on one.

- Your stock has to be really good.
- Yeah ?

Because if it's not...

What kind of rice do you use ?

You have to use Arborio,
there's no choice. Monica !

We need the Arborio rice up here.

- Okay, I'm coming.
- I think it's still downstairs.

I do butter, I do butter and olive oil.
Extra Virgin, has to be.

Okay.

Here we go, we do the...
I'm so sorry.

I've been doing this for many years,
I don't measure anything.

Monica ! I need the small cutting board,
under the sink, please.

You have to constantly stir.

Parmigiano-Reggiano, you have
to use that cheese. Hold on !

- Don't distract me.
- Okay.

- You need sea salt.
- Okay.

Monica, is my white pepper up here ?

- No, I think it's downstairs.
- Okay, thank you.

You gotta follow the rules.

But mostly you gotta make
your own rules that work for you.

It's not one size fits all, my friend.
This is how you make a risotto.

And after the lesson, if you're lucky,

he may also show you
some of his artwork that he made.

Now, this is the Southwest,
like the petroglyphs, Arizona.

I believe there is also,
you know, alien beings over there,

that gave us a little bit
more knowledge.

In Arizona ?

Yeah, well, all over you know,
the Aztecs, the Incas.

Wait, the aliens, like they...

I think we are,
we have definitely been,

we have been impregnated by...
We are actually the aliens.

So once you've heard enough,

head straight to the store
and get all your ingredients.

Chicken stock, parmigiano, butter,

shallot, garlic,
and that special Arborio rice.

And don't forget the peche.

And when you get home, it's time to put
everything you learned into practice.

Start by getting into that tranquil,
zen state of mind.

You need the perfect texture.

You need the perfect flavor.

Then you're gonna boil
four cups of chicken broth

and set it aside for later.

Then you cook the shallot,
I think, and then the garlic.

Then after a couple minutes you put
the rice in and stir it around,

and then, a little wine I think.
I'm pretty sure.

Then while that's going you're gonna
need to check one of your eBay listings

that's ending soon
while the wine reduces.

But then it starts to smell

so you put it on medium,
medium low, that seems good.

Then you take the broth
and pour it in a ladle at a time

until it's absorbed by the rice.

And while you're waiting for that,

you try to say hello to your landlord
who's gardening outside.

Hello, mama !

But if she doesn't hear you, just put
in a ladle of broth and try again.

Hey, mama !

And continue this process
until you're out of broth.

Hello, mama !

This should take around
fifteen minutes.

Now it's time for the peche.

But you don't have a blow torch,
so you can just throw it on the grill.

But don't forget about the rice.

When the fish is on fire you can
take it off. It should be done.

Then you gotta grate some cheese
as a finishing touch.

But not before you notice that
there's cat vomit all over the floor

and you have to clean that up first.

And then you can stir in the cheese.
But you're not quite done yet.

Then stir and toss with energy
until oozy and creamy.

And then you're on the home stretch.

And you can put everything
on the plate.

And your risotto is complete.

But when you're done, it doesn't
look quite like the Italian's did.

And it may seem a little gluey.

And when you review everything
you did in your risotto journal,

you can't understand
where you went wrong.

You figure homemade chicken
stock could help,

but it's not enough to save
your second attempt.

And your third attempt
is a scorched mess.

Mushrooms didn't help your fourth.
It was gluey again.

And despite your rigorous note-taking,
each time you try,

you'll fail for reasons
that you don't fully understand.

And you may start feeling a carousel
of frustrating emotions

that are brand new to you.

But just make sure to swallow
your frustration

and try not to ruin the surprise
for the person you're cooking for.

At this point, you may notice that
you're also having a hard time

with other simple, everyday tasks.

And it's not just your risotto
that's suffering.

And then you realize that all your
problems may have something to do

with the fact that you haven't
had nicotine in over a week.

Back when you were
in your early twenties,

you started smoking to look cool.
And it worked.

But that slowly developed
into a pack-a-day habit

that went on a lot longer
than it should've.

And then when you turned thirty,
you decided to finally quit

combustible cigarettes and go digital,
like everybody else.

You would blow clouds wherever you
wanted, like you owned the streets.

You even developed a vape-sized
hole in your pocket

that you kept having to sew shut.

And that lead to a sore on your thigh

that never healed where
it poked through your jeans.

Finally seeing the amount of trash

you generated over the course
of a month disgusted you.

So, a week ago you froze
all your vapes

in an attempt to stop yourself
from consuming any more nicotine.

But the cravings still persisted.

And you begin to regret quitting
at a time like this

because your nicotine withdrawal is
turning your cooking into dog shit.

And maybe before you can perfect
the art of risotto,

you're gonna need to perfect
the art of quitting first.

They say that the first couple
of weeks are the hardest,

and it's a good idea to remove any
former triggers to break the cycle.

But everywhere you look in New York,

there seem to be reminders
of your addiction.

And even the dry ice you use
to break up your stool

reminds you of vaping.

So if you want to master quitting,

put yourself in a new environment that
doesn't remind you of vaping at all.

You may not have been skiing
since you were a little kid,

so you rent some gear
and hit the bunny slope

to try to ski down safely.

You remember being okay at it
when you were a kid,

but it turns out to be a lot more
frustrating as an adult,

and it's not actually that relaxing.

So you take a nice,
scenic drive to clear your head.

But after a while, you might
get stuck behind someone

who seems to have a problem
with their exhaust pipe.

And it kind of feels like
they know you're trying to quit.

So you get out to tell him about
his problem at the gas station.

That's just a by product
of a lot of fuel and air.

- Yeah ?
- Yep.

But after talking to him
a little more,

you're surprised to learn that
he was actually doing it on purpose.

I'm addicted to it.
I'm all about diesels.

Do you like diesel at all ?
Do you like diesel ?

- No.
- No ?

He still kept spewing a lot
of black smoke in your face

and when you think about
how inconsiderate you felt

from blowing just a little vape smoke,

you wonder how anyone could
justify such a toxic hobby.

What would you say to someone

that would like to see
this practice kind of banned ?

I think the only reason
they'd want it to be banned

would be pollution, which, I guess
if you're all about pollution...

But the thing is,
everything makes pollution.

Like, anything that you... If you go
to Wal-Mart and buy a bag of chips,

that's plastic, that's made...
That's pollution.

It's been made from something.

There's been pollution made
to make that bag of chips.

or whatever you're buying.

Is that person gonna give up

everything that they do in their normal
life, are they gonna not get in a car ?

Are they not gonna go to Wal-Mart
and buy whatever ?

Whenever I can...

I don't know, it's hard to say.

I don't know.

I'm trying to think
of a good response.

Maybe some people are just more
comfortable doing whatever they want

without any concern
for the effect it has on others.

But it get you thinking about everything
that goes into a bag of chips.

And then when you're at the store,

you notice that the chip bags are all
about to burst, and you don't know why.

Do you know why this is so blown up ?

The altitude.

- The altitude !
- Yeah !

Okay !

If that's the case,
it seems like the bag

was only a couple hundred
feet away from popping,

so you bring it up with you on the
ski lift to see if it would burst.

It's a little tighter at the top,
but it still doesn't pop.

And even when you take it
up in a helicopter,

you still can't seem
to get it high enough.

Alright, this is as high
as we can go.

Higher.

A little higher.

But the guy won't go up high enough
because he says it was too dangerous.

So you take the bag of chips and drive
it up the rest of the way yourself.

And as you're hiking
your way towards the summit,

you notice a house
that was hit by an avalanche.

The mattress looks intact, but there
are no bed sheets, which means that...

You know what that means.

At that point, you'll realize

that nicotine has been
so far from your thoughts for so long.

This was the first time you'd been
able to ignore it completely

in over a decade, and it didn't really
matter if you got to see the bag pop.

You'll feel like a new man,
with a new brain.

And now you can finally
slam dunk that risotto.

So when you get home to New York,
make sure to reset your oven clock first

because daylight savings
just happened on your way back.

Now that you have a clear head,

you notice that your risotto problems
may have started with your cookware,

which is in pitiful shape, and it's
probably time to buy a new pot.

So you're gonna head out to the store.
And you're not even phased

when you pass a smoker, because
you're proudly nicotine free.

And you now have a healthier way
to deal with your oral fixation

that won't bother anyone else.

And when you hop on the bus,

you'll be surprised that
you're the only passenger.

Which is great, because
you can sit anywhere you like.

And you may notice that some of the
Ubers have started taping tissue boxes

to the outside of their car,
and you're not sure why.

But it looks like everyone
is trying to get a piece.

And you also start to notice that all
the TVs are playing the same thing.

When you get to the store, they seem to
be running a little short on cookware.

Luckily, you pass by a yard sale
on the way home.

The one pan they have looks
like risotto grade material.

But before you buy it, he might try
to up-sell you on some other stuff.

- That's Kevin Smith !
- There you go.

- This is handmade.
- Is that JFK ?

Yeah, this goes for $2,500.

Are you guys worried
about this virus ?

It think it's more like...
It's more like a flu.

Take care of yourself. Just wash
your hands and stay away from crowds

and it's gonna be okay,
it's gonna pass.

Alright, that makes me feel better.

So after you get your new pan, go ahead
and get the groceries you need.

Back at your supermarket,

you finally find a few
of your basic risotto ingredients.

And in order to buy them, all you have
to do is find the end of the line.

So if you can't find
the end of the line,

go next door to the Dollar General
for ingredients.

But unfortunately,
the only food they have left

is something called "Beanee Weenee."

So buy a couple jars, and hopefully
you can incorporate it somehow.

To get your fresh tomatoes,
you can always go to a Burger King

to see if they'll sell them
to you a-la-carte.

But when you get there,
you find that they're in the process

of covering the dining room
in caution tape.

When are you guys going
to open back up ?

I think when the city approves it.

Whenever my corporate,
my franchise approves it.

- That's as far as we know.
- Okay.

And to make chicken broth, you're going
to have to go to a live poultry vendor.

How much is a chicken ?

Look at the price.

But you can't bring yourself to do it.

So you try making the risotto
with the Beanee Weenee

and some leftover take out rice,

but it doesn't taste like anything
you'd ever want to serve to someone.

And the new pan you bought
is on fire.

And when you go to give your
dirty laundry to your landlord,

for the first time you feel
like a complete failure.

- You doing okay ?
- Yeah.

You hear about the virus ?

The virus.

Yeah it seems like
everybody's off work.

- I don't know.
- I don't know either.

- I think...
- I hope God know.

- He take care of all of us.
- Yeah, I hope so.

And you might start
to read a lot about

how elderly people were
at the greatest risk of getting sick.

And you might get scared about
passing anything between you.

So, for the first time in years,

you do your own laundry at the
laundromat down the street.

But while you're there,
you might find out

that everyone is gonna have
to stay home for a while.

So you move your entire office
back to your apartment,

and set yourself up to work
from home until this is all over.

Hopefully very soon.

At least you have a lot
of time to think now.

And to do things you've been meaning
to do for a long time.

Like finishing that jigsaw puzzle,

killing all the cucarachas
in your apartment.

And you can finally keep
a close eye on the stock market.

Your one share of Domino's pizza
seems to be doing well right now.

But watching new episodes of Jeopardy
by yourself is a lot less fun,

and you really miss
spending time with your landlord.

- What is a pandemic ?
- We'll accept that.

Health and medicine
twelve-hundred.

When you look in the backyard,

you see that she started
to cover her mouth in the garden.

And when the special rice that
you ordered finally arrives,

you're not sure what to do with it.

But then you notice that your landlord

has started to secretly walk
up the stairs

and put food there
for you to eat later.

This seems like a great workaround
that you didn't think of before,

and you figure you could probably
do the same safely with her.

But you want to be absolutely sure

that there's no way that this plan
could give her the virus.

So you call your good friend
who is a nurse

to see what she thinks
about giving your landlord food.

Like for me, I wouldn't give food
to anybody from me

because I probably have had
or have coronavirus.

It seems unlikely that I... Yeah.

I think it's unlikely...
I've heard, I mean, I don't know...

I think that it's unlikely that it
transfers through cooked food.

Nobody knows.

- The food is cooked.
- Yeah, the food is cooked, right ?

I don't... Nobody knows !

And at that point, you may
not really know what to do.

It might be too dangerous,
but if you don't give her risotto

then she might go out
looking for it herself.

And get it from some other boy.

Food can't come out of nowhere.

It's got to some from somebody.
And it looks like other people

are taking care of their
landlords no problem.

Maybe you can still get close
without causing any harm.

But it's hard to know how close
you can get before you...

Before you hurt it, her.

But as you continue to debate
this with yourself,

you hear an ambulance outside.

You see that your landlord
is getting into it.

So you text your landlord's daughter
to see what's wrong,

and it turns out she had a stroke.

It's not the first one she's had, and
they needed to get her checked out.

You begin to curse yourself
for waiting so long to surprise her.

Maybe instead of trying
to perfect your risotto,

you should have just given it
to her the first time you made it.

And maybe now you'll never
be able to give it to her.

It seemed like there was no right
way to do anything anymore.

And every decision you made
to survive was a calculated risk.

And the world has no place
for a purist right now.

When your world gets
turned upside down,

it can be hard to figure out
the new rules and how to follow them.

You start to notice
everything that changed

since when you first
started filming the show.

People used to have to know how
to split the check at a restaurant.

But not anymore.

And just when you were ready
to take your covers off,

you had to put them all back on.

And no amount of scaffolding
can protect you now.

We used to try to keep animals
from invading our spaces...

But it seems like nature is beginning
to reclaim its environment.

And even the refs don't know
what the rules are anymore.

And it's getting harder
and harder to make small talk.

Your memory of the way things
used to be slowly begins to fade.

And you look for any sign at all that
things are returning to normal.

But the next morning when
you're cooking breakfast,

you see that your landlord
is back and in good health.

Hey, mama !

How you doing ?

You really want to catch up,

but figure it's best to keep
your distance for now.

When everything you know
has to be thrown out completely,

your idea of perfection should
probably be thrown out too.

And you just have to do
whatever feels right.

I guess it's just best for me
to stay in here for now,

where I can dream of the day when
we can finally eat together again.

Because by the time I'm allowed
to leave this apartment,

there's gonna be a whole new set
of rules that didn't exist before,

and I may just have to re-learn
everything I thought I knew.

But that's okay, because we're all
going to figure it out together.

And right now,
we got nothing but time.

This is John Wilson,
thanks for watching.