How to with John Wilson (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - How to Cover Your Furniture - full transcript

Hey, New York.

If you're like me,

your pet slowly destroys
every single piece of furniture

that you bring inside
of your apartment.

This is Baby, and she is
a vicious little rascal

that aggressively claws and...

Vomits on everything I own.

This makes it hard to shop
for anything nice.

Because it's guaranteed that I won't
be able to preserve my furniture

for longer than a couple of months.

There's a bunch of things you could do
to deter your cat



from defiling your stuff,
but a lot of them have mixed results.

You could try to coat your furniture
in citrus, which cats supposedly hate.

But if you also hate
the smell of lemon,

this can be a cruel punishment
for the both of you.

You can try putting tape
over their favorite areas,

but this may end up causing the animal
to relocate to new areas

on your furniture
that aren't covered in tape.

You can try getting
a scratching pole,

but they might not end up
using it at all.

But that's okay, because you can
always turn it into a hat rack...

A hat rack.

So if none of these options work,
and you find yourself

just counting down the days
until one of you passes away...

Furniture covers might be your
best bet. So buckle up, buster,



because things are about
to get pretty wet and pretty wild.

HOW TO COVER
YOUR FURNITURE

Now, a lot of people think that plastic
furniture covers are unsightly

and will judge you for your choice.

So, before you do anything
you might regret,

first you're going to need to be
confident in your sense of taste.

Everyone likes to think
that they have good taste,

but this is impossible,

because you can't have good taste
without bad taste.

What is beautiful to you might
be revolting to someone else.

And it's almost impossible for good
and bad taste to peacefully coexist.

This is what makes people who use
plastic covers such a rare breed.

They buy very dignified furniture,
worthy of a showroom or a museum,

but in order to extend its life
have decided to cover it

with one of the most inelegant
materials known to humankind.

But at the same time,
any lifestyle depraved enough

to require a permanent shield
against liquids is worthy of respect.

This plastic covering has been
on here for 40 straight years,

never been off, ever.

- 40 years ?
- 40 years.

It does look like
it's in very good condition.

This has plastic too.
So there's nothing on top over here.

You don't feel anxious, sitting
on the couch without any covers ?

I don't because she put
the slip cover on.

It's just that it's pretty worn in.

- Where'd you get this furniture ?
- We got it special made.

It came from Italy.

- The furniture is from Italy ?
- Yeah.

That sounds expensive.

There was a summer, I sat here eating
a tub of coffee ice cream,

and I spilled it on the furniture !

What about you,
what have you spilled here ?

I have never spilled anything.

- Really ?
- Yeah. I'm very careful.

The single most important thing
is the protection of the furniture.

So we can have furniture that
we can keep for 40, 50 years !

I bet if we take one of these off,
these would be brand new under there.

Yeah, I don't mind, they have zippers,
like you can remove it.

Let's see.

Be careful.

- Not even a speck of dust !
- You see !

The last time you sat on
that was 20 years ago ?

- Yeah, about 20 years ago.
- This is risky.

- Sit, Nana, good girl !
- Don't get used to it.

It seems like you guys got it
figured out, this is nice.

I feel... What is that ?
I see a little chip.

- No !
- Did that just happen ?

It seems like most people
cover their furniture

to make sure it stays
in mint condition.

So, if your stuff is already trashed,

you'll need to start by buying
something that's worth preserving.

Thankfully, New York has millions
of seats to choose from.

This city is a brothel
of exotic chairs,

and once you're finally
back in the market,

you'll notice that each one is
desperately trying to seduce you.

So once you find a piece of furniture
that's worthy of preserving,

just do a very quick bed bug check,
just in case,

and go to the cashier and ring it up.

And then you're gonna roll it
straight to the plastic cover store.

And hand it off to the guy
who's gonna make it for you.

This is 16 gauge plastic.

16 gauge, so how thick is that ?

That's the thickness of the plastic.

- How do you think this is gonna look ?
- This is gonna look dope.

Cool... Do you cover
your own furniture at home ?

No.

Every cover they make
is one of a kind,

and the plastic should fit
your chair like a glove.

Like a glove, bro !

So, after you roll it home,

get a couple of thin but kind friends

to help you move it up the stairs.

But when you finally
get it into your apartment,

it may look a little weird
next to all your other stuff.

And despite the fantasy
you've always had,

the thrill of pouring salsa on it
wears off after a few weeks.

And even if your landlord
thinks the covers are nice...

- This one's covered in plastic.
- Nice.

Your friends still may call you names
for having plastic covers

when they come over to hang out.

It also gets extremely hot
when it's warm out,

and I wouldn't recommend sitting
on it while you're in the buff.

And although your cat won't want
to go anywhere near this material,

neither will you.

When we try to domesticate animals,
we expect them to play by our rules,

but it's not always
in their nature to play along.

And people even try to control
animals outside of their house too.

Almost everywhere
you look in New York,

you can see stuff designed to prevent
animals from making their mark.

These things are here to stop birds.

These things are here to stop dogs.

These things are here to...
That's for stopping rats, I think.

But they still let the pigs go
wherever they want.

When I walk to work every morning,
there's a tiny little staircase

that gives me a half-second shortcut
on my way to the office.

I see a lot of other people naturally
do it too, but for some reason

the building management decided
that this was a huge nuisance

and put up a fancy red rope
to stop people

from walking down a single step
in front of their lobby.

Now everyone needs to make
a full right angle turn

when they walk past the building,

potentially taking away
years of your precious life.

I assume it's because
of some kind of liability,

but to me it seemed more
about the raw power that comes

with controlling ten feet of a private
corner in a high-end neighborhood.

And the more I looked around,
the more I noticed all the other ways

that the city treats
everyone like animals.

They put sharp stuff on the tops of
these so that nobody sits on them.

They put these metal things on ledges
so that skateboarders can't grind.

And they recently started
making the dividers

on the subway benches even taller.

So that it's even harder
to lay down on them.

Some people even designed very crude,

homemade solutions
to the human problem.

This all seems to be a way
to discourage undesirables

from using our beloved public space.

And when you look
at all of it together,

it's almost like the city
is trying to tell you something.

But like any species, we always
just find new areas to conquer.

Climbing to dangerous elevations

in search of refuge.

Humans will go through a lot of trouble

just to make themselves feel that
they're in control of their environment.

When I was a teenager,

my secret treasure was
the full set of Action figures

from the hit motion picture,
The Matrix, mint in the box.

It gave me the emotional
armor I needed,

even though nobody
really cared that I had them.

At the time, I was too old to play with
them, but too young to cash out.

And now they're somehow worth less
than what I originally paid for them.

I can't remember
why this ever made me happy,

but I knew that I wasn't the only one
who engaged in behavior like this.

Anyway, I heard that you had a pair of
shoes that you take really good care of.

So, these are my red bottoms.

By Christian Louboutin.

So you keep them right
here all the time ?

- Do you ever take them out ?
- These I won't wear ever.

You won't wear these ever ?
You've never worn these ?

- No.
- No.

Why do you think people want to keep
things in perfect condition ?

Who wants something
beat up and destroyed ?

Then it's meaningless. You know,
the opportunity or the ability

to kind of keep it intact
and in its original shape

to then pass it on whether
to generation or...

Yeah, or to have it as a showcase

and then talk about
when we have people over

and people could see it

and love it, appreciate it.

Sometimes material things
are so precious to people

that they go so far as to make
duplications of their possessions.

I heard that there are art collectors
who do this with their paintings,

to avoid having to hang
the original on their walls.

Many clients will do what's called
a "commissioned reproduction."

Basically making a copy of it,

and then they may put
the copy up on their walls

and put the actual work in a storage
facility where it can remain safe.

If you have a, you know,
30 million dollar Van Gogh painting,

then the stress of having that painting
on the wall may really not be worth it

and if you can lock it away
until it's time to sell it,

and you can still have that piece in
your house and look at it and enjoy it

and have your friends look at it, then
you know, you're benefitting from it.

- Do you have any animals ?
- No.

Why not ?

Because I don't like having to go home
in time for dinner to feed them.

I did like horses when I was little.

I rode them until I got allergic.

Maybe being too precious about an
object can just make you enjoy it less

and create a low simmering anxiety
that you can never escape.

I was out driving
with a friend the other day,

and he was trying to find
a touch-free car wash.

He cares a lot about
the condition of his car,

and he absolutely refused to go
to a normal carwash with brushes.

After finding a place
on Atlantic Avenue

that looked like it had
a touch-free cleaning,

he got in line and waited his turn.

Only when he reached
the end of the line

did he realize that it was actually
a touch-full car wash

and a lot of stuff
touches your car in it.

And when he demanded to be let out,

they told him that the only way
to exit was through the brushes.

I thought it says
touch free on the internet !

He completely lost it.

Fucking ruining my fucking car !

Immediately after he bought gallons
of bottled water to wash off the car.

He was inconsolable,

and we drove the rest of the way home
in complete silence.

I was starting to question if protecting
my chair was healthy behavior.

But I knew that Baby would just
start destroying my chair

the moment I took it off.

The last resort for most people
is to completely declaw your cat.

This is a deeply traumatizing procedure
that permanently disfigures your animal

and radically transforms
their personality.

They actually recently made it illegal
to declaw your cat in New York...

I think.

I could never do that to my cat
because not only is it inhumane,

but she's extremely good
at catching the mice

that hide behind my collection
of tapes in my apartment.

We're an unstoppable team,

and I could never alter her
evolutionary gifts for my convenience.

I wanted to see if there was anything in
the pet store that I hadn't thought of.

But as I walked to the PetCo
in Union Square,

I saw a mobile billboard

that seemed to be spreading
an anti-circumcision message,

and they even had a disturbing
replica of a baby as a prop.

This clamp entraps the foreskin
in between two pieces of metal

and when the doctor applies
the screw and thumbwheel,

it exerts over two tons
of force on the foreskin,

cause the purpose of that
is to crush it,

and they want the blood
to coagulate under the skin.

When this happens to a baby,
they're screaming the whole time.

They're screaming for their life.

I had never met a more passionate
advocate for keeping covers on.

He was so sure that we needed
this kind of protection.

What I like to talk about
is what are the benefits of foreskin.

And that is, foreskin offers
what we call the four powers:

pleasure, protection,
lubrication, and connection.

There's an old motto,
if it ain't broke don't fix it.

And nature put foreskin
on our bodies for a reason.

And women have foreskin too.

Maybe some coverings are nature's gift,

and it's a mistake to remove them.

But there's a lot of stuff
we do to our children

before they have
the ability to consent.

And it's hard to say whether
or not they will resent you for it

when they grow up.

We teach them to worship
certain things.

We pierce their ears
so they look glamorous.

We give them names that they have
to use for the rest of their lives.

And for the first time, it struck me
that my life might have been different

if I hadn't been circumcised.

Was I missing out on a world of
pleasure I didn't even know about ?

Maybe if my genitals were intact,

I would have had to shower
more often growing up,

and that would have got me
invited to more parties.

And with all that extra confidence,
I could have been a doctor by now.

Or an Olympic athlete.

Or a judge.

But maybe there was still hope.

The anti-circumcision guy
had told me about his friend,

that made a product designed
to restore your foreskin.

So I decided to pay the guy a visit,
and see what it was all about.

So, this is our home. My family lives
here, I raised my daughters here.

And in the basement of this home, is
the TLC Tugger production facility.

What a space.

Not only did he make every foreskin
restoration device by hand,

but he was also a musician and wrote
an entire album about circumcision.

You talked Bill Gates out
of a few hard earned simoleons,

to do a so-called study
where you cut some Africans.

But it's still clear that condoms
are the best form of prevention,

now that you've failed
who will heal those angry men ?

I'm gonna tug and grow
my foreskin back again.

I'm gonna tug and grow
my foreskin back again.

So, I'm presently wearing
a retaining cone.

Okay.

But that's not an active
source of retention,

that's not going to grow enough skin
so that you look like an intact guy.

So what's the tension...
How do you create the tension ?

So to create tension you need to tug

and for that you need
a tugging device like this one.

This is the TLC tugger. I place it
against the head of my penis,

force my skin up onto
the conical surface.

So this will clip to my device and
the weight will dangle in my pants.

Okay.

So there I've clipped
that same string to my device.

I'm gonna put my pants on,

and the weight is hanging
down where gravity

can still act upon it instead of
resting in the thigh area of my pants.

So this weight is gonna keep
working on me all day

because it's hanging freely
because of that string.

Anybody else in the house need
a grapefruit flavored seltzer ?

Coming right up...

- Cheers.
- Thank you.

So, with the pulley, I can move
any old way while I'm sleeping,

doing things involuntarily,
and the tension stays the same,

whereas with a shorter strap
if you curl up,

the tension, the slack...
The strap goes completely slack.

Does this ever bother your wife,
this chord in bed ?

Every once in a while,
I will do something with my pulley

and loose the grip on it

and make a loud noise
when she's asleep.

And she doesn't like that.

- See anything good lately ?
- Lately I just saw that...

My gosh I'm so old,
words escape me.

It's called... Parasite !

- Yeah, I liked Parasite.
- Parasite rocked.

Yeah that was a really great...

It was the perfect movie
because it was a morality tale,

it had virtue, it had vice, it had...

Don't get me started.

I was reading recently
that they're planning

on putting up a wall around Manhattan
to combat the rising sea levels.

I guess it's tempting to just
put a cover on something

when you don't know what else to do.

But maybe we just do it to avoid
having to face the real problem.

And it only gives us
the illusion of control

as the rest of our world
slowly falls apart.

My friend's hired
an interior designer recently

to help with their furniture problems,
and they let me hang out.

You could do a very small chair,
or you could even do a cool like stool.

Stool, yeah.

And when I told her
about my plastic cover dilemma,

she saw the problem
a little differently.

Again, I keep on... It's almost a
visual thing, but I think it's energy.

Even when I'm looking at you
right now I'm seeing a camera,

and I'm seeing you,
it's really interesting,

there's almost like a film
even between the two.

You're always used to having
some kind of protective mechanism,

and I think in some ways the camera,
it's done both, it's the paradox.

I think it's connected you
more than ever with people,

but yet there's always
like a bit of a separation

and a bit of you that's,
like, apart from it.

It sounds maybe kooky, but I would love
for you sometimes in your head be like,

"I should put the camera down right now
in this situation, I should be John."

I finally felt confident
heading into the future,

with or without a cover.

Nature gives things character, and
anything that happens to our stuff

along the way is evidence
of a well lived life.

And for the first time,

I wasn't worried at all about
my furniture getting destroyed.

Because I hired a fabricator to make
a commissioned reproduction of my chair

that is an identical copy
of the original piece.

So now, while my cat slowly
annihilates the replica chair

that sits in my apartment,
I can finally rest easy,

knowing that the original chair
that I love is safe and secure

in a temperature controlled
storage facility in Canarsie.

And even though I may never
sit in it ever again,

at least I know that I could.

This is John Wilson,
thanks for watching.