How to Sell Drugs Online (Fast) (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Failure is Not an Option - full transcript

Business is booming, and Buba wants a piece of the action - but the product is getting bad reviews. Lisa thinks Dan has been ignoring her.

[Moritz] Having our own business
had always been our greatest dream.

To make a ton of money
while also getting to decide

who you work with, where you work,
and when you work.

And if you know why you're doing it,

then it's almost irrelevant
what you're doing.

Bosses are winner types.

Employees are loser types

who use their free time
to try to realize their dreams.

Why would somebody
choose a life like that?

- Work time is life time.
- [doorbell rings]

[dog barking]

[Marie] Yeah?

- Can I come in?
- No. Who are you?


I'm a very good friend of Moritz's.

- I don't believe you.
- Why not?

Moritz doesn't have any friends.

And if he does,
they're either ugly or disabled.

A compliment from a nine-year-old.
Not bad.

I'm 11!

- [whistles] Hmm.
- Do you want to beat Moritz up?

Oh, we'll see.

Okay, then come in.

Down the hall, last door on the right.

[Lenny] Twenty-one orders in three days!

If this keeps up,
we'll need new inventory.

- And I'll need a garage.
- Huh?

For my Jet Ski!


Oh, Mr. Sander!

[Moritz] What are you doing here?

You still owe me money!

But first, delete that fucking photo
from the fucking cloud.

[paper crumpling]

- Okay, it's deleted.
- Yeah?

Ow! [groans]

You should always delete everything

from the fucking trash.

[Lenny grunting]

[Buba] Okay,
do you know what happens now?

I'll give you the rest of the money soon.
I promise... [grunts]

Wrong answer.

I'll give it to you right now. [grunts]

Oh, sorry, that was actually
the right answer. So...

Where's the money?

We don't have it yet.

- You just said you'd give it to me now.
- I thought that's what you wanted to hear.

- Yeah, I did.
- That's why I said it!

Yes, but only if it's true! [groans]

- You can have the rest of the pills now.
- [groans]

- [grunts]
- [Moritz] You can't hit a disabled person!

- Which of you are you referring to?
- [chuckles]

You think that's funny?

- Mm-mm.
- What the fuck?

What are my pills doing in that picture?

- Have you two lost your fucking minds?
- [knocks on door]

[Jens] Are you guys watching a movie?
Sounds intense.

[coughs] Do you want anything to eat?


But it's a really exciting part right now.

- We'll pop in a pizza later.
- [Lenny] Mm-hmm.

[Lenny] Two pizzas.
One for each person in here.

[Moritz] Exactly.

Okay, you fucking nerds,
tell me what you're up to here.

[Moritz] All right, maybe you can't always
decide who you work with.

- [sighs]
- Ow!

[upbeat music playing]

Fucking capitalism!

Fuck you all!


[theme music playing]

How dumb can you be?
A dick pic in the first message!

I've honestly considered making them
into a coffee table book.

"Dicks of Germany."

With Dan's, for instance.
He has a gorgeous dick, by the way.

- It could be good for the cover.
- Oh, Fritzi!

[laughs] What's wrong?
Can't I reduce a man to his looks?

- Mm!
- [phone dings]

- Besides, I'm looking more for you.
- Thanks.

Right now I'm just glad to be by myself.

Lisa, we both know what's going on.

For years you were everybody's darling,

then suddenly, snap, like Miley Cyrus.

First, Hannah Montana,
then "Wrecking Ball."

It'd be great if you'd stop
letting other people

make the decisions about your future.

You were unhappy, and you made a decision.

One on one, Dan was clearly the winner.
What are you waiting for?

Did you tell Moritz about the party?


Tell me one reason
why I'd talk to your ex about you.

- [laughs]
- Oh, fuck!

Mm. Remember 50 Cent, the rapper?

He used to deal drugs, too.
And you know how he got rich?

- Mm-mm.
- Rapping?


He got in on Vitamin Water,
the beverage company.

Yeah, he also invested in Bitcoin, and...

And this project with you two lunkheads
is my way out.

Well, strictly speaking,
you won't really be out.

You see, we were already looking
for a reliable supplier.

- Yeah?
- To avoid possible delivery bottlenecks.

I'm the most reliable
drug supplier I know.

- And the money?
- Let's say 10,000.

I want it by Tuesday.


You give us the 10,000.


That's your stake in the company.

Are you fucking kidding me?
Do I look like Shark Tank?

If we scale up recent demand,

we'll get a product turnover
of 450 pills per day.

That makes 164,250 pills per year.

According to the current sale price,
that gives us monthly sales of...

- 54,000 euros.
- Mm.

And it's an upward trend.

So, before anyone invests
to get a share of the profits...

let's say, for a third...

they'd have to invest
at least 10,000 euros.

Anything else
would be considered a gift...

and that's, unfortunately, illegal.

Check yourself.

Okay, boys.
I'll tell you how it's going to work.

I have two grand here.
I want you to turn it into ten by Tuesday.

Then we'll take it from there
as business partners.

- And if you run out of pills...
- [phone beeps]

- [ringtone plays]
- me by holding the 1 key.

And if Auntie Buba calls,

you pick up,
no matter when, no matter where!

- Got it?
- Yes.

Have you...? Okay. Then it's fine.

[clears throat] All right,
let's toast to that. [sighs]


Oh! You really drink this stuff?

Ugh. Boys, sugar is poison.

In Germany, three people die per hour
because of sugar.

Let that sink in... three people!
Per hour!

Okay, we get it.

Fucking geeks!

[door closes]


[dance music playing on radio]

Yo, Marie. I'm leaving.

Don't let those retards bring you down.


Close the door!

[scoffs] Girl power.

[Moritz] Calm down.
We won't need to defend ourselves.

The gun probably wasn't even real.

For this to work, we'll need a way
to replenish inventory, a supplier.

Like Foxconn and Apple!
Just because the supplier is evil,

it doesn't mean you can't work with them.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

We take the 5,000 euros
from our Bitcoin wallet,

plus the 2,000 from "50 Cent Jr.,"

then we sell the rest of the pills
till we have 10,000.

And then... then we close the shop.

Bullshit! Have you looked at the numbers?

Lenny, the people love us.

Have you read the customer reviews?

Here, "These pills suck.
I was totally freaked out." One star.

Look, this is in Spanish.

[Lenny] "What a load of shit.

Can we find the server location
and then... fist them to death?"

On Yelp, reviews always tend to be
on the negative side.

But on Yelp, you don't die
if your food sucks, man!

I mean, we don't even know
what we're selling.

Maybe we should test the stuff first.

Lenny, you dropped chemistry

because you were scared
you'd accidentally create anti-matter.

Exactly! We don't even know
what MDMA stands for!

Um, methyl...

Moritz, seriously?


See? We know what it stands for.

Hey, the guy has a gun!
If anything goes wrong, he'll kill us!

And there's nothing we can do about it.

Hello? Moritz!


Wait up!

[groans] Lenny, hang on!


- What's your fucking problem?
- You're my fucking problem!

[Moritz whimpers]

This isn't fucking GTA, Moritz.

When you're dead here, you're dead.

- You don't re-spawn at the next hospital.
- Relax!

This is almost 2,000 euros
worth of orders.

Just from this week!
I know what I'm doing, Lenny.

- Everything is cool!
- [siren wailing]

Freeze! Police!

Okay, guys. I have to go.
The fish are biting.

Oh, well. Crime doesn't sleep,
but you know what?

Neither do the police.

Take the pizza out of the oven, okay?

Wow! Seems to be going really well
with MyTems.

Here, I'll drop them off for you.

[coughs] There's a mailbox
on the way anyway.

No one will stop and search a cop.


I know what you're thinking.

But Steve Jobs didn't care that people
thought he was an asshole, either.

Some of the greatest geniuses
of all time were assholes.

Thomas Edison, for instance.

In order to prove that alternating current

was more dangerous
than his direct current,

he had an elephant publicly executed
with alternating current.

Carly Fiorina reinvented
Hewlett Packard,

laying off thousands of employees,

while tripling her own salary
and buying herself a yacht

and five private jets.

Jeff Bezos from Amazon
regularly sends employees e-mails

containing only a question mark
just to make them feel insecure.

And Elon Musk,
don't get me started with him.

Success isn't a popularity contest.

If you want someone's attention
who isn't interested in you at all,

you sometimes have to do
the exact opposite of what they expect.

[teacher] Okay, fantastic.

Aaron and Finn will do Cat and Mouse.

Next material, Spring Awakening.
Young love.

Moritz, Lisa,
that's something for you, right?

[girls giggle]

- Yeah, sure...
- I'm already with Gerda.

[teacher] Huh? Okay.

And people call
my profession monotonous. [laughs]

Then Lisa can do
The Sorrows of Young Werther...

- [phone buzzes]
- ...with Fritzi.

[Fritzi] Okay.


- Are you listening, Lisa?
- Mm-hmm.

- Put your phones away, guys.
- [phone buzzes]


[teacher] Lisa, enough.
Give me your phone.

I didn't do anything.

If it's that important, let's share it
with the whole class, okay? Hmm?

- Give it here.
- It's not important to anyone else.

- Either you give...
- Besides, you can't. Privacy laws.

Hand it over or leave the room.

[teacher] Okay.

Lisa has just won herself a date
with the principal.

- [students laughing]
- [girl] Whoo! [claps]

[3-D printer whirring]


Tsk. Oh.




Hey, Lisa.

Um, about this morning,

I get it if you don't want to do
a presentation with me.

That's why I'm doing it with Gerda.

That doesn't mean
I'm not interested in you anymore.

- [sighs, clears throat]
- [phone chimes, paper crumples]

[phone chimes]

Hey, Lisa!

Um, so I wanted to...
don't worry about America, okay?

I'm selling drugs now
and we'll get it figured out.


[phone chimes, paper crumples]

[phone chimes]

Hey, Lisa.

I, um...

If you need more of the... you know...

I... I might know somebody.

See you at school. Ciao.

[muffled chatter]

- [distant thud]
- [footsteps approach]

- [knock on door]
- [door opens]




I actually wanted... I wanted to...

I think it's good that you're focusing
on your chemistry again.

Maybe you can take over
the company one day after all.


- [door closes]
- [muffled chatter continues]




- [door opens]
- I'm divorcing your father.

He wanted to tell you himself,
but he can't even do that.

[door closes]


[Lisa on phone] Hey, Mo, I wanted to let
you know that the pills are dangerous.

They have PMA inside.
It causes hot flashes and serious barfing.


[Lisa] If you find out where to get
good Molly, let me know. Bye.


[gunfire and explosions on TV]

[men shouting on TV]

[man on TV] Son of a bitch!

- [Lenny] Fuck you, Moritz.
- [paper crumples]

I have to run back to school.

- A conference. [kisses]
- Bye.

[man on TV] It's now or never.
Are you ready?

[man on TV] And now take this.

- [gunfire on TV continues]
- [shouts]

[echoing] Hey, people,
welcome to Lenny's show!

I have some crazy info for you.



[dance music playing]

Did you know that David Prowse,
the actor who played Darth Vader,

didn't know he had to wear a mask?

- ♪ When I fly and I land, and I land ♪
- ♪ Fly and I land, and I land ♪

[Lenny] And he only found out
that they'd dubbed his voice...

- [woman's voice] when he saw the movie.
- [Lenny] What the hell?


[dance music continues]

[Lenny] Then, in Return of the Jedi,
he gets to take off his mask...

[laughs] but they replaced his face
with Sebastian Shaw's.

♪ Pop 12 of Molly
Now pop 12 a day ♪

♪ Little Molly, Papa perk ♪

♪ Now she twerk, now she twerk ♪

- [turtle screeches]
- ♪ Little Molly ♪

- [grunts]
- [thuds]

[brakes squeak]

- [doorbell chiming]
- [distant dog barking]

♪ Oh, you can feel it, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, it's a passion ♪

[music stops]

[lock clicks]

- Lenny?
- [Lenny groans]


What the fuck?

- [Lenny humming]
- Lenny.

[humming continues]

- Lenny?
- [Lenny muttering]


Lenny tested.

Hot. Lenny take it off. Take it off!

[Lenny retching]

[Lenny vomiting]

[Lenny inhales, coughs]

[Moritz] I think the pills
are really shit.



Turty. [kisses]

Lenny, you were right.

We won't have any long-term success
if our customers aren't happy.

[Lenny] Mm.

And they won't be happy
if we deliver substandard products.

[Lenny] Mm-hmm.

You know what Steve Jobs did when
he came back to save Apple in '97? Right!

He got rid of the Newton.

And why? Because the product was shit.

Sure, our customers say
they want to fist us to death,

but they have a point.

[Lenny groaning]

- Lenny? What they actually mean is...
- [groans]

..."We would be very pleased
if, after this unsatisfying experience,

we could receive a replacement product,
free of charge."

[phone buzzes]



[paper crumples]

Fucking pills. [groans]

[birds chirping]

[computer dings]


[automated voice]
Do you trust me now?

[keyboard clicking]

Well, that was fast.

Suggestion: I tell you something
nobody knows about me

and in return you have to tell me
something nobody knows about you.

I flew the F-16 for five years
and I killed at least 20 people.

- Your turn.
- Fuck!

[Moritz] Yesterday
I blocked my mother on Facebook.

Five years ago, she left me sitting
with my sister and father

for a better life with a rich asshole.

[shuddering breath]

[keyboard clicks]

[automated voice] Okay. Holy shit.
How much do you need?

[Moritz] Think what you will.

I disagree.

It's not at all crazy
to transfer all of our money

to a total stranger
from the Darknet instead of...

[phone buzzes]

...settling our debt
with the armed small-town dealer.

That's the difference between
people like me and people like you.

[automated voice] Good morning.
Payment received.

[soft chatter]

Selected items ready for pickup
close to you.

At 50 degrees 57 minutes 10 seconds north,

then six degrees 54 minutes
27.8 seconds east.

Tonight at 7:30. Good luck.

- [music playing over earbuds]
- [chatter]

Hey, Lisa.

What's up?

Fritzi said we should talk.

[Lisa] Mm-hmm.

[Dan] Hmm.

I have an important appointment
and I needed an okay from the school.

But I'm not allowed to talk about it.

- You know why?
- Mm-mm.

You could say
I'm something like a secret agent.


What do you have against me?

I keep texting you, but you never respond.


The hard-to-get act
isn't as sexy as you think.

What do you mean?

- I don't know, my Facebook messages?
- When did you message me?

Yesterday, today.

Ms. Novak, the principal
will be right with you. Go on inside.

- Johanna Schroen.
- [Johanna] Here.

Send me a heart.

All right. Now we're talking.

- Dominik Schroeder.
- Mm-hmm.

- Lea Wergboch.
- Here.

- [paper crumples]
- Hmm?


[tapping echoes]

[over PA] Hey, Moritz.

Here's a message
you can't delete so easily.

[students snicker]

You don't hack
into your girlfriend's Facebook.

And definitely not your ex-girlfriend's.

And just for the record...

you don't want to be with me.

You want to be with the me
from a year ago.


Don't you see that I've changed?

Why does everyone think
they know what's best for me?

If anyone should know, it's me, right?

So maybe you can all leave me alone.

Oh, and here's a song to sign off.

[pop rock music playing]

♪ It's hard for me to stay awake ♪

♪ It's hard for me to stay awake ♪

♪ In this dream I created ♪

♪ In this dream I created ♪

♪ When I was 17 ♪

♪ When I was 17 ♪

[automated voice]
Follow the street for 500 meters.

- She blocked me on everything.
- Shit.

I mean, did she think her private data
was secure on Facebook?

[automated voice]
In 350 meters, turn right.

[sighs] You think we can trust this guy?

I'm not in the mood to have a gun
shoved in my face again.

Aren't you the guy
who's not afraid of dying?

Relax, Lenny.

Purplerain said
we wouldn't meet in person.

[scoffs] So, how did your Purplerain
picture it?

- Up here.
- [automated voice] Turn right.

You will reach your destination
in 150 meters.

Your destination is at a remote location.

♪ I wanted to be ♪

[automated voice]
You have reached your destination.

You will reach your destination
in 50 meters.

[Lenny] Hey!

- [panting]
- Keep going.

Keep going.

- Stop!
- [groans]

[automated voice]
You have reached your destination.

Okay, it's supposed to be right here.

Dude, that's a fucking molehill.

We got ripped off.

Let's just keep going with Buba's pills.

Yeah, greatest pills ever.

"Hey, everyone,
welcome to the Lenny Show!"

- [mock vomits]
- [laughs]


- Moritz?
- What?

[plane buzzing]

[both screaming]

[Moritz] Honestly, is this what
two ruthless assholes look like?

Or two criminal masterminds?

I mean, not every genius
is automatically an asshole.

And not every asshole
is automatically a genius.

[Lenny laughs]

[Moritz] You can print that quote
on your T-shirt if you want.

And what do we do about Buba?

Give him his 10,000,
then he's off our backs.


[sustained beep, dialing]

[line ringing]

[phone ringing]

[Moritz] Hello?

- Who's speaking, please?
- Buba?

Yes? [coughs]

- Yo, what's up?
- [phone beeps]

- Mm... [sighs]
- [phone beeps]

[Lenny] What was that?

♪ When I was 17 ♪

♪ When I was 17 ♪

♪ I wanted to be ♪

♪ I wanted to be ♪

♪ I wanted to be ♪

♪ I wanted to be ♪

♪ It's not as easy as expected ♪

♪ It's not as easy ♪

♪ At all ♪