How to Make It in America (2010–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Unhappy Birthday - full transcript

* I need a dollar dollar *

* a dollar, that's what I need *
* hey hey *

* well, I need a dollar dollar *

* a dollar, that's what I need *
* hey hey *

* said I need a dollar dollar *

* a dollar, that's what I need *

* and if I share
with you my story *

* would you share
your dollar with me? *

* well, I don't know if I'm
walking on solid ground *

* and all I want is *

* for someone to help me *



* and I need a dollar dollar *

* a dollar, that's what I need *

* and if I share
with you my story *

* would you share
your dollar with me? *

* pain in my heart *

* is treating me cold *

* where can my baby be? *

* lord, no one knows *

* pain in my heart *

* just won't let me sleep... * -

You're a loser.
You gave up after five minutes.

- I think I sprained something.
- Oh, right.

Are you gonna call and
wish her a happy birthday?

No, I'm not.



- Ben.
- What?

- Be nice.
- I am being nice.

We're moving on.

People don't call their
exes when they're moving on.

That's counterproductive.

What's she doing for it, anyway?

Oh just-- it's-- you know what?

I think it's a small,
intimate dinner. Super low-key.

- Hmm.
- No biggie.

Nice.

Is her boyfriend treating everyone?

Darren's not her boyfriend.

And for your information,
he's not gonna be there.

Oh.

So are you gonna be okay tonight?

- Yeah?
- Yeah, of course.

- Okay.
- I'm a rock.

* birthday sex *

* birthday sex... *

Oh my god! What are you doing?

Oh, sorry, rach.
I didn't mean to wake you up.

Happy birthday, by the way.

Of course you didn't.

Is it too early to set
this birthday off?

Oh, set it off.

Cheers.

Mmm. Thank you.

Uh-oh. Here we go.

Daddy-o.

Hi, dad.

Aw, thank you.

I got the card.
It was so cute with the singing

And the--

I-- okay. Well, you know what?

I'm-- it's probably better

If I call you at the office...

When I get there.
Okay, I love you too.

All right.

- Ta-ta.
- Bye, dad!

You-- you're a freak.

Well, you gotta get
freaky on your birthday.

Really?

I'm totally bummed I'm
missing your dinner tonight.

- It sucks.
- Oh my god, don't even--

Don't-- please don't

Because birthdays aren't
even important to me.

They're not. I'm serious.

Why are you looking
at me like that?

'cause they're important to me.

* birthday sex... *

That-- darren!

You're so--

My man. - Kaplan: Well,
look who's calling me

Bright and early in the morning,

My ex-friend ben epstein.

I didn't know you creative types

Got up before lunch.

Only when I'm trying
to make a buck.

Yeah, god bless america, baby.

All right. So tonight
is the night, kapo.

We're gonna roll to avenue.
Get ready to go big.

Are you fucking with me? - No,
I am not fucking with you.

N-- no, you wanna roll tonight--
for reals?

I do.

Awww, shit.

So I take it you're available?

I'm ready, I'm willing,

I'm able.

What time do you want to hook up?

You want to grab a steak first?
What are you gonna wear?

I'll call you later,
we'll figure it out, okay?

Yeah, you bet.
Don't flake on me. - Never.

There she is,
the special birthday girl.

Edie, don't start.

Where are we going tonight?

Okay-- nowhere. I'm skipping
my birthday this year.

No getting older.
Much better that way.

Too late. I already made
three different reservations

And invited all your friends.
All you have to do

Is pick a place and show up.

It's my treat.

- I don't wanna-
- - pick it!

Okay, um, if I had
to make a choice,

I would say mexican.

Odelay! I can't
wait to meet darren.

Um, unfortunately for you,

He is on a plane to ndon.

Well, that sucks.

Yeah, it's fine.

Uh-oh. Is there trouble
in hotelier-land?

No, it's just-- you know,

It's a weird birthday for me.

The last few birthdays
I've had with ben.

And then walking from darren's
apartment this morning,

It kinda hit me.

Birthdays are always tricky, honey.

Reflecting back on where
you were a year ago,

Looking ahead to the year to come.

You're getting closer to the
age you'll be when you die.

Jesus, edie.

And, uh, you've tended
bar before, right?

Of course, andre. - So you know
how to make all the drinks?

No doubt, especially the new
ones like the thug passion.

Thug passion.

Yeah, but you're not gonna
be pouring a lot of those

At the find-a-cure benefit tonight.

Oh. - You know how
to make a manhattan?

- Yeah.
- How?

Pfft! Is he seriously
grilling me right now?

No, he's just doing
his background check.

But look, trust me.
This kid is "legite"

With a capital "t."

Well, look. This company's awesome.

They do all the big events.
They do the met ball,

They do a ton of
fashion week parties.

With the shift pay plus tips,

It's a nice chunk of change,

So you can't fuck this up for me.

Never, bro. Never.

All right. You need to shave.

- And you need a black tie.
- Right.

Black tie? Not a problem.

I wanted to work this one myself,

But we booked a gig in philly, so--

Oh man, I love philly, man.
Cool city.

I'm from philly. It's miserable.

Anyway, and this is very important,

You have to sign in under my name--

Andre vipolis.

- Vipo--
- vipolis.

Vipolis. Yes.

It's $500 cash at the
end of the night.

So you gotta make sure you bring
me my $50 right here tomorrow.

Done deal, my dude.

- Bourbon, sweet vermouth and bitters.
- That's a manhattan!

So what we can do is we can put up

These sliding room dividers.

They keep in the light.
They're adjustable by hand.

Well, I-- I just want to
give them a sense of privacy.

- Right--
- anything to separate them.

They're at that age where
they need it. - Right.

Does your big brother
keep you up at night

Talking to all his girlfriends?

are you kidding? This kid
masturbates like a maniac.

Our mom had to cancel
our internet-- - sam!

That is inappropriate!

Boys, stop it! I'm sorry.
I'm really--

Boys, cut it out!

oh my god.
I'm just gonna take this.

Stop that!

- Hello?
- Hey. Happy--

- How are y-- oh--
- happ-- happy--

- Happy birthday.
- Thanks.

Am I violating some
sort of moving-on code?

No, not at all. Not at all. Yeah.

Good birthday so far?

Yeah. Nothing too crazy.

You know, st-- what about you?

Are yoat work or-- - yeah.
Calling you from my corner office.

right.

God, I can't believe
it's my birthday again.

Just like that-- another year down,
huh? - I know, another year.

Um, so, ben, what are you--

Do you have plans-
do you have plans tonight?

- Sort of.
- Oh, okay.

'cause I was just gonna
say I'm having a little

Uh, dinner party thing

- If-- if you wanna stop by.
- Oh.

Uh-- okay. - Yeah, I mean,
there's no pressure obviously.

It's just, it would
be nice to see you

- On my birthday.
- You know what?

That-- that would be nice.

I'll definitely stop by.

Uh, ben, can you-
can you hold on just a minute?

- Sure.
- Okay, thanks.

hi.

Hey.

Aren't you supposed to be halfway
across the atlantic right now?

My flight has been delayed.
They're saying five hours at least.

Oh. Okay.

Um... That sucks.

I think I might be
better off just hopping

The first flight out tomorrow.

- Oh, really?
- Which means...

I can make dinner
tonight after all.

Great.

Um, darren, I'm-
I'm at work right now.

Let me, um-- let me call
you back in a second, okay?

- Yeah. Sure thing.
- Okay.

- Ben.
- Hey.

So, um-- sorry,
what were you saying?

Nothing, I was just saying I-
I'll try to stop by.

Right.

- Um--
- where's it at?

It's at 10:00 at la esquina.

Um, and just so you know, I-- um--

Darren's gonna be there.

so if that's gonna be too weird--

What? No, that's-- rach,
that's totally cool.

- Cool. Great.
- I will see you later.

- Okay.
- Yeah. Bye.

fuck.

I-- I'm so fucked.

I just went from having
no guys at my birthday

- To having two.
- Edie: How?

I-- darren's flight
got delayed 30 seconds

- After I invited ben.
- Fun!

Nightmare. Having to
deal with this is ectly

What I did not want
for my birthday.

Honey, it's gonna be fine.

I am gonna get you so
high before dinner,

You're not gonna be
able to tell them apart.

Excuse me, young man. Can you
tell me if you carry crisp nyc--

The hottest denim
brand on the planet?

Really? Both of you now?

I came solo. I found domingo

In the women's
undergarments. - Aha!

Your boy is lying.
He actually needs a black tie.

He's got a formal
engagement tonight.

Tonight? You didn't get my text?

We're taking kaplan to ave tonight.

I can't.

I just booked a
next-level bartending gig.

$500 cash off the books plus tips.

- Kwam.
- 500 bucks?

And trust me when I tell
you I need it right now.

Well, what about you,
do'? Can you roll?

No go. I got dinner
uptown with my auntie.

Her turkey meatloaf
is the bee's knees.

Turkey meatloaf-- I get it.

- I get it, man.
- Cam: You okay?

Yeah. I'm good.
Hey, listen, I gotta refold that.

I'm sorry. I'm a bad friend.

- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.

I just thought it'd be fun,
us rolling out tonight, that's all.

Wow. Is ben suggesting
we actually go out?

Whatever, man. I'll just call kap.
I'll reschedule.

It's no big deal. - So, can you
hook it up with a black tie or what?

I'll bring it back tomorrow
with the tag still on.

- Follow me.
- My man!

Coming through in a clutch!

Hey yo, what's your
discount like on the tuxedo?

I got this whole like black
bond thing I'm working on.

- Hey, dave.
- Benny netanyahu!

What is going on, dude?

Are we on for dinner pre-ave?

Yeah, listen. I was
thinking about tonight, um--

I've been thinking about
tonight all day, bro.

You're not flaking on me, are ya?

Hell, no.

Good. Where you want to meet up?

Yeah. Yeah, let's keep it easy.

We'll just say in front of
avenue at 11:00, all right?

What could be better
than this right now?

You know what I'm saying?
Like cafe con leche in hand,

Money in my pocket.

Life is good, my friend.

No doubt, man.

Once I start getting busy,

Working crazy mogul hours...

Hmm. -...I'm gonna miss
these times with you, man.

Well, you've had a
good run there, boss.

Sorry I'm late.

Domingo and cam: Yo!

I just met with the most
incredible performance artist.

I think I want to
produce her next show.

- she works
- --leftover rotting food.

What? - Your latte's probably cold.

Whatever. Did you
do some shopng, cam?

Bought myself a free tie.

Check it out.

- Did you see ben up there?
- Mmm. Thman hooked it up.

How did he seem?

Like ben--

Half stressed, half homie.

Why?

I think he's having a hard time

- With rachel's rthday today.
- Today's rachel's birthday?

Yeah, she's having this
small dinner tonight

And he seemed kind of funky
about it this morning.

Her birthday dinner's tonight.

Oh, shit.

You know how to make a screwdriver?

Hell yeah, it's,
uh-- vodka and orange juice.

And you know how to
make a manhattan, right?

Yeah, it's,
um-- how do you call it?

- Just a the guy next to you.
- Yeah, I could do that.

Oh, and when you get there,
make sure you sign in

- As andre vipolis.
- V-I-p-o-l-I-s.

And it's $500, so it's $400 for you

- And $100 for me, cool?
- Cool.

Oh, and another $25 for
the black tie rental.

- Word up.
- And the bag.

Okay.

- Cool, man.
- All right.

- Dom.
- Peace out, man.

Yeah, peace.

Yo, ben. It's me, yo.

Call me when you get this, man.

The job fell through,
so I'm good to go for tonight.

Let's go to avenue, baby!

- All right? Peace.
- Peace.

* it's your birthday *

* so I know you want to ride out *

* even if we only go to my house *

* sip on weezy as we
sit upon my couch *

* feels good, but I know
you want to cry out *

* you say you want passion *

* I think you found it *

* get ready for action *

* don't be astounded *

* we switching positions *

* you feel surrounded *

* tell me where you
want your gift, girl *

* girl, you know I-I-I *

* girl, you know I-I-I *

* been feenin',
wake up in the late night *

* been dreamin' about your lovin' *

* girl, you know I-I-I *

* girl, you know I-I-I *

* don't need candles and cake *

* just need your body to make *

* birthday sex *

* birthday sex. *

- So are you excited to meet my girls?
- Yeah yeah, I am.

Yeah. - I think so.
You got any tips for me?

Edie is her own brand of crazy,

But she's-- she's an
amazing woman. Truly.

And she's so excited to meet you.

- Oh, that's nice.
- Yeah.

Who else is gonna be there?

Um-- actually, I wanted to,

Uh, let you know that

Ben wanted to stop by.

Oh. Okay.

Is he actually gonna come
inside the restaurant

Or is he just gonna
scream from the window?

stop.

Sorry.

- That's bad.
- No, I'm sorry. Okay.

It's fine with me.
Of course. It's cool.

Darren darren darren,
you are-- it's like nothing fazes you.

Snakes. Snakes.

Yes, man. We're already here.

All right, all right.
Hurry up then. Peace.

- Do's on his way.
- Good.

I'm definitely ready for a drink.

Or 12.

What's up with you?

Nothing.

Did I tell you it's
rachel's birthday today?

Nah!

- Damn, she's aging fast.
- Yeah.

She invited me to
her dinner tonight.

Really?

And you didn't want to go?

Well, I would've, but...

Her new dude's gonna be there and
I'm not about to look desperate

In front of the entire party,
you know?

So you turned her down.
Look at you.

Well, no. Not exactly.

'cause then I would look
premeditated and insecure.

So my only option is
just to flake completely

And then make up a story tomorrow.

- Like what?
- Stomach flu.

- That's going around.
- Yeah.

yo, is that kapo right there?

- Yo! There they are.
- Yo!

What's up, my boys?

How am I looking? You like that?

- Oh, you are looking--
- yo.

- I'm looking all right?
- Yeah. Yeah, man.

You're very, uh-- "nylon guys."

- For real?
- Ben: Yeah.

- That's good, right?
- Ben: It's great, come on.

Let's do this! - Cam: Excuse me,
can I get in here?

- Dez, what's good?
- Ben: What's up, man?

- Been busy, man.
- Ben: Yeah.

- What's up, dude?
- Dez: Hold up, wait a minute.

Dude's with you? - Yeah, he's good.
He's ben's homie.

- Yeah yeah, he's with us.
- You know I always got you guys,

But it's not gonna happen
for your man tonight.

- He's a no-go.
- What?

- Cam: Wait wait, yo, dez.
- Ben: Really, dez?

- Come on.
- Not gonna happen for him.

He's a cool dude once you get to know him.
Look at that face, man.

Come on, man. - It's not
gonna happen tonight.

- Too many dudes.
- Man: Yo.

Really? Wow. Ben-- hey, ben--

I'm so sorry-- - you promised me
that this was not gonna happen.

I can't believe you're gonna
fuckin' do this to me, man.

Wow. You're fucking with me?

- That's really really hilarious.
- A little bit.

You're both assholes.
Come on, let me in, man.

You looked like you were about to cry.
I wasn't gonna cry,

But I'm going in!

This is it?

This sucks.

It's still early, david. Relax.

Oh. I like that.

Mmm. Man, watch this, watch this.

Uh, hi! Hi!

I'm sorry. Excuse me, excuse me.

I was-- I was just wondering

What-- what's your
favorite charity?

Charity? - Yeah. I know you
models like all that charity stuff.

And I just thought maybe
you could recommend one

I could give some money to.

It's just-- I got too
much for one guy.

My favorite charity is, uh,

Losers from wall street who think that
anyone still cares about their money.

Oh! Now, was that nice?

Excuse me! Is that nice?

You know who he reminds me of?

That guy jake from "
sixteen candles."

Right?

- Really?
- Yeah.

You don't think so?
They're like twins.

You know-- you know the
one I'm talking about--

Jocky but sweet, you know?

- Yeah, I-- I see it.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, guys! Guys! To kapo!

- Uh-oh.
- One of many nights--

- For real. Many nights, boys.
- There we go.

Salud. Salud.

Ah!

I'm lapping you ladies.
Step your game up.

Yo! Yo, pace yourself, kapo.

- This is me taking it slow.
- Kapo, we'll do it.

You got it! Boom! I love it!

- Yo, what are you guys doing?
- What are we doing?

Sharing a drink called loneliness.

- Right, ben?
- I'm here for you, dave.

That's stupid. I'm already tipsy.

- You tipsy?
- Whoa whoa whoa.

Dude, that's a fake
gwyneth paltrow,

- But I like it.
- I'm gonna slip her a roofie.

- Yo, are you fucking serious?
- No!

- Dude--
- no, I am not--

I'm not serious.

Damn, guys! What you think of me?

It's breath mints. Relax.

- Take a breath.
- Cam: Let me get one.

Yeah, you need one.
Don't take advantage of me now!

- David man, that's hard--
- I know who you are.

I know who you are.

Yo, innkeeper!
Another round of drinks

For my boys right here!

- No-- oh my god.
- Does everybody have wine left?

I have beer.

Because I just want to say a few
words about the birthday girl.

Awww.

When rachel walked into
my office three years ago

Looking for a job,
I remember thinking

"who is this gorgeous hippy

Not wearing a bra to an interview?"

Don't worry, they looked very nice.

- Oh, thank you. Great.
- But seriously, honestly,

In the three years since then,

We've grown very close.

Now I like to tease her
that I am the president

Of the rachel chapman fan club.

I love you, edie.

So I thought, as president,

It might be nice to hear from
a new member of the club.

Darren...

Take it away!

Darren, you don't have to--

No, I--

You're putting me
on the spot, edie.

Let's see what you got, darren.
Um-- okay.

All right, well,
I guess there is one thing

I could share.

Um, you know, it's more
of a confession actually.

See, I'm not here tonight

Because my flight was delayed.

I'm here tonight
because I switched it

In order to be here with
you on your birthday.

Awww!

Even though I know
you hate birthdays

And it's not a big deal to you,

But I just thought it would be nice

If we could be together on it.

- Rachel: Oh my god.
- Put a ring on it!

Hear hear!

Okay, I'm fucking with you.

Actually, my flight was delayed.

- All: Come on! What?
- Darren: Well, I'm sorry!

- But I guess--
- boo!

All right, look look.
Wait wait wait.

Things happen for a reason
and I'm glad that they do.

So here's to things
happening for a reason.

- All: Awww.
- Woman: Cheers.

* niggas is all the same *

* brooklyn niggas get crazy loot *

* that's because when it's beef *

* they ain't scared to shoot *

* harlem niggas know how to play...
* - I gotta say,

Kaplan kinda rules.

Your man is hilarious!

Kapo!

* if it wasn't for the bronx *

* this rap shit probably
never would be going on *

* so tell me where you from *

* uptown, baby, uptown, baby *

* we gets down, baby,
up for the crown, baby... *

Hey.

Look, if you ask nicely,
I might forgive you

For that little comment earlier.

There's nothing nice about me.

Come on, don't hate
me 'cause I'm rich.

I won't hate you 'cause
you're beautiful.

We could roll together, hmm?

Hmm? We could be the
most-hated couple up in here.

Hmm?

- You're funny.
- Oh-- oh, see that? See?

You're warming up to
me a little bit, right?

Darren!

Sorry. Too late, edie.
You snooze, you lose.

No! I'm supposed to be
the sugar mama tonight.

Yeah, well, it looks like
I might be making a run

At that rachel fan
club presidency, so--

Ooh! Look at the
hotelier going for it!

I'm trying, edie. I'm trying.

- Thanks.
- Aww.

- Darren, thank you so much.
- Sure.

That was really really
sweet of you to do.

- I'm hay we're here.
- Me too.

coffee here.

Pack of wrigley's.

You know what, let me get
this bag of cheez doodles.

- So nice to meet you.
- Happy birthday, baby.

Bye-bye. Thank you-- - all right,
I'll talk to you later.

- Edie: Thank you.
- Bye, edie.

Bye.

Bye.

- She's great.
- I know.

- Yeah, she's totally great.
- She is great.

Hey, so sorry I'm late.

- Darren.
- Hey, ben.

Good to see you again.

Uh, well, I guess I'll
just give you two a minute.

- Darren: Okay.
- Ben: Thanks.

Didn't want to show
up empty-handed.

That is amazing.

So how was dinner?

You know, lots-- lots of garlic.

Garlic? - Wouldn't
bring a date there.

Right. I'll try to remember that.

I just-- I don't know, rachel.

I just wanted to come and say

Happy birthday in person.

- So--
- I'm glad that you did.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

Cool.

I should probably let you go.

Yeah.

Happy birthday, rach.

- Good night, ben.
- Good night.

cam: You better not
have chased that car!

I didn't want to run after you.

How'd you know? - 'cause I
could tell when you left, man.

I didn't even know where
I was going when I left.

Man, I know you better
than you know you.

Yeah, maybe you do.

who wants to go to veska?

It's gonna be blueberry
blintzes. - No.

Fuck the blintzes.
Let's go back to avenue.

- Cam: Okay!
- Ben: Yeah.

Back it up! Let's do it!

- * trying to hold on... *
- can we not be three dudes

Listening to teddy pendergrass
in a white bentley, please?

* think I'd better let it go *

* what you say about *

* looks like another love t.K.O. *

* oh-oh oh-oh *

* yes, I think I'd
better let it go *

- * let it go, baby *
- * oh, baby *

* looks like another love t.K.O. *

* mm-hmm... *

* tried to take
control of the love *

* love took control of me *

* 'cause you lose all thoughts *

* sense of time *

* and have a change of mind *

* takin' the bumps
and the bruises *

* of all the things... *