How to Live with Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life) (2013): Season 1, Episode 9 - How to Get Involved - full transcript

You probably think

that with me living
with my parents,

they've put their lives
on hold for a while

to fuss and fawn over me
and my daughter.

You'd be wrong.
Hyah!

My stepfather just got his orange belt.

My warrior.

My mother just became
a certified life coach.

Are you aware you're fantastic?

I know I am.

Bam! You've been life coached!



If anything,
since we moved in,

they're even busier
than they were before.

I loved you squeezing my thigh
under the table.

Well, whoever that was
had very strong hands.

Wh-what--
Why does that slam like that?!

Julian was concerned
about the dog getting out,

so he came by
to fix the hinges.

You see, honey?

Now the door...

will shut by itself.

Perfect.

I used it to open a walnut.

So why is my former son-in-law
still coming over

to our house and fixing things?



- Mm. - It's entrapment, Elaine.
I'm not gonna stand for it.

Polly, who leaves a door
like that? Really?

See, I love a dangerous house.

Keeps you on your toes.

Well, what do we have here?

And why is it tracking dirt
on my wood floors?

I told you guys
about this

like three times already.

Do you just tune out
whenever I'm speaking?

No, of course not.
Mm, half the time.

She does.
Natalie is in the first grade play.

Aah!

Did they win something?

No, sweetie. No.

Grandma and grandpa just get
overly excited about theater.

Other than themselves,
it's their favorite thing.

Tell me everything.

♪ Everything!

They're doing scenes from
a musical movie, "Mulan."

Ohh!
Right. "Mulan." Hello!

I play a hillside.

That's nice.
Good for you, honey.

Hillside.

What does that mean?
I don't remem--

Is--is the hillside
a pivotal role? What, uh...

Is it the lead?
I mean, is the play

about a hillside?

Because that kid is a star.
I mean, come on.

It's kind of like the lead,
only she has no lines

and she's mostly there
just to kind of, like,

block the fire extinguisher.

But Natalie is very excited
about it, so we are, too.

Yeah, but shouldn't she be--
Bup.

I mean, I-I think--
Bup.

I mean, but a hillside--
she deserves to--

Double bup.

Pilates shoulders.
I can do this all day.

How was work today, sweetie?
Super weird.

I always assumed I'd be
the first employee

to have a nervous breakdown.

And you will be,
if that's what you want.

Not after today.

Oh, I'd be fairly confident
that a guy trading

car sex for drugs isn't strong
boyfriend material.

I can't take it!

I don't know what pairs well
with pheasant.

And I don't care!

Fuck your pheasant!

Okay, sorry. Sorry about that, folks.

You're okay.
No, I'm not!

So there's a job opening then?

Uh... yeah, I guess.

God, I hope they hire
someone good,

preferably a hot Italian dude

with a thing for ladies
in aprons.

Who, for reasons I have not
figured out yet,

still has to work
at a grocery store.

No. You should be
the wine and cheese manager.

There you go. You hear?

Me? No.
No, no, no, no.

That is, like, way
out of my skill set.

I mean, you have to do
all the ordering,

you have to do the budgets,

you have to know
how to pronounce "gruyere."

Uh, ha ha ha.

Yeah--that was beginner's luck.

No, you are perfect. You're
always trying to manage me.

"Don't drink at lunch,"
"Don't eat raw hamburger,"

"Wear underpants."

I'm just a little more
comfortable

being under the radar.

A supporting player.

Hey, maybe I'll be the new
cheese manager's best friend.

Help them through stuff,
like a divorce

or if they lose their cell phone.
Polly,

when I look at you,
I see a leader.

I also see my reflection
in the vase behind you.

This house has great lighting.

Yeah, it's the dimmers.
Ha ha!

I got a good thing going
in smoothies, okay?

I've got regulars.
Berry Blast for Mike,

Mango Peach for Karen,

and Fiber Avalanche for Tim,
the constipated city councilman.

Sorry. Sorry about that.
Not an angry slam.

Merely exiting at the end of a sentence.

I can't sleep!

I can't, either.

Why wouldn't Polly
even consider

taking that other job?

Why doesn't she have
any confidence?

I don't know.
We reek of confidence.

We're in love with ourselves.

Why isn't she?
When did this happen?

Mommy, Max, I figured out
who I am.

All right. Okay.
Ooh, self-introspection.

I'm Rhoda.

Oh, you're not
Rhoda. You are Mary. Hmm?

For those of
you under 35 who are completely lost,

they're referring to characters
from their favorite show,

"The Mary Tyler Moore Show."

Mary was the sexy,
independent go-getter,

and Rhoda was
her insecure friend

who ate a lot of brisket.

No, no, no, no.
You are the star!

Nah, I'm just Rhoda.

Can I get another hot dog?

Rhoda wants a third hot dog.

Oh, my God, we raised a Rhoda.

I will not accept it.
We are first-rate in this house.

Do you hear me?
First-rate.

And her attitude is
trickling down to Natalie.

And the child is happy to be a hillside.
Mm-hmm.

- To be earth.
- Ohh.

Dirt.

She's not even a Rhoda.
She's like, uh...

Murray's chair.

Don't worry.
I am a certified life coach.

This is not a crisis.

This is an opportunity.

We're being handed
a second chance

to unleash her inner Mary.
Yes.

When? I got racquetball
on Wednesday,

and I have to be with
the attorney all day on Friday.

- Well, Thursday's no good.
I have clients all day... - Yeah.

And then it's game night at Ula's.
We are not missing that.

Ula is a delight.
Makes a fabulous crudites.

Cancel dim sum on Tuesday?
I don't--listen,

- we've never canceled
anything for our child. - No. No.

Is this the precedent
we want to set?

You know, while we were
out there being incredible,

we created a monster of low self-esteem...
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And underachievement.
A monster, Elaine.

I know.
All right, tomorrow,

you go down to the school
and talk to Natalie's director.

I'll handle Polly.

Okay, you know what?
We're doing this, baby.

Look at us.
Yeah.

We're gettin' involved!
Yes, we are.

Hey, you know wh--
you know what?

Maybe I should run it by Polly
just to make sure it's ok--

No. She's always complaining

about how we're not involved enough.
She always complains. Yeah.

And it's so annoying.
She does.

"You guys were
never there for me!

Why didn't you pick me up
from camp?!"

How did she get home from camp?

Hey, honey.
Just got to the school,

and I'm ready to get involved.

I just wanted to wish you
luck with Polly today.

I hope it goes well, and--
oh, by the way,

don't get in the hot tub,
because that thing is loosened.

I don't want you
to get electrocuted.

"Multi-purpose room."

Already sounds
totally unprofessional.

Stop it!

This is chaos.

Go on!

This is no way to run
a production.

You're really tall.

So? You're really shrimpy.
Who's in charge here?

Hey!

Oh...
Hey, dad!

Hey. Don't--don't
call me that, all right?

What are you doing here?
Where's the director?

I'm the director.

You?!

Yeah.

I had no idea you had
any directing experience.

For stranger danger week,

I wrote and directed
a staged reading

of "Here's Candy,
Get in the Van."

So it was your decision
to cast your daughter

as a hillside?
Yeah. Yeah. Well, she wanted the part.

And if she wanted to,
oh, I don't know,

jump off a cliff to her death,
you would let her?

You okay?
Absolutely.

Yeah, I mean, if she wanted
to go cliff diving

wearing the correct
protective gear,

then I'd probably say yes.
Hey, we should all go.

Yeah, I don't think so.
But you know what would be fun?

Maybe I could, uh,
stick around for a while.

That would be great!
Okay.

We could have
some quality

father/former son-in-law
bonding time.

Oh!
Huh?

That was cool, right?
No.

So, mom, I can't help
but notice

that walking me to the door
has turned into

walking me all the way to work.

Oh--
And that you're wearing a nightie.

You know, I just love
how this fabric feels

against my moving legs.
Oh.

So, honey, have you given
any more thought

to that wine and cheese position?

I'm not qualified.

What do I know about wine and cheese?
Oh, are you kidding me?

We're a wine and cheese family.

It's in your D.N.A.

Gouda.

Can you say "Gouda"?

Gouda.

I'm appointing myself
your life coach,

and I am gonna help you
get that job.

From this moment on, I am
the wind beneath your wigs.

It's wings.

All right, well, then I don't
understand that song at all.

Come on, Polly...

You can do this.
Don't limit yourself.

You know you can do this.

Well, it does pay more.
Yeah.

I bet I could save a little
money and get my own place.

And as much as we'd love
to have you move out.

Yeah?

That was it.

You know what? I'm gonna go for it.
Mm-hmm.

What is the worst
that could happen?

Well, you could find a lump.

I meant at work.

That's it, Eddie. Use your hands and face.

Really be the dragon.

I'm not buying this dragon.
Are you buying this dragon?

I... what do you know?
You're eating your own hair.

And, Tameka, don't worry about
blocking Natalie when you enter.

She'll move to the left.

Yeah, sure. Why don't we just
put her in the parking lot?

I mean...

Okay, everyone,
that's great.

Let's take a break.

Whoa, whoa, h-hold on.
Julian, a break?

You open tomorrow, and the huns
aren't even off book.

Listen, dad, I really appreciate
you helping out and all,

but do you think you could
tone down your sighing,

your eye rolling, your "Dear
God, this is a disaster"-ing?

Got it.
Thanks.

Hello, love! No,
it's going great here.

Polly's talking to her boss
right now.

So, how's it going there?
Julian is the director.

He couldn't direct himself
to a bathroom.

I'm telling you, Elaine,

it's--it's anarchy down here.

It's like the fall of Saigon,
but with juice boxes.

Well, that is not good.

Our granddaughter cannot

debut in an inferior piece

of theater.
A little privacy, please.

Listen, I need to increase

my involvement.

I have the talent
to fix this production.

Well, I'm not there,
and I'm not sure

what you're talking about,

so I shouldn't tell you
what to do, but I will.

Years from now when Natalie
is accepting her Oscar,

is anyone gonna remember
that you stepped

on a few toes?
No, no, but, you know,

they will remember that she'll
be the first Oscar winner

to specifically thank
her grandparents.

Exactly, so...
get more involved.

Now is the time.

Besides, next week
we're in Palm Springs

with the Busfields.
Love you!

It's not officially shoplifting
until you leave the store.

It's okay if you forget your lines.

I forget things all the time.

I forgot to pay my taxes
for the last four years.

Okay, sorry. I have to
step in here,

because nobody's gonna pay to
see actors forget their lines,

- right? - The show is free. It's for
the first grade parents.

I know, I understand that,
but there's a right way

and a wrong way to do things...

Just like there's a right way
and a wrong way

to, I don't know, fix a door.

Well, I think there are many
different ways of doing things.

That's because you, sir,
are a moron!

Okay.

Hey, P-girl.
How's it hangin'?

Uh, Gregg said I could
run the cheese counter today,

and then we'll see!

Since we're not gonna be
next to each other today,

I thought of a couple
hand gestures.

This means "Hi,"
this means "Call me,"

and this means
"I'm pregnant."

You have a customer.
Oh.

Hi.

Boobs out.

What do think they put them
in front for?

Hi.

What do you think of
the German Cambozola?

Uh, they should be brought
to justice.

Kidding. I-it's a little
cheese humor.

Um...

It's good.
It's good.

O...kay.

Thanks.

Well, that was great.

It was a little
on the stiff side.

Maybe loosen up a little bit,
you know,

put some soul into it!

Looser. Soul.
Got it. Good note.

I'm looking for a triple creme.
What do you recommend?

That you get one.

That was a joke. Um...

This one right is great.
It's super rich,

super creme-y. Yep.

Hey, thanks.

What? That was loose.

What wine pairs well with veal,

Pinot noir or cabernet?

When I say "caber," you say "nay."

- Caber...
- Caber...

Ok--
Burgundy.

I'm sorry?

Burgundy and veal forestiere.

Uhh! What memories
that brings back.

Days spent lounging nude

on the floor
of a studio in Nice,

just me and Antoine...
I'm sorry.

A gifted and tortured
French painter,

and our beautiful...
Burgundy.

That's--that's one way
to go,

but there are many wines
that would pair--

Grab me a bottle of burgundy.

Sounds heavenly.
Oh, it was.

So many wines
bring back memories.

Don't they?
Yes. Mm-hmm.

You ever try r--
authentic rioja?

Oh, don't you talk to me
about Spanish wines.

Don't. Don't you talk to her.

Don't do it.
Or as I like to call them,

Los vinos del amor.
Ahh!

Too late. Okay, uh...

Who would like to try a free sample...
Oh.

Of this weird orange cheese

with tiny bits
of something in it?

Anyone? Weird cheese?

Would you mind giving me some
wine and cheese recommendations?

I'm having a party.
Absolutely.

And can you help me choose
a champagne for a work event?

I have a gorgeous prosecco.

Perfect. Perfect.
Ahh...

Ah, yes, yes. Thank you!
Oh...

This one is cheap.

Wow.
I know, right?

Your mom is a natural.

And I hear she has some
show business connections.

Do you think she'd be interested
in passing along a CD

of my Weezer mash-ups?

The wind beneath my wings?

You're the gun
that kills the bird.

- I was trying to help!
- Yeah. Help yourself to the spotlight.

It follows me.

I was doing fine.
I was just getting warmed up.

And then, just like always,
you had to barge right in

with your erotic cheese stories.

You're fired as my life coach.

And you're on thin ice
as my mother.

And you...

you've been a real
poo-head.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, your head
is made out of poo.

What she is trying to say
is that you meddled,

and you were really
crappy to her daddy,

who worked hard to make
a great show.

Since you showed up,
no one's having fun.

Well, now, honey,
what's more important--

to--to have a quality
production,

or to have fun?

Grandpa, you're
a real piece of work.

Well, that cut deep.

I'm gonna go play
Internet backgammon.

So, for 32 years,
you were hands-off,

and then suddenly you just
want to... get involved?

It was an emergency.

You and Natalie were in danger

of not being as fabulous
as I know you can be.

I was trying to help you
blossom from a Rhoda

into a Mary.

What's wrong with being Rhoda?
She had a show, too.

It was a spinoff.

Stop selling yourself so short.

Why don't you want
to be a Mary?

How can I be Mary
when you're Mary?

I mean, there can't be
two Marys,

so one of us had to be Rhoda,

and it certainly
was not gonna be you.

Well, I never meant
to outshine you.

I am terribly sorry.

Curse my natural charm and effervescence.

And to prove just
how sorry I am,

I will go over to that store
and I will turn down that job.

He offered you the job?

Mm...

Just so you know,
that was an angry door slam.

How could you offer
my mother that job?

I mean, sure, she drank
her way through Europe--

and the United States,

and the safer parts
of South America--

but I'm the one who cares
about this store.

I am the one
with a young child to support,

and I am the one who knows
to pair a French triple cream

with the whimsical citrus notes
of a crisp chardonnay.

I-I didn't know
you knew that.

Well, I do, okay?

I overheard plenty
of wine and cheese talk

sitting under the table
at my parents' parties.

And my white-hot rage
is making it all

come flooding back.

I'm really sorry...

and scared of you.

I-I didn't know this position
was so important.

Well, it is, okay?
I can do it, and I deserve it,

and for once in my life,
I just want to be Mary.

Okay then...

Mary.

No. You can call me Polly.

Well, between our friendship,

your clear passion
for wine and cheese,

and your somewhat
off-putting suggestion

of a split personality, I'd say

we have a new manager.

What? Yes! That is awesome.

Gregg... so great.

Now, I've been saving

a really special bottle of wine

for when something really awesome happened...

But your mother drank it, so...

see you tomorrow.

Yes.

Tomorrow.

Okay, guys, this is it.

I want each of you to know
how proud I am

of all your hard work.

Special props to Ethan.

Lice did not stop you.

Though it did take out
most of the huns.

So tonight, let's do this one
for the huns.

"Huns" on three.

One, two, three... huns!

What if I forget the songs?

What if I pee my pants?

Please, dude, get a grip.

Hey! Look at you guys, huh?

The "Mulan" thing.

It's--I just wanted
to, uh, apologize

for being such a...

poo-head.

You know, everyone in life,
we sometimes, uh,

well, we overstep
our bounds, right?

For example, when you turned
my kitchen door

into a deathtrap--
Grandpa!

Sorry. You're right.
Anyway, um...

Julian, you did a great job
with these kids,

and, uh, I'm sorry I said
what I said.

You are not a moron.

Not in this one area of life.

Thanks, dad.
Should we hug?

No, no, definitely not,
but listen.

If you need anything tonight,
you can count on me.

Okay? Kudos, all of you.

I'm gonna throw up!

I'm excited about this job.

I'm a manager.
I manage things.

Mm-hmm.
Wonderful.

All went according to plan.

What do you mean?

You didn't know that this
would happen.

Bam! You've been
life coached!

Oh, really?
Mm-hmm.

You're gonna try and take credit for this?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Okay, we all know she's
totally making this up,

but who cares?

In her own crazy way,
she really did help me.

She may be more of a Mary,
but I'm in management now.

I'm Lou Grant, bitches.

For those of you under 35,
he was Mary's boss.

You were right.
She is a star.

Just like her mommy.

Where on earth is Max?

What?

♪ Let's get down to business ♪

♪ to defeat

♪ the huns

♪ Did you send me daughters

♪ when I asked

♪ for sons?

♪ You're the saddest bunch I ever met ♪

♪ But you can bet

♪ before we're through

♪ mister, I'll

♪ make a man

♪ out of you

Yes! Out of you!