How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 9, Episode 9 - Platonish - full transcript
Usually cold-hearted Robin is in tears over the news that her mother will not be attending the wedding. In trying to make Robin feel better, Ted, Barney and Lily each are brought back in their memory to a time six months earlier. Then, Lily noticed that the challenges that Barney always accepted in picking up women were those that he issued for himself. So Lily and Robin went on a quest to issue Barney challenges on picking up women that they believed he could not complete. This quest became an all night task. The one challenge that Barney felt like no challenge at all ended up being the most difficult not so much for the challenge itself, but for the advice he got in return. What Robin, Barney and Lily are and were unaware of is that at that same time, Marshall tried to convince Ted that, based on inside information, he should still try to pursue Robin, despite Ted vowing that their relationship was then purely platonic. Events, including a telephone call from Chicago, made Ted truly reevaluate if indeed there was a future for him and Robin.
TED:
Can't believe your mom's not coming.
Okay, seriously, I need to stop crying.
Does anyone know how to turn this off?
Ripped By mstoll
Is there, like, a button or something?
Want me to feel around for it?
It's probably somewhere on your back.
- What? Trying to cheer you up.
- Stop.
- I don't think that's possible at this point.
- Challenge accepted.
No, Barney, I just need to get myself
to stop crying, that's all.
- Boogiddy-boo!
- Lily, what the hell? It's not the hiccups.
I was just going on a hunch.
[ROBIN HICCUPS]
And now I have the hiccups.
Look, guys, just seriously,
don't worry about me.
- Just let me deal with this on my own.
- I'm afraid that's not possible.
Once I've accepted a challenge,
it cannot be unaccepted.
I will not rest until the job is done.
Oh, is that so?
Then where are our diapers
and samosas? Aha!
TED:
Diapers and samosas.
That's a story that took place
six months earlier in the fall of 2012.
[IN UNISON]
Major Craving A Mojito.
Oh, God, we're back
to your stupid little private joke again?
Are you guys really still doing this
seven years later?
It's so annoying. Just stop it.
[IN UNISON] Private Joke Again?
Are You Still Doing This Seven Years Later?
It's So Annoying. Just Stop It.
You don't salute a private.
- Heh-heh-heh. I'll be right back.
TED: All right.
- Lily, are you playing footsie with me?
- What? Oh, no, no, no.
- I was just feeling around for your shin.
- My shin? Why would you...? Ow!
- Why'd you do that?
- To remind you what pain is.
You keep it up
with all the cutesy-tootsy stuff with Robin...
...gonna be a whole lot more
where that came from.
- Lily, you have nothing to worry about.
- I better not.
You and Robin are platonic.
Please, Ted and Robin are not platonic.
Just like me and Robin are not platonic.
Just like no two single people
in the world are ever platonic.
Symposium. Two people are only platonic
if in the next 20 minutes...
...there is no chance of them hooking up.
Truth is, I only know
of one genuinely platonic relationship.
- You and me.
- Don't make me laugh, Lily.
You want to hit this so hard.
Seriously, she's playing footsies
with me as l... Ow!
No, I'm talking about Marshall and Robin.
BARNEY: Marshall and Robin wouldn't hook up
even if this happened.
Marshall! Robin! If you guys don't
full-on make out in the next 20 minutes...
...they're gonna blow me up
and everyone in this bar!
- Oh, God, no. Anyone but Robin.
- I really don't want to do this.
Guys, we have no time. Just do it!
- I'm sorry, baby. I just... I can't do it.
- Aw...
And the only survivor was me,
because I was upstairs banging Ted's mom.
What? Get that blond girl's phone number?
Challenge accepted.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Unknown caller, stop calling me.
- Are you gonna answer it?
Yeah. Because it's 1994
and I'm gonna pick up a phone...
...without knowing who's on the other end.
I should get going.
- Ted.
- By every definition of the word "platonic"...
...including Barney's fake one,
I can say with total certainty...
...that Brussels sprouts are
the comeback vegetable of the 21st century.
- Well, see you guys later.
ROBIN: Bye.
Challenge completed.
I'm sorry, I missed the first half of this.
Why is picking up a drunk chick
sitting alone and rubbing a tan line...
...on her finger where a wedding ring
used to be a challenge?
Because I said, "Challenge accepted." Pfft.
See, that's your problem, Barney.
You only accept challenges you came up with.
Just once, I'd like to see you
accept someone else's challenge.
Challenge accep...
Wait, what's the challenge?
Interesting. An opportunity rife
with possibilities.
We need to find something
with just the right amount of poetic...
Get a girl's number
while talking like a dolphin.
That works.
[IMITATES DOLPHIN]
[HORNS HONKING]
Open your eyes, ref!
That's not a pregnant lady!
It's a basketball under his shirt!
Blow the freaking whistle!
Anyways, Barney's right.
I would absolutely let the bar blow up.
But you'd die. And Lily would die too.
Yeah, then we could haunt the bar,
like we planned.
Anyways, Robin's your girl.
- Why keep coming back to this?
- It's fun. Tickets are cheap.
- Gets us out of the house.
- No. Me and Robin.
Because Robin told me
that she's still in love with you.
Are you serious? Robin told you
that she's still in love with me?
No, I just made that up.
It was worth it because I can tell by your face
that you still have feelings for Robin.
Okay, Bull is sitting on the basket!
That's not only illegal, it's unsafe!
Come on, Gens! D up!
It's this monastery in Connecticut,
out in the woods...
...and the nuns there,
they make this gourmet cheese.
It's amazing.
[IMITATES DOLPHIN]
Wow, was that three glasses of wine?
Where does the time go?
[IMITATES DOLPHIN]
[CHUCKLES]
I know you need to get back
to your studies.
Maybe we could get together
some other time?
[IMITATES DOLPHIN]
No. Not possible.
It was the performance of a lifetime.
If I'd have hung around...
...I could've gotten her
to touch my blowhole.
Give me that.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
- Hello?
ROBIN [OVER PHONE]: Hi.
Did you just give your phone number to a guy
who was squeaking like a dolphin?
- Yeah.
- Honey, listen. I need you to take a year.
A full year. And just be celibate, okay?
No boys, one year.
Think you know I'm right about this.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
- That was heartbreaking.
- And pants-breaking. Boi-yoi-yoi-ing!
All right, next challenge.
Oh, this is an all-night thing?
Okay. Um...
Pick up a girl wearing a garbage bag.
I'd be Glad to.
Just hope she's not too Hefty.
And those are all of the brands
of trash bags I can think of.
I'm not done.
You also can't use the letter E.
Challng accptd!
You're single, she's single.
It's time to do this.
You're saying this because you bet Lily
that Robin and I would end up together.
- And you want that 5 bucks.
- I need that 5 bucks, Ted.
But more importantly,
I need you to be happy.
- Marshall, we're platonic.
- But you're not platonic.
You are 20 short minutes away
from happily ever after.
I mean, if you left right now.
ROBIN: Hey.
- I've loved you from the moment we met.
We're meant to be. I don't wanna waste
another second without you.
- Let's give it another shot.
- Okay! Ha-ha!
No!
Pay up, baby. Pay up.
[ROBIN AND TED LAUGHING]
[SINGING]
Sweet, sweet five bucks
You soon will be mine
Even though Lily and I share a bank account
So you were already mine to begin with
Sorry. And you and Robin get a lifetime
of happiness, so there's that.
You better hurry up
before some other guy snatches her up.
Really? And who's my competition?
Okay. Don't use the letter E.
Don't use the letter E.
Hey. Damn it.
Hi. I am Barney.
Damn it, there's an E in my name.
Hi. My word for this guy...
...is Barno.
Barno.
You look...
...not ugly.
- Heh.
Your dial thing is what?
- Can we just go back to my place?
- Yes.
Damn it.
I want to buy you a drink.
But first, what do I call you?
Elaine Edelstein.
How about I just call you tomorrow?
Your digits, milady?
Seriously, guys, you're gonna have
to try harder than that.
- Ha-ha.
- Challenge accepted.
Excuse me, hi.
I'm Ryan Gosling's personal assistant.
He saw you as you were walking in,
and he sent me over to tell you to wait here.
Be cool. This is real.
Okay? But listen. Ryan is super shy.
I know. Heh-heh.
Which means if he comes in here
and sees you talking to some other guy...
...he's gonna turn right around and leave.
Nod if you understand.
- Redhead at the bar.
- Challenge accepted!
- Hey there.
- Get away from me!
- It's like you're trying to lose!
- Hey, Eddie!
Last time I saw this many turnovers...
...was at a bakery!
- Oh!
- So are you doing this or what?
- No.
And if I were gonna do it,
I wouldn't just be like:
"Hey, we should get back together."
Amateur hour.
Here's how you do it.
Okay. Sorry.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
ROBIN:
Huh.
Stop! Thief!
MARSHALL:
The blue French horn. It's so romantic.
Oh, my God, do you know who you are?
You're Nicholas Sparks.
Hey, everybody!
We got a, uh, celebrity in the crowd!
- We got, uh, Nicholas Sparks!
- You didn't let me finish.
Ted, listen.
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
I can do without reliving that.
- Are you completely blind?
- What?
Open your eyes, ref! The ball hasn't touched
the ground in seven minutes!
Hey, ref! Check your voicemail!
I think you missed a few calls!
Are you completely blind?
- Wait, me or...?
- You, Ted.
- Robin has changed her mind.
- No, Robin doesn't change her mind.
Except that she does. Remember she used
to claim to hate white-guy funk bands?
Yet, at the farewell performance of my band...
...The Funk, the Whole Funk
and Nothing but the Funk, there's Robin...
...nodding her head and shouting out
requests for "Give Up the Funk."
I think she was nodding in response
to my question, "Do you want to leave soon?"
And she was legitimately suggesting
that you give up the funk.
Can we just drop this?
I have moved on.
Except that you haven't.
You didn't just come up with the
French horn thing. You've thought about this.
Mr. Sparks, I loved The Notebook.
Eddie, you're down by 80!
Will you watch the game?
Do not come any closer.
I swear I will kill you.
It's cool.
I'm not gonna come any closer.
You're looking at the door,
waiting for someone. Someone important.
Someone who will fill
an empty space in your life.
A movie star?
Uh-huh.
But which one?
Clooney? DiCaprio?
Zabka?
No, I'm gonna go with Ryan...
...Reyn...
Phillip...
Seacre...
Gosling. Ryan Gosling.
Yes, I'm waiting for Ryan Gosling, okay?
Now leave me alone.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
[IN GRAVELLY VOICE]
You passed my test, girl.
- Ryan?
ROBIN: No.
Just no.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I told her I'm a
Method actor and had to get plastic surgery...
...for an upcoming role where I play a man
more handsome than myself.
Congratulations. You win.
Win? No, I don't want to win.
Keep playing. More challenges.
- Fine, you want another challenge?
- More challenges, more challenges.
Fine, here's your challenge. Go down
to the pharmacy and buy some diapers.
And get me a samosa from the Indian place.
- Sounds like an errand.
- While picking up a girl.
Challenge accepted!
Come on! What ever happened
to the guy who wasn't afraid...
...to charge headlong into the unknown?
- What unknown?
Sure, eight years ago, when I stole
that French horn, yeah, that was the unknown.
But now?
How many times have we been here?
I know exactly what's gonna happen.
You know who else knew exactly
what was gonna happen?
The Washington Generals
on January 5th, 1971.
They knew they were gonna lose.
They went and gave it their best shot.
And they won that game, Ted,
for one reason and for one reason only.
Scoring error and the fact
that Curly Neal had the flu?
Perseverance.
It was the only win in Generals history.
But that's all you need.
Just one win.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
I'm gonna go grab us some beers.
Hi, I don't know who this is, but you are
disturbing me during the Globetrotters.
Hello, Ted.
It's Hammond Druthers.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Target acquired.
I'm recruiting volunteers for the Starving
Puppy Orphanage where I work.
For free. So if you wouldn't mind
just writing your number down...
...on this sign-up sheet...
Listen.
I appreciate that you feel
like you need my number.
Um, maybe it's because
you're really sad about something...
...and this is your way of feeling better
about yourself.
But since I have a boyfriend...
...and I'm pretty sure I heard you call me
a target earlier over there...
...I'm gonna go ahead
and not give you my number.
I'm gonna give you something even better.
Wow. Right to the chase.
Meet you in Aisle 6.
I'm gonna give you this.
It's gonna be okay.
You're a good guy.
You will get through this.
Uh, okay, weirdo alert.
[CHUCKLES]
Have you met?
Excuse me.
What do you mean, "sad"?
Ted, I'm calling you from Chicago, Illinois...
...where I'm a key player
in a very successful architectural firm.
- Oh, yeah, I read about that.
- About what you read...
- You built that concave glass tower.
- It melted a few buildings across the street.
Yes, fine. But come on, what architect hasn't
made a major design flaw...
...that raised the temperature
of the city aquarium to 190 degrees...
...and killed thousands of very rare fish?
That's the past, Ted.
I'm looking forward.
I want you on my team,
and I won't take no for an answer.
- No.
- I don't think you heard me, Ted.
- No.
- Come on, Ted.
Please? They're gonna give me
a parking spot if you say yes.
- Do I get a parking spot?
- We can go tandem.
- No.
- Every other week, then?
- No.
- Chicago's more of a walking town.
- No.
- All right, you can have the parking spot.
- So that's a yes?
- No.
Look, Ted, I can make your life very difficult.
- How?
- "How?"
I will call you a lot.
I will Tweet at you like crazy.
- I will live on your Facebook wall.
- We're not Facebook friends.
Yeah, what's going on with that?
It's been pending, like, for eight months now.
Look, Ted, you're a very hot commodity.
Everybody loves the GNB tower...
...and how it hasn't blinded any pilots
on final approach into O'Hare. Ha-ha-ha.
And I may have told the partners here
that you and I are very good friends.
- So please, just say you'll think about it.
- Fine.
I'll think about it.
Druthers shoots, he scores!
"Sad"? Lady, I got 14 girls' numbers
in the last hour.
And this was an off night. Heh-heh.
What can I possibly be sad about?
I think you were in love
and you messed it up.
Every moment since has been spent trying
to stay busy enough to ignore that fact.
TED:
And that's how Barney met your mother.
- Well, the Generals lost.
- What a nail-biter.
The fourth quarter,
my heart was in my throat.
- What was the final?
- Two hundred sixteen to 12.
Nobody talk to me right now.
I can't even...
The strangest thing happened.
I got a call from an unknown number.
And when I answered, l...
- You're eating olives.
- Yup.
Do you want these? I hate olives.
I thought you hate olives.
Heh. I guess I changed my mind.
[PHONE RINGS]
Ah.
Hello, partner.
Boy, that just sounds right, doesn't it?
Yeah, actually, Mr. Druthers,
my answer is no.
What? No. Ted, come on.
I'm sorry. I still have things
to do here in New York.
I am going to build a tower of glass
and melt you with it.
- No, you won't.
- No, I won't. But know this.
After today, this offer is gone forever.
When I hang up this phone,
you and I are done.
- The door is closed.
- Okay.
The door's always open, Ted. If you change
your mind, just call me back, okay? Bye.
I think he's coming around.
We tried dating a while back,
and it was a disaster.
But I always regret giving up.
It just ended so quickly.
[BARNEY CHUCKLES]
What about you? You and your boyfriend
gonna go the distance?
I don't know.
I think maybe I still haven't met the right guy.
BARNEY:
Hm.
Wonder if I know someone to set you up with.
Drawing a blank.
Are you gonna go get this girl or what?
I don't know.
I'm kind of at my peak right now.
I don't know if I can just walk away
from the game.
Do you want to keep playing?
Or do you want to win?
I want to win.
[THE MAGNETIC FIELDS'
"IT'S ONLY TIME" PLAYS]
What am I doing?
In less than 20 minutes,
Robin and I could be...
Oh, no. This is gonna take more
than 20 minutes.
This is gonna take everything you have got.
This is gonna take all your time,
all of your attention, all of your resources.
This is the big one, Diaper Man.
You've gotta do it right.
You can't be messing around
picking up girls in drug stores.
It's only time
You got work to do.
It's only time
It's only time
What could stop this beating heart?
We're not platonic.
"Platonish" maybe, if that's even a word.
But not platonic.
It's only time
TED: There's something between us,
and there always will be.
If this was eight years ago...
...I'd be jumping into a cab right now
to go steal that blue French horn.
- Well, why don't you?
- I don't know.
It just doesn't seem to work that way anymore.
I used to be in such a hurry all the time.
Everything was so urgent.
But now? I don't know, I figure...
... if it's gonna happen,
it'll happen when it happens.
I'm not going anywhere,
she's not going anywhere.
What's the rush, right?
And swim your sea
And swim your sea
Marry me
I have no idea who that girl was,
but she set me straight.
After that, I had one challenge
and one challenge only.
Get Robin Scherbatsky
to fall in love with me.
Challenge completed.
Why would I stop loving you
A hundred years from now?
Ripped By mstoll
Can't believe your mom's not coming.
Okay, seriously, I need to stop crying.
Does anyone know how to turn this off?
Ripped By mstoll
Is there, like, a button or something?
Want me to feel around for it?
It's probably somewhere on your back.
- What? Trying to cheer you up.
- Stop.
- I don't think that's possible at this point.
- Challenge accepted.
No, Barney, I just need to get myself
to stop crying, that's all.
- Boogiddy-boo!
- Lily, what the hell? It's not the hiccups.
I was just going on a hunch.
[ROBIN HICCUPS]
And now I have the hiccups.
Look, guys, just seriously,
don't worry about me.
- Just let me deal with this on my own.
- I'm afraid that's not possible.
Once I've accepted a challenge,
it cannot be unaccepted.
I will not rest until the job is done.
Oh, is that so?
Then where are our diapers
and samosas? Aha!
TED:
Diapers and samosas.
That's a story that took place
six months earlier in the fall of 2012.
[IN UNISON]
Major Craving A Mojito.
Oh, God, we're back
to your stupid little private joke again?
Are you guys really still doing this
seven years later?
It's so annoying. Just stop it.
[IN UNISON] Private Joke Again?
Are You Still Doing This Seven Years Later?
It's So Annoying. Just Stop It.
You don't salute a private.
- Heh-heh-heh. I'll be right back.
TED: All right.
- Lily, are you playing footsie with me?
- What? Oh, no, no, no.
- I was just feeling around for your shin.
- My shin? Why would you...? Ow!
- Why'd you do that?
- To remind you what pain is.
You keep it up
with all the cutesy-tootsy stuff with Robin...
...gonna be a whole lot more
where that came from.
- Lily, you have nothing to worry about.
- I better not.
You and Robin are platonic.
Please, Ted and Robin are not platonic.
Just like me and Robin are not platonic.
Just like no two single people
in the world are ever platonic.
Symposium. Two people are only platonic
if in the next 20 minutes...
...there is no chance of them hooking up.
Truth is, I only know
of one genuinely platonic relationship.
- You and me.
- Don't make me laugh, Lily.
You want to hit this so hard.
Seriously, she's playing footsies
with me as l... Ow!
No, I'm talking about Marshall and Robin.
BARNEY: Marshall and Robin wouldn't hook up
even if this happened.
Marshall! Robin! If you guys don't
full-on make out in the next 20 minutes...
...they're gonna blow me up
and everyone in this bar!
- Oh, God, no. Anyone but Robin.
- I really don't want to do this.
Guys, we have no time. Just do it!
- I'm sorry, baby. I just... I can't do it.
- Aw...
And the only survivor was me,
because I was upstairs banging Ted's mom.
What? Get that blond girl's phone number?
Challenge accepted.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Unknown caller, stop calling me.
- Are you gonna answer it?
Yeah. Because it's 1994
and I'm gonna pick up a phone...
...without knowing who's on the other end.
I should get going.
- Ted.
- By every definition of the word "platonic"...
...including Barney's fake one,
I can say with total certainty...
...that Brussels sprouts are
the comeback vegetable of the 21st century.
- Well, see you guys later.
ROBIN: Bye.
Challenge completed.
I'm sorry, I missed the first half of this.
Why is picking up a drunk chick
sitting alone and rubbing a tan line...
...on her finger where a wedding ring
used to be a challenge?
Because I said, "Challenge accepted." Pfft.
See, that's your problem, Barney.
You only accept challenges you came up with.
Just once, I'd like to see you
accept someone else's challenge.
Challenge accep...
Wait, what's the challenge?
Interesting. An opportunity rife
with possibilities.
We need to find something
with just the right amount of poetic...
Get a girl's number
while talking like a dolphin.
That works.
[IMITATES DOLPHIN]
[HORNS HONKING]
Open your eyes, ref!
That's not a pregnant lady!
It's a basketball under his shirt!
Blow the freaking whistle!
Anyways, Barney's right.
I would absolutely let the bar blow up.
But you'd die. And Lily would die too.
Yeah, then we could haunt the bar,
like we planned.
Anyways, Robin's your girl.
- Why keep coming back to this?
- It's fun. Tickets are cheap.
- Gets us out of the house.
- No. Me and Robin.
Because Robin told me
that she's still in love with you.
Are you serious? Robin told you
that she's still in love with me?
No, I just made that up.
It was worth it because I can tell by your face
that you still have feelings for Robin.
Okay, Bull is sitting on the basket!
That's not only illegal, it's unsafe!
Come on, Gens! D up!
It's this monastery in Connecticut,
out in the woods...
...and the nuns there,
they make this gourmet cheese.
It's amazing.
[IMITATES DOLPHIN]
Wow, was that three glasses of wine?
Where does the time go?
[IMITATES DOLPHIN]
[CHUCKLES]
I know you need to get back
to your studies.
Maybe we could get together
some other time?
[IMITATES DOLPHIN]
No. Not possible.
It was the performance of a lifetime.
If I'd have hung around...
...I could've gotten her
to touch my blowhole.
Give me that.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
- Hello?
ROBIN [OVER PHONE]: Hi.
Did you just give your phone number to a guy
who was squeaking like a dolphin?
- Yeah.
- Honey, listen. I need you to take a year.
A full year. And just be celibate, okay?
No boys, one year.
Think you know I'm right about this.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
- That was heartbreaking.
- And pants-breaking. Boi-yoi-yoi-ing!
All right, next challenge.
Oh, this is an all-night thing?
Okay. Um...
Pick up a girl wearing a garbage bag.
I'd be Glad to.
Just hope she's not too Hefty.
And those are all of the brands
of trash bags I can think of.
I'm not done.
You also can't use the letter E.
Challng accptd!
You're single, she's single.
It's time to do this.
You're saying this because you bet Lily
that Robin and I would end up together.
- And you want that 5 bucks.
- I need that 5 bucks, Ted.
But more importantly,
I need you to be happy.
- Marshall, we're platonic.
- But you're not platonic.
You are 20 short minutes away
from happily ever after.
I mean, if you left right now.
ROBIN: Hey.
- I've loved you from the moment we met.
We're meant to be. I don't wanna waste
another second without you.
- Let's give it another shot.
- Okay! Ha-ha!
No!
Pay up, baby. Pay up.
[ROBIN AND TED LAUGHING]
[SINGING]
Sweet, sweet five bucks
You soon will be mine
Even though Lily and I share a bank account
So you were already mine to begin with
Sorry. And you and Robin get a lifetime
of happiness, so there's that.
You better hurry up
before some other guy snatches her up.
Really? And who's my competition?
Okay. Don't use the letter E.
Don't use the letter E.
Hey. Damn it.
Hi. I am Barney.
Damn it, there's an E in my name.
Hi. My word for this guy...
...is Barno.
Barno.
You look...
...not ugly.
- Heh.
Your dial thing is what?
- Can we just go back to my place?
- Yes.
Damn it.
I want to buy you a drink.
But first, what do I call you?
Elaine Edelstein.
How about I just call you tomorrow?
Your digits, milady?
Seriously, guys, you're gonna have
to try harder than that.
- Ha-ha.
- Challenge accepted.
Excuse me, hi.
I'm Ryan Gosling's personal assistant.
He saw you as you were walking in,
and he sent me over to tell you to wait here.
Be cool. This is real.
Okay? But listen. Ryan is super shy.
I know. Heh-heh.
Which means if he comes in here
and sees you talking to some other guy...
...he's gonna turn right around and leave.
Nod if you understand.
- Redhead at the bar.
- Challenge accepted!
- Hey there.
- Get away from me!
- It's like you're trying to lose!
- Hey, Eddie!
Last time I saw this many turnovers...
...was at a bakery!
- Oh!
- So are you doing this or what?
- No.
And if I were gonna do it,
I wouldn't just be like:
"Hey, we should get back together."
Amateur hour.
Here's how you do it.
Okay. Sorry.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
ROBIN:
Huh.
Stop! Thief!
MARSHALL:
The blue French horn. It's so romantic.
Oh, my God, do you know who you are?
You're Nicholas Sparks.
Hey, everybody!
We got a, uh, celebrity in the crowd!
- We got, uh, Nicholas Sparks!
- You didn't let me finish.
Ted, listen.
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
I can do without reliving that.
- Are you completely blind?
- What?
Open your eyes, ref! The ball hasn't touched
the ground in seven minutes!
Hey, ref! Check your voicemail!
I think you missed a few calls!
Are you completely blind?
- Wait, me or...?
- You, Ted.
- Robin has changed her mind.
- No, Robin doesn't change her mind.
Except that she does. Remember she used
to claim to hate white-guy funk bands?
Yet, at the farewell performance of my band...
...The Funk, the Whole Funk
and Nothing but the Funk, there's Robin...
...nodding her head and shouting out
requests for "Give Up the Funk."
I think she was nodding in response
to my question, "Do you want to leave soon?"
And she was legitimately suggesting
that you give up the funk.
Can we just drop this?
I have moved on.
Except that you haven't.
You didn't just come up with the
French horn thing. You've thought about this.
Mr. Sparks, I loved The Notebook.
Eddie, you're down by 80!
Will you watch the game?
Do not come any closer.
I swear I will kill you.
It's cool.
I'm not gonna come any closer.
You're looking at the door,
waiting for someone. Someone important.
Someone who will fill
an empty space in your life.
A movie star?
Uh-huh.
But which one?
Clooney? DiCaprio?
Zabka?
No, I'm gonna go with Ryan...
...Reyn...
Phillip...
Seacre...
Gosling. Ryan Gosling.
Yes, I'm waiting for Ryan Gosling, okay?
Now leave me alone.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
[IN GRAVELLY VOICE]
You passed my test, girl.
- Ryan?
ROBIN: No.
Just no.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I told her I'm a
Method actor and had to get plastic surgery...
...for an upcoming role where I play a man
more handsome than myself.
Congratulations. You win.
Win? No, I don't want to win.
Keep playing. More challenges.
- Fine, you want another challenge?
- More challenges, more challenges.
Fine, here's your challenge. Go down
to the pharmacy and buy some diapers.
And get me a samosa from the Indian place.
- Sounds like an errand.
- While picking up a girl.
Challenge accepted!
Come on! What ever happened
to the guy who wasn't afraid...
...to charge headlong into the unknown?
- What unknown?
Sure, eight years ago, when I stole
that French horn, yeah, that was the unknown.
But now?
How many times have we been here?
I know exactly what's gonna happen.
You know who else knew exactly
what was gonna happen?
The Washington Generals
on January 5th, 1971.
They knew they were gonna lose.
They went and gave it their best shot.
And they won that game, Ted,
for one reason and for one reason only.
Scoring error and the fact
that Curly Neal had the flu?
Perseverance.
It was the only win in Generals history.
But that's all you need.
Just one win.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
I'm gonna go grab us some beers.
Hi, I don't know who this is, but you are
disturbing me during the Globetrotters.
Hello, Ted.
It's Hammond Druthers.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Target acquired.
I'm recruiting volunteers for the Starving
Puppy Orphanage where I work.
For free. So if you wouldn't mind
just writing your number down...
...on this sign-up sheet...
Listen.
I appreciate that you feel
like you need my number.
Um, maybe it's because
you're really sad about something...
...and this is your way of feeling better
about yourself.
But since I have a boyfriend...
...and I'm pretty sure I heard you call me
a target earlier over there...
...I'm gonna go ahead
and not give you my number.
I'm gonna give you something even better.
Wow. Right to the chase.
Meet you in Aisle 6.
I'm gonna give you this.
It's gonna be okay.
You're a good guy.
You will get through this.
Uh, okay, weirdo alert.
[CHUCKLES]
Have you met?
Excuse me.
What do you mean, "sad"?
Ted, I'm calling you from Chicago, Illinois...
...where I'm a key player
in a very successful architectural firm.
- Oh, yeah, I read about that.
- About what you read...
- You built that concave glass tower.
- It melted a few buildings across the street.
Yes, fine. But come on, what architect hasn't
made a major design flaw...
...that raised the temperature
of the city aquarium to 190 degrees...
...and killed thousands of very rare fish?
That's the past, Ted.
I'm looking forward.
I want you on my team,
and I won't take no for an answer.
- No.
- I don't think you heard me, Ted.
- No.
- Come on, Ted.
Please? They're gonna give me
a parking spot if you say yes.
- Do I get a parking spot?
- We can go tandem.
- No.
- Every other week, then?
- No.
- Chicago's more of a walking town.
- No.
- All right, you can have the parking spot.
- So that's a yes?
- No.
Look, Ted, I can make your life very difficult.
- How?
- "How?"
I will call you a lot.
I will Tweet at you like crazy.
- I will live on your Facebook wall.
- We're not Facebook friends.
Yeah, what's going on with that?
It's been pending, like, for eight months now.
Look, Ted, you're a very hot commodity.
Everybody loves the GNB tower...
...and how it hasn't blinded any pilots
on final approach into O'Hare. Ha-ha-ha.
And I may have told the partners here
that you and I are very good friends.
- So please, just say you'll think about it.
- Fine.
I'll think about it.
Druthers shoots, he scores!
"Sad"? Lady, I got 14 girls' numbers
in the last hour.
And this was an off night. Heh-heh.
What can I possibly be sad about?
I think you were in love
and you messed it up.
Every moment since has been spent trying
to stay busy enough to ignore that fact.
TED:
And that's how Barney met your mother.
- Well, the Generals lost.
- What a nail-biter.
The fourth quarter,
my heart was in my throat.
- What was the final?
- Two hundred sixteen to 12.
Nobody talk to me right now.
I can't even...
The strangest thing happened.
I got a call from an unknown number.
And when I answered, l...
- You're eating olives.
- Yup.
Do you want these? I hate olives.
I thought you hate olives.
Heh. I guess I changed my mind.
[PHONE RINGS]
Ah.
Hello, partner.
Boy, that just sounds right, doesn't it?
Yeah, actually, Mr. Druthers,
my answer is no.
What? No. Ted, come on.
I'm sorry. I still have things
to do here in New York.
I am going to build a tower of glass
and melt you with it.
- No, you won't.
- No, I won't. But know this.
After today, this offer is gone forever.
When I hang up this phone,
you and I are done.
- The door is closed.
- Okay.
The door's always open, Ted. If you change
your mind, just call me back, okay? Bye.
I think he's coming around.
We tried dating a while back,
and it was a disaster.
But I always regret giving up.
It just ended so quickly.
[BARNEY CHUCKLES]
What about you? You and your boyfriend
gonna go the distance?
I don't know.
I think maybe I still haven't met the right guy.
BARNEY:
Hm.
Wonder if I know someone to set you up with.
Drawing a blank.
Are you gonna go get this girl or what?
I don't know.
I'm kind of at my peak right now.
I don't know if I can just walk away
from the game.
Do you want to keep playing?
Or do you want to win?
I want to win.
[THE MAGNETIC FIELDS'
"IT'S ONLY TIME" PLAYS]
What am I doing?
In less than 20 minutes,
Robin and I could be...
Oh, no. This is gonna take more
than 20 minutes.
This is gonna take everything you have got.
This is gonna take all your time,
all of your attention, all of your resources.
This is the big one, Diaper Man.
You've gotta do it right.
You can't be messing around
picking up girls in drug stores.
It's only time
You got work to do.
It's only time
It's only time
What could stop this beating heart?
We're not platonic.
"Platonish" maybe, if that's even a word.
But not platonic.
It's only time
TED: There's something between us,
and there always will be.
If this was eight years ago...
...I'd be jumping into a cab right now
to go steal that blue French horn.
- Well, why don't you?
- I don't know.
It just doesn't seem to work that way anymore.
I used to be in such a hurry all the time.
Everything was so urgent.
But now? I don't know, I figure...
... if it's gonna happen,
it'll happen when it happens.
I'm not going anywhere,
she's not going anywhere.
What's the rush, right?
And swim your sea
And swim your sea
Marry me
I have no idea who that girl was,
but she set me straight.
After that, I had one challenge
and one challenge only.
Get Robin Scherbatsky
to fall in love with me.
Challenge completed.
Why would I stop loving you
A hundred years from now?
Ripped By mstoll