How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 9, Episode 8 - The Lighthouse - full transcript

Kids,
Barney's mom had this blouse

that she absolutely loved,

but then Robin won it
in a poker game,

which led
to some slight awkwardness.

You won the battle...
but I'll win the war.

Game on, bitch.

Please, Mom,
I need you to just be cool.

Okay, can you do that for me?

For you, yes.

And for Robin?

She's gonna be

your daughter in 33 hours.

Daughter in law.

Making it illegal

for you not
to treat her like a daughter.

In-lawyered.

Please, Mom.

All Robin wants to do is
put this whole thing behind her

so she can get married and
put this whole thing behind her.

Ah! Get-this-over-with-quickly
so-we-can

move-past-how-awkward-it-was
that-I-just-said-that five!

Fine. If Robin's ready
to bury the hatchet,

then I guess
I'm ready to bury the hatchet.

Morning, bitches.
Like my new blouse?

Oh, hell, no!
No, Mom. Mom!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x08 ♪
The Lighthouse
Original Air Date on November 4, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Kids, not far
from the Farhampton Inn,

there's a lighthouse.

It's a really special place,

and that morning
I wanted to see it for myself.

There was just one problem.

Look, I'm sorry, Ted, but-but

I can't in good faith send
a lonely guy like yourself

to the top
of a very romantic,

and more to the point,
a very tall lighthouse.

I don't want your blood
on my hands,

and I mean that literally,
because it would be my job to...

to hose down the rocks.

Now, late the night before,

thanks to Marshall's
travel companion, Daphne,

Lily had received
some unsettling news.

I'm gonna be a judge.

Screwing up their
whole plan to move to Italy.

She wasn't happy.

Yes, I'm in a rotten mood.

No, I don't want
to talk about it.

Yes, this has
booze in it.

No, it's not
my first.

You want to make this brunch
a drunch?

You do you, I'm not gonna judge.

I'm gonna be a judge.

Judge.

Thank you, Linus.

As for Marshall and Daphne,

they got caught
in that big storm.

Luckily, they had a place
to crash for the night.

My childhood home.

Okay, that sign
might not have been there.

Thank you so much for letting
us stay the night, Mrs. Mosby.

Oh, it's our pleasure.

I'm just glad that storm has passed.
Oh.

But there's one storm
that hasn't passed,

isn't there, Marshall?

Hey, Clint.

You know what I'm talking
about, don't you, Marshall?

I'm talking about the one
that's been raining

cats and dogs all over
this-this, this friendship.

This isn't a friendship.

Oh.

Nice.

We're reluctant
travel companions.

Well, little known fact
about me.

I'm an almost-graduate

of the Conflict Resolution
program over at... at Tri-C.

I even had my own practice
at Van Aken Plaza

before the manager
of the Wendy's

made me stop hogging the booth.

The point is,
I can fix this.

Oh, I don't know, Clint.

♪ Gonna resolve some conflicts

♪ Gonna resolve
some conflicts ♪

♪ Gonna make
a deeper understanding ♪

♪ Through mediation.

Okay, you know what?
We have to hit the road.

But, um, Mrs. Mosby, do you
mind if I take this mug?

I would very much like

to make fun of Ted
next time I see him.

Of course.

You know, when Ted was seven,

he and his best friend
took this Wild West photo

together at Geauga Lake.

I could go look for it.

We really should get going.

His best friend was a balloon.

What's a few more minutes?

Yeah, you're gonna want that.

So... what's everyone
doing this morning?

Oh, well, I kind of feel
like playing some tennis.

Maybe we should reserve a court.

Court.

Thank you, Linus.

Pancakes and eggs, Robin?

I guess that blouse won't be
loose and flowy for long.

Mom...

Keep talking, Loretta.

I've been waiting
all morning to...

ketchup.

Oops.

You're not supposed to put
ketchup on scrambled eggs.

Right, Loretta, because

you're the queen
of scrambled eggs.

Actually, that's

exactly what she is.

When Mom was

a groupie in the '70s,

her scrambled eggs made her the
darling of the MSG loading dock.

Lot of songs written
about those scrambled eggs.

ZZ Top's "She's Got Legs"?

Originally "She's Got Eggs."

Led Zeppelin?

"Scramble On."

Steve Miller?

"The Yolker."

If you listen to Pink Floyd's
Dark Side of the Moon

while eating her eggs,
it lines up perfectly.

While I'm sure it was
your mother's cooking skills

that made her so popular with
Zed Zed Top and their ilk,

I know for a fact

that she does not make
the best scrambled eggs.

Because my mom makes
the best scrambled eggs.

Kids, we've known
your Aunt Robin

for eight years at that point,

and here's what we knew
about her mom.

My mom is terrified
of flying.

My mom got stung
by a jellyfish.

My mom makes
the best scrambled eggs.

And... that's everything.

In fact, she should be here
any minute.

Barney,

maybe she can cook you
some real scrambled eggs

so you can see what
you've been missing.

Don't do this, Robin.
You can't win the egg war.

Canadian scrambled eggs,
how quaint.

Does your mom put maple syrup
on them?

Ha, ha, ha,
this is all very friendly.

Get out of this now.

Why not? We put maple syrup
on everything else.

Aw.

That's it!

We need your omelet station.

My son's fiancée is
about to get served...

some delicious
scrambled eggs.

Or I could go out to the
driveway and eat some gravel.

Wait. Sorry.
Did you say gravel or gavel?

Gravel. Why would
I say gavel?

Gavel.

Thank you, Linus.

Curtis, can I please

have a map to the lighthouse?

It's a very romantic lighthouse.

I can't even have a map?

It's a very romantic map.

I can't let you go
without a date.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

What happened to that girl Cassie?
Cassie?

Cassie was the girl I'd spent

the entire previous night
consoling.

Just consoling.

Yeah, that's not happening.

And then, in her anger,

Lily gave me a piece of advice

about which
she would later say...

Oh, mama, that was
some bad advice.

Okay, here's why
you're an idiot.

Did you find
Cassie attractive?

I guess.
Is she a relatively normal height?

Yeah.
So end up with her already.

God, do you really think

that you're gonna find
some perfect girl

who checks off every
item on your list?

Well, not every item.

I mean, she doesn't have
to share my love for coins.

Although it would
be nice, just once,

not to have to go stag
to Coin-Con.

Pull your head out
of your ass, Mosby.

Do you think Marshall
always makes me happy?

I mean, sometimes being
with him is a real trial.

Real trial.

Huh.

Did it to myself that time.

Look, Ted, it's
time to settle.

Take this normal-sized chick
up to the lighthouse

and fall in love with her

and quit bothering us with
your dumb love life stuff.

God, I am so sick of being
smarter than everyone else.

You're slipping, Linus.

We're running
out of glasses.

Do you want to just go
to the stupid lighthouse?

Ooh, zitch dog.

Cocker spaniel in the Jetta.

That's Marshall
Eriksen-- 28,

Daphne-- zero.

For the 28th time,

I'm not playing
your stupid game!

Oh, stupid, huh?

That's great.

I guess Daphne gets
to pick the music

and crap all over
my fun road-trip games.

You know, maybe
Clint was right.

Maybe we do need
conflict resolution.

I knew you guys
would come around.

And so I made up my mind
to settle for Cassie.

So, um, what kind
of music do you like?

Hmm... nothing.

Still, I felt optimistic.

After all,
Cassie was cute and single

and heck, it's not like
the universe was telling us

we shouldn't be together.

Here we are. Enjoy.

happy wife,
happy life.

Pretend
they're just okay.

Please, Lily,
I think I can manage to...

Oh, my God.

I'm eight years
old again,

and life is perfect,

and I haven't peed my shorts
in front of 350 Webelos

at the Pinewood Derby Regionals
in Wheeling, West Virginia.

I'm sorry, Robin.

What do you think, Lily?

Oh, my God,
they are so delicious.

Even more delicious than
finding out Barney peed himself

at the Pinewood Derby Regionals
in Wheeling, West Virginia.

I'm sorry, Robin.

Mmm.
Come on,

they can't be
that good.

Oh!

Excuse me, Mrs. Stinson,
some of our guests

smelled your scrambled eggs
and were wondering

if you could make some
for them as well.

Oh, I don't think I should...

Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!
Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!

Eggs! Eggs!

Clint, what are
you doing here?

What the Ohio State Board of
Holistic Medicine has repeatedly

told me I'm in no way qualified
to do: my job.

When I see a conflict
needs resolving, I must act.

Plus, Ted's mom wanted me out
of the house.

So, today, we're gonna build
a new paradigm

of understanding,

and then you're gonna swoop me
on back to Shaker Heights.

Oh, I need to stop

at Record Rev on Coventry.

My vaporizer's ready.

Marshall, pull over
and dump this hippie

on the side of the road.

I can't do that.

♪ Gonna resolve
some conflicts ♪

♪ Gonna resolve some conflicts

Daphne picks the music.

♪ Gonna end this argument

♪ Between Marshall
and his mistress. ♪

Oh, come on.
Daphne picks the music!

Ow! Stupid racecar!

This is why children
should not have toys!

Look, maybe this lighthouse
thing isn't such a good idea.

No, you don't.

You committed,

and so did I, so let's go.

Oh. Ow! Oh!

Actually, it's feeling better.

Ow! Oh! No, it's not.

Oh.

Mom, I don't know
why your phone is off.

Maybe you left your charger
in the pickup truck.

But I need you to get here
as fast possible.

I know
you're probably gonna want

to take a hot bath
when you get in.

She fits in a bathtub.

That's good news. Unless...

Oh, God, how big are
Canadian bathtubs?

People ever line up

like this for your mom's eggs?

Loretta, even I could make
better eggs than this.

Oh, I'd love it
if you'd come teach me

how to make scrambled eggs.

It's a scramble-off,
everybody!

A scramble-off
to the death!

Someone go watch
for the cops!

Maybe we should have read up
on this town

before booking our wedding.

Let's do some,
"When you... I feel."

All right, for example,

when you don't
do trust falls,

I feel like you
should do trust falls.

So just do the
damn trust falls.

I'm driving a car, Clint.

Okay,

uh, Daphne, when you say
"Drill, baby, drill"

every time
that we pass a gas station,

I feel invalidated.

Marshall, when you talk,
I feel shut up!

That's very good, both of you.

Really? Both of us?

Name one energy
that's better than oil.

Wind, solar, hydroelectric.

You see what I've been dealing
with, Clint?

♪ The sticky petroleum
clings... ♪

Please not now, Clint.

♪ To the pelican's
broken wings ♪

♪ Hey, Mr. Oilman,
what have you done... ♪

Stop, stop, stop, please.
Enough! Clint,

I'm tired of your beard
and I'm tired

of this stupid therapy session.
And I'm tired

of the way that your songs have
a-a laxative effect on Marvin!

And on me. Every time
Clint starts singing,

I just got to go.
Yeah.

It's like, uh, the only
trust fall when you sing

is that I "trust"
that a piece of poop

is gonna "fall" out
of my son's butt.

Hey, Clint, how about that?

You got us to agree on something.
Yeah.

We both think you're a loser.

This therapy works.

No!

That is not the way
therapy works at all!

Do you think this is
some kind of a joke?!

This is my career!

I will not go back to
coaching the Browns!

Why can't people take

what I do seriously?!

God!

Oh, my God. One more.

Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, my God.

God, that was a lot of stairs.
I'm exhausted.

My chest is on fire.

Oh.

Ooh! So, Mr. Arch-itect,

what do we do now?

Fall in love or something?

And, kids, as I stood
on that lighthouse

and looked at that girl, I felt
something happen inside me,

something that had only
happened one other time

in my entire adult life.

Okay, scrambled eggs.

Here we go.

Where is the egg opener?

Never mind. I'll pre-scramble
them. It's fine.

Okay, fine, Loretta.
You know what? You win.

I don't
know how

to cook egg.

If you don't even know how
to make scrambled eggs,

I just worry what
kind of breakfast

you're gonna be serving
my grandchildren.

Well, lucky you

because that is one thing you
won't ever have to worry about.

Mom, Robin
can't have kids.

Every single job I take on,
it's always the same!

"The coffee maker has to stay
in the office, Clint!"

"You still have to wear pants
on Casual Friday, Clint!"

"We didn't

hire you, Clint!"

Well, God,
I'm-I'm...

I'm just sick of it. I'm si...

Ow. Ow. Oh, I can hear
my blood right now.

I'm having an attack.
I'm having a blood attack.

A blood attack?

Yeah. Pull over. I need...
I-I need to meditate.

I got to get my heart rate down.
I'll... Ow! Pull over.

We're in the middle of nowhere.
Pull over!

Zitch dog, Labradoodle
in a Ford Fusion! Ow!

God...

Robin can't have kids?

But you always wanted children.

No, I always liked children.

I've always wanted a Lamborghini
where there's a hot tub inside.

God, I wish that existed.

So no grandkids.

How long have you known
about this?

I found out last fall.

Robin and I had been
hanging out downtown

at this very cool secret bar.

What a lovely place!

Have you ever had
sushi that fresh?

Okay, I am never getting
on a mechanical bull again.

I can't believe Marshall
and Lily missed out.

Promise me,
if you ever have kids,

you'll sometimes get
a babysitter

and come have an epic night.

Oh, and, P.S., bring the
babysitter, she sounds dirty.

Actually, I, uh,
I can't have kids,

so that's not an issue.

Really?

Yeah.

Is it weird
that I'm hugging you like this?

No, it's not weird.

Now it's weird. Mm-hmm.
Yep, the rain makes it weird.

Mom, I'm not marrying
some future possibility

of starting a family.

I'm marrying a girl.

Who means more to me than kids.

Or my career.

Or even the Lambor-cuzzi,
patent pending.

So please...

...be nice to her?

This is ridiculous.

Get out there
and drag Clint's

downward-facing ass back in here
so we can get going.

Just let him do his thing.

Do you know why
the Daphnes of the world

always get to pick the music

and the Marshalls pay
all the tolls?

Because
the Marshalls

are so concerned

with letting everybody
do their thing,

and the Daphnes
are taking care of Daphne.

You can talk to me about solar
or wind or hydro-whatever,

but the world is always gonna
push you around, Marshall.

Until you learn
to go nuclear.

What are you doing?

Is this real?

Are you doing this?

We need some driving music.

No!

You threw a live grenade
into my marriage.

You screwed up my whole world.

So from now on...

we listen to my music.

♪ But I would walk 500 miles

♪ And I would walk 500 more...

I hate this song.

Give it time.

Zitch dog, beagle
in a Beetle.

Don't let Loretta
get to you.

Hey, when your mom gets here,
do you want to all go--

I don't know--
avoid jellyfish?

She's not coming.

What?

I finally got a hold of her.

She, um, never got on the plane.

She was too scared.

She won't be
at her daughter's wedding.

If that is the case...

can we tell Barney
she's super fat?

It would mean the world to me.

Of course.

Oh, here we go.

Listen, Robin...
Loretta,

not now. Robin just found out

her mom's not coming
to the wedding.

Oh.

Well, uh, okay.

Loretta...

My name's Mom.

Don't you ever call me
anything else.

I'm Mom.

Okay.

Mom.

I'm sorry.
Sometimes I get...

...carried away.

Your eggs are great, by the way.

Oh, mama,

that was some bad advice.

Thanks, Lil.

But you know what sucks?

When I was
at the top

of that lighthouse,

despite everything else...

Wow. It's like traveling
back in time.

Just stop talking.

...it was breathtaking.

And I wasted it.

I mean, how many places
have I ruined forever

by being there
with the wrong girl?

So come back
with the right girl.

I don't know.

I'm starting to think a person
gets a certain allotment

of lighthouses per lifetime.

And I've used all mine up.

And that, kids, is the kind
of stupid thing you say

before you've met the person
who hits the reset button

on the world,
who makes everything new again,

who makes it seem ridiculous

that you ever considered
settling,

because not two years later...

Look at that.

It's like traveling
back in time.

That is exactly what I said.

Why couldn't it have been you
here with me two years ago?

That's probably
for the best.

When you vomit, I vomit.

You know that.

Well, thanks for being
here with me now.

Thanks for bringing me.

Wow.

It is just
bonkers beautiful here.

I don't know how you could
improve on a day like this.

Well, I'm gonna try.

Whoa.

Will you...

Yes.

You didn't even let me...

Yes.

Marry me?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes... yes.

♪ Just try,
try a little tenderness ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got to

♪ Know how to love her, man

♪ Take this advice, man

♪ You got to squeeze her

♪ Don't tease her. ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Son of a bitch!