How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 9, Episode 4 - The Broken Code - full transcript
Lily and Ted are carrying out their respective matron of honor and best man duties. Lily seems to be lax on carrying out her duties by forgetting to hit the send button on Robin's bridal shower evite. But Lily admits that the shower was a bit of a bust for another reason. Lily and Robin try to overcome that problem. On the other hand, Ted is doing whatever he can to be the best best man ever by accommodating Barney's every whim. But there is one thing that Ted may not be able to do for Barney, and that is not to have held Robin's hand at the carousel in the park, which Barney saw. Marshall the lawyer, who, although still on the road with Daphne, is present with the gang in a half stuffed man/half electronic state, ends up being the judge on the Barney/Ted issue.
TED: Kids, it was two days before
Barney and Robin's wedding...
... and everything was going off
without a hitch.
Ah. I've been waiting for the perfect time
for this. That time...
Ripped By mstoll
I saw you and Robin at the carousel.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
TED:
Okay, there was one slight hitch.
BARNEY: She called me to help her,
and there you were...
... in the rain, holding hands
with my fianc?e.
What up?
Nothing up.
Everything down. All parts of me down.
Look, you were busy...
...so I went to the park to help her look
for this locket she buried years ago.
She couldn't find it, she got upset,
I held her hand. End of story.
Cool. I just wanted to air that out,
you know, bro to bro.
You're my best friend and my best man.
Of course I trust you.
Oh, come on,
you don't have to cry about it.
[SOBBING]
It's not that.
That was a $600 bottle of Scotch.
Oh, my God.
[BOTH SOBBING]
I hope Marshall gets here
for the rehearsal dinner.
Thank you, Linus.
He's somewhere in Wisconsin
in a rental car.
- Hertz?
- I mean, it hurts a little...
...but I'm not gonna cry about it. Hey!
We've been doing that all afternoon.
ROBIN: Who's that for?
- Marshpillow.
TED: Kids, as you may recall,
whenever Marshall left town for a few days...
... Lily would compensate with a body pillow
she dressed up and named Marshpillow.
Pretty normal stuff.
But with Marshall stuck driving across
the country, Lily decided to upgrade.
Meet Marshpillow 2.0.
Yay.
Am I on?
- Hey, guys.
ALL: Hey, Marshall.
It's like you're really here.
Hey, Ted, can you give me a gander
of the environs?
Wow, this place looks beauti...
Wait for it.
He's frozen.
Same thing happened last night
at the worst possible time.
I had just gotten on all fours
and taken off my pantie...
Now Lily's frozen.
- Ful. This place is beautiful.
Wow, Lily, looks like you really put
some time into this, huh?
Though I wonder if instead of dressing up
your giant husband doll like Malibu Ken...
...you could have spent a minute or two,
I don't know...
...planning the weak-ass
bachelorette party you threw me.
It's possible I forgot to send out the Evite.
Robin, happy bachelorette party.
You invited Patrice
to my bachelorette party?
No.
You know, it's funny, when I was planning
Barney's bachelor party...
... I managed to wrangle his boyhood hero,
Billy Zabka from The Karate Kid.
But you scored Patrice.
I'm sorry, Robin. I've just been
so consumed with our move to Rome...
...I guess I forgot to invite the girls.
I'd like to show you how it's done.
Billy Zabka, what a great guy.
Look at how thorough Ted was...
...planning the poker game
he's throwing for Barney.
Wait, I think I'm on some sort of delay here.
Ahem. "Best Man" visor for the dealer.
Customized playing cards.
Barney's the king.
And the queens are naked.
It was my first decree.
Plus Ted handwrote all of the table cards
for the reception in calligraphy.
The man's a wizard with a pen.
Oh. Ha, ha. I don't know about all that.
Though I was approached
by the decorating committee...
...to make the signs for our senior prom.
I'm told they were quite the hit.
[HISSES]
Hey, buddy, listen, you're gonna kill me,
but I forgot to bring the table cards.
Uh, I'd hate to ask you to re-do them...
Say no more. The best man is on it.
Thanks, Ted.
So now the best man is painstakingly
handwriting 200 table cards...
...but my maid of honor forgot
to click "send" on an Evite.
I didn't forget to invite the girls
to your bachelorette party.
You have no girls.
What?
What?
What?
What? L... All my girls.
I gave you a list.
- This list?
- Yeah.
"Tall girl from work.
Mouth-breather from coffee shop.
Average-sized girl from that place."
Ooh, sorry I didn't track her down.
She sounds great.
She's actually kind of a bitch.
Face it, Robin, you hate women
and women hate you.
Ted didn't go to his prom? Classic.
TED: While Lily was dropping the ball
as maid of honor...
... the best man was busy
knocking it out of the park.
[HISSES]
Hey, buddy, listen.
My Great Aunt Ida has corns on her feet
and needs a first-floor room.
Uh, would you mind switching rooms...?
- Say no more. The best man is on it.
- Thanks, Ted.
[BOTH SHOUTING]
Hey, buddy, listen.
The wedding doves got here early
and I don't know where to put them...
- Say no more. The best man is on it.
- Thanks, Ted.
Poor guys.
All cooped up.
I guess there's no harm in letting you out
for a bit, huh?
They carpet-bombed my entire room.
I wish I'd closed my suitcase.
And my mouth.
Hey, buddy, listen.
I see you wrote "N-O-period"
instead of the number sign.
- That might confuse the guests...
- Say no more. The best man is on it.
Thanks, Ted.
Here they are, freshly penned table cards
in a pretty decent Chancery...
...considering I only had my travel quills.
Wait, why has the poker game started?
Oh, um, the best man moved the time.
- No, he didn't.
- Yes, he did.
Hey, Ted. Thanks for the sweet lid, bro.
Billy Zabka is your new best man?
He's the best around.
Sorry, Ted. Maybe next wedding.
You're playing the best man poker game
without me?
Tim Gunn's here and I'm not?
I'm Barney's personal tailor.
Of course I'm here.
Plus I've never played poker before.
It looks like a hoot.
I moved into a dungeon.
I wrote hundreds of cards.
I even gave your batty Great Aunt Ida
a foot massage so vigorous...
...it put her to sleep in the lobby.
Yeah, I don't really have a Great Aunt Ida.
So you are mad about me
and Robin holding hands.
Of course I'm mad, Ted.
Holding hands is like the fourth grade
equivalent of banging.
Well, in your case, 12th grade.
Self-five.
- You broke the Bro Code.
- No, I did not.
I only went to help Robin as a friend
because you didn't show up.
- I did not break the Bro Code.
- It's in the text:
"A bro shall not have a weird moment
with another bro's fianc?e."
Too bad we're in Farhampton
and can't actually check.
I'm pleased to announce the Bro Code
has replaced the Gideons' Bible...
...at select hotels throughout the country.
- I'm sorry I said you hate women.
- Don't be.
For whatever reason, I just...
I can't seem to connect with them. Down!
Can you help me? I've got a bunch more
wedding gifts in the van.
Yay, I love Robin so much.
God, I'm gonna strangle that bitch.
Robin, what is it with you and women?
Ugh. They're so annoying.
I'm glad that you're my
only female friend.
Girls are always whining
and crying over every little thing. Ugh.
[SOBBING]
Yes. Yes, exactly. Thank you.
"Boo-hoo, look at me.
I'm a sensitive little girl..."
I'm sorry, you're actually crying. Ugh.
It is just so sad.
I can't be your only girlfriend.
Well, I don't need anybody else.
I got you.
For another six days,
and then I'm off to Rome for a year.
What are you gonna do
without our Saturday morning brunch...
...with a side of sassy gossip?
A one-shot power play?
Hey, Boston,
why not drop your hockey pants...
...and actually take a dump on the ice
next time? Aah!
I love it. Ha, ha.
Ugh. See? It is just too horrible
to even think about.
- Yeah.
- You need another female friend.
Whenever I try to talk to women,
they look like they want to punch me.
Well, maybe you're accidentally giving off
the wrong vibe.
Like, what do you say to other women
at the gym?
Oh, I haven't been to the gym in forever.
My metabolism is all messed up.
See, I can moose down a pint
of fudge ripple for a midnight snack...
...and wake up having lost weight.
Well, everywhere except for my boobs.
So annoying.
You're gonna need a lot of work.
It's in here somewhere. It has to be.
Damn it. I should've done these
in alpha-bro-tical order.
Who cares about the Bro Code?
It's just some stupid book you made up.
[GASPS]
How dare you?
The Bro Code has been around
for centuries. Nay...
...whatever's more than centuries.
- Don't launch into a fake history lesson.
- The Bro Code can trace its lineage...
...all the way back to Broses himself.
Article 1: Bros before ho's.
Okay, I see what you're doing.
You can't prove I broke the Code,
so you're making up...
This sacred text was eventually brought
to the New World in 1776...
...by none other than
Christopher Brolumbus.
Article 62:
A bro who calls dibs first has dibs.
Oh? Dibs.
And that's why he got
to bang Pocahontas.
- Pocahontas was with John Smith.
- Maybe according to the hotel register.
Whatever Mrs. Brolumbus didn't know
couldn't hurt her, right?
Except maybe that New World syphilis,
but I digress.
Barney, if you believe in the Bro Code,
how come you've broken it so many times?
[GASPS]
How dare you?
I have never broken the Bro Code.
Hmm, hmm, ah!
"Article 104: The mom of a bro
is always off-limits."
Okay, look. We've all had a lot of fun
joking about me banging your mom.
Not all of us. Continue.
But I swear nothing ever happened
between the two of us.
- Trust me.
- Then what's going on with your fingers?
That's how our bodies were intertwined.
All right, this is ridiculous.
It's ridiculous you won't admit
holding Robin's hand was weird.
- It wasn't weird.
- Yes, it was.
You know what? We need a third,
impartial bro to settle this.
To resolve this, I really need to parse
the text of the Bro Code.
Too bad Marshall doesn't have a copy.
Actually, I do.
They were in the seat-back pockets
of my flight in place of the safety cards.
I'm also pleased to announce
the Bro Code is now available...
...in select airlines across the country.
And Lufthansa.
Der Bro Code is, like, huge in Germany.
Okay, so prove to me
you can make a female friend.
What about her?
Ugh. The girl with the bangs?
Any chick who does that to her hair
is going through a big life transition...
...I don't wanna hear about.
Next time grow your bangs long enough
to cover your mouth. Pass.
Okay, well, what about her?
ROBIN:
Ugh. Comfortable shoes?
Ha, ha. What, are you filibustering later?
It's after 5, put on some heels. Pass.
Okay, well, what about...?
- Ugh.
- I haven't even pointed to anyone yet.
Now, although not expressly stated
in the Bro Code...
... a weird moment between a bro
and his bro's fianc?e...
... is, in my bro-pinion, a violation.
- No.
- Yes.
However, Ted was helping Robin
as a friend.
Therefore holding her hand
isn't necessarily a weird moment.
- No.
- Yes.
That being said...
... if we decide that holding any friend's hand
is weird...
... then, yes, Ted did break the Bro Code.
So the question is this:
If Ted had gone to the park
and held Barney's hand...
... would it have been weird?
- Yes.
- No.
See?
It's not weird at all.
- I don't know what to say.
- Just be yourself. Say something nice.
Which one? I can't do both.
Heh. Slut alert.
That's my 14-year-old daughter.
Crappy mom alert. Ugh, it's you. Nice bangs.
- What is wrong with you?
- Look, I can't do this, okay?
I was raised as a boy.
I don't get along with women.
Can we just drop it?
Okay, I never thought I'd take a page
out of your fianc?'s playbook...
...but it's time to target the crying chick.
Not weird at all.
Marshall, why are we doing this?
Two dudes on a beach with a lifeless blob
they're pretending is alive?
It's stupid.
So I guess that means
Weekend at Bernie's is stupid too.
E- lawyered.
Now, before I can render a decision...
... we need to re-create the variables
at the carousel as closely as possible.
Since Ted says that he was comforting
Robin, he needs to do the same for Barney.
So, Ted, comfort Barney.
I don't see how that...
Comfort Barney.
Barney, what is going on with you?
Why are you so upset with me?
Marshall, this is stupid. I don't...
- Accept the comfort.
- Fine.
I guess I'm not really mad at you.
I'm mad at myself.
I should have met Robin at the carousel
when she called...
...but I was having such a good time
greasing 12-year-olds.
- Laser tag.
- Helpful. Continue.
Look, Ted, I'm sorry that
I've been taking it out on you.
You were just being a good friend
to Robin.
It's okay.
It would be different if you still had feelings
for her, but you don't, right?
Right?
[THUNDER CRASHING]
Okay, now it's weird.
You still have feelings for Robin?
What? What? What?
Wha...? Okay, yeah, sometimes I do.
- Then turn them off.
- I'd love to, but it doesn't work that way.
I'm a human being.
I don't have an off switch.
I'm shutting off.
There, there.
Sister.
Who needs a lady hug?
Ugh. What the hell are you doing?
- Wait, did you just ugh my hug?
- I don't need a hug.
I'm pissed off because the Rangers
just lost to the Boston Bruins.
[IN UNISON]
I hate the Boston Bruins.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
Look, I hate these feelings.
I hate myself for having these feelings.
No one wishes they would go away
more than I do.
But I just... I can't seem to make
that happen. I've tried.
Well, then try harder.
I'm marrying her in less than two days.
What the hell are we gonna
do about this?
TED: As she watched Robin make a new friend,
Lily was happy.
For two seconds.
- Oh, no.
- Come on, ref.
I haven't seen that much hooking go
unpunished since my last trip to Vegas.
And I was on that trip,
because we're best friends now.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
Hey, this might sound a little nutty.
But how about we inject a sexual edge
into our abiding friendship that...
BOTH: In no way jeopardizes our emotional
connection or respective marriages?
- Hell, no.
- Excuse me.
I've got a Boston brewing,
if you know what I mean.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You listen and you listen good.
If I see your face around Robin again...
...you'll be crying about a lot more
than your precious New York Rodgers.
- Rangers?
- I will cut you.
[GRUNTING]
Forgot my purse.
You know what?
That's why I only need you.
Because you're a psycho.
My psycho.
- I am, aren't I?
- Mm-hm.
[CHUCKLES]
- There's the blushing bride.
- Back off, Patrice!
Look, Barney, the truth is,
it was weird at the carousel.
On some level, it's probably been weird
ever since we broke up.
But you're my brother.
I would never do anything to hurt you. Ever.
I mean it. I swear.
I'll even swear it on the Bro Code.
- The Bro Code's stupid.
- Huh! How dare you?
I'd be honored.
I can't promise that I'll ever get to a place
where it won't be at least a little weird...
...between me and Robin.
But I don't want to lose you as a friend.
Either of you.
So I will do everything I can
to move on and live with it.
The question is, can you?
I'm sorry, Ted. I just can't do this.
I fold.
What about the best man?
I fold too.
I fold.
There goes my belly buster.
You sandbag all night only to bluff
a couple of rags pre-flop...
...and wind up with a dry board.
That's what you get for limping in
short-stacked with a pack of donkeys.
Muck city.
- I fold.
- Oh, right. I knew that.
I knew that, I knew that.
Okay, two players left.
- You're bluffing, robot man. I raise.
BARNEY: Oh.
Hey, Billy, do you mind pushing my chips
into the center of the pot?
Preferably with gusto, because I'm all in!
[ALL SHOUTING]
TED:
All right, all right.
[ALL SHOUTING]
TED: And that's how I became Barney's
best man again.
Everything was back to going off
without a hitch.
I'm coming for you, Mosby.
TED:
Okay, there was one slight hitch.
Ripped By mstoll
Barney and Robin's wedding...
... and everything was going off
without a hitch.
Ah. I've been waiting for the perfect time
for this. That time...
Ripped By mstoll
I saw you and Robin at the carousel.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
TED:
Okay, there was one slight hitch.
BARNEY: She called me to help her,
and there you were...
... in the rain, holding hands
with my fianc?e.
What up?
Nothing up.
Everything down. All parts of me down.
Look, you were busy...
...so I went to the park to help her look
for this locket she buried years ago.
She couldn't find it, she got upset,
I held her hand. End of story.
Cool. I just wanted to air that out,
you know, bro to bro.
You're my best friend and my best man.
Of course I trust you.
Oh, come on,
you don't have to cry about it.
[SOBBING]
It's not that.
That was a $600 bottle of Scotch.
Oh, my God.
[BOTH SOBBING]
I hope Marshall gets here
for the rehearsal dinner.
Thank you, Linus.
He's somewhere in Wisconsin
in a rental car.
- Hertz?
- I mean, it hurts a little...
...but I'm not gonna cry about it. Hey!
We've been doing that all afternoon.
ROBIN: Who's that for?
- Marshpillow.
TED: Kids, as you may recall,
whenever Marshall left town for a few days...
... Lily would compensate with a body pillow
she dressed up and named Marshpillow.
Pretty normal stuff.
But with Marshall stuck driving across
the country, Lily decided to upgrade.
Meet Marshpillow 2.0.
Yay.
Am I on?
- Hey, guys.
ALL: Hey, Marshall.
It's like you're really here.
Hey, Ted, can you give me a gander
of the environs?
Wow, this place looks beauti...
Wait for it.
He's frozen.
Same thing happened last night
at the worst possible time.
I had just gotten on all fours
and taken off my pantie...
Now Lily's frozen.
- Ful. This place is beautiful.
Wow, Lily, looks like you really put
some time into this, huh?
Though I wonder if instead of dressing up
your giant husband doll like Malibu Ken...
...you could have spent a minute or two,
I don't know...
...planning the weak-ass
bachelorette party you threw me.
It's possible I forgot to send out the Evite.
Robin, happy bachelorette party.
You invited Patrice
to my bachelorette party?
No.
You know, it's funny, when I was planning
Barney's bachelor party...
... I managed to wrangle his boyhood hero,
Billy Zabka from The Karate Kid.
But you scored Patrice.
I'm sorry, Robin. I've just been
so consumed with our move to Rome...
...I guess I forgot to invite the girls.
I'd like to show you how it's done.
Billy Zabka, what a great guy.
Look at how thorough Ted was...
...planning the poker game
he's throwing for Barney.
Wait, I think I'm on some sort of delay here.
Ahem. "Best Man" visor for the dealer.
Customized playing cards.
Barney's the king.
And the queens are naked.
It was my first decree.
Plus Ted handwrote all of the table cards
for the reception in calligraphy.
The man's a wizard with a pen.
Oh. Ha, ha. I don't know about all that.
Though I was approached
by the decorating committee...
...to make the signs for our senior prom.
I'm told they were quite the hit.
[HISSES]
Hey, buddy, listen, you're gonna kill me,
but I forgot to bring the table cards.
Uh, I'd hate to ask you to re-do them...
Say no more. The best man is on it.
Thanks, Ted.
So now the best man is painstakingly
handwriting 200 table cards...
...but my maid of honor forgot
to click "send" on an Evite.
I didn't forget to invite the girls
to your bachelorette party.
You have no girls.
What?
What?
What?
What? L... All my girls.
I gave you a list.
- This list?
- Yeah.
"Tall girl from work.
Mouth-breather from coffee shop.
Average-sized girl from that place."
Ooh, sorry I didn't track her down.
She sounds great.
She's actually kind of a bitch.
Face it, Robin, you hate women
and women hate you.
Ted didn't go to his prom? Classic.
TED: While Lily was dropping the ball
as maid of honor...
... the best man was busy
knocking it out of the park.
[HISSES]
Hey, buddy, listen.
My Great Aunt Ida has corns on her feet
and needs a first-floor room.
Uh, would you mind switching rooms...?
- Say no more. The best man is on it.
- Thanks, Ted.
[BOTH SHOUTING]
Hey, buddy, listen.
The wedding doves got here early
and I don't know where to put them...
- Say no more. The best man is on it.
- Thanks, Ted.
Poor guys.
All cooped up.
I guess there's no harm in letting you out
for a bit, huh?
They carpet-bombed my entire room.
I wish I'd closed my suitcase.
And my mouth.
Hey, buddy, listen.
I see you wrote "N-O-period"
instead of the number sign.
- That might confuse the guests...
- Say no more. The best man is on it.
Thanks, Ted.
Here they are, freshly penned table cards
in a pretty decent Chancery...
...considering I only had my travel quills.
Wait, why has the poker game started?
Oh, um, the best man moved the time.
- No, he didn't.
- Yes, he did.
Hey, Ted. Thanks for the sweet lid, bro.
Billy Zabka is your new best man?
He's the best around.
Sorry, Ted. Maybe next wedding.
You're playing the best man poker game
without me?
Tim Gunn's here and I'm not?
I'm Barney's personal tailor.
Of course I'm here.
Plus I've never played poker before.
It looks like a hoot.
I moved into a dungeon.
I wrote hundreds of cards.
I even gave your batty Great Aunt Ida
a foot massage so vigorous...
...it put her to sleep in the lobby.
Yeah, I don't really have a Great Aunt Ida.
So you are mad about me
and Robin holding hands.
Of course I'm mad, Ted.
Holding hands is like the fourth grade
equivalent of banging.
Well, in your case, 12th grade.
Self-five.
- You broke the Bro Code.
- No, I did not.
I only went to help Robin as a friend
because you didn't show up.
- I did not break the Bro Code.
- It's in the text:
"A bro shall not have a weird moment
with another bro's fianc?e."
Too bad we're in Farhampton
and can't actually check.
I'm pleased to announce the Bro Code
has replaced the Gideons' Bible...
...at select hotels throughout the country.
- I'm sorry I said you hate women.
- Don't be.
For whatever reason, I just...
I can't seem to connect with them. Down!
Can you help me? I've got a bunch more
wedding gifts in the van.
Yay, I love Robin so much.
God, I'm gonna strangle that bitch.
Robin, what is it with you and women?
Ugh. They're so annoying.
I'm glad that you're my
only female friend.
Girls are always whining
and crying over every little thing. Ugh.
[SOBBING]
Yes. Yes, exactly. Thank you.
"Boo-hoo, look at me.
I'm a sensitive little girl..."
I'm sorry, you're actually crying. Ugh.
It is just so sad.
I can't be your only girlfriend.
Well, I don't need anybody else.
I got you.
For another six days,
and then I'm off to Rome for a year.
What are you gonna do
without our Saturday morning brunch...
...with a side of sassy gossip?
A one-shot power play?
Hey, Boston,
why not drop your hockey pants...
...and actually take a dump on the ice
next time? Aah!
I love it. Ha, ha.
Ugh. See? It is just too horrible
to even think about.
- Yeah.
- You need another female friend.
Whenever I try to talk to women,
they look like they want to punch me.
Well, maybe you're accidentally giving off
the wrong vibe.
Like, what do you say to other women
at the gym?
Oh, I haven't been to the gym in forever.
My metabolism is all messed up.
See, I can moose down a pint
of fudge ripple for a midnight snack...
...and wake up having lost weight.
Well, everywhere except for my boobs.
So annoying.
You're gonna need a lot of work.
It's in here somewhere. It has to be.
Damn it. I should've done these
in alpha-bro-tical order.
Who cares about the Bro Code?
It's just some stupid book you made up.
[GASPS]
How dare you?
The Bro Code has been around
for centuries. Nay...
...whatever's more than centuries.
- Don't launch into a fake history lesson.
- The Bro Code can trace its lineage...
...all the way back to Broses himself.
Article 1: Bros before ho's.
Okay, I see what you're doing.
You can't prove I broke the Code,
so you're making up...
This sacred text was eventually brought
to the New World in 1776...
...by none other than
Christopher Brolumbus.
Article 62:
A bro who calls dibs first has dibs.
Oh? Dibs.
And that's why he got
to bang Pocahontas.
- Pocahontas was with John Smith.
- Maybe according to the hotel register.
Whatever Mrs. Brolumbus didn't know
couldn't hurt her, right?
Except maybe that New World syphilis,
but I digress.
Barney, if you believe in the Bro Code,
how come you've broken it so many times?
[GASPS]
How dare you?
I have never broken the Bro Code.
Hmm, hmm, ah!
"Article 104: The mom of a bro
is always off-limits."
Okay, look. We've all had a lot of fun
joking about me banging your mom.
Not all of us. Continue.
But I swear nothing ever happened
between the two of us.
- Trust me.
- Then what's going on with your fingers?
That's how our bodies were intertwined.
All right, this is ridiculous.
It's ridiculous you won't admit
holding Robin's hand was weird.
- It wasn't weird.
- Yes, it was.
You know what? We need a third,
impartial bro to settle this.
To resolve this, I really need to parse
the text of the Bro Code.
Too bad Marshall doesn't have a copy.
Actually, I do.
They were in the seat-back pockets
of my flight in place of the safety cards.
I'm also pleased to announce
the Bro Code is now available...
...in select airlines across the country.
And Lufthansa.
Der Bro Code is, like, huge in Germany.
Okay, so prove to me
you can make a female friend.
What about her?
Ugh. The girl with the bangs?
Any chick who does that to her hair
is going through a big life transition...
...I don't wanna hear about.
Next time grow your bangs long enough
to cover your mouth. Pass.
Okay, well, what about her?
ROBIN:
Ugh. Comfortable shoes?
Ha, ha. What, are you filibustering later?
It's after 5, put on some heels. Pass.
Okay, well, what about...?
- Ugh.
- I haven't even pointed to anyone yet.
Now, although not expressly stated
in the Bro Code...
... a weird moment between a bro
and his bro's fianc?e...
... is, in my bro-pinion, a violation.
- No.
- Yes.
However, Ted was helping Robin
as a friend.
Therefore holding her hand
isn't necessarily a weird moment.
- No.
- Yes.
That being said...
... if we decide that holding any friend's hand
is weird...
... then, yes, Ted did break the Bro Code.
So the question is this:
If Ted had gone to the park
and held Barney's hand...
... would it have been weird?
- Yes.
- No.
See?
It's not weird at all.
- I don't know what to say.
- Just be yourself. Say something nice.
Which one? I can't do both.
Heh. Slut alert.
That's my 14-year-old daughter.
Crappy mom alert. Ugh, it's you. Nice bangs.
- What is wrong with you?
- Look, I can't do this, okay?
I was raised as a boy.
I don't get along with women.
Can we just drop it?
Okay, I never thought I'd take a page
out of your fianc?'s playbook...
...but it's time to target the crying chick.
Not weird at all.
Marshall, why are we doing this?
Two dudes on a beach with a lifeless blob
they're pretending is alive?
It's stupid.
So I guess that means
Weekend at Bernie's is stupid too.
E- lawyered.
Now, before I can render a decision...
... we need to re-create the variables
at the carousel as closely as possible.
Since Ted says that he was comforting
Robin, he needs to do the same for Barney.
So, Ted, comfort Barney.
I don't see how that...
Comfort Barney.
Barney, what is going on with you?
Why are you so upset with me?
Marshall, this is stupid. I don't...
- Accept the comfort.
- Fine.
I guess I'm not really mad at you.
I'm mad at myself.
I should have met Robin at the carousel
when she called...
...but I was having such a good time
greasing 12-year-olds.
- Laser tag.
- Helpful. Continue.
Look, Ted, I'm sorry that
I've been taking it out on you.
You were just being a good friend
to Robin.
It's okay.
It would be different if you still had feelings
for her, but you don't, right?
Right?
[THUNDER CRASHING]
Okay, now it's weird.
You still have feelings for Robin?
What? What? What?
Wha...? Okay, yeah, sometimes I do.
- Then turn them off.
- I'd love to, but it doesn't work that way.
I'm a human being.
I don't have an off switch.
I'm shutting off.
There, there.
Sister.
Who needs a lady hug?
Ugh. What the hell are you doing?
- Wait, did you just ugh my hug?
- I don't need a hug.
I'm pissed off because the Rangers
just lost to the Boston Bruins.
[IN UNISON]
I hate the Boston Bruins.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
Look, I hate these feelings.
I hate myself for having these feelings.
No one wishes they would go away
more than I do.
But I just... I can't seem to make
that happen. I've tried.
Well, then try harder.
I'm marrying her in less than two days.
What the hell are we gonna
do about this?
TED: As she watched Robin make a new friend,
Lily was happy.
For two seconds.
- Oh, no.
- Come on, ref.
I haven't seen that much hooking go
unpunished since my last trip to Vegas.
And I was on that trip,
because we're best friends now.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
Hey, this might sound a little nutty.
But how about we inject a sexual edge
into our abiding friendship that...
BOTH: In no way jeopardizes our emotional
connection or respective marriages?
- Hell, no.
- Excuse me.
I've got a Boston brewing,
if you know what I mean.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You listen and you listen good.
If I see your face around Robin again...
...you'll be crying about a lot more
than your precious New York Rodgers.
- Rangers?
- I will cut you.
[GRUNTING]
Forgot my purse.
You know what?
That's why I only need you.
Because you're a psycho.
My psycho.
- I am, aren't I?
- Mm-hm.
[CHUCKLES]
- There's the blushing bride.
- Back off, Patrice!
Look, Barney, the truth is,
it was weird at the carousel.
On some level, it's probably been weird
ever since we broke up.
But you're my brother.
I would never do anything to hurt you. Ever.
I mean it. I swear.
I'll even swear it on the Bro Code.
- The Bro Code's stupid.
- Huh! How dare you?
I'd be honored.
I can't promise that I'll ever get to a place
where it won't be at least a little weird...
...between me and Robin.
But I don't want to lose you as a friend.
Either of you.
So I will do everything I can
to move on and live with it.
The question is, can you?
I'm sorry, Ted. I just can't do this.
I fold.
What about the best man?
I fold too.
I fold.
There goes my belly buster.
You sandbag all night only to bluff
a couple of rags pre-flop...
...and wind up with a dry board.
That's what you get for limping in
short-stacked with a pack of donkeys.
Muck city.
- I fold.
- Oh, right. I knew that.
I knew that, I knew that.
Okay, two players left.
- You're bluffing, robot man. I raise.
BARNEY: Oh.
Hey, Billy, do you mind pushing my chips
into the center of the pot?
Preferably with gusto, because I'm all in!
[ALL SHOUTING]
TED:
All right, all right.
[ALL SHOUTING]
TED: And that's how I became Barney's
best man again.
Everything was back to going off
without a hitch.
I'm coming for you, Mosby.
TED:
Okay, there was one slight hitch.
Ripped By mstoll