How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 9, Episode 3 - Last Time in New York - full transcript

So the hairdresser shows up at 2
on Sunday.

Great. And while you do that,
I'll check in on the ring bear.

I'm sorry,
you're saying "ring bearer," right?

- Ring bear.
- Look into my eyes and say:

"I promise that I'm not bringing
a dangerous wild animal to our wedding."

- Ha, ha.
- Hmm.

L...

[BUS BEEPING]

That's the shuttle
with our elderly relatives pulling up.

There's nine steps
between the bus and that door.

We've only got about 45 minutes
until they get inside.

We won't have a moment to ourselves...

...once those old bastards
latch onto us like leeches.

- But they're family and I love them.
- Ha, ha. Our living link to history.

Oh, God, this is gonna be rough.

My great-grandparents
never stop bickering.

But I guess that's what happens
when you've been married for 60 years.

Sixty years.

Man, when was the last time
you think they had sex?

Probably not since the Maple Leafs
won the Cup. Ha, ha.

1967.

That's not gonna be us, right?

Like, when we get married,
it's not all fighting, no sex?

What? No. Hey, it's us.
R-Train and B-Nasty.

- That will never happen.
- Heh.

[IN UNISON]
We have to have sex right now.

Oh.

TED:
Kids, as you recall...

... Uncle Marshall had gotten kicked off
his flight home from Minnesota...

... and was hightailing it
across the country...

... with another stranded traveler
named Daphne.

- How's it going, baby?
- Fine.

Except the flames of Lucifer
keep singeing our back bumper...

...as we drive through this hellish,
cheese-infested wasteland.

- Wisconsin?
- Wisconsin.

Packers Country.

But don't worry...

...the Eriksen men are repping
the purple and gold like two bosses.

Go Vikings!

- How are you doing, Daphne?
- Not bad...

...considering Marshall's been spouting
Vikings trivia for the last hour.

Do you know I Don't Care led the league
last year in dumb sports stuff?

I should be back in time
for the rehearsal dinner tomorrow.

Oh, the rehearsal dinner.

Daphne, you should've seen the dress
I was gonna wear.

Up top, it packed the gals together like
opening night of a Sex and the City movie.

And down south, it made mama look...

...like a dream Sir Mix-A-Lot
would never wanna wake up from.

Ooh! What happened to that dress?

[SCREAMING]

The drunks at the dry cleaners
destroyed it.

[SLURPS]

Thank you, Linus.

Okay, Lily, I have to go.

I have to alert the villagers
that there is a Viking amongst them.

[BLOWING HORN]

- Marshall's driving through Wisconsin?
- Yup.

Ooh, is that your toast?

- Uh, yeah.
- Yeah, I'm just gonna wing mine.

Because if you get up there
and speak from the heart...

...things good...

...mouth words...

...memory times.
Can I take a peek at your speech?

No, uh...

"Have a drink with my favorite students.

See one last sunset over the Hudson."

Ted, your speech sucks.

Well, it's no
"mouth words, memory times."

But if you must know, it's, uh...
It's not a speech.

What is it then?

TED: A week before the wedding, I realized
I couldn't stay in New York any longer.

So I decided to start fresh in Chicago.

It's a list of all the things I wanna do
before I leave New York.

Okay, I don't know which I hate more,
the fact that you're moving away...

...or the fact I'm the only one that knows
about it. Why won't you tell anyone?

You don't drop a bombshell like that
this close to a wedding.

That's an excuse. You have been avoiding
Barney and Robin since the carousel.

And now on Monday,
you're running away to Chicago.

I'm not running away. I'm moving on.

This list isn't written
by someone who's ready to move on.

It's written by someone
who loves New York.

I mean,
"Fix graffiti on 96th and Amsterdam"?

I hated looking at it.

"Buy the whole bar a round of drinks."

Hey, everyone, next round's on me!

[ALL CHEERING]

ALL: Ted, Ted, Ted.
- Yeah. Come on.

Ted...

Hey, everyone. Next round's on me.

- Can I have a double bourbon...?
- No doubles.

"Say goodbye
to the Empire State Building."

Bro.

What? Sometimes I go...

...talk to her about life.

And I just hate the thought of leaving you,
Empy...

...but my gut tells me
my future's in Chicago.

What do you think?

MAN:
You need to move.

Oh, my God. Really? Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

You can't just stand there
talking to a building and petting it.

Wait, are you one of those freaks
who's sexually attracted to buildings?

An objectophiliac? No way.

Then why do you know
what they're called?

Why do you know what they're called?

Wait. You know what would prove
we're not some old married couple?

- Doing it somewhere we're not supposed to.
- Huh!

Not what I mean.
Like the elevator or the pool cabana.

- Uh, how about the roof?
- Oh.

MORT:
Who gets married this far away?

MURIEL:
And the humidity.

[IN UNISON]
They're here.

What do you say we make this bang
a home game?

- We're locked out.
- I guess we could try the back door.

- Huh!
- Of our suite. There's a back door.

No, I locked it.

It's fine, we'll race down to the front desk
and get a key before anyone notices us.

Too late. It's like we're in a zombie movie.

Seriously. They move at a slow shuffle,
they moan a lot...

...and if given the chance,
they chew your ear off.

- But they're family and I love them.
- Their wisdom is priceless.

"Finally tell my upstairs neighbor
how I've been feeling all this time."

Yeah.

Hi. Um, I live downstairs,
and I've always wanted to say this to you...

...but I've never had the guts.
And so here goes.

Are your shoes made of lead?

Because you are the loudest
upstairs neighbor in history.

Oh, and you suck at the bongos,
but, hey, heh, keep practicing.

In the middle of the night before
any important interview I've ever had.

"Come clean about April 26th."

What happened April 26th?

Uh, ha, ha...

Can you believe
people used to swim in those?

"Meet me at Coney Island, see.

I'll be doing the Charleston
atop my giant-wheeled bicycle...

...in an era where folks
inexplicably talked like this." Ha, ha.

Ted.

- Oh. Hey.
- Hey, bud.

I was about to take Lily's
rehearsal dinner dress to the dry cleaner.

Oh, that's too bad.

Because, uh, I was just watching
The Princess Bride...

...when something occurred to me.

How, at the end, Andre the Giant
hooks them up with those horses...

...and then Inigo Montoya is like,
"Fezzik, you did something right."

And it's like, bro, Andre's been
doing stuff right the whole movie.

Knocking out serpents,
busting down castle doors.

Basically carrying your
revenge-and-sangria-soaked ass.

So instead of being a patronizing jerk,
how about a simple:

"Hey, thanks for the horses, bro"?

That's totally what you were thinking,
right?

No, l... No, I came over here...
God, that's a really good point.

- Yeah.
- But here's my point...

...and your point.

Why haven't we done this in forever?

Ted, you know damn well
why we haven't.

[ALL SHOUTING]

[IN UNISON]
Sorry, Lily.

I almost killed my wife, Ted.

I almost killed my wife. I almost...

[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya."

[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
"You killed my father."

BOTH:
"Prepare to die."

[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
You son of a bitch.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I loved that dress you cut in half.

It was the perfect combination
of slutty and classy.

- Well, what about your backup dress?
- Oh, it's just classy, Ted.

[SLURPS]

Thank you, Linus.

- Look, I'm really sorry.
- No, it's not good enough.

Since I'm being forced
to wear something I don't want to...

...you should have to wear something
you don't want to.

Why am I the only one being punished?

Marshall's just as responsible as I am.

Yeah, but he's in the middle of Wisconsin.
How am I gonna punish...?

DAPHNE:
Say, "Cheese."

[POLKA MUSIC PLAYING]

Go, Pack, go.

I'm sorry, Dad.

- There's gotta be someplace to bang here.
- I'm starving. We should've hit the buffet...

Don't say "buffet."
That attracts old people.

Same goes for "coupon," "60 Minutes,"
and "Mandy Patinkin."

What? Robin, you're being paranoid.

Old people don't magically sense it
when you say "Mandy Patinkin."

[ECHOING]
Patinkin.

Oh, quick, the ice-machine room.

- It's too cold for them in there.
- Oh.

I'll protect you, Robin.

You'll always be safe with me.

- Aah! Take her.
- What...?

You bitches best get out
of my hiding spot.

Well, the only thing not checked-off
on this list is "Scotch with Barney."

That's the easiest one on here.

You are avoiding him.

I'm not. We've both been busy.

Besides, Marshall and I are
saving that Scotch...

...to have a drink with Barney
before the rehearsal dinner.

Because it's not just any bottle...

...it's a $600 Glen McKenna 30-Year.

TED:
What I didn't know at the time was:

I told those idiots
these death-rods are not welcome here.

What is it with dudes and swords?

- This is fun.
- Oh, yeah.

And it's so cool when I go like this:

[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
Hi. My name is Rodrigo DeGoya.

You killed someone I love.
Prepare to dance.

TED: Yes, kids, that's what your Aunt Lily
thought the line was.

[BOTH GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

[BOTH GASPING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] We'll switch it
with this cheap bottle of whiskey.

- You peel the label off the Glen McKenna.
- On it.

Then we'll pour the... Robin.

Damn, that's smooth.

Pour it into the other bottle.

[SIGHS]

Wait, the colors aren't dark enough.

- Still not right. I think it was a little redder.
- Mm-hm.

Okay, now the consistency's off.

[SIGHS]

Ehh.

Looks good.

I mean, look at that color.

It's almost chocolaty in its richness...

...with a reddish hue...

...and something that looks
sort of clumpy.

Oh, yeah, I read about that.

Isn't the Highland region known
for its clumps?

Thanks, Lily.
I'm very aware of the Highland clumps.

Know what?
Think I'm gonna sneak a taste.

What? But Marshall's not even here yet.

Ah. A quick nip won't hurt.

[CHUCKLES]

She's breathtaking.

- You avoiding the family too?
- I'm gay, I'm black...

...and I'm getting a divorce.
Those walking skeletons are gonna have...

...more questions for me
than their pharmacists. Ha, ha.

But they're family and I love them.

- The greatest generation.
- Smother me before I'm that age.

What are you two doing?

- We're trying to do it someplace naughty.
- Huh!

Not what I mean.
That is never what I mean.

We're trying to sneak in one last bang...

...because we're afraid that the magic
might fade after we get married.

Are we being crazy?

That is what happened with me and Tom.

But it doesn't mean
it's gonna happen to you.

I won't let it.

Wait, wait, you can't go out there.

It's suicide.

Consider it your early wedding gift.

Why does the brother always die first?

Aunt Muriel.

Aunt Muriel.

Aunt Muriel.

- James.
- Where's Tom?

I have a gay question for you.

How do you decide which one?

- No, no, no.
- No!

- He's gone, Barney. He's gone.
- No, James.

You check the second floor
for open rooms.

- I'm gonna check the gym.
- No, no, no, that gym has a sauna.

My Papa Sid can't go 10 minutes
without a schvitz.

- What about the gazebo out back?
- Next to the lawn-bowling court?

Get you head out of your ass. It looks like
they're casting Cocoon 3 out there.

- What about the business center?
- A room full of computers? Perfect.

Technology is their
compression-sock-covered Achilles' heel.

[BOTH GROANING]

- Stay safe, R-Train.
- You too, B-Nasty.

Oh, my. I found Waldo.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What's this list?

Whose is this?

TED:
I was faced with a tough call.

Come clean about Chicago,
or cleverly lie my way out of it.

Oh. Well, you see,
mouth words, memory times.

It's mine. It's my list.

- It's everything I wanna do before I go to Italy.
- Oh.

You wanna say goodbye
to the Empire State Building?

Sometimes I go and I talk to Empy.

- That's kind of weird.
- Is "weird" the right word?

Seems pretty reasonable to me.
Maybe even kind of cool.

"Have a drink with my favorite students."

- Lily, you taught kindergarten.
- That does seem pretty irrespons...

"Come clean about April 26th."

You told Ted about our sword fight?

- Wait, you guys had a sword fight?
- Maybe a tiny one.

I was pretending to be Mandy Patinkin.

[ECHOING]
Patinkin.

- But it was no big deal.
- No big deal?

We destroyed
their 30-year Glen McKenna...

...and replaced it with cheap booze,
ketchup, and hand sani.

- I knew it.
- You knew nothing.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
- The third floor's a ghost town.

Tons of empty rooms to bang in. Hurry,
I've started without you. I mean, I love you.

I gotta go. Bye.

- We made it.
- Ha, ha.

[BOTH MOANING]

Remind me to put a $5 bill
in Barney's wedding card.

You know, to get them started.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

MAN: No, Elizabeth. Leave the dentures in.
ELIZABETH: Mm.

[IN UNISON]
I never wanna have sex again.

Oh.

Blah.

They broke our $600 bottle of scotch?

Well, I'm not wearing
this abomination anymore.

[POLKA MUSIC STOPS]

Put it back on.

[POLKA MUSIC PLAYING]

I can't believe my great-grandparents
still do that.

I never imagined a walker being used
for anything other than walking.

Plus, how about those balls
dragging all over the ground?

- Barney.
- No, the tennis balls...

...on the bottom of the walker.

Plus, his testicles were swinging
like a broken yo-yo.

Still, when you think about it...

...married for 60 years and they still wanna
jump each other's bones.

I mean, it's kind of sweet.

In 60 years, that'll be us, right?

Yeah. It will.

[CHUCKLES]

So, what do you think? Hmm?
On the count of three?

- Mm. Okay.
- Okay.

[IN UNISON]
One, two, three.

Mandy Patinkin.

- Look at you.
- Thank you for making it.

We got lucky.

The Farhampton liquor store
is actually pretty high-end.

And their security's a total joke.

Thanks.

And thanks for not telling Robin
the list was mine.

But I don't get it.
You're so against me moving...

...why'd you help me out?

For a guy who loves New York this much,
to leave it...

...you must really need to go, huh?

Yeah. I really do.

Okay.

But there's still one item left on this list.

- Time to check it off.
- Yeah, I should probably wait for Marshall.

Well, we both know
he may not get here in time.

Be honest.

Have you been avoiding Barney?

Maybe a little.

This is the biggest weekend of his life
and you're his best bro.

No matter how awkward you feel...

...if you're not there for him,
you will always regret it.

- Hey, Ted?
- Yeah?

You wrote down all these things
to say goodbye to...

...but so many of them are good things.

Why not just say goodbye
to the bad things?

Say goodbye to all the times you felt lost.

To all the times it was a "no"
instead of a "yes."

To all the scrapes and bruises.

To all the heartache.

Say goodbye to everything you really want
to do for the last time.

But don't go have one last Scotch
with Barney.

Have the first Scotch
toasting Barney's new life.

Because that's a good thing...

...and the good things
will always be here waiting for you.

- What?
- Turn the page.

"Get one last life lecture from Lily."

You're dreaming
if you think that's the last one of those.

[SIGHS]

Ah. Been waiting
for the perfect time for this.

- And, my friend, that time is...
- I saw you and Robin at the carousel.

[GLASS SHATTERS]