How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 9, Episode 18 - Rally - full transcript
On their wedding day, Barney has a massive hangover. The gang tries to help him get over the hangover by finding the correct ingredients.
[CORK POPS]
- Whoa, sorry. Sorry.
- Oh, my God.
You know there is gonna be
champagne at this party?
I know, but we're gonna get there
and it'll be...
...everyone congratulating you
on your book, saying:
"This is a revelation.
You're gonna end poverty in our time.
This is the greatest book
anyone's ever written."
- You're the only one that says that.
- Well, it's true.
So before I lose you
to your adoring public...
...I just want to take a moment,
you and I, to celebrate...
...the best year of our lives.
- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.
TED:
Mm.
- We go big tonight.
- Easy there, buddy.
We're old people, remember?
We haven't gone
medium-sized in forever.
And I cannot
carry you home in this dress.
Sweetie, relax. I got this.
Yeah, right. I can see your whole future.
You are gonna be
so hungover tomorrow.
I'm gonna be fine.
I made a vow, remember?
TED:
Kids, the story behind that vow...
... took place the morning of
Barney and Robin's wedding.
You see, after drinking
way too much the night before...
... this is all Uncle Barney remembers from
the first two hours of his wedding day:
[GASPS]
[ROARS]
And that's it. Now, here's how the
rest of us remember those two hours:
ROBIN:
Found him.
You know, he looks better
than I thought he would.
Rise and shine.
Up and at them, let's do this.
There's a gas leak.
The building's on fire.
Your shoes don't match your belt.
[GRUNTING]
[IN UNISON]
Uh-oh.
Okay, I think my fianc?
peed himself a little. Aw...
Tomorrow I'm gonna be able to say
my husband peed himself a little.
- Don't worry, I spilled some iced tea on him.
- Oh, thank God.
[WHISPERS]
I didn't really spill some iced tea on him.
Oh, God, this is bad.
We're doing family wedding pictures
at the lighthouse in two hours.
My father is paying for it.
He'll kill him if he doesn't show up.
Come on, your dad's tough, but won't
he understand an old-fashioned hangover?
My father's recipe for a Bloody Mary
trades out tomato juice for wolf's blood.
ALL:
Ooh.
Bloody Mary?
Sounds more like a Bloody Scary.
I say again. Bloody Mary? Sounds...
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Uh, hold on, you guys are forgetting...
...Barney Stinson has a super power.
He can't take a bad photo.
[BARNEY GRUNTS]
Okay, here. Watch.
Guys, Barney may be dead.
That's it. We are all now seriously
too old to keep doing this to ourselves.
I vow here and now that I shall
never again get that drunk in my life.
TED:
Yeah, he'd wind up breaking that vow.
And I will not break that vow, as sure as
I will always have a full head of hair.
NEWS ANCHOR [ON TV]: In other elections
today, in the race for New York State...
... Supreme Court, Judge Brad Morris...
Oh, oh! Just look at him. Oh, I would
love to rub that down. Ahem. Sorry.
- Has increased his sizable lead
over Judge Marshall Eriksen.
It was supposed to be a victory party.
You ran a great campaign, baby.
Yeah, but it was the most stressful
three weeks of my life.
And in other results,
a surprise comeback.
We're ready to call the
New York State Supreme Court race...
... for Judge Marshall Eriksen.
[ALL CHEERING]
We'll go to Judge Eriksen for
a live statement in just a few minutes.
Come again for Judge Fudge?
- As your next commissioner...
- State Supreme Court Judge.
...of Gotham City...
- The State of New York.
...I vow to make Batman work harder.
I say shine that Bat-Signal
even for small stuff...
...like, uh, shoveling snow...
...or like, uh, if a police horse
dumps out in the park.
Okay, that will be all
at this time, thank you.
- That's all.
- Okay. Good night.
Never again. I vow it.
I'm more worried about taking vows
with this pile of garbage in a few hours.
- What do we do?
- You guys see the irony here?
The only person who could possibly
get Barney back on his feet is Barney.
TED: See, over the years, we'd all come
to experience something Barney called:
Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir.
The most effective post-bender-head's-
too-tender-ender from here to Denver.
- What's in it?
- Glad you asked.
- Columbia University, 1941.
- I take it back.
BARNEY:
President Franklin D. Roosevelt...
... who is most famous
for being a world-class drunk...
... commissioned a top-secret project:
Develop an elixir to cure
the common hangover.
And what brilliant scientific mind
did boozy old FDR...
...pick to head up this historic task?
- My head hurts. Let's just speed this along.
You're clearly ripping off the story
of the Manhattan Project...
...which was run by
Dr. Robert Oppenheimer...
...so I'm gonna guess
it was your distant relative...
...Barnert Stinsonheimer?
Somebody's read their history books.
The Too Many Manhattans Project
hit a few snags at first.
The first batch exploded,
which sounded kind of like this:
- Boom!
- Oh, you suck.
Just let me finish.
But the second batch...
... sadly also exploded.
- Boom!
- Oh! Why are you here right now?
- Do you want to hear the story?
- No. Please leave.
After some trial and error,
Dr. Stinsonheimer...
... finally found the magic formula.
Hang on. Funyuns? Tantrum soda?
- Sure.
- In 1941?
Sure. They haven't made new Tantrum
since then, it lasts a while.
Anyway, the elixir was such a success...
... he was awarded the Bro-Bel Prize.
True story.
- Boom!
- Why?
- That time I was just messing with you.
- Just give me the stupid drink.
[GRUNTS]
TED:
And the craziest part was...
I feel better.
Over the years, each of us would discover
that Barney's elixir actually worked.
- Like way better.
- What's in this thing again?
Stinson family secret.
You told me most of
the ingredients in your story.
- Just tell me the secret one.
- Ha! I'll never tell you.
I'll take it with me to my grave.
Damn it, Barney, why are you always
so selfish? We are trying to help you.
Okay, we have to get this leaky barf bag
back on his feet before the wedding pictures.
We know what Barney would want to do.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Say cheese.
ALL: Cheese.
No, we are not doing
Weekend at Barney's.
But that's the dream.
I can't believe I just said that.
- Someone suggest something useful.
- Here's the plan.
Marshall, you and Ted go gather
the ingredients we do know.
Robin, you wake up Barney long enough
to find out the secret ingredient.
And I'll race down to the spa
to keep my 8:15 mani and pedi.
- Okay, let's do this.
- Bitch...
...walk out that door
and Zabka is my maid of honor.
Okay, let's start simple:
Fresh ocean air.
- Come on, baby.
BOTH: Come on, honey.
ROBIN: Come on, love. Yeah.
- Baby.
All right, I'll get the elevator.
Oh, I should get some water.
[LILY & ROBIN GRUNT]
Okay. So accidentally throwing Barney
down the stairs did not wake him up.
Nor did banging his head on each step
as we dragged him back up here.
So how do we wake him up long enough
to tell us the final ingredient?
When my sister and I
had trouble getting up for school...
...my dad had a few cute tricks.
[BEAR ROARING]
I'll do it! I swear to God I'll do it!
Your dad used to do this to you?
With a Cabbage Patch doll
and ax, but same idea.
Trust me, I was never late
for kindergarten again.
What? Come on.
[GRUNTING]
Ugh. I second Marshall's vow.
I will never ever get that drunk again.
TED:
Yeah, she would.
My baby boy's in college.
Did you pack enough undies?
Yes, Mom. Shh.
Your father did a lot of puking
in these hallowed halls...
...from binge studying. Saved it.
That reminds me, mister,
no underage drinking.
No good comes from
hanging out in bars and getting drunk.
But every story
from your 20's starts in a bar.
- Listen to your mother.
- Aw... What are we gonna do...
...without you in the house?
LILY:
We got him out of the house. Drink up.
Mm. Whoo!
Oh, boy.
- You son of a bitch.
- You son of a me.
All right, we got most of the ingredients
on our list: Ginger, bananas, Funyuns.
I can't believe that mini-mart sold Tantrum.
It's been discontinued for years.
- Uh, hey, ahem, will you toss me that bottle?
- Yeah, we haven't done this forever.
Dude, you're a grown man,
why are you throwing a Tantrum?
- Nice.
- So awesome.
- So awesome.
- Okay, there's one more item on the list...
...and it's an odd one.
- Grease?
- Grease.
At the Farhampton Inn,
we don't cook with grease.
Our menu is organic, farm-to-table,
locally grown. No "grease."
Sir, I am from Minnesota...
...where every meal is cooked with grease
and my father dubbed it:
"The tastiest eats in the whole
gosh darn world," so...
And how is your father's health?
Point is, it tastes really good.
Also, we need it to help a friend...
...recover from a hangover.
- Wait a second...
...there's bacon right here.
And where there's bacon...
...there's bacon grease.
- Which we throw out.
We aren't making any more bacon today.
Not unless it all somehow gets eaten
in the 10 minutes before breakfast is over.
No, no, no. Ted, do not give me that look.
A mountain of food, a ticking clock?
Come on, you live for this stuff.
No, I'm not a wild animal.
I'm a Columbia-educated lawyer,
poised to become ajudge before age 35.
And remind me, how did you
celebrate getting accepted into Columbia?
You eat one 8-pound block of fudge
in 12 minutes and you're marked for life.
You're not marked for life, Big Fudge.
I'm out, okay? You eat the bacon.
You know I can't, I'm allergic.
Ted, I've been trying to tell you for years,
your bacon allergy is a lie...
...your mother made up
so you'd eat healthy.
No, I'm just allergic to a lot of stuff.
Bacon, donuts, Halloween candy...
...not saying "thank you."
Oh, my God, that bitch lied to me.
Okay, I'll do it.
But, look, I don't even know
if I'll like bacon.
[SNIFFS]
What do you think?
I have seen the face of God.
Okay, there is one thing
we haven't tried yet:
Making out with each other.
- You really think that will wake him up?
- Wake up who now?
[BARNEY GRUNTING]
Ugh. Look at this soggy bag of snot.
That's it, I am joining Marshall's vow.
I am never, ever
getting that drunk again.
TED:
Kids, you see where this is going.
Did last night really happen?
I think so.
Look, let's just agree:
Absolute silence for the rest of the day.
[BABY CRYING]
- Oh...
- Ha-ha-ha. Every time. You want me to get her?
No, I got her.
Come here. Yeah, I know, I know.
Shh, shh, shh. Shh.
- Hey, Barney?
- Yeah?
Whose baby is this?
[IN SPANISH]
[ALL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
[BABY CRYING]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
How could you, Mom?
You had the map to heaven
and you never showed me the way.
May you rot in the bacon-less hell
that I've lived in my entire life.
- They crisp it up real nice here, don't they?
- Mm-hm.
What is that? Applewood smoked?
Ted, you've been going at it real hard...
...why don't you take a breather
and I'll drive us home?
[SNARLS]
- Well, congratulations. Here's your grease.
TED: Mm.
- No. I don't want to lose a finger.
TED: Mm. Mm.
- Here.
- All right, Ted, let's go.
No. No.
I finally found the one, Marshall.
Her name is Bacon.
You know, this would go great
on one of my mom's LT sandwiches.
- Okay, buddy, you gotta take it easy.
- Never!
I've got a lifetime
without bacon to make up for.
I will keep eating and eating and eating...
Oh, God, help me, I'm going down.
TED: And that's the first
and last time I ever ate bacon.
He's not waking up. I'm out of ideas.
We've tried everything.
Not everything.
Lily Aldrin, let's make out.
[GASPS]
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, baby. I'm sure.
Um...
Okay, well, you know what? I mean...
...it probably won't even work.
It's stupid, I'm stupid.
Shh, shh, shh.
You're beautiful.
Come here.
[BARNEY GASPS]
More, more, more.
Whoa, he's awake. How'd you do it?
- Nothing special.
- Hydration, patience.
Quick, before he passes out again.
Barney...
...what's the secret ingredient
in Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir?
Come on, stay with us.
The secret ingredient is...
...nothing.
ALL: Huh?
I ate too much bacon.
Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir...
...is a lie. That's the secret.
You know, I could use
a little lie-down myself.
So Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir
is a lie?
- Why would you lie about that?
- Just to mess with us?
Like that jerk in high school
who brings fake mushrooms...
...to see who's gullible enough to trip?
- Damn you, OIlie Gunderson.
I knew those shrooms
tasted like Sea-Monkeys.
- How do you know what they taste like?
- My older brothers are not...
...the best people.
- Why did you lie?
I love you guys.
He loves us?
- Let's throw him down the stairs again.
TED & MARSHALL: Yeah.
Wait, think. The first time
Barney gave us that drink...
...those hangovers all happened
at the worst possible moments.
Remember? Marshall thought
he botched the bar exam...
... so he freaked out and got wasted?
Now I'm gonna miss the last day
of the bar. I'll never be a lawyer.
I should just go back to
being a manager at Structure.
That "10 percent off all vests" sale?
That was my idea.
As was cutting the arms off the shirts
that weren't selling. That's where I belong.
No, Marshall, you're gonna be a lawyer.
- Ugh. No, I can't do it.
- Yes, you can.
Your first day back, live on the air,
is gonna be legen... Wait for it.
- Dary. Your kindergarten field trip to the
Jackhammer and Siren Museum today...
...is gonna be legendary.
No, it's not.
Nothing's ever gonna be legendary again,
I'm never gonna recover from this.
- It's just a hangover, Ted.
- Not that.
I got left at the altar, Barney.
I'm now a guy who got left at the altar.
There's no coming back from that.
Drink this. You're gonna be okay.
Barney made up the Stinson's
Hangover Fixer Elixir so we would all...
...believe that we could rally.
Even though it's fake, it worked.
- Like Dumbo's feather.
- Dum-bro's feather.
- A placebo.
- Place-bro.
A sugar pill.
[GRUNTS]
He lied so we'd be okay.
Barney does love us.
I wish we could help him out
the way he helped us.
- But the wedding photos are in 20 minutes.
- My dad's gonna be so pissed.
Yep, Barney's a dead man.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
Barney, you were always a bit...
...chatty and blond for my taste.
You're like a woman.
But this new side of you...
...quiet, steady, I like it.
You've earned my respect today, son.
- I request the highest of fives.
- Oh, no.
Stay cool, we got this.
[CHUCKLES]
BARNEY:
I don't believe this.
You did Weekend at Barney's and it worked.
God, today's gonna be
all downhill from here.
- That's what the bride wants to hear.
- Ha, ha. No, that's not what I meant.
I just mean Weekend at Barney's
is way more amazing...
...than our wedding could be.
I'm gonna get more coffee.
I can't wait to see the photos.
Well, he bought it.
We lied out of love.
Look how happy he is.
He has no idea we had to
cancel the photos...
...and my dad came up
and kicked Barney in the crotch.
And the best part is,
your dad has no idea.
He still loves me.
Hey, do anyone else's balls hurt?
And some good came out of this,
seeing you like that...
...we all vowed never
to get that drunk again.
Well, actually, I didn't, but I will now.
- Never again.
ALL: Never again.
TED:
Kids, no matter how hard we try...
... even the best of us
go a little too wild sometimes.
And in those moments, we all need
someone who loves us to help us rally.
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
- [WHISPERS] Happy New Year.
- Okay, that was way too loud.
You're practically screaming.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] What you need
is Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir.
TED:
Even if that means lying once in a while.
- Does it work?
- Totally works.
[GAGS]
It's normal. It's totally normal.
- I love you so much.
- I love you too.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Oop, oop. Better drink it fast.
BOTH: Mommy!
- Hey, look who it is! Get her!
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Heh. I can't believe
we kissed today. Weird. Heh.
I feel kind of bad
that Ted and Marshall missed it.
Hey, we should kiss one more time
in front of them...
...just to, like, blow their minds, right?
- No, I don't think so.
- Exactly. Totally. Ha, ha.
"Ha, ha, guys, you don't get to
see this kiss either." Ha-ha-ha.
So where should we go?
Closet? Patio? Ooh, I think the sauna's open.
Well, actually...
...to be honest,
it felt kind of weird to me.
- Once was enough.
- Totally.
We could kiss, we could not kiss.
We could kiss, doesn't matter to me.
It's stupid. I'm stupid.
So stupid.
- Whoa, sorry. Sorry.
- Oh, my God.
You know there is gonna be
champagne at this party?
I know, but we're gonna get there
and it'll be...
...everyone congratulating you
on your book, saying:
"This is a revelation.
You're gonna end poverty in our time.
This is the greatest book
anyone's ever written."
- You're the only one that says that.
- Well, it's true.
So before I lose you
to your adoring public...
...I just want to take a moment,
you and I, to celebrate...
...the best year of our lives.
- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.
TED:
Mm.
- We go big tonight.
- Easy there, buddy.
We're old people, remember?
We haven't gone
medium-sized in forever.
And I cannot
carry you home in this dress.
Sweetie, relax. I got this.
Yeah, right. I can see your whole future.
You are gonna be
so hungover tomorrow.
I'm gonna be fine.
I made a vow, remember?
TED:
Kids, the story behind that vow...
... took place the morning of
Barney and Robin's wedding.
You see, after drinking
way too much the night before...
... this is all Uncle Barney remembers from
the first two hours of his wedding day:
[GASPS]
[ROARS]
And that's it. Now, here's how the
rest of us remember those two hours:
ROBIN:
Found him.
You know, he looks better
than I thought he would.
Rise and shine.
Up and at them, let's do this.
There's a gas leak.
The building's on fire.
Your shoes don't match your belt.
[GRUNTING]
[IN UNISON]
Uh-oh.
Okay, I think my fianc?
peed himself a little. Aw...
Tomorrow I'm gonna be able to say
my husband peed himself a little.
- Don't worry, I spilled some iced tea on him.
- Oh, thank God.
[WHISPERS]
I didn't really spill some iced tea on him.
Oh, God, this is bad.
We're doing family wedding pictures
at the lighthouse in two hours.
My father is paying for it.
He'll kill him if he doesn't show up.
Come on, your dad's tough, but won't
he understand an old-fashioned hangover?
My father's recipe for a Bloody Mary
trades out tomato juice for wolf's blood.
ALL:
Ooh.
Bloody Mary?
Sounds more like a Bloody Scary.
I say again. Bloody Mary? Sounds...
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Uh, hold on, you guys are forgetting...
...Barney Stinson has a super power.
He can't take a bad photo.
[BARNEY GRUNTS]
Okay, here. Watch.
Guys, Barney may be dead.
That's it. We are all now seriously
too old to keep doing this to ourselves.
I vow here and now that I shall
never again get that drunk in my life.
TED:
Yeah, he'd wind up breaking that vow.
And I will not break that vow, as sure as
I will always have a full head of hair.
NEWS ANCHOR [ON TV]: In other elections
today, in the race for New York State...
... Supreme Court, Judge Brad Morris...
Oh, oh! Just look at him. Oh, I would
love to rub that down. Ahem. Sorry.
- Has increased his sizable lead
over Judge Marshall Eriksen.
It was supposed to be a victory party.
You ran a great campaign, baby.
Yeah, but it was the most stressful
three weeks of my life.
And in other results,
a surprise comeback.
We're ready to call the
New York State Supreme Court race...
... for Judge Marshall Eriksen.
[ALL CHEERING]
We'll go to Judge Eriksen for
a live statement in just a few minutes.
Come again for Judge Fudge?
- As your next commissioner...
- State Supreme Court Judge.
...of Gotham City...
- The State of New York.
...I vow to make Batman work harder.
I say shine that Bat-Signal
even for small stuff...
...like, uh, shoveling snow...
...or like, uh, if a police horse
dumps out in the park.
Okay, that will be all
at this time, thank you.
- That's all.
- Okay. Good night.
Never again. I vow it.
I'm more worried about taking vows
with this pile of garbage in a few hours.
- What do we do?
- You guys see the irony here?
The only person who could possibly
get Barney back on his feet is Barney.
TED: See, over the years, we'd all come
to experience something Barney called:
Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir.
The most effective post-bender-head's-
too-tender-ender from here to Denver.
- What's in it?
- Glad you asked.
- Columbia University, 1941.
- I take it back.
BARNEY:
President Franklin D. Roosevelt...
... who is most famous
for being a world-class drunk...
... commissioned a top-secret project:
Develop an elixir to cure
the common hangover.
And what brilliant scientific mind
did boozy old FDR...
...pick to head up this historic task?
- My head hurts. Let's just speed this along.
You're clearly ripping off the story
of the Manhattan Project...
...which was run by
Dr. Robert Oppenheimer...
...so I'm gonna guess
it was your distant relative...
...Barnert Stinsonheimer?
Somebody's read their history books.
The Too Many Manhattans Project
hit a few snags at first.
The first batch exploded,
which sounded kind of like this:
- Boom!
- Oh, you suck.
Just let me finish.
But the second batch...
... sadly also exploded.
- Boom!
- Oh! Why are you here right now?
- Do you want to hear the story?
- No. Please leave.
After some trial and error,
Dr. Stinsonheimer...
... finally found the magic formula.
Hang on. Funyuns? Tantrum soda?
- Sure.
- In 1941?
Sure. They haven't made new Tantrum
since then, it lasts a while.
Anyway, the elixir was such a success...
... he was awarded the Bro-Bel Prize.
True story.
- Boom!
- Why?
- That time I was just messing with you.
- Just give me the stupid drink.
[GRUNTS]
TED:
And the craziest part was...
I feel better.
Over the years, each of us would discover
that Barney's elixir actually worked.
- Like way better.
- What's in this thing again?
Stinson family secret.
You told me most of
the ingredients in your story.
- Just tell me the secret one.
- Ha! I'll never tell you.
I'll take it with me to my grave.
Damn it, Barney, why are you always
so selfish? We are trying to help you.
Okay, we have to get this leaky barf bag
back on his feet before the wedding pictures.
We know what Barney would want to do.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Say cheese.
ALL: Cheese.
No, we are not doing
Weekend at Barney's.
But that's the dream.
I can't believe I just said that.
- Someone suggest something useful.
- Here's the plan.
Marshall, you and Ted go gather
the ingredients we do know.
Robin, you wake up Barney long enough
to find out the secret ingredient.
And I'll race down to the spa
to keep my 8:15 mani and pedi.
- Okay, let's do this.
- Bitch...
...walk out that door
and Zabka is my maid of honor.
Okay, let's start simple:
Fresh ocean air.
- Come on, baby.
BOTH: Come on, honey.
ROBIN: Come on, love. Yeah.
- Baby.
All right, I'll get the elevator.
Oh, I should get some water.
[LILY & ROBIN GRUNT]
Okay. So accidentally throwing Barney
down the stairs did not wake him up.
Nor did banging his head on each step
as we dragged him back up here.
So how do we wake him up long enough
to tell us the final ingredient?
When my sister and I
had trouble getting up for school...
...my dad had a few cute tricks.
[BEAR ROARING]
I'll do it! I swear to God I'll do it!
Your dad used to do this to you?
With a Cabbage Patch doll
and ax, but same idea.
Trust me, I was never late
for kindergarten again.
What? Come on.
[GRUNTING]
Ugh. I second Marshall's vow.
I will never ever get that drunk again.
TED:
Yeah, she would.
My baby boy's in college.
Did you pack enough undies?
Yes, Mom. Shh.
Your father did a lot of puking
in these hallowed halls...
...from binge studying. Saved it.
That reminds me, mister,
no underage drinking.
No good comes from
hanging out in bars and getting drunk.
But every story
from your 20's starts in a bar.
- Listen to your mother.
- Aw... What are we gonna do...
...without you in the house?
LILY:
We got him out of the house. Drink up.
Mm. Whoo!
Oh, boy.
- You son of a bitch.
- You son of a me.
All right, we got most of the ingredients
on our list: Ginger, bananas, Funyuns.
I can't believe that mini-mart sold Tantrum.
It's been discontinued for years.
- Uh, hey, ahem, will you toss me that bottle?
- Yeah, we haven't done this forever.
Dude, you're a grown man,
why are you throwing a Tantrum?
- Nice.
- So awesome.
- So awesome.
- Okay, there's one more item on the list...
...and it's an odd one.
- Grease?
- Grease.
At the Farhampton Inn,
we don't cook with grease.
Our menu is organic, farm-to-table,
locally grown. No "grease."
Sir, I am from Minnesota...
...where every meal is cooked with grease
and my father dubbed it:
"The tastiest eats in the whole
gosh darn world," so...
And how is your father's health?
Point is, it tastes really good.
Also, we need it to help a friend...
...recover from a hangover.
- Wait a second...
...there's bacon right here.
And where there's bacon...
...there's bacon grease.
- Which we throw out.
We aren't making any more bacon today.
Not unless it all somehow gets eaten
in the 10 minutes before breakfast is over.
No, no, no. Ted, do not give me that look.
A mountain of food, a ticking clock?
Come on, you live for this stuff.
No, I'm not a wild animal.
I'm a Columbia-educated lawyer,
poised to become ajudge before age 35.
And remind me, how did you
celebrate getting accepted into Columbia?
You eat one 8-pound block of fudge
in 12 minutes and you're marked for life.
You're not marked for life, Big Fudge.
I'm out, okay? You eat the bacon.
You know I can't, I'm allergic.
Ted, I've been trying to tell you for years,
your bacon allergy is a lie...
...your mother made up
so you'd eat healthy.
No, I'm just allergic to a lot of stuff.
Bacon, donuts, Halloween candy...
...not saying "thank you."
Oh, my God, that bitch lied to me.
Okay, I'll do it.
But, look, I don't even know
if I'll like bacon.
[SNIFFS]
What do you think?
I have seen the face of God.
Okay, there is one thing
we haven't tried yet:
Making out with each other.
- You really think that will wake him up?
- Wake up who now?
[BARNEY GRUNTING]
Ugh. Look at this soggy bag of snot.
That's it, I am joining Marshall's vow.
I am never, ever
getting that drunk again.
TED:
Kids, you see where this is going.
Did last night really happen?
I think so.
Look, let's just agree:
Absolute silence for the rest of the day.
[BABY CRYING]
- Oh...
- Ha-ha-ha. Every time. You want me to get her?
No, I got her.
Come here. Yeah, I know, I know.
Shh, shh, shh. Shh.
- Hey, Barney?
- Yeah?
Whose baby is this?
[IN SPANISH]
[ALL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
[BABY CRYING]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
How could you, Mom?
You had the map to heaven
and you never showed me the way.
May you rot in the bacon-less hell
that I've lived in my entire life.
- They crisp it up real nice here, don't they?
- Mm-hm.
What is that? Applewood smoked?
Ted, you've been going at it real hard...
...why don't you take a breather
and I'll drive us home?
[SNARLS]
- Well, congratulations. Here's your grease.
TED: Mm.
- No. I don't want to lose a finger.
TED: Mm. Mm.
- Here.
- All right, Ted, let's go.
No. No.
I finally found the one, Marshall.
Her name is Bacon.
You know, this would go great
on one of my mom's LT sandwiches.
- Okay, buddy, you gotta take it easy.
- Never!
I've got a lifetime
without bacon to make up for.
I will keep eating and eating and eating...
Oh, God, help me, I'm going down.
TED: And that's the first
and last time I ever ate bacon.
He's not waking up. I'm out of ideas.
We've tried everything.
Not everything.
Lily Aldrin, let's make out.
[GASPS]
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, baby. I'm sure.
Um...
Okay, well, you know what? I mean...
...it probably won't even work.
It's stupid, I'm stupid.
Shh, shh, shh.
You're beautiful.
Come here.
[BARNEY GASPS]
More, more, more.
Whoa, he's awake. How'd you do it?
- Nothing special.
- Hydration, patience.
Quick, before he passes out again.
Barney...
...what's the secret ingredient
in Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir?
Come on, stay with us.
The secret ingredient is...
...nothing.
ALL: Huh?
I ate too much bacon.
Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir...
...is a lie. That's the secret.
You know, I could use
a little lie-down myself.
So Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir
is a lie?
- Why would you lie about that?
- Just to mess with us?
Like that jerk in high school
who brings fake mushrooms...
...to see who's gullible enough to trip?
- Damn you, OIlie Gunderson.
I knew those shrooms
tasted like Sea-Monkeys.
- How do you know what they taste like?
- My older brothers are not...
...the best people.
- Why did you lie?
I love you guys.
He loves us?
- Let's throw him down the stairs again.
TED & MARSHALL: Yeah.
Wait, think. The first time
Barney gave us that drink...
...those hangovers all happened
at the worst possible moments.
Remember? Marshall thought
he botched the bar exam...
... so he freaked out and got wasted?
Now I'm gonna miss the last day
of the bar. I'll never be a lawyer.
I should just go back to
being a manager at Structure.
That "10 percent off all vests" sale?
That was my idea.
As was cutting the arms off the shirts
that weren't selling. That's where I belong.
No, Marshall, you're gonna be a lawyer.
- Ugh. No, I can't do it.
- Yes, you can.
Your first day back, live on the air,
is gonna be legen... Wait for it.
- Dary. Your kindergarten field trip to the
Jackhammer and Siren Museum today...
...is gonna be legendary.
No, it's not.
Nothing's ever gonna be legendary again,
I'm never gonna recover from this.
- It's just a hangover, Ted.
- Not that.
I got left at the altar, Barney.
I'm now a guy who got left at the altar.
There's no coming back from that.
Drink this. You're gonna be okay.
Barney made up the Stinson's
Hangover Fixer Elixir so we would all...
...believe that we could rally.
Even though it's fake, it worked.
- Like Dumbo's feather.
- Dum-bro's feather.
- A placebo.
- Place-bro.
A sugar pill.
[GRUNTS]
He lied so we'd be okay.
Barney does love us.
I wish we could help him out
the way he helped us.
- But the wedding photos are in 20 minutes.
- My dad's gonna be so pissed.
Yep, Barney's a dead man.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
Barney, you were always a bit...
...chatty and blond for my taste.
You're like a woman.
But this new side of you...
...quiet, steady, I like it.
You've earned my respect today, son.
- I request the highest of fives.
- Oh, no.
Stay cool, we got this.
[CHUCKLES]
BARNEY:
I don't believe this.
You did Weekend at Barney's and it worked.
God, today's gonna be
all downhill from here.
- That's what the bride wants to hear.
- Ha, ha. No, that's not what I meant.
I just mean Weekend at Barney's
is way more amazing...
...than our wedding could be.
I'm gonna get more coffee.
I can't wait to see the photos.
Well, he bought it.
We lied out of love.
Look how happy he is.
He has no idea we had to
cancel the photos...
...and my dad came up
and kicked Barney in the crotch.
And the best part is,
your dad has no idea.
He still loves me.
Hey, do anyone else's balls hurt?
And some good came out of this,
seeing you like that...
...we all vowed never
to get that drunk again.
Well, actually, I didn't, but I will now.
- Never again.
ALL: Never again.
TED:
Kids, no matter how hard we try...
... even the best of us
go a little too wild sometimes.
And in those moments, we all need
someone who loves us to help us rally.
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
- [WHISPERS] Happy New Year.
- Okay, that was way too loud.
You're practically screaming.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] What you need
is Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir.
TED:
Even if that means lying once in a while.
- Does it work?
- Totally works.
[GAGS]
It's normal. It's totally normal.
- I love you so much.
- I love you too.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Oop, oop. Better drink it fast.
BOTH: Mommy!
- Hey, look who it is! Get her!
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Heh. I can't believe
we kissed today. Weird. Heh.
I feel kind of bad
that Ted and Marshall missed it.
Hey, we should kiss one more time
in front of them...
...just to, like, blow their minds, right?
- No, I don't think so.
- Exactly. Totally. Ha, ha.
"Ha, ha, guys, you don't get to
see this kiss either." Ha-ha-ha.
So where should we go?
Closet? Patio? Ooh, I think the sauna's open.
Well, actually...
...to be honest,
it felt kind of weird to me.
- Once was enough.
- Totally.
We could kiss, we could not kiss.
We could kiss, doesn't matter to me.
It's stupid. I'm stupid.
So stupid.