How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 9, Episode 12 - The Rehearsal Dinner - full transcript
During what is supposed to be their rehearsal dinner at the Inn, Barney, handcuffed, and Robin are in the security office of the only laser tag facility in Farhampton, Barney handcuffed for causing a disturbance. Barney and Robin explain how they got to where they currently are, which includes Robin's compromise on the wedding by not having it Canada as she wanted, Barney's want to hold the rehearsal dinner as a game of laser tag, and the two previously agreeing that there would be no more last minute surprises in their relationship. For that rehearsal dinner, Robin and Barney reluctantly agreed to let Ted play the piano, something that he believes he can learn to do in a couple of month's lesson time. What Ted ends up deciding to do on this matter irks Lily. Conversely, Ted is irked that Lily doesn't seem to be able to keep secrets, despite she having been able to keep Ted's secret thus far about moving to Chicago following the wedding. Lily feels the need to unburden herself to Ted about another secret, namely Marshall accepting the judgeship without asking her first, which in turn affects their plans to move to Italy for her work. Ted's action in response surprises Lily.
Barney:
"let's get this party started."
Hey, can you
push the button?
Do not touch
that button.
Just give it a little push.
Don't push it.
Half of it, halfway, halfway...
Don't even touch it.
Why can't I
push the button?
Because whenever barney
sees a button-- any button--
He has to push it.
(panting)
Sorry.
Why are you so mad?
Because my rehearsal dinner
Was supposed to start
ten minutes ago.
But instead of stuffing my face
With hors d'oeuvres
That I have been dreaming
about for months,
I am in a laser tag
Security office,
Waiting for the police
to arrest my fiancé
For causing a disturbance.
Hey, you said "fiancé."
That's a good sign.
(sighs)
Now what do you say
we give that old button a push?
Take a good look at
this face, barney, okay?
'cause it'll be useful
for the future.
This is my "pretty mad" face.
Well, then, we've got a problem.
'cause it looks a lot like
your "pretty hungry" face.
I'm missing
the bacon-wrapped figs!
Please push the button!
Why is it
so cold in here?
You trying to get me to talk
or something?
Not really.
In fact, if you could just
sit there quietly...
Fine, I'll talk.
It all started a few months ago,
When I had the most
awesome idea ever.
Laser tag
rehearsal dinner!
That might be the worst idea
you've ever had,
Which is saying a lot.
Name one bad idea
I've ever had.
Gluten-free edible panties.
Hot dog on a stick
on a bun.
Inflatable sex toy life raft.
The breast
augmentation channel.
Single malt
scotch tape.
The time you ran for mayor.
I still have 12,000 buttons
that say,
"the only poll I care about
is in my pants."
Barney, planning
a wedding
Is all about compromise.
Do you remember that one night,
Right after we got engaged?
Where is this wedding
gonna be, anyway?
You know, I thought
it might be nice
To get married
in canada.
I mean, it's where
I'm from, and...
Okay.
Let's have it.
Get it over with,
Get it all out
of your system.
I'm the groom,
I'm the groom,
I might as well start.
Canada?
What, are we gonna
Walk down the aisle to
crash test dummies?
Play's to marshall.
Canada?
What are you gonna do,
Hire a regular dog sled
or a stretch?
(snorts)
Canada?
Are you registered
at tim hortons?
Lily:
Canada.
Oh, does
the organist play
Wearing mittens?
Marshall:
Canada? How are you gonna
Slip the ring on
the bride's finger
If she's wearing
mittens?
(laughs)
Two mitten jokes
in a row?
So... You're pretty
much done, then?
Narrator:
Kids... We weren't even close.
Canada.
What do we ask on
the wedding invitation?
"will you be having
the elk or the moose?"
Canada.
What, are you gonna
walk down the aisle
Wearing snowshoes?!
(laughing)
Canada.
What, is everyone gonna have
access to universal healthcare
So no one has to choose
between going bankrupt
And treating
a life-threatening illness?
Canada?
W-what's the band gonna play
for your first dance?
Crash test dummies?
(laughing)
see, it's funny
'cause who gets a band?
Enough.
It was just an idea.
Okay, okay.
Seriously, robin,
doing it here in new york
Would be easier, since
all of our friends
And a lot of
our family are here.
But... I want you
to have the wedding
that you want.
So if it's canada...
Just say the word.
(stifles a laugh)
And then say it again
in french.
(laughing)
See? I compromised.
Fine.
We'll just have a nice,
tasteful rehearsal dinner.
Maybe at a french restaurant.
I know just the place.
What's the name
of the restaurant?
La... Ser tag.
You know, I was thinking about
What to get you guys
for a wedding gift.
As you know,
I'm kind of
the wedding gift master.
And, well,
all this talk
Of the rehearsal dinner
Gives me a fantastic idea.
I've been
meaning
To start taking
piano lessons again.
No.
No piano time.
Guys!
Just let me perform something.
I'll-I'll tickle the keys.
It'll be great.
Not even if you
dressed up as liberace.
What if I dressed up
as liberace?
Sold!
Sold.
And that was the end of it.
Until my bachelor party.
Uh-oh.
Let me guess:
There was a stripper.
You had a little fun.
Maybe took some
ill-advised pictures.
Next thing
you know,
She's blackmailing you
into bankruptcy,
And your medical degree's
hanging on the wall
Of a laser tag security office!
No.
The night of my bachelor party,
my friends took me
To a crappy hotel,
Hired my ex-fiancée
to be the stripper,
I lost thousands of dollars,
and my best friend
Even had his hand cut off.
It would've been
The worst night of all time
If the whole thing hadn't been
A prank planned by
My beautiful, amazing fiancée.
She put me through hell
just to give me the best
Surprise of my life... Which,
p.S., included an appearance
By my favorite actor--
Non-porn category.
Wow, that sounds pretty cool.
Yeah. Except
pretty not cool,
Because he kept talking about
how he was gonna get me back,
And sure enough,
a few days later...
Robin, there's no
good way to say this.
I've made a huge mistake.
I can't go through
with the wedding.
What?
(choked up):
I'm so sorry.
I-I just...
I had to tell you
Before it was too late.
Oh, my god, you're serious.
Yeah.
And since this is my apartment,
I think that
you should move out.
Fine.
Puppies!
I know.
Great prank, right?
That is awful.
You're a frickin' weirdo.
Such a weirdo.
Careful, watch the robe.
Anyway,
For reasons only
you guys and robin
But nobody normal
like me would understand,
She got cranky.
And she laid
down the law.
No more surprises.
(weird voice):
But you love surprises.
Almost as much as
I love lickin' myself!
That was me talking,
not the puppy.
Barney, the surprises
are out of hand
And they have to stop.
Deal?
But...
Deal?
But...
Deal.
Butt...
Barney...
Fine.
Deal.
Man.
This whole "no more
surprises" thing
Is so unfair.
Who does that?
Barney,
the "no more surprises" thing
Is the best part
of being married.
It's true.
When I wake up
in the morning,
I know what lily's breath
is gonna smell like.
It's like...
Roses.
Do you really
want a marriage
Where you have
this paranoia
That robin's hiding
around every corner,
Planning to get
you back with some
crazy new prank?
You're
absolutely right.
Thank you, lily.
No, th...
That was me,
over here.
He wasn't listening.
If you guys
are saying
What I think
you're saying...
Probably not.
Go on.
...Then that
must mean...
No, it doesn't.
...That robin is
planning a surprise
Laser tag
rehearsal dinner!
Dude, robin is not planning
A surprise laser tag
rehearsal dinner.
Yes, she is.
No, she isn't.
Yes, she is.
No, I'm not!
Yes, she is.
All:
No, she isn't.
Then why did
she pretend
To ridicule it
as an idiotic idea?
Because it is
an idiotic idea.
If robin
actually was
Planning a surprise,
Don't you think she would
tell her maid of honor?
She didn't tell you
'cause you can keep a secret
The way my dentist
keeps his car keys.
You don't know him,
but he's lost them...
Like, twice.
Actually,
just once, and...
That time they were
in his other pocket.
I can't keep a secret?
He does have a point, lily.
You're kind of famous for
the old blabbity-blabbity.
Hey.
How was lunch
with debbie?
Great.
She's pregnant!
(gasps) oops.
I'm not supposed
to tell anybody.
Why not?
Because she's getting
a divorce.
Damn it!
Debbie's getting
a divorce?
Yeah, she walked
in on her husband
having sex.
Oh! Come on, lily.
Well, maybe we don't
need to know every gory...
With a man.
Will you get it
together, aldrin?!
You okay, lily?
And that guy's
the father of the baby.
(sighs)
I gotta go lie down.
Which brings us
to earlier today,
When robin was setting up
the decoy rehearsal dinner,
Complete with fake booze.
Trying to pass
this off as scotch,
And we all know
it's apple juice.
(choking):
Typical apple juice burn.
Yes, barney,
the booze is real.
The food is real.
Ooh, speaking of which,
where are the
bacon-wrapped figs?
Probably at...
(clears throat)
...The laser tag place,
Where the real rehearsal
dinner's going down.
Isn't that right,
theodore?
Barney, there is
no laser tag.
We're gonna have
a nice dinner,
Some drinks,
and then,
According to robin,
If her aunt edith
gets drunk enough,
She'll take off her wig and
they'll play hockey with it.
Poppycock!
You know how
she's gonna do it,
And you're gonna
tell me!
Or do I have
to get my face
Even closer
to yours?
Lily:
Hey.
How come you're
not getting
Uncomfortably
close to my face?
I could be in on it, too.
(both laughing)
'course you could,
lil.
I can keep a secret.
Lily, don't
make me laugh.
I'd trust you
with a secret
As much as I'd trust
marshall with pop secret.
I can keep a secret!
I can keep a secret
real good.
I can keep a secret
like nobody's business,
'cause it is
nobody's business.
'cause it's a secret,
And I'm keeping it!
Does marshall
shave his back?
No, I shave it
for him. Damn it!
Ooh!
I should call
marshall.
I bet he's
in on this.
If he really exists.
Okay.
Setting aside the fact
That I've kept your whole
"moving to chicago" thing
a secret,
Aren't you supposed to be
dressed like liberace right now?
Okay, first of all,
If I showed up in costume,
It would steal from
the surprise and spectacle
Of my grand entrance.
And second of all,
I'm not doing that.
Why not?
Because dressing like liberace
is easy, but...
Uh, yes, 4/4, e-sharp...
Major...
Okay.
Let's make something
beautiful, shall we?
(inhales deeply)
I think that's
enough for today.
Okay, I figured out how
this is gonna go down.
We're gonna "run out" of ice,
And robin's gonna ask me
to go get some,
And lo and behold,
the only place that sells ice
In this whole town is right next
to the local laser taggery.
I go inside and... (gasps)
Surprise!
Beautiful dinner,
family and friends,
Free game tokens
and an off-road arcade game
That's rigged
for unlimited turbos!
That is the
single stupidest...
Guys, you aren't
gonna believe this.
The ice machine
is broken.
Is it now?
Well, dog my cats,
what are the chances?
Huh? What do we do?
Well, I guess I could go get
some ice.
Uh, no,
they'll send someone.
All right, fine.
Twist my arm. I'll do it.
But seriously,
hmm?
Did you get everything set up
over there?
Do you have enough food,
have enough guns?
Did you get a vest extender
for grandma stinson? She's...
What are you
talking about?
Oh, babe, you're so good
at this. I love it.
All right, I'll see you guys
over there.
I mean, be right back.
Barney, barney, this is
our rehearsal dinner, okay?
Do not leave the premises.
Promise me you're not going
anywhere.
Fine.
Say it.
Say you promise
you won't leave.
I promise I won't leave.
So I left.
And what do you know,
The ice store is right next
to a laser tag place!
No, it isn't!
It's six miles away
In the opposite direction.
And I told you not to go!
Yeah, well, you also told me
You didn't want a ring bear
at the wedding.
Ring bear-er!
We all know how great
That's gonna be. The point is,
I played along with her plan,
And I acted "natural" so I
wouldn't spoil the surprise.
Oh, my goodness!
Laser tag?!
Maybe I should go in here
for a minute,
Just check it out
for no apparent reason.
And what's this?
My hands-free token satchel?
And my free lifetime refill
root beer mug?
So for the past
two months
When we were letting you use
our apartment
To practice the piano
every Sunday night,
What were you doing?
Oh, so that's not traveling
'cause he's the mvp?
Come on!
Where's barney?
Has anyone seen him?
Robin, ted's totally bailing
On playing the piano
for you and barney.
Oh, really? Ted, you didn't
have to not do that.
But thank you.
But he promised!
A promise is a promise.
You can't say you're
gonna do something
And then suddenly do something
completely different!
Why are you getting
so worked up about this?
Because, obviously, I'm worked
up for a different
But somewhat similar reason.
And someone should ask me
about it!
I'm sorry. I don't have time
for your drama right now, lily.
My fiancé is missing.
Marshall got picked
to be a judge.
He took the job
without even asking me.
Italy's off!
I have time for your drama.
So, marshall can't go
to Italy?
Not if he wants to be a judge.
And my italian was getting
so good.
It was so (speaks italian).
But wait, you guys already
sublet the apartment.
You're already packed.
Marshall already borrowed
and lost my rosetta stone.
That selfish bastard!
(phone rings)
sorry, lil. Hello.
Okay, I'm mad, too.
I should hope so.
All of a sudden, his dream
is more important than yours?
And he did it behind your back.
Bastardo!
He would never hurt me
intentionally.
I'll hurt him intentionally.
Molto bastardo!
That's sweet of you to say.
You could never take
marshall in a million years,
But that's sweet of you to say.
Well, apparently, barney went
to the laser tag place
Looking for a surprise
rehearsal dinner.
When he didn't find one,
he threatened
To dunk
the snack bar guy's head
Into a vat
of scalding nacho whiz.
He's being held
until the police arrive
I need your apple juice.
Ha!
And here we are.
Now, I believe this charade
has gone on long enough.
Can we please get to the
surprise laser tag rehearsal?
Hey, there is no surprise
laser tag rehearsal dinner!
Okay, but if I may offer
an opposing view.
Of course there is!
This place is lousy
with clues.
Is he even really
a security guard?
Because he looks an awful lot
like a non-pakistani version
Of the guy who delivers
sandwiches at my office.
Also...
"laser tag" has the same number
of letters as "rehearsal."
Laser tag has eight,
rehearsal has nine.
And if you rearrange the letters
and add some other ones,
It says, "get ready, barney,
for the biggest surprise ever,
You handsome son of a..."
And then not quite enough
letters for "bitch,"
But good try, robin.
This is crazy, barney.
We-we can't have a marriage
like this.
A marriage has to be built on
honesty and trust
And all of that lily-
and-marshall crap.
I though our marriage was built
on honesty and trust
And all that lily-
and-marshal crap.
I just feel so alone right now.
Well, you're not. I'm here.
And I know you can keep
a secret.
(scoffs) yeah, right.
Tell you what.
How about I let you in
on another secret?
Something bigger.
Bigger than chicago?
Are you kidding?
Nope. Want to do the honors?
Ladies and gentlemen,
There's been a slight change
of plan.
Fine! Fine.
You're right, robin.
Marriage isn't about playing
crazy pranks.
It isn't about telling
long expertly crafted lies
To cover those pranks...
How'd you get out
of those handcuffs?
...And hiring actors
to play security guards
And spending exorbitant
amounts of money on things
Like giant,
fake laser tag signs.
No, it's about honesty.
Size six skate, right?
And in that spirit,
I got to be honest.
Every now and then,
I am gonna lie to you.
I just am.
If it's in the interest
of an amazing surprise, that is.
You're gonna get bamboozled,
hoodwinked.
Heck, I'll just say it.
You're gonna get snowed.
Why is it snowing in here?
Put on the skates.
We gotta go.
Where?
Where are we going?
To the rehearsal dinner, silly.
Let's get this party started.
What?!
All:
Surprise!
What-what is going on?
I know how much you wanted
to be in canada this weekend.
So I brought canada to you.
Oh, and here's an autographed
picture of wayne gretzky.
Thanks.
And this guy's not really
a security guard.
♪ once there was this boy who
♪ wore a lot of suits and said
that stuff was "legendary" ♪
♪ he gave lots of high fives
♪ and swore...
♪ that he would
never get married ♪
♪ he really thought
he meant it ♪
Thanks for letting me
in on this.
Even if it was
at the very end.
My pleasure.
Oh, and by the way,
There's one more secret
I've been keeping.
All those nights
I was supposed
To be taking piano lessons?
I was actually taking
figure skating lessons!
♪ once, there was
this girl who... ♪
Narrator:
Kids, it takes more
than two months
To learn how to figure skate.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I'm gonna get you back,
you know?
Bring it.
♪ and swore she'd also
never get married ♪
♪ she really thought
she meant it. ♪
I can't believe
you did all of this.
Hey, I thought you
didn't like canada.
Are you kidding?
I love canada.
Holy musk ox,
Is that legendary
canadian doctor
frederick banting?
Whoa!
In 1924,
I discovered insulin.
Take that, diabetes.
Hey, look, it's manitoba's
native son, norman breakey.
You're welcome, world.
Enjoy my invention,
the paint roller.
And of course,
you know alan thicke.
Hey, hey, you...
Oh, hey.
...Are the prettiest girl
in the place.
Oh, thank you,
alan.
All right, all right,
all right.
Good to see you.
Hey, look,
it's louise poirier,
Who I think worked
for the company
That probably created
wonderbra.
(speaks french)
(speaks french)
okay, okay.
Canadians also helped
win two world wars...
Mm-hmm.
...And gave the world
neil young, william shatner,
Leonard cohen,
pamela anderson,
One quarter
of barney stinson,
Instant mashed potatoes,
and best of all, you.
Thank you.
Encoded by
NIT158
Search for NIT158
"let's get this party started."
Hey, can you
push the button?
Do not touch
that button.
Just give it a little push.
Don't push it.
Half of it, halfway, halfway...
Don't even touch it.
Why can't I
push the button?
Because whenever barney
sees a button-- any button--
He has to push it.
(panting)
Sorry.
Why are you so mad?
Because my rehearsal dinner
Was supposed to start
ten minutes ago.
But instead of stuffing my face
With hors d'oeuvres
That I have been dreaming
about for months,
I am in a laser tag
Security office,
Waiting for the police
to arrest my fiancé
For causing a disturbance.
Hey, you said "fiancé."
That's a good sign.
(sighs)
Now what do you say
we give that old button a push?
Take a good look at
this face, barney, okay?
'cause it'll be useful
for the future.
This is my "pretty mad" face.
Well, then, we've got a problem.
'cause it looks a lot like
your "pretty hungry" face.
I'm missing
the bacon-wrapped figs!
Please push the button!
Why is it
so cold in here?
You trying to get me to talk
or something?
Not really.
In fact, if you could just
sit there quietly...
Fine, I'll talk.
It all started a few months ago,
When I had the most
awesome idea ever.
Laser tag
rehearsal dinner!
That might be the worst idea
you've ever had,
Which is saying a lot.
Name one bad idea
I've ever had.
Gluten-free edible panties.
Hot dog on a stick
on a bun.
Inflatable sex toy life raft.
The breast
augmentation channel.
Single malt
scotch tape.
The time you ran for mayor.
I still have 12,000 buttons
that say,
"the only poll I care about
is in my pants."
Barney, planning
a wedding
Is all about compromise.
Do you remember that one night,
Right after we got engaged?
Where is this wedding
gonna be, anyway?
You know, I thought
it might be nice
To get married
in canada.
I mean, it's where
I'm from, and...
Okay.
Let's have it.
Get it over with,
Get it all out
of your system.
I'm the groom,
I'm the groom,
I might as well start.
Canada?
What, are we gonna
Walk down the aisle to
crash test dummies?
Play's to marshall.
Canada?
What are you gonna do,
Hire a regular dog sled
or a stretch?
(snorts)
Canada?
Are you registered
at tim hortons?
Lily:
Canada.
Oh, does
the organist play
Wearing mittens?
Marshall:
Canada? How are you gonna
Slip the ring on
the bride's finger
If she's wearing
mittens?
(laughs)
Two mitten jokes
in a row?
So... You're pretty
much done, then?
Narrator:
Kids... We weren't even close.
Canada.
What do we ask on
the wedding invitation?
"will you be having
the elk or the moose?"
Canada.
What, are you gonna
walk down the aisle
Wearing snowshoes?!
(laughing)
Canada.
What, is everyone gonna have
access to universal healthcare
So no one has to choose
between going bankrupt
And treating
a life-threatening illness?
Canada?
W-what's the band gonna play
for your first dance?
Crash test dummies?
(laughing)
see, it's funny
'cause who gets a band?
Enough.
It was just an idea.
Okay, okay.
Seriously, robin,
doing it here in new york
Would be easier, since
all of our friends
And a lot of
our family are here.
But... I want you
to have the wedding
that you want.
So if it's canada...
Just say the word.
(stifles a laugh)
And then say it again
in french.
(laughing)
See? I compromised.
Fine.
We'll just have a nice,
tasteful rehearsal dinner.
Maybe at a french restaurant.
I know just the place.
What's the name
of the restaurant?
La... Ser tag.
You know, I was thinking about
What to get you guys
for a wedding gift.
As you know,
I'm kind of
the wedding gift master.
And, well,
all this talk
Of the rehearsal dinner
Gives me a fantastic idea.
I've been
meaning
To start taking
piano lessons again.
No.
No piano time.
Guys!
Just let me perform something.
I'll-I'll tickle the keys.
It'll be great.
Not even if you
dressed up as liberace.
What if I dressed up
as liberace?
Sold!
Sold.
And that was the end of it.
Until my bachelor party.
Uh-oh.
Let me guess:
There was a stripper.
You had a little fun.
Maybe took some
ill-advised pictures.
Next thing
you know,
She's blackmailing you
into bankruptcy,
And your medical degree's
hanging on the wall
Of a laser tag security office!
No.
The night of my bachelor party,
my friends took me
To a crappy hotel,
Hired my ex-fiancée
to be the stripper,
I lost thousands of dollars,
and my best friend
Even had his hand cut off.
It would've been
The worst night of all time
If the whole thing hadn't been
A prank planned by
My beautiful, amazing fiancée.
She put me through hell
just to give me the best
Surprise of my life... Which,
p.S., included an appearance
By my favorite actor--
Non-porn category.
Wow, that sounds pretty cool.
Yeah. Except
pretty not cool,
Because he kept talking about
how he was gonna get me back,
And sure enough,
a few days later...
Robin, there's no
good way to say this.
I've made a huge mistake.
I can't go through
with the wedding.
What?
(choked up):
I'm so sorry.
I-I just...
I had to tell you
Before it was too late.
Oh, my god, you're serious.
Yeah.
And since this is my apartment,
I think that
you should move out.
Fine.
Puppies!
I know.
Great prank, right?
That is awful.
You're a frickin' weirdo.
Such a weirdo.
Careful, watch the robe.
Anyway,
For reasons only
you guys and robin
But nobody normal
like me would understand,
She got cranky.
And she laid
down the law.
No more surprises.
(weird voice):
But you love surprises.
Almost as much as
I love lickin' myself!
That was me talking,
not the puppy.
Barney, the surprises
are out of hand
And they have to stop.
Deal?
But...
Deal?
But...
Deal.
Butt...
Barney...
Fine.
Deal.
Man.
This whole "no more
surprises" thing
Is so unfair.
Who does that?
Barney,
the "no more surprises" thing
Is the best part
of being married.
It's true.
When I wake up
in the morning,
I know what lily's breath
is gonna smell like.
It's like...
Roses.
Do you really
want a marriage
Where you have
this paranoia
That robin's hiding
around every corner,
Planning to get
you back with some
crazy new prank?
You're
absolutely right.
Thank you, lily.
No, th...
That was me,
over here.
He wasn't listening.
If you guys
are saying
What I think
you're saying...
Probably not.
Go on.
...Then that
must mean...
No, it doesn't.
...That robin is
planning a surprise
Laser tag
rehearsal dinner!
Dude, robin is not planning
A surprise laser tag
rehearsal dinner.
Yes, she is.
No, she isn't.
Yes, she is.
No, I'm not!
Yes, she is.
All:
No, she isn't.
Then why did
she pretend
To ridicule it
as an idiotic idea?
Because it is
an idiotic idea.
If robin
actually was
Planning a surprise,
Don't you think she would
tell her maid of honor?
She didn't tell you
'cause you can keep a secret
The way my dentist
keeps his car keys.
You don't know him,
but he's lost them...
Like, twice.
Actually,
just once, and...
That time they were
in his other pocket.
I can't keep a secret?
He does have a point, lily.
You're kind of famous for
the old blabbity-blabbity.
Hey.
How was lunch
with debbie?
Great.
She's pregnant!
(gasps) oops.
I'm not supposed
to tell anybody.
Why not?
Because she's getting
a divorce.
Damn it!
Debbie's getting
a divorce?
Yeah, she walked
in on her husband
having sex.
Oh! Come on, lily.
Well, maybe we don't
need to know every gory...
With a man.
Will you get it
together, aldrin?!
You okay, lily?
And that guy's
the father of the baby.
(sighs)
I gotta go lie down.
Which brings us
to earlier today,
When robin was setting up
the decoy rehearsal dinner,
Complete with fake booze.
Trying to pass
this off as scotch,
And we all know
it's apple juice.
(choking):
Typical apple juice burn.
Yes, barney,
the booze is real.
The food is real.
Ooh, speaking of which,
where are the
bacon-wrapped figs?
Probably at...
(clears throat)
...The laser tag place,
Where the real rehearsal
dinner's going down.
Isn't that right,
theodore?
Barney, there is
no laser tag.
We're gonna have
a nice dinner,
Some drinks,
and then,
According to robin,
If her aunt edith
gets drunk enough,
She'll take off her wig and
they'll play hockey with it.
Poppycock!
You know how
she's gonna do it,
And you're gonna
tell me!
Or do I have
to get my face
Even closer
to yours?
Lily:
Hey.
How come you're
not getting
Uncomfortably
close to my face?
I could be in on it, too.
(both laughing)
'course you could,
lil.
I can keep a secret.
Lily, don't
make me laugh.
I'd trust you
with a secret
As much as I'd trust
marshall with pop secret.
I can keep a secret!
I can keep a secret
real good.
I can keep a secret
like nobody's business,
'cause it is
nobody's business.
'cause it's a secret,
And I'm keeping it!
Does marshall
shave his back?
No, I shave it
for him. Damn it!
Ooh!
I should call
marshall.
I bet he's
in on this.
If he really exists.
Okay.
Setting aside the fact
That I've kept your whole
"moving to chicago" thing
a secret,
Aren't you supposed to be
dressed like liberace right now?
Okay, first of all,
If I showed up in costume,
It would steal from
the surprise and spectacle
Of my grand entrance.
And second of all,
I'm not doing that.
Why not?
Because dressing like liberace
is easy, but...
Uh, yes, 4/4, e-sharp...
Major...
Okay.
Let's make something
beautiful, shall we?
(inhales deeply)
I think that's
enough for today.
Okay, I figured out how
this is gonna go down.
We're gonna "run out" of ice,
And robin's gonna ask me
to go get some,
And lo and behold,
the only place that sells ice
In this whole town is right next
to the local laser taggery.
I go inside and... (gasps)
Surprise!
Beautiful dinner,
family and friends,
Free game tokens
and an off-road arcade game
That's rigged
for unlimited turbos!
That is the
single stupidest...
Guys, you aren't
gonna believe this.
The ice machine
is broken.
Is it now?
Well, dog my cats,
what are the chances?
Huh? What do we do?
Well, I guess I could go get
some ice.
Uh, no,
they'll send someone.
All right, fine.
Twist my arm. I'll do it.
But seriously,
hmm?
Did you get everything set up
over there?
Do you have enough food,
have enough guns?
Did you get a vest extender
for grandma stinson? She's...
What are you
talking about?
Oh, babe, you're so good
at this. I love it.
All right, I'll see you guys
over there.
I mean, be right back.
Barney, barney, this is
our rehearsal dinner, okay?
Do not leave the premises.
Promise me you're not going
anywhere.
Fine.
Say it.
Say you promise
you won't leave.
I promise I won't leave.
So I left.
And what do you know,
The ice store is right next
to a laser tag place!
No, it isn't!
It's six miles away
In the opposite direction.
And I told you not to go!
Yeah, well, you also told me
You didn't want a ring bear
at the wedding.
Ring bear-er!
We all know how great
That's gonna be. The point is,
I played along with her plan,
And I acted "natural" so I
wouldn't spoil the surprise.
Oh, my goodness!
Laser tag?!
Maybe I should go in here
for a minute,
Just check it out
for no apparent reason.
And what's this?
My hands-free token satchel?
And my free lifetime refill
root beer mug?
So for the past
two months
When we were letting you use
our apartment
To practice the piano
every Sunday night,
What were you doing?
Oh, so that's not traveling
'cause he's the mvp?
Come on!
Where's barney?
Has anyone seen him?
Robin, ted's totally bailing
On playing the piano
for you and barney.
Oh, really? Ted, you didn't
have to not do that.
But thank you.
But he promised!
A promise is a promise.
You can't say you're
gonna do something
And then suddenly do something
completely different!
Why are you getting
so worked up about this?
Because, obviously, I'm worked
up for a different
But somewhat similar reason.
And someone should ask me
about it!
I'm sorry. I don't have time
for your drama right now, lily.
My fiancé is missing.
Marshall got picked
to be a judge.
He took the job
without even asking me.
Italy's off!
I have time for your drama.
So, marshall can't go
to Italy?
Not if he wants to be a judge.
And my italian was getting
so good.
It was so (speaks italian).
But wait, you guys already
sublet the apartment.
You're already packed.
Marshall already borrowed
and lost my rosetta stone.
That selfish bastard!
(phone rings)
sorry, lil. Hello.
Okay, I'm mad, too.
I should hope so.
All of a sudden, his dream
is more important than yours?
And he did it behind your back.
Bastardo!
He would never hurt me
intentionally.
I'll hurt him intentionally.
Molto bastardo!
That's sweet of you to say.
You could never take
marshall in a million years,
But that's sweet of you to say.
Well, apparently, barney went
to the laser tag place
Looking for a surprise
rehearsal dinner.
When he didn't find one,
he threatened
To dunk
the snack bar guy's head
Into a vat
of scalding nacho whiz.
He's being held
until the police arrive
I need your apple juice.
Ha!
And here we are.
Now, I believe this charade
has gone on long enough.
Can we please get to the
surprise laser tag rehearsal?
Hey, there is no surprise
laser tag rehearsal dinner!
Okay, but if I may offer
an opposing view.
Of course there is!
This place is lousy
with clues.
Is he even really
a security guard?
Because he looks an awful lot
like a non-pakistani version
Of the guy who delivers
sandwiches at my office.
Also...
"laser tag" has the same number
of letters as "rehearsal."
Laser tag has eight,
rehearsal has nine.
And if you rearrange the letters
and add some other ones,
It says, "get ready, barney,
for the biggest surprise ever,
You handsome son of a..."
And then not quite enough
letters for "bitch,"
But good try, robin.
This is crazy, barney.
We-we can't have a marriage
like this.
A marriage has to be built on
honesty and trust
And all of that lily-
and-marshall crap.
I though our marriage was built
on honesty and trust
And all that lily-
and-marshal crap.
I just feel so alone right now.
Well, you're not. I'm here.
And I know you can keep
a secret.
(scoffs) yeah, right.
Tell you what.
How about I let you in
on another secret?
Something bigger.
Bigger than chicago?
Are you kidding?
Nope. Want to do the honors?
Ladies and gentlemen,
There's been a slight change
of plan.
Fine! Fine.
You're right, robin.
Marriage isn't about playing
crazy pranks.
It isn't about telling
long expertly crafted lies
To cover those pranks...
How'd you get out
of those handcuffs?
...And hiring actors
to play security guards
And spending exorbitant
amounts of money on things
Like giant,
fake laser tag signs.
No, it's about honesty.
Size six skate, right?
And in that spirit,
I got to be honest.
Every now and then,
I am gonna lie to you.
I just am.
If it's in the interest
of an amazing surprise, that is.
You're gonna get bamboozled,
hoodwinked.
Heck, I'll just say it.
You're gonna get snowed.
Why is it snowing in here?
Put on the skates.
We gotta go.
Where?
Where are we going?
To the rehearsal dinner, silly.
Let's get this party started.
What?!
All:
Surprise!
What-what is going on?
I know how much you wanted
to be in canada this weekend.
So I brought canada to you.
Oh, and here's an autographed
picture of wayne gretzky.
Thanks.
And this guy's not really
a security guard.
♪ once there was this boy who
♪ wore a lot of suits and said
that stuff was "legendary" ♪
♪ he gave lots of high fives
♪ and swore...
♪ that he would
never get married ♪
♪ he really thought
he meant it ♪
Thanks for letting me
in on this.
Even if it was
at the very end.
My pleasure.
Oh, and by the way,
There's one more secret
I've been keeping.
All those nights
I was supposed
To be taking piano lessons?
I was actually taking
figure skating lessons!
♪ once, there was
this girl who... ♪
Narrator:
Kids, it takes more
than two months
To learn how to figure skate.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I'm gonna get you back,
you know?
Bring it.
♪ and swore she'd also
never get married ♪
♪ she really thought
she meant it. ♪
I can't believe
you did all of this.
Hey, I thought you
didn't like canada.
Are you kidding?
I love canada.
Holy musk ox,
Is that legendary
canadian doctor
frederick banting?
Whoa!
In 1924,
I discovered insulin.
Take that, diabetes.
Hey, look, it's manitoba's
native son, norman breakey.
You're welcome, world.
Enjoy my invention,
the paint roller.
And of course,
you know alan thicke.
Hey, hey, you...
Oh, hey.
...Are the prettiest girl
in the place.
Oh, thank you,
alan.
All right, all right,
all right.
Good to see you.
Hey, look,
it's louise poirier,
Who I think worked
for the company
That probably created
wonderbra.
(speaks french)
(speaks french)
okay, okay.
Canadians also helped
win two world wars...
Mm-hmm.
...And gave the world
neil young, william shatner,
Leonard cohen,
pamela anderson,
One quarter
of barney stinson,
Instant mashed potatoes,
and best of all, you.
Thank you.
Encoded by
NIT158
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