How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 9, Episode 10 - Mom and Dad - full transcript
Barney and James fight over which one of their fathers will get back together with their mom, Ted becomes a victim of "Zabkatage," and Daphne becomes inexplicably upset with Marshall.
Two days before Barney
and Robin's wedding,
their reverend passed away,
and the search was on
for a replacement.
Oh, boy, it's the creepy, bug-eyed
minister from that culty church
who kept asking us if we're
"pure enough to die."
He's our best lead.
I should get this.
James, unless you have a minister,
I don't want to hear it.
You mean, like this one?
A few years back,
Barney's brother James finally
met his long-lost father, Sam,
who turned out to be a reverend.
I know pronounce
your asses saved.
Whoa!
Reverend Gibbs wouldn't
be the only VIP arrival that day.
Dad!
Barney. Oh, I can't believe
you're getting married.
You've grown up so fast.
Then again, I did miss about
30 years of your life.
Did I mention we got you two
things from your registry?
Hey, can we buy you
guys a drink in a bit?
Sure. We'll meet you at the bar.
Yeah.
- Here.
- All right.
Hey.
Oh. Whoa. Look.
My dad hasn't seen my mom in
years, not since he bailed on her.
Oh, man, take it from a fellow child
of divorce, this could get real messy.
Loretta, good to see you.
You, too, Jerry.
Wow.
Yeah. Thank
God, no drama.
They're in love!
My mom and dad are getting
back together again!
Uh-oh.
♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x10 ♪
Mom and Dad
Original Air Date on November 18, 2013
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
Hey, quick favor.
I want to give this to Robin.
Gretzky's her hero.
She says his name sometimes
in bed. I've accepted it.
Can you, uh, hide it for me
till the rehearsal dinner?
The best man is on it.
Great. Now I'm gonna go get
my mom and dad back together.
They're totally in love. I know.
It's amazing. I'm walking on air.
My family's gonna
be whole again!
Should we stop him or something?
The best man is staying
on the Gretzky thing.
♪ Well, I would walk 500 miles ♪
♪ And I would walk 500 more ♪
♪ Just to be the man who
walked a thousand miles ♪
♪ Then falls down at your door. ♪
Ha! You're right.
That crap grows on you.
- Again?
- Proclaim it!
Hey. So there I am, lying in the
wet, filthy sand under the patio,
just minding my own business,
when my dad bumps into my mom,
and he says-- get this--
he says to her, "Weather's
improving, huh?"
It's like, why don't you
just do it already? Huh?
Barney, I know you've always
dreamed of a reunited family, but...
Jerry's married.
So what? Marriage is just
a meaningless piece of paper.
I'm a lucky gal.
Sweetie, this just
isn't gonna happen.
Now, please promise me you haven't
already put some crazy scheme in motion.
I haven't put some crazy
scheme in motion.
Why did you pause?
- I didn't pause.
- Why did you pause?!
- Ah. Hey, there.
- Hi.
Barney texted me to meet him
ASAP, but the stairs are wet.
No, broken.
- Yeah, the stairs are broken.
- Yeah.
I got the same text.
Oh.
Barney, Jerry has a wife.
Oh, God, what did
you do to the wife?
So, my husband snuck off to go
parasailing, and he wants me to join him?
Yes.
Who is ready to rock it
Scottish-identical-
twin-brothers style?
♪ When I wake up
♪ Yeah, I know I'm gonna be ♪
♪ I'm gonna be the man
who ends up next to you... ♪
Oh, man, I hope they're not
singing to the same girl.
- Or to each other.
- Shut up! Music sucks!
Scotland sucks! You suck!
Just drive, pumpkin head.
Hey, guys, don't worry.
Help's on the way.
- Oh! Thank you, Barney.
- Thank you, honey.
In the meantime, I'll try to keep
you two as comfortable as possible.
♪ I said, bang...
- Well, we don't need wine.
♪ Bang
♪ Bangity bang...
We don't need champagne,
either. We need help!
This could be very unsafe!
Oh.
I'll say something.
- No. You've had a whole
lifetime of this. Let me. - Oh.
Barney, are you thinking you can get
your mother and me back together?
Because I'm married.
My wife is right upstairs!
No, she's not.
- What's that?
- Nothing!
I'm just trying
to keep you refreshed
through this unexpected and
flukish elevator malfunction!
Here's some water!
Ah... drat.
Clumsy hands much, Barney?
Just disrobe and send
up those wet clothes.
You'll be cold, so I'll send
down strawberry warming gel
and some cozy, zippered masks.
Ooh.
My calligraphy ink!
I mean, the Gretzky photo!
Some bastard snuck into my room
and spilled ink all over the Gretzky
photo I was holding for Barney.
Detective Mosby is on the case.
- Oh, God, that's horrible.
- I know. It was a gift for Robin.
No, I mean, "Oh, God, that's horrible.
Detective Mosby's the worst."
Mm, Detective Mosby is the case-crackingest
private dick on the scene.
Really? Like that case from eight
years ago you still haven't cracked?
I'm callin' it.
Damn it!
My greatest failure.
I will solve this case.
Now, there were three people nearby
when Barney gave me that head shot:
Karate Kid bad boy Billy Zabka,
a shifty-eyed bellhop,
and Robin's cousin Claude from
Quebec with the neck trouble.
Right, 'cause an elaborate
conspiracy is much more likely
than you leaving the photo
next to an open ink bottle.
- Thank you!
- You can't even detect sarcasm!
Why don't you just try to fix the photo?
Don't you have ink remover?
Of course I have ink remover.
I'm not one of those sloppy,
punk calligraphers who's in
it for glory over craft.
No, we got to solve this!
Now, the question is,
which of those three suspects
had the most cause to frame me?
The one that I replaced
as Barney's best man?
I'm coming for you, Mosby.
Billy Zabka!
Okay, real quick, I need
fresh-cut English lavender,
a copy of Shakespeare's
18th sonnet,
and enough Nutella to cover
a 60-year-old woman.
Oh, great. You guys escaped.
Got rescued!
- Are you okay?
- A bit shaken up.
Being trapped in an
elevator is scary.
No, Barney lowered in a TV showing
some pretty graphic 1970s pornography.
Still, a lot of familiar faces in there.
Well, not just faces.
I'm gonna go find my wife.
Nice job, bro.
Mom was just about to get some action for
the first time since she conceived me.
Barney, this has to stop.
You're being delusional.
Mom is not getting back
together with Jerry.
Because she's getting back
together with my daddy!
I see what you're doing.
You didn't bring your
dad here to marry us.
You want him to get back
together with Mom!
Which is completely
insane, by the way.
Um, my dad's single,
Mom's single.
Your dad's happily married with two kids.
Which one makes more sense?
I agree. It's a tie.
What do we do?
You back down and let me get
my mom and dad back together?
Um, how about you back down and let
me get my mom and dad back together?
I can already picture it.
♪ We're reunited and
we're going so strong ♪
♪ My wife died parasailing
and I've moved on ♪
♪ And now our Barney-boy
will always be near ♪
♪ I'll come to live with you
and it won't be weird ♪
Of course not, Wuv-Wuv!
♪ Back together and
forever we'll be ♪
♪ Mom
♪ And Dad
♪ And Barney makes three
We love you, champ!
♪ And I'll live here, too, since we're ♪
♪ married and I'm totally cool with it! ♪
That's completely insane.
This is how it's gonna be.
♪ We're reunited
and I'm feeling so glad ♪
♪ I'm so much sexier
than Barney's dad ♪
♪ Back together, now
our life's right on track ♪
♪ But she's banging my dad
behind your dad's back ♪
♪ When you're at work,
I'm all over her rack ♪
- ♪ That's not true ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
♪ That's not funny ♪
- ♪ Mom, break the news
- ♪ Okay, we're screwin' like bunnies ♪
- ♪ I'll kick your ass ♪
- ♪ I'd like to see you try ♪
♪ Well, my dad would
win in a fight ♪
♪ No, my dad would
win in a fight ♪
- ♪ No♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ My dad would win ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ In a fight♪
- ♪ Yeah! ♪
- No, my dad would win in a fight!
- Nuh-uh!
- Uh-huh!
- Don't fight!
- I'm marrying into this family.
- Stop. You stupid!
I'm not stupid.
Where the heck is this
parasailing place?
You know what? I'm gonna...
I'm gonna call Jerry.
Oh, that's weird. I just
lost cell reception.
Yes.
Weird.
Lot of pretty paintings
in this hotel.
I like how they've been...
framed.
I've noticed the vintage, antique,
gilded Victorian frames, too.
I'm not blind... but
what are you getting at?
You know damn well
what I'm getting at!
You're jealous I got the
Best Mansmanship back,
so you destroyed that photo as
part of some diabolical scheme
to make me look bad.
I bet you even found some
other photo of Wayne Gretzky
so you could swoop in
and save the day.
- You're insane.
- Am I?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Am I?
Where were you today
at 3:15 p.m.?
Right here getting a massage.
Rocked a 60-minute deep tish.
Now if you'll excuse
me, Detective,
I think I'll go have
some pineapple.
- How do you know about that?
- Everybody knows about that!
- Excuse me?
- Mm?
You destroyed that
photo, didn't you?
- No, I didn't.
- Admit it!
I complained about you to the bell
captain, so you got your revenge.
You complained about me?
No.
So, Claude...
I see that you're a
Montreal Canadiens fan.
Which means you hate
the Edmonton Oilers,
which is why you destroyed
the Wayne Gretzky head shot!
J'accuse!
C'est ridicule!
If it's so ridicule,
how do you explain this?
Ah, seems like
I've caught you...
midnight blue-handed.
- Oh, these.
- Yeah.
I-I was out by the water when...
an elderly R-Rastafarian
hang glider...
he-he crash
onto a beached squid,
which squirted ink
when I ran in to help.
You really expect
me to believe that?
Story checks out.
Sorry, Claude.
De rien.
I don't get it.
We were bonding.
I can't think of
anything I did wrong!
Okay, I did a few things wrong.
For the last time, I did not leave the
bag of oranges you bought on the roof!
No more breaking
the speed limit.
And, uh, thanks for flagging me down
and telling me she was going 67.
Just following the
rules, Officer.
Oh. She's also not
wearing her seat belt.
You are not allowed
to use that word!
Only we're allowed
to use that word!
I am so sorry.
I will never call you
or anyone else a...
Trekkie again.
But I apologized
and you accepted.
I even bought you more oranges.
Look, it wasn't you, okay?
Baby, I know your speech
at the Model U.N. is a big deal,
but I'm just not sure
I'll make it in time.
I'm trying.
You know what?
Don't bother coming.
So, back at the airport, that story
was true? You have a daughter?
She lives with her dad.
And since I travel for work,
I miss a lot of stuff.
I only work as hard as I
do to provide for her.
But kids, they don't
understand logic.
Kids understand who shows up.
That's why her dad's her hero...
and I get hung up on.
Go see your daughter's speech. If
you show up, all will be forgiven.
Just drop it.
And drop me at home.
Then head out to your wedding.
End of discussion.
Barney, even if
your plan worked,
you'd be destroying
your dad's marriage.
- Okay, you may have a point.
- Can I suggest something?
Truce?
We both agree to drop this.
Agreed.
- Hey, I got a replacement bottle
of 30-year Glen McKenna. - Okay.
Look, even if Mom never
gets back together
with either one of our dads,
we're still brothers.
It's not a competition.
I win!
Hoo-hoo!
Get your damn hands off my mom!
- Get your damn hands on my mom!
- One on, one off?
What the hell is going on here?
After you boys tracked Sam
down a few years back,
we got in touch. We became friends
again, started hanging out.
And then one day, she went
from being Loretta to being...
Lo-ret-ta.
We wanted to wait to tell
you because it's still new,
but it was inevitable you'd find out
once Sam came to perform the ceremony.
Is that what you two call it?
"Performing the ceremony"?
Oh, Sam's marrying
you tomorrow, dear.
Right. Thank you, Reverend.
Look, is there any way you guys
can be all right with this?
Of course I am!
Barney?
I know I've been acting
crazy today, but...
I just have one real question,
Mom, and I want an honest answer.
Is there a scenario--
and hear me out--
where you might consider doing kind of a
three-way deal with both of our dads?
- God! What is wrong with you?!
- Oh, dude, come on!
That's what I thought!
It's time to admit it, Ted.
You spilled the ink.
There's no conspiracy.
I guess you're right.
I mean, the only other person who
saw Barney give me that photo...
was you.
Hey. Idiot.
While you've been playing detective,
I've been cleaning up your mess.
Look, the ink remover works.
I'm gonna finish this.
You come clean to Barney.
Okay.
She's been missing all day,
a-and I found what appears to
be a-a suicide note on my bed.
But it doesn't really
sound like her.
"I'm going to kill my--
wait for it-- self."
Is everything okay
with Mr. Zabka?
Wait. W-Wait. Why do you
think that's Billy Zabka?
See? The man from the
lobby got this massage.
A younger gentleman bought
it for him as a gift.
He even signed his name for him.
Right here.
I'm telling all y'all...
it's Zabka-tage.
♪ I can't stand it, I
know you planned it ♪
♪ I'm gonna set it
straight, this Watergate ♪
♪ I can't stand rocking
when I'm in here ♪
♪ 'Cause your crystal ball
ain't so crystal clear ♪
♪ So while you sit back
and wonder why ♪
♪ I got this...
thorn in my side ♪
Lily's second tackle
of the weekend.
♪ Sabotage.
Wakey, wakey.
- Wait, this isn't...
- It's your daughter's school.
- You need to go in.
- She asked me not to come, Marshall.
This doesn't make any sense.
Kids don't understand logic.
Kids understand who shows up.
People say children
are the future.
I say...
oil is the future!
Don't listen to these gutless
environmental sissies!
- That's my baby.
- Drill in the oceans!
- Drill in the wetlands!
- Thank you.
- Drill in the national parks!
- Pumpkin head.
You're welcome.
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
- Drill, baby, drill!
- We should go.
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
You said it was nuts to think that my
mom and dad would get back together.
But that's what happened for James. I've
been dreaming of that since I was five.
Well, that and my own
operational Death Star.
But mostly them getting
back together.
Why does James get
it and I don't?
Well, think about it.
You have me, your
dad has Cheryl...
"So to summarize:
"I'm super dead, you should
totally bone Loretta,
"and I never loved you, Cheryl,"
which is misspelled.
...but James is going through a divorce.
He just lost his family.
I-I know you've been
dreaming of this, but...
maybe he needs "Mom and
Dad" more than you.
So, Billy, did you really think
you could get away with it?
- Actually, I did.
- Ah.
I was gonna give this to Barney
and say I'd driven an hour away to get a
replacement from an autograph dealer.
First, I needed an alibi.
So I got Barney's dad a massage
but signed in my name.
Then I switched the Gretzky
head shot with one of myself.
I always travel with 2,000 of those
handsome devils in the trunk of my car.
I have so many questions
for you, but first...
you keep 2,000 head shots
of yourself in your trunk?
No one ever wants them! They only
want the "good guy's" autograph!
In the '80s, I was the
bad guy in every movie.
Do you know what my life
has been like?
Every premiere, when
I came on-screen...
I wasn't a bad guy in real
life, just a kick-ass actor.
No one got that.
It happened everywhere I went.
Somehow, people
always had popcorn.
25 years of getting
crane-kicked in the nuts,
until Barney Stinson gave me
the best moment of my life.
Hey. Hey, some issues just
came up with Ted, so...
will you be my best man?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
- Hello?
- Mom?
No, no, listen, listen.
I just became
somebody's best man.
You can come to
Thanksgiving this year!
To Barney Stinson,
I wasn't a bad guy.
To Barney Stinson,
I was the best man.
I thought if Ted screwed up
again, I'd have another shot.
But I guess this time I
really was the bad guy.
Hey, Ted, what's so urgent?
I have something to tell you.
I destroyed that Gretzky head
shot and I couldn't fix it.
Billy saved the day by getting a new
one from an autograph dealer nearby.
- A-An hour away.
- An hour away. Just be cool.
Awesome. Thanks, Billy!
Ah.
And, Ted...
I really appreciate that
you told the truth.
Ow...
Psych!
Billy rules, Ted
drools, Stinson out.
You're all right, Mosby.
And for an all too rare
moment that weekend,
everything was all right.
♪ Bang bang
- Um, Barney?
♪ Bangity bang
Is this your way of saying
you're supporting us?
Yes! Go for it.
♪ I said bang
Consummate your love!
- Thanks, bro.
♪ Bang
- But this is super weird.
♪ Bangity bang
Super weird.
♪ Bang bang.
Are we almost there?
Almost there.
Give me back my wife,
you son of a bitch!
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
and Robin's wedding,
their reverend passed away,
and the search was on
for a replacement.
Oh, boy, it's the creepy, bug-eyed
minister from that culty church
who kept asking us if we're
"pure enough to die."
He's our best lead.
I should get this.
James, unless you have a minister,
I don't want to hear it.
You mean, like this one?
A few years back,
Barney's brother James finally
met his long-lost father, Sam,
who turned out to be a reverend.
I know pronounce
your asses saved.
Whoa!
Reverend Gibbs wouldn't
be the only VIP arrival that day.
Dad!
Barney. Oh, I can't believe
you're getting married.
You've grown up so fast.
Then again, I did miss about
30 years of your life.
Did I mention we got you two
things from your registry?
Hey, can we buy you
guys a drink in a bit?
Sure. We'll meet you at the bar.
Yeah.
- Here.
- All right.
Hey.
Oh. Whoa. Look.
My dad hasn't seen my mom in
years, not since he bailed on her.
Oh, man, take it from a fellow child
of divorce, this could get real messy.
Loretta, good to see you.
You, too, Jerry.
Wow.
Yeah. Thank
God, no drama.
They're in love!
My mom and dad are getting
back together again!
Uh-oh.
♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x10 ♪
Mom and Dad
Original Air Date on November 18, 2013
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
Hey, quick favor.
I want to give this to Robin.
Gretzky's her hero.
She says his name sometimes
in bed. I've accepted it.
Can you, uh, hide it for me
till the rehearsal dinner?
The best man is on it.
Great. Now I'm gonna go get
my mom and dad back together.
They're totally in love. I know.
It's amazing. I'm walking on air.
My family's gonna
be whole again!
Should we stop him or something?
The best man is staying
on the Gretzky thing.
♪ Well, I would walk 500 miles ♪
♪ And I would walk 500 more ♪
♪ Just to be the man who
walked a thousand miles ♪
♪ Then falls down at your door. ♪
Ha! You're right.
That crap grows on you.
- Again?
- Proclaim it!
Hey. So there I am, lying in the
wet, filthy sand under the patio,
just minding my own business,
when my dad bumps into my mom,
and he says-- get this--
he says to her, "Weather's
improving, huh?"
It's like, why don't you
just do it already? Huh?
Barney, I know you've always
dreamed of a reunited family, but...
Jerry's married.
So what? Marriage is just
a meaningless piece of paper.
I'm a lucky gal.
Sweetie, this just
isn't gonna happen.
Now, please promise me you haven't
already put some crazy scheme in motion.
I haven't put some crazy
scheme in motion.
Why did you pause?
- I didn't pause.
- Why did you pause?!
- Ah. Hey, there.
- Hi.
Barney texted me to meet him
ASAP, but the stairs are wet.
No, broken.
- Yeah, the stairs are broken.
- Yeah.
I got the same text.
Oh.
Barney, Jerry has a wife.
Oh, God, what did
you do to the wife?
So, my husband snuck off to go
parasailing, and he wants me to join him?
Yes.
Who is ready to rock it
Scottish-identical-
twin-brothers style?
♪ When I wake up
♪ Yeah, I know I'm gonna be ♪
♪ I'm gonna be the man
who ends up next to you... ♪
Oh, man, I hope they're not
singing to the same girl.
- Or to each other.
- Shut up! Music sucks!
Scotland sucks! You suck!
Just drive, pumpkin head.
Hey, guys, don't worry.
Help's on the way.
- Oh! Thank you, Barney.
- Thank you, honey.
In the meantime, I'll try to keep
you two as comfortable as possible.
♪ I said, bang...
- Well, we don't need wine.
♪ Bang
♪ Bangity bang...
We don't need champagne,
either. We need help!
This could be very unsafe!
Oh.
I'll say something.
- No. You've had a whole
lifetime of this. Let me. - Oh.
Barney, are you thinking you can get
your mother and me back together?
Because I'm married.
My wife is right upstairs!
No, she's not.
- What's that?
- Nothing!
I'm just trying
to keep you refreshed
through this unexpected and
flukish elevator malfunction!
Here's some water!
Ah... drat.
Clumsy hands much, Barney?
Just disrobe and send
up those wet clothes.
You'll be cold, so I'll send
down strawberry warming gel
and some cozy, zippered masks.
Ooh.
My calligraphy ink!
I mean, the Gretzky photo!
Some bastard snuck into my room
and spilled ink all over the Gretzky
photo I was holding for Barney.
Detective Mosby is on the case.
- Oh, God, that's horrible.
- I know. It was a gift for Robin.
No, I mean, "Oh, God, that's horrible.
Detective Mosby's the worst."
Mm, Detective Mosby is the case-crackingest
private dick on the scene.
Really? Like that case from eight
years ago you still haven't cracked?
I'm callin' it.
Damn it!
My greatest failure.
I will solve this case.
Now, there were three people nearby
when Barney gave me that head shot:
Karate Kid bad boy Billy Zabka,
a shifty-eyed bellhop,
and Robin's cousin Claude from
Quebec with the neck trouble.
Right, 'cause an elaborate
conspiracy is much more likely
than you leaving the photo
next to an open ink bottle.
- Thank you!
- You can't even detect sarcasm!
Why don't you just try to fix the photo?
Don't you have ink remover?
Of course I have ink remover.
I'm not one of those sloppy,
punk calligraphers who's in
it for glory over craft.
No, we got to solve this!
Now, the question is,
which of those three suspects
had the most cause to frame me?
The one that I replaced
as Barney's best man?
I'm coming for you, Mosby.
Billy Zabka!
Okay, real quick, I need
fresh-cut English lavender,
a copy of Shakespeare's
18th sonnet,
and enough Nutella to cover
a 60-year-old woman.
Oh, great. You guys escaped.
Got rescued!
- Are you okay?
- A bit shaken up.
Being trapped in an
elevator is scary.
No, Barney lowered in a TV showing
some pretty graphic 1970s pornography.
Still, a lot of familiar faces in there.
Well, not just faces.
I'm gonna go find my wife.
Nice job, bro.
Mom was just about to get some action for
the first time since she conceived me.
Barney, this has to stop.
You're being delusional.
Mom is not getting back
together with Jerry.
Because she's getting back
together with my daddy!
I see what you're doing.
You didn't bring your
dad here to marry us.
You want him to get back
together with Mom!
Which is completely
insane, by the way.
Um, my dad's single,
Mom's single.
Your dad's happily married with two kids.
Which one makes more sense?
I agree. It's a tie.
What do we do?
You back down and let me get
my mom and dad back together?
Um, how about you back down and let
me get my mom and dad back together?
I can already picture it.
♪ We're reunited and
we're going so strong ♪
♪ My wife died parasailing
and I've moved on ♪
♪ And now our Barney-boy
will always be near ♪
♪ I'll come to live with you
and it won't be weird ♪
Of course not, Wuv-Wuv!
♪ Back together and
forever we'll be ♪
♪ Mom
♪ And Dad
♪ And Barney makes three
We love you, champ!
♪ And I'll live here, too, since we're ♪
♪ married and I'm totally cool with it! ♪
That's completely insane.
This is how it's gonna be.
♪ We're reunited
and I'm feeling so glad ♪
♪ I'm so much sexier
than Barney's dad ♪
♪ Back together, now
our life's right on track ♪
♪ But she's banging my dad
behind your dad's back ♪
♪ When you're at work,
I'm all over her rack ♪
- ♪ That's not true ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
♪ That's not funny ♪
- ♪ Mom, break the news
- ♪ Okay, we're screwin' like bunnies ♪
- ♪ I'll kick your ass ♪
- ♪ I'd like to see you try ♪
♪ Well, my dad would
win in a fight ♪
♪ No, my dad would
win in a fight ♪
- ♪ No♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ My dad would win ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ In a fight♪
- ♪ Yeah! ♪
- No, my dad would win in a fight!
- Nuh-uh!
- Uh-huh!
- Don't fight!
- I'm marrying into this family.
- Stop. You stupid!
I'm not stupid.
Where the heck is this
parasailing place?
You know what? I'm gonna...
I'm gonna call Jerry.
Oh, that's weird. I just
lost cell reception.
Yes.
Weird.
Lot of pretty paintings
in this hotel.
I like how they've been...
framed.
I've noticed the vintage, antique,
gilded Victorian frames, too.
I'm not blind... but
what are you getting at?
You know damn well
what I'm getting at!
You're jealous I got the
Best Mansmanship back,
so you destroyed that photo as
part of some diabolical scheme
to make me look bad.
I bet you even found some
other photo of Wayne Gretzky
so you could swoop in
and save the day.
- You're insane.
- Am I?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Am I?
Where were you today
at 3:15 p.m.?
Right here getting a massage.
Rocked a 60-minute deep tish.
Now if you'll excuse
me, Detective,
I think I'll go have
some pineapple.
- How do you know about that?
- Everybody knows about that!
- Excuse me?
- Mm?
You destroyed that
photo, didn't you?
- No, I didn't.
- Admit it!
I complained about you to the bell
captain, so you got your revenge.
You complained about me?
No.
So, Claude...
I see that you're a
Montreal Canadiens fan.
Which means you hate
the Edmonton Oilers,
which is why you destroyed
the Wayne Gretzky head shot!
J'accuse!
C'est ridicule!
If it's so ridicule,
how do you explain this?
Ah, seems like
I've caught you...
midnight blue-handed.
- Oh, these.
- Yeah.
I-I was out by the water when...
an elderly R-Rastafarian
hang glider...
he-he crash
onto a beached squid,
which squirted ink
when I ran in to help.
You really expect
me to believe that?
Story checks out.
Sorry, Claude.
De rien.
I don't get it.
We were bonding.
I can't think of
anything I did wrong!
Okay, I did a few things wrong.
For the last time, I did not leave the
bag of oranges you bought on the roof!
No more breaking
the speed limit.
And, uh, thanks for flagging me down
and telling me she was going 67.
Just following the
rules, Officer.
Oh. She's also not
wearing her seat belt.
You are not allowed
to use that word!
Only we're allowed
to use that word!
I am so sorry.
I will never call you
or anyone else a...
Trekkie again.
But I apologized
and you accepted.
I even bought you more oranges.
Look, it wasn't you, okay?
Baby, I know your speech
at the Model U.N. is a big deal,
but I'm just not sure
I'll make it in time.
I'm trying.
You know what?
Don't bother coming.
So, back at the airport, that story
was true? You have a daughter?
She lives with her dad.
And since I travel for work,
I miss a lot of stuff.
I only work as hard as I
do to provide for her.
But kids, they don't
understand logic.
Kids understand who shows up.
That's why her dad's her hero...
and I get hung up on.
Go see your daughter's speech. If
you show up, all will be forgiven.
Just drop it.
And drop me at home.
Then head out to your wedding.
End of discussion.
Barney, even if
your plan worked,
you'd be destroying
your dad's marriage.
- Okay, you may have a point.
- Can I suggest something?
Truce?
We both agree to drop this.
Agreed.
- Hey, I got a replacement bottle
of 30-year Glen McKenna. - Okay.
Look, even if Mom never
gets back together
with either one of our dads,
we're still brothers.
It's not a competition.
I win!
Hoo-hoo!
Get your damn hands off my mom!
- Get your damn hands on my mom!
- One on, one off?
What the hell is going on here?
After you boys tracked Sam
down a few years back,
we got in touch. We became friends
again, started hanging out.
And then one day, she went
from being Loretta to being...
Lo-ret-ta.
We wanted to wait to tell
you because it's still new,
but it was inevitable you'd find out
once Sam came to perform the ceremony.
Is that what you two call it?
"Performing the ceremony"?
Oh, Sam's marrying
you tomorrow, dear.
Right. Thank you, Reverend.
Look, is there any way you guys
can be all right with this?
Of course I am!
Barney?
I know I've been acting
crazy today, but...
I just have one real question,
Mom, and I want an honest answer.
Is there a scenario--
and hear me out--
where you might consider doing kind of a
three-way deal with both of our dads?
- God! What is wrong with you?!
- Oh, dude, come on!
That's what I thought!
It's time to admit it, Ted.
You spilled the ink.
There's no conspiracy.
I guess you're right.
I mean, the only other person who
saw Barney give me that photo...
was you.
Hey. Idiot.
While you've been playing detective,
I've been cleaning up your mess.
Look, the ink remover works.
I'm gonna finish this.
You come clean to Barney.
Okay.
She's been missing all day,
a-and I found what appears to
be a-a suicide note on my bed.
But it doesn't really
sound like her.
"I'm going to kill my--
wait for it-- self."
Is everything okay
with Mr. Zabka?
Wait. W-Wait. Why do you
think that's Billy Zabka?
See? The man from the
lobby got this massage.
A younger gentleman bought
it for him as a gift.
He even signed his name for him.
Right here.
I'm telling all y'all...
it's Zabka-tage.
♪ I can't stand it, I
know you planned it ♪
♪ I'm gonna set it
straight, this Watergate ♪
♪ I can't stand rocking
when I'm in here ♪
♪ 'Cause your crystal ball
ain't so crystal clear ♪
♪ So while you sit back
and wonder why ♪
♪ I got this...
thorn in my side ♪
Lily's second tackle
of the weekend.
♪ Sabotage.
Wakey, wakey.
- Wait, this isn't...
- It's your daughter's school.
- You need to go in.
- She asked me not to come, Marshall.
This doesn't make any sense.
Kids don't understand logic.
Kids understand who shows up.
People say children
are the future.
I say...
oil is the future!
Don't listen to these gutless
environmental sissies!
- That's my baby.
- Drill in the oceans!
- Drill in the wetlands!
- Thank you.
- Drill in the national parks!
- Pumpkin head.
You're welcome.
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
- Drill, baby, drill!
- We should go.
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
You said it was nuts to think that my
mom and dad would get back together.
But that's what happened for James. I've
been dreaming of that since I was five.
Well, that and my own
operational Death Star.
But mostly them getting
back together.
Why does James get
it and I don't?
Well, think about it.
You have me, your
dad has Cheryl...
"So to summarize:
"I'm super dead, you should
totally bone Loretta,
"and I never loved you, Cheryl,"
which is misspelled.
...but James is going through a divorce.
He just lost his family.
I-I know you've been
dreaming of this, but...
maybe he needs "Mom and
Dad" more than you.
So, Billy, did you really think
you could get away with it?
- Actually, I did.
- Ah.
I was gonna give this to Barney
and say I'd driven an hour away to get a
replacement from an autograph dealer.
First, I needed an alibi.
So I got Barney's dad a massage
but signed in my name.
Then I switched the Gretzky
head shot with one of myself.
I always travel with 2,000 of those
handsome devils in the trunk of my car.
I have so many questions
for you, but first...
you keep 2,000 head shots
of yourself in your trunk?
No one ever wants them! They only
want the "good guy's" autograph!
In the '80s, I was the
bad guy in every movie.
Do you know what my life
has been like?
Every premiere, when
I came on-screen...
I wasn't a bad guy in real
life, just a kick-ass actor.
No one got that.
It happened everywhere I went.
Somehow, people
always had popcorn.
25 years of getting
crane-kicked in the nuts,
until Barney Stinson gave me
the best moment of my life.
Hey. Hey, some issues just
came up with Ted, so...
will you be my best man?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
- Hello?
- Mom?
No, no, listen, listen.
I just became
somebody's best man.
You can come to
Thanksgiving this year!
To Barney Stinson,
I wasn't a bad guy.
To Barney Stinson,
I was the best man.
I thought if Ted screwed up
again, I'd have another shot.
But I guess this time I
really was the bad guy.
Hey, Ted, what's so urgent?
I have something to tell you.
I destroyed that Gretzky head
shot and I couldn't fix it.
Billy saved the day by getting a new
one from an autograph dealer nearby.
- A-An hour away.
- An hour away. Just be cool.
Awesome. Thanks, Billy!
Ah.
And, Ted...
I really appreciate that
you told the truth.
Ow...
Psych!
Billy rules, Ted
drools, Stinson out.
You're all right, Mosby.
And for an all too rare
moment that weekend,
everything was all right.
♪ Bang bang
- Um, Barney?
♪ Bangity bang
Is this your way of saying
you're supporting us?
Yes! Go for it.
♪ I said bang
Consummate your love!
- Thanks, bro.
♪ Bang
- But this is super weird.
♪ Bangity bang
Super weird.
♪ Bang bang.
Are we almost there?
Almost there.
Give me back my wife,
you son of a bitch!
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther