How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 8, Episode 9 - Lobster Crawl - full transcript

Well, it's come to this-- we're
drinking with our baby in a bar.

It is not a bar.

It's a restaurant that
happens to have a bar.

Ergo, we are good parents.

Unrelated: I'm getting
faced right now.

Papa needs a grease coat.

While it is
heartwarming to watch

your firstborn teethe
on a jalapeA?o popper,

wasn't Mickey
gonna watch him today?

My dad's out all week.

He's got the sniffles.

For someone who's survived
numerous beatings

from loan sharks, he has

a surprisingly
delicate constitution.

Well, my semester's over

and the GNB building
is finally done.

If you guys want,
I'm free to watch Marvin.

I'm meeting
with a headhunter

next week to line up

my next project,
but until then, what the hell?

Ted, although a "what
the hell" attitude is

incredibly sought
after in a babysitter,

I think that Lily
and Marshall...

You're hired.

Now that we've been

parents for awhile,
we realize

that pretty much any moron
can take care of a baby.

Thank you.

Mine!

Ow.

Delicious and mine.

They do look yummy
yum-yum, mister.

No. No!

What have I done?!

I am so sorry, Cornelius.

You deserve
a better end than this!

You got ketchup
on a red tie.

You can't even see it.

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Clear!

I'm going in.

Oh, my...

Damn it, guys,
we lost him.

And he was so close
to retirement.

Just this morning
he said to me,

"I'm getting too old
for this shirt."

I know, dude.

Oh, my God.

You are such
a good folder.

That's, like, The Gap good.

Robin...

...let's go hit the bar.

At this restaurant.

I think they have a bar here.

Okay, what was that?
What was what?

The "dumb cheerleader flirting
with the quarterback" thing.

You looked like
you were gonna

chase Barney down with

a sixer of watermelon
wine coolers.

First of all, those bad girls
come in fourskis.

And second, why would I
be flirting with Barney?

I'm not interested in him,
and I made that very clear.

With something that I did.

Recently.

Just spill it.

The other week,
Barney made a move,

but I turned him down.

I felt awful for closing
the door in his face,

but he realized I was right.

I'm done trying to get you.

I can't do it anymore.

And now I get it.
Get what?

You may have closed the door
on Barney, but he locked it.

What? No, he didn't.

Yeah, he got the last word,

and now you want

what you can't have,
like you always do.

It's the classic
lobster situation.

I'm afraid
you're allergic to lobster.

You can never, ever, ever
have it.

Oh, this... is... delicious.

Once you learned
you couldn't have lobster,

you became obsessed.

Barney's the same thing.

And this is gonna
blow up in your face,

just like the lobster
blew up your face.

Wrong.
This is nothing like lobster.

Okay.

Just remember, you can never
hook up with Barney again.

That's fine.
Never.

Ever, ever, ever, ever.

aTS How I Met Your Mother 8x09 aTS
Lobster Crawl
Original Air Date on December 3, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Oh, no.

Marshall, Lily and
Ted can't make it,

for viable reasons
I just learned

via this text message
I accidentally deleted.

Guess it's just gonna be
you and me.

Fine by me.

Me, too. Totally.

Supafine.

Hey there, Scherbats,
your voice of reason here.

What you doing?

I hope you don't mind,

but I was hungry, so I ordered
MacLaren's new special.

I couldn't eat lunch at work
because they ordered

Thai food.

I miss you, Cornelius!

Oh, my God.

You're so sensitive.

And deep.

No. You're better than this.

Barney is not like lobster.

Okay, that's unfortunate,
but it doesn't mean

you have to hook up
with Barney.

Whoa!

God, you said that out loud!

No, I didn't.

How would you know?
You're out of control.

Oh, you think you're so smart,
don't you, bitch?

Um, billion-dollar idea alert.

Why should bibs
only be socially acceptable

when you're eating lobster?

If we could wear them
all the time,

then Corny would still be

with us right now.

I miss...

Picture a bib
that looks like your suit:

a collar, a tie, a jacket.

Mm-hmm.

Atta girl. Keep it cool.

I could call them Brobibs!

That's interesting.

Yeah, you got this.

I'm sorry I called you a bitch.

What do you think?

Oh, that idea's amazeballs!

That's it. I'm out of here.

I'm out of control.

I came this close

to telling Barney
that I wanted him.

Robin, as your friend,
I got to be honest.

I think this Brobibs thing
is a frickin' gold mine.

What? No.

Lily, I really need advice.

Okay.

Invest now.

Seriously, it's like Apple
at ten dollars a share.

Lily, please.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm just,
I'm a little distracted.

I-I got to get upstairs

and check on
Ted and Marvin.

Can we please just talk about
this Brobib thing another time?

How was your day?

Good, although I think
I just saw a woman

with a full beard outside.

Marvin crawled!

What?

He's never done that before.

I know!

I think I just saw a guy
with breasts outside.

Marvin crawled.

I can't believe it.
Believe it.

I took a video for you.

You're doing it, Marvin.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Oh!

Your Uncle Ted is so proud.

Whoops.

Guess I had the camera flipped.

I use it to
check my teeth for debris.

Ooh, sounds like
somebody's "crawling" me.

Oh, sweetie, oh, come on.

Lil, listen, so we missed
the first time he crawled.

So what?

We'll see it the
next time, I promise.

Oh, my God,
he just did it again!

Guys, get in here!
Marvin can't stop crawling!

He's Holden Crawl-field!

Get in here right now--
nope, nope, it's over.

Okay, hey, I know.

Baby, I know, I know.

But, listen, there will be
plenty of other Marvin firsts.

His first day
at school,

his first trip to meet Santa,

his first
touchdown pass for

the 2032 Super Bowl champion
Vikings-- no pressure.

I'll love him even if he runs
the ball into the end zone.

So can we please just let
this crawling thing go?

Yeah, okay. You're right.

I mean, I'm being nuts.

We'll see it when we see it.

Yeah.

Do it.

If you ever want to
see these boobs again,

crawl, you son of a me.

Come on, Lil.

You know what they say:
a watched tot never crawls.

Or calls you later in life,

after it sees
this disturbing footage.

Hey, Lily, Marshall.

Uh, Lily, we need to talk.

Oh, that sounds serious!

Oh, you guys should
talk about it

down at the bar
until after Marvin's asleep.

And if you want to
stay down there until

after SportsCenter's over,
that's fine, too.

Ooh.

Keep shooting.

If you miss it,
I'm leaving you.

Yeah, that seems
about right.

Sorry if I'm
bad company.

I'm not sure anything is gonna

take my mind off of missing
Marvin's first crawl.

Lily, I've had a revelation.

Brobibs for women.

Bitchbibs!

You know Barney's gonna sue us,

but damn it,
let's just go for it.

No, Lily, this is serious.

When that doctor told me
I couldn't eat lobster

and I did it anyway,
it almost killed me.

But here's the thing:

I never wanted lobster again.

So the solution is obvious.

The only way to get
Barney out of my system

is to get him into my system,
one last time.

It's brilliant, right?

Not brilliant at all.

Thanks for being on board.
Not on board.

It means a lot.
Big mistake.

You're my girl.

Now it's just a question
of how to get him...

Hey, Robin,
I just got your text.

What's the big emergency?

Hi, Barney!

You seem like you run fast.

Do you want me to fan you
with my US magazine?

He's fine.
Thanks, Patrice.

Oh, thank goodness you're here.

I just got this
new printer,

and I need somebody
big and strong

to take it to my office for me.

I promise to repay you.

We'll do it
for you, Robin!

Don't you have a late-breaking
weather story to cover, Brandi?

Oh, I did it already.

It rained.

Oh, I got to jump on

a big Brobibs
conference call.

The lawyer from Dude Aprons
is really busting my balls.

See ya.

Nobody asked
for your help, Patrice!

You either, Brandi!

Stop it.

Hey, hey.

What are you guys doing
slobbering all over my friend?

Oh, Barney, don't be jealous.

If you're gonna drool,
do it in style!

We've got every look
in the book.

The Business Casual.

The Preppy.

The Robin Williams.

Bib up!

Brobibs is in no way
affiliated with,

inspired by or derivative of
Dude Aprons.

Hey, there.

Hey!

It is so good to see you.

Thanks, Robin.

This game affects my
league score.

Look, I don't agree
with your lobster quest,

but I can't stand watching you
make a fool of yourself.

You want the fix?
I got the fix.

Back in college...

it was love at first sight
for me and Marshall,

but when it came to making
the first move, well,

he needed help.

So I took matters
into my own hands.

aTS

Let's get
out of here.

You just need a girl
who, I don't know,

gets a few drinks in her
and wants to have fun

and put on a show.
Mm-hmm.

And it drives guys crazy,
'cause you both

don't even care.

It's just stupid and fun.

Lily, that sounds perfect.
Thank you.

Mm. Just stupid.

Stupid and fun.

Who the hell is that?

Hey, guys.

Barney, this is Brandi,
my fun friend from work,

who just doesn't even care.

Hello, Brandi.

Congratulations on the gig.

Aw, thank you!

World Wide News is
an amazing place to work.

Not that gig, sweetheart.

Marshall!

What? Ow.

It's late.

I'm so tipsy.

It is late.
We should get out of here.

So, Brandi, ever sneak
into the studio

and do it in front of
the weather map?

No. Why do you ask?

No reason.

Someone is about to get
unseasonably banged.

Damn it!

What did I do wrong?

Nothing. It was awesome.
Oh, Marshall, let's go!

Hey.
Hey, Lilypad!

So, don't be upset.

Ted...

took Marvin shopping

and sort of bought him...

all his winter clothes.

Get ready

for our star runway model--

or should I say,
our star crawlway model.

He's doing it again, guys!
Get in here!

N-No-no, it's over.

That's it. Ted's fired.

Fired? No, c-come on, Lily,
he's helping us out.

Plus, next week,
your dad'll be back,

and Ted has the meeting
with that headhunter.

Let's just stay cool.

Starting at quarterback,

the pride of Cleveland...

Marvin Eriksen!
Right?

Right, guys? He's gonna be
a little Browns fan.

Oh, by the way, I cancelled that
meeting with the headhunter,

so I can take care
of Marvin next week.

What? No, no, my dad'll
be better by then.

Oh, I gave Mickey the month off.

It's supposed to snow, and, uh,
Uncle Ted doesn't want to miss

Marvin's first sleigh ride.

You're fired.
You're fired.

Marvin has a bib with little...
little dinosaurs on it.

Maybe you should
make one like that.

Brobibs are for grown men
wearing bibs, Ted.

I don't want them
looking like idiots.

Lily, Marshall, you know you
can't keep him away from me.

He's gonna start
asking questions.

Calm down, Ted.

We-we just wanted
to apologize.

We overreacted before.

Mm-hmm.

Meet us

at the swim class you
apparently signed Marvin up for.

Bubble Buddies?
I'd love t...

I mean, I'll have
to check my skedge.

Sorry. When I'm excited,

I abbreviate words I shouldn't.

Come on, Ted,

what do you say?

Fab. Perf.

Sorry.

See you at B-Buds.

Bubble Buddies. Sorry.

Augie. Jayden.

Dylan. Girl Dylan.

Hey, Ted.
Hey. Where's Marvin?

Does Coach Amber have him
warming up in the Jacooz?

Sorry again.

Aw, hey, buddy, listen,
we wanted to talk to you

about how you've kind of been
overdoing it with Marvin.

I haven't been overdoing it.

Ted, we're in
a baby swim class,

and clearly you've
done something extreme

to get the naming rights
to that lollipop bin.

But I-I think that we've

figured out what's
going on with you.

See, after we
let you go...

What is this?

Marvin's Book of Firsts?

Ted took Marvin
to see Santa?!

Oh, I am gonna
take this book

and I'm gonna shove it
so far up his...

The point is,
it made us remember

another scrapbook you made.

That project really
was your baby,

and now it's over, and
you're scared to move on.

I poured my blood, sweat
and tears into that building.

Though, to be fair,
a lot of that happened

the day I accidentally fell
down the elevator shaft.

Mm.

The point is,

it's just really hard to let go.

Especially when that building's
my biggest accomplishment.

I mean,

maybe if I was where
you guys are at in life,

with all you have
to be proud of...

We get it, okay?

You're always gonna be
Uncle Ted.

But if Marvin

can't be your next project,

you need one of your own,

and so we rescheduled
your meeting with that headhunter.

He's over there.

Which one is he?

Thanks, guys.

Marvin and I are lucky
you're our parents.

Aw.

Oh, hey, Ted?

It's kind of a big,
professional meeting--

you might want to trade out
that lollipop

for a shirt.
Yeah.

I'll just give it to one of these kids.
Oh, buddy.

What?
You're half naked,

you're not a parent to
any of these children--

don't offer 'em candy.

I can't believe Barney
went home with Brandi.

I should have asked you
to do that play with me.

Well, it's too late now,
isn't it?

There he is. Straddle me.
Start grinding.

Nothing's off-limits.

So, last night

Brandi and I got
to the WWN studios,

and my high-pressure system

was ready to slam
into her warm front.

The studio's unlocked,

the weather map's up--

ready to do it in 17
different states at once?

Um, actually...

I don't think I want that.

I'm sorry.

I'm-I'm...

I'm gonna go.

Wait, you didn't
sleep with her?

Nope.

I spent the night
thinking about

how everything I've done
since Quinn and I broke up

has been a cry for help.

Dressing a dog up like me,

hooking up with
all those nannies...

Brobibs?
No, those are solid.

I still want in.

And I realized that...
I'm searching,

searching for what
I really want in life,

and you know what?

I have absolutely
no idea what that is.

Wow.

Barney...
But...

I'm going
to figure it out.

I have to.

Good night, guys.

God, I feel awful.

Barney is

going through something big,

and I've been obsessing
about one stupid final hookup

to get him out of my system.

He needs space...

and time to figure things out.

And I have to give it to him.

Robin? What are you doing here?
It's okay

if you don't know
what you want in life...

...as long as you know
what you want...

tonight.

Well...

I do know what I want.

Hi, Robin!

Nobody asked you
here, Patrice!

Actually, I did.

Last night.

Let me go see if
the studio's open.

All right.

Oh, hi, Barney.

I'm working late.

What are you doing here?

I'm...

I don't know what
I'm doing... here.

Barney... I don't know
you that well, but...

are you okay?

Yeah. What do you mean?

Well, whenever I see
someone unhappy,

I get the urge
to give them cookies,

and I really want
to give you cookies right now.

Cookie?

Lame. No, thanks.

You sure?
They're heart-shaped.

Sorry, a couple
of them are broken.

I know how they feel.
I'd love one.

After that,
I sent Brandi packing,

and Patrice and I
talked all night.

We're...

kind of on a
date right now.

But if you'd like
to throw on some clothes

and join us for Crazy Eights...

I can deal you in!

My deck has puppies on it!

Arf-arf!

Um...

I...

got to go.

Look, I still feel bad
I went too far

with all the Marvin firsts--
the Santa thing, especially.

I mean,
I should've known.

Are you sure
you guys forgive me?

Absolutely.
Don't worry, no grudges.

Great.
Next round's on me.

Coming, honey!

Okay, you guys have
all the numbers-- my cell,

the restaurant,
Center for Disease Control?

She's with her Aunt Lily
and Uncle Marshall.

Nothing's gonna happen.

You're right.

You're totally right.

Okay...

Bye, sweetie.

Here, you...

Mm...

Get out of here, ya crazy.
Would you get out of here already.

Who's ready to meet Santa?

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

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Napisy zostaly specjalnie dopasowane do Twojej wersji filmu.