How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 8, Episode 3 - Nannies - full transcript

Kids, October of 2012...

kicked off the autumn of breakups.

And Barney, having broken
his engagement with Quinn...

was slowly trying to pick himself back up.

Welcome to Bangtoberfest!

Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt.

I'm back!

Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt.

I'm single again.

Sorry about your eye.

I'm available.

“Bangtoberfest.

This time it's really not personal.”

Barney, you just Went
through some really big emotional stuff.

You need to give yourself
some time to heal.

Robin, I spent seven grand on merch.
This is happening.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hello, Marshall.

So Lily's dad just showed up
two days ago unannounced.

Remember when I bought
all those Mexican fireworks...

so I'd never have to buy
Christmas presents again?

Oh, God. You blew up the house.

Wha-Blew up the house?

Oh, no. Nothing like that. No.

No, the fireworks blew up the garage.
The house burned down.

Holy frijoles! Do I smell brownies?

We covered that fire on the news.

I had no idea “Naked Man
Runs Back into Inferno...

to Rescue Potato Salad” was Mickey.

My hour's up. Your turn, Marshall.

Oh, no.

Baby Marvin, did you just go poo-poo?

Craziest thing.
He just Went poo-poo this very second.

Hmm. Are you sure this poo-poo
didn't happen on your Watch...

and you just ran out the clock
until it was my problem?

Oh! Yeah, right.

What kind of mother
lets her son sit in his own filth...

for an extra nine minutes and 42 seconds?

I got my eye on you, Aldrin.

It's Watering right now...

but I got my eye on you.

I can't believe I have
to go back to work on Monday...

and we still haven't found a nanny.

Well, if Grandpa Mickeys there,
couldn't he just-

Oh! Are you kidding? My dad was never there
for me when I was a kid.

And when he was-

What's wrong, Daddy?

Oh, Daddy can't pick a horse
to save his freakin' life.

All I need is just one lucky number.

Hey, whens your birthday?

Today.

Well-

We've got to find a nanny,
and my dads definitely not it.

Well, um-And this doesn't
solve your nanny problem...

but if you're in need of a babysitter,
Nick and I could do it.

We're really clicking as a couple.

Um, if any couple is clicking these days,
ifs me and Victoria.

Do you think that you and Victoria...

are clicking more than me and Nick?

Do you think that you and Nick are-

Oh, that's precious.

Kids, when you're in a new relationship...

and you're competing with your ex
for who's happier, it can get ugly.

Anyway, I should get going.

I have to go get a key made for Nick-
for my apartment. Ha-burn.

Maybe the locksmith who made the key
I gave to Victoria will give you a deal.

Oh, wait. He won't remember me.
It was three weeks ago.

- Ha-double-burn.
- Nick signed for a package when I wasn't there.

- Victoria keeps tampons in my apartment.
- Damn it!

The next day ..

Lily and Marshall's nanny search
hit pay dirt.

Mr. and Mrs. Eriksen...

I promise to create a safe,
nurturing environment...

full of learning, laughter and love...

so that even when we
have to eat lima beans...

or we get a boo-boo on our knee...

we know everything will be just fine.

And do you know why?

Because you're an angel sent from heaven?

I wanna bury my head
in the safety of your bosom.

Because Mrs. Buckminster is here.

The search is over.

Mrs. Buckminster,
we just need to know your salary.

Oh, delightful.

Well, my weekly fee is-

There, there.

I'm sure you'll find someone
you like just as much.

- No, we won't.
- Not like you!

Hey, Robin, can I borrow a stamp?

Oh. Wait.

This Wedding reply card already has one.

Why, you ask?

Victoria and I are R.S.V.P.'ing
to a wedding in Jamaica...

six months from now.

Ha-triple-burn.

Oh. Jamaica.

Yeah.

That's an island, right?

Depends Where you're going with this.

All the way to the island of Hawaii.
Why, you ask?

Well, I was invited to spend
New Year's there last night...

when I met Nick's parents.

Ha-aloha-burn.

Have you, um, met Victoria's parents, Ted?

As a matter of fact, I haven't.

Because they're dead.

Are they, Ted?

Are they really dead?

No. Damn it!

Bangtoberfest is a flop.

I can't think of an innovative Way
to bang chicks...

that properly honors my return to the game.

Sure, I've tried some old reliables.

Ten unpaid parking tickets.

I suppose there is one Way
I could... get you off.

No.

I've used that admittedly
awesome line a thousand times.

You're better than this, Barney.

Well, the evidence
is pretty incriminating...

but I suppose there is one Way
I could get you off.

Damn it!

Bangtoberfest is about
innovation, about ideas.

Bangtoberfest used to mean something.

- You just made it up yesterday.
- Enough questions.

I need time to think.

So, how's the nanny search going, Lil?

Lousy.

Mrs. Buckminster was a spoonful of sugar...

is Scary Poppins.

But Lily and Marshall needed a nanny...

so they forged ahead with their search.

So “zero experience” as a nanny?

Right. But in rehab, I was in charge
of the cats, and only two died.

So I figured-

I'm available.

How do you feel about spanking?

For eight bucks an hour,
you can do whatever you Want to me.

- I'm available.
- Dad, we know.

I wasn't talking to you.

Finally they met Julie Jorgensen.

You're from St. Cloud, Minnesota?
I'm from St. Cloud.

Really? Oh, you must know my dad.
George Jorgensen?

Of course. George Jorgensen's Organs.

Last year my brother joined the business.

Really.

- Who knew that Morgan Jorgensen would go into organs?
- Anyway, Julie-

Is it still called
George Jorgensen's Organs...

or did they change it
to George Jorgensen and Son Organs?

They changed it to George and Morgan Jorgensen's Organs.
Guess whose idea that was.

Morgan's.

They just opened a new shop out of state.

- Oh, yeah? Where?
- Oregon.

- What's that one called?
- Piano Town.

Well, you have experience...

- and I think ifs safe to say you
have my husbands approval. - Ohh.

- What's your salary?
- Oh, um, ifs right there.

Julie, we would love
for you to be our nanny.

Oh, thank you so much.

Um, I just have one last interview today.

But to be honest, I can't imagine liking
anyone more than I like you guys.

Oh!

- Thank you. Bye.
- Bye.

Yay.

Well, she was a total bitch.

That night,
Lily and Marshall called Julie...

hoping she'd accept the job.

I'm so sorry. I can't.

Don't tell us you took the other job.

No, I didn't. I'm not taking any nanny job.

I don't understand.

The most amazing thing happened
at my next interview after you guys.

I fell in love with a single dad
who turns out to be a billionaire.

Tomorrow we're heading off
to Paris in his private jet.

It's gonna be, as he would say,
legend-Wait for it.

Barney!

Ixnay on the eal-ray ame-nay.

Mr. and Mrs. Eriksen?

You son of a...

itch-bay!

Look, Barneys our friend
for some reason...

and everything he told you was a lie.

But the good news is
you're free to come work for us.

I'm sorry. I can't nanny for anyone
who's friends with this monster.

Look...

I'd offer you guys coffee...

but I have another nanny interview
in about 15 minutes, so-

Barney, quick question.
Why are you interviewing nannies?

Glad you asked. You guys
were all pressuring me...

to think of a revolutionary
new Way to get chicks for Bangtoberfest.

And frankly, I was stumped, until-

is Scary Poppins.

And there it was.

The Big Bro in the sky
had answered my prayers.

Almighty five. Ow.

I'd introduce you to little baby Edgar,
but one, he's napping...

and two, he doesn't exist.

And these nannies are
really falling for this?

Yeah. These toys don't
even make sense for a baby.

You got an air rifle.

You got the exact racetrack with the double
loop-de-loop I had as a kid.

Can I open it?
Can I open it? Can I open it?

What about baby Edgar's mom?

Oh, that's a sad story.

And in the end...

the coroner's report confirmed
What I already feared.

The female body cannot withstand...

that many consecutive orgasms.

I blame myself.

Okay, does anybody have
six nine-volt batteries?

Once I got the nannies all sympathetic...

I had to check their qualifications.

I'd like to see how you handle bath time.

Follow me to the tub.

- Should I get the baby?
- No.

I'm just gonna take the
batteries out of these smoke detectors.

Cool? Cool.

Once the interview is over,
I... Went in for the kill.

You're perfect for the job.

So congratulations. You're hi-

No. I can't do this.

I find you very attractive...

and it wouldn't be appropriate.

It wouldn't be appropriate.

It wouldn't be appropriate.

I repeat. it-It would not be appropriate.

It was like taking candy
from an imaginary baby.

Barney, I just Went five months
with no help...

and interviewed 92 nannies
before finding one we liked.

And you ruined everything the night before
I'm supposed to go back to Work?

Thank you for being
the most immature person I have ever met.

Marshall, let's go.

- Five more minutes.
- Now.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

- Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mmm.
- Mmm.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

- I'll miss you.
- Hmm.

Aw.

Overcompensating a bit?

Why would I need to overcompensate?

I am... deliriously happy
in my perfect relationship.

What about What I just witnessed
not two minutes ago?

How could the Giants pass on third and one?

Honey, ifs okay.

It's the first quarter,
and the Browns are only up by three.

Robin, I don't Want you to fix this.

I just Want to feel heard.

First of all, the Giants were smart
not to run on my Dawg Pound defense.

- They suck, Ted.
- I know.

And two, there is no way...

that you like being with a guy
who's so emotional and needy.

You wanna dance, Mosby?

Let's talk about yesterday.

Hi. You guys, I'm so sorry I'm so late.

I'm gonna run upstairs, change.
I'll be back in five minutes.

Take your time, sweetie.

Victoria's a slob.

Well, at least I'm not dating a girl.

- You know What I mean.
- Hey, you know What?

I-I really appreciate
how sensitive and in touch he is with his-

God, who am I kidding?

Twenty bucks says he is crying
in the ladies' room right now.

Well, at least when he's
finished, he's gonna flush.

So just as Lily
was about to call in sick...

on her first day back to work-

Good morning.

Mrs. Buckminster, hold me
and make everything okay.

I mean, uh, What are you doing here?

A Mr. Stimson called the agency
and offered to pay my salary.

Wow. Really?

It's a nice gesture, but I'm still pissed.

He also sent along this.

- Are the batteries-
- Yes, the batteries are included, dear.

Yes!

Now off to work, you two.

Mr. Marvin and I
are going to get acquainted.

Great. I can't wait to hand him off...

and finally get some freedom.

You deserve it. Now hand him over.

Hand him over, yep.

I'll just take little Marvin
off your hands then.

Take him off my hands. Here he goes.

Ready to receive him.

I can't give Marvin to a stranger!

Okay, somebody who is not
in the middle of a race...

should probably go talk to her.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Buckminster.

We've decided we're not gonna use
a nanny after all.

- You're fired.
- Calm down.

Lily, you're just nervous...

about spending your first day
away from Marvin...

and that's perfectly normal.

Oh, I am holding on to you forever.

And when I die and become a skeleton,
I'll still be holding you.

Yes, yes.

Last night, Nick cried
when I killed a spider.

You should've brought
that spider over to my house...

to feast on the ant colony
breeding on Victoria's unwashed dishes.

- Whoa!
- Barney, What happened to you?

It was a nightmare.

I'm walking down the street,
minding my own business...

and I see one of the nannies
that I interviewed...

and I'm thinking maybe / can get her behind
a Dumpster and interview her again.

But then-

And then-

They were everywhere.

- I was surrounded
- Hi.

Did you really think you
could get away with this?

As a matter of fact, I did.

Time for your nap.

I woke up in a Dumpster
covered in diapers.

And I found a pacifier somewhere
I'm not Willing to discuss.

What is Wrong with me?

You're still getting over Quinn.

You can't just dive right back
into single-Barney mode.

But I can't stop myself.
I'm out of control.

No, I'm not. I'm fine.
Now, if you'll excuse me...

that blonde at the bar
looks as loose as my rear molars.

Stop me. don't stop me. I'm fine. Help.

Being singles great!

You know...

Victoria's messiness just forces me
to grow as a cleaner.

Totally.

And Without Nick, who's gonna hem my pants?

To making these relationships last.

Both relationships would
implode within the month.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey.

- Did you guys conk out?
- Yeah, I guess we did.

- What time is it?
- 5:00.

Wow. We slept all day.

Quick question. Um, where's Marvin?

Right here.

Hey, gang. What's the big Whoop?

Marvin!

Dad, What happened?

Well, when / came back
this morning from my jog...

Marshall was gone,
and I couldn't find Mrs. What's-her-face.

And you two were sawing logs.

So I figured I'd lend a hand.

Then why did I wake up holding a monkey?

Well, a little later, I got kind of hungry.

So I gave him a bath and put
his diaper rash ointment on...

and fed him strained peas, not bananas,
'cause he had bananas yesterday.

Then I did the laundry,
finished my burrito...

put him down for his nap at noon,
sterilized the bottles...

and then we just Went to the park.

Okay.

Wow. That's incredible.

- When did you get so good with kids?
- Know something, honey?

You don't remember this, but, um,
for the first few years of your life...

your mom worked
and I was a stay-home dad.

I thought Grandma and Grandpa
took care of me.

Well, they visited a lot,
but I was the guy who took care of you.

You know, America thinks I ran into
that burning house to get potato salad.

But I actually ran in
to get this photo album...

and potato salad.

Sure.

Dad, I never realized
you were there for me.

How come there are no pictures of me
after I go to preschool?

Well-

Okay. Well, have fun...

on your first day at preschool, princess.

Mwah. Okay, off you go.

There you go.

How am I gonna make it to 3:00 Without her?

Belmont Racetrack.

Hmm.

Well, I guess it couldn't hurt
to go just once.

Six months later, guess What gambling
addicts thumbs had metal pins in them.

This guy. Barn.

Look, honey, I was a jerk who wasn't there
for most of your childhood...

and I regret that
every single day of my life.

But I promise you I'm here now...

for Marvin-if you want.

You're hired.

♪ I took up to you ♪

♪ You don't look down on me ♪

♪ What do you see in me? ♪

♪ Is it oceans of blue? ♪

♪ How do you ♪

♪ Make the colors sing ♪

♪ In a thousand crazy ways? ♪

♪ And in the end ♪

♪ Most things will be okay ♪

Ten parking tickets, huh?

I suppose there is a Way
I could, uh, get you off.

Why'd I ever doubt a classic?

Now, now, now.

This is exactly the sort of behavior...

you hired me to put an end to, Mr. Stimson.

Off with you, dear.
Go make better decisions.

You're right.

Thanks, Mrs. Buckminster.

You're welcome.
And I'm proud of you for trying to change.

What you're doing with these young women...

is simply not appropriate.

That can never happen again.

Oh, pish posh.

You said that five times ago.