How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 8, Episode 17 - The Ashtray - full transcript

When Ted receives an unexpected call from The Captain, the gang reminisced about their last awkward encounter with him.

Thanks.

That's weird. I have a message.

That's weird.

You still have an answering machine.

Ted, this is the Captain.

Please call me back at
your earliest convenience.

Oh, crap.

Kids, you remember the Captain.

He was one of the
richest men in New York,

and when I met him, he
was married to Zoey,

who I ended up... befriending.

- Oh, man, he seems pissed.
- Does he?

Yes. Listen.

Ted, this is the Captain.

Please call me back at
your earliest convenience.

Oh, I hear it now.

What? I don't know.

Listen again.

Ted, this is the Captain.

Please call me back at
your earliest convenience.

He sounds pissed.

Yeah, and I think I know why.

It has to do with the
last time I saw him.

It was... it was,
like, a year and a half ago.

Oh, boy, that was a crazy story.

Oh, boy, yeah.

I remember.

You weren't there.

Ted, bubbeleh.

If you have a crazy story, I was there.

That's just a law of the universe.

So what happened?

Well, it was a few weeks

after Zoey and I broke
up, and I was on the rebound,

and I kind of rekindled
things with that girl, Becky.

- Becky?
- Boats, boats, boats.

Boats, boats, boats!

Boats!

What's this a commercial for again?

I can't quite...

Boats, boats, boats!

Oh, get a room, you two.

- You weren't there.
- I was, too.

All right, you were
there? Tell me the story.

I like the way you tell it.

Please, I insist.

Okay, we'll tell it together.

Okay.

- Lily...
- Lily...

- had invited us...
- had invited us...

- to an art...
- Garfunkel concert.

gallery opening.

An Art Garfunkel gallery
opening concert.

Go on, Ted. You're doing great.

Anyway, I get to the gallery...

This place is so fancy.

I hope I don't embarrass myself.

What? Lily, come on.

You got nothing to be embarrassed about.

Dude, look who it is.

And who should walk in but...

Daddy's home.

Nope.

Well, well, Ted Mosby, my old nemesis.

What are you doing here?

Um, well... Lily saw an ad for this...

Gallery?

So we... we came to check out the...

Artwork.

And then we ran into...

Me.

Man, this guy's so rude.

I mean, I get why he's mad.

I did stick it to his
ex-wife... repeatedly.

Still, he's being a jerk.

Someone needs to bring him down a peg.

I'm sorry. Where are my...

Manners.

That's how that feels.

This is my art consultant.

Shelly.

Art consultant? What's that?

Oh, Shelly helps the Captain

select artwork based
on its aesthetic appeal

and value as an investment.

That's why I think she's
gonna love this elephant painting.

I think this artist is going places.

Well, I should go.

Captain, we'll talk tomorrow?

At ease.

Hey, if you like art,

you should see the
painting I just acquired.

It's in my apartment just upstairs.

It's gonna blow you away.

Anyone with this kind of ashtray money

probably has an
island where he hunts people.

Probably somewhere in the Caribbean.

I bet there's good snorkeling.

Hello, my darling, my one
true love, my everything.

So, who wants to see that painting?

Okay, Captain, we know why you
brought us up here. It's...

it's about me and Zoey.

Ted,

if you've got something to say,

say it.

A harpoon gun?

A double-barreled harpoon gun.

- One barrel.
- With a scope.

No scope.

I know you're upset,
Captain, but I promise you

nothing happened between me and Zoey
until after you guys split up, okay?

So let's...

Let's please, just-just-just
put this down.

Okay? Okay, oh, there we go.

Look, Ted,

I'm not mad at you.

The truth is I'm in love with somebody
else now, so we're fine.

Just don't steal this
one from me, too, okay?

Okay?

Of course.

- I promise.
- Okay.

But that got me thinking.

Who was this new lady in his life?

I had this weird sinking feeling.

We both did.

I had to see that picture.

So I waited until everyone

was out of the room, and then...

- Boats, boats, boats!
- No.

No...!

She's "boats, boats,
boats," and he's the Captain.

That's sweet, I'm happy for those two.

Ted, you suck.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

It's him, it's him. What do I do?

- What do I do?
- Ted, wait a second.

- What do I do?
- Wait a second. Wait a second!

Hey, is there any
chance that he is calling

to invite the three
of us out on his boat?

Uh, I don't know, maybe
like one percent.

Ted's phone. Hold for Ted.

Hello.

Ted, I'm gonna ask you something,

and I want you to be completely honest.

What's your friend Robin's number?

What?

Ted, ask about the boat.

Uh, Captain, can...
can I put you on hold?

Affirmative.

He wants Robin's number.

Should I give it to him?

Is he trying to hook
up with my fianc?e?

No, uh-uh.

The only way that's happening is
if I get to hook up with someone, too.

Wait a second... No.

Unless... Absolutely not.

However... Forget it. On
the other hand... Ixnay!

Guys, guys, I got to
make a decision here.

Okay, you know what, I say do it.

If it is a booty call, then
Robin will just let him down easy,

but in the meantime, Ted is
back on the Captain's good side.

We all get to go out on
his boat, I get to steer it.

Everybody wins.

Okay.

Fine. Give him her number.

- You don't think she'll mind?
- I don't think she'll mind.

You gave the Captain my number?

She minds.

Do you not remember that night we
hung out with him at the art show?

Oh, right, of course you don't remember
because, earlier that night,

you shared a big, fat
sandwich with Becky.

Boats, boats, boats!

What's this a commercial for again?

Yeah, so?

I hardly think that changes the story.

Mmm. Mmm.

Delicious!

This place is so fancy.

I hope I don't embarrass myself.

Oh, come on, Lily.

You got nothing to be embarrassed about.

Dude, look who's here.

Daddy's home.

- Nope.
- Nope.

Well, well.

Ted Mosby, my old nemesis.

What are you doing here?

Well, Lily...

saw an ad for this...

Gallery.

So we thought we'd...

come and check out the...

Artwork?

And then we ran into...

Me?

And the Captain wasn't glaring at you.

He couldn't take his eyes off...

Hey, nice to see you again.

Yeah, you, too.

Oh.

Man, this guy is so rude.

I mean, I get why he's upset.

I did stick it to his
ex-wife... repeatedly.

Still, the guy's being a jerk.

Someone needs to take him down a peg.

Sorry.

Where are my manners?

This is Shelly, my art consultant.

Art consultant? What's that?

Shelly helps the Captain select artwork

based on aesthetic...
- Manners!

That's how that feels.

appeal

and value as an investment,

and that's why I think she's gonna
love this elephant painting.

I think this artist is going places.

Well, I should go.

Captain, we'll talk tomorrow.

If you like art,

you should see the
painting I just acquired.

It's gonna blow you away.

Snorkeling.

Then, after I saved you from destroying

a priceless crystal ashtray...

You're welcome.

Hello, my darling,

my one true love, my everything.

Ahoy?

So who wants to see that painting?

Okay, Captain.

We all know why you brought us up here.

This is about me and...

Zoey.

All right, Ted.

If you've got something to say,

say it.

Whoa, whoa.

- A remote control?
- A remote control.

Let's relax.

I know you're upset, Captain.

I just... I want to assure you

nothing happened between me and Zoey

until after you guys had split up.

So let's just... let's
just... let's put this down.

Okay, okay.

There we go.

Ted, I'm not mad at you.

Truth is, I'm in love
with somebody else now.

So he invited me back to his bedroom

to show me this painting, and...

Finally.

We're alone.

Robin, no, I don't want

to picture that.
- Nothing happened.

- Aw, that means hand stuff.
- What?

No.

I'm serious... he was on the rebound.

I told him to take some time
to pull himself together and...

call me in a year and a half.

Ah, great.

What if he asks you out?

What does that mean for
our relationship?

What, are we planning to
be in some super-enlightened,

forward-thinking marriage,

where we don't get
hung up on the suffocating

and outdated principles of monogamy,

and instead enjoy the
company of multiple partners,

sometimes bringing said partners
into our marital bed,

but just girls, not dudes,

except maybe one time
just to see what that's like?

I mean, is that what you want?

No.

Okay.

Me, neither!

Okay, Robin, look, you-you
need to call the Captain

and let him down easy, okay?

Let him move on with his life.

Let him go out on his
boat with his old friends,

maybe some new friends.

Maybe let one of those new
friends steer the boat.

Just so that one of them could say,

"Iceberg straighthead!"

Fine.

Ahoy.

Hi. Captain, it's Robin.

Ahoy.

Uh, look,

I... have to be upfront with you.

I'm engaged.

Engaged? I thought you
were married to Marshall.

This is Robin right?

The redheaded kindergarten teacher

who wore the gray
dress and the blue shoes

to that art show?

Can you please hold a moment?

Dropping anchor.

He's looking for Lily.

Should I give him her number?

Yeah. We've already discussed it.

It's $4 million cash.

Oh, her phone number. Yes,
I don't think she'll mind.

You gave the Captain my number?

She minds.

It finally happened.

My past finally caught up with me.

Oh, God.

Lily, if you tell me that you

slept with the Captain
for anything under 2.8,

which we agreed was as
low as we were going to go...

No, it's nothing like that.

Do you guys remember the last
time we saw the Captain?

- Yes.
- Oh, right.

Of course you don't. Barney,
you weren't there.

Ted, you had just floated
out of a Snoop Dogg B-side.

And, Robin, you had just come
from that big meeting that ran long.

Delicious. Shrimpy for me.

This place is so fancy.

I hope I don't embarrass myself.

Come on, Lily, you have
nothing to be embarrassed about.

Dude! Look who's here!

Daddy's...

- Nope.
- Nope.

Well, well.

Ted Mosby, my old nemesis.

Hello, sailor.

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, yeah, that's what happened.

This is Shelly, my art consultant.

Art consultant!

What's that?

Shelly helps the Captain select artwork

based on its aesthetic appeal
and its value as an investment,

which is why I think she's
gonna love this elephant painting.

I think this artist is going places.

You'd have to be a real
Dumbo not to enjoy this painting.

Get it?

'Cause he's an elephant?

Your sense of humor is as
good as your taste in art.

Captain?

We'll talk tomorrow?

If you like art,

you should see the
painting I just acquired.

- It's in my...
- Manners.

That's how that feels.

In my apartment right upstairs.

It's gonna blow you away.

Snorkeling.

Then, after I saved you from destroying

a priceless crystal ashtray...

You're welcome.

Hello, my darling, my one
true love, my everything.

So, who wants to see that painting?

Ooh, if you show me yours,

I'll show you mine.

So we check out the painting.

Huh. You know,

that elephant painting
would look nice in here.

You're looking at a masterpiece,

and you're talking about
some elephant painting?

No...!

Oh, this one's nice, too.

I just like the
elephant painting better.

You know, it doesn't
matter what you like.

You're just a kindergarten teacher.

Ah, finally we're alone.

Oh, no, Lily, what did you do?

He was a jerk... he deserved to
have that precious painting stolen.

Oh, God, Lily, you didn't...?

Of course I didn't.

I stole this ashtray instead.

- Lily!
- Hey, you know the rules.

You misbehave, I take
away one of your toys.

Aldrin Justice, baby.

So you're telling me that that ashtray

that's been in our
apartment for over a year and a half

is not only stolen, but
also very expensive.

Both of those things... yes.

Guys, can you leave us
alone for a minute, please?

- Ooh, they're gonna do it.
- No, we're gonna fight.

And then maybe afterwards we'll do it.

I can't believe that
was the same ashtray.

I should've recognized it.

I know... me, too.

Barney, you weren't there.

Why is it so important
that you be part of this story?

Because crazy stories are my thing.

You have
architecture, Marshall has the law,

Lily has art,

Robin has pleasing me sexually.

You all have a passion that drives you.

Well, if I have a
passion, it's taking life

and turning it into a series
of crazy stories.

If you can do that without me, then...

I don't even know who I am anymore.

You know what, Barney?

Now that I think about it,

you were there.
- That's right, you were.

- I was?
- Yeah.

I mean, I know I was.

That's what I'm saying, guys.

We just... we just
didn't realize it because...

you were in disguise.

Yeah, you were doing...

one of your plays from the playbook.

On Shelly, the art consultant.

Yes, it was... some
play that had to do with art...

The Royal Archduke of Grand Fenwick?

A simple play you can do using
two everyday household objects...

a Prussian military costume
and an oil painting of yourself?

That's the one, and it worked on Shelly.

I totally nailed her!

And then I nailed her
sister who was even hotter.

Good times.

You are gonna return that ashtray,
and you're gonna pray

that he doesn't press
charges, because I can't be

in a marriage where one
of us is in prison.

I know that we
role-play conjugal visits a lot,

but I can't do that for realsies.

I'm sorry... all rulings are final.

I am not taking it back.

Oh, my God!

Lily,

what is the big deal?

Okay, so what?

So he said you're just
a kindergarten teacher.

- Why do you let that bother you?
- Because he was right.

I am just a kindergarten teacher.

And, yes, I have a degree

in art history and I was
meant to do something with it,

but I didn't.

Somewhere along the line,

I forgot to pursue my dream, and...

and now I'm old and I'm a mom
and it's just too late for me.

Lily, okay, okay.

- It's too late.
- No, no, no, it's not too...

it's not too late.

You're gonna quit your job tomorrow,

and you're gonna... you're
gonna go back and pick up

right where you left
off with that art stuff.

And then you know what?

I'm gonna find Shelly, and
I'm gonna punch her in the face.

I am... I'm gonna punch a girl...

and run away.

Look.

I promise you,

your best and your most exciting days

are all ahead of you.

I love you so much for saying that,

but there gets to be a point in life

where that just stops being true.

I'm sorry I stole this.

I'll return it first thing tomorrow.

And so the next day, Lily returned

to the Captain's apartment.

Well, how about that.

I didn't even realize it was gone.

No harm done.

Wait, if you weren't
calling about the ashtray,

then why'd you want to see me?

Follow me.

Oh, my gosh.

Yep, that night, I ducked back down

into the gallery and bought it.

Shelly didn't stop you?

Shelly was off with some archduke
she met at the party.

No, I just... well,

I liked what you said about
how you just liked it.

I still do.

Me, too.

Anyway, I just sold it for $4 million.

What?

In the year and a half since
I bought this piece,

the artist has turned into a
huge star in the art world.

The next Basquiat, they're saying.

And nobody saw it coming except you.

So I've decided to give you half
my earnings from the sale.

I'm just kidding.

I'm not giving you two million bucks.

I mean, I could.

Easily... it wouldn't
even make a dent for me.

But trust me, the tax
code being what it is,

you do not want to be rich right now.

So here's what I'm thinking.

I want to get back in the art game,

and I need a new art consultant.

Wait, are you offering me a job?

If you want it.

What do you say?

And she said yes. Guys, it was amazing!

- You should have been there.
- Barney!

- Let her tell her story.
- You were not there.

Guys!

What did you say, baby?

I said yes.

Ha! Told you!

How would I know that
she was going to say...?