How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 8, Episode 15 - P.S. I Love You - full transcript

Kids, sometimes when you're about...

to give up on your love life
forever for the 17th time...

destiny intervenes.

Instead of rushing in...

I took my time to think up
the perfect opening line.

Wait, no, damn it.
Come back! You're really...

You're pretty!

And before I could call out after her in
any kind of embarrassing way...

that a bunch of teenagers
made fun of for the next five stops...

while I stared straight ahead
and pretended not to hear them...

she was gone.

But here's the thing about Ted Mosby.
He doesn't give up!

Stalker Ted alert.

- Repeat, stalker Ted alert.
- Already has a yellow legal pad going.

Repeat, already has
a yellow legal pad going.

I'm not stalking.

I just jotted down a few details
to help me find her.

Uh, like the fact that her smile was cute,
but a bit crooked...

which can be a sign of teeth grinding.

So I called up the city's
top five T. M.J. Specialists...

and h-h-h-here's where
it gets interesting.

Not interesting, Ted. Creepy. Let her go.

- No, this is destiny.
- No, Ted, this is forcing it.

When Lily and I met,
I mean, that was destiny.

She could've knocked on any door...

to find someone to fix her stereo...

but she knocked on mine.

Now hand over the pad.

And the backup pad.

They were right. You can't force destiny.

If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen.

And funny story, kids.

Oh, my God. It's you.

It happened.

Subway girl's name is Jeanette...

and she does grind her teeth.

I assume that started
the moment she met you?

Uh, well, the fact is
she wanted to find me.

The first thing I did was list out...

all the details I remembered about you.

Is that a yellow legal pad?

Yeah. I've even got a backup.

Oh, my God.

You had a tweed blazer
and chalk all over your hands...

so I figured you were either
a professor or a British gymnast.

I'm bloody good on the pommel 'orse.

Regrettin' this accent.

Can't seem to stop.

Then I asked the lady
at the student center...

where I could find the youngest...

cutest professor on staff.

- And?
- She sent me to a physics class.

Professor Leyborne?

I wonder if she'd think
"Dr. Goodhair" was so cute...

if she knew he hasn't been
published in over a year.

Then she sent me here...

but the security guard wouldn't
let me in without an I.D.

I was about to give up
when the fire alarm just sent you out.

- It was like...
- Destiny.

Right? Right? It's a meet-cute.

It's a stalk-crazy.

Look, there's a fine line
between love and insanity.

It's the Dobler-Dahmer theory.

Damn, I always forget the little one.

If both people are into each other...

a big romantic gesture works.

Like Lloyd Dobler
holding up the boom box...

outside Diane Court's window
in Say Anything.

But if one person isn't into the other...

the same gesture comes off
serial-killer crazy, or Dahmer.

Now, Marshall...

the story of how you
asked out Lily is super sweet.

♪ Lily, how you thrill me
but it may just even kill me ♪

♪ If you do not say "I will-y"
to this question ♪

♪ Will you go out with me? ♪ ♪

I will-y.

Dobler.

But if Lily wasn't into you?

♪ Lily, how you thrill me ♪

♪ But it might just even kill me ♪

♪ If you do not say "I will-y"
to this question ♪

♪ Will you go out with me? ♪ ♪

Dahmer.

Whether a gesture's
charming or alarming...

depends on how it's received...

and I was charmed by Jeanette finding me.

Hence, she's a Dobler.

Don't you think
it's a little convenient...

how that fire alarm happened
to randomly go off?

What are you saying?

- Ted, does she have enormous cans?
- No.

Then what we're saying is she's a crazy
stalker bitch who pulled that fire alarm.

- You should run screaming.
- Guys, you know what?

L-I don't think that we should be so
cavalier with the word "stalker."

- Why does that word bother you so much?
- Doesn't bother me.

Wait. Do you have a stalker?

I don't want to talk about this.

As your fiancé...

if you have some psycho stalker out there,
I should know.

It was me!
I was a stalker. It was back in Canada.

I liked a guy and he didn't like me...

and, well, I got a little obsessed.

I'd fill up my journals all about him...

and eventually, there may have been a
teensy-weensy 50-meter restraining order.

Fifty meters?

That's like... four years.

Wow.

You must have been a total nut bag.

I wasn't.
Ted is right. There is a fine line.

Anyone can cross it and get obsessed.

Yeah, if you're a total nut bag.

Now, uh, who's the guy?

I'm not telling you until you admit that
this can happen to anybody.

- I'm not admitting that.
- Fine. Forget it. I'm not telling you.

Fine. Forgotten.

You are so beautiful.
Why can't you see me?

Someday, I'll make you see me,
and we'll be together.

P.S. I love you.

P.S. I love you. P.S. I love you.

P.S. I love you. P.S. I love you.

This is ridiculous.

Who cares who she was obsessed with?

What, am I gonna go to Canada
and track this guy down?

Thankfully, unlike Uncle Barney...

I wasn't the kind of guy
to fixate on one little detail.

That fire alarm, did you pull it?

This is embarrassing.

I wasn't gonna tell you this, but...

I'd come so far...

only to be sent packing
by that security guard, and well...

I'm sorry. I just couldn't stand
the idea of not meeting you.

Could not stand the idea
of not meeting me.

Was it a little over the top
to pull that fire alarm? Perhaps.

But it charmed me. Hence, Dobler.

Aha! You see?

People don't put fire alarms
out in front lobbies...

for just anyone to prank pull.

They put smoke detectors up
on the ceiling.

Hold on.

I'm beginning to think that you guys
didn't come here to see my new lectern.

Are you implying Jeanette started a fire?

- Dahmer.
- Dobler.

She's John Cusack. I'm lone Skye.

And there is nothing weird about that.

Gordie Bellavoh.

Thanks again for the free doughnuts, eh?

So, you up here visiting family?

No. I'm not Canadian.

Not even a quarter Canadian
on my father's side. Shut up.

We're not talking "aboat" me... about me.

Whoa.

How long did you and Robin date?

Well, it wasn't really dating.

We'd take a sixer of Labatts
behind the hydro plant...

and she'd let me go under parka,
over turtleneck.

Summer love.

Was Robin obsessed with you?

No. No.

Robin was way more into this guy named...

Turk Grimsby.

I hear Robin was obsessed with you?

No. We only went out a few times,
barely knew each other.

All we talked about
was her relationship with her mother...

the gnawing feelings of inadequacy...

all the horrible secrets
on that side of the family.

But heck, you're her fiancé.
You know all that, right?

Yeah.

Robin was way more into this other guy.

Can't seem to remember his name.

Though sometimes a powdered jelly can help
get the old noodle going.

Ah.

His name's...

Simon Tremblay. I should have known.

Eh. Thanks for the free doughnuts.

They're just doughnuts! Okay?

They're like two for a loonie... dollar.
What's happening?

Oh! Somebody moosed down all the jellies.

Have you been hanging out
with Turk Grimsby?

So how serious were you and Robin?

Well, serious enough to pop the question.

Wow. Really?

Yeah, sure.

Got down on one goalie pad.
I said, "Robin...

could we keep dating,
but I get to stick it to other babes?"

- Turned me down.
- I'm so sorry.

Oh, that's okay. I really wanted
to stick it to Louise Marsh.

Still, as the years pass
and you take stock of your life...

part of me wishes I could've kept
sticking it to Robin too.

So are you the one that Robin stalked?

Oh, that story goes back
to the 1996 Grey Cup.

- What in God's name is that?
- Only Canada's Super Bowl.

Underneath the Tunes on MuchMusic?

Again, I have to go with,
"What in God's name is that?"

It's only Canada's VH1's Behind the Music.

There's one all about Robin Sparkles.

Tells you the whole story from "A" to zed.

Kids, relationships are built on trust.

So unlike Uncle Barney,
I wasn't gonna keep digging and digging.

Did you start a fire?

This is embarrassing.

I wasn't gonna tell you this, but...

I'd come so far, only to be sent packing
by that security guard...

and, well...

I'm sorry.

I just couldn't stand the idea
of not meeting you.

Could not stand the idea
of not meeting me.

She set a fire, Ted! Dahmer.

You're just jealous 'cause Lily never
burned anything for you.

Clearly you never tried her pot roast.

I actually brought this
for something different...

but it worked out, right?

Okay, anyway, here's my thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my back
pocket the answer to the question...

"Who was Robin obsessed with?"

Hang on tight.

It's Robin Sparkles 4, y'all!

Shh! Shh!

With her jelly bracelets, graffiti coat...

and totally rad robot...

no one symbolized the 1990s
in Canada like Robin Sparkles.

But as we'd all learn
one heartbreaking Grey Cup Sunday...

Canada's sweetheart had a dark side.

I'll never forget that moment.

A little piece of Canada died that day.

To see her throw her life away
like that...

it was heartbreaking.

I am so happy right now.

- I want to see her throw her life away so badly.
- Yeah.

- We're all terrible people. Turn it up.
- Yeah.

Sparkles's hit records
"Let's Go to the Mall'...

and "Sandcastles in the Sand"
both went maple...

with "Mall" eventually going double maple.

I never admitted this till now,
but before a big game...

I'd listen to "Sand Castles in the Sand"
and get a good cry on.

I'm not ashamed.

But after endless touring,
Robin started to crack.

Who doesn't love the mall?

Shopping with your friends and...

I can't do this.

Get this out of my face, please.

Thank you. Pardon me. Thanks. Sorry.

Even when Canadians are mean,
they're polite.

Her record producer,
Chuck "Chuck" Gerussi.

Robin Sparkles was big...
Gino Vannelli big.

Who I discovered by the way.

Robin's next song, "P.S. I Love You'...

was so dark, Dominant Records
refused to release it.

Few have ever seen
the long-lost music video...

but we found it.

Shh!

♪ Though you're beautiful
on your pedestal ♪

♪ I see you You don't see me ♪

♪ Am I just too young
or just too dumb? ♪

♪ Or maybe just too grungy? ♪

♪ And I'm wearing my flannel,
and I'm thinking of you ♪

♪ I lace up my boots,
and I'm thinking of you ♪

This is the most
1990s music video of all time.

All it needs is a shirtless
old man in black-and-white for no reason.

Shh!

♪ I'll never move on
It'll always be you ♪

♪ Every guy that I'm with
I'll be thinking of you ♪

♪ If I get married,
he'll always be second to you ♪

That's gotta feel good.

♪ I'll always be waiting for you ♪

♪ P.S. I love you ♪ ♪

In 1996, we booked
the halftime show for the Grey Cup.

Huge gig. We're talkin'
Ivor Wynne Stadium in Hamilton...

just outside of Guelph.

It doesn't get any bigger than that.

Hello, Canada.

I'm Robin Sparkles.

Actually, I was Robin Sparkles.

The whole stadium went silent.

Right then, I knew something terrible
was gonna happen.

My stomach started churning.

But Robin Sparkles is dead.

All I could hear was
Paul Shaffer's stomach growling.

Stress goes to my stomach. Sue me.

It was kind of disgusting.

I'm sorry, Jason Priestley.

I didn't realize you were
the Queen of England.

My new name is...

Robin Daggers! Two, three, four!

♪ Though you're beautiful ♪

That day is now known in music history...

as the day grunge was born.

In 1996, in Canada?
That seems right, Trebek.

Give him a break. He's not a music guy.

That day is now known in music history...

as the day that grunge was born.

Well, that's a bummer.

It was tragic.

I mean, to this day...

you ask any Canadian where they were
when Robin Sparkles lost it...

not only can they tell you
which Tim Hortons they were in...

but what doughnut they were eating.

Me? Wawa, Ontario. Blueberry fritter.

Halifax, Nova Scotia. Walnut crunch.

Victoriaville, Quebec. Sour cream plain.

Sudbury, Ontario. Honey dip.

Red Deer, Alberta. Chocolate glaze.

Squamish, British Columbia.

Crammed a Timbit into a strawberry vanilla
and invented The Priestley.

Should've been the best day of my life.

It was horrifying on so many levels.

Actually, you know what?

I'm sorry, I can't...
I just can't talk about this.

I'm out of here, okay? I'm out of here.

Here, excuse me. I'm sorry.
Will you take...

No, no, don't move. I'm out. Sorry, sorry.

Speculation began immediately.

Who was Robin Sparkles singing about
with those angry, obsessive lyrics?

Many names were suggested.

- It wasn't me.
- It wasn't me.

- Wasn't me.
- It wasn't me.

- It wasn't me.
- It wasn't me.

Why does everyone always think... it's me?

I wish it was me.

But one name comes up more than any other.

Alan Thicke.

How can I help you? Doughnut?

Whoa.

What happened to you?

Underneath the Tunes today.

Wait, what?

You guys get MuchMusic down here?

And that video led me to...

I am engaged to Robin Scherbatsky...

and I know that she wrote
"P.S. I Love You" for you.

Now-Now, why is she so obsessed with you?

What? That song's not about me.

Then who is it "aboot"? About! Damn it!

I don't know. I always
thought it was Coulter.

It wasn't me. Stop asking.

Geez, cut it out.

I always liked that joke.

Alan Thicke kicked your ass.

He lied, didn't he? It was Alan Thicke!

Wow.

It sounds like you've
become a bit obsessed, huh, Barney?

I am not obsessed.

All I did was break into your apartment
and read your teenage journals...

and fly to Vancouver to interrogate
your ex-boyfriends...

and fight beloved
Canadian actor Alan Thicke... to a draw.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

So, ready to admit it?

Anyone can get obsessed.

Thank you.

And now, I am ready to tell you
who "P.S. I Love You" is about.

Who?

P. S... Paul Shaffer.

Paul Shaffer?

I know. So stereotypical.

Every young Canadian girl...

fantasizes about being with Paul Shaffer.

At the Grey Cup gig,
Paul was sitting in the front row.

♪ I'll always be waiting for you ♪

No wonder his stomach was growling.

I feel bad that I scared Paul.

He's amazing.

But I have no regrets.

I was done being Robin Sparkles.

You're not gonna go
get beat up by Paul Shaffer now, are you?

I can't believe it. I'm a total Dahmer.

Yeah, but you're my Dahmer,
which makes you a Dobler.

Just like Jeanette.

No! Ted, what that woman did to
"run into you" was bonkers.

That's just not how you
start a healthy relationship.

Tell him, Lil.

I can't stand it anymore.
I've been living a lie.

See?

I saw you at orientation...

and I needed an excuse to meet you, so...

I didn't know which room you were in,
so I had to create a little destiny.

Okay.

I'm sorry. I just couldn't stand
the idea of not meeting you.

Could not stand
the idea of not meeting me.

I'm sorry, Ted. You were right.

Jeanette's a Dobler. So are you.

- Thanks, buddy.
- Hmm.

If you hadn't been reading
the exact same book as me...

we never would've met.

I mean, that's destiny.

Oh, look. You bought it
in the same bookstore I did.

On the same day.
Within 10 minutes of me buying mine.

Uh, this is embarrassing.

I wasn't gonna tell you this...

but I followed you to that bookstore.

I just couldn't stand the idea
of not meeting you.

You followed me
to the bookstore from where?

H-How long have you been following me?

Uh, this is embarrassing.

Uh, remember when you were on
the cover of New York Magazine?

That was, like, a year and a half ago.

Yeah.

Before a man meets
the woman he'll marry...

he'll make one final, horrible mistake.

For me, that was Jeanette.

♪ P.S. I Love You ♪

♪ The law can't stop my love ♪

♪ I'll fit you like a glove ♪

♪ Restraining orders don't scare me ♪

♪ The lawyers at the record company
made me promise to say ♪

♪ "That the views expressed
in this song do not necessarily ♪

♪ Reflect the views
of Dominant Records ♪

♪ Or any of its subsidiaries" ♪

♪ I'm totally a slacker,
and I don't even care ♪

♪ With my curling zines
and my faraway stare ♪

♪ But deep down inside,
yeah, deep down inside I'm dying ♪

♪ I'm trapped in a cage
of the tears I cry ♪

♪ I'm praying to God,
but she doesn't reply ♪

- ♪ Even the robot says... ♪
- Move on.

♪ I'm trying ♪

♪ P.S. I love you ♪ ♪