How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 8, Episode 14 - Ring Up! - full transcript

You guys. You guys will not
believe what just happened.

On my way here, a taxi

jumped the curb
and it pinned this old lady,

and I-i just went into this,
like, crazy adrenaline mode

and I somehow lifted it off her.

Oh, my God, Ted,
your wrist.

Oh, yeah, I guess
it's a little swollen.

I must've strained it lifting.
No,

I believe our dear
friend Lily was referring

to your other wrist.

The one wearing the
male birth control.

I was gonna go with

"chastity bracelet."

God, is it possible
to love you more?

Really?
Really? I just

saved someone's life, and
you guys are focusing on this?

Yeah, you know what,
guys? Leave him alone.

All right,
he's a hero.

Thank you.

Do you think that your
super strength came from

wearing wonder woman's
magic wrist cuff?

Yeah, I'll have you know
that because of this cuff,

I have a date.

With some hand lotion
and the Internet?

It is possible
to love you more!

She exists.

And she's right outside.

Great. Bring her in.

You know what? It's so nice out.

Why don't... why don't
we just all go for a walk.

It's pouring rain, Ted.
I think it's pretty obvious

she can't fit through the door. mm.

She is a gorgeous,
athletic woman.

"athletic"?
Sideburns, no cans.

She is hot.

So why can't
she come in, Ted?

She can come in.

In six and a half months.

Wait.
Are you saying she's...

twenty.

And a half.

Almost.

Ah-ah! Hold up, guys.

She had to bounce. Um,
a flash mob broke out in front

of a line of Korean-Mexican
food trucks in williamsburg.

The only thing

that would make her
more of a 20-year-old

is an ironic form

- of transportation.
- Yeah.

She's roller skating there.

I don't know
which is more pathetic...

that you're going out
with a 20-year-old

or that you bought a leather
cuff to get a date with her.

I didn't buy this

to get a date.

I just happened to be out

catching up on
some Saturday afternoon

leather cuff shopping,
oh.

And she just happened to be
a leather cuff saleswoman.

God, I am so glad I am
done chasing bimbos.

Now that I'm engaged,
that whole part of my life

just seems
sad and empty.

I don't want this
to sound

too harsh, Ted,
but you disgust me.

Until a month ago, your
headboard had a lube dispenser.

Uh, yeah.

We got rid of that, okay? Yeah.

Anyway, speaking of engaged,

check out what got back
from being resized.

Oh, my God.
Look at the size of that rock.

Barney, you don't

start with the
I-got-caught-cheating diamond.

You give yourself
room to grow.

It's a family heirloom.

Yeah, I got
a few dirty looks

from Barney's half-sister
over Christmas,

so I had to sit her down
and explain very respectfully...

that she can suck it.

Okay.

I got to bounce.

Stop saying that.

This dj from Dubai is spinning

at an abandoned loading dock
in bushwick.

I'm worried I don't
have enough layers.

So what if my friends

thought it was doomed?

I was still young, and I knew
that a night of partying

with a girl
over a decade younger than me

would be a total...

...disaster. She's like
an entirely different species.

And I definitely didn't
have enough layers.

I didn't understand half
the words she was saying.

To me, it all sounded
like hipster mad libs.

Didn't you check your phone?

I just "means of contacting" you

on "currently hot
social networking site."

the show's been moved

to "New York neighborhood"

you've never heard of."

oh. Wow, my phone has a clock.

And they subsist on a diet of
pointlessly weird combinations.

Ooh.

Hey, do you want to split
a kimchi cupcake

with bacon frosting?

They are the best here.

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, that'll go great with my

cucumber jalapeño
egg cream.

Chug it! Come on. Come on.

We got to get going.
Right. Okay.

Then later, at a club
in Chinatown

somehow located
beneath a manhole cover,

it got weird.

God, I just love those

tiny gray hairs
in your eyebrows.

Old men are so sexy.

All right, to be fair,

some of those gray hairs
were dried egg cream.

Turns out, when you

projectile vomit on skates,

you roll right into the spray.

Wait, how old does
she think you are?

So, were you in Vietnam?

Hold that groan.

Charlie was everywhere.

She's hot! She likes old guys!

Anyway, when we got out
on the dance floor, th...

I swear, this is what all
the 20-year-olds looked like...

I want to thank you for your
service to this nation, private.

Colonel.

Aw.

I got to end this.

Yeah, seriously, Ted.

Pretending to be someone else
just to get laid?

That's...
embarrassing.

Your highness!

Let's go.

Ew. Marshall,
take that off.

What? I think it looks
kind of cool.

Cool?

You look like one of those jerks
who's in some lame band

and rides a motorcycle without
a helmet and has a wallet chain

and neck tattoos
and a drug problem.

Not a... a big one, just, uh...

enough that he deals a little
bit on the side, and...

he can never...
ever be true to one woman.

Finish that damn pickle
and do me!

Okay, you guys know how
my mornings usually go.

Why would we care how...

usually it's like this.

After you.

Aw, thank you.

On the house, Robin!

♪ take this bagel on the house

♪ have a paper on the house

♪ I'd give you a house
on the house ♪

♪ if I could

♪ you're so beautiful

♪ everything in life
should be free ♪

♪ it's so wonderful to be me!

Mmm.

Wow.

Do little bluebirds help you
get dressed in the morning, too?

♪ she's exaggerating

♪ to make a point!

But today was different.

That'll be $3.75.

But I didn't have
to pay yesterday.

Okay. $7.50.

Oh, honey-sweetie-baby.
It's the ring, Robin.

The ring has power.

When a woman puts on
an engagement ring,

it's like when bilbo baggins
wears the one ring

in the hobbit.

Okay, can you say that again
but not in nerd?

Sure. Uh, the ring
is like the cloak

that Harry Potter wears
to sneak around Hogwarts.

Yeah, I don't speak virgin
either.

The ring... it
makes you invisible.

You're not precious.

Oh, good, you're awake.

Look, Ted,

there's something
we have to talk about.

Boundaries?
Invasion of privacy?

Losing your key privileges?

It's about the 20-year-old, Ted.

You have to bang her.

For me!

Why do you want me to hook
up with this 20-year-old?

I thought I disgusted you.

Yeah, that was
all an act.

Look, look, look, I love Robin

and she's the only girl
I want to be with.

But my body is detoxing
after years of one-night stands.

They don't make

gum or a patch for this, Ted.

But, hey,
billion-dollar idea alert.

Oh, yeah.

That's okay. I'll just buy
a new dream journal.

What-what-what
are you looking for?

Your phone.

There's got to
be some pictures

of her in here.

Damn it. no.

Those are all worthless.

I need some one-night-stand
material, Ted.

Oh. Oh. Here's your mom.
Hello, Virginia.

Um, my mother is not
one-night-stand material.

Yeah, you're right. It wasn't
night and we weren't standing.

Hey-oh!

That didn't happen.

You're right. It didn't.

You just winked.

No, I didn't.

You just did it again!

Look, bottom
I need you

to proxy bang this girl for me.

Be my stand-in

and put your gland in.

Hey, wow,
that'd be good on a hat.

Barney,

she's just using me
for my gracefully aging body.

You're picking now
to get some self-respect?

You once banged a blind girl by
pretending to be Sean connery.

That was you.

Yeah, that conquest

was most enjoyable.

I'm sorry.
T-to hook up with a girl,

I have to connect with her
at least a little.

Then find a connection.

Just go simple.

Nothing about weird poets
or buildings

or any of those stupid articles
you've ever e-mailed me

with the subject line
"food for thought."

please, Ted.

I need this.

Fine. You win.

I'll bang

a hot 20-year-old.

But I'm not gonna enjoy...

oh, who am I kidding?

It's gonna be awesome.

Now, turn off the lights and go.

Not all the way!

Hello. Yeah, three...

okay, normally New York
is the friendliest,

most affordable city
in the world.

Now it's as rude and expensive
as San Francisco.

Guys?

Oh, hey, that's life
once you're engaged.

Oh, tell her, baby.
Make it hurt.

I'll be at the booth.

My panties may
or may not be on

when you get there.

They won't be!

Okay, what is going
on with you guys?

It's the cuff.

It turns out that picturing me
as a loser musician

with a Vicodin addiction
and a beat-up van

I use to steal copper wire
really turns Lily's crank.

Who knew?

Whoa, what-what happened
to your wrist?

Oh. It's an allergic reaction.

So take it off.

Robin, once you have a child,

anything that gets you
even remotely close

to the possibility of sex is
worth a few pus-filled blisters.

Better the sores
weep than I.

Hey, hold on. That
slut just got here.

How'd she get
beer already?

Do you see a ring
on that finger?

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you saying that
this invisibility thing

means I might not be able
to get beer?

I was just getting used to the
idea of having to pay for coffee

and bagels and rent.

Rent?
But not being able

to get a beer? Unacceptable.

Excuse me.

Hot girl coming through.

Huh.

Three beers, please.

♪ take the...

damn it, ring!

Oh, yeah, baby.
Mm-hmm.

Later you should totally
go out and buy a switchblade.

Mm. Sure.

While I'm out, maybe daddy
picks up some diapers

and a little mild salsa
because we're low.

Well, you're right...

I'm invisible.

That night, the only person

in worse shape than Robin
was her fiancé.

Ted, I'm desperate.

Earlier today,
I saw that wrist cuff

and I got a partial
for Marshall.

Did you bang that girl yet?

Don't get your hopes,
or anything else, up.

I tried to connect with her,

but everything
just comes back

to her weird fetish
about how old I am.

Well, j-just go simple...
does she like TV?

No.

But I'll watch 60 minutes
with you

as loud and as long as you want.

Sports?

No.

But I bet you look super hot
playing shuffleboard,

just... slathered in bengay.

Well, does she like books?

No.

But I bet you do.

Mm-hmm.

I bet you have a big, thick

pair of bifocals.

She doesn't have daddy issues,
she has granddaddy issues.

I'm ending it.

Ted, I beg of you, don't quit
on a body that won't quit.

Ooh, ooh, that'll go sweet
on a bumper sticker.

That's going in the journal.

Wait, did you steal

my dream journal?

No! Now, get back in there
before all your teeth fall out

and you're naked in front
of shaker heights high school

in a play
you never rehearsed for.

Bastard!

We don't connect
on a single thing. It's over.

It's not...

look, carly, I got
to tell you something.

I just, I don't see
a future here.

Oh, my God.

Are you dying?

Oh, that is so hot.

Hey...

is that r2-d2?

Do you like star wars?

I love star wars.

Me, too!

I mean, I've only
seen the new ones.

Close enough.

So?

Yeah.

I knew it!
I could feel it.

It's almost like we were
hooking up with her together.

You felt that, right?

I couldn't have performed
if I did.

Don't you see, Ted?

We had a bro-nnection.

All right, I got to know

what she looks like...
show me a picture.

Well, normally,
I'm above such things,

but it's been a while,
and, uh, Teddy's braggin'.

Okay, here she is.

Okay. Scrolling up.

Oh, yeah, those are

"plow me" heels. Nice.
Uh-huh.

The knee bruise is encouraging.

Working our way up
to those 20-year-old ta-tas.

Oh... gravity's cruel grasp

hasn't found you yet,
my sweet perky miracles.

Now, let's get a gander
at dirty girl's face.

Mm-hmm.

Her face says, "ready to bone,"
am I right?

I say again, am I right?

That's my half-sister.

Then you probably shouldn't
scroll to the next picture.

No!

That's my sister, Ted!

Well, look,
I didn't know!

None of us even knew
you had a sister

until two years ago,
including you!

This is just
some crazy coincidence.

There are four million women
in the city of New York,

Ted, and you sleep
with my sister?

Why would the universe do that to me?
I don't know.

It's not like you've ever
treated women in such a way

that would invite some sort
of karmic retribution.

You banged my sister!

My sweet, little, innocent...

pierced.
Really? Where?

Don't answer that!
Now I know

why I felt everything
you did to her last night.

It wasn't a bro-nnection,
it was a sis-nnection!

Oh, my God.

Ted... did you...

big-time.

Nice! High five!

Wait! No! no!

Retraction five!

Hey, hey, you're the one
who begged for a proxy bang.

And while we're
on the subject of family,

I'm pretty sure you banged
my mom... mom beats sister.

I never banged your mom.

You just did
the winking thing again!

No, I didn't.

Fine. Hey, Barney,
let me ask you something.

Were you, uh, feeling
a little sore this morning?

Especially...

friendship over!

Oh, yeah.

Who's your guitar-player-biker-
who-couldn't-find-mild-salsa...

but-said-screw-it-
and-went-medium bad boy?

Marshall, your hand!

Okay, I'm pretty sure
it wasn't that bad,

but this is how uncle Marshall
likes to tell the story.

Oh, yeah, no,
that's the cuff.

I'm woozy,
and I can't flex my fingers...

...and the rotten fish smell
is getting stronger.

But I'm learning to compensate
with my left.

Is that why last night when
I asked you to honka honka me

you only honka'd me?

I didn't think you noticed.

Snap's been jealous
of crackle all day.

Just take the cuff off.

No, but, baby,
then all the sex will stop.

Marshall, you don't need a cuff
for me to find you sexy.

All you have to do

is smile, and I'm ready
for you to hop on pop.

Thanks, baby.

Are you too woozy to
do it one last time

before we seek emergency
medical attention?

Only one way to find out.

Mm.

I'm sorry, bro,
I totally overreacted.

You think?
I can't believe

you're allowed
to ship a dead possum.

He died?

That possum was supposed
to be an olive branch.

Are you sure
he's not just playing dead?

He smells like Marshall's hand.

And wait, you-you forgive me?

Absolutely.
Hey, I got a couple "cee-gars."

get over here!

All right.
So, where are those "cee-gars"?

Eh, we'll break 'em
out in a minute.

Hey, barn.

Ted?

Barney, what is
your sister doing here?

Nothing, bro.
Or should I say,

bro-in-law!

Congratulations!

You're marrying
my sister!

And you spared no expense,
you big crazy!

You know what?
I love Barney,

but this ring thing sucks.

Some gross guy just
brushed up against my rack

and then apologized.

And I think he really,
really meant it.

Oh, sweetie, I know it's nice
to be groped by strangers,

but nothing beats
the rush you get

when that one special person
looks at you.

It's true.

Like here in this bar, there's
only one thing that I see,

and I see her brighter
and more clearly

than anything else
in this world.

You know what that is?

That's love.

And possibly alcohol

mixed with some
very powerful antibiotics.

And that's how Barney sees you.

And I know that's
how you see Barney.

I'd like
to start the service

with a passage
from Ted's dream journal.

"drowning.

"gasping for air.

No escape."

wait, is that
about Vietnam?

It's about whole foods.

Barney.

We are not

getting married.

And those aisles
are too narrow!

But you two

have to get married...
otherwise, it's just

a cheap, meaningless,
disgusting one-night stand.

Wait, just to be clear,
you're saying you're opposed

to cheap, meaningless,
disgusting one-night stands?

Yes.

Barney... don't you see?

Your detox is done!

You're over one-night stands!

Oh, my God, you're right!

I'm free!
Yeah.

So if you think about it...
but not too much...

it's actually good that
carly and I hooked up.

Yeah, it's really good.

I mean, this guy goes at it
like he's still in his 50s.

Hey, have a cigar,
you big crazy!

Hey, don't try
to make this okay.

You still slept with my sister.

Promise me you will never,
ever do that again.

I promise.

You just winked.

No, I didn't.

You did it again!
No, I didn't!

You swear, right?

Yeah. Of course.

Hey.
That night,

even though
she still couldn't get a beer,

Robin realized
the true power of the ring.

Hey, Robin.

Did you ever figure out
how you're gonna get

a drink at the bar now
that you're engaged?

Oh, sure. I know a way
that's gonna last forever.

Scotch on the rocks?

Coming right up.

Now, before you say anything
about the hat...

this new girl's ass
is phenomenal!

Hey, Marshall,
you got to see this.

The catalog must have
mixed up my order.

You won't believe the jeans
they just sent me.

Hilarious, right?

Totally.

You look like some

suburban mom
who drives a minivan

filled with stale cheerios
and empty juice boxes...

probably makes

chili Mac and
frito pie for dinner...

smells like that menthol
cigarette that she snuck while

she was waiting
to pick her kids up

from hockey practice.
Get over here!