How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 8, Episode 13 - Band or DJ? - full transcript

Kids, in late 2012...

I received a very
important text message.

Uncle Barney and Aunt
Robin were engaged...

marking a truly happy
time for our little group.

The problem was... one of
us was definitely not happy.

Marvin will not stop crying.

What do you guys think it is?
Is he hungry?

Well, that must be it.

Huh! Thank you for
thinking of that, Ted.

And here we were just watering him
and facing him towards the sunlight.

Sorry. I haven't slept in...

January.

Food going in isn't the problem.

It's what's coming out... or not coming out.

- He hasn't pooped in three days.
- Yeah.

Normally, I wouldn't wish one of his
dirty diapers on my worst enemy...

but now I kind of miss poppin'
the hood in the morning...

and finding that first big,
juicy, black...

Lily! I'm eating chili.

I'm eating chili, Lily.

Confetti.

Big blast of confetti.

Normally, the kid's
a confetti machine.

He's Rip Taylor in a diaper.

I have a feeling at this point,
Rip Taylor is Rip Taylor in a diaper.

And with that image,
dinner is done.

- Hey, guys.
- Well, well, well.

Here comes the bride!
Now the annoying part, right?

Planning the wedding.

- So not fun, right?
- I don't know. I'm kind of looking forward to it.

Fine. I'll do it for you.

First thing we need
to do is set a date.

May 25, 2013.

Thank you, Ted.
The ladies are talking.

Actually, that... that is the date.

Ted offered to help with
the planning a little.

And, well, uh...

- That's a big binder.
- Oh, this?

This is just cakes.

Anyway, we're having
the ceremony...

at that beautiful little
church out on Long Island...

where Victoria almost got
married... lovely spot.

And then we're gonna have a
reception in a big white tent...

on the front lawn of the hotel.

Oh, and, uh, the colors are cream and lilac.

- I'm-a cut you, bitch!
- Oh, Lily, Lily, L-Lily...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm cool. I'm cool.

Hey, Robin, where's Barney?
Did he skip town already?

If so, exactly what time was it?

It's important for the over-under.

Barney's fine. It's just, well,
earlier this morning...

So, it's been three
days since I said yes.

True.

And your panic attacks are getting
shorter and further apart.

I can't do this!
I feel like I'm drowning!

Also true.

So I guess we're
officially engaged.

Maybe we should tell our parents.

I assume my dad already knows. You did
call him and got his permission, right?

Yeah, yeah, Robin.

I... I bought you with an ox
and some spices from the East.

He's gonna put you in a cage...

and send you on horseback
to my remote desert camp.

- Okay, Barney...
- Hold on. I'm not done.

Where you'll be bathed
in perfumes and oils...

and delivered to my tent.

After you perform the traditional
Dance of the Seven Veils...

we'll adjourn to the tiger
skin rug where we'll...

- Barney...
- Robin!

If we're gonna build a
marriage together...

we have got to stop interrupting
each other all the time.

Fine. Finish your story.

Thank you.

Where we'll... do it.

- Did you ask for my father's permission?
- No, I did not.

As some of you know,
my dad is a little scary.

A little? Dude's a
stone-cold Slytherin.

He always looks like he just
came from slapping some guy...

tied to a chair in a back room.

Anyway, we go get lunch...

I know I already told you this,
but my dad is a scary guy.

Please, I think I can handle...

Oh, vampire in the daylight.
Vampire in the daylight!

Oh.

- Hello, Robin.
- Hello, sir.

Put that thing away.
Give your old man a hug.

And then it got really scary.

I'm glad you could meet me
here at my favorite restaurant.

Carol and I come here all the time.

I... You...

When... Da... Who's Carol?

Oh, right. You...
You haven't met Carol.

Um, very special woman.

Forty-eight years old,
dental hygienist, no kids.

Likes Zumba.

She's the reason I
moved to New York City.

Eight months ago.
Thanks for the call, by the way.

Well, I figured you knew.

It's on my Facebook page.

You really should respond
to my friend request.

I post a lot of great stuff.

Are you familiar with memes?

There's a cat who says,
"I can has cheezburger?"

Okay, what the hell
happened to you?

Robin, I know in the past...

I have been... emotionally distant.

But Carol has brought out
a whole new side of me.

I have a new outlook on life...

a devil-may-care insouciance
that embodies the credo...

"No shirt, no shoes, no problem."

Robin, I'm fun now.

- Oh!
- Oh, God.

- He's fun now?
- That does not sound fun.

No child should have to see
a parent go through that.

Well, it probably took some of the
pressure off the Barney of it all.

Sir, hi.

My name is Barney Stinson.

This is Barney?

This man is blond.

Grown men are not blond!

- Dad!
- Pleased to meet you.

That's a very... fun hair color.

That's nothing. When he met me,
his first words were, "Nice blouse."

- You were wearing a blouse.
- It was not a blouse!

Oh, great. You're all here.
Let's talk about our wedding band.

How much do you guys think they should rock?
'Cause I vote a million.

Yeah. Yeah, I think we already
settled on a deejay, so...

Lily, do you remember the band you
guys almost hired for your wedding?

Remember them? I'll call them
up and book them for you.

- Just say the word.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I... I feel like we keep coming
back to this deejay thing.

- What do you think, baby?
- I don't think anyone should book anything right now.

Well, why not?

Well, I am going to the
room marked "Spaghettis"...

which I'm hoping is
the ladies' room.

"Meatballs" has to be men's, right?

I don't know what the hell
"Calamaris" is.

Um...

- Sir, I... I...
- Permission denied.

And it turns out
"spaghettis" are men.

I saw a noodle.

- He said no?
- Yeah, I don't know what we're gonna do.

Relax, baby. I got this.

I know how to be persuasive.

The next day, Uncle Barney
met Robin's dad for lunch...

at the same restaurant...

this time, with a plan.

Hello, Mr. Scherbatsky.
I think we got off on the wrong foot.

You have my attention.

I left the meatball at home so I could
talk to you spaghetti to spaghetti.

Sir, I'm very serious about
marrying your daughter.

Barney, when I wanted to
marry Robin's mother...

I slaughtered a whole family
of bears with my bare hands.

I gave the pelts and
the bear meat...

to her father as tribute.

You know what we call
that in Canada? Manners.

Would either of you
like a Mudslide?

I just had one, thank you.

I'll have a Jazzy Pizzazzy
Razzleberry Rainbow milk shake...

with a swirly straw.

You didn't say the magic word.

I'll go get your drink.

- Still crying, huh?
- Yeah.

We've tried everything short of a
pack of smokes and a cup of coffee.

Still nothing but clean dipeys.

There's only one
explanation for this.

Marvin has potty-trained himself.

He sneaks into the bathroom
while we're sleeping.

I'll ask Barney to check the tapes.

Barney has cameras in our bathroom?

Well, I mean, don't you think?

- Hey, guys.
- Robin, good.

You're here. Bad news.

That wedding band you
wanted is booked for May 25.

Oh, no. What are you gonna do?

Oh! Oh, hey! Here's an idea.

Oh, God, Ted,
if you suggest a deejay...

Far from it.
I was gonna suggest a band.

A band called Kool and the Gang.

Robin, would you like for me...

to get Kool and the Gang
to play at your wedding?

Uh, yeah, I guess so.

And would it be okay if they
invited their friends...

Beyonc? and-and ABBA...

and the Bee Gees and
Journey and Queen?

What? What are you say... How...
How is that even possible?

I'll tell you how.
You hire a deejay.

Wicka-wicka-wicka! Burn.

Ugh! God, this is, like, the 15th time
my dad has sent me a friend request.

- I'm just gonna hit "accept."
- No!

No, no, no. Don't do it, Robin.

- You don't want to see what's behind that door.
- What are you talking about?

He's talking about my
mom's 2,000-word review...

of Fifty Shades of Grey.

And 14 of those words were "vulva."

You're gonna get endless
requests to play some game...

that has something to do
with gangsters and farming.

Never mind the embarrassing
cheerleading photos from high school.

Begged my mom to burn those.

Robin, trust me.

No good can come from
accepting that friend request.

Yeah, I... I think I may have given
you guys the wrong impression.

Okay, my dad is actually
not that bad of a guy.

Do it, Barney.
Squeeze that trigger.

I don't want to do this.

- You think I wanted to kill that bear?
- Yeah, kinda.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

I can't do this.

What... What the hell is this?

Your dad is crazy!

He wanted me to kill Fluffernutter!

- I told you not to give him a name!
- Well, I did!

I gave him a name and a backstory.

He comes from a magical rabbit warren
underneath the old rusty tractor.

He was the runt of the litter,
but he persevered.

Oh, give me this. Give it to me!

Dad, is there, um,
something you wanna tell me?

Well, in the early '80s...

I did some wet work for the C. I.A.

Yes, Daddy. I remember
the bedtime stories.

No, I'm, uh, talking
about your Facebook page?

It says you're married.

Well...

Yes, uh, Carol and I
were in Key Largo...

at a performance of the
recording artist James Buffet.

We're what is known
as Parrot Heads.

And, uh, well, one thing led to the other...

and, uh, we got married.

You didn't want to
tell me about it?

I facebooked it on Facebook.

Okay, you know what, Dad?

Since you obviously
have no interest...

in involving me in
your personal life...

I may as well tell you...
Barney and I are already engaged.

That's right.

I'm behind you on this, Robin.

Directly behind you.

Anyway, this is happening.

And since I wasn't invited to your wedding,
you're not invited to mine.

Good-bye.

Oh, no!

Fluffernutter peed
all over my pants!

So, I just called up that
wedding band's road manager...

to get the number of the people
who booked them for the 25th...

so I could bribe them
into giving up the band.

You did what? That is so dishonest!

No matter what happens next, I
th... I think we can all agree,
you're in the wrong here, Lily.

- It's your number, Ted.
- All right. You got me!

I put a nonrefundable
deposit on that band...

to keep Barney and Robin
from booking them.

And I would've gotten
away with it...

if it wasn't a really
stupid and expensive plan.

Dude, why would you do that?

I don't see what the big deal is.

The big deal is, Robin deserves better
than some crappy, unreliable band.

Sure, bands seem cool with their nice
suits and their well-rehearsed moves...

but let's be honest...
bands let you down.

They... They cheat. They deceive.

And God knows, they've slept
with every girl in New York City.

I just... I can't believe Robin
is going through with marrying...

the idea of getting a band.

And that is... That's a perfectly
normal way to phrase that.

Okay, Ted. Bar.

- Now.
- Nice try.

You're gonna stick
me with that baby...

so that you guys can spend five
minutes sorting out his love life...

followed by an hour of you getting drunk
and pretending to be in The Departed.

You know what? I'm sorry, Lily.

Okay? But I just need to know.

- Are you a cop?
- I'm not a cop!

- Are you a cop?
- I'm not a cop!

Uh-uh.

I got this. Ted. You, me.
Upstairs. Roof. Now.

- What? It's January.
- Move!

Let's cut the crap.
We're both freezing.

- Just say it, and we can go downstairs.
- Say what?

Say how much you hate that Robin
and Barney are getting married.

What? No, I... I'm happy for them.

L-I encouraged Robin
to go after Barney.

I know. Because you thought
you were okay letting her go.

But now that she's
really gone, it hurts.

Kids, at that point in my life...

I'd been hurt quite
a few times already.

Today, we're gonna braid
friendship bracelets.

There's a very
simple explana... Ah!

This one time,
I was playing tennis and...

- Oh! Ow!
- Ow!

Hey, Schmosby. Remember when you
dookied in your pants down by the lake?

Unbelievable!

Oh!

Do you love me?

No.

But when I saw that text message...

and found out Robin was engaged,
it was like...

Ah!

- - There... - - Ooh!

Unbelievable!

- - Ooh! - Aah! - No.

Times a million.

I am happy for them.

Is all you'll let
yourself say out loud.

Because if you said
anything to the contrary...

well, that would make you the
most awful person on this rooftop.

So, I'm gonna give you an out.

And how are you gonna do that?

By saying something that is even more awful.

Like what?

Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mom.

Sometimes I want to pack a bag and
leave in the middle of the night...

and not come back.

Robin shouldn't be with Barney.
She should be with me.

- You serious?
- I don't know.

I mean, I love being a mom.

I... I love Marvin so much.

But do you remember when
I wanted to be an artist?

Art was my whole life.

And-And now it's been months since
I've even picked up a brush.

L-I spend the whole day taking
care of kids at my job...

and I come home,
and it's more of the same.

It just... It never lets up.

It's just really, really hard, Ted.

Have you talked to Marshall
about how you feel?

Have you talked to Robin about how you feel?

Fair enough.

I just think we have to
accept our lots in life...

and I have to be a mom to a...

a beautiful, wonderful...

if slightly constipated,
little boy...

and you have to let Robin
and Barney get a band.

All right. Let's see
what's in this dipey.

Nothin'.

Absolutely nothing.

Hey. Are you finally
giving Daddy a smile?

Oh! Oh, God!

And, no, it wasn't confetti.

Oh! Oh, God!

Please!

Holy confetti!

That night, Robin agreed to
meet her dad one more time.

Your dad has something to say.

I'm sorry for getting married
without consulting you.

It was wrong of me.

There. Now, Robin...

I know that no mere
apology will fix this.

And that is why...

I've asked Carol for a divorce.

- What?
- She's heartbroken, understandably.

- Possibly suicidal.
- I did not tell him...

But if that's the price
for my daughter's love...

then I will gladly
let Carol pay it.

Was that not what you wanted?

You want to know what I want?

A normal dad. That's all.

I... I want you to give this
blond guy permission to marry me.

Come to the wedding. Give me away.

Smile in the pictures, and then
dance with me like a normal dad.

Is that too much to ask?

Of course not.

Oh, Robin, my darling girl,
of course I'll do all that stuff.

I love you, and I'm proud of you.

- He didn't say that?
- No.

Fine. One dance.

"Cheeseburger in Paradise."

And Carol's going to sing it.

Well, see you at the wedding.

But it's kind of amazing.

I mean, he's never
apologized to me in his life.

Barney made it happen.

He must really love me.

He'd be crazy not to.

I'm really happy for you guys.

But I still think you
should get a deejay.

- For God's sakes, Ted.
- Hear me out.

I can't take...

I made a pretty strong case that night,
but in the end, she didn't want a deejay.

She wanted a band. And guess what happened.

That's right. The band
canceled at the last minute...

just like I said they would.

The wedding is in a week,
and no bands.

When will people realize I
always know what's what?

He says to the lesbian he dated for a month.

That's a fair point.

Anyway, you guys wouldn't, uh,
happen to know of any good wedding bands...

available at the last minute,
would you?

Ted, do you believe in destiny?

You really don't know me, do you?

We just had brunch
with my ex-roommate.

- The bass player?
- No, she's not just a bass player.

She's a bass player in the best
wedding band in the tristate area.

They had a gig lined up for this weekend,
but it just fell through this morning.

You, my friend, are gonna save that wedding.

- Do you know any deejays?
- Dude, come on!

Let it go, bro. Just let it go.

All right, all right, all right.
Well, I guess, uh...

Guess it's a lucky thing
I ran into you guys.

And, kids, "lucky"
doesn't even begin to describe it.

Because if Robin and Barney had taken
my stupid advice and hired a deejay...

I never would have met your mother.