How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 22 - Good Crazy - full transcript

[Ted Narrating]
In May of 2012...

Marshall and Lily hosted a baby shower
in the apartment.

All their friends were there.

So, of course, I made sure
to show up exactly-

- [Knocking]
- three hours late.

Oh, no.

- Am I late?
- Little bit.

Oh, I 'm so sorry.
I would have gotten here earlier. It's just, um-

- You didn't want to see Robin.
- I didn't want to see Robin.

I know, it's childish.
She's not here, is she?

Actually-

Oh, no. Am I early?

Little bit.

Whoa. She got you the red stroller?

Looks like I just blew her
out of the water.

Anyway, she left before the party started.

Ah.

I'm really sorry.

I just think it's best if Robin and l
don't see each other for a while.

Ted, it's fine. I'm a child of divorce.

You guys keep fighting all you want,
as long as the expensive gifts keep coming.

Uh, so how was the shower?

It was good.

Although there was one weird moment
with Barney's new stripper girlfriend.

Fifty laps a day?

Oh, my goodness, young lady,
that is a lot.

Oh, is it?

Is it a lot, Grandma Lois?

- Yes, my girlfriend gets naked...
- ## ["Battle Hymn of the Republic"]

and sits on guys' laps for money.

And, yes, sometimes it's as many
as 50 laps in one day.

And maybe society considers
what she does to be "disgusting."

Or "slutty."

Or verging on "prostitution."

Or "actual prostitution."

But you know what? I accept her.

And if you can't do the same...

well, then shame on you.

Shame... on... you.

- ## [Ends]
- We were, um, talking about swimming-

how I sometimes swim 50 laps a day.

Well, it's great cardio.
Lois, can I top off your champagne?

## [Upbeat Pop]

## [Man Vocalizing]

## [Ends]

You know, it's funny.

You tell the average guy
you're dating a stripper...

he thinks it's awesome.

Heck, you tell your mom,
she high-fives you so fast...

she doesn't even take off her oven mitts.

But if they had any idea
how difficult it is-

the jealousy, the insecurity-

those high fives
would be high fives of condolence.

Barney, condolence high fives
are not a thing.

They're a thing.

I'm afraid we're gonna
have to let you go.

Up top.

Ah, listen to me
and my boring couples' problems.

How are you?

- How's the single life?
- I wouldn't know.

After this whole Robin thing,
for the time being, I'm layin' low.

Laying low, as in sleeping
with a really short chick?

- Hmm.
- You guys doin' 39?

I mean I'm not seeing anyone.

I'm just trying to get Robin
out of my head.

You need a palate cleanser.

Barney, please...

don't try to set me up
with Quinn's stripper friends.

- I wouldn't dream of it.
- Why not?

How many hints do I have to drop?

No, I'm thinking of something
much more traditional-

- online dating.
- Yeah. No, thanks.

Come on, Ted, it's 2012.

What do you expect-
to meet some cute travel agent...

when you're readin' a newspaper
at a bookstore?

None of those things exist anymore.

Barney, I will never,
ever, ever try online dating.

[Ted Narrating]
That night, I tried online dating.

And, kids, the first girl I found
was amazing-

beautiful, smart, funny...

huge fan of pre-war architecture.

Favorite poet- Neruda.
Favorite movie- Ghostbusters.

And she didn't hate Cleveland.

She's perfect.

So I sent her an e-mail
inviting her to... mini golf.

[Typing]

[Rings]

- [Beeps]
- Hello.

[Barney] Mini golf?
Who takes a first date to mini golf?

I'm comin' over!

- Oh, Ted, Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted.
- Who buzzed you in?

Did you really think you could start
dating online and I wouldn't find out?

But- Wha- Th-This girl, she-she was-

Me. She was me, Ted.

The photo was just of some girl
I knew you'd never seen before-

a very famous sports anchor on ESPN.

Barney, I don't need you
to help me find a girl online.

Exactly, because I've already done it.

Three girls, in fact.

I scoured the dating sites
using my own personal logarithms...

factoring in a broad spectrum
of variables...

filtering out undesirable
high-risk negatives...

guaranteeing a success rate of 83-

You picked the girls
that showed the most boob.

My methods get results.

Go out with these three girls...

and your palate is going to be so cleansed,
you will see your reflection in it.

And when you do...

you can fix the hair, because-
Have you seen yourself?

No. But you know what I have seen?

Your stripper girlfriend's cans. Wow.

- Wow.
- Wow, wow.

That was going way too far, wasn't it?

I'm sorry. My condolences.

Come on.

Man, Marshall's really
stressing out about this baby.

He's reading every book,
watching breast-feeding documentaries.

I woke up the other day,
he had swaddled me.

Sure, it was the best night's sleep
I have had in months, but still-

You know what his latest thing is?

[Klaxon Blaring]

- What the hell is that?
- [Continues]

[Muffled Grunting]

- [Stops]
- Marshall, what is that?

I rigged this alarm
to go off every three hours.

I'm training myself for the sporadic
sleep patterns of early parenthood.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a practice baby to soothe.

- You got to talk to him.
- Yeah, I'll talk to him tonight.

- Maybe tomorrow morning.
- One last swaddle?

It's just so cozy.
It's like sleeping in a warm burrito.

[Ted Narrating]
Meanwhile, Barney was about to have...

a stripper's boyfriend's worst nightmare.

Karma? Oh, my gosh.

I didn't recognize you
without your legs behind your head.

Darryl. I didn't recognize you
without your creepy trench coat.

- How are you?
- Great. You working tomorrow?

- You know it.
- Great. I'll be there with bells on.

And by "bells,"
I mean super-thin sweatpants.

- [Both Laughing]
- Gross.

He's actually a nice guy.

He's so busy as deputy mayor,
but I always get a card on my birthday.

Quinn, I love the fact
that you're a stripper...

but I hate the fact
that you're a stripper.

Barney, I like my job...

and I do not need to be rescued.

So don't be that guy.

You're right. You're right. I got it.

Forget I said anything.

- I'll see you tonight, Karma?
- You got it, Dirty Larry.

You have to quit your job!

[Ted Narrating] That night, I went out
with the first girl Barney picked for me.

There was just one problem.

Your name is Robin?

Yeah. With a "Y."
[Chuckles]

Oh, "Yobin. "

No, Robyn.

I go by "Scotch and Gun Lover"
in my online profile...

'cause those are my two favorite things.

Well, next to Canada,
my home and native land.

Oh. Canada.

[Ted Narrating]
And just like that...

Robyn became Robin.

How's it goin', Ted?

Oh, good. Hey, look,
Mommy's back from the bar.

- [Door Closes]
- Now I can finally take a shower.

- [Sighs]
- [Kiss]

This diaper smells. I don't want to know.

Okay, Marshall, sit down. We need to talk.

[Sighs]
Look, I know you mean well...

but we have five weeks till the due date.

Can't we use this time to just relax?

We'll figure out how all this stuff works
after the baby comes.

After the baby comes?

Yeah, we'll learn on the job.

Learn on the jo- Huh.

Wow. You know, Lily, maybe the crisis here
isn't that I'm not ready to be a dad.

Maybe it's that
you're not ready to be a mom.

- Excuse me?
- Yeah, you-

[Ted Narrating]
With that, an argument began...

the details of which
are still hotly debated to this day.

For instance, Uncle Marshall
swears he never said-

I 'm the only one making sacrifices
for this baby.

- What?
- And he claims he never
actually uttered the words-

It's like you don't even know
that you're pregnant.

While Lily insists
this part was exaggerated.

Babies are easy. You just watch 'em
be cute and feed 'em spaghetti.

But everyone agrees
this is how the argument ended.

Marshall, what I need now
is some peace, some quiet...

and- now that it's out there-
some spaghetti.

Now please help me off the couch
so I can storm out.

Huh!

[Ted Narrating] The next day,
I filled Barney in on my date.

Oh, Yobin.

No, Robyn.

And for the rest of the night, every time
I looked at her, I just saw Robin's face.

Well, I should hope so.

No, our Robin. Robin with an "l."

Uh, our Robin has two eyes, my friend.

But that's good.
You're forgetting what she looks like.

I'm sorry. That must have been tough.

If anyone knows
what that feels like, it's me.

My condolences.

Okay, moving on.

Next girl, perfect palate cleanser.
Nothing like Robin.

How nothing?

I gaze out into the world...

and all I see is an icy place
where dreams die.

Ooh, lasagna.

How's it goin', Ted?

What? No! What- Wha- Why?

Remember? I made lasagna that one time.

That's all it takes?
It wasn't even lasagna.

You took your botched kugel
and poured tomato sauce on it.

I didn't say it was good lasagna.

By the way,
what are you doing with this girl?

With tattoos all up and down her arms
and everywhere else.

Hello. Good gravy.

Does that dragon's tail
go all the way down to her-

Oh, yes, it does.

Well, what do you want me to do, Robin?

I have to get over you somehow,
and if this is what it takes-

Are you okay?

Yeah. Why?

You kind of spaced out there. Weirdo.

"So in summation, I'm very, very sorry.

I guess I just wanted you all to myself...

and then I thought
of all the creepy guys groping at your-

Okay, I'm getting mad again,
so I'm going to stop writing now.

Please enjoy these chocolates.
May contain peanuts."

Kiss and make up?

[Chuckles]

Have sex up against the window
and make up?

[Laughs]
Well, you do have a great view.

Well, funny you should mention that.
It's your view.

Come again for Big Fudge?

Congratulations. You're hired.

You are Goliath National Bank's
newest executive strategy coordinator.

What is an executive strategy coordinator?

It's three corporate-sounding words
which, when added together...

equal a fake job
for which you get a real paycheck...

in the amount
of exactly what you'd make stripping.

Plus dental. You're "welcs."

Now about that up-against-the-window sex-

- Dude, I don't want to work for a bank.
- Why not?

Because I have standards.
You people are whores.

The things you're willing to do
just for some money, it's shameful.

You work in a strip club.

Yeah, and I like it, and I'm good at it.

Barney, if I took this job,
you would own me.

I would be willingly
stepping into a cage...

which is something I don't do.

Except on Thursdays,
when it's cage night at the Lusty Leopard...

but that's a cardboard cage,
and I can get out of it any time I want.

You can?

Wow. Thanks for ruining cage night.

- Come on, Quinn.
- No.

- I wouldn't-
- No. Don't.

I think I have some thinking to do.

I-
[Sighs]

Mr. Stinson, does this mean
I get to keep my job?

[Sighs]
Yeah, Herm, you can stay.

Hey, baby, listen,
I'm-I'm sorry I flipped out.

No, that's okay.

To be fair, maybe I'm at fault
for loving our child too much...

although that is the definition
of parenting, so-

All right, good makeup.
Hey, listen, I went online...

and I found this baby boot camp thing...

that they're doing at a hotel
in Paramus this weekend.

Baby boot camp? That sounds great.

- Yeah, it's a two-day event.
- We're going.

- And there's lots of seminars and classes.
- You've already made the sale.

- Anyway, I signed us up.
- Not even listening anymore.

Mentally packing and trying to figure out
the best way to get to Paramus...

without hitting any tolls.
This is gonna be great!

And that was the last time I'll ever
go out with a guy with a mustache.

[Both Laugh]

[Thinking]
This is good. This is nice.

Not thinking about you-know-who.

Just having a good time...

and thanking God
I didn't grow that mustache.

And you, you're so polite.

My ex-fianc?, Wayne, he had no manners.

[Thinking]
Wayne had no manners. Wayne Manners.

Wayne Manor, home of Bruce Wayne...

better known as Batman...

mentor to Dick Grayson,
his orphaned ward...

who at night would don the colorful
vestments of the Boy Wonder, a. k. a. -

Robin!

Holy long walk
for a short drink of water, Ted.

Stop this. I need you
out of my life for real.

- You don't mean that.
- Yes, I do.

No, you don't.
Look how much is changing right now.

Marshall and Lily are having a baby.

Barney's shacking up with a girl.

With your whole world
turning upside down...

isn't a friendship like this one...

something you want to hold onto
as tightly as possible?

Every time I look at you, it hurts.

And that's the story
of my only lesbian experience.

I'm sorry for going into so much detail.

I'll never tell that story again.

Anyway, how's your meal?

Holly, listen,
I should probably tell you, um...

I'm kind of getting over someone right now.

I am so glad you said that.

I guess I'm still getting over Wayne.
It's been really hard.

Can I interest you in some sorbet?

You two look like
you could both use a palate cleanser.

Ohh.
[Exhales]

How's your palate, Ted?

Pretty cleansed.

[Both Chuckle]

Oh. You know, at this seminar,
there's gonna be the one guy
who's like Mr. Parenting Expert.

Keeps interrupting the speakers
with his own "important facts."

And you're gonna be sittin' right next to him,
so get ready for that.

Baby, you've been
a little sleep deprived lately.

Why don't you let me drive?

You know what? That's not such a bad idea.

I mean, the last thing we want is
for me to get behind the wheel and just-

[Snoring]

[Chuckles, Sniffs]

Mmm.
[Sniffs]

Oh, baby, you smell good.

When we get to that hotel, I'm gonna
wear your pregnant belly like a hat.

You'll have to buy me
a couple of cocktails first.

Bar-Barney? Where are we.

Atlantic City, baby!

Well, in 14 miles.

What the hell is going on?

And where is Lily?

And what did you do to the practice baby?

And is there any left?

Lily was worried about you.
She thought you needed to unwind, so-

I mean, the last thing we want is for me
to get behind the wheel and just-

[Snoring]

[Barney Narrating] She made reservations
for two deluxe rooms, massages...

and dinner at The Palm,
and, in return, I made her cookies.

So there's no baby boot camp
at the Paramus Waldorf?

Is there even a Paramus Waldorf?

Bro.

I am so mad at Lily right now.

She knew you would be.
That's why she packed this.

Oh. My "mad at Lily" shirt.

I had this made for me
and my high school girlfriend, Steph.

In reality, "Marshall and Steph forever"...

turned out to be
"Marshall and Steph for two days...

until Steph's boyfriend
got out of juvie a week early."

Drives Lily crazy when I wear it.

I hope she's miserable without me.

- Hey, Ted. How's tricks?
- Tricks are pretty good, Lou.

Had some girl trouble
earlier in the week, but, uh...

I got a feelin', from here on out, things
are gonna be A-o- You son of a bitch!

Hello.

- [All Cheer]
- Yeah!

Lily's right.

- I've been acting crazy.
- Nah, it's okay, bro.

I mean, yeah, you've been a little crazy.

But it comes from love.

It's the same kind of crazy that makes
a man offer his stripper girlfriend...

over half a million dollars
of government bailout money...

not to rub up on other guys' junk.

It's good crazy.

[All Groaning]

- I hope Lily's okay.
- Okay.

You know, that's it, bro. We're both
turnin' off our phones for one hour.

Motion denied.

Okay, you leave me no choice.

Proposal: You give me one hour
of phone-free bro time...

during which we- and by we, I mean you-

get magnificently, mythologically drunk.

I'm talkin' needing subtitles
when you speak drunk.

If you can give me that...

I will wear this.

The-The ducky tie?
I thought you threw that thing away.

I did.

It came back.

All right, Barney.
You got yourself a deal.

[Laughs]

Um, excuse me, miss.

Um, when you get a chance, could you bring
over a hundred shots of tequila, please?

I'll have the same.

- Why are you still here?
- Why do you think I'm still here?

I guess because I'm in love with you.

Why else would I be seeing your face
everywhere I look?

Because you feel bad.

Of course I feel bad.

I told you I love you, which is apparently
the worst thing you can say to someone.

That's not why you feel bad.

You feel bad because after you said it,
you let me go away.

I know our relationship
isn't exactly what you want it to be.

And I know I may not love you
the way you love me...

but I do love you.

Isn't that worth hanging onto?

[Sighs]

I miss you.

So go get me back.

Ohh! Ahh!

- Robin.
- Ted.

It's good to really see you.
I mean, it's really good to see you.

Look, I think we need to talk.

- Uh, me, too, but now's not a good time.
- Why not?

I am proud of you, bro.

You turned off your phone for one hour,
and you got so drunk-

[Mumbling]

Exactly.

Hey, Zed.

Yes, Marshall?

[Mumbling]

Well, I don't see why not.

[Beeps]

Whoa! I've got 17 new voice mails.

Barney, it's Lily. You guys need to
get back to New York right away.

I'm in labor.

Whoo! All hail Beercules!
[Laughing]

Yeah!
[Laughs]

All right, Barney.
You got yourself a deal.

[Laughs]

- Hey. You've reached Marshall.
Please leave a message.
- [Beeps]

Hey, baby, it's me.

I think I'm in labor.

[Laughs]
We should do this every weekend.

- [Beeps]
- Okay, this is real.

It's not a false alarm.
This is real. I'm in labor.

I kind of need you to call me back now.

How does somebody so little
have such strong fingers?

- [Beeps]
- Where are you? Call me!

He is the manager of the Paramus Waldorf.

You come to Paramus, we will hook you up!

- [Beeps]
- If you're trying to get back at me...

you have chosen
a wildly inappropriate way of doing so!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.