How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 1 - The Best Man - full transcript

Kids, if there's one
big theme to this story--

and I swear,
we're totally, almost,

not really all that close
to the end-- it's timing.

Timing is everything.

For example, I never
would met your mother

if it weren't for a wedding.

The last wedding
I ever thought I'd be at.

What do you think of this tie?

Oh, thank God.

Barney Stinson needs you
right before his wedding,

you assume there's at least
one dead hooker in the closet,

right?

Is this one better?

Look, the tie is great, and,
you know, it's perfectly normal

to have some
pre-wedding jitters.

I'm not having jitters.

It just occurs to me

that once I put this tie on,
I can never take it off.

I have to wear this tie
forever and ever.

And sure, this tie's skinny now,

but what happens if it gets fat
and starts bossing me around?

Did I make a mistake?

Would I have been happier
with the other tie?

Ted, can I tell you
a big secret?

Yeah, of course.

I'm not really talking
about the tie.

No, I got that, Barney.

I wonder if this whole
thing's a disaster.

What if this is
the worst wedding ever?

Not possible.

We've already been
to the worst wedding ever.

Punchy's wedding.

Marshall really took
a two flusher on that one.

The story of how
Uncle Marshall ruined

my friend Punchy's wedding

starts in September, 2011.

Punchy had asked me
to be his best man.

Hey.
Hey.

Guys, before we go,
would you mind

reading my wedding toast?

Oh, yeah, no problem.
Sure.

Um, all right,
if I have to.

All right.
Whoa.

There's a few
different versions.

Ted, why are you working
so hard on this toast?

Punchy belched his proposal

through a karaoke mic
at a bowling alley.

Okay, look, I've never
told you guys this,

but over the years, a few
of my old high school buddies

have asked me
to give wedding toasts,

and they haven't gone great.

Somehow those weddings
all fell smack-dab

in the worst moments
of my life.

Joel and Mora's love
is a beautiful thing.

I thought I had that...

till my fianc?e left me
at the altar last week.

I was asked not to talk
about this, so I won't.

I sit outside her house
at night sometimes.

She got a haircut.

After I lost my job last week,

uh, I was asked not
to give this toast...

No, no, no!

The happy couple
needs to hear this.

Things end.

But from the ashes of your
statistically probable divorce,

hope can rise anew.

That is why I'm starting
my own architecture firm--

Mosbius Designs.

Mosbius Designs has failed.

But Alex and Jessica's love
reminds us that...

Oh, God!

Classic Schmosby.

Whoa. Punchy posted the low
points of your life online?

Oh, not just that.

? Mosbius Designs has failed ?

? But Alex and Jessica's love
reminds us that... ?

? Tha-tha-tha-tha-tha... ?

Oh, God!

So now I seem like
a total train wreck

to all my old
high school friends.

And a bunch of people
in Finland.

The auto-tune thing got
kind of big over there.

That's why I have
to nail this toast.

Ted, you want to nail
something at this wedding--

lose the Trapper Keeper.

The only thing you need
to bring to Cleveland

is this.

That fall I became

the youngest architect
in the history of New York

to break ground
on a skyscraper.

Which led to a glowing
magazine feature.

I planned on having it framed--

Uncle Barney had
different plans.

Here's your toast--

"Single file, ladies.
No fatties""

That's ridiculous.

Yeah, you're right.
It's Cleveland.

"Single file, ladies""

I'm not going
to Punchy's wedding

to brag about a magazine...

cover.

Barney, he doesn't need
dating advice from you.

You never even called Nora.

Kids, you remember Nora.

But just the other day...

I'll call you.
It's never too late, Barney.

Or did you call her?

Not that I care.
Did you?

I don't care. Did you?

I haven't called her.

Buddy.
Damn it, Barney.

I was really, really, really
rooting for you two.

Who wants hot wings?

I'm in.

Or maybe we should just pour
hot sauce on Barney,

since he's a total chicken.

I did not chicken out.

Nora is looking for
something serious.

I'm not. End of story.

And yes, Robin, I would
love some wings.

Cannibal.

Okay, next round's on me.

Oh, no, we got it.
No, no...

Now Lily and Marshall
had just found out

they were having a baby.

I can't wait to tell everyone.
Baby, no,

we can't tell anyone.
Not until three months.

I don't want to jinx it.

That's a bit superstitious,
don't you think?

Whenever we board a flight,
you lick the plane.

Have we crashed
even once?

Don't say a word until we
know everything's okay. Deal?

Deal. But everything's
just going to be great.

I promise.

How can you guarantee that?

Come here.

I'm just so happy.
I don't know how

we're going to keep this secret
for three months.

Relax. It'll be easy.

What'll you have?

Four beers, plus
one non-alcoholic.

You're pregnant!
Get in here!

And so we all headed
to my hometown

where we planned to celebrate

Punchy's big day.

Uncle Barney had
different plans.

Get ready, Cleveland.

The last man to
screw you this hard

then disappear
was LeBron James.

You're trying
to get laid here?

What?
God, Barney,

tonight is a magical night

between Ted's annoying
friend and what's-her-face.

Have some respect.

This isn't just getting laid.

This is market research.

You see, my legendary
success rate of 83%...

17-- it's always
the inverse.

...doesn't happen by accident.

Every single play
I run on women

has been
meticulously field-tested.

By weeding out

the bad plays in smaller markets
like Cleveland,

I know which ones will work
in New York.

For example,

tonight marks
the inaugural flight

of the escaped manslaughterer.

Are escaped
manslaughterers sexy?

Not even remotely.
No. No.

Exactly.
We'll never know unless

I try it out tonight.

Schmosby!
Oh!

Turd-faces! What's up?!

You really feel
that ring now.

So glad you all made it.

Open bar. Drink up,
turd-faces,

'cause Kelly's dad's
paying for all this,

and he hates my guts.

It's true.

Who's doing shots?
Come on, let's go.

Oh, no, thank you.

What are you pregnant
or something?

Let's get hammered!

You're drinking
for two tonight, baby.

I will do this for the child.

- Go Browns!
- Go Browns!

In AFC regular season play,

but if they mean the
Super Bowl, go Vikings.

Yowza!

Escaped manslaughterers--
not sexy.

Although in hindsight,

that was kind
of a flawed concept.

Next up, patient zero.

Lily, we are getting
sloshed tonight.

That's all you, baby.

I'll be four shots in
with no food.

In nine months, I'll be pushing
a pumpkin-headed Eriksen baby

out of my hoo-ha.

I think Papa can manage
a few extra cocktails.

Well played.

Hakuna Matata!

I, uh, I got
to get some air.

Kids, remember how I told you

Marshall ruined
Punchy's wedding?

That wasn't it.

God, will you look
at that guy.

I wish Barney

were my boyfriend again.

No, thanks.

Wait a minute.
That's your truth voice.

My what?

Whenever you're trying to pass
something off as a joke

but it's actually profoundly
true, you use that voice.

I wish the Spice Girls
would get back together.

They were awesome.

The worst.

That was me.

I totally cut one.

That guy.

Birthday present
from my dad.

All I really want is for him

to tell me that he loves me.

Just kidding.

This pen's enough.

It's not enough.

It's totally enough.

Oh, my God.

You still have
feelings for Barney.

Admit it, you still have
feelings for Barney.

You are drunker than I thought.

I mean,

look at the guy.
Wait, wait, wait.

Before you go, please answer
the following survey

to help me better
bang you in the future.

What didn't work for you
about this play?

Did you A) not believe

I was a Guinness Book
world record holder?

or B) did the fingernails
gross you out?

Th...

I can't wait for
your toast, Schmosby.

Yeah, here come
the waterworks.

Wait. You're rooting for me to
melt down at your own wedding?

Yeah, everyone is.

Plus a few new friends
from Finland.

Hey, good luck, Schmos.

Good luck, good luck.

Take it.

Show them how awesome you are.

Shamelessly plug yourself,
so you can shamelessly plug,

let's say that.
I told you,

I'm not here to brag, okay?

That's it.

You're too polite to brag.

Well, fine.

Let me.

Because the only person
on Earth

who loves Ted Mosby
more than Marshall Eriksen,

is drunk Marshall Eriksen.

So game on.

Kids, remember how I told you

Marshall ruined Punchy
and Kelly's wedding?

That wasn't it either.

Barney and I tried and failed.

That was two years ago.

Why would I ever
go down that road again?

It wouldn't even
make sense.

It doesn't have to make sense.
It's chemistry.

Look, I've always had a sixth
sense about these things.

And now that I'm pregnant...

with this idea
in my mind-uterus,

I see things
even clearer.

You and Barney have the kind
of chemistry

that just doesn't go away.

Really? Then why is he trying
to LeBron anything that moves?

Did this not work for you

because A) vampires
are played out,

or B) claiming that I also
invented Facebook

was kind of a hat on a hat?

You're the reason

he never called Nora.

You're the reason he's only
test-marketing tonight.

And you're the
reason he keeps

striking out on purpose.

Chemistry.

Whoa! Ted!

Is that really you

on the cover of
New York magazine?

Now, you say "yes""

Please stop.
Schmosby.

What's this about a magazine?

You know what, Clay?
It's no big deal.

You know what?
It is a big deal.

Clay, my friend Ted is
designing a skyscraper, Clay.

What have you been
up to, Clay?

Well, I'm still working
at the rental car company...

Bravo, bravo, Clay.

Any major publications
want to write an article

on your sweet
rental car gig?

No, no articles.

My life's pretty dull.

I guess the only news is
this little gal.

Oh, my God,
wook at the wittle baby.

She is so cute.

All I want to do
is put her little feet

in my mouth.

You've created something
truly beautiful.

She is my everything.

I mean, it's kind
of a big deal...

the building,
you know?

Hey, little one.

So, this little angel's
already sleeping

through the night?

I've had some
sleepless nights...

designing this building.

Aw...

Nothing symbolic
about that.

Let it go.

There is no chemistry left
between me and Barney.

We're done.

Oh really? Prove it.
Go tell him.

Why would I go
tell him that?

Because deep down, even if he
isn't aware of it himself,

Barney wants to be with you.

And if it's not
gonna happen,

he deserves to know.

Fine.

Barney, just so everything
is crystal clear...

I know what you're gonna say.

Let's show Cleveland how
it's done.

? The chills that you spill
up my back ?

? Leave me filled
with satisfaction ?

? When we're done, satisfaction
of what's to come ?

? I couldn't ask for another ?
? Uh-huh, uh-huh ?

? Now I couldn't ask
for another ?

? Groove is in the heart ?

? Groove is in the heart ?

? Groove is in the heart ?
? Ask your mama ?

? Groove is in the heart ?

? One, two, three ?

? Groove is in
your heart ?

? Groove is in the heart ?

? Groove is in
the heart ?

? Groove is in the heart ?

? Groove is in the heart. ?

Barney... I...

Sorry.

Oh, my God, it's Nora.

Nora's finally
calling me back.

Wait, you said you
never called her.

I lied. I called her,
like, five times.

Wait, wait!

You of all people
know how much

I suck at these things.
You gotta help me. Please?

Just once I would like

to see what it feels like
to not screw things up.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

Okay.

Hey, Nora.
Thanks for calling me back.

Um, hey, hi.
The-the-the reason that, um,

I called is, uh...

To tell you how
I feel about you.

...to tell you how
I feel about you.

I know we didn't work
out the first time...

I know we didn't work out
the first time...

...and I know it doesn't
make any sense...

...and I know it doesn't
make any sense...

...but I can't shake the feeling
that we belong together.

...but I can't shake
this feeling

that we belong together.

Is there any part of you
that wants to try again?

Is there any part of you
that wants to try again?

Baby, I can't take it anymore.

I've gotta tell somebody
that we're pregnant.

Eriksen, stay strong.

We're keeping this secret.

There's babies everywhere.

It's like a minefield
of cuteness.

Look at this little bastard.

Marshall, stop it.
Stay strong.

You can't let holding some,
some little baby...

oh, with the cute
little cheeks

and the... the little arms

and little legs...

This son of a bitch
has knee dimples.

Let's go tell everyone
I'm pregnant.

Yeah!

You okay?

Nope. You?

Not excessively.

You want to talk
about it?

Not even a little.

Might make you feel better.

Okay, fine,
I'll make you a deal:

you go first, and then I'll
stick with my thing

about not talking about it.

Okay.

All my friends from high school,

they're here with their wives,
their kids.

Me? My date for the night
is a sticky magazine.

Sounds like high school
all over again.

Sorry, it was right there.

I used to believe in destiny,
you know?

I'd go to the bagel place,
see a pretty girl in line

reading my favorite novel,
whistling the song

that's been stuck in my head
all week and I'd think,

"Wow. Hey, maybe she's
the one."

Now I think, "I just know

"that bitch is gonna take

the last whole-wheat everything
bagel."

You've just been focused
on work.

No, it's more than that.

I've stopped believing.

Not in some depressed,

"I'm gonna cry
during my toast" way.

Not in a way I even noticed
until tonight.

It's just, every day,
I think I believe a little less

and a little less
and a little less.

And that... sucks.

What do I do
about that, Scherbatsky?

You're Ted Mosby.

You start believing again.

In what, destiny?

Chemistry.

If you have chemistry,
you only need one other thing.

What's that?

Timing.

But timing's a bitch.

Hey, we still have
our 40 deal, right?

If we're both still
single at 40...

I'm all yours.
Hmm

Unrelated, do architects make
big money?

Aggressively
medium money.

Damn it.

Schmosby, you're up
in two minutes.

Okay, promise me two things,

one) you start believing again,

and two) don't cry
during the toast, Schmosby.

I promise.

Good.

We're having a baby.

What, for real?

For real.

Oh!
Oh!

Attention, everyone!

It's time for the reason
we're all here tonight.

Schmosby's toast!

We're here tonight
to celebrate love.

Love brings us new life...

Hey!

This isn't a meltdown.

These are tears of joy.

Ted is happy for his friends

'cause he's the best guy
that I know.

And do you know why he's happy?

Because this beautiful lady
right here is pregnant.

How did you know that?!

That was supposed
to be a secret!

Turns out...

Go Browns!

Go Browns!
Whoo!

In AFC regular season play,

but if they mean the
Super Bowl, go Vikings.

How dare you.

That's my daughter,
you piece of garbage.

You're still gonna pay
for all this, right?

"Piece of garbage"?
That's my son.

And that is how Marshall
destroyed Punchy's wedding.

But we didn't care.

There was gonna be a sixth
member of our little family.

No wedding will ever,
ever be as bad

as that one, right?

I picked the right tie,
didn't I?

You nailed it.

And hey, just be glad
it's not the ducky tie.

Ooh, the ducky tie.

That's a good story kids.
I'll get to that.

Man, we are not even close
to the end.

You're a good
best man, Ted.

You're gonna cry during
the toast, aren't you?

Oh, I'm totally gonna cry.

Come in.

Ted, the bride wants to see you.

Okay.

Really? You're gonna go
with that tie?