How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 6, Episode 9 - Glitter - full transcript
While Barney finds a new video from Robin's Canadian teen star past, Lily fears that a baby could come between her friendship with Robin. Meanwhile, Ted's obnoxious old friend, "Punchy," comes from Cleveland for a visit.
NARRATOR: Kids, in the
fall of 2010, it seemed like
Aunt Lily could only talk
about one thing: babies.
Oh, God, I have been
craving this burger all day.
Do you know
what plays a huge role
in helping a woman
conceive? Hmm.
Cervical mucus.
(gagging)
Oh, my God, I can't wait
to see this movie.
I hear it's really scary.
Oh, change of plans.
I thought violent
images wouldn't be good
for my future fetus,
so instead, I rented this
video of a live water birth.
(splashing on TV)
(screaming)
They don't know
what it is.
It just showed up
on my mom's X-ray.
Look at this crib.
NARRATOR: But all in
all, it wasn't a problem.
That is, until the night
of Barney's boutonniere.
MARSHALL:
Oh, you're wearing a flower.
Thank you.
Ah, didn't compliment. Just
observed. BARNEY: I know.
Isn't it? Why are
you wearing that?
Why does Barney
do anything ever?
Exactly. Science.
There is an 83% correlation
between the times
men wear boutonnieres
and the times
they get laid. Hmm.
Think about it.
Proms, weddings.
Mm-hmm.
Grandmas' funerals.
Thanks for
the redhead, Nana.
The "everyday boutonniere"
by Stinson.
And nope.
I'm sorry, Barney, but
no girl is going home
with a guy with a
flower on his chest.
Unless he's a clown, and
she's in the trunk of his car.
Along with 50 other clowns.
(laughing)
It's a clown car.
Oh.
Robin, did you know
that boutonniere is French
for "bootie is near?"
Hmm.
True story.
Une histoire vraie.
Hmm! Did you know
that Barney is French
for "sad little guy who works
way too hard to get laid""
Woman, you best
check yourself.
Yeah, on the bright side,
I guess suits are pretty
boring without them, so...
(gasps) Madam...
that is an insult that
cannot be borne!
I demand satisfaction!
What, are we gonna duel?
No. I'm going to show everyone
this embarrassing video of you.
It's Robin Sparkles III, y'all!
(all screaming and yelling)
NARRATOR:
Kids, by this point, we knew
Aunt Robin had been a teen pop
sensation
in Canada,
known as Robin Sparkles.
And we also knew that
her Robin Sparkles character
came from a Canadian TV show,
which we'd never seen...
until now.
I cannot wait to see
what's on this DVD!
Oh, you haven't watched it yet?
No, of course not.
I wanted my first time to be
with someone I cared about.
LILY: Sweet! I get
that a lot. Well, once.
Hey, Robin,
do you want
to go get a Korean massage
on Saturday?
Oh, I'd love to.
I've got this knot in my neck
that's so annoying.
Yeah, I figured
I should get one now
because once I get pregnant,
no more massages.
Just so annoying.
Okay.
(upbeat music plays on TV)
Space Teens?!
Is this a porno?
No, no. Dude, dude. Sweet!
It's a kids' show.
Oh.
MEN:
Yeah! Yeah!
TED:
I don't know.
This does have all
the earmarks of porn.
Stripper pole,
bad lighting,
delusional girl
who thinks
it's a stepping stone
to mainstream success.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a big old
bowl of pornflakes.
BARNEY:
Whoa! And who is this
exquisite keytarist I assume
you're about
to make sweet love to?
Oh, that's Jessica Glitter.
She was my BFF on the show
and in real life.
Ah, BFFs.
Did you guys have sleepovers?
Get mad at each other
and wrestle,
but then end up kissing
in a tender embrace?
Here, show us on Lily.
Barney, you know what?
If you're going
to be disgusting,
we're not watching this, okay?
Yeah. Come on, Barney.
It's just a cute
little story about...
What exactly is this about?
Oh, two average
Canadian teenagers
who solve crimes
in space using math.
That sounds ridiculous.
So sue me.
Like the producers of
Milky Way Mathletes tried to.
(synthesizer
and drum music playing)
(both giggling)
Great job using
long division
to catch that
space burglar, eh?
Well, what can I say?
He'll be in galactic jail
for the remainder of his life.
(robot trilling)
Sparkles, Glitter,
we're about
to enter an asteroid belt, eh.
(gasps)
Brace for turbulence!
BOTH:
Oh. Oh.
LILY: I have to say,
as much as I hate
to agree with Barney,
this does seem to be
a veritable pornucopia.
Okay, guys, come on.
It's a kids' show!
Like Electric Company
or Sesame Street or, um...
You can't do that
on television.
Exactly.
No.
You can't do that on television!
♪ ♪
TED:
Robin,
this show is so dirty, I
don't know whether to hug you
or run a shower for you
so you can sit there alone,
crying and clenching
your knees.
It's just bad camera work, okay?
Wayne, our camera guy--
he wasn't that great.
I don't know. I think
he did a pretty good job,
considering he was probably
only using one hand.
(laughter)
You know what?
I feel bad for you Americans,
that you can look
at this wondrous and educational
adventure through space,
and see something obscene.
Can you just please try
to look at this
with the innocence of a child?
Innocence of a child.
Innocence of a child.
Coming up.
Here we go.
Girls, if you want
to get through the asteroid
belt, you've got
to use
multiplication.
To the joystick!
Okay, Space Teens,
let's multiply!
Five times six?
Oh. 30.
Yes!
Oh!
Seven times four?
GLITTER: 28! Keep going!
Eight times nine?
72!
Don't stop now!
Almost there!
23 times three?
Oh...
(all protesting)
I'm sorry.
We got to ration this.
It's like
we're on a desert island,
and this video
is a really hot, naked chick,
and she's got, like, seaweed
on her and a seashell bra.
You all feel me?
Hey,
if you and Jessica are BFFs,
how come we've never met her?
Okay, well,
it was a long time ago, okay?
I get a Christmas card
from her every year,
but we're not really friends
anymore.
But BFFs are forever.
MARSHALL:
Oh, come on, Lily.
Nobody stays friends
with their high school friends.
I'm still friends
with Punchy.
Dude, he lives in Cleveland.
You see him once a year,
at which point,
he punches you really hard
in the arm
and tells everyone
how you dookied your pants.
I know, on paper
he sounds great,
but you guys
aren't really friends.
Look, I may not see him a lot,
but it doesn't matter.
Observe.
(phone ringing)
Schmosby!
Punchy!
Schmosby!
Punchy!
(high-pitched):
Schmosby! Punchy!
Schmoosby!
Punchy!
Hey, good talking to you, Ted.
Yeah, you, too.
If you're ever in New York.
Definitely.
We are just two peas.
I don't get it.
How can you and Glitter just
stop being friends?
Best friends don't do that.
Well, we did, okay?
And I haven't talked to her
in, like, five years,
so just drop it.
I got to go.
Whoa.
What do you think came
between Robin and Jessica?
TED:
Much like our friends,
the Space Teens,
I think I can
solve this crime with math.
Okay... Okay, here
is a Christmas card
that Jessica sent Robin.
Lily, how old would you say
that kid is?
Four years, three months.
Which means Jessica got pregnant
five years ago.
Right around the time she
and Robin stopped being friends.
Of course. Robin hates kids.
The last thing
she would want to do
is hang out
with some little brat.
Thus, if I may...
(clears throat)
When Glitter's womb
a fruit did bear,
Robin said, "To hell with this,
I'm outta hare."
Glitter got pregnant,
so Robin dumped her.
Oh.
Oh, got... Wow.
That's got to be it, right, Lil?
Lil?
Robin's gonna dump me!
Oh, sweetheart.
Aha.
When a second uterus
plumped becomes...
Dude.
Feel the room.
(sighs)
No.
We've been waiting all day!
Just watch it without me.
Two dudes on the couch
together watching porn?
That's kind of weird.
Okay, it's not porn,
it's a kids' show.
Two dudes watching
a kids' show might be worse.
(sighs)
Okay, fine,
I'll watch it with you.
Yeah! (giggles)
But if either of you
makes even one peep
about the show being dirty,
I'm turning it off.
We...
I'm serious.
(sighs)
Hey Jessica, how's your beaver?
Great.
How's your beaver?
Busy as ever!
(stifled laughter)
Our characters
had pet beavers.
(giggles)
Sure.
The beaver is the official
animal of Canada.
(stifled laughter)
It's our national mascot.
It's a noble creature.
Okay, girls.
Everyone knows a beaver's
favorite food is wood.
I just hope
we brought along enough of it
for our three-day
galactic space journey.
So let's do the math.
If Robin's beaver devours
six inches of wood
every half hour,
and Jessica's beaver
devours eight inches
of wood every 45 minutes,
how much wood will I need
to keep both of these beavers
well-fed all weekend long?
(Ted and Barney
burst out laughing)
ROBIN:
While you figure it out at home,
how about we sing you a song
about our beavers?
(upbeat song plays)
BOTH:
Hey!
No! You don't get
to hear the beaver song!
It is a sweet song
about friendship,
and you guys are being
disgusting,
and beavers are adorable!
No arguments here.
(knocking on door)
'Sup Shmosby!
Punchy, what are
you doing here?
Well, yesterday you said
if I was ever in New York.
'Sup, turds?
(groans)
Okay, uh, uh, where
are you staying?
In your mom's pants.
Trick. She's old.
Hey, don't worry
about me.
I'm cool on the couch.
Whoa. He's staying here?
You're staying here?
I know! It's so good, right?
Feel like you're dreaming?
But check your totem, brah.
Punchy's here in the flesh.
So, why don't we get
one of these, Ted?
Yeah. Remember these?
High school?
Junior high? Yeah.
Elementary school?
Remember those?
Look, look, Punchy's
here. Yeah, yeah.
Hey, Schmosby, remember
when you dookied
in your pants
down by the lake?
Unbelievable!
(grunts)
Hey, Schmosby, remember
when you dookied on our couch
in the form of your idiot
high school friend?
(laughs)
Unbelievable!
Come on. I worry about the guy.
He's had the same dead-end job
at a car rental place
for 15 years.
Don't care.
He's been stuck in Cleveland
his whole life.
Get a hotel.
Robin...
LeBron.
(sighs)
Okay, one night.
Got to go.
Hey.
Where are you going?
We just got here.
Oh, a Korean massage.
By yourself?
Well, I figured
you'd be busy,
reading What to Expect When
You're Expecting to Expect.
Guys, did you see that?
She's going to a Korean
massage without me.
That's our thing.
I'm telling you,
she's gonna dump me,
just like she
dumped Glitter.
Lily, come on. We don't even
know that's what happened.
Um, hello, somebody
already solved that crime
using math, remember?
Look, Lily.
Robin is clearly
getting tired
of you constantly
talking about babies.
I don't.
(men groan)
Lily, how old am I?
384 months.
Busted!
Okay. So before you Lily
all over the place,
maybe you should try
hanging out with Robin
and not talking
about babies.
So Lily did just that.
She tried not
to talk about babies.
Hey, Lily, what brings you
to the crib?
(whines)
Crib...
What's the matter?
You look rattled.
Rattled?
(groans)
I want to talk about babies.
What?
Look, I know you
don't care about this stuff,
but I'm about
to become a mother.
And as a future mother,
I'm gonna need
the support...
Oh, my God!
You're not even pregnant yet.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that a fertilized egg
has not yet attached itself
to the lining
of your uterine wall.
You see?
I read your Facebook updates.
God, it's like it's all
you ever talk about, Lily,
and I'm sick of it!
Well, guess what?
I've got some good news.
When that baby comes,
you don't have to see it.
In fact,
you don't have to see me.
This whole friendship thing?
Done.
Great.
Great.
For crying out loud.
You broke up with Robin?
I had to.
We were growing apart,
and we're better off
without each other.
Okay, Lily, you sound about
as convincing as you did
the time you
"accidentally" shredded
my Joey Buttafuoco pants.
No!
Get on the phone, call
Robin and fix this.
I can't.
The damage is done.
(sobbing)
Can you just hold me?
You know what? No.
I don't agree
with what you did,
and so I refuse
to comfort you,
despite how adorable
you are when you cry.
Okay.
Okay. Maybe just one cuddle,
but then that is it.
Times Square's the bomb!
I got so many great pictures
of all the billboards.
Yeah. You know,
there's more to New York
than Times Square.
There's the Village, the Lower
East Side, Central Park...
They got better billboards
then the ones in Times Square?
No.
Times Square's the bomb!
Here. You know what?
Hold this, okay?
I'm going
to go pee in the jar
I got going
in the alley.
(huffs)
Seriously, dude,
he has got to go.
You need to be like,
(as Anne Robinson): "You are
the weakest link. Goodbye."
(as Jeff Probst):
Punchy, the tribe has spoken.
(as Padma Lakshmi): Please
pack up your knives and go.
(as China Chow):
Your work of art
didn't work for us.
(as Flavor Flav):
Your time's up.
(as Mike Richards):
I have to ask you
to leave the mansion.
(as Alex McLeod):
You must leave the chateau.
(as Bret Michaels):
Your tour ends here.
(as Ted Allen):
You've been chopped.
Okay, yeah. I know.
(as Julie Chen):
You've been evicted
from the Big Brother house.
(as Gail Simmons): Your
dessert just didn't measure up.
(as RuPaul):
Sashay away.
(as Gordon Ramsay):
Give me your jacket
and leave Hell's Kitchen.
(as Chris Harrison): I'm
sorry, you did not get a rose.
(as Phil Keoghan): You have
been eliminated from the race.
(as Tyra Banks):
You are no longer in the running
to be
America's Next Top Model.
(as Donald Trump):
You're fired.
(as Heidi Klum):
Auf Wiedersehen.
Ted, come look at this.
I found a little wounded bird
in the alley.
That's your scrotum.
(laughing)
You know what it is, Ted.
You know what it is.
Come on, Ted.
You always fall for that.
Yeah, he's gotta go.
(crowd cheering)
What are we doing
in Madison Square Garden?
Okay, you refused
to talk to Robin.
So I thought that you
might like to talk to...
the organist for
the New York Rangers.
(organ playing jaunty tune)
Jessica Glitter?!
(organ playing)
How did you find
Glitter?
Simple, really.
I used my powers of deduction.
You see, I knew Glitter
used to be a keytarist,
which is basically a piano,
so I just made a list of all
the keyboard-based occupations
and then I cross-matched them...
His friend Barney looked me up,
hoping to buy my
Space Teens costume.
Yo, Glitter...
Be cool.
So, is this the one who's
best friends with Robin now?
(groans)
More like ex-best friends.
Just like you.
(plays "The Chicken Dance")
I'm sorry to hear that.
I miss Robin.
Yeah, well, Marshall and I
are about to get pregnant,
and I know she
stopped being friends
with you when you
had a baby, so...
Oh, Robin didn't stop
being friends with me.
I stopped being friends
with her.
What? Why?
Because I had a baby.
Honey, when you have a baby,
all that best friend stuff--
hockey,
bow hunting for caribou, math--
that all goes out the window.
I mean, I tried
to stay friends with her,
but it just didn't happen.
She took it pretty hard.
I even thought she might try
to kill herself.
(plays "Charge!")
ALL:
Charge!
Wow. You dumped her
just because you had a baby?
That's cold.
Didn't you do the same thing?
Minus the baby?
Oh, God.
I gotta go.
I gotta go apologize
to Robin.
I- I need to tell her I love her,
and that she'll always
be a priority.
Be careful, Lily.
I made those
promises, too.
And now I haven't even talked
to her in five years.
Sure, I thought
about picking up the phone
and calling her
a hundred times,
but I just never have
the courage to actually...
(playing "Chopsticks"
on the organ)
Hey.
Go ahead.
(plays note)
Hey, do you guys get Big Chuck
and Little John out here?
Punchy, it's time to go back.
Back to Times Square?!
Uh, no. Back-Back to Cleveland.
I don't know
if I can do that, bro.
I mean, yeah,
I've been jonesing for a piece
of Cleveland-style pizza,
but I feel bad
about leaving you out here.
I worry about you, Ted.
(scoffs)
You worry about me?
Yeah.
The other day,
when you called...
Schmosby!
Punchy!
Hey, good talking to you, Ted.
Yeah. You, too.
If you're ever in New York...
Definitely.
(phone beeps off, Punchy sighs)
Sweetie, who was that?
It was my friend Ted.
He sounded
kind of depressed.
Is this the Ted who
got left at the altar?
Yeah.
He's not doing so good.
Poor guy lives in
a tiny apartment in New York,
nowhere near Times Square.
He's got no family around.
He's still single,
doesn't have a backyard.
It's just a bummer.
Maybe you should go visit him.
Cheer him up a little.
You know,
buy him some shots,
do the whole wounded
bird trick.
You think that would work?
Worked on me.
Wow.
She sounds
pretty great, Punchy.
She's my angel.
In fact, uh...
We're getting married.
Wow! Wow!
That's--
I'm-I'm really happy for you.
Thanks, Ted. Thanks.
Actually, that's the other
reason why I came out here.
I wanted to see
if you'd be my best man.
Of course I will.
Yeah! That's great!
No, you're stupid.
Dawg pound.
Oh, that's it...
NARRATOR: That night,
Lily went to the one place
she knew she could find Robin--
New York's premiere Canadian
bar, the Hoser Hut.
Oh, there you are.
Robin, I owe you a huge apology.
No, okay? Me first.
I've been pulling away from you,
and I'm sorry.
It's just, the last time
my best friend had a baby--
I know.
I know all about it.
It's not gonna happen
with you and me.
And I'm sorry
I've been going crazy
with this baby stuff.
I know you hate babies.
Whoa.
Look, I hate most babies.
But your baby?
I'm gonna love
that kid so much.
I'm gonna pick it up
and everything.
Oh...
GUYS:
Aww.
I'm so happy
you guys made up.
Me, too.
(song plays)
Where do I know
this song from?
Oh, my God.
It's the beaver song.
Okay, which one
of you put this on?
GLITTER:
♪ Hey, beaver, come on ♪
♪ When you feel alone ♪
♪ Just pick up that phone ♪
♪ And I'll be there
to share my ♪
ROBIN AND GLITTER:
♪ Ice cream cone ♪
♪ We'll lick it side by side ♪
Wow. This is
so dirty.
Come on, Barney.
It's a sweet song
about friendship.
Yeah, dude,
come on.
♪ Day is done ♪
(laughs)
♪ Two beavers
are better than one ♪
♪ Dah, dah-dah, dah-dah,
dah-dah, dah-dah, dah ♪
♪ Two beavers
are better than one ♪
♪ They're twice the fun ♪
♪ Ask anyone ♪
♪ A second beaver
can be second to none ♪
♪ Two beavers
are better than one. ♪
(cheering, whooping)
♪ Dah, dah-dah,
dah-dah, dah... ♪
♪ You're my favorite
beaver... ♪
♪ Two beavers
are better than one ♪
♪ Dah, dah-dah, dah-dah,
dah-dah, dah-dah, dah ♪
♪ Two beavers
are better than one ♪
♪ They're twice the fun ♪
♪ Ask anyone ♪
(Barney laughs)
♪ A second beaver ♪
♪ Can be second to none ♪
♪ Two beavers
are better than one. ♪
Sync by jacobian @ HDbits
fall of 2010, it seemed like
Aunt Lily could only talk
about one thing: babies.
Oh, God, I have been
craving this burger all day.
Do you know
what plays a huge role
in helping a woman
conceive? Hmm.
Cervical mucus.
(gagging)
Oh, my God, I can't wait
to see this movie.
I hear it's really scary.
Oh, change of plans.
I thought violent
images wouldn't be good
for my future fetus,
so instead, I rented this
video of a live water birth.
(splashing on TV)
(screaming)
They don't know
what it is.
It just showed up
on my mom's X-ray.
Look at this crib.
NARRATOR: But all in
all, it wasn't a problem.
That is, until the night
of Barney's boutonniere.
MARSHALL:
Oh, you're wearing a flower.
Thank you.
Ah, didn't compliment. Just
observed. BARNEY: I know.
Isn't it? Why are
you wearing that?
Why does Barney
do anything ever?
Exactly. Science.
There is an 83% correlation
between the times
men wear boutonnieres
and the times
they get laid. Hmm.
Think about it.
Proms, weddings.
Mm-hmm.
Grandmas' funerals.
Thanks for
the redhead, Nana.
The "everyday boutonniere"
by Stinson.
And nope.
I'm sorry, Barney, but
no girl is going home
with a guy with a
flower on his chest.
Unless he's a clown, and
she's in the trunk of his car.
Along with 50 other clowns.
(laughing)
It's a clown car.
Oh.
Robin, did you know
that boutonniere is French
for "bootie is near?"
Hmm.
True story.
Une histoire vraie.
Hmm! Did you know
that Barney is French
for "sad little guy who works
way too hard to get laid""
Woman, you best
check yourself.
Yeah, on the bright side,
I guess suits are pretty
boring without them, so...
(gasps) Madam...
that is an insult that
cannot be borne!
I demand satisfaction!
What, are we gonna duel?
No. I'm going to show everyone
this embarrassing video of you.
It's Robin Sparkles III, y'all!
(all screaming and yelling)
NARRATOR:
Kids, by this point, we knew
Aunt Robin had been a teen pop
sensation
in Canada,
known as Robin Sparkles.
And we also knew that
her Robin Sparkles character
came from a Canadian TV show,
which we'd never seen...
until now.
I cannot wait to see
what's on this DVD!
Oh, you haven't watched it yet?
No, of course not.
I wanted my first time to be
with someone I cared about.
LILY: Sweet! I get
that a lot. Well, once.
Hey, Robin,
do you want
to go get a Korean massage
on Saturday?
Oh, I'd love to.
I've got this knot in my neck
that's so annoying.
Yeah, I figured
I should get one now
because once I get pregnant,
no more massages.
Just so annoying.
Okay.
(upbeat music plays on TV)
Space Teens?!
Is this a porno?
No, no. Dude, dude. Sweet!
It's a kids' show.
Oh.
MEN:
Yeah! Yeah!
TED:
I don't know.
This does have all
the earmarks of porn.
Stripper pole,
bad lighting,
delusional girl
who thinks
it's a stepping stone
to mainstream success.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a big old
bowl of pornflakes.
BARNEY:
Whoa! And who is this
exquisite keytarist I assume
you're about
to make sweet love to?
Oh, that's Jessica Glitter.
She was my BFF on the show
and in real life.
Ah, BFFs.
Did you guys have sleepovers?
Get mad at each other
and wrestle,
but then end up kissing
in a tender embrace?
Here, show us on Lily.
Barney, you know what?
If you're going
to be disgusting,
we're not watching this, okay?
Yeah. Come on, Barney.
It's just a cute
little story about...
What exactly is this about?
Oh, two average
Canadian teenagers
who solve crimes
in space using math.
That sounds ridiculous.
So sue me.
Like the producers of
Milky Way Mathletes tried to.
(synthesizer
and drum music playing)
(both giggling)
Great job using
long division
to catch that
space burglar, eh?
Well, what can I say?
He'll be in galactic jail
for the remainder of his life.
(robot trilling)
Sparkles, Glitter,
we're about
to enter an asteroid belt, eh.
(gasps)
Brace for turbulence!
BOTH:
Oh. Oh.
LILY: I have to say,
as much as I hate
to agree with Barney,
this does seem to be
a veritable pornucopia.
Okay, guys, come on.
It's a kids' show!
Like Electric Company
or Sesame Street or, um...
You can't do that
on television.
Exactly.
No.
You can't do that on television!
♪ ♪
TED:
Robin,
this show is so dirty, I
don't know whether to hug you
or run a shower for you
so you can sit there alone,
crying and clenching
your knees.
It's just bad camera work, okay?
Wayne, our camera guy--
he wasn't that great.
I don't know. I think
he did a pretty good job,
considering he was probably
only using one hand.
(laughter)
You know what?
I feel bad for you Americans,
that you can look
at this wondrous and educational
adventure through space,
and see something obscene.
Can you just please try
to look at this
with the innocence of a child?
Innocence of a child.
Innocence of a child.
Coming up.
Here we go.
Girls, if you want
to get through the asteroid
belt, you've got
to use
multiplication.
To the joystick!
Okay, Space Teens,
let's multiply!
Five times six?
Oh. 30.
Yes!
Oh!
Seven times four?
GLITTER: 28! Keep going!
Eight times nine?
72!
Don't stop now!
Almost there!
23 times three?
Oh...
(all protesting)
I'm sorry.
We got to ration this.
It's like
we're on a desert island,
and this video
is a really hot, naked chick,
and she's got, like, seaweed
on her and a seashell bra.
You all feel me?
Hey,
if you and Jessica are BFFs,
how come we've never met her?
Okay, well,
it was a long time ago, okay?
I get a Christmas card
from her every year,
but we're not really friends
anymore.
But BFFs are forever.
MARSHALL:
Oh, come on, Lily.
Nobody stays friends
with their high school friends.
I'm still friends
with Punchy.
Dude, he lives in Cleveland.
You see him once a year,
at which point,
he punches you really hard
in the arm
and tells everyone
how you dookied your pants.
I know, on paper
he sounds great,
but you guys
aren't really friends.
Look, I may not see him a lot,
but it doesn't matter.
Observe.
(phone ringing)
Schmosby!
Punchy!
Schmosby!
Punchy!
(high-pitched):
Schmosby! Punchy!
Schmoosby!
Punchy!
Hey, good talking to you, Ted.
Yeah, you, too.
If you're ever in New York.
Definitely.
We are just two peas.
I don't get it.
How can you and Glitter just
stop being friends?
Best friends don't do that.
Well, we did, okay?
And I haven't talked to her
in, like, five years,
so just drop it.
I got to go.
Whoa.
What do you think came
between Robin and Jessica?
TED:
Much like our friends,
the Space Teens,
I think I can
solve this crime with math.
Okay... Okay, here
is a Christmas card
that Jessica sent Robin.
Lily, how old would you say
that kid is?
Four years, three months.
Which means Jessica got pregnant
five years ago.
Right around the time she
and Robin stopped being friends.
Of course. Robin hates kids.
The last thing
she would want to do
is hang out
with some little brat.
Thus, if I may...
(clears throat)
When Glitter's womb
a fruit did bear,
Robin said, "To hell with this,
I'm outta hare."
Glitter got pregnant,
so Robin dumped her.
Oh.
Oh, got... Wow.
That's got to be it, right, Lil?
Lil?
Robin's gonna dump me!
Oh, sweetheart.
Aha.
When a second uterus
plumped becomes...
Dude.
Feel the room.
(sighs)
No.
We've been waiting all day!
Just watch it without me.
Two dudes on the couch
together watching porn?
That's kind of weird.
Okay, it's not porn,
it's a kids' show.
Two dudes watching
a kids' show might be worse.
(sighs)
Okay, fine,
I'll watch it with you.
Yeah! (giggles)
But if either of you
makes even one peep
about the show being dirty,
I'm turning it off.
We...
I'm serious.
(sighs)
Hey Jessica, how's your beaver?
Great.
How's your beaver?
Busy as ever!
(stifled laughter)
Our characters
had pet beavers.
(giggles)
Sure.
The beaver is the official
animal of Canada.
(stifled laughter)
It's our national mascot.
It's a noble creature.
Okay, girls.
Everyone knows a beaver's
favorite food is wood.
I just hope
we brought along enough of it
for our three-day
galactic space journey.
So let's do the math.
If Robin's beaver devours
six inches of wood
every half hour,
and Jessica's beaver
devours eight inches
of wood every 45 minutes,
how much wood will I need
to keep both of these beavers
well-fed all weekend long?
(Ted and Barney
burst out laughing)
ROBIN:
While you figure it out at home,
how about we sing you a song
about our beavers?
(upbeat song plays)
BOTH:
Hey!
No! You don't get
to hear the beaver song!
It is a sweet song
about friendship,
and you guys are being
disgusting,
and beavers are adorable!
No arguments here.
(knocking on door)
'Sup Shmosby!
Punchy, what are
you doing here?
Well, yesterday you said
if I was ever in New York.
'Sup, turds?
(groans)
Okay, uh, uh, where
are you staying?
In your mom's pants.
Trick. She's old.
Hey, don't worry
about me.
I'm cool on the couch.
Whoa. He's staying here?
You're staying here?
I know! It's so good, right?
Feel like you're dreaming?
But check your totem, brah.
Punchy's here in the flesh.
So, why don't we get
one of these, Ted?
Yeah. Remember these?
High school?
Junior high? Yeah.
Elementary school?
Remember those?
Look, look, Punchy's
here. Yeah, yeah.
Hey, Schmosby, remember
when you dookied
in your pants
down by the lake?
Unbelievable!
(grunts)
Hey, Schmosby, remember
when you dookied on our couch
in the form of your idiot
high school friend?
(laughs)
Unbelievable!
Come on. I worry about the guy.
He's had the same dead-end job
at a car rental place
for 15 years.
Don't care.
He's been stuck in Cleveland
his whole life.
Get a hotel.
Robin...
LeBron.
(sighs)
Okay, one night.
Got to go.
Hey.
Where are you going?
We just got here.
Oh, a Korean massage.
By yourself?
Well, I figured
you'd be busy,
reading What to Expect When
You're Expecting to Expect.
Guys, did you see that?
She's going to a Korean
massage without me.
That's our thing.
I'm telling you,
she's gonna dump me,
just like she
dumped Glitter.
Lily, come on. We don't even
know that's what happened.
Um, hello, somebody
already solved that crime
using math, remember?
Look, Lily.
Robin is clearly
getting tired
of you constantly
talking about babies.
I don't.
(men groan)
Lily, how old am I?
384 months.
Busted!
Okay. So before you Lily
all over the place,
maybe you should try
hanging out with Robin
and not talking
about babies.
So Lily did just that.
She tried not
to talk about babies.
Hey, Lily, what brings you
to the crib?
(whines)
Crib...
What's the matter?
You look rattled.
Rattled?
(groans)
I want to talk about babies.
What?
Look, I know you
don't care about this stuff,
but I'm about
to become a mother.
And as a future mother,
I'm gonna need
the support...
Oh, my God!
You're not even pregnant yet.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that a fertilized egg
has not yet attached itself
to the lining
of your uterine wall.
You see?
I read your Facebook updates.
God, it's like it's all
you ever talk about, Lily,
and I'm sick of it!
Well, guess what?
I've got some good news.
When that baby comes,
you don't have to see it.
In fact,
you don't have to see me.
This whole friendship thing?
Done.
Great.
Great.
For crying out loud.
You broke up with Robin?
I had to.
We were growing apart,
and we're better off
without each other.
Okay, Lily, you sound about
as convincing as you did
the time you
"accidentally" shredded
my Joey Buttafuoco pants.
No!
Get on the phone, call
Robin and fix this.
I can't.
The damage is done.
(sobbing)
Can you just hold me?
You know what? No.
I don't agree
with what you did,
and so I refuse
to comfort you,
despite how adorable
you are when you cry.
Okay.
Okay. Maybe just one cuddle,
but then that is it.
Times Square's the bomb!
I got so many great pictures
of all the billboards.
Yeah. You know,
there's more to New York
than Times Square.
There's the Village, the Lower
East Side, Central Park...
They got better billboards
then the ones in Times Square?
No.
Times Square's the bomb!
Here. You know what?
Hold this, okay?
I'm going
to go pee in the jar
I got going
in the alley.
(huffs)
Seriously, dude,
he has got to go.
You need to be like,
(as Anne Robinson): "You are
the weakest link. Goodbye."
(as Jeff Probst):
Punchy, the tribe has spoken.
(as Padma Lakshmi): Please
pack up your knives and go.
(as China Chow):
Your work of art
didn't work for us.
(as Flavor Flav):
Your time's up.
(as Mike Richards):
I have to ask you
to leave the mansion.
(as Alex McLeod):
You must leave the chateau.
(as Bret Michaels):
Your tour ends here.
(as Ted Allen):
You've been chopped.
Okay, yeah. I know.
(as Julie Chen):
You've been evicted
from the Big Brother house.
(as Gail Simmons): Your
dessert just didn't measure up.
(as RuPaul):
Sashay away.
(as Gordon Ramsay):
Give me your jacket
and leave Hell's Kitchen.
(as Chris Harrison): I'm
sorry, you did not get a rose.
(as Phil Keoghan): You have
been eliminated from the race.
(as Tyra Banks):
You are no longer in the running
to be
America's Next Top Model.
(as Donald Trump):
You're fired.
(as Heidi Klum):
Auf Wiedersehen.
Ted, come look at this.
I found a little wounded bird
in the alley.
That's your scrotum.
(laughing)
You know what it is, Ted.
You know what it is.
Come on, Ted.
You always fall for that.
Yeah, he's gotta go.
(crowd cheering)
What are we doing
in Madison Square Garden?
Okay, you refused
to talk to Robin.
So I thought that you
might like to talk to...
the organist for
the New York Rangers.
(organ playing jaunty tune)
Jessica Glitter?!
(organ playing)
How did you find
Glitter?
Simple, really.
I used my powers of deduction.
You see, I knew Glitter
used to be a keytarist,
which is basically a piano,
so I just made a list of all
the keyboard-based occupations
and then I cross-matched them...
His friend Barney looked me up,
hoping to buy my
Space Teens costume.
Yo, Glitter...
Be cool.
So, is this the one who's
best friends with Robin now?
(groans)
More like ex-best friends.
Just like you.
(plays "The Chicken Dance")
I'm sorry to hear that.
I miss Robin.
Yeah, well, Marshall and I
are about to get pregnant,
and I know she
stopped being friends
with you when you
had a baby, so...
Oh, Robin didn't stop
being friends with me.
I stopped being friends
with her.
What? Why?
Because I had a baby.
Honey, when you have a baby,
all that best friend stuff--
hockey,
bow hunting for caribou, math--
that all goes out the window.
I mean, I tried
to stay friends with her,
but it just didn't happen.
She took it pretty hard.
I even thought she might try
to kill herself.
(plays "Charge!")
ALL:
Charge!
Wow. You dumped her
just because you had a baby?
That's cold.
Didn't you do the same thing?
Minus the baby?
Oh, God.
I gotta go.
I gotta go apologize
to Robin.
I- I need to tell her I love her,
and that she'll always
be a priority.
Be careful, Lily.
I made those
promises, too.
And now I haven't even talked
to her in five years.
Sure, I thought
about picking up the phone
and calling her
a hundred times,
but I just never have
the courage to actually...
(playing "Chopsticks"
on the organ)
Hey.
Go ahead.
(plays note)
Hey, do you guys get Big Chuck
and Little John out here?
Punchy, it's time to go back.
Back to Times Square?!
Uh, no. Back-Back to Cleveland.
I don't know
if I can do that, bro.
I mean, yeah,
I've been jonesing for a piece
of Cleveland-style pizza,
but I feel bad
about leaving you out here.
I worry about you, Ted.
(scoffs)
You worry about me?
Yeah.
The other day,
when you called...
Schmosby!
Punchy!
Hey, good talking to you, Ted.
Yeah. You, too.
If you're ever in New York...
Definitely.
(phone beeps off, Punchy sighs)
Sweetie, who was that?
It was my friend Ted.
He sounded
kind of depressed.
Is this the Ted who
got left at the altar?
Yeah.
He's not doing so good.
Poor guy lives in
a tiny apartment in New York,
nowhere near Times Square.
He's got no family around.
He's still single,
doesn't have a backyard.
It's just a bummer.
Maybe you should go visit him.
Cheer him up a little.
You know,
buy him some shots,
do the whole wounded
bird trick.
You think that would work?
Worked on me.
Wow.
She sounds
pretty great, Punchy.
She's my angel.
In fact, uh...
We're getting married.
Wow! Wow!
That's--
I'm-I'm really happy for you.
Thanks, Ted. Thanks.
Actually, that's the other
reason why I came out here.
I wanted to see
if you'd be my best man.
Of course I will.
Yeah! That's great!
No, you're stupid.
Dawg pound.
Oh, that's it...
NARRATOR: That night,
Lily went to the one place
she knew she could find Robin--
New York's premiere Canadian
bar, the Hoser Hut.
Oh, there you are.
Robin, I owe you a huge apology.
No, okay? Me first.
I've been pulling away from you,
and I'm sorry.
It's just, the last time
my best friend had a baby--
I know.
I know all about it.
It's not gonna happen
with you and me.
And I'm sorry
I've been going crazy
with this baby stuff.
I know you hate babies.
Whoa.
Look, I hate most babies.
But your baby?
I'm gonna love
that kid so much.
I'm gonna pick it up
and everything.
Oh...
GUYS:
Aww.
I'm so happy
you guys made up.
Me, too.
(song plays)
Where do I know
this song from?
Oh, my God.
It's the beaver song.
Okay, which one
of you put this on?
GLITTER:
♪ Hey, beaver, come on ♪
♪ When you feel alone ♪
♪ Just pick up that phone ♪
♪ And I'll be there
to share my ♪
ROBIN AND GLITTER:
♪ Ice cream cone ♪
♪ We'll lick it side by side ♪
Wow. This is
so dirty.
Come on, Barney.
It's a sweet song
about friendship.
Yeah, dude,
come on.
♪ Day is done ♪
(laughs)
♪ Two beavers
are better than one ♪
♪ Dah, dah-dah, dah-dah,
dah-dah, dah-dah, dah ♪
♪ Two beavers
are better than one ♪
♪ They're twice the fun ♪
♪ Ask anyone ♪
♪ A second beaver
can be second to none ♪
♪ Two beavers
are better than one. ♪
(cheering, whooping)
♪ Dah, dah-dah,
dah-dah, dah... ♪
♪ You're my favorite
beaver... ♪
♪ Two beavers
are better than one ♪
♪ Dah, dah-dah, dah-dah,
dah-dah, dah-dah, dah ♪
♪ Two beavers
are better than one ♪
♪ They're twice the fun ♪
♪ Ask anyone ♪
(Barney laughs)
♪ A second beaver ♪
♪ Can be second to none ♪
♪ Two beavers
are better than one. ♪
Sync by jacobian @ HDbits