How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 6, Episode 6 - Baby Talk - full transcript

Kids, in the fall of 2010,

our friends Stuart and Claudia had a baby,

and Lily and Marshall were the first

to visit the happy new parents.

So, have you guys

landed on a name yet?

We're trying, but it's
tougher than you think.

You see, I like "Tiffany."

And I don't want my daughter
to have a whore's name.

That's my mother's name.

I know.

Oh, I got it.

How 'bout we name the baby
after you... "Frigid Shrew."

Oh, that's good.

No, no, no, no.

Let's call her "Vodka."

Then at least we know you'd hold her tight

and never let her go!

Don't knock the vodka.
Wouldn't have a kid without it.

Stuart, you are so...

That's not gonna be us, right?

I mean, how hard can it be
to name a baby?

- Right? I mean, just look at her.
- Yeah.

She's clearly a...

- Emily.
- Lisa.

- Lisa?!
- Emily?!

- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh.

Okay!

I made a list of awesome baby names.

Starting at the top: number one...

I'm gonna stop you right here, Marshall.

You name a chubby white kid "LeBron,"

and he's the one getting stuffed
in the basketball hoop.

Then I'm also crossing off,
um, "Shaquille"...

Mm-hmm.

"Hakeem," and "Dikembe."

Hey, what about "Rob"?

"Rob"?

- No.
- Why not?

Hey, Rob. What are you gonna make?

A turkey?

Honka, honka!

Not "Rob."

Okay, um, how about "Ryan"?

Ooh.

Not "Ryan."

"Johnny?"

Hey, where's the goldfish?

Not "Johnny."

Or "Gil."

"Jeremy."

Jeremy, no!

Definitely not "Jeremy."

His stuff was so derivative.

Well, I mean, geez, Lily.

Well, whatever you do,

do not name your baby "Becky," right?

- Why? What?
- What?

Becky. My new co-anchor?

Don't you guys ever watch the show?

Oh, honey, I really try.
Our DVR won't recognize it

- as a television program.
- Mm-hmm.

I watched.

Robin insisted I confirm
how "awful" Becky is,

so last night I checked it out.

Peace talks in the region

have been described as, "productive."

Becky?

Last night, in Staten Island,

a taco cart owner was robbed at gunpoint.

Aww...

That's so sad.

Becky, we're-we're journalists.

We can't get emotional
about the news, we...

Oh, no!

They stole all his money
and then pelted him

with his own taco meat!

Who would do that?

Well, if you read the story,
we might find out.

Oh, can I do this one, about the horse?

I love horseys.

Mm-hmm.

Aww, the horse died.

Guys!

This news is all really sad.

Okay, no holds barred...
What'd you think of Becky?

Mmm...

I thought she was charming.

You, too?

Can somebody please explain to me

why the little girl act works on men?

You want the long version
or the short version?

Short version.

Short version.

Who's your daddy?

You know, when you think about that,

that phrase is really creepy.

No, it's not. It's fun.

Here, watch this.

Hey, Lily... Who's your daddy?

Okay, uh, let me get this straight.

So, in, uh, in this scenario,

because you make such sweet love to Lily,

she is now your daughter.

No, she is not my daughter.

I'm just her daddy.

Wow. That is disgusting.

Exactly. And it's not like
the opposite would work.

There's no way a guy could pick up a girl,

going around talking like a little boy.

- Challenge accepted.
- No.

I, Barney Stinson,

will pick up a girl whilst
talking like a little boy.

Okay.

Here's my list of baby names.

- Oh.
- What about "Tara"?

No.

Not "Tara."

Tara was the hottest girl
in my high school.

We were all, like, obsessed with her.

We didn't just talk about her

and fantasize about her...

We wrote songs about her.

♪ Tara, your booty is so smooth ♪

♪ And I hope this isn't rude ♪

♪ But I want to get up on it. ♪

Not "Tara."

What about "Esther"?

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Coming up on the main stage,

give it up for Esther!

Oh. Oh. Hey, Barney.

That prime rib was surprisingly good,

but it's 10:30 in the morning.

I don't need to see
a lady get naked and dance.

Oh, Esther gets naked.

But she doesn't dance.

Then what does she do?

Sweet mother nature!

That was my card!

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Give it up for Esther!

Not "Esther."

I need a drink. Ted? Ted?

Marshall, your list is entirely boy names.

You do realize there's roughly a 50% chance

of you having a daughter, right?

Okay, honestly, I've never
thought about having a girl.

I don't want to think about having a girl.

Tara, Esther...

can you imagine being
one of those girls' dads?

♪ Marshall's daughter ♪

♪ Your booty ♪

♪ Your booty's so smooth. ♪

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

On the main stage, give it up
for Marshall's daughter.

He screwed up my childhood.

That's why I do this.

I have no idea how to raise a daughter!

What if she makes bad choices?

I mean, what if she winds up dating some...

Oh, God.

Papa, I want you to meet my new boyfriend.

Hey, bro.

Thanks for making such a hottie.

Who's your daddy?

You are, 'cause of all the sex we have.

I don't want a girl.

I just want a little boy.

It's not what it sounds like, folks.

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

Marshall? Is that you?

Oh, okay, um...

You guys, you're a little
too close to the camera.

Can you back up a bit?

How's this?

Every time.

Um, can you just sit
in front of the computer

like normal human beings?

Perfect!

Perfect.

What's up, shooter?

Um, to be honest,
I'm getting a little freaked out

about the idea of having a daughter.

I know you two probably
aren't the right people

to talk to about this. You had all boys.

Oh, well, that was just dumb luck.

Hey, honey, would you get me a
brewski from out of the shed?

Sure. You want anything, Marshall?

I'm in a computer, Mom.

Oh.

Yeah, all boys.

Total co-winky-dink.

It was no co-winky-dink.

Since the Viking age,

the Eriksen men have
passed down ancient secrets

for conceiving boys.

Number one, avoid lemons.

They're baby girl fertilizer.

Okay... No offense, Dad,

but I doubt there's any
scientific data to support...

"I doubt there's
any scientific data to support..."

I had all sons.

Your grandfather had all sons.

Your great-grandfather had all sons.

Scoreboard!

Who you gonna listen to?

Me? Or "scientific data"?

Members of the G-8

convened today in Vienna

to discuss plans to fight

climate change by re... What?

Ask me what I did yesterday.

Hey, Becky, Becky, this is
our news segment, okay?

Nobody cares what you did yesterday.

Lighten up, Robin.

What'd you do, sweetheart?

Mike!

Well, I'm new in town
and don't know many people.

But yesterday, I met the sweetest man,

who took me on a tour of the city.

Guys, New York is kind of cool.

Okay, back to the G-8 conference.

Hello?

Mike, can I get in the shot?

Fantastic.

Then this cutie patootie

took me to this bar called MacLaren's,

right underneath his apartment.

Wait... Did you go out with Ted Mosby?

Yes!

Guys, I went out with Robin's roommate.

I saw her bedroom.

She's a messy Bessie.

In other news, later today,

a Manhattan architect gets
punched in the throat.

Ow!

Ted, of all the women in New York,

you had to go out with
an eight-year-old girl?

Not what it sounds like, folks.

Ted, you know that I hate her.

How could you go out
on a date with this girl?

It wasn't a date.

She came over to
the apartment looking for you.

I made Robin my famous
chocolate chip cookies.

But instead of chocolate chips,
I used gummie bears.

Aww...

A spider!

Let me guess: she acted
like a helpless little girl,

and you stepped in as the big, strong man.

I don't know if that's totally true.

It's okay, little darlin'.

Poor spider.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Spiders gotta die so trees can grow.

Then I held her tight and told
her it was all gonna be okay.

By the way, I think
I only wounded the spider.

It crawled off into my bedroom.

Wait. Is that why you slept
on the couch last night?

Yeah, I slept.

I'm dying out here.

Talking like a little boy
is not working with the ladies.

Wow, lady.

You got some tig ol' bitties!

Gosh!

Your body's a perfect...

This many.

Hi.

Do you want to wrestle with our
special bathing suit places?

Come on!

Mm, I just need two seconds, baby.

I know you think that's a compliment,

but I'd rather you took your time.

No, um... I'll be right back.

Ancient Norse wisdom
tells us that, to sire a son,

you must do three things right
before you lay with your maiden.

First, eat pickled herring.

Eat it!

This is ridiculous.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, on the main stage,

throwing her life away,

give it up for Marshall's daughter!

Who's your granddaddy?

That guy.

Hey, want to have a three-way

with me and my imaginary friend?

His name's Otis.

Hey, hey, want to come to my house

and play telephone?

I got the string; you got the cans.

I wet myself!

Will you change me?

Can't blame her on that one.

Guys...

I have some terrible, terrible news.

I, Barney Stinson,

can't pick up a girl whilst
talking like a little boy.

Challenge forfeited.

Yeah, we don't care about this...
No one challenged you,

so it wasn't really a challenge.

I'm sorry.

Hey, Gerard, what's with that shirt?

Nobody could pick up
a chick wearing that thing.

Challenge accept...

Wow, I'm glad that's over.

It was creepy watching Barney
talk like a little kid.

Oh, but you find it irresistible
when Becky does?

I don't get it.

The Ted that I went out with was
attracted to the kind of woman

who could use a steak knife
without supervision.

For your information,
Becky doesn't like steak,

she likes pasghetti.

Spaghetti.

And more importantly,
she makes me feel needed.

Needed?

She makes training wheels feel needed.

Hey, it's nice to feel needed.
And you know what?

It's not a feeling guys get
when they're with you.

Son...

Viking lore tells us
that to ensure the continuation

of your noble male lineage...

Get a big old bowl of ice

and dunk your man sack right in there!

You two and your football.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Now get in there, point Lily due north

and make me a grandson!

Eriksen!

Eriksen!

When we were dating, I...
I didn't make you feel needed?

Come on! You always
took charge of everything.

Oop.

I got this.

Thanks.

This okay? Am I hurting y...

- I got this.
- Whoa!

Someone's trying to break in...
Call the cops.

I got this.

Did that really bother you?

Well, yeah. It's nice to be needed.

Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to upset you.

It's Becky.

Aw, she's trapped in a revolving door.

I got this.

Yeah.

Let's make a baby!

Mm, mm, mm, mm! Whoa!

Baby, you're packing snowballs,

and your breath smells like a mermaid fart.

Loving the dirty talk... But
you know what's even hotter?

If we face this-a-way.

Ooh, we're bad.

Wait... hey, baby,

why are you facing me north?

You're trying to make us have a boy.

I... can ex...

How do you know about the north thing?

Um, um...

And what are you doing with those lemons?

Baby girl fertilizer!

You're trying to make us have a girl!

You are trying to make us have a girl.

All my least favorite students
have been boys.

So I Googled "how to make a girl"...

some really weird stuff came up...

But finally, I found
this conception website

that said you should...

Point south at the moment of conception...

Eat a lemon...

And heat up your lady parts
to a balmy 105 degrees.

Ooh... Ah...

Oh, that's not bad.

Eriksen!

Lily, how could you do...

exactly the same thing I did?

You're supposed to be the sane one.

See that?
Another boy expecting a woman

to clean up his mistakes.

That's why girls are way better than boys.

Oh, really. Well, then how
come whenever there's

a creepy kid in a horror movie
it's always a little girl?

Or twin girls, who speak...

In unison.

Oh, well, what about Chucky?

Okay, A) He was a doll;

B) He was possessed
by an adult serial killer;

and C) How could you bring up
Chucky right before bed?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey. Um, when we were dating,

did... Did I make you feel needed?

No, I didn't feel like
you needed me at all.

That's what I thought.

- Uh, I'm sorry.
- Wait, where are you...

That's a compliment.

You are the least needy woman
I've ever met... That's awesome.

I mean, no guy's gonna say.

"Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky.

You're your own daddy.

And mommy.

And weird survivalist uncle
who lives in a cabin

with a shotgun
blaming stuff on the government.

And that is what makes you the most...

Amazing, strong...

independent woman I've ever banged.

Thanks, Barney.

You know, um...

there's something that I wanted to ask you,

and I don't really know how
to say it so... Here goes.

Who's the crazy chick in the apron?

Someone naughty left his toys on the floor

and needs to be spanked on his tushy-tush.

Uh-oh, I'm in "twubble."

You did it? How?

Last night, after admitting defeat,

I just let myself go.

Mmm, that looks so good.

Can I have some?

No!

It's my ice cream; you can't have any.

Someone needs
to teach you how to share.

Who's your mommy?

Challenge completed!

Now, uh, can you get

this freak out of here? I'm really scared.

I got this.

Oh, so you finally agreed on a name?

Uh, well,

the other night she ran
a really high fever.

We rushed her to the emergency room

at 3:00 in the morning, but they wouldn't

admit her without a name.

Right then and there, we
realized how stupid we were being.

We looked at each other

and, well, we just knew.

Our baby's name is...

- Esther.
- Esther.

Esther?

Esther!

That's beautiful.

Yeah.

We're idiots.

Baby, names and gender, it's just, like...

it's some way of giving
ourselves the illusion

that we have any control whatsoever.

I... I just want a healthy,
happy, 12-pound...

Whoa.

Ten-pound?

Eight-pound?

I guess, but, dude,

you're writing checks my vagina can't cash.

I love you.

And I'm gonna love the crap
out of whatever baby we have.

Me, too.

You know what?

We should just think of a name that's
good for either a girl or a boy.

Like, um...

- Jamie.
- Jamie.

Marshall...

We just named our baby.

Jamie.

- Mmm...
- Mmm...

Not Jamie.

Shoe's untied. I got it.

Yeah, this is over.