How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 6, Episode 5 - Architect of Destruction - full transcript

Kids, in the fall of 2010,

I was designing
the new headquarters

for Goliath National Bank,

which meant
working side by side

with your Uncle Barney.

I love your idea

about a giant
rooftop ring of fire

you can jump through
with a motorcycle,

but I tweaked it
slightly and...

This is still
super bad-ass.

It's now a patio garden
where you can bring a nice bag lunch.

Sick.

Yeah.

Dude.

Working together
is gonna be legen...

Wait for it.

I'll send you an inter-office
memo with the rest

'cause we freakin'
work together!

Everything was going great.

That is, right up
until Barney said...

Oh, big news.

The board finally settled on
a site for the building.

It was the site
of The Arcadian,

one of New York's grandest
old hotels.

In its heyday, it was the New
York home to kings and queens.

But lately...

...mostly just queens.

Hi, handsome.

Lookin' for a date?

Uh, no, thank you.

Still got it.

Barney, we have to talk.

Sure. What's up?

Excuse me,
Mr. Stinson.

Not now, Trish!

But there's an urgent
memo for Mr. Mosby.

"Dary."
Legendary!

So, what's on your mind?

I can't design the building.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, baby. No, no.

Not the slipper socks
with the rubber soles.

I work so hard
to-to set the mood,

and-and when I see those,

I feel the egg go

right back up my Fallopian tube.

Baby, these satin sheets
are slippery.

Papa needs traction.
Traction?

As you know,

Papa likes
to get down with enthusiasm.

Please stop calling
yourself "Papa."

And without traction,

Papa's likely to boogie himself
right out of bed.

It's either these
or soccer cleats.

Hey, so I talked to Robin.

I guess she and Max
hooked up last night.

Kids, as you may remember,
Max was a friend of Marshall's

from law school...

with whom Robin was really
starting to hit it off.

Nice! I love that guy.

Max is both his name
and his level of awesomeness.

Yeah. He's a sweet guy.

She feels really
comfortable with him.

They bonded over hockey.

I guess he has a small penis,

but they want to
double-date next weekend.

Why would you tell me that?

So you'll clear your schedule.

No! The other part!

Oh, the small penis thing?

Ah! Don't! Stop saying that!

Why do you keep saying that?
You...

I don't want to know that.

I'm not going to be able
to look the guy in the eye.

I'm certainly not going
to be able to call him "Max."

That's insane.

I mean, just because you
know Max has a small penis...

Just don't!

You're kidding me.

I'm sorry. I can't do this

if it means tearing down
The Arcadian.

It's an architectural landmark.

Plus, people live there.

How does GNB plan to get
hundreds of residents

to just up and leave?

Snakes.
Did you just say "snakes"?

I don't recall saying "snakes""

Ted, I know you love crappy
old stuff no one cares about.

But I'm gonna give you
four words to live by:

New is always better.

New is always better?

You know who's
a million times hotter

than the hottest girl
I've ever slept with?

Her okay-looking friend
I haven't seen naked.

Why?

Because new is always better.

Mm-hmm? And this theory
applies to everything?

Everything.

So, those new

Star Wars movies...

Those are better
than the old ones?

Yeah. The first three
barely mention

the intricacies
of intergalactic trade law.

And when you're
at a Guns n' Roses concert,

you're like, "Yeah, yeah,
Paradise City, whatever.

When are they gonna rock me
some Chinese Democracy"?

Axl's really matured
as a songwriter, Ted.

Wendy! I'd like to buy
my friend a drink.

What's your oldest Scotch?

Glenmckenna, aged 30 years
in oak casks.

Amazing.

And what's your newest scotch?

Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch.

Don't let it touch your skin.

Your call, buddy.

A glass of the J-Jumbo Jim's
Grape Scotch sounds lovely.

Lots of ice.

New is always better, Ted!

That's a rule.

Just like bigger
is always better!

Pfft. That's not true.

Uh, sometimes smaller is better.

"Hey, look how big
my cell phone is!"

You don't hear people say that.

No. You want
something compact

and efficient that fits
comfortably in your pocket,

and I think Max
is just a great guy.

Lily told you.

Told him what?

Max has a small penis.

How can you speak
of such things?

Girls talk about everything.

Size, shape,

left or right
leaning orientation...

Length, resemblance to
a historical figure,

such as Winston Churchill...

Yes, that's one of you.

Girth, grooming...

How can you speak
of such things?

You're kidding.

Barney, every time I mention
a woman you don't know,

the first thing
you say is, "Boobs?"

Not the complete sentence,
"Does she have big boobs?"

Which also would not be great.

Just: "Boobs?"

I do not do that.

My friend Lori from work...

Boobs? Damn it.

But... seriously.

Boobs?

So why is it okay

for guys to talk about boobs,

but the moment we
bring up a topic

like Max's small penis...

I'm gonna pretend this
conversation never happened.

Impossible. Max's penis is stuck
in my brain like a splinter.

Like a splinter-sized splinter.

Speaking of
disappointing weenies...

Ted, tell them what you told me

I want to ask the board at GNB

to move the site
for the new headquarters

so we don't have to tear
down a classic old building.

I still don't get this.

Why, all of a sudden,
out of nowhere,

do you want to ruin...

Wait a minute.

Who's the girl?

- Duh.
- Of course there's a girl.

What? I...

There's no g-girl.

Why would you even...

Her name is Zoey.

Boobs?

Beautiful building, right?

Look, mister, you
are very convincing,

and I am very flattered.

Confused, even.

But I'm not looking...

I'm not a drag queen.

But you definitely have me
rethinking this eye shadow.

Not only is she funny,

hot and genetically female,

but get this...

Look at the Palladian windows,
the rusticated stonework,

the marble cornices...

She's an architecture nerd!

A hot architecture nerd!

That's the dream!

Whose dream?

We wound up talking for hours.

I love how old parts
of the city are.

Hmm.

It makes me feel
connected to history.

Old is always better.
I can't wait to be old.

Me, too.

You can wear
elastic everything.

Your lipstick doesn't have
to stay inside the lines.

You can shoplift and pretend
you're just confused.

You could nap anywhere.
Uh-huh.

Even while driving.

It's gonna be great.

I can't wait to be all run-down
and weathered and wrinkly.

Well, I'd say you got
a pretty long wait.

That's sweet.

It would be sweeter
if you hadn't thought

I was a tranny before,
but it's still sweet.

Oh, Ted, that's so romantic.

I want to fill a pillowcase

with dead batteries
and beat you with it.

Hey, Ted,

can I ask you something?

Anything.

Will you sign this petition?

"Save The Arcadian""

We are gonna stop the bastards
at Goliath National Bank

from demolishing it.

Will you support us?

And you said...?

Where do I sign?

Hmm.

Grape scotch.
Not bad.

Ted, you only think The
Arcadian needs to be saved

because some pretty
girl thinks that.

And seriously...

Boobs?

This isn't about the girl.

It's about the building.

And what did this "Zoey" say

when she found out
that you're the one

tearing down her
beloved Arcadian?

That you, Ted Mosby, are the
Architect Of Destruction?

Whoa!

Sweet wrestling name alert.

Well...

Uh, it's a... it's a
funny thing about that...

So what do you do, Ted?

I'm a veterinarian.

What? I panicked!

This whole Arcadian
thing is classic Mosby.

Changing your personality
to fit some girl.

I don't do that.

Well, off to meet Steph.

We're adrenaline junkies!

Penelope is taking me to
the Battle of Gettysburg.

We're gonna eat squirrel!

Look, she's really hot, okay?

Aww!
Come on! Come on!

We all change a little
for whoever we're into.

Barney pretended
to be a rabbi to get laid.

Asian girls love
them some Jews.

And Marshall never
would've listened

to The Indigo Girls
if it weren't for Lily.

Um, I think you got that
backwards there, Chief.

And you're welcome.

The point is,
you weren't pretending

to like the Indigo Girls
for the other person.

You realized you liked them
because of the other person.

Just like me, Zoey
and The Arcadian.

Did GNB really put snakes
in The Arcadian?

No.

Technically, they were eggs.

Did you just say "eggs"?
I don't recall saying "eggs."

So I walk into my boss's office

and suddenly I realize,

"Holy crap, I'm about to quit""

Small penis.

You have a small penis.

Oh, that's super interesting,
but you have a small penis.

Damn it, Marshall!

Okay. Okay.
Think of any two words

other than "small" or "penis."

Got it: small penis.

Damn it!

Yeah, I-I think it is so cool

that you started
your own law firm.

Well, right now it's
a pretty small practice.

Hey, hey.

I bet it's not that small.

Bro, it's...

pretty small.

Yeah, but, uh,
you know what they say.

The important thing is-is
how you use it, you know?

"The motion of the ocean."
That whole thing.

He said it's small, Marshall,
and everybody's fine with that.

Let's just move on.

I'm just saying that I bet
it's bigger than he thinks.

And thick.

Nah.
Everything about it is tiny.

The office is tiny.
The conference room is tiny.

Plus, I got a very small staff.

Let's order!

As I was mustering
the courage to call Zoey

and tell her
my true identity...

Zoey...

I'm Batman.

Hmm. That'd be cool.

...the strangest thing
happened.

I need your help.

Just to warn you.

What I'm about

to show you is not
a hundred percent legal.

Wasn't expecting bunnies.

I stole them, Ted.

My animal rights group
liberated these guys

from an evil cosmetics company.

And I figured,
"Hey, Ted's a vet.

He can check them out
and make sure they're okay."

Absolutely. Just let me run up
and get my bag of vet supplies.

Okay.

Why would I say that?

Well, I know what I'm getting.

Oh? Oh?
The porterhouse.

I've had it here before.

It is like this. It's huge.

Well, spare no expense, buddy.

Dinner is on me,
and-and get dessert.

Maybe this molten chocolate
lava cake?

I just want you to be happy.

Thanks, man.

Next time, it is on me.
Aw.

- Excuse me. I'll be right back. All right.
- Totally.

We'll just be here.

You're great.

Ah. Thanks, bro.

It's, uh.... it's
going on a while.

I know.

Thanks.

Damn, baby, be cool!

You're acting like

he has six months to live.

It's your fault!

You ladies
and your salty sailor talk!

Oh, come on! What about you men
and your locker room talk?

Locker room talk.

Do you want to know
what it's like

in a men's locker room?

Hey.
Hey.

It's just a bunch
of uncomfortable dudes

trying to get out of there
as quickly as possible.

And one old guy
just letting it all hang out.

Are you suggesting

that guys don't talk about sex?

Yes, we do,
but you know what we say?

"I hit that."

"I got some."

"I tapped it."

"I squeezed those."

Discreet and efficient.

Not to mention classy.

Thank God that I'm not dating.

If I thought that Lily talked
in that much detail

about our sex life,
I'd probably kill myself.

Oh, no.

What did you tell her?

Oh, nothing.

We don't talk about you!

Are you sure?

Yeah. That argument
has no traction whatsoever.

You just broke in
and stole these guys?

Aren't you worried
about getting arrested?

Nah. I've been arrested
lots of times.

Chinese Democracy.

Wow.

You're a little bit crazy.

Well, I'm usually crazy
for a good cause.

I can't just sit by while
voiceless people or animals,

or even buildings
get screwed over.

I'm certainly not going
to just sit by

while GNB turns The Arcadian
into a soulless metal box.

Yeah. Yeah.

Although I hear there's
a lovely rooftop patio

where folks can enjoy a
nice bag lunch, so...

Ted, I will find the bastards
at GNB responsible for this,

and I promise you,

I will take them down.

Cuckoo!

Ted, this woman is an anarchist,

a sociopath, a lunatic,

and for the love of God, boobs?!

Solid C-cup, perky bounce.

Momentary grudging respect.

Zoey does
what she believes is right,

and I want to do the same thing.

We have to find a new site
for this building.

Ted, that is never gonna happen.

Well, I can't tear down
The Arcadian.

I'm sorry,
but I'm off the project.

Hey, guys!

I appreciate the great turnout,

but just so we're all
on the same page,

this is not a rally
to legalize marijuana.

Oh, bummer!

Hey.

Hey, Ted.

I'm so glad you came.

Well, you really got
to me the other night.

I want to get involved
with "Save The Arcadian."

Great. I'll grab
you a picket sign.

Hmm.

Do you want "GNB puts the
douche in fiduciary..""

...or "It's always 4:20
somewhere"?

Dudes, you forgot your signs!

As I looked up at that
magnificent old structure,

I realized I wasn't letting my
feelings for Zoey mislead me.

This building really was
worth saving.

Ted, everything okay?

Yea... um... um...

You work for GNB?

Dude, why are you dressed
like a wizard?

She was really hot, okay?

How the hell could you do that?

Simple. I rented the chair.

The bunny was here already.
That was lucky.

I waited
to do the dramatic swivel

until I heard your key
enter the door.

The billboard, Barney.

I had to. Now that you have
no shot with the girl,

you'll realize you never cared
about the building,

and everything can go back
to normal.

You're wrong. I do care.

And I'm still quitting.

Don't you get it, Ted?

We're tearing down The
Arcadian either way.

It's a stupid old piece-of-crap,
run-down, snake-infested dump!

Okay, are there
or aren't there snakes?!

Who mentioned snakes?!

And stop shouting!

You're scaring Cottontail.

You named the rabbit?

You took longer to get here
than I thought,

we bonded, I'm keeping her.

The point is,

you now have a chance

to design your own building.

Dude,

you can do
whatever you want with it.

You're right.

You're right. I can
design it however I want.

So you're back in?

Yeah.

That night, as I
worked on a new design

that just might solve
all my problems...

...Marshall was visited
by a disturbing vision.

Ugh, he thinks I like this...

But it feels disgusting.

Uh, it looks disgusting.

Um...

Uh, is this working for you?

"Uh, is this
working for you?"

Oh, of course,

because what woman doesn't
like being slobbered on

while some giant paws
at her nether regions

like Lenny from
Of Mice and Men?

Oh, you're bad.

More Cosmos?

Mm.

I can't... I
can't do this!

I can't stop thinking
about you and Robin!

Oh, I've had that
a couple times.

Just lean into it
and let it fuel things.

Look, no. You know what?

Why don't you just...
Why don't you just

call Robin, okay,
and have a good laugh about it?

Whoa!

Traction could have
prevented that.

Well,

hope you don't mind, we made
some changes to the billboard.

Well, that explains
a few voicemails.

Listen, Zoey, I think
we can save The Arcadian.

No. Maybe not

in the way you were picturing,

but I stayed up all night

working on a new
concept, all right?

What if my design
could incorporate

The Arcadian's facade

into the new GNB headquarters?

Kids, it was one
of those moments in life

where everything
comes together...

the girl, the building,
everything, until...

Are you married?
Yeah.

So you were saying, the facade
will be completely preserved?

This isn't about the girl.

It's about the building.

Yeah, it was about the girl.

Ted, wh-wh-what are you doing?

This wouldn't work.

Zoey, The Arcadian was
a really great building once,

but it's falling apart,
and it's full of snakes.

Snakes?
I don't recall saying snakes.

Then he gets this panicked look
on his face, says,

"I can't do this,"
and storms out.

Wow, that is weird.

But here's the crazier part.

No. You know what?

Papa don't back down
from a fight.

So why don't you tell Robin...
about this!

It was amazing.

He was passionate, animalistic,

a complete stud.

Wow.

So he's right there
making you say all this, huh?

Yup. "'You're like
a Greek god,'

I moaned, as the..."

I can't read that, baby.

"Musky scent of man."

"As the musky scent of man

"and Marshall's sure-footed
traction intoxicated

and overpowered me."

That sounds real.

And as for Zoey, it was funny.

I'd lied to her,
then completely let her down.

And I barely knew the girl.

But there was something
about her.

I couldn't help but wonder
if I'd ever see her again.

Hey, Mosby!

You're gonna have

to come out of your hole at
some point, you son of a bitch!

Yeah!

Legalize it!

Dude!

Ready.

Aim.

Fire!

Why, yes.

Yes, I would see her again.

Hey. Hey.
Hey.

How's it going with Robin?

Uh, I think
I have to break up with her.

Really? Why?
You with her?

Yeah, well, there's this...

kind of weird thing she likes
to do in the bedroom.

Hey, what's not for everyone?

Guys, come on.
What is it?

Come on, bro.

This is a locker room.

I...

What do you think
it was, Murray?