How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 6, Episode 22 - The Perfect Cocktail - full transcript

Kids, when your Uncle Marshall...

finally quit Goliath National Bank
to do something better with his life...

he left on great terms with his boss.

Good luck, Marshall.
And promise you'll list me as a reference.

Which made Marshall's big interview...

with a respected environmental organization
all the more confusing.

I'm sorry. I don't think you're
the kind of person we're looking for.

I just got off the phone
with Arthur Hobbs over at GNB.

Oh, yeah. I worked with Marshall Eriksen.

At least I did when he actually showed up.

Marshall! Hey, it's... it's 2:30.

If it's no big deal, we'd sure love it
if you tried to get here at least before lunch.

Yeah? And I'd sure love to give a rat's ass.

Oh! Mr. Eriksen,
you're not wearing any pants.

Your move.

But, Marshall,
what... what about the environment?

Screw the environment!

- "Screw the environment"?
- Oh, yeah.

We fired him when we caught him
clubbing a seal in his office...

with an even cuter seal.

Guy's a maniac.

He's just an awful, flatulent racist.

- Sir, none of that is...
- Sorry. Interview over.

And so Marshall stormed
over to GNB, where he ran into Zoey.

If you wanna get back at those jerks,
I have a proposition for you.

Invitations
for the demolition of the Arcadian.

As head of the project,
I get to decide how we knock it down.

I'm torn between training an actual coyote...

to use an Acme dynamite plunger...

or hooking up a fuse
to Eddie Van Halen's guitar...

that goes off the second he hits
the last note to "Hot For Teacher."

Barney! Barney! Bar...

No. No. I'm gonna go coyote.

While no one wants to see a, uh, coyote...

wearing a little hard hat more than me...

remember, Zoey's protest
could still shut your whole project down.

Oh, come on!
Zoey's not shutting anything down...

standing out there with her stupid megaphone,
screaming in the wind...

butt cheeks trembling with fury...

her perky breasts heaving...

her self-righteous nipples...

Dude, that's my girlfriend.

Point is, we are takin' her
and the Arcadian down.

- Am I right, Teddy Westside?
- You know it!

- Ha-ha!
- Okay, see, that's so weird to me.

That one second you're defending Zoey...

and the next you're talking
about her going down.

Glad to know she's also mouthy
in a good way.

What up?

Dude, that's his girlfriend.

Isn't it tough dating the woman...

that's trying to prevent your building
from being built?

At first, yes, but we figured out
a great way to deal with it.

We never talk about it.

And since then, we've really
been enjoying each other's company.

So, every time the Arcadian comes up...

you guys just awkwardly change the subject?

Yeah. But you'd be surprised.
Doesn't even come up that often.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey!

Meet the new lawyer I hired
to help save the Arcadian.

So, Oprah's retiring. Oof!

What's that world gonna be like?

Wait. Marshall's helping you
save the Arcadian now?

Yeah. Having a former GNB employee
on our side is huge for us.

- GNB is goin' down.
- Totally.

So they found water on Mars. What?

Listen, I hate to go up against
my two best friends...

but I really... I really need this right now.

I mean, we're cool, right?

Not only do you quit the job
I stuck my neck out to get you...

now you sabotage the project
I'm in charge of?

Is this because I brushed Lily's boob
with my elbow the other day?

- That was on purpose!
- What now?

- This is really crossing the line.
- Barney, please...

And thus began an all-out war...

- between Barney and Marshall.
- Get used to it!

Delivery from Mr. Stinson.

Barney sent us pictures of himself.

Oh, God.
What's he doing to that megaphone?

Ugh.

Oh!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Later, back at the bar,
another war was just beginning.

Babe, can I get you a drink?

No. I'm still not ready
to put my mouth on anything yet.

I know.

You know what? Screw this. Game on.

Can you believe this one? Wants our booth.

Keeps giving us the walk-by.

That bitch is not giving us the walk-by.

The walk-by with the stink-eye.

The stink-eye walk-by?

Aw, hell, no!

I hope this drink isn't teething,
'cause it's about to get nursed.

Barney, your wife just called from the hospital.

- It's a boy!
- Look...

This went on for days.

Congratulations.

You're about to be the 250th girl
that Barney has slept with.

Try 283.

250 was months ago. No, no, no.

I mean, you're totally 250, baby. No, no!

Oh, bye-bye.

Mr. Stinson, I had to rush down
as soon as I got your results.

I'm sorry, but your crabs...
have super herpes.

Oh, boy. Look who's back.

Look, Lily. I think this girl wants our seat.

Should we leave
or stay here Lionel Richie style...

"All Night Long"?

Excuse me, waitress. I'll have a mojito.

And you'll have a no-seat, ho!

Oh!

Ah, yes. The sweet, smoky taste of victory.

Are you sure it doesn't taste
like anything else?

That's it!

Kent, Kent!

Oh, God!
Why would you do that to your own jacket?

That's what you get, you traitor!

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, really.

- Really?
- Yeah. Re...

Okay! Enough! You guys are outta here.

- Come on!
- Ejected.

I meant all of you!
You're all banned from the bar! Out!

- Carl!
- Carl.

This has nothing to do with us.
It's totally ridiculous.

Don't look, baby. Just don't look.

Come on.

This stupid feud isn't gonna end...

until Marshall and Barney
finally talk about their feelings, cry...

and then hug it out like they do on Oprah.

Man, what are we gonna do without her?

Oh!

Oprah.

Wait. You know what?
These guys are not gonna get all mushy sober.

We need to get these bitches drunk.

Yes, but the right kind of drunk.

Uh, we should go with something mellow.
Maybe red wine?

Oh, I don't know. Red wine
has kind of an odd effect on Barney.

He reaches a point of sad clarity.

Ten, nine, eight...

- I'm a B-plus.
- seven, six...

My whole life I was hoping to be an "A,"
and I'm a B-plus.

...three, two, one!
- And I'm okay with that.

Happy New Year!

If we want them to open up,
I say we go straight-up gin.

Ooh. Last time Marshall got gin drunk...

- was at that douchey bar Barney likes to go to.
- Mmm.

Marshall almost got in a fight that night.

Look at this meatball.

He's headed right towards me,
showin'me no respect.

Well, if he wants to play chicken,
this rooster ain't backin'downl

Oh. Mirror.

- How about martinis?
- Absolutely not.

I'm not going anywhere
near you and a martini.

Why not?

- Mmm. Know what would be stupid?
- Ooh.

If we made out. That would be so stupid.

Hey, I dare you guys
to dare us to make out.

Every time.

I only say that
because it would be so stupid if we did.

- So stupid.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah?
Well, what about you and absinthe?

I don't know.
We could have water, soda, purple stuff.

We're a dream a baby's having.

A dream that babies have.

- I keep telling you, that didn't...
- It happened, and it changed me.

- How about daiquiris?
- Maybe.

When Marshall has daiquiris...

he gets really into how beautiful he is.

Hey.

I dare you guys to dare us to make out.

Hey, Marsh, you know
that's another mirror, right?

- Peppermint schnapps?
- No!

- Peppermint schnapps turns Barney
into Richard Dawson.
- Who?

The crazy old host of Family Feud who
greeted women by kissing them on the mouth.

Hey there, darlin'.

How you doin'?

Hi. Is this your sister? Mmm, mmm.

Beautiful! Mmm. Mmm.

- Hey, where are our chicken wings?
- Show me "chicken wings"!

Ah! Good order, Ted!

Okay, I'm gonna go pick up Zoey,
then we're off.

- See ya Sunday.
- Oh, wait, Ted.

Do you have a specific reaction
to any kind of alcohol?

Bourbon. When I drink bourbon...

I get weirdly good at beatboxing.

Peace. I'm out.

Yeah!

Yeah, Ted, I hate to tell you...

but the bourbon
only makes it sound good to you.

Pa-choo!

Pa-choo!

Ki-ki-ki-ki, ki-ki-ki-ki!

Ka-ka-ka-ka, ka-ka-ka-ka!

Koo-koo-koo-koo, koo-koo-koo-koo!

Poom!

Peace. I'm out.

You had to take that away from me,
didn't you?

Well, enjoy Martha's Vineyard.

Hopefully, by the time you get back,
we'll be allowed back into MacLaren's.

- What do you mean?
- Barney and Marshall's feud
got us banned from the bar.

We lost our booth.

- Oh...
- Stop.

Man, how did things get so screwed up?

Of course, I knew
the answer to that... I was dating her.

But I wasn't about to ruin
our first big romantic weekend away...

by bringing up the one topic
we agreed was completely off-limits.

- You and the Arcadian are ruining my life!
- What?

- I thought we weren't talking about...
- We're talking about this.

Look, I can handle you trying to prevent me
from fulfilling a lifelong dream.

That's just being in a relationship.

But now you turn
my best friend against me?

Marshall made his own choice.
Why aren't you mad at him?

Because he's going through a lot right now.

He's looking for something to believe in,
and you took advantage of that.

You're just like those Internet swindlers
who tricked him into paying 300 bucks...

for a lock of Sasquatch fur.

You cannot compare the Arcadian...

to a Ziploc bag full of Turkish armpit hair.

The Arcadian is a beautiful,
magnificent hotel.

Okay. You know what?
We're settling this once and for all.

Okay. We've cross-referenced
every alcohol...

with Marshall and Barney's reaction.

What's the right drink for this situation?

Well, they're not talking.
They're not even looking at each other.

God, it reminds me of those awkward Sunday
dinners with my mom, my dad and his mistress.

Families, right?

- Oh.
- l-I guess.

That seems like a whole other thing.

We need a drink that will start a fight.

Do you know what I had to do
to get you that job?

Do you know what I had to do
to will myself to show up every day?

What? Wear a wrinkled suit and not
give a damn about what your hair looked like?

I showed up with wet hair oncel Once!

Fine. I'm trying to say...

Well, here we are.

I had a reservation
at a four-star inn overlooking the ocean...

but, uh, how can that compete
with such a beautiful...

magnificent hotel?

Welcome to the Arcadian.

So here's the deal.

If you can last until sunrise
in your precious Arcadian...

I'll join your side.

You're on. This place is fantastic.

- Oh.
- They even left a chocolate on the pillow.

That's not a chocolate.

- How dare you!
- Why do you keep making up
everything about...

Okay, now we need to get them something
that will make them...

emotionally vulnerable
and completely, pathetically honest.

Yeah, we need a drink that...
that takes subtext and turns it into text.

Yeah.

See, ever since the death of my father...

I have been drawn
to the idea of preservation.

That's why the Arcadian speaks to me.

Ever since my father
walked out on my childhood...

I've had serious abandonment issues.
You walking out on me like that...

- I didn't even think of that.
- It made me wonder what could
I have done to make him stay.

You didn't do anything wrong.
It wasn't you, Barney.

That's what everyone keeps saying,
but people just keep leaving me!

- Wow, that got real o'clock.
- Yeah.

We need to get them up and having fun.

Dance, my puppets, dance.

Now do you see why I'm always
interfering in other people's lives?

Oh, God. Totally.

No.

Well, we're here for the night.

Might as well have some fun.
Care to join me?

Dust just flew out of that comforter
in the shape of a skull.

Ooh, something just passed through me.

Can you get S.T.D.'s
from the ghost of a prostitute?

- Hey!
- What are you doing in our bathroom?

This bathroom for entire floor!

Okay. Final round.

What simple act will get the boys
to finally forgive each other?

Sharing a brandy.

Which is what I walked into
my parents doing once.

Brandy was my father's mistress.

Parents, right?

Again, just a whole other thing, sweetie.

- Where'd they go?
- Oh, no.

- They did shots.
- What... What is it?

What's the worst thing
they could possibly drink right now?

Your place or mi...

Your place or mi...

Let's go to your place.

Kids, don't drink tequila.

These were supposed to be
for a romantic dinner on our balcony...

as we were serenaded by
the sounds of the ocean.

But I guess we'll have to settle
for what sounded like...

two very large men having sex next door...

with a third very small man.

I think that small man sounded very moved
by the Arcadian's beauty.

Okay. What is it?
And don't give me, "It's beautiful."

Don't give me, "It's magnificent."

What is it about this place
that makes you so passionate to save it?

Uh...

Well...

when I was a little girl...

my family used to live here.

Why-Why have you never told me that?

I never tell anyone that.

It makes it sound like it would be impossible
for me to be objective...

but...

the truth is, l...

I loved growing up here.

We had just moved to New York.

We were completely broke.

But my mom told my sisters and me
that the Arcadian was a castle...

and we believed her.

I know it's not what it used to be...

but this building is a part of who I am.

That's why I want so badly...

for you to like it too.

Kids, you never
forget the first time, or place...

you tell a girl...

I love you.

I love you too.

Come on in. You're unbanned.

I gave these guys some drinks,
and they calmed down and made up.

Well, what drink finally did the trick?

- A beer.
- Of course, beer.

- I love you.
- I love youl

No, no. Not right now.

You know, I guess this place isn't so bad.

See? With a little renovation,
we could restore it to its former...

What was that?

- What was what?
- I think it went under the bed.

Yeah. I don't see anything.

Ted! Ted! What is that?

Oh, my God!

- It's the cock-a-mouse!
- The what?

Cock-a-mouse.
Part cockroach, part mouse.

It used to live in our apartment.
It must've settled here.

And, oh, look! It had babies.

- Good for it!
- Ew.

I give up. You win. Let's go.

Be well, my friends!

Aw, just how we left them.

Morning.

Who wants breakfast?

You got some coffee
so I can throw it in this traitor's face?

Oh, yeah? Hey! Hey!

Do you guys have some pancakes, because l...

would really like some pancakes.

They're fantastic. Let's be honest.
I love them. But I hate this guy!

I thought they made up last night.

Damn it. I know what happened.

- I love you.
- I love youl

No, no. Not right now.

- Carl, a round of champagne.
- Ooh!

- The champagne!
- We gave them one drink too many.

They must have blacked out
and forgotten the whole thing.

What kind of dirtbag
doesn't stand by his best friends...

but instead sides
with some self-righteous bitch...

with a pointless cause and a megaphone?

Dude, that's my girlfriend.

And you know what?

- I'm on her side now too.
- Whoa. Whoa.

You have got to be kidding me! Ted!

Okay, what drink can fix this?

Mama's done with this drama. What drink can
fix the headache these clowns are giving me?

I got it.

Right?

Time is music the planets make.

What is that?

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