How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 6, Episode 18 - A Change of Heart - full transcript

NARRATOR:
Kids, the heart is
a mysterious muscle.

You never really know
what's going on in there.

So after Uncle Marshall
lost his father,

he decided to get
his heart checked.

And so did I--

and so did Lily--

and so did Robin.

And then Marshall went again
just to be sure.

There was only one holdout.

I don't need to go
to a heart doctor.

I drink every
day, I sleep three
hours every night,

and I have multiple
sex partners.

I'm doing everything right.

Barney, come on,
this is important.

We need you around
for a long time.

Without you, we'd have to find

some other sex-fueled,
depraved animal to entertain us.

ROBIN:
Actually,

I'm thinking about
getting a dog again.

Oh, can she? Can she get
a dog, please Dad?

TED:
No. If you get a dog,

I'm going to be the one stuck
taking care of it.

You wouldn't have
to take care of it.

Really? And who watered
the philodendron

on your bookcase
and sang it back to life?

Yeah, that was made
out of silk, Ted.

Okay, Robin, what you
need is indeed something
that buries a bone,

but I'm not talking
about a dog.

I'm talking about a man.

Here we go.

You're clearly trying
to fill a hole-- in her heart.

You feel like the seventh wheel,
because now Ted is with Zoey

and Barney's with Nora
and Lily's with Big Fudge.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Big Fudge.

"With"?

I am not "with" Nora.

Wrong preposition.

Later tonight I'm hoping
to be on Nora, right?

Or under Nora, right?

Or, we're all adults,
I'll just say it--

behind Nora.

(singsong voice):
Oh, Barney's got
feeling for a girl.

Yeah. Penis feelings.

Because she's hot.

Guys, as you know,

I only have one rule...

NARRATOR:
Barney said this a lot.

I only have one rule:

if you're gonna get it on
in a Port-O-Potty,

do it early in the day.

I only have one rule:

Never screw over a girl
whose last name

ends in a vowel.

'Cause she's got brothers.

I only have one rule:

Never date a girl
with a hook for a hand.

Never go out with
the same girl more than once.

Then why are you going
out with Nora again?

There is an exception.

And it was always
the same exception.

...unless she's hot.

...unless she's hot.

...unless she's hot. Arr!

And she is indeed hot.

Which is why nothing,
not even God himself--

yeah, I said it, Beardy--

is going to stand in the way
of tonight being legend...

Wait for it.

(sneezes)

Uh-oh.

(with nasal congestion):
Hey, Nora, sorry I'm late.

I'm just, uh, just
getting over a cold.

Oh, no. How long
have you been sick?

About 20 minutes.
Can't seem to shake it.

Okay, 'cause I was going
to say you look a little...

Handsome? Rich?
Well-endowed?

(coughs)

(sneezes)

Huh, let's say
well-endowed-- with phlegm.

(coughs)

All right, let's go.
It's bedtime.

The bed-- that's where
all the...

(hacking)

(noisy hawking)

...happens.

Come on, let's get
you sorted out.

That night, Barney didn't
take care of business.

(violin playing lullaby)

Instead, Nora took care
of Barney.

Ah. Thank you.

(violin playing lullaby)

Good night, Barney.

Good night, Mommy.

Wow, she nursed you
back to health?

No. I didn't even
see her boobs.

She just took care of me.

(door opening)

Oh, hey, guys.
This is Nate.

Nate, these
are my friends.
What's up. guys?

Nate Scooberman. But
everyone calls me Scooby.

I'd love to hang out,
but I really gotta hit the john.

Uh, yeah, it's right in here...

Scooby.

Thanks, brah.

I like you guys.

Oh, Robin,

if you weren't so much stronger
than me, I would slap you.

What? You told me
to meet someone.

I know, and, look,
he seems plenty nice,

but I didn't mean bring home
the first guy

you bump into on the street.

Actually, I met him in the park.

Oh.
Oh.
Oh.

Should have just
let you get a dog.

Oh, oh, I should go. Lily,
can I talk to you for a second?

So, um, I made an appointment
with that cardiologist.

Aw, and you want me
to go with you

'cause you're a little scared?

No.

Do you want me to go with you
because you're a lot scared?

Yes!

Okay, fine.

On one condition.

You have to promise me
you won't lie to Nora.

She seems like
something special.

Okay, I promise
I won't lie to her.

I may, however,
lie on her.

I said, bang-bang,
bangity-bang.

♪ Bang-bang-bang,
bangity-bang ♪

♪ Bang, bang,
bangity bang... ♪

Are we done?

♪ A bang-bang,
bangity-bang. ♪

Well, Barney,
your heart sounds fine.

See, Lily?

She was worried.

Although it seems like you might
have a slight arrhythmia.

Ow! Nails, nails!

It's probably nothing
to worry about,

but I'd like you to wear
this heart monitor

for the next 24 hours.

Twen... Flag on the play, Doc.

I have a date tonight.

DOCTOR:
Don't worry. It's totally safe.

Unless part of your big date

involves connecting yourself
to a car battery.

Well, now it doesn't.

And exactly 24 hours later,
they returned for the results.

Okay, everything
looks fine here,

although I did notice
a few irregularities.

There's nothing to be...

...alarmed about.

Go on, Doctor.

What happened

at 8:46 p.m. last night?

Well, let's see...

Uh, Wheel of Fortune, naked
push-ups, naked chin-ups...

I was at dinner.

This might be
a little forward,

but do you have a bomb
strapped to your chest?

This? No, no.

It's a heart monitor.

It's a medical thing.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I've been trying

not to stare
at your chest all night.

(chuckles)
What's that like?

So is everything okay?

My friend's dad passed away
from a sudden heart attack.

So I'm just getting
myself checked out, too.

Oh, I am so sorry.

Thanks.

Um, Barney, what
I'm about to say

is going to sound
a little weird,

but I think I'm starting to like
you, so I have to say it.

Well, for what it's worth,
I'm not easily shocked.

Unless you dump water on me,
'cause I'll just...

(imitates electrical crackling)

No. What is it?

I want to get married.

I mean, not tonight,

or even to you, necessarily.

But that's what I want.

And if that's going
to scare you off,

then I'd rather
it scare you off now.

(electronic beeping)
I want a family,

and I want to live
in a little house

with a garden and a tree
for the kids to climb.

(rapid beeping)
And I want to go
to sleep every night

with the same person
by my side,

and wake up next to him
in the morning every morning
(very rapid beeping)

for the rest
of our lives.
(steady electronic tone)

Just thought
you should know that.

You have to promise me
you won't lie to Nora!

That's exactly
what I want, too.

I'm really into gardening,
but these squirrels keep
messing with my tomatoes.

Every time I see them
in the backyard,

I'm like, "Get out of here!"

And they run off,
but sure enough,

a few minutes later,
there they are again.

And I'm like,
"Get out of here!"

So annoying.

(sniffing)
I smell food.

Does this place
have a kitchen?

I'll be right back.

Okay, but you have to admit

that he is a lot of fun.

Oh, I actually think

he's quite intelligent
for what he is.

And what is he?

He's a dog.

He's totally a dog.

What? You saw him
hitting on someone?

No, I didn't say,
"He a dawg."

I said, "He's a dog."
As in, a dog.

I think we've all noticed
a few curious mannerisms.

Or rather, doggerisms.

Uh, Scooby, the tag's
still on your jeans.

Where?

Okay, Scooby, you ready?

TED/MARSHALL:
Oh!

Good boy, Scooby!

Good job, Scoob!
Good boy!

That last one did not happen.
TED:
Okay, you're right.

He dropped it.

He's not a dog.

Robin, it's fine.

You said you wanted a dog
and you got one.

And the best part is,
he got his shots.

Hey, guys, got my shots.

You are so playful.

Nice job fetching those.
Guys...

Yeah, guys, cut it out.

Scooby, sit.

So, Scooby,
we were thinking

if you're going to be
hanging out with our Robin,

you should be
properly vetted.

Uh, yeah. We hope our nosiness
doesn't give you "paws."

How did you meet?
Tell us the "tail""

Yes, how did you "whisker"
off her feet?

Shed a little light
on the matter.

Did you send her an e-mail,
or did you "collar"?

Guys, just stop hounding him.

Oh, geez.

No, no, you're
right, Robin.

We don't want your
new guy to "flea."

We're just trying to make
sure he's not a heel.

So, moving from Canada,

that transition must have
been pretty "ruff."

Sure was. My part of Canada's
pretty different from New York.

Oh, I bet it was
an "Incredible Journey""

What part of Canada
is that? Speak.
Labrador.

(laughing)

ROBIN:
Hey, Nate,

why don't you go play
some music on the jukebox.

No, I'm good.
Oh, shoot,
dropped my keys.

I'll get 'em.
Okay.

Hey, guys, this is Nora.

Hey.
Hey, how are you.
Hey.

Nice to meet you.
How's it going?

We were just passing by,

and I wanted to pop in
for two reasons.

First, I wanted
to let you know

that your friend Barney
is being a perfect gentleman.

Well, it's still early.

I'm being serious.

I had no idea
that deep down,
he's such a romantic.

I had no idea he
had a deep down.

Oh, you should have
heard him at dinner.

I mean, I like
being single,

but secretly,
I want to have kids.

How many do you want?

Three-- one of each.

You?

Three.
All in an old stone house.

Yeah, with ivy growing on it.

Cocktails on the patio.

And we must have a pool.

We?

A pool sounds brilliant.

Are you for real, Barney?

I really am.

Unbelievable.

I know, right?

And the second reason
we popped in

is 'cause I need
to use the loo.

But when I get back,

I'm dying to hear all about
Mr. Softy here.

I assure you, that's not
a nickname that I...

(wheezing groan)

And that explains your
14-second cardiac arrest.

Barney, you promised
you wouldn't lie.

I'm not lying!
Guys, Nora's really special.

In fact...

I think I'm...

falling in love with her.

(Robin/Ted/Lily/Marshall
shouting at once)

Guys! I'm serious.

I'm not going to
let you do this.

When Nora gets back here,
I'm blowing the whistle.

Just make sure it's not
a high-frequency whistle,

because we don't want to
torture Robin's boyfriend.

Guys, this is real.

And if you don't make me
look good in front of Nora,

just remember: I've got dirt
on each of you,

and I am not afraid to spill it.

Barney, you can't blackmail us
into lying to Nora.

Really, Lily?

Even if I were to mention,
oh, I don't know...

your kindergarten class's
pet guinea pig?

(gasps)
Mr. Buttons?

Oh, you son of a bitch.

Fine. I'll be nice.

Marshall?
You got nothing on me.

The calzone?
Checkmate.

Robin.

Don't say the Mr. T dream,
don't say the Mr. T dream,

don't say the Mr. T dream...

The Mr. T dream...

I'm lost.

Ted?

Go ahead. Give me your best.

My life's an open book.

The ballet class.

I once took a ballet class.
Not ashamed.

The 'N Sync concert.

1998. Cleveland's Gund Arena,
front row. Caught JC's shirt.

What else you got?

Okay, Ted.

The thermos.

I suppose it's possible Barney
has real feelings for Nora.

I do! So be cool!

There's a man back there
who seems fascinated

by the records
flipping in the jukebox.

Sorry, toots.
He's taken.

So. How do you
all know Barney?

Oh, I don't know
how we know Barney.

How does anyone know
how they know anyone?

(giggles nervously)
I like your pretty hair,
help me.

We did not meet him
at a strip club.

MARSHALL:
No, sir.

Because...

Barney don't go
to no strip clubs.

Oh, come on. Barney's been
to a strip club once.

Once?
Thermos.

Nope. Not even once.

Really? So Barney really
is a genuinely a nice guy.

I don't recall.

Okay, I think that we're done
here, I think that we have

adequately established
that Barney is...

the kind of guy that you would
bring home to meet your parents.

Okay? So... let's just
drop it, all right?

It's funny you
should say that,

because, as it happens,
my parents are in town.

They're only here
like once a year.

We're getting
brunch tomorrow.

Do you want to meet them?

NARRATOR:
This was a big deal for Barney.

I only have one rule.

(all sigh)

Never, ever, ever
meet a girl's parents.

Not even if she's hot?

Not even if her mom's hot.

I'd love to meet your parents.

It's a date.

Well, we should get
going. Walk me home?

SCOOBY:
Walk? Somebody
say walk?

I'll go for a walk.
I love a good walk.

No, Scooby, you, uh...
stay!

Oh, no. I got called
back in to work.

Can you keep an eye
on him until I get back?

He's new to the city, and he
doesn't really know anyone.

I knew it. I knew it.
I knew if you got a dog,

I'd wind up taking
care of it.
He's not a--

Good night.

What do we do now?

Oh! I got an idea.

I was in the park today, and
this guy sold me a big bag of...

NARRATOR:
Kids, it was a big bag
of sandwiches.

Whoa.
Put that away.

You guys want
to fire these up?
Scooby, we're in our 30s.

We don't smoke
sandwiches anymore.

Sandwich brownies?
Okay.

(giggling)

Sandwiches make me hungry.

Truth. Hey.

I have a question.
Yeah?

What did Barney mean
when he said "calzone"?

Okay, I'll tell you.
Okay.

One time Barney saw me drop
a calzone on the sidewalk,

pick it up,
and then keep eating it.

It feels so good to finally
say that out loud. I...
Dude.

Listen to me.

You have nothing
to be ashamed of.

That calzone sounds amazing.

Guys, I found this on the floor.

Oh, my God.

Scooby ate the whole tray.

Ruh-roh!

Wait. Where is he, anyway?

Oh, dude.

Scooby got out!

Here we are.

I had a really
great time tonight.

Yeah, me, too.

Do you want to come upstairs?

I'd love to.

There's just
one little thing,

and it probably
doesn't matter, but...

I don't want to get married.

I've been saying that all night
just to get in your pants.

Whoa!

Oh! Ahh!

Can you believe...

Oh, my God! I found
Scooby's wallet.
MARSHALL:
Oh, no!

That means the poor guy's out
there with no identification.

Robin! Hey. Hey, um, remember
Scooby? Uh, well, he got out.

"Got out"? What do you mean?

He just walked out
of the apartment.

Someone must've
left the door open.

(whispering):
It wasn't me.
Me neither.

(gasps)

He must've figured out
how to open it himself.

TED:
He's so smart.

We should get him on Letterman
doing tricks.

MARSHALL:
I know Paul Schaffer's

sandwich guy.
This could happen.

Guys. Get yourselves together
and start looking for Scooby.

I'm on my way home.

Wait wait! Robin.

Can you pick up some calzones?

Wait-- Nora, wait. Wait.

I'm sorry I misled you.

Misled? You lied to me!

You had your friends lie to me!

I was on the spot.
This is your fault.
My fault?

Yeah, with the whole "I want
to get married" thing.

You can't just tell someone
exactly what you want

out of a relationship.

This... isn't England.

Good-bye, Barney.

ROBIN:
Scooby!

Scoob!

Great idea.
No, great idea!

Okay. If you were new in town

and had just ingested an eighth
of sandwich, where would you go?

Of course.

Back to the pizza place!

Yeah! Maybe that's
where Scooby went.

Who's Scooby?

Hey, guys.
Hey, have you seen Scooby?

Uh, yeah. Isn't that him taking
a leak on that fire hydrant?

Scooby!

Oh, hey! It's my friends!

ALL: No!
(brakes squealing)

And that explains 12:51 a.m.

Okay. None of this suggests
a systemic issue.

Your heart's fine.

With a healthy diet, you can
live a long and happy life.

If nobody stabs you.

Day's not over.

Okay.

Lily, I'm sorry that I lied
about wanting to settle down.

No, that wasn't the lie.

The lie was when you told Nora
you were lying.

Because you weren't.

You want that stuff, Barney,
I know you do.

(sighs)
Okay. Maybe, eventually,
I could settle down.

50 years from now, if I have
like a Hefner thing going on

with some really hot twins.

But those twins

won't even be born
for another... 32 years.

I mean...

Nora's great.
She's wonderful. But...

What time was
your dinner reservation?

Last night? 8:30.

What did his heart do at 8:30?

(rhythmic EKG beeping)

(rhythmic beeping continues)

(EKG beeping stops)

(beeping resumes)

It... literally
skipped a beat.

Your heart's talking to you,
Barney.

Do you have the guts
to listen to it?

♪ Stones that I ♪

♪ Carry ♪

♪ Around ♪

♪ ♪

I lied.
Barney.

When I said I lied,
that was a lie, and I'm sorry.

I'm confused.
So am I.

This, all of this,
this is totally new to me,

but I know it's what I want.

I want to be confused.

With you.

Mom, Dad...

this is Barney.

Hi.

I'm Barney.
Great to meet you.

Hey, you want to see
a magic trick?

♪ Sharp as a marble ♪

♪ These stones keep my feet
on the ground ♪

♪ All this experience ♪

♪ Weighs me down. ♪