How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 6, Episode 16 - Desperation Day - full transcript

NARRATOR:
My first kiss with Zoey was amazing,

and complicated.

Look, um...

I know you're going
through a lot right now.

Getting divorced, being single,

figuring out
who you are on your own.

Someone knows how to set a mood.

I just mean...

I'm okay taking this slow.

I want to do this right.

My friends, as usual,
were completely supportive.

You're doing this all wrong!

Ted, there are couples
in my kindergarten class

who have moved
faster than you two.

Granted, their home lives
are not great.

Hey, I'm trying.

I keep suggesting these
big, romantic dates,

and she keeps putting
on the brakes.

Like tonight, she wants me to
just come over and bake cookies.

Oh.

Translation: booty-call.

Total booty-call.

Private Booty,
reporting for duty.

That's crazy.

She-She wants to bake.

Guys booty-call girls
after 2:00 a.m.

with a drunkenly slurred,
"What ya doing?"

But when a lady
booty-calls a guy,

she invents
a respectable excuse

to mask the fact that she wants
to get stuck real good.

It's called class, Ted.

Wait. That...

You think that's what she
means by "baking cookies"?

Are you kidding?

You're in the kitchen,
it's getting hot,

you start licking stuff
off each others' fingers.

Before you know it, she's bent

over the marble island,

and you're spanking her
with a rubber spatula.

And she's screaming,
"Stop, Marshall, stop,"

but that's just
code for "harder!"

So long!

And now he's staying
even longer.

His mom has been having a really
hard time since the funeral.

He's waiting on her
hand and foot.

But...

it's Valentine's Day.

It's not going to be the same

without the two of us
watching Predator together.

I should explain.

On their very first
Valentine's Day,

Marshall and Lily set out
to watch Sleepless in Seattle.

You know, I saw this in
the theater, like, five times,

but I never got to see it
with the right girl.

Aw...

I'm so glad none of those
girls were right for you.

What girls?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:
If it bleeds, we can kill it.

Except Marshall's brothers had
taped over it with Predator.

Mmm.

And it became a tradition.

Wow, you sound really lonely.

I am. Earlier today,
I burst into tears...

Shh. Daddy's
talking now.

Loneliness.
The looming specter

of Valentine's Day
fast approaching.

The two key ingredients to my
favorite day of the year,

February 13:
Desperation Day.

That's not a thing.
It's a thing.

Much like Valentine's
Day itself,

Desperation Day dates
back thousands of years.

BARNEY:
Weddings were forbidden

under ancient Roman law,

so Saint Valentine
performed them in secret,

under threat of death.

That's actually true.
Wait, there's more.

This won't be.

And right by
Saint Valentine's side

was his best bro,
Saint Desperatius,

there to pick off
insecure bridesmaids.

Whoa. Check
out that one.

Her body is a perfect X.

Player, play on.
High V.

Oh, Jupiter,

what are your plans for me?

15 and still unmarried.

And I thought
Pompeii was smokin'.

Every woman wants a date
on Valentine's Day.

That neediness
reaches its climax...

what up... on
February 13.

A magical night when a ten

has the self-esteem
of a four

and the depraved
enthusiasm of a two.

Now, there's only one
thing you can't do.

Please say "widows."

Wherever you are, or
whoever you're under,

you must get home
alone by 11:59 p.m.

Otherwise, you're on a
date on Valentine's Day.

ROBIN:
Barney, Desperation Day

assumes that all single women
freak out about Valentine's Day.

Which we do not.

Case in point, I will be
spending February 13

with some lovely
single ladies from work...

Trolls.
...who could care less

about Valentine's Day.
Lying trolls.

And we will be celebrating
the fact that we don't have

to spend it with some dippy guy

carting around roses
and stuffed toys all night.

Oh, no offense, Ted.

And none was taken
until just then.

for Web-DL PeeWee

I decided to go to Minnesota

to see Marshall.

He shouldn't have
to help his mom

through this rough time
all by himself.

You losing your mind,
being alone in your apartment?

I'm getting weird!

LILY:
See, it started off

with me throwing Marshall's
jersey on my body pillow.

And, well, things kind of
spiraled from there.

I'm sorry
I yelled like that before.

I call him "Marshpillow."
And he calls me...

nothing because he's a pillow.

Hey.

Hey. How was "baking cookies"
last night?

NARRATOR:
That was a tough question.

You see...

Hi.

Uh...

Is that an overnight bag?

(Lily and Robin groan)

You brought an overnight bag?

You guys said I was definitely
going to spend the night.

We said you were
going to have sex.

We didn't say,
"Bring a carry-on."

So how did Zoey react?

She thought it was presumptuous
and asked me to leave.

It's-It's not like
I brought a ton of stuff.

Were there slippers
for the morning?

Not slippers, exactly.

(Lily, Robin and Barney
groaning)

They're called
British morning socks.

JUDY:
This is such a nice surprise.

Marshall will be so happy.

Oh...

How are you holding up, Judy?

Oh, I'm doin' okay.

It gets a little lonely.

My friends suggested
a body pillow, but...

(chuckles)
I'm not a lunatic.

MARSHALL:
Hey, Mom?

I hate to be that guy,

but I'm pretty sure
it was Hot Pocket o'clock,

like, ten minutes ago.

Lily. Lily.
(video game sound effects)

What are you doing here?

I wanted to surprise you.

Oh, my gosh.
That's so sweet.

I'm so glad you're here.

Hey, um, before I forget, Mom,

did you remember to get
more double-A batteries?

Oh, they're upstairs, sweetie.

Right next to your washed
and folded clothes.

Oh, great, okay. I don't want
my Game Boy to crap out.

I'm having the sickest
Dr. Mario run of my life.

Okay. I'll be
right back.

I love you, Lily.

Okay.

You're the best, Mom.

Aw... Anything
for my baby bear.

Get him out of my house.

Take Marshall back
to New York with you.

Please, I am begging you.

I thought he was here
helping you.

Well, he was, at first.

But once he saw me starting

to do better,
he kind of regressed.

He's been holed up in his room
for days at a time,

playing old video games.

I mean, he is having a pretty
sick Dr. Mario run, but...

(sighs)

Uh, I'll talk to him.

I want to be there for him,

but it's like
he's a teenager again.

I even walked in
on him abusing himself.

Oh, God.

There he was, on the bed,

looking at old photos
of his dad.

That's emotional self-abuse,
don't you think?

(knocking)

Hi.
Hi.

Listen,

that was a dumb move
for me to just assume...

No, no, I overreacted.

I mean, I invited you over
to "bake cookies."

We both knew what that meant.

We totally did.

I just, you know...

I saw those slippers
in your bag,

and suddenly everything

felt really serious.

And... ever since,
I've been asking myself,

"Am I ready for this?"

And...

the answer is "yes."

They're actually called
British morning socks.

Yeah. Don't get in your own way.

Right. Okay.

(video game sound effects)

Um, Marshall, your mom asked me

to carry this up.

She turned her ankle
on your Hot Wheels.

Is my track okay?

It's fine, but, Marshall,

I thought you were here
taking care of your mom.

It seems like
she's taking care of you.

My mom loves to feel needed.

Letting her take care of me

is how I'm taking care of her.

She's in a dark place, Lily.

She needs this.

Mom?

You forgot my chocolate milk

with the swirly straw!

JUDY:
Oops. Comin' right up!

Ow. Ow.

(whispers):
She needs this.

Marshall,
tomorrow's Valentine's.

Don't you want to be
at home on our couch,

cuddling up under
a warm blanket,

watching the Predator
use his heat vision

to stalk helpless prey?

(makes Predator clicking noise)

Well, baby, we could
watch Predator here.

No, my mom can go
rent it for us

after she's done
digging out the car.

Marshall, your mom wants you
out of here.

What?

Anything else, sweetie?

Mom, d-do you want me to leave?

Heavens to Bess, no!

Of course not!

But, Judy, you said...

Oh, if Marshall could
stay here forever,

I would be the happiest
mom in Minnesota.

(chuckles)

(mouthing)

So Valentine's Day is tomorrow.

Yeah. You know, there's
this new Italian restaurant

on 79th that's
supposed to be amazing.

I would be happier having
just a simple, home-cooked meal.

As long as it's with you.

Tomorrow night, my place.

I'm ready for this, Ted.

I am in it

for the long haul.

I can't wait for our first
Valentine's Day as a couple.

(laughs)

The one we'll remember
for years.

Isn't that great?
Yeah, if you say so, yeah.

What do you mean?

(sighs)

Look, she just got
out of a marriage, Ted.

That's heavy.

I'm kind of freaking out,
just listening to you.

My heart is pounding,

I'm hearing this weird
clicking noise.

(Predator clicking noise)

Well, it's romantic, right?

Zoey and I are getting serious
on Valentine's Day.

See, that just amps up
the pressure even more.

Boy, it's a good thing
that you're sure.

Who said I wasn't sure?

I'm glad we're
in a serious relationship.

Right away.

And if I screw this up,

I'm the devil,

because she's going
through a divorce.

But I'm not going
to screw this up.

So stop freaking out, Robin.

Stop freaking out!

NARRATOR: Kids, I'm not super
proud of what I did next.

Hi!

I'm here to help Marshall.

Meanwhile, as Desperation Day

turned into
Desperation Night...

God, these girls are so hungry
for male attention.

It is like being a hunter
and having the deer walk up,

tie itself to the hood
of your car

and beg to get mounted.

ROBIN:
Barney, this is

Bev and Anna, uh, my
coworkers and my friends.

Bev, Anna, this is Barney,
a high-functioning sociopath

and my ex.

Enchanté.

That's French for
"What's with the purple?"

Well, tomorrow is
Valentine's Day,

and everything is
pink and red, so Bev

very thoughtfully suggested

that we wear purple to
show how little we care.

I use, uh, colors
to express emotion.

Purple is for pride.

It was a stupid idea.

Bev, you look at me.

It's not a stupid idea.

Tonight, we are queens.

And we don't care
about some stupid,

sexist, corporate holiday.

Please!

You might as well be dog-earing
a tear-stained bridal magazine

while wolfing down
the box of chocolates

you had delivered
to yourself at work

from your "fiancé"
who no one's ever met.

Gerard is real!

Oh!

(video game sound effects)

Ted... I thought
you were going

to talk to Marshall about
coming back to New York.

Yeah, but, you know,
things move so fast in New York.

Why not hang out here until
at least after Valentine's Day?

Plus, we're helping
Marshall's mom.

Uh, Mrs. Eriksen,
we're running low on SunnyD!

JUDY:
Is orange juice okay?

BOTH:
No!

Okay, when your "fiancé"
Gerard comes back

from fixing cleft palates
in Peru,

maybe snatch a photo
of the two of you together,

and then I'll totally
believe you.

Well, he's going to
Kenya after Peru, so...

Hey, guys, so sorry I'm late.

Hey. Hey, Nora. Uh,
Nora, this is Barney.

You want to see Anna beat
him in an arm wrestle?

My elbow slipped!

Marshall, I'm going home.

What?

I'm flying out tonight
before the big storm,

and I want you to come with me.

I can't right now,
'cause my mom needs me.

While I'm sure
it's been really helpful

for her to have you here

playing Super Mario Kart
for 14 hours a day...

You have Super Mario Kart?!

Hell, yeah.

But your mom doesn't need you.

Your life in New York needs you.

It needs you really bad.

Baby, don't go.

Please come home soon.

So, you were an Olympic gymnast?

Silver medal.

Ooh, sorry.

Gold's the only thing
that really counts.

That's what my dad said.

And she sticks the landing.

Why don't you start
stretching, and I'll...

be right back.

Hey, hey, sorry.
Oh, hi.

Quick question.
Yeah.

Why aren't you wearing purple
like your friends?

Oh, I told them I forgot,
but the truth is,

I'm kind of protesting
their protest.

Can you keep a secret?

Sure.

I love Valentine's Day.

Oh, my gosh! Me, too!

Um, is it getting crowded
in here, 'cause I think

there are two peas in this pod?

Oh, you're a gooey romantic,
too?

Guilty. This is
embarrassing,

but every year, I buy flowers
and a box of chocolates,

even if I'm not with someone.

Just in case, you know?

We are pitiful.
The worst.

(both chuckle)

Although there is one difference
between you and me.

What's that? I'm not
saying any of this

to get in your pants.

(video game sound effects)

I miss my dad, Ted.

I miss him so much.

I know.

Um, when I was a kid,

we would spend the summers
in the Upper Peninsula.

And every year,
we wouldn't get to the cabin

till, like,
the middle of the night.

And so, it would be pitch black,

in the middle of the woods.

And I could never see anything
in front of the headlights,

but I always felt so safe
'cause my dad was driving.

He was like
some sort of superhero

who could just see way out
into the darkness.

Now he's just gone.

And it's pitch black.

And I can't see where I'm going.

I can't see anything.

All right, okay.

I was playing you before.

But I was really doing you
a public service.

It's February 13...

a day many are now calling
Desperation Day.

It's kind of a thing.

And you walking around,
saying you're a gooey romantic?

It comes across a bit desperate.

What's desperate about
knowing what you want?

Look, life is
really short, Barney.

Who wants to spend
Valentine's Day alone,

distracting yourself
from the fact

that nobody loves you
with some sad little activity?

Um, or you could be
in the 47th Semi-Annual

Laser Tag Tournament
in Poughkeepsie.

I have no idea what any
of those words mean.

Hey, I'm all stretched out!

Here's the first thing you need
to know about laser tag.

Thanks a lot
for coming out here, man.

Yeah.

Hey, are-are you sure
it's okay with Zoey

that you're here
for Valentine's Day?

Well, I mean, technically,
she doesn't know yet.

What?

Things with Zoey

are moving really fast,

and the divorce just makes
everything more complicated.

I just, I needed
to take a step back.

You're not taking a step back.

You're running away.

And hiding out here,

hiding out here is not gonna
solve anything.

You're just

holed up in Minnesota

because you're too scared
to face reality, and it's...

We got to go back
to New York, tonight.

We're snowed in.
Lily got the last flight.

So, we drive. It's time.

It's time to get back
to real life.

It's time to grow up.

Yeah.

Mom!

Can you make us some
PB and J's for the road?

Crusts cut off.

Crusts cut off!

No, Ted. What are we...?

We're men.

Mom!

Leave the crusts on!

They forced their opponents
to scatter, picking them off,

one by one, in a swift
and merciless slaughter.

They became the 2010
Tri-County Champions.

Wow. Laser tag
sounds brilliant!

Oh, it is.

Plus, if you win,
you get free pizza!

This is my teammate
for tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, I agreed to that.

Where are Bev and Anna?

Well...

So, we're taking off.

What?

Those guys are gonna

buy us hot dogs
at Grey's Papaya.

ROBIN:
What...? So that's it?

A couple of white Urkels offer
you sausages, and you're gone?

What about the sisterhood?

Solidarity? The color purple?

But tomorrow's Valentine's Day.

I thought we didn't care
about Valentine's Day.

Look, Robin, you'll
find someone, too.

You're a queen.

You've got so much to offer.

Maybe do something
with that hair.

I'm telling you.

The power of Valentine's Day.

I'm Huey Lewis,
and you just heard the news.

Well, I think
I'm heading out, too.

What? No, don't go!
You want to see a magic trick?!

It's late, and I have a date
with my pillow.

I mean, not literally.
I'm not a lunatic.

Boy Scout Troop 15

doesn't stand a chance.

Bye.

Mm.

Speaking of the power
of Valentine's Day...

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on.

It's-It's past midnight.

Desperation Day
has come and gone,

and you have neither gone
nor come.

You know why?

You like Nora.

No, I don't. She's gross.

Oh...
You like her.

You think she smells like rain.

Whatever you say.

Oh, hey, Nora.

Nora...

MARVIN:
Here's a secret.

I couldn't see
worth a damn, either, buddy.

I just kept driving forward,
hoping for the best.

Look out!
(gasps)

Gotcha.

(laughs)

NARRATOR: And so we
drove through the night,

out of Desperation Day
and into Valentine's.

And there was no trace of
my little freak out, except...

Really? An overnight bag
for your own living room?

Looks like we got
a matching set.

Well, that was kind of
presumptuous.

♪♪

♪ The ground was shaking like ♪

(lasers firing)
Robin, where are you?

Those Boy Scouts have grown
a foot since last year.

They're terrifying!

Oh, yeah.

Change of plans.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Hap...?
Hey, Barney.

Robin told me
to meet you guys here.

And that's how,
for the first time in his life,

Barney Stinson wound up
on a date on Valentine's Day.

(laser firing)

Oh!

(scoffs)

(sighs)

You will be avenged.

(laser firing)

♪ It's good to see you ♪

SCHWARZENEGGER (over TV):
Come on! Come on!

Kill me! I'm here! Kill me!

♪ It's good to see you though ♪

Baby, you're back.

Happy Valentine's
Day, Lily Pad. Oh.

We both knew this
would end eventually.