How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 6, Episode 14 - Last Words - full transcript

Kids, when your best friend
loses someone...

My dad's dead?

...you drop everything
and rush to his side.

Only to find yourself
standing there

with no idea what to do or say.

This is the toughest time
in Marshall's life

and I feel absolutely useless.

What can we do to help?

Don't look at me.

This morning Marshall said,
"I have to pee".

And I, "Don't worry, baby,
I'll do it for you".

Halfway through the pee,

I'm, like, "This doesn't
even make sense!"

Well, uh, I've been
to a couple funerals,

so I know my role:
I'm Vice Girl.

Whatever Marshall needs
to get through this day,

I got it right here.

Whoa!

Cigarettes, alcohol...

are these firecrackers?

My God, Robin,
you somehow crammed

Tijuana into a purse.

Be cool, nerds!

Marshall's mom hasn't eaten,
slept or sat down

since we got here.

Wait! That can be my role!

I'll take care of Judy!

Yeah, but doesn't
Marshall's mom hate you...

the fact that you two
aren't very close?

Sweet save.

Okay, yes,
Judy and I aren't besties,

but today, whatever she needs,
I'm there.

I'm on Judy duty.

"Judy duty".

She said "doody".

Really, guys? At a funeral?

Uh, okay, while not all
of us possess

your lofty sense of decorum,

Drug-Dealer-From-An-'80s-
After-School-Special,

we have to laugh today.

- It's healthy.
- Wait a minute!

Today, we are gonna make
Marshall laugh.

How?

Ted, what's the one thing that

always cracks him up?

Internet footage of a guy
getting hit in the nuts.

Internet footage of a guy

getting hit in the nuts, exactly!

So we are gonna get our bro
a four-star nad rattler.

You search knees, feet, banisters,

fire hydrants and diving boards,

and I'll cover bats, rackets,
hockey sticks,

golf clubs and riding crops.

What about animals?

Uh... claws, paws, talons,

hooves, beaks and
clenched monkey fists.

We can do this!

Hey, guys, sorry, uh...
I left my charger back

in New York, so my phone's
out of juice.

Does anyone have...?

Outlet or USB?

Uh, outlet.

Thank you.

Oh...

Wow, you really do have
everything in there, don't you?

You're like Mary Poppins,
if her magic purse was

also filled with drugs.

"If"? Ted, the kids
in that movie jumped

into a painting and spent 15
minutes chasing a cartoon fox.

"Spoonful of sugar..."?

Grow up.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Judy.

Thank you, Reverend.

We're so happy that you're
going to lead the services today.

Unfortunately, I can't.

My daughter in Chicago
just went into labor.

But I'm leaving you in
the capable hands

of my second-in-command: my son.

Your son?

Oh, you remember Trey.

I'll go grab him.

Guys...

Trey Platt terrorized me
growing up.

He was, he was the toughest
bully in school.

'Sup Marshall.

Hello, Trey.

- Long time.
- Mm-hmm.

I was not aware

that you had become a reverend.

Yeah, well, your lunch money
finally ran out.

Kidding!

Marshall Eriksen,
you could use a laugh.

Yeah!

This video is entitled,
"Little League Coach Gets Hit in

the Nuts by a Foul Ball and Then
Vomits in a Garbage Can".

I don't wanna give anything away.
Let's just watch.

Oh!

See? 'Cause, 'cause he got hit...

right in the nuts,

The fat kid just runs away.

Trey Platt.

I can't believe

my father's funeral
service is being led

by Trey "The Noogie Machine" Platt.

That guy gave you noogies?

What, did he carry a stepladder?

He made me carry it.

So, my dad has these questions
he asks to help create

a theme for the service,
or whatever.

Question one:

"What were your last words
with the deceased?"

Lame.

Question two:

Wait...

My last words with
Marvin were lovely.

I've been thinking
about them a lot.

Me, too.

We went for a hike in the snow

and had this amazing talk.

My last day with Pop,

he taught my son how to skate.

Well, this is
clearly yielding nothing.

Thanks, Dad.

Guess I'll have to fill the time

with some jokes... again.

"Last words" seems
like a good theme.

Marshall, do you
remember the last thing

your father said to you?

- Bye, sweetie.
- Bye, Mom.

Son,

there's something I want to say
before I leave.

Yeah, Dad?

Could I snag that extra
pork chop for the flight?

I was gonna make
a sandwich with that, Dad.

- Ah...
- Dad, don't they have

food on the plane?

Yeah, but plane food is ass.

"Plane food is ass".

Those are the last words

my father will ever say to me.

Right after I denied
the man a pork chop.

Oh, God.

Wait!

I'm wrong!

I'm wrong! That wasn't it!

They couldn't find a cab...

Hey, Marshall!

- so my dad called up from the street.
- Marshall!

Looks like rain out here!

I couldn't find an umbrella in
your closet!

You know who probably has
an umbrella?

And then, well, see,

my dad grew up in a small town,
in another generation,

so sometimes...
totally well-meaningly...

he'd say stuff like...

The Koreans across the hall!

Hey, the Koreans are a
trustworthy and generous people!

Dad...

I betcha one of the Koreans has
an umbrella!

Heck, they're Koreans!

My dad's last words to me
were a string

of odd racial stereotypes.

All that stuff was really nice!

Yeah! It's positive racism!

This is worse
than the pork chop.

This next clip is entitled,
"Guy Playing Bagpipes

Gets Hit in the Nuts
by Low-Flying Seagull".

Let's see what happens.

Here he comes...

Oh! Oh!

'Cause he gets hit
right in the nuts.

And then the fat kid
loses his swim trunks.

Fall off. Shorts
just fall right off.

No, wait... I'm wrong.

That wasn't it.

They couldn't find a cab,
so I went down there.

Hey, you were right.

The Kangs did, in fact,
have an umbrella.

Of course they did.

Bye, sweetie.

Bye, Mom.

Hey, son, I just want to leave
you with a little advice.

Rent Crocodile Dundee III.

I caught it on the cable
last night.

It totally holds up!

Crocodile Dundee III is the
second-best of the Croc trilogy,

so maybe I can live with that.

Oh, sorry, my phone's charged.

I, uh, I hear you're a woman
who can get things.

I've been known to locate
certain objects

from time to time.

I need vodka and
dirty playing cards.

I got ya.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

I have a voice mail from my dad.

You have a voice mail
from your dad?

How?

My phone's been out of juice,

so he must've called me
the day the he, uh...

Baby, are you okay?

I hold in my hand the last words
my father will ever say to me.

I'm gonna hit play.

What's wrong?

What if it's worse
than Crocodile Dundee III?

I can't do this.
I can't...

My mom is about to collapse.
I'm gonna...

Wait... no, no, baby...
Baby, I got it. Let me.

You should listen to it.

Just don't put
too much pressure on it.

She's right.

I mean, this idea that
someone's last words have

to be profound
and meaningful?

I mean, who can live up to that?

Exactly.

All those "famous last word"

people supposedly said?
They're all made up.

Like that patriotic
dude, Nathan Hale,

from third-grade history?

My I only regret is I have

but one life to lose
for my country.

You know what his real
last words were?

I'm peeing my pants!

True story.

The point is,
last words are overrated.

Look, think of it this way:

you get to hear your
dad's voice one last time.

I should go listen to this...

alone, okay?
I'll be right back.

Okay.

Hey, so, um, I heard
you might have...

You heard right.

I'm getting a reputation.

So, what you need, mama?
Come here.

Guys, listen
to what just happened.

Judy, do you need a break?
I'm happy to cook for a while.

You think your snobby
New York cooking is

better than mine... admit it!

Well, go ahead, Lily, why don't
you just whip up a batch

of your fancy tofu sushi bagels!

And choke on them!

- Whoa.
- Are you okay?

Listen!

I'm gonna go take a nap.

Judy's finally sleeping
and it's all because of me!

Guys, I have a role:
I'm Judy's bitch! Yeah!

Well, but this day is

tough on you, too.

You sure you can
absorb all that?

Yeah! Robin gave me a little
orange pill from her purse.

I don't know what's in it,

but things are flowin'
pretty smooth right now.

Hey, stay hydrated.

Hey.

So?

I couldn't listen to it.

Guys, this is hard.

We know, baby.

But you'll always wonder,
if you don't.

Your dad loved you.

It almost doesn't matter
what he said.

- It doesn't.
- That's true.

Guys, guys, what if...

God forbid...

all of your dads died right now?

What would their last words
to you have been? Seriously.

I know mine.

When I was in Cleveland
last month,

I went to visit my dad at his...

post-divorce bachelor pad.

Been fun bro-ing out
with you tonight, T-Dawg.

Yeah... so glad we can we can
talk about our sex lives now.

That's totally an improvement.

I hooked up

with a younger woman
the other week...

Donna Bromstead.

My prom date?!

How far did you get, T-Dawg?

I have to go.

Ugh...

How would you like those
to be your father's last words?

Well, they might be.

Donna Bromstead's
husband is a cop.

Lawyered.

Lily?

Hello.

Lily, it's Dad.

Listen, I'm sort of in jail
for not paying taxes

for the last 25 years.

But bright side... I thought
of a great new board game.

"Tax Evasion"...
ages six to ten.

Which is, ironically,
what I might be looking at.

Anyway, Pumpkin,
I need $15,000.

Fooled ya.

Leave a message after the beep.

We'll get back to ya.

Beep.

Lawyered.

Robin?

And so, despite the endless
disappointment you've caused me,

I pray that this will finally

be the year you achieve something

of actual significance.

I'd love to stop

lying to my friends about you
being in a coma.

Anyway, the point is,
happy birthday, RJ.

- Whoa-ho!
- Wow.

That's awful.

No, here's the awful part.

You remembered my birthday!

Lawyered.

Now can we all just admit

that last words are,
in fact, a big deal?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Man, I always thought
I had it rough

not really knowing
my dad, but...

now I realize at least

I'll never have
to suffer like this.

Our next video is called

"German Shepherd Activates
Tennis Ball Cannon

While Fat Kid Sips Energy Drink".

- It's...
- Barney, please, Barney!

No more videos, okay?

I just need a minute.

Okay...

okay, who is
responsible for this?

Who got Cousin Daphne drunk?

She is 15 years old.

Whoa, they grow big out here.

And here's your
phone number back.

- Judy, I...
- I did it.

What possible excuse
could you have for this?

I'm from New York.

We think getting minors
drunk is funny.

There's nothing funny about
getting minors drunk!

You should be ashamed, Lily!

Ashamed!

Mmm!

Oh, cripes, that's tasty.

Mmm! Mmm!

That salad's the first food
she's eaten in two days.

Sure, it's mostly cheese,
mayonnaise and jelly beans,

but it counts.

Well, at least someone's helping.

We haven't made
Marshall laugh once.

Yeah.

Showing videos of guys
getting hit in the nuts

wasn't going to do anything.

- I'm just stupid.
- Stupid.

What we need to do is hit
each other in the nuts.

Yes.

Nothing beats the immediacy
of live theater.

But which one of us is
going to take the hit?

Hey, Marshall.

So that's it?

No discussion?

I'm not going to listen.

"Rent Crocodile Dundee III"

are the last words that
my father will ever say to me,

and I think I can live with that.

Is he laughing?

Marshall really did think
he could live with that.

That is, until later,
at the memorial service.

My last talk with Marvin
was so lovely.

The stories his mother and
brothers told were so perfect.

Then he picked my crying son
up off the ice.

He gave him a hug and said,

"Champ, it doesn't matter if you
fall down once in a while".

And as we hiked, a little deer
appeared on the path.

She hopped over to Dad
and started eating...

right out of his hand.

And then he kissed me
and he said...

"I will always be proud of you".

"Life is such a gift".

"You know something, gorgeous?

I'm the luckiest man alive".

Lame.

These stories suck.

Doesn't hold a candle
to your Crocodile Dundee thing.

You're up next, baby.

I just need some air.

Baby, are you okay?

I have to listen to it.

It's a pocket dial.

It's nothing.

Hey, so it's a pocket dial.

You have so many great
memories with your dad.

Who cares about the last one?

- She's right.
- Your dad was hilarious.

You guys don't get it, okay?

None of you do.

My dad was my hero.

And he was my teacher.

And he was my best friend.

He always came through for me.

And now he's just gone.

And what am I left with?

Thanks a lot, God!

Thank you!

You took my father...

the greatest man that
I have ever known...

and you ripped him off
this Earth, way too young!

And he'll never get to
meet our kids, Lily.

But we got this voice mail.

Thank you so much
for the voice mail!

It's a great comfort!

'Cause whenever I'm starting

to feel lonely or sad, or...
or you know what,

or maybe a little bit cheated,

at least I got

the sound of his pocket
to console me.

Marshall...

How is this fair?

You know, like,
an entire human life

and it just ends for
no reason, and...

and what are we left with?

Marshall?

Oh, looks like I've been calling
you for almost five minutes.

How's my pocket sound?

Oh, sorry about that, buddy.

Um, anyway, your mom and I had
such a great time seeing you.

I love you.

Looks like your dad
came through one last time.

"I love you".

My father's last words
to me are "I love you".

Ooh, and let me know
if you find my foot cream.

That fungus thing
is acting up again.

"I love you".

My father's last words to me
are "I love you".

- Yes.
- Yes, they were.

- We heard it.
- Loud and clear.

Bye, Pop.

So Marshall finally
got up to speak.

Funny thing, though...

Then my father said the last
words that he'll ever say to me:

"Rent Crocodile Dundee III.

I caught it on the cable
last night

and it totally holds up".

He decided to keep Marvin's
real last words

just for himself.

Thanks.

For what?

I know what you've
been doing today.

And I really needed it.

Any time.

That dress makes you look
like a Kansas City whore.

Sorry, dear.
Last one.

Oh, man.

I should have rented
Crocodile Dundee III.

Okay, seriously,
how are you doing that?

Thanks.

I'll be right back.

And if I don't come back,

well, then these are
my last words to you all.

I really, really, really
love you guys.

Now I'm going
to go drop a deuce.

Last words... it's a lot
of pressure, kids.

It gets you thinking.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Dad.

Hey, Mom.

I'm ready to meet my dad.