How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 6, Episode 13 - Bad News - full transcript

Kids, in the winter of 2010,

we had a new addition to our
little group-- Zoey.

Zoey was married to... The Captain.

Boys! Great to see you!

Looking smart.

Have a wonderful time tonight, okay?

Okay.

That man is terrifying.

Everything he said was nice,
but I am profoundly scared.

Keep smiling. He can still see us.

There was just something about him.

We couldn't put our finger on it until...

I figured it out!

I know what's so creepy about The Captain.

Okay.

Yeah.

I snapped this photo of him

last time he dropped off Zoey.

Observe.

The bottom half of his face... is smiling.

Oh. Look, he seems happy.

Seems like a nice guy.

But the top half of his face...

...wants to murder you!

Cheerful.

Wants to murder you.

No. Cheerful.

Wants to murder you.

Now, hold on. Let me ask him a question.

Captain, what do you think of ice cream?

Oh, he loves it!

Captain, what do you think of rainy days?

Whoa, he hates them.

Captain, quick question:

How do you feel about
the Jonas Brothers? Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

What-What is that?

I don't get it. I don't get it.

He hates that he loves them.

Ah!

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Great. Okay.

Hey, guys, Zoey just told me

about this great Frank Lloyd
Wright retrospective tonight.

Who's in?

Sorry, I'm, uh, I...

I- I don't know, washing my hair.

Running the water.

Holding the towel.

And I'll be home

trying to get over the fact

that no one invited me to
the big hair washing party.

All right, fine.
Guess it'll just be me and Zoey.

Oh, wait. Just the two of you?

Tread lightly, Mosby.

Any time

a single guy hangs out

with a married woman,

there are rules that must be followed.

Rule number one...

Don't use the husband's condoms.

That's just rude.

Rule number one:

don't go anywhere that has candles.

Excuse me, Captain, how do you feel

about Ted and Zoey having an
intimate chat by candlelight?

Mm-hmm...

It'll be the last dinner they ever have.

Rule number two:

No sharing food. Hmm.

In fact, anything involving
saliva is off-limits.

Toothbrushes, thermometers, lipstick.

Well, if I can't share her lipstick,

there's really no point in even going.

And the most important rule of all...

Lubricant is public property.

Please.

No lying to the spouse

about anything you do.

Why would anyone lie?

Look, Zoey and I are just friends.

If there was anything more than that,

I wouldn't hang out with her.

Lily's right, Ted. Once you're married,

it's very hard to be friends

with a single person of the
opposite sex. ROBIN: Yeah.

Unless you're old friends, which is why

I can hang out with
Marshall whenever I want.

Right, Marsh Madness?

No doubt, Robo Cop.

You two never hang out alone.

You just made up those nicknames right now.

I guess it's true.

You and I never really hang out alone.

Well, let's. Let's have dinner together,
just the two of us.

Oh! Sweet.

No candles.

No candles.

Lily, I guess that leaves
just you and me. Want to hang?

And then Lily said something to Barney

that insulted every fiber of his being.

Nah.

Wait. No. It had to be more
than just, "Nah."

Oh, I think she said...

You're a big... stupid octopus head!

No, that doesn't make sense.

Okay, hang on. What did she say?

She said, um, uh...

To be honest kids, I'm having a
little trouble remembering

exactly what their fight was about.

Hey, it was 20 years ago!

I'll remember.

Anyway, the next night...

Well, Lily, you were right.

Something weird happened
with Zoey last night.

Oh, that's the Captain.

Yes, I call my husband The Captain,

but that is the only concession
I make to his seafaring ways.

Hang on.

Ahoy.

I'm just out with friends.

Friends. Plural.

Like-Like there was more than one of me.

Ew! Ew!

She lied to her husband? Uh-oh.

So, what did you do?

Uh, Zoey, um, did you just say
you were out with friends?

Yeah. The Captain's on
his way home from Milan.

He can get a little jealous sometimes,

so I didn't want to make him worry.

Is that okay?

It's totally okay.

It's not okay! I didn't
really think it was okay!

Pur-leez! You lie to your
husband all the time.

"Uh, uh, that shirt looks great on you""

"I love your mom""

"I never fantasize about
Barney when we're doing it""

Sound familiar, Pinocchio?

What's wrong with this shirt?

Lily, ruling.

Do I have to stop

hanging out with Zoey?

No, you just need to spend time

with her and The Captain together.

If you're friends with the both of them,

then there's not a problem.

Actually, I do have a standing
invitation from The Captain

to go for a ride with them on his boat.

Great. So go make nice with Captain Creepy,

and problem solved.

The next night,

Marshall and Robin went to dinner,

just the two of them.

Now historically,

they had three solid conversation topics:

cold weather...

December chill-- so great.

Totally.

...sports...

Did you catch

the game last night?

Yeah. Nail-biter.

...and cold weather sports.

You know what's fun? Mm.

Is cold weather sports.

They are fun.

They blew through them all in
the first 16 seconds.

Man, this is awkward.

She's giving me nothing!

He's just staring at me!

She's just staring at me!

It's making me nervous.

Great, now my left eye is twitching.

Marshall, it's cool.

She doesn't see it.

What the hell's going on with his eye?

Am I supposed to not talk about that?

Great, now my right eye is doing it.

Can I get you two some drinks?

Lots of drinks. Oh, so many drinks.

That same night, Barney and
Lily were still fighting

about, um... something.

Or was it that other thing?

Barney. Save it, Lily.

I am still mad at you for...

something, and for that other thing.

Look, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.

But let's be honest.

You've been super sensitive lately.

No, I haven't!

God, how can you say that?!

Watch out!

Wait. They were on the street.

Watch out! Oh!

Wow. Thanks, Lily.

You saved me.

You saved us.

Look, I know you didn't mean

whatever it was you said
that made me so mad.

I think I probably didn't.

And just like that, the fight was over.

You know, kids, friendship
is funny sometimes.

Wait.

I still can't resist
getting one last shot in.

Like I said, the fight was
just getting started.

Hi, Captain.

The Captain.

Captain.

Ahoy, Ted!

Excellent to see you.

Ah, you, too. Uh, where's Zoey?

Well, I'm afraid

she's feeling a little under the weather.

Looks like it's just

you, me

and six hours in frigid
international waters.

Or we could stay on dry land,
hang out with some... witnesses.

You're a hoot.

I've been looking forward to this.

For a very long time.

Well, anchors aweigh!

Kids, here's one thing I do remember.

I was pretty sure I was going
to die that night.

Mmm.

Mmm.

You know, I had this really
boring poetry class in college.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You were just thinking that
this dinner is really boring.

That's what made you think of
your boring class in college.

What?! What? No! No! No, no, no.

Marshall, no. No. I...

I just saw that board of specials,
and I thought,

you know what sucks?

Being bored.

Which I am not.

So that clears that... right up.

Robin, I'm an attorney.

Fine. This night's a little awkward.

I guess it's 'cause we never
hang out alone together.

Why is that?

It's 'cause of The Mermaid Theory.

Two years ago, I had just hired
a new assistant at GNB.

So, who's the eye broccoli?

Okay, that's Iris, my new assistant.

And yes, she's a little plain,

but I'm married, so that's good.

Mark my words, Marshall.

Someday you will find Iris
so excruciatingly attractive,

you won't be able to look
her directly in the boobs.

I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

Marshall, do you know how the
myth of mermaids came to be?

I'm sorry. Myth?

It was 300 years ago.

Sailors stuck at sea would get desperate

for female companionship.

It got so bad that, eventually,

the manatees out in the water
started to look like...

beautiful women.

Mermaids.

Let's go get some tail!

Oh.

You see, every woman,
no matter how initially repugnant,

has a mermaid clock-- the time it takes

for you to realize you want to bone her.

Sure, today you see Iris as a manatee.

But she ain't gonna stay that way.

Marshall, your secretary's
mermaid clock starts right now.

And it took one year, three months,
and 16 days,

but eventually...

D'oh!

Told you.

The Mermaid Theory.

It's a thing.

You owe me 500 bucks.

Did we bet on this?

Let's say yes.

And that's why we never hang out alone? Yes.

As Lily's best friend,
you are the last person on the planet

o's allowed to turn into a mermaid.

Wait, does that mean

that I'm a manatee right now?

Big-time manatee.

What were those sailors thinking?

Huh. I don't know.

Being out at sea can do
crazy things to a man.

Vast, the sea.

Deep.

Endless.

Going around for miles.

You could scream and scream,
and not a soul would hear you.

Listen to this.

Help!

Somebody help me!

I'm trapped on a boat with a madman!

Help!

See? Nothing.

He's gonna kill me.

Okay, calm down, Teddy.

He's not jealous.

He hasn't even mentioned Zoey.

So, Ted,

I noticed you've been spending
a lot of time with Zoey.

Okay, back to Barney and Lily

and whatever the hell they
were fighting about.

Seriously? I step away for
five seconds, and you eat

all my onion rings?

No surprise there.

What's that supposed to mean?

Are you calling me fat?

If there is one thing you never do,

it is call a woman fat right to her face!

Wait. Barney's not a woman.

That's right-- Barney wasn't hurt by Lily,

Lily was hurt by Barney.

Want to hang?

Nah.

Watch out!

Wow... thanks, Barney.

You saved me.

You saved us.

If there's one thing you never do,

it's call a woman fat right to her face!

Okay, now I'm on track.

The rest of this story should
make perfect sense.

Oh, Lily, I'm sorry.

Hey, you want to see a magic trick?

You're a jerk.

Okay, that makes no sense.

Kids, I'm officially admitting defeat.

I will never remember this story.

I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Ted, let me show you my harpoon collection.

Just gonna make a quick call.

Hey, silly question.

What are our exact nautical coordinates?

How now?

Oh, bother.

Well...

she's a goner.

By now, the icy tide has already dropped

its core temperature to near freezing.

And down it goes.

Now it's at 50 meters.

Complete crushing blackness.

100 meters.

The pressure is so intense,

the keys are popping right out of its head.

Head? 200 meters.

No one will ever find its mangled remains,

save for the crustacea

that feed off its lifeless husk.

Can you hear me now?

No. Because you're on the bottom of the sea.

Well, I got a big morning, so...

Dry cleaners, bank, you know,
so... Ted, it's time.

I have something for you.

Wait here.

Okay, you got to swim for it, Mosby.

Man versus sea.

You can do this.

You didn't get a "Good Effort" ribbon

from the Shaker Heights JCC Swim Camp

because you don't have what it takes.

Found it.

Zoey told me

you're a scotch drinker.

I bought this special for tonight.

And just as I started to realize that maybe

I wasn't in danger after all, we hit a bump.

Whoa!

Ted?

that if you spend

too much time alone with me,
I'll turn into a mermaid?

Yes. I mean, sure, right now,
you're bald and leathery

ancovered in a thick layer of blubber...

Am I blushing or...?

...but at some point, my stupid
male brain will transform you

into a foxy fish-babe singin'

"Part of Your World" to my pants.

Okay, even if that happens,
is there any way to un-mermaid me?

I asked Barney the same thing.

Once mermaid-ified, there's only one way

a woman can go back to
being unattractive again,

but it's pretty gruesome.

Death?

Worse. Pregnancy.

If a baby's on board that train,

it is headed straight
back to Manatee City...

where the grass ain't green
and the girls ain't pretty.

Pregnancy?

Mm-hmm. Once a mermaid gets pregnant,

she becomes a manatee again.

Never thought I'd say that sentence.

Wait! That's it!

That's what Barney and
Lily were fighting about!

The Mermaid Theory!

But their argument didn't
happen at the same time

as all this other stuff.
I'm literally in the wrong year!

It happened much,
much later when Lily was...

pregnant.

Well, Lily, I guess it's just you and me.

You wanna hang?

Nah.

Whenever we're alone, you spend

the whole time undressing me with your eyes.

You even take off my shoes.

High heels chafe my shoulders.

But you don't have to
worry about that anymore.

Ever since you got pregnant,
you're just a big fat manatee.

Well, you're a big...

stupid octopus face!

That was it! I remember now!

Wow. Thanks, Barney.

You saved me.

You saved us.

If there's one thing you never do,

it's call a woman "fat" right to her face!

I'm sorry, Lily.

Hey, you want to see a magic trick?

Oh...

You're a jerk.

Hey. Hey, wait.

Come on. I was kid... Wait, wait, wait!

There's another addendum
to The Mermaid Theory.

A pregnant woman who's
become a manatee can become

a mermaid again through one simple act.

What's that?

Breast-feeding. Hot.

Really?

Really.

When those things swell up to
three times their normal size...

so do I.

That's so sweet!

See kids? Told you I'd get it!

Okay, now we're even!

Yeah, that's the ending to
a whole other story.

We'll get there.

So you really thought I was gonna kill you?

Well... ish.

Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous.

If I wanted to kill you,
I'd invite you to my hunting lodge.

It's far more remote, and I wouldn't have

to worry about you turning up
in some nosy fisherman's net.

See? It's stuff like that.

Why-why do you talk that way?

Oh, I'm just jesting for sport.

See, sometimes I don't bond as well

with Zoey's younger friends.

But I know she really likes you.

I was hoping that maybe we could be buddies.

We can.

We can be buddies.

Just not on a boat.

Fair enough.

The hunting lodge it is.

Ho-ho-ho!

You know, once we stopped
trying to have a conversation

and just focused on the drinking...

I had fun.

Yeah, me, too.

And then a terrible thing happened.

Marshall's beer goggles kicked in

and his very drunk mind started to see...

No... No, no!

No! No,

don't turn!

Uh-oh.

I don't feel so good.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I am, I am so sorry!

Oh! You must think I'm totally disgusting.

I really do.

And from that moment on

Marshall never worried

about Robin becoming a mermaid again,

and the two of them were closer than ever.

There you go.

Hey, Ted.

Hey. You feeling better?

I have a confession to make.

I wasn't really sick.

You weren't?

I'm sorry.

I was just feeling guilty

that I lied to The Captain and...

I don't know, I just
thought it would be good

if you two spent some time together.

I get it.

And you were right.

He's a nice guy.

I mean, he can be a little scary.

Yeah, he gets a little
murder-y when he's nervous.

Yeah, he's a creepy dude.

But I like him.

And I just want to make sure

you and I hanging out

doesn't, you know, cross any lines.

Me, too.

I mean, if either one of us
had even the slightest hint

of feelings for the other,
we shouldn't hang out.

You don't, do you?

No. Do you?

No.

Still no sign of land.

It's been 243 days since we've seen

another living soul.

What are you looking at?

Dude, we need to find land.