How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 5, Episode 8 - The Playbook - full transcript

Kids, the secret to dating
is very simple:

be confident, be comfortable
in your skin,

be assured of who you are.

Barney was really good
at that last one,

even though a lot of the time
who he was was someone else.

Hi. Do you see that guy
over there in the scuba suit?

You thinking of going
and talking to him?

Good. He's seriously the biggest jerk
on the face of the earth.

- How do you know him?
- He's one of my best friends.

- So what's with the scuba suit?
- Well, it's a long story.

He just went through a breakup...

There's two basic philosophies of
how to handle yourself after a breakup.

Some people throw themselves into...

My career. That's my number one
focus right now.

From now on, no more dating.

Just work.

While others{\throw
themselves into}...

Every woman in New York City.

That's right, Barney Stinson
is back on the market.

Mothers, lock up your daughters.

Daughters, lock up your milswancas.

- Milswancas?
- Wait, I can get this.

Mothers I'd like to sleep with
and never call again.

Correct!
Circle gets the square.

Don't you think you're kinda
rushing back into this?

Lily, since I started dating
Robin, there's a certain

thing haven't used as much
as I would like to.

It's... Kinda big,

surprisingly heavy,

kind of leathery, and it's black.

This, my friends...

Is the Playbook.

Synchro: ShalimarFox, -Titou-

.:: La Fabrique ::.

The Playbook contains
every scam, con, hustle,

hoodwink, gambit, flimflam,

stratagem and bamboozle
I've ever used...

or ever hope to use...
To pick up chicks

and give them the business.

You wrote another book?

We got a... Stephen King over here.

It's all in here.

Everything from basic moves like
"the don't drink that."

Don't drink that.
I saw some guy slip something in there.

What? Who?

That guy.

Thank you.

To more advanced maneuvers
like "the Mrs. Stinsfire."

Now kappas, after our
disciplinary hearing

for lewd behavior last semester,

we have been assigned
a new housemom.

I'd like you to meet mrs. Stinsfire.

Hello, girls!

I can't picture a way
that wouldn't work.

What's "the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn"?

I'm glad you asked.

"the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn" will be

my grand return to the stage.

Or you know, the bed.

Actually, my bed
is kind of on a stage.

I put a platform
and got some lights.

It's a real production.
Barney exits!

How about you?
You getting back out there?

- Where is your Playbook?
- My Playbook?

Bro, two-volume set, right here.

- It's a great read actually.
- Yeah, I'm reading it right now.

I told you,
I'm taking a break from all that.

- Marshall, it's totally gonna happen.
- So gonna happen.

- What?
- You're gonna fall in love.

So soon.

Not likely.
I'm focusing on my career.

- I'm done with dating.
- Okay, we playing the pyramid?

"Things people say right before
they meet the love of their life."

Kelly Harris, girl I went
to law school with said...

Law school's so hard,
I just want to focus on my studies.

Six months later?

Married!

That's all w...

Travis Frenchroy, backup
bartender tells me...

I'm so over the whole dating game.

I just want to focus
on my Star Trek fan fiction.

Six months later...

Married!

May I respond?

That's all well and good for...

Matthew Blitz,
accountant at my office says...

I'm gonna die single and alone.

I might as well just focus
on this year's taxes.

Six months later?

City union and planning to get married
pending the passage of legislation

currently on the floor of the NY
sate senate.

Protest all you want,
but it's gonna happen.

- It's a law of nature.
- Lawyered. Of nature.

I'd love to have
no interest in a relationship.

There's no way I'd be single right now
if I wanted to be single.

- Okay, now you're ready.
- Ready for what?

Three years ago, this girl Shelly
started teaching at my school.

The moment I saw her, I was like,

"this is the girl for Ted."

Why am I just hearing about her now?

You know, I usually
hate being set up

but this Ted just sounds so great.

He is. He's so sweet and thoughtful
and intelligent.

Come on! One more chicken finger
and the crown is yours!

I don't see him anywhere.
He must be out doing charity work.

So, different bar?

That girl with Lily's pretty cute!

Yeah, she was cute.

Yeah, still is.
And now you're ready.

Bro, now you can fit like, three times
as many chicken fingers in your mouth.

- You know it.
- OK, I will set it up,

but promise me you won't
do anything stupid.

I promise I won't do
anything stupid.

And I kept that promise.

But only because...

She never showed up.

- I know. I'm sorry, I feel terrible.
- You should feel terrible!

- I do feel terrible! I do!
- You should!

- I do, I do!
- You should! You should!

I don't.

Look, I was really
looking forward to meeting Ted,

but I got to the bar an hour early

and I met this amazing guy.

Like, seriously amazing.

And you met him at Maclaren's?

- Yeah, right at the bar.
- What's his name?

I shouldn't say.

What the heck.
It's Lorenzo Von Matterhorn!

You son of a bitch.

So, he hooked up with Shelly?
You must've been pissed.

Damn straight.

Barney, I've had Shelly
set aside for Ted for three years.

Dude, Ted was not missing out.

She's brainy and annoying,

kind of boring in the sack.

I guess she would've
been perfect for Ted.

Had I known that
she was there to meet Ted,

of course I wouldn't have done it,
but...

Given the circumstances,
I think Ted'll be proud of me.

I pulled off
"the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn."

Okay, what's the
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn?

My question exactly.

- What's the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn?
- Glad you asked.

To perform the
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn,

here's what you'll need:
basic knowledge of web site design

and a very unique fake name.

So, think of your fake name
right now.

Have you got it? Good.

Now, select your target.

Preferably a girl
with a real nice...

Phone.

Yeah, it's me.

Do I know you?

I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

Are you, like, famous or something?

You really don't know
who I am, do you?

What a refreshing change of pace.

Nice to meet you...

Once again,
I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

Spelled like it sounds, two "t"s.

Ciao.

Then, as soon as you're gone,
she gets out her phone

and does an internet search
for Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

And that's when she discovers...

A series of fake web sites,

all devoted to the incredible life

of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

There's the fake business article
about him, the reclusive billionaire.

The fake explorers club
newsletter describing

his balloon trek to the north pole as
a feat of pure daring and imagination.

The fake medical journal featuring
the heartbreaking story of doctors

telling him penis reduction surgery
isn't an option.

And by the time you get back...

Hi, Shelly, I hate to be forward,

but can I buy you a cup of coffee?

Please.

What does coffee go
for these days, $50?

And it is on.

That's awful.

You realize you broke
her heart, right?

She's inconsolable.

Why would she be inconsolable?

Lorenzo's balloon won't disappear
over the arctic for another week.

She would be upset only if someone
told her it was a bunch of lies.

- It was all just a bunch of lies?
- It was all just a bunch of lies.

- The balloon expedition?
- Lies!

The man-made island shaped
like his face off the coast of Dubai?

- Lies!
- Finishing 3 in laser tag competion?

Li... actually, that one's true.
I went to that.

- You went to the Vatican?
- Lies!

Oh, my god!

Well, I hope
you're happy with yourself.

- What?
- You broke that girl's heart.

- Me?
- You!

She'll probably never
trust a guy again.

You ruined her for Ted.

Not to mention Julio Von Matterhorn,

Lorenzo's twin brother.

Can you believe that?
He blames me!

And by the way, Ted,
I bet she'd still go out with you.

Let me think. Do I want to go out with
a girl Barney hooked up with?

Guys, help me out with
the harmonies.

- Hell no...
- Hell no...

You must be a
little bothered by this.

It's his life.

If these girls are dumb
enough to fall for this crap,

- they have it coming.
- Agreed.

Have you seen
the one in there labeled "the SNASA"?

You're an astronaut?

I'm actually
in a top secret government space program

called secret NASA

or SNASA.

SNASA.

Do you go to the moon?

Well, not the moon you're familiar with,
though I have been to the...

smoon.

The smoon.

If you fall for that one,
my heart breaks for you,

but I'm sorry, you're a smoron.

So, what happens next?

Well...

Come on, Barney, you just...

You just got out
of an honest to God relationship.

You're a real boy now.

You can't go back
to these cheap tricks.

Cheap tricks?!

Not one of these is a cheap trick.

Except for "the Cheap Trick".

I'm the bass player for Cheap Trick.

And even that one involves
expensive hair extensions.

Now, if you don't mind,

I'm off to prepare
for tonight's main event.

I will be performing
"the he's not coming".

Glad you asked.

To perform "the he's not coming",
here's what you'll need,

the observation deck
of the Empire State Building.

Are you up there?

Good.

For generations, this has been
the spot New Yorkers have chosen

for their romantic reunions
with long-estranged lovers,

so all you have to do is walk up
to every girl you see and say...

He's not coming.

- What are you talking about?
- Never mind.

He's not coming.

He's not coming.

She's not coming?

Sorry.

Until sooner or later...

He's not coming.

He's not?

But we agreed.

We always said we'd meet here.

On this night.

I'm such a fool.

I'm going to go get the paper.

- More like, go get a husband.
- Totally.

You guys need to stop that,
seriously.

The last thing I am looking
for right now is a relationship.

When you pick up newspaper, be sure
to check the wedding announcements.

For yours.

Robin, it's like this.

Do you have any idea
how many times I've gone to the freezer

looking for frozen waffles
and not found them?

- Thousands?
- Millions.

But when I go to the freezer
looking for a popsicle...

Or the remote control
because we are having a fight

and she's hidden it there...
You know what I find?

Frozen waffles.
That's how it works.

You go out there looking for a paper,
you're coming back with frozen waffles.

And, in this case,
frozen waffles is a guy.

Also,

could you pick up
some frozen waffles?

In that case, frozen waffles...

are frozen waffles.

Guys, code red!
Emergency.

Lockdown.
Nobody's leaving.

- What happened?
- I tried the "he's not coming",

and it worked.
Gangbusters.

You should have seen this girl.

I'm leaving.

We get up to my place, and I go
into my room to set up the camera...

To light the candles...

And when I come out,

she's gone, and so is the playbook!

I think we all know
who is responsible for this.

We do.

Al-Qaeda.

You idiot.

It was me.

You son of a bitch.

You stole the playbook?

So,
the girl on the Empire State Building?

A friend of mine, an actress.

An actress.

Of course.

That explains her impeccable diction
and her sluttiness.

Barney, I've got half a mind
to take that playbook

and put it up on the internet
for the whole world to see.

- You wouldn't.
- I won't,

as long as you agree
to no more scams,

no more cons, no more hustles,
no more hoodwinks,

no more gambits, no more stratagems
and no more bamboozles.

- I notice you left out flimflams.
- No flimflams!

Damn it.

My God.

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but look at this.

I got left at the altar.

My god, that's horrible.

I wonder if that would work.

That's not even
the worst one in here.

Have you guys seen
"my penis grants wishes"?

Really?

- A genie comes out of it?
- Only if you rub it hard enough.

- So, then, what happened?
- It says here he breaks into song,

and then the furniture comes to life
and dances with him.

It's not very well thought out.
It's no "Mrs. Stinsfire".

What happened in real life?

Well, a few hours later...

I heard it was gonna rain.

If anyone's interested,
I will be at MacLaren's pub

performing a play out of the Playbook
entitled "The Scuba Diver".

That is all.

That's it.

I'm putting the Playbook up
on the internet.

Can you put the Playbook
up on the internet?

Of course, baby,
but here's the weird thing.

I have literally been through this book
cover to cover.

There is no play
called "The Scuba Diver".

So, now you guys want to know
what "The Scuba Diver" is.

Well,

it was on the last page
of the Playbook,

but I ripped it out just in case.

Don't worry.
You're about to see it in action.

See this blond?

Tizzarget acquizzired.

- Barney, don't do this.
- Give it a rest, pest.

If anyone should be mad,
should be Robin.

- She loves the Playbook.
- I don't love the Playbook.

What are you talk...

The Playbook, it's gold.
You gotta admit it's spectacular.

Look, Barney, we just broke up.

I mean, the costumes are cute but...

We just broke up.

I didn't know you felt that way.

I guess I've been so wrapped up
in my own stuff that I...

Crap, she's looking over here.
Quick, everyone, scatter.

That's it.

You see that guy over there
in the scuba suit?

And that brings us to right now.

But... Wait.

So, why is he wearing scuba gear?

We don't know.

And it's killing us, Claire.
It's killing us!

Let's go ask him.

So, what's "The Scuba Diver"?

And this is Claire, by the way.

I'm Lieutenant Frank Lyman.

I train bomb sniffing dolphins
for the balt...

You know what?

I can't do this.

I am so sorry.

This breakup's been tougher on me
than I thought.

This Playbook was just a way
to take my mind off of things.

It's okay.
It's been tough on me, too.

I mean, look at me.
I've sworn off relationships.

- She getting married.
- Gotta work on my toast.

Gotta make sure my tux fits.

I will bang your heads together
like coconuts.

I'm so glad you're stopping this.

And, frankly,

the real Barney is way cooler

than any of the fake Barneys
in this Playbook.

Is that right?

Claire, you've probably heard a lot
about the real Barney tonight.

- Want to grab a cup of coffee?
- Claire, before you turn him down,

I think you should know

that under this neoprene suit

with what appears to be a tube sock
stuffed in the crotch...

- Can of Pringles, but go on.
- ... is an amazing guy.

He's fun and one of my best friends.

And he landed this hottie.

He's a good guy.

- Come on, go out with him.
- It's just a cup of coffee, right?

All right. Let's get some coffee.

And by the end of the night...

I'm proud of him.

To be that vulnerable
takes a lot of Pringles.

I got a text from Barney.

"Look under the table."

It's a page from the Playbook.

What does it say?

It's "The Scuba Diver".

One: tell a meddlesome female friend
about the Playbook.

Two: run a play on one of her coworkers,
making her so angry she steals it.

Three:

put on the scuba suit and tell her
you gonna do "The Scuba Diver"

on the hot girl standing by the bar.
Your friend, let's call her Lily...

talks to the girl
and tells her everything about the book.

Here's where it gets tricky.
When they ask what "The Scuba Diver" is,

take off your mask, give them spiel
about your deep-seated insecurities

which don't exist,
because you're awesome.

Then, Lily talks you up to the girl
who agrees to go get coffee with you.

And it...

is...

on.

You son of a bitch.

I'll give you a call.

All right. Bye-bye.

For those of you keeping score,
"The Ted Mosby" works.

Here we go.
You say you don't want a relationship.

The love of your life
is about to walk through the door

and it's...

that guy.

- I'm not falling in love with that guy.
- Right, because it's going to be...

That guy.

I don't know. The blue blazer's
just not doing it for me...

You're right, It's that guy!

You should give her a chance.

Make out with her a little,
see if there's something there.

- I'm going to work.
- Yeah, you are.

I'm actually gonna work.

- Go, work it.
- And the ironic part was...

Robin?

- Don, your new cohost.
- That was the day she met Don.

Damn it, Marshall.