How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 5, Episode 24 - Doppelgangers - full transcript

OLDER TED: Kids, up to this point
in the story, we had found doppelgangers,

eerie but awesome look-alikes, for four of
the five members of our little group.

There was Lesbian Robin...

(SPITTING)

Mustache Marshall,

Stripper Lily...

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

And Mexican Wrestler Me.
Yes, mine was the coolest.

And so, we were all eager to find
the fifth doppelganger, Barney's.

Turned out it was more important
to some of us than others.

We agree there's no sense in having a baby

until we've seen
all five doppelgangers, right?

Of course. Stands to reason.

Okay, so, when we finally
see Barney's doppelganger,

that's the universe telling us it's go time,

and that's when we'll start trying. Deal?

Deal.

OLDER TED: And then one day,
a few weeks later...

Baby, were you serious about
the whole fifth doppelganger thing?

I mean, having a baby is a pretty big thing
to leave up to the universe.

Yeah, I know it's crazy. It's just so much
easier to let the universe decide.

- Why do you ask?
- Boom! Universed!

Oh, my God! Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

That could easily be Barney
pulling some scam to meet chicks.

I'm one step ahead of you.

Go for Barney.

Barney, hey, it's Marshall.
So, you are at work?

You're not, I don't know, driving a cab,
wearing a wig?

Yes, I'm at work.

That's the sound of my stapler.
That's the sound of my three-hole punch.

And this is the sound of me filing

my corporate guidelines
on sexual harassment.

What is up? Gotta go, Big Chief.

Barney's at work.

That was the fifth doppelganger.

(SIGHING)

Marshall Eriksen, put a baby in my belly.

I can't wait to tell the gang. This is one of
those moments you dream about.

"Guys, Lily and I

"are having unprotected sex."
Ooh, I just got the chills.

- We're not gonna say anything.
- What? Why?

Marshall, if we tell them,
we're basically inviting them

into the most private,
intimate moment of our lives.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

- You guys banging?
- (BOTH SCREAMING)

Keep going. I'm not even here.

But just for the record,
having a baby, huge mistake.

Now show me what you got.

- Uncle Teddy's here!
- (BOTH SCREAMING)

Quick question. How are you guys
gonna handle the whole Santa thing?

I'm thinking, just be honest.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, hell. I'll dress up.

- "This just in"
- (BOTH SCREAMING)

Is what Marshall Eriksen is about to say
to his wife

as he attempts to impregnate her.

Chopper 12 is live on the scene
with Baby Watch: 2010.

(CHOPPER BLADES WHIRRING)

Okay, fine.
I won't tell anybody about the baby thing.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Guys, we saw the fifth doppelganger!

- (GASPING) Amazing!
- Whoa! That is awesome!

Ooh! Freaky. A brunette Barney.

I know. Say what you will about the guy,
but Barney seems right as a blond.

Well, that's true.
Not every dude can pull off that blond look.

- I don't know about that.
- What?

That summer I was lifeguarding
at the Chagrin Falls Country Club,

I was lathering a little lemon juice
into the old mop,

playing with some natural highlights.

Let's just say
there were a few senior citizens

who pretended to drown on my watch.

And sadly, one who did.

Anyway, I'd look good blond.

MARSHALL: Okay, people,
we're in a delicate

but very, very promising situation here.

LILY: If we play the next 30 seconds right,
Ted will dye his hair blond.

ROBIN: Guys, this is mean. We can't...
Whoa! Just pictured it. How do we do this?

TED: What are we all thinking about?
Nachos?

MARSHALL: Ted Mosby responds
to one thing above all else.

TED: I don't know.
I'm still kind of full from lunch.

MARSHALL: A bunch of people
emphatically telling him

not to do something. Follow my lead.

TED: Screw it. I could eat.

Yes, we'd all like some nachos.

I love you, buddy, but there is absolutely
no way that you could pull off blond.

Yeah, it just wouldn't look right.

Yeah. Seriously, Ted, don't go blond.

I'm going blond.

- No.
- No way.

That is not the outcome
we were hoping for.

OLDER TED: Now, kids, Robin and Don
were becoming such a great team,

both off and on the air,

that Local Channel 12 started asking
them to guest-host

some of their other top-notch programs.

(SINGING) Monty and Moo-Moo
are laughing and learning with you

- Moo-Moo
- Moo-Moo

Moo!

So, that's why Monty and I vowed never
to do drugs, because drugs are bad.

Right, Monty?

Well, sure. Man-made, chemical stuff.

But things that grow in nature,
they're okay to try, like, once or twice.

Not looking for gray areas here, Monty.

I don't think it's right to lie
to the kids, Moo-Moo.

So, what are you saying?

I've experimented with drugs.

(GASPING)

OLDER TED: Fun fact, highest rated
Monty and Moo-Moo episode ever.

ROBIN: Mmm.

Mmm. What was that for?

Before I met you,
I'd given up on everything,

relationships, career, pants.

But you made me wanna try again.
I love you for that.

Oh.

Ooh! Oh, I see. Mmm.

(DON CHUCKLING)

Hi. Hey. Hi.

Sorry, you don't know me,
but I just wanted to say thank you.

You're actually
a very important person in my life.

Important? More like legendary.
Marshall, it's me, Barney.

OLDER TED: Oddly enough,
this would rank as only

the second biggest surprise of the day.

Wow, this is just very sudden.

Sure, I can get you an answer
by tomorrow. Okay. Thanks.

(SIGHS)

Ted, something big has just happened and
you're the most sensible person I know.

I need to talk to you right now.

- You know what, it can wait.
- No, go ahead. I'm listening.

Okay, well,
the executive producer from WNKW

happened to see our show
the other morning and loved me.

(SIGHS) They offered me the lead anchor
job starting next week.

- Wow! That's great!
- It is great. But here's the catch.

WNKW is in...

(DRYER WHIRRING)

Helen, kill the dryer!

(WHIRRING STOPS)

Is in Chicago.

But you were the fifth doppelganger.
How can you be you?

I called you, Barney.
We had a whole conversation.

Ah! Yes. I know what happened.

See, people at work have
this very strange expectation

that I, well, work. (SCOFFS) I know. I know.

BARNEY: So to make my colleagues think
I'm busting my hump

when I'm really out humping busty chicks,
I decided to record a special message.

(BARNEY ON VOICEMAIL)
What is up? Gotta go, Big Chief.

How can it be a recording?

You called me "Big Chief,"
my special workplace nickname.

Oh, buddy.

Hey, hey, come on, Big Chief.

Don't. Just don't.

Why does this have to happen now?

I mean, just when things are going
so great with Don.

(SIGHING) It's the never-ending battle
of my life. Career versus romance.

(LAUGHS) "Never-ending battle"?
Career's been trouncing romance for years.

It's like the Globetrotters versus
the Generals.

Career's sinking hook shots
from half court.

Romance is just
a bunch of slow, white guys

who couldn't make it in the Italian league.

Ted, I'm lost. What should I do?

Okay, you seriously need to talk
to Don about this.

I'm just too confused to put this on Don.

I need to leave him out of it
until I figure out what I want.

- That makes sense.
- Yeah.

And I'm sorry I can't give you better advice
on this. The truth is,

it's impossible for me to be objective
about you moving away.

Mmm.

Did you get a manicure?

- No, I didn't get a...
- He sure did.

Flo!

- Why are you brunette and driving a cab?
- Oh! That.

You know how it's my dream to have sex
with at least one woman

- from every country on the planet?
- Sure.

Wow. You're doing surprisingly well
in the Baltics.

Mmm-hmm.

So I figured, what's the quickest way to
get around the world in 180 lays?

Lease a cab and wait outside
the UN building for hot foreign chicks.

BARNEY: It was the perfect plan.

There was only one small detail
I didn't take into account.

- Chicks don't want to bang cab drivers?
- Chicks do not want to bang cab drivers.

- And I put a lot of work into this one.
- I can't believe this.

Now I gotta tell Lily
the fifth doppelganger is a fake.

So, what does she care?

Lily decided that once
we spotted your doppelganger,

- we'd start trying to have kids.
- Kids! No! Uh-uh!

The rule is, no kids until you're at least 45.
Do you ever read my blog?

It's gotten a lot better.

I'm ready to be a dad, you know?

But Lily needs some sign
from the universe.

And now it could be years.

I'm sorry, buddy.

That'll be 37.50.

OLDER TED: So, that night, Marshall went
home to break the bad news to Lily.

The universe has spoken.
Marshall Eriksen, let's make a baby.

I...

Okay.

- Hey.
- Hey.

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

You... Hang on, hang on, hang on.

I heard you were doing this,
so I wrote down some stuff.

"Hey, I'm planning a white wedding.

"Tell me, Billy Idol,
is it a nice day for that?"

Some other Billy Idol ones.

"If anyone's looking for
the real Slim Shady, he's right here."

That one's only okay.
Robin, why aren't you getting in on this?

Okay, first of all,
I'm getting tons of compliments.

Second of all, tell him.

- He's not getting tons of compliments.
- No, the other thing.

ROBIN: Oh.

I might move to Chicago next week.

- Hey, baby.
- Mmm-hmm?

Not for nothing or nothing,
but we'd still be doing this

even if we hadn't seen
Doppelganger Barney, right?

Oh, but we did see him, which means
the universe, in all its infinite wisdom,

is telling you to stick me
and stick me real good.

I can't.
I can't, in good conscience, stick you.

(LILY SIGHING)

- I know what's bothering you.
- Really?

The cabbie just didn't look enough
like Barney.

Well, that's just not true.

No! Time out. This is a group decision.

You can't just move to Chicago,
unless we all say it's okay.

Barney, I think this has to be Robin's...

Stay out of this, Brigitte Nielsen
or Dolph Lundgren from Rocky IV.

We need Marshall and Lily.

That cabbie was, like,
a foot shorter than Barney.

He was the exact same size.

And you know what? I think he was Asian.

Yeah, that guy was like
a tiny, graying Asian man,

with a soul patch and a potbelly.

Have you completely forgotten
what Barney looks like?

- You guys banging?
- (BOTH SCREAMING)

Why are you in our bedroom?

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Why are you in our bedroom?

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Why is Ellen DeGeneres in our bedroom?

- (ROBIN AND BARNEY GIGGLE)
- Hey! This is working.

Wait a minute. Candles, flowers.

Oh! I guess Marshall "forgot" to tell you.
The fifth doppelganger was me.

What, wait, and you knew about this?
You lied to me?

By omission. And it's only because

this whole "leave it to the universe"
thing of yours is insane, Lily.

- Baby, you knew I needed to decide if we...
- Lily, we need to be

in control of our own destinies.

Guys! Guys! We're forgetting
what's really important here.

Ted's blond.

(ALL GIGGLE)

Guys, I am pulling this off.

Now, Robin has something important
to tell you.

- He's not pulling it off.
- No, the other thing.

- He got a manicure.
- The other thing.

I got a job offer in Chicago.

Whoa!

That's why we all came down here,

to try and talk Robin out of
making a huge...

Actually, I've already made a decision.

(SIGHS) Guys, I gotta take it.

I can't believe we're losing Robin.

LILY: Guys, this might be
the depression talking,

but is Ted's hair starting to look
kind of good?

MARSHALL: Thank God.
I thought I was the only one.

BARNEY: He looks like
a freaking movie star.

And by the way, this was a huge mistake.

- I'm changing my hair back.
- Smart. Very smart.

- Told you.
- Not at all awesome.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, I just got off the phone with Chicago.

Yes, I have made a decision. Um...

I appreciate the offer,
but I can't take the job. Thanks.

- I'm staying.
- Damn straight!

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey, Lily. Tell me something.

You saw actual Barney driving that cab,

and you thought it was
a petite, potbellied Asian man.

I know. Weird, right?

It's not weird.

It means you're not ready.
And I'm sorry that I tried to rush things.

Our baby can wait for
the real Doppelganger Barney.

(SIGHS) Oh.

(IN PUPPET VOICE) Hey, Moo-Moo.

Monty made you thin crust pizza,
just the way you like it.

ROBIN: Mmm.

You okay?

Robin, you're not gonna believe this.

I got offered the lead anchor job
at WNKW in Chicago.

Oh!

Um...

What'd you say?

I said yes.

I've been waiting years for a shot like this.
I was hoping you'd understand.

Barney?

(IN ESTONIAN ACCENT)
I am simple street performer from Estonia.

Who is this Barney?

Oh, he's just this guy we know
who has, like, a really lame blog.

I hear it's getting better.
I mean, what is "blog"?

It's just something that was cool,
like, eight years ago.

Still cool. Still sounds pretty cool, man.

- What's your name?
- Kristof.

Kristof what?

Kristof Doppelganger.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You're gonna go with the last name
"Doppelganger"?

- That's my name, man.
- Bro.

Robin, wait. Please try to understand.

Look, I gotta get out of here.

Put yourself in my shoes.

I mean, can you imagine what it's like
to have the phone ring

and it's your dream job on the other end?

Yes. I can.

Good luck in Chicago, Don.

Barney, why are you doing this?

Wait a minute.

Could it be that Barney Stinson
actually wants us to have kids?

Who is this Barney?
Take American chill pill.

Well, let me tell you about him.

He talks a big game about

how no one should ever have kids
before they're at least 45.

I would be interested in reading
some of these opinions in blog form.

But I think I know what happened.

Yesterday, Barney thought he had to say
goodbye to someone he truly loves.

And it got him thinking.

Maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing
if a baby joined our little group.

- Babies can be cute.
- Mmm.

And someday, he's gonna make
the best uncle in the world.

Because this Barney, he's family to us.

Excuse me.

I heard you're from Estonia. So am I.

Excuse me one moment.

Estonia would close out the Baltics!

And I am street performer, like you.

(BARNEY GASPING)

Hey.

- (CRYING) Say yes to this.
- Okay.

Can I move back in?

Yes.

But, Ted, am I just the biggest idiot
in the world?

Look, think about all of us
five years ago, when we first met you.

TED: Marshall and Lily were just
boyfriend and girlfriend.

Now they're married
and thinking about kids.

And Barney? Barney was never
gonna commit to anyone, ever.

And last year, he fell in love.

And me, I was chasing
some girl I was convinced was the one.

Now she's one of my closest friends.

And you? Five years ago, you never
would've chosen love over your career.

But today, you did.

- Looks like I'm getting dumber.
- No, just more courageous.

Look, we've all been searching for
the five doppelgangers, right?

Mmm-hmm.

But eventually, over time,
we all become our own doppelgangers.

You know, these completely different
people who just happen to look like us.

Five Years Ago Robin?
That girl, she was pretty great.

But Doppelganger Robin? She's amazing.

We've, um...

- We've had a lot to drink.
- I don't care.

(ROBIN LAUGHING)

What?

Oh!

- I forgot. I'm blond. I have blond hair.
- You're blond.

OLDER TED: And that's the story

of how dyeing my hair blond
kept us from doing something

we both would have regretted that night.

Kids, the universe is funny.

Oh, my God.

- Yes! You're here!
- I don't understand...

This is fantastic!

Baby, simmer. Your husband's right here.
At least attempt to hide it.

Guys, follow me.

Guys, look! The fifth doppelganger!

- Uh, Lily?
- That dude looks...

MARSHALL: Guys, go with it.

OLDER TED: Kids, you can ask the universe
for signs all you want.

- It's uncanny.
- Right?

- Looks just like Barney.
- Amazing.

It's like looking in the mirror.

OLDER TED: But ultimately,
we only see what we wanna see,

when we're ready to see it.

So, does this mean...

Marshall Eriksen, put a baby in my belly.

(LIFESIZEPLAYING)

All for love we become

Larger than lifesize, wondersome

Great in the eyes of someone

ENGLISH - US - SDH