How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 5, Episode 23 - The Wedding Bride - full transcript

OLDER TED: Kids, when you're in your 20s,
dating is great.

But by the time you reach your 30s,

you find out pretty fast
everyone has baggage.

Sure you can stick to the small talk,
and pretend it's not there,

but sooner or later...

- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Oh!

It's my ex.
Sorry, we're trying to remain friends.

Hi, pumpkin.
Did you get our tickets to Maui?

OLDER TED: Yeah, it's there.

That spring, I had just started dating
a girl named Royce.

She was smart, beautiful...

Blah, blah, blah,
we're very happy together.

- But...
- Exactly. That's the problem.

Her butt?

- What is it, too much?
- Too little?

Or is it an issue of access?

(LAUGHS)

No. The but is,
there's always gonna be a but.

No matter how great things are going,
sooner or later, it's gonna get ruined.

When she turns 30.

When I find out what her baggage is.

It's there. I don't know what it is,
but when I do, party's over.

Whoa! Ted, please tell me you are
not impugning emotional baggage.

Baggage is a good thing?

Emotional baggage is the bedrock of
America's most important cultural export.

- ALL: Porn.
- Porn.

Actually, it's porn.

Only women with major baggage
go into porn.

- Major baggage.
- Major baggage.

Ted, everyone has baggage,
you just gotta look past it.

Really? 'Cause the last time
I looked past a girl's baggage,

that baggage belonged
to a girl named Stella, and...

Oh, I'm drawing a blank here.
How did that work out again?

OLDER TED: Here's how it worked out.

I asked her to marry me,
she said yes. We were happy.

But then the day of the wedding,
her karate instructor ex-boyfriend,

Tony Grafanello, showed up,
declared his love for her,

and Stella ran off with him to California,

leaving me utterly
and completely heartbroken.

Ted, look, what happened
with Stella was awful.

But that doesn't mean anyone
with baggage is undateable.

Well, I'm just glad that we met young
enough that I don't have any baggage.

- Mother issues.
- I do not.

- Grandmother issues.
- Definitely do not.

- Great-grandmother issues.
- I just don't like it when she picks me up.

And you know what
your biggest baggage is? You're too nice.

How is being nice baggage?

Have you ever seen
you walk down the street?

I don't even know how to answer that.

Well, let me help you out.

Michael. Javier. Marcello.

Suzanne.
Hey, Deng. Let me help you with that.

That ought to do it.

Oh, guys, no. I could not today.
It would just be...

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

That's normal.

There is only one street
where that is normal.

Here's a hint,
a giant yellow bird lives on it.

Well, I'll be pretty happy if Royce's
only baggage is that she's too nice.

Too nice?
That is the worst kind of baggage.

Best baggage, hates her dad,

and thinks she's fat but isn't.

Angry sex on the first date,

and then as soon as you
mention breakfast, she's gone.

Why do you guys hang out with me?

OLDER TED: That night,
on my date with Royce,

I kept waiting to see
what her baggage would be.

So is spaghetti your specialty?

No. The main event is my pancakes.

I'll make them for you sometime.
They are insane.

My dad used to make
multi-grain pancakes.

He's the one who got me working in porn.

You know PORN,
Parents Offering Recreation and Nutrition.

It's a charity for inner-city teens who don't
have access to sports or healthy food.

(EXHALES IN RELIEF)

That reminds me, I killed my brother

with this joke I told him last night.

A barber, a stripper and a Jew...

...lliard-trained violinist,
walked into a bar.

OLDER TED: I looked and looked
and looked,

but it really appeared as though
there was no baggage to worry about.

Until we went to go see a movie.

Oh, no.

Hey, what took you guys so long?

Nothing. Forget about it.

We were on our way here,

and Marshall wanted to stop and help
some guys load their moving van.

To be nice. Didn't cost nothing.

And when the moving van drove away,
who should show up

but the owner of the apartment
we had just helped some guys rob.

And that one was hard to explain
to the police.

See, Marshall, this is what I mean.

You can't treat New York City like it's
the small, friendly, crime-free, inbred,

backwoods, Podunk, cow-tipping
Minnesota hickville where you grew up.

Crime-free? Crime-free?

In 1994, the cashier from the feed store
was held up at hoe-point.

And besides, I like being friendly, okay?
I'm not gonna change that about myself.

No, don't change, baby. I think it's sweet.

Sweet, sweet, sweet mother of God.
He's an idiot sometimes.

He actually lent the burglars gas money.

He gave them money?

Not gave, lent.
They said that they would send us a check,

so Marshall gave them our address.

What's to stop them from coming
to our apartment one night,

and maybe tying me up?

I mean, sure, Marshall and I like to
pretend, but the reality is scary.

Why don't you say something to him?

(GROANS) What's the point?
He's from Minnesota.

His high school mascot was a hug.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, how'd the date with Royce go?

It was interesting. We went to see
that new movie, The Wedding Bride.

Oh! How was it?

Not that I care. I mean, it's a chick flick.

This one will probably drag me to it,
like the 7:10 show tomorrow night,

or 9:40 because I have that meeting,
but I can probably get out of it,

so let's try for the 7:10.

- ROBIN: What's that movie about, anyway?
- That's the interesting part.

Hey, bonehead! I'm Jed Mosley.

I'm the most powerful
and corrupt architect in New York.

I... (SCREAMING)
That's gonna leave a mark!

It's about me.

- The Wedding Bride is about you?
- Yeah.

Okay, are you sure it's about you?
Because when I saw Spaceballs

- for the first time, I could've sworn...
- This movie is about me, Marshall.

- It was written by Tony Grafanello.
- Tony Grafanello? That's...

Yeah, the guy that Stella left me for.

This movie is the whole
story of our breakup.

(LAUGHS) Why would
he write a movie about that?

Isn't he the bad guy in that story?

Yeah, and the good guy is
a guy named Ted Mosby.

Funny, that was my memory of it, too.

But, according to the movie...

SECRETARY ON INTERCOM:
Mr. Mosley, your fianc?e is here.

Great. The old ball and chain.

I can't wait to make her move out
of her beautiful house in New Jersey

and come live with me in an apartment
above a bar. Send her in.

Ah, Stella. To what do I owe the pleasure?

We're supposed to taste wedding cakes
this afternoon, remember?

Ouch!

No-can-do's-ville, babydoll.

Whoa!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(SIGHING)

AUDIENCE: Aw!

- Well, I am stunned.
- Right.

That's what passes for comedy
these days?

Whoa! "I'm falling back in my chair."

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

Whoa.

- I'm really falling back in my chair.
- LILY: Baby.

MARSHALL: Okay, that was pretty funny.

What a jerk. Did he at least get
someone hot to play me?

- You're not in it.
- (SIGHING) What a jerk.

No, no, no, no, no. Tony's not a jerk,
not according to the movie, anyway.

I'm going through with this wedding.
I'm sorry, Tony.

Stella, your happiness is
the only thing I care about,

except for these underprivileged children
that I work with for free.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

I love him.

It's not that easy, Tony.

Jed Mosley may not be as handsome
as you are, or as tall as you are...

I'm taller than that guy.

... and our sex life is terrible.

Once he even fell asleep
while we were doing it. I mean...

It was one time. I was on cold medicine.

- What?
- Nothing.

This is a terrible movie!
And it got everything wrong.

Remember how I proposed to Stella?

TED: That spontaneous moment
in the arcade.

I didn't have a ring, so I gave her a toy
I won from a crane machine?

- Oh, that was so sweet.
- So romantic.

A little cheesy.

Well, here's how it went in the movie.

Look, if it'll shut you up,
I guess we can get married.

Well, aren't you gonna give me a ring?

No-can-do's-ville, babydoll.

- Here. Put this on your finger.
- Hey!

And remember the two-minute date?

TED: When I squeezed
an entire romantic evening

into just two minutes
to accommodate Stella 's busy schedule?

- Oh, Ted, you're such a good guy.
- That was really nice.

Also, a little cheesy.

Well, according to the movie...

What about our big romantic weekend?

No-can-do's-ville, babydoll.

Alls I got time for is a two-minute date,
if you know what I mean.

Sex.

Whoa!

(THUDDING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SIGHING)

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Hey, if you know what you're doing,
two minutes is all you need.

Run tell dat.

But the worst, the worst, was the ending.
So they're at the wedding...

Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley to be
your lawfully-wedded husband?

- I...
- Whoa! Spoilers!

Is what I would say if I ever
plan on seeing such an awful film.

Continue.

So they're at the wedding.

- I...
- Stella!

- Tony!
- Tony?

Something I need to say.

A long time ago, I let this beautiful girl
named Stella get away.

And now she's with some jerk

who doesn't appreciate what he has
in this beautiful, wedding bride.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

What is wrong with you people?

You can't talk to me like that.
I'm Ted Mosley!

Did he say Ted that time?

(SHUSHING)

Stella, I promised to make you my wife.
And I'd like to live up to that promise.

Oh, Tony, all I've wanted
all my life was your love.

Oh, go on, honey. Kiss him.

- ALL: Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him...
- Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him...

Stella, if you still truly love me,

can you let me make you
my wedding bride?

Can-do's-ville, babydoll.

No! No! No! Stop doing that!

Daddy!

(GROANS)

Take that, Ted Mosby.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Okay, he definitely said it that time.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(SIGHING)

Oh, my God. That was so good!
I'm laughing. I'm crying.

I know it's all fake, but didn't
those seem like real characters?

It was just so real.

Hey, how come you said "oh, no"
when the movie started?

OLDER TED: That's when I realized
everyone has baggage, including me.

Oh, uh, no reason.

Ted, I think you need to tell Royce

the story of what happened
with you and Stella.

It's gonna come out eventually.

Why? Why does it even have to?

Well, for starters, it's now the fifth
highest-grossing movie of all time.

I don't care. I don't care.
I'm taking this to the grave.

It's a stupid movie, anyway.

Sounds terrible.

My gosh, I would
never go and see that film.

(ALL CHATTERING)

OLDER TED: Kids,
you know where this is going.

Well, she's made her choice.

Don't worry. I won't go to the wedding.

Oh, you'll go all right.

I'm gonna drive you there myself
and make you watch.

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

Billy, no! The code.

This is exactly how it happened.
He got every part right.

Even that thing with the nunchucks.

OLDER TED: So I was resolved
to put The Wedding Bride

as far behind me as possible.

Unfortunately...

Oh! How great was The Wedding Bride?

(BOTH EX CLAIMING)

- Loved it! Loved it! Loved it! Loved it!
- We're going to see it again tomorrow.

Ooh! Can we come?
Ted, you wanna see it again, right?

Yeah. It was good.

"Good"? Try instant classic.
The only thing wrong with it,

and I mean, it's such a minor flaw
in an otherwise flawless film,

is I just didn't get why Stella would even
wanna marry a guy like Jed Mosley

in the first place.
I mean, even that guy's name, Jed Mosley.

Come on, Royce. You've dated
a few Jed Mosleys in your day.

Well, okay. But who hasn't?

He's such a type. The butterfly tattoo,
the way he pronounces encyclopedia.

- Encyclopaedia.
- Encyclopaedia.

Totally. Totally. All right, well,
technically, that is the correct...

I was so, so happy when that loser
got left at the altar, and you know why?

- Because he had it coming.
- Mmm-hmm.

And the great part is he is gonna live

a long, sad life, knowing that he lost
his only chance at happiness.

Oh! What about when he got beat up
by the goat?

- (ALL LAUGHING)
- So funny. What a loser.

Totally! I mean, the guy's life was
shattered in a very public humiliation.

What a hoot!

And it may be years before he can look
certain family members in the eye again.

He may be so emotionally traumatized

he never fully loves
or trusts anyone ever again.

That's hysterical. Move over, Adolf Hitler.
There's a new king of comedy.

Ted, are you okay?

Yeah. I just think you all might be
interested to learn something about

that movie y'all love so much.

It sucks. And you're all stupid for liking it.

Wow. That was really mean.
I think you owe us an apology.

No-can-do's-ville, babydoll.

No-can-do's-ville.

You said, "No-can-do's-ville, babydoll"?

You actually used
Jed Mosley's catchphrase?

I know. I was just so upset that...

How do you know that's his catchphrase?

- You said it was his catchphrase.
- They dragged me to it. I didn't wanna go.

- I wanted to see A vatar again.
- TED: All right, that's it.

I'm just gonna move to some country
where no one's seen The Wedding Bride.

Good luck, Ted.
That movie is worldwide. It's huge.

- Maybe North Korea.
- Nope.

I read that Kim Jong II said it was
his second favorite movie of all time.

Right behind a movie of him riding a horse
in slow motion through a field of turnips.

Sorry, Ted. You're screwed.

No. You know what?
No, Ted is not screwed.

All right, do you guys wanna know
why I'm nice to everyone?

It's because I don't care about baggage.

I mean, most people, they see
another person walking down the street

with that big heavy bag they're carrying,
and they just walk on by.

But not me. I look at them, and I say...

I say, " Howdy, stranger.
Can I give you a hand with that?"

And you know who taught me to be
that way? A guy called Ted Mosby.

A guy who's uncynical and sincere
and believed in things.

And you know what, Ted? I believe
that deep down, you're still that guy.

I am still that guy.

I think you wanna go out there
and get that girl.

I do wanna go out there and get that girl.

- Because she's the love of your life!
- Because she's...

Well, okay, let's... We're three dates in.
She seems nice.

- Because she seems nice!
- She does seem nice!

You're right, Marshall. I gotta go get her.

And I know exactly where she is.

The wedding's in 15 minutes.
I'll never make it.

You can do it, sensei. Go give love
a roundhouse kick right in the heart.

You're right. What am I doing?

There's still time.

MINISTER: Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley
to be your lawfully-wedded husband?

STELLA: I...

(CLEARING THROAT)

- Royce?
- Stella?

- Ted?
- Tony!

- Tony?
- Ted?

Barney?

(SLURPING)

Something I need to say.

Look, there's something I need to say.

- A long time ago...
- A long time ago,

- I let a horrible girl named Stella...
...I let this beautiful girl named Stella...

...break my heart.
...get away.

- And now she's with some jerk...
- And now she's with this jerk

- who wrote a movie about it and...
...who doesn't appreciate what he has

- in this beautiful, wedding bride.
...that movie is called The Wedding Bride.

- What are you saying?
- JED: You can't talk to me like that.

- I'm Jed Mosley!
- I'm Jed Mosley. But, Royce...

TONY: This girl
in the white wedding dress...

...this doofus in the red cowboy boots,

- this isn't me.
- TONY: This isn't you.

So, just to be clear,

are you saying that you don't have a pair
of red cowboy boots in your closet?

Barney, what...

Well, I just wanted... I mean, that's...
Everyone wants to know.

They're actually more of a burgundy.

- Royce...
- Stella,

- I promised to make you my wife.
...I promised to make you some pancakes.

- And I'd like to live up to that promise.
- And I'd like to live up to that promise.

- STELLA: Tony, all I've wanted all my life...
- Ted, all I've wanted all week...

- STELLA: Was your love.
Was some pancakes.

- MINISTER: Go on, honey. Kiss him.
- Go on, honey. Kiss him.

- GUESTS: Kiss him, kiss him...
- Kiss him, kiss him...

OLDER TED: Um, Uncle Barney
didn't say "kiss."

Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!

OLDER TED: Still not saying "kiss."

Sir, you need to leave, now!

This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you?

- Stella, if you still truly love me...
- Royce, if you still kind of like me...

... can you let me make you
my wedding bride?

...can you let me make you
some pancakes?

- Can-do's-ville, babydoll.
- STELLA: Can-do's-ville, babydoll.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

JED: No! No! No! Stop doing that!

- Kiss this. Kissing movie's over, anyway.
- Sir!

BARNEY: Oh. Oops, oops!

Hey,

that stuff that happened to me,

it was pretty rough.
I'm still getting over it.

Let me help you with that.

OLDER TED: And just like that, kids,

my baggage didn't seem
quite so heavy anymore.

You see, everyone's got some baggage.
It's part of life.

But like anything else, it's easier when
someone gives you a hand with it.

Wow, it feels so good to have told
you all that stuff about me.

I'm really glad I can open up to you.

Ted, it's not that big of a deal.

Heck, I've been left at the altar.

Three times.

The last time was because
I blew all our money on online poker.

That's why I live with my brother now.

Wait, I thought you said you had
a tiny studio apartment.

Yup, just the two of us.
You should see how he hogs the covers.

(GROANS)

Yeah, you gotta go.

ENGLISH - US - SDH