How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 5, Episode 18 - Say Cheese - full transcript

OLDER TED: Kids, your Aunt Lily
has always been one of those people

who loves their birthday. Loves it.

(BEEPING)

It's my birthday!

So it's a good thing she married Marshall.

(BEEPING)

It's still my birthday!

Because he loves planning birthdays.

Feliz Cumpleanos, baby.

The theme of today's birthday
breakfast in bed is Spanish Interlude.

(SPANISH MUSIC PLAYING)

Yay!

It's, uh...

How on Earth did we end up in
the lyrical rolling hills of Northern Spain?

Yay!

Baby, tonight is gonna be so much fun.
Just the five of us, black-tie dinner,

and Ted is picking up your favorite
cognac pumpkin cheesecake from Edgar's.

Yay!

Okay. I am off to run
your super secret birthday errand.

Yay!

And I'm taking this guy with me,

because I don't like the way
he's looking at you.

Yay.

A new camera. Oh, thank you, Marshall!
I love it!

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, a little bonus.
I took some naked pictures of myself

before I wrapped it, put a bow on it.

- There wasn't a bow on it.
- Wrong "it."

(LILY GASPS)

Thank you, honey. I'm gonna get some
great shots of our little group with this.

(BOTH GROAN)

OLDER TED: Now, kids, you've seen
your Aunt Lily's photo albums:

Leather bound, acid-free paper,
adorable handwritten captions.

And most importantly, the group shot.

Cute photo, right, kids?

But what you don't see
is what happened 10 seconds

before this picture was taken.

Okay, I wanna get the perfect group shot.
Marshall, sit between Robin and Barney.

Why?

Oh, you know,
light, color balance, aperture.

You're just saying camera words.

Wait. You don't want Barney and me
to look like a couple in this picture,

- do you?
- Of course I don't!

You two aren't gonna last.
I'm going for timeless here.

- How dare you!
- That is so rude!

- It's true.
- Totally true.

We're running on fumes here.
But still rude.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

OLDER TED: We hated Lily's group shots.

Okay, maybe I get a little bossy,
but I just wanna remember those times.

Like tonight.
I can't imagine a better birthday

than being here,
with just my four best friends.

- Yay!
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

And Ted's here now. Yay!

Happy birthday! This is Amanda.

(SHAKILY) And Amanda. Yay.

Ted, you were supposed
to bring a cheesecake,

but instead you brought two grocery bags
and a woman we've never seen before.

Hi, I'm Marshall. Welcome to our home.
Start talking.

Well, Amanda's gonna make Lily a cake.
She's a chef.

We met when I was at a restaurant
last week, and I sent some soup back.

Luckily she's got such pretty hair,
I didn't mind eating a little bit of it.

They call me The Shedder at work.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) I'm so glad
you're making my birthday cake.

In honor of Lily's 32nd birthday,
I've got a lot of great games planned,

- starting with Lilial Pursuit.
- Ah, clever.

- Okay, who's got number one?
- I do.

Of course you do. Okay, Amanda goes first.

Thirty-two seconds on the clock
to answer as many questions as possible.

And, go!

- Question one, what is Lily's favorite color?
- (TICKING)

Well, she's wearing pink,
so I'm gonna say pink.

Yeah, that's Robin.

Oh. Uh...

- Her favorite color is elbow.
- (MOUTHING) Yellow.

I believe Ted
was mouthing the word "yellow."

Which also would've been wrong.

This game is called Gilding The Lily.

- Nice.
- Thank you.

Okay, you've all written down your favorite
things about the birthday girl,

and, Lily-pad, you guess who wrote what.

"Lily makes everyone in her life,
from her friends to her students..."

(WHISPERING)
Lily's a kindergarten teacher.

That's what he means by students.

"...feel loved. She makes the best
oatmeal raisin cookies ever,

"can recite every line from Goonies..."

Lily saw Goonies in the theater
right after her parents separated.

For a long time after that,
she had real trouble trusting people.

Ted!

"...and she's the strongest person
I've ever met.

"I can't imagine my life without her.
I love you, Lily."

- Aw! Robin.
- Of course it was me.

- Come on.
- So sweet. Okay.

(ROBIN AND LILY EX CLAIMING)

Lily, you try to guess who wrote this.

(AMANDA GULPING)

"You seem really nice."

Oh.

- I'm gonna guess Amanda.
- No, that was me.

And I meant every word.

Well, I should get back to that cake.

Okay, let me know if you need anything.

All right, quick, let's do the group photo.
Everybody gather around the fireplace.

Wait, hang on. I'll let Amanda know.

Oh, no, that's okay.
She's busy in the kitchen.

Let's not bother her. Come on.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

Wait, hang on a second.

You don't want Amanda
in the photo, do you?

No, no. It's just, you know,
auto focus, shutter speed, zoom.

- Lily, what's going on?
- Who wants a party hat?

Hey, look. Look, I'm a bird!

- Let's all be birds!
- Lily! Tell me the truth!

No, of course not! I'm not gonna let
another one of your dumb skanks

ruin my precious memories!

(CLICKS)

- Lily, what are you talking about?
- Ted, you always do this.

You bring girls that we barely know
to all our big group events.

- I do not!
- Oh, really?

Oh. Well, let's just take a little walk
down Random Skank Lane.

Or we could just keep on strolling down
Best Birthday Ever Avenue.

Do I get a vote? Skank Lane. Skank Lane!

Hey, hey, guys,
I've composed a song for the evening.

Follow along. The chorus goes like this.

(SINGING) Happy, Happy Lily Day
Happy, Happy...

Christmas morning, four years ago.

Our first Christmas together,
just the five of us.

Oh, Ted,
here's another fun little trivia game.

It's called Name That Bitch.

It's... It is... Sa... San...

Wrong. You're thinking of Santa,
'cause it was Christmas.

Fun fact, each year, my mother
has Easter tea with her friend Bunny.

(CHUCKLING) Okay, not that fun.

Yeah, I remember her name. It's Sara.

Close. It's Lailanie.
She just had to come to Christmas

because you said,
"Guys, she might be the one."

And she's not the only "might be the one."

New Year's Eve, 2007.

Barney, Lily, Robin, Ted, Marshall,
and "she's the one" Emily.

Robin's Uncle Cecil's funeral.

Marshall, Lily, Robin, Barney, Ted,

and " this-just-proves-you-find-the-one-
when-you're-not-looking" Isabelle.

My appendix surgery.
Robin, Marshall, Barney, Lily, Ted, and...

Well, this one you admitted,
you were just trying to bang.

Respect.

Oh, hey, remember this yoga instructor
you brought to my birthday last year?

ALL: (SINGING) You.

Thank you. Oh, my God.

You guys are not gonna believe
who just came in.

Don't look, don't look!
Why aren't you looking?

- It's Slash from Guns N' Roses.
- ALL: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Okay, okay. Group shot. Group shot!
Come on!

And we got it! We got a picture
with Slash on my birthday.

Awesome, right? Right?

- We were there. We know how this ends.
- Wrong!

ROBIN: You know what's funny
about this picture?

- He was grabbing my ass.
- LILY: Really? He was grabbing my ass, too.

He was grabbing my ass, too.
How many hands does that guy have?

No wonder he's such a good guitarist.

Actually, sorry, dude.
I thought that you were Lily.

Wait a second,
look at these pictures again.

Barney has the same pose in each shot,
and these are, like, years apart.

Ah, yes, about that.
I never take a bad picture.

Never have. Never will.

(SCOFFS) Dude, there has to be
a bad picture of you.

- Nope! Not one.
- What about from elementary school?

- Everyone has bad pictures from school.
- Not the Barnacle.

I always look drop-dead,
stone-cold amazing.

Unlike Marshall, who just looks
dead, stoned, and cold.

OLDER TED: He was right, kids.

Your Uncle Marshall
does a lot of things well,

but he does not take a good picture.

They're not all bad, okay? Like, here.

Here, look at this one, my eyes are open.

- Marshall, no!
- You did put a bow on it!

- Chip and dip, Barney?
- Sure.

- A-ha!
- (CLICKS)

Got it! A bad picture.

Is it, though?

No, wait. You were eating a chip!

- Where's the chip?
- It is physically impossible

for me to take a bad picture.
I don't know why. Ask God.

Look, Lily, I'm sorry about Amanda,
but I'm just gonna say it.

You are being a birthday brat.

(GASPS)

You're all bent out of shape

just 'cause you think
I ruined a couple of pictures?

(CHUCKLING) Oh, Ted, these girls
have ruined so many events.

- Or are you forgetting Paris?
- What happened in Paris?

It was junior year,
and I was studying abroad in Paris,

- and hadn't seen Marshall for two months.
- Two months!

And I had just started having sex.
I wasn't ready to stop for two months.

And Marshall was coming to visit
over spring break.

And at the last minute,
Ted decided to come

with the girl he had just
gotten back together with, Karen.

Karen.

- I am so excited you're here.
- I'm so excited to go to Paris.

I'm so excited to have sex again.

LILY: But just before the plane took off...

- Wait, I wanna tell you something.
- Really?

'Cause I think I wanna
tell you the same thing.

Is your thing, " I had sex with
my philosophy professor last night"?

'Cause that's my thing.

LILY: And thus began the longest
seven-and-a-half hours of Marshall's life.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

When I picked them up at the airport...

Ted broke up with me.
I need to sleep in your room this week.

Marshall can bunk with Ted.

(INAUDIBLE)

Two months!
My balls were bleues! Bleues!

This will come as no shock,
but the rest of the trip was terrible.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

And all I wanted was a romantic kiss
picture in front of the Eiffel Tower,

which I actually did get.

It just happened to be
between Karen and Fran?ois,

our waiter from the day before.

Wow, that's just awful. Just, just, just...

(CLATTERS)

Oh, whoopsie, hey, I dropped my phone.
You mind picking it up for me?

- Oh, sure.
- Smile, you son-of-a-bitch!

- Got it!
- Did you, though?

What? How do you do that?
You weren't even standing up.

The camera loves me, Robin.

More than loves me.
The camera lusts after me.

The camera wants to put on
some nice lingerie, pop in an Al Green CD,

dim the lights, and do all the work,
while I just lie there with my eyes closed.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Look, I'm sorry about Paris,
and all the ruined group shots.

But when you're single, you gotta hope
that each next new girl is the one.

- I mean, Erin.
- Emily.

- Irene.
- Isabelle.

- And Sara.
- It's Lailanie. What is wrong with you?

At the time, yes. I thought each
of these girls could be the one.

But I gotta stay hopeful.
I mean, what's the alternative?

Here's the alternative. How about
no more random skanks at my birthday?

Hey, sweetie.

- Uh, do you guys have a cooling rack?
- Oh, drawer under the oven.

Can't wait. You're just the best.

And, Ted, I'm sorry. I'm gonna
have to agree with Lily on this.

I mean, these kind of events
are hard for a new person.

That's why I didn't bring Don tonight.
I mean, when I lived in Japan,

this guy, for our third date,
brought me to his brother's wedding.

Now I, a total stranger,

am in that Japanese couple's
wedding picture for all eternity.

(CLICKS)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Yeah, Ted,
I think you should listen to Robin.

Right. Right.
'Cause Robin's your best friend.

- Exactly.
- Your best friend in the whole world.

- Absolutely.
- (WHISPERING) Careful, Lily. It's a trap.

TED: And before she was your best friend,
what was she?

Oh, that's right, one of my random skanks.

- Hey!
- Okay, yes, Ted.

- This particular skank...
- Hey!

...happened to work out.
But she's the skanky exception,

- not the skanky rule.
- Hey, I'm crying a little bit.

Okay. Hey, guys, that about wraps up
this whole skank conversation.

Let's get back to the birthday song.

Okay, Barney, your part goes like this.

(SINGING) She's cute

She's cute

She's cute

Lily, I bring girls to these events
because you guys are important to me.

- You're my family.
- And, hey, Robin. Hey, Robin.

Robin. Your part goes like this.

(SINGING IN FALSETTO) And nice

And nice

And oh, so nice

Yes, we're a family.

So, why can't these events
ever just be us?

Like the time we celebrated
Marshall passing the bar exam.

Hey, guys. This is the disgusting,
smelly hippie I'm dating.

ALL: Hey.

- I did not say that.
- Well, you might as well have.

Hey, guys. This is Strawberry.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Um, should we order some more food?
- Oh, no, Strawberry's not eating.

- I'm a vegetarian.
- Okay.

Well, let's all raise a glass.

For the last three years,
Marshall has been working so hard,

- and I am so proud of you.
- Meat is murder!

(SCREAMING) Meat is murder!

Okay, I admit it.
Strawberry was a mistake.

But how could I have known that going in?

ALL: Her name was Strawberry!

Look, if it's such a big deal,

Amanda doesn't have to be
in the group photo.

But I promise,
she's not gonna ruin your birthday.

- Just give her a chance.
- See, look, guys,

we're all friends again!
Now let's work on those harmonies.

(SINGING) Happy, Happy Lily Day

Happy, Happy Lily Day

All done! I hope you like it.

"Happy 42nd birthday, Lori."

OLDER TED: Kids, you know how I've told
you about Lily's you're-dead-to-me look?

That expression she gets just
before she explodes in white-hot rage?

Well, this wasn't it.

(CHUCKLES)

But this was Marshall's.

Forty-second?
Does this hot piece of ass look 42 to you?

Or does she look like her name is Lori?

- Oh, Marshall, it's okay.
- No, Lily, it's not okay!

- Ted, get this stranger out of my house.
- I am so sorry.

Out!

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SINGING) Happy, Happy Lily Day
Happy, Happy Lily Day

Well, Amanda refused to come back.
She thinks you guys hate her.

Marshall, you have to go apologize.

You ruined Lily's birthday,
and you want me to apologize.

If anything, you should apologize to me.

What are you talking about?

Ted, you bring girls
to these intimate events,

and it makes them think
that things are really serious.

And then, when you break up with them,
you know who they turn to? Me.

I've been your girlfriend clean-up crew
for years.

February, 2005. I had just come back
from a marathon study session

at the law library.

Hey, hey, Natalie. Where's Ted?

We broke up. Again.

Uh-oh.

Won't you sit with me for a little while?
Just sit.

Oh, man. You know what?
I've been up for, like, 36 hours.

(SOBBING INCOHERENTLY) Yeah,
but I don't have anyone else to talk to.

- Just for a few minutes.
- Thanks.

(MARSHALL SIGHS)

(WEEPING)

And, at first,
I was completely sympathetic.

But, damn it, Ted, over the years,
you've made me cynical.

You know what?
I'm gonna go get us some Rocky Road,

and we're just gonna sit here
and talk it out until it makes sense.

I just thought we had something
so special, you know?

Me, too. Yeah, but, you know,
life goes on, sweetheart.

I don't know how I'm gonna put
my life back together after this.

Oh, shut up.

Well, I'm sorry my search for true love has
been such an inconvenience to you guys.

You know what?
Maybe your precious pictures

would look a lot better if I wasn't in them.

They'd look a lot better
if Marshall weren't in them.

Cheap shot, cheap shot.

You know what these pictures are, Lily?

They're a big, fat lie. They're posed.
They're touched up.

They're what you want our life to be,
not what it is.

- That's not true.
- Oh, yeah?

Okay. Look at this one.
Halloween, two years ago.

You and Marshall got in a huge fight

because you didn't wanna
dress up as penguins.

No, no, no.
It's not just that she didn't want to.

It's that she called
penguins lame. Penguins.

And yet, here you are,
smiling like nothing's wrong.

Completely phony.

Oh! Robin's birthday, three years ago.
Robin had a cold,

and you made her change
out of her pajamas for the picture.

And then you pinched my cheeks
really hard to get some color in them.

Yeah, but you looked pretty.

And then we all ate chocolate cake
in my bed.

- Actually, that was a really nice night.
- Yeah, it was.

- Yeah, I guess it was.
- Hey, look at this one.

This is the first picture the three of us
ever took together.

That's right. It was.

Hey, you remember how it happened?

- Okay, ready?
- Wait, wait, wait.

What pose should we do?
Buddy cop picture?

Oh, no, no. What about an '80s sitcom
about two roommates

- who never agree on anything?
- Mmm-hmm.

Nice. Okay, one, two...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi, Marshall. Ready for the movie?

Um, yeah. Just a second, though, okay?
We're about to make history.

We're about to take
our first ever roommate picture.

Yeah. Hey, why don't you get
in the picture, too?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Wait. What are you doing, Ted?
What if we break up?

What if you don't?

- Come on.
- Come on.

(CLICKS)

I forgot all about that.

Marshall and I had just
been dating a few weeks,

and you invited me into the picture.

Well, I liked you.

- We have to get Amanda back.
- Really?

Ted, you believed in me.
It's my turn to believe in you.

For all I know, she's the one.

Thanks, Lil.

I think Lori's age has made her very wise.

They say your 40s are
when you really get to know yourself.

Mmm.

OLDER TED: So, your Aunt Lily
called Amanda.

All right, people, gather around.
Let's make a memory.

- Okay.
- Okay, Marshall. No, Marshall, try this.

Keep your eyes closed
until the last second,

- and when I say so, open them. Okay?
- Okay, Ted.

Hey, Barney, is that a hole
in your suit jacket?

What? Where?

Now, Marshall.

(CLICKS)

ROBIN: Damn it!

Ted, name that bitch.

- Bertha... Bertha?
- No. It was my birthday.

Your brain makes associations
in a very obvious way.

All right, people, gather around.
Let's make a memory.

Hey, Robin,
what's in this dip that you made?

It tastes like cilantro,

and you know that cilantro makes me...

- (SNEEZING)
- (CLICKS)

ROBIN: Yes!

ENGLISH - US - SDH