How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 5, Episode 11 - Last Cigarette Ever - full transcript

OLDER TED: Kids, back in 2009,
your Aunt Robin

was the host of a morning show
for local New York cable.

And it was on pretty early. How early?

(LOUD SNORING)

ROBIN: Mike? Wake up.

(GRUNTING)

OLDER TED: But then, everything changed.

Coming up next...

- Hey.
- Hey.

- See my show?
- Aw, I meant to watch it.

I just got so busy
with the whole being-sound-asleep thing.

It took all night,
eight hours down the drain.

It's fine. But get this. After the broadcast...

- Hi. Are you Robin?
- Yeah.

I'm Don, your new co-host.

OLDER TED: Don was Don Frank,
a seasoned veteran of no fewer

than 38 local morning news teams
from all over the country.

The guy was an industry legend.

Oh!

Wow! You are so going to hit that.

No! I just think we're going to be
great together on the air.

And on the sofa and on the bed
and on the coffee table.

All right, all right.

I'm gonna go up on the roof
and stand there by myself for five minutes.

Have fun.

OLDER TED: And that's exactly
what she did.

She just stood there.

All right, kids, I'm gonna level with you.

That's not what she did.
Here's what she did.

All right, all right.

(GRUNTING) I'm going to
go have a cigarette.

- What?
- What?

OLDER TED: I promised her
I'd never tell you this,

but once upon a time, your Aunt Robin
did enjoy the occasional cigarette,

and occasionally that occasional cigarette

was more than just occasional.

I just left something
like this in my apartment.

Robin, come on, take it to the roof.

We said no smoking in the apartment

after you torched the throw rug
doing push-ups.

All right, all right, all right.

Yeah, Robin. I mean, God,
not only is that a filthy habit,

- but also, can I bum one?
- Sure.

- What?
- What?

OLDER TED: Kids, your Uncle Marshall
definitely doesn't want you to know this,

but he also smoked off and on.

It all started when he was 13,
on a camping trip in Minnesota.

Come on, Marshall, let's celebrate.
It's summer vacation.

Okay, but just one.

This is my first and last cigarette ever.

OLDER TED: And that was the first of many,
many last cigarettes ever.

That's it. I am done, I am out.

Last... Cigarette... Ev-arr!

OLDER TED: So, by that point,
I'd heard it all before.

Last cigarette ever.

What are you doing?
You haven't smoked in six months.

Is this about the McRib?
It's gone, dude. Let it go.

I'm worried about work, okay?

They just hired a new head
of the legal department,

and he's going to be letting people go.

So that's why you're worried?

The new head of the legal department
is Arthur Hobbs.

As in Artillery Arthur?
As in your former boss?

OLDER TED: Arthur Hobbs
was the meanest boss

Marshall or anyone else had ever had.

The last time Marshall worked for him,
it ended like this.

I quit!

Yikes. So, does he hold it against you?

Worse.

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm Marshall Eriksen.

Um, we had a fairly intense
screaming match.

No.

Wherein I suggested
that you take your head

and store it within yourself

in a fashion that, well, while space-saving
might limit its exposure to sunshine.

Well, that describes 95% of my employees

and everyone in my family,
except for my dog.

He's such a good boy.

Well, I'll see you later, Randall Wilkerson.

- Marshall Eriksen.
- Gary Dinkersfield, right.

- Great, he doesn't remember you.
- Not great.

Arthur Hobbs hating Marshall,
that's no big deal.

He hates everyone.

It's the people he doesn't know
that he cuts loose.

- He just fired What's-His-Face.
- He fired What's-His-Face, Ted,

and What's-His-Face was invaluable.

Look, I can understand you getting upset,
but it's not worth killing yourself over.

Yeah, wait till you get laid off,
then kill yourself.

Like What's-His-Face.

Although I guess now
it's more like Where's-His-Face.

Look, it was just two cigarettes, okay?
I can handle two.

As long as I don't have three
within 24 hours,

then I'm not going to get hooked again.

What's Lily going to say
when she finds out you smoked?

Lily's not going to find out.
I have a system.

OLDER TED: Ah, yes, Marshall's system.

- Hey, Lil.
- You smoked.

Damn it!

OLDER TED: The next morning,
your Aunt Robin was thrilled

to be finally going on the air
with a real pro.

In three, two, one...

- Hi, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.
- And I am Don Frank.

Two teens were arrested late last night
for stealing a police cart.

No, I'm sorry, not a police cart,
a police car.

(LAUGHING) Screw it. Brain fart.

Don't you hate those?

Look at that,
the teleprompter's still running.

Something about a woman
giving birth on an uptown bus.

Well, no point in jumping in halfway.
I'll just wait till it's done.

(ROBIN GIGGLING NERVOUSLY)

And she cut the cord with a Metro Pass.

We'll be right back.

And we're clear.

What the hell was that?
Don, you said "brain fart."

Look, Robin, you seem like a nice kid,
but this is my 39th local news show, okay?

And in that time, I've learned three things:

Avoid the all-you-can-eat
sushi buffet in Bismarck,

do not go to the bathroom
with your lapel mic still on,

and three, at this hour,
your entire viewing audience

is one half-drunk slob
sitting in his underwear, so...

MIKE: Back in five, four...

Well, let's do a great show
for that half-drunk slob.

Well, that half-drunk slob appreciates it.

OLDER TED: The next day, Marshall found
himself craving a cigarette.

It was driving him crazy,
so he decided to get some fresh air.

Oh, no.
You're not up here to jump, are you?

No, no, no, no.

I fired a lot of people today.
I don't need another jumper in my file.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, uh, cigarette?

- No. No, thank you.
- That's too bad.

You know what I miss, Jeffrey?
Getting to know somebody over a smoke.

People are so interchangeable now,

but you share a butt with somebody,
you got a real bond.

- You know what? I will take one.
- Okay.

Thank you.

I'm Marshall, by the way.
It's Marshall, Marshall Eriksen. Yeah.

Tell me something, Marshall Eriksen.

How would you like to see
a picture of the cutest dog in the world?

There he is. He's a good boy.

- Hey.
- You smoked.

Yes, I smoked,
and it was my third of the day.

You know what that means?
I'm a smoker now. It's all over.

I even bought a pack on the way home
and a lighter and a Vikings lamp,

which has nothing to do with anything,

but I saw it in the window and I liked it.

Damn it, Marshall.

We already have four Vikings lamps
and smoking kills.

It was a way to bond with my boss, okay?
You should have seen me up there.

- That is a cute dog.
- Yeah.

- Are those your kids?
- Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Hey, look what I got at the mall.

(CHUCKLING)

There he is. There he is.
Go ahead, you can pet him now.

- No.
- Yeah, yeah, come on, he likes it.

Scratch him under the chin.

(BARKS)

(LAUGHING)

I don't care what your reasons are.
You know how I feel about smoking.

Now, give me the cigarettes.

And the lighter.

Ah! That's the stuff.

- What?
- What?

OLDER TED: Oh, yeah,
add your Aunt Lily to the list.

Whenever Uncle Marshall
fell off the wagon,

your Aunt Lily got dragged
right down with him.

What you doing?

(SIGHING) If you must know,
I am reaching out to City Hall

to try to get the mayor on our show.

Oh, my goodness, you are adorable,

but the mayor's not coming on
a show nobody watches.

My colonoscopy had more viewers
than this show.

At least that had some twists and turns.

Okay, you know,
I don't know why you're acting like this.

I mean, maybe you're just bitter

because you never had a shot
at a network job,

but I think I still do,
so I really need to focus.

I've been on a network.

You were on a network?

It was the best Labor Day weekend
of my life.

When you do the news,
you're in these ergonomic chairs.

It feels like you're sitting on a cloud.

Which was nice
'cause it was right after my colonoscopy.

- And the dressing rooms... Oh.
- There's dressing rooms?

You bet your sweet headset
there's dressing rooms, Mike.

No changing in the KFC bathroom
across the street. No, sir.

It was heaven.

But the second you get used to it,

they go find someone
who isn't "going through a bitter divorce"

and doesn't "reek of gin,"

and before you know it,
you're stuck in a dead-end gig,

surrounded by people going nowhere,
doing the news in your tighty whities.

Okay, the underwear thing
was your choice,

and I don't like that it's catching on.

Ah! Looking good, fellows.
Feels good, right?

God, I want to kill him.
Of course people watch the show.

You guys watch the show,
that's, like, two right there.

Oh, my God.
You guys still haven't seen my show.

- What? We never miss it.
- We've seen it!

Really? What color is the set?

(BOTH STUTTERING)

- It's black.
- Right. Yeah.

- With, like, silver around the edges.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.

Not your TV set, my show set.

BOTH: Oh!

God, if I can't even get my best friends
to watch, who's going to watch?

Lots of people.
You got bedridden insomniacs.

Bums camping outside a department store.

People waiting in the ER,
where the TV is in a cage,

so you can't change the channel.

Do you have any stalkers?

Yeah, but even Leonard
won't watch my show.

I can't believe those guys
are smoking out there.

It's freezing out.

Remember when you used to be able
to smoke in bars?

TED: Hey, dude. I think that hot girl
over there's smiling at me.

BARNEY: That's a chair.
But yeah, dude, hit that.

MARSHALL: Guys?

Marco!

TED: Polo!
BARNEY: Polo!

Well, it's dividing our group
into smokers and non-smokers.

- And that's not healthy.
- You're right.

Let's go have a smoke.

- What?
- What?

OLDER TED: Yeah, I'm not proud of it.

ROBIN: Look at you two. Smokers.
Just like the rest of us.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

I am not a smoker.
I only smoke in certain situations:

Post-coital, when I'm with Germans...
Sometimes those two overlap.

...coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom,

pre-coital, on a sailboat,

the day the Mets
are mathematically eliminated every year,

and, of course, wait for it,
'cause Lord knows I have,

pregnancy scares.

- Why are you smoking right now?
- I'm always pre-coital, Ted.

You know, maybe smoking's not so bad.

I mean, at least it gets us out
in the fresh air.

Yeah, and all the coughing
really works my abs.

I... (COUGHS) Am... (COUGHS) Ripped!

(COUGHING VIOLENTLY)

OLDER TED: But as glamorous as it was,

within a week
we all hit our breaking point.

(COUGHING)

You okay, sweetie?

(IN RASPY VOICE)
Actually, baby, my throat's a bit sore.

(PANTING)

(SCREAMING)

So, I'm whapping him across the nose
with the newspaper, right?

And my wife says,

"Come on,
you can't treat your son like that."

I don't know.

(EX CLAIMS)

(GRUNTING)

Michael, call 911.

Oh, my God. Okay, yes, yeah, right away.

It's Marshall, by the way.

(ARTHUR SHOUTS)

Oh, my God. I hope Arthur's okay.
Dibs on his office if he's not.

We have to quit smoking.

(IN RASPY VOICE) Honey,
you said a mouthful.

I wish I had never started.

I mean, I think back to myself
at 13 years old.

If I could only go back to that moment...

- I hate that little bastard.
- (IN RASPY VOICE) Me, too.

- Okay, that's it. Let's quit.
- Let's. Let's do it.

Well, I am proud of you guys.

I have heard how difficult it is for smokers,
like yourself, to quit,

so, on behalf of non-smokers, I salute you,
and I am here to help.

So, hand in your cigarettes,
and I will get rid of them, one at a time.

(IN RASPY VOICE) You're quitting, dollface.

I know I don't normally call you "dollface,"
but it kind of works in this voice.

Dollface.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

I was just wondering,

is anyone else interviewing the mayor
tomorrow on TV, or is it just me?

- Hey, that's great.
- Hey.

Yeah, Don can suck it, while I suck this.
Light me, Marshall.

Actually, we've decided
that we're all quitting smoking.

That's fantastic.

I'm sick of you guys
bumming my cigarettes.

No, come on, Robin.
We can't do it unless we all do it together.

No.

- You can sleep with Marshall.
- Oh, God, Lily, no.

Sorry, baby,
you got to take one for the team.

I don't want to sleep with Marshall.

- I've seen the looks.
- Right.

I can't quit right now.
Not before the biggest interview of my life.

- It's too stressful.
- It's too stressful!

- Just have one more.
- Give me a cigarette!

No, wait! Robin, Robin,
think about this for a second.

Bloomberg is the anti-smoking mayor.

Do you really want to show up
to that interview smelling like smoke?

Lt'd be like interviewing a vegetarian
smelling like a McRib.

Really? Like I'm not going
through enough right now?

Look, you're quitting. We're all quitting.

- Fine. I'll quit.
- Great. Great.

We just have to get through
the first 24 hours.

After that, it's a cakewalk.

(IN RASPY VOICE) Barney, do you have
to bite your nails so loud?

I'm not biting my nails.

I'm trying to suck the leftover nicotine
out of my fingertips.

Marshall, can you pass the onion rings?

What, you got dinosaur arms?
They're right here.

What do you think cigarettes
are doing right now?

You think they're thinking about us?

Dude, if you don't stop tapping your foot,
it's coming off.

Oh, my God, Ted, I'm so sorry.

Maybe I should move it a little bit closer
to your ass!

- I am ready to do this right now!
- Ted, I...

OLDER TED: None of us knew
what we were fighting about.

We just knew we wanted to smoke,
more than anything in the world.

(MARSHALL GRUNTING)

OLDER TED: It wasn't going very well
for Robin, either.

Sorry I'm late.

Someone used the microwave,
and the elevator stopped.

- What are you doing?
- Okay, Don. Don, seriously, not tonight.

Okay, I'm a little bit on edge
because I quit smoking

for my interview with the mayor, so just...

Oh! Oh, you precious
little porcelain unicorn, you.

- (CHUCKLES) Why would you do that?
- Why?

Because I care, Don.

I care about the show,
I care about my career.

Unlike you, you unprofessional jerk!
You're sloppy, you're rude,

and I wish you worked half as hard

as the elastic on
those stretched-out underpants.

(ROBIN SIGHS)

I'm starting to feel
like this is getting a little personal.

No, Don, it would be getting personal
if I would say

that the reason you bounce
from market to market

is because you're a loser.
A lazy, obnoxious loser.

The mayor canceled.

In five, four, three, two...

Hi, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.

You think I'm a loser?
You're right. I'm a loser.

But at least I've accepted it.

A plucky raccoon
has been cheering up patients

at a local senior center.

I used to be just like that.
Always wanting more and never getting it.

It's a dead end, Robin.

You're never going to be a network anchor.

Just like you're never
going to quit smoking.

What are you doing?

I'm enjoying a cigarette.

Oh! That'll get you there.

That's good.

- You want a drag?
- Can we be professionals?

- Please?
- (LAUGHING) Yeah. Professionals?

You know who's working
the camera right now?

A chair.

We're on a show where we can't even
get the cameraman to watch.

That's why the mayor canceled, Robin.

And that's why Mike
is on a fried chicken run.

And that's why you and I
can enjoy a cigarette

right here on the air.

- No, thank you.
- Why?

Because of our millions and millions
of impressionable viewers?

Okay. If any impressionable viewers
have a problem with this,

please give us a call.
The number's on the screen.

Chirp, chirp? Chirp, chirp?

Come on, Robin, live a little.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, that must be Mike.
He always forgets, extra crispy. Hello?

- Robin, don't smoke that cigarette!
- Marshall?

We're all watching
and we're all very impressionable.

And I swear to God, if you smoke
that cigarette, we're all going to smoke.

You guys are watching?

LILY: (IN RASPY VOICE) We sure are,
sweetheart, and you look fabulous.

Oh, you guys.

You don't have to do this, Robin.
You don't have to smoke.

Resist it, honey.

Thanks for the call, guys.

(ROBIN GASPS)

(ALL CHEERING)

- She did it!
- Good for her.

We're not going to smoke.

I have a pack stashed up on the roof.

(BARNEY EX CLAIMING)

I'm awake. And I'm smoking!

Robin, you know how dangerous it is
to wake a sleep-smoker? Dear God.

It's fine. I bought a pack on my way home.

- Hey, great show, Robin.
- Yeah.

Yeah, but that Don guy, what a tool.

Well, no, he actually apologized to me.

No, I mean when he stood up.
Those briefs were pretty revealing.

- You should date that guy.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah. Not in this lifetime.

OLDER TED: They were dating within
three months, but more on that later.

Hey, guys, look, the sun's coming up.

You know what right now
is a perfect time for?

A last cigarette ever.

No, I mean, a real last cigarette ever.

Damn it, let's do it.

Okay.

All right.
Last cigarette ever on the count of three.

- One...
...two...

...three.

OLDER TED: We all quit
for a while after that,

but it wasn't anyone's last cigarette.

We did eventually all quit smoking for real.

Robin's last cigarette was in June, 2013.

Barney's last cigarette was in March, 2017.

Lily's last cigarette was the day
she started trying to get pregnant.

And Marshall's last cigarette
was the day his son was born.

And my last cigarette?
Two weeks into dating your mother.

And I never looked back.

(MARSHALL EXHALES)

I'm sorry I hit you, buddy.

I wanted to make it up to you
by giving you this.

Wow, she's hot!

Yeah. Well, some day,
you're going to marry her.

No way.

- We're pretty lucky.
- Totally.

I'll be in my tent.

Oh, no. Wait, hey! No, don't do that.

Well...

Have fun for me.

ENGLISH - US - SDH