How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 4, Episode 14 - The Possimpible - full transcript

I can't believe Metro News One is just
forwarding you all this fan mail now.

I know.
I quit like four months ago.

You had more fans than I thought.

And only about 60% of them
are prison inmates.

What are these guys thinking?

I am way past
my "dating prisoners" phase.

It's like, hello, I'm not 19 anymore.

Lottery Girl's on.

I just feel sorry for these women.

This is where broadcast
careers go to die.

Check it out. I make it fun.
I invented a little game.

Tonight's Lotto numbers are...

nineteen...

Age you moved to New York
after a photographer "discovered" you

at a food court and said
he'd get you in Vogue magazine.

Fifty-three...

Number of semi-nude pictures
he took of you

before you realized he had
no connection to Vogue magazine.

Twenty-two...

Age you claim you are.

Thirty-one...

Age you actually are.

Forty-five...

Number of minutes it would take
me to get you into a cab,

out of your dress,
and into my Jacuzzi.

And the Super Big Ball is...

What happens after we get out
of the Jacuzzi.

What up?

Sync by vNaru

Kids, by the winter of 2009,

Robin had been
unemployed for months.

But there was a glimmer of hope.

How'd the audition go?

Well, I went in there
feeling really good.

I heard it was just me
up against two other girls.

Listening.

And you are?

You've obviously never spent
any time in Denver.

Rochelle Harper,
News Center 12.

We were only the number-one station
in the Rockies for

five straight years.

I was an anchor here in town
at Metro News One.

An anchor.

You must have a killer signoff phrase.

I'm sorry?

You gotta have a killer signoff phrase.

Like Walter Cronkite.

"And that's the way it is."

So what's yours?

Well, I would just always end
with a simple

"From all of us here at Metro News One,
have a good evening."

Mine is: "From all of us here
at Barney's apartment, get out."

You didn't let those reporter bitches
psych you out, did you?

...and the President's economic team
is hoping to have a proposal

before Congress
by the end of the month.

From all of us here at News Ten,
have a good evening.

So, good night, New York.

And may the road ahead
be lit with dreams

and tomorrows.

Which are lit with dreams...

also.

That's terrible.

And bad...

also.

I wasn't done.

Stand tall, New York.

Trustworthy.

Recycling.

Wear a condom.

Wear a condom?

I'm not gonna be the new
Channel Ten anchor, am I?

This just in.

Maybe the problem is your r?sum?.

See how mine is lean and mean?

Yours is too cluttered.

Like everything on your r?sum?
is so relevant?

"Program Director,
88.1 Wesleyan University Radio"?

- Oh, God.
- Dr. X?

You're still bragging about Dr. X?

- Who was Dr. X?
- Nobody knows.

- He was this genius mystery D.J.
- It was Ted.

His identity remains a secret
to this day.

It was Ted.

But this phantom of the airwaves changed
the very face of college radio.

- It was Ted.
- And your show sucked.

Dr. X here, shooting truth bullets
at you from an undisclosed location.

Because if they knew where I was,
they'd shut me down.

You're on the third floor
of the Student Center

next to the game room, you tool.

I've been getting a lot of letters
about my segment

on how racist
the school's meal plan is.

How are you getting letters
if no one knows where you are, douche?

That's why I'm organizing a happening

outside the dining hall,
Monday at midnight.

It's high time the Food Service
puppet masters

took ignorance and injustice
off the menu.

Hey, Ted, we need
a fourth for foosball.

What are you doing in here, anyway?

Dude, get out of here!
I'll be there in a second.

So remember, dining hall,
monday, midnight.

Another Dr. X happening.

I'll be there, because X
marks the spot-ot-ot-ot-ot...

If you think people liked your show,
they did not-ot-ot-ot...

This is weird.

Look what got mixed in
with your fan mail.

What?

It's from the
U.S. Department of Immigration.

It's postmarked two months ago.

- Oh, boy.
- What is it?

It's about my work visa.

Unless I can find a job in the next...

seven days,

they're gonna send me back to Canada.

I can't believe you might be
kicked out of the country.

I know. My whole life is here.

We won't let this happen. I mean,
one of us will help you find a job.

I bet I can get you something
at my school.

It doesn't work that way.
Robin only gets her work visa

if she gets a job in her field.

I mean, you know what,
I guess you could stay

if you married a U.S. citizen.

Yeah, that could work.

They could never process that and make
it official in time. That won't work.

I'm screwed.

I've been sending out my reel
for three months, and nothing.

Well, maybe there's something in your
reel that people aren't responding to.

Let's take a look at it, right?

That's a good question, Norm.

The first thing is from
when I was a cub reporter

for Channel 22 in Red Deer.

In Alberta.

In Canada.

Well, the snow's coming down
pretty hard,

but these intrepid fishermen
are still happy to be out competing

in Lake Athabasca's
Bass Fishing Jamboree,

an August 1st tradition.

Back to you, Norm.

What?

That was my first job.
It shows where I came from.

Unless a bear attacks you
in the next three seconds

and you snap its neck
with your legs,

that has no business being
on your reel.

I get it, I get it.

Where you're from is part
of who you're selling.

For instance, under "special skills"
on my r?sum?,

I mention that back in Minnesota,

I was the 1995 Nicollet County
Slam Dunk Champion.

You put dunk champion
on your r?sum??

Yeah, why wouldn't you?

A lot of companies have
basketball teams.

It's good for them to know

that Vanilla Thunder can still take
the rock to the hole.

- They called you Vanilla Thunder?
- Yeah, Vanilla Thunder.

The Ghost in the Post.
The Human Turnstile.

I didn't...
play that much D.

You can't still dunk.

Of course I can.

Well, I mean I could...
until... recently.

Until the injury.

It's called iliopsoas tendonitis.

Yikes, that sounds bad.

It's more commonly known
as dancer's hip.

Dr. Goodman...

Come on!

Iliopsoas tendonitis.
That's what it's called.

That's all it's called.

Iliopsoas tendonitis.

It's a basketball injury.
You know, it's no big whoop.

Dancer's hip, Marshall has something
called dancer's hip.

They only call it that, look, because
it's very common with ballet dancers.

So, tell me, do any of the other
little girls in your class

- have dancer's hip?
- Yeah, sure.

I have more of a technical question.

Is it easier to dance when
you don't have external genitalia?

Good, don't build to that...
just go right for it.

Guys, come on. Marshall didn't get
this injury from dancing.

Thank you, Lily.

Clearly, the stirrups
were set a little too wide

during his last trip to the gyno.

Guys, I hate to cut you off

before Marshall bursts
into tears, but,

Robin, check this out.
What you need is an awesome

video

r?sum?.

Like... mine.

I present,

You've achieved great success
in business,

athletics and personal relationships

and have been an inspiration
to many people.

Is that you?

Are you interviewing yourself?

How can it be me?
That guy's British.

What would you recommend
to your numerous admirers

who want to reach
their highest potential?

And a wee bit Scottish.

The first thing you need
to know about success

is that it doesn't
just come to you.

Most people associate success
with money and power,

but really
it's a state of mind.

You had to be on a motorcycle
to say that?

And when it comes to success
the only limit

is that there are no limits.

I didn't know you knew how to stand
near a horse, that's impressive.

Barney, I don't get it. You don't do
a damn thing in any of these clips.

Exactly.

Because that's who
corporate American wants...

people who seem
like bold risk takers,

but never actually do anything.

Actually doing things
gets you fired.

In fact, I'm writing a book
on this very phenomenon.

Really, you're writing a book?

That would be doing some...
Are you even listening?!

All my life,

I have dared to go

past what is possible.

To the impossible?

Actually, past that...

to the place where the possible

and the impossible meet
to become...

the possimpible.

The possimpible?
Really?

Inventing your own word shows
creativity and vision...

"Visiativity."

If I can leave you with one thought,

it's this.

Nothing...

and everything...

is possimpible.

That guy's awesome

Is that you agai...?

Are you singing a song
about yourself?

Absolutely not.
That would be lame.

Stinson, Barney Stinson
singing this song

That would be really lame

One of the many admirers who
think that guy's awesome

perfect and available

That baby got me 11 job offers.

No way.

- That was ridiculous and insane.
- Insanulous.

- Make me one.
- What?

- Now you're talking.
- What?

I'm about to be deported.
I'll try anything.

We better get started.

There's a lot to shoot,
and I don't think I can use

any of the footage
I already have of you.

What footage do you
already have of me?

Let's just get started.

Sweetie. Are you still upset
about the dancer's hip jokes?

We were just kidding.
We all know it's a basketball injury.

Totally.

Lily, I have something
I need to tell you.

What is it?

I dance more than you know.

What?

I dance...

more than you know.

I don't know how to respond to that.

So,

what does being a reporter
mean to you?

Well, ever since I was a little kid,

- I always...
- Cut!

You're getting bogged down
in specifics.

I need you to just say vague,

confident-sounding buzzwords,
like "synergy" and "dynamism."

You can make up a word,
like... "linkativity."

How will sounding like an idiot
get me hired anywhere?

Okay, fine.
Don't do it.

Anyway, I'm sure there are plenty of
exciting stories to cover back in Canada.

I just read that the mayor of
Winnipeg's nephew went ice fishing

and caught himself a 16-pound walleye.

Reporting live from the worst place
in the world, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.

Fine.

Roll camera.

- Connectitude.
- Love it.

- Transformatation.
- Earn it!

Linkativity.

Linkativity's mine.

So, how much dancing
are we talking about?

I don't...

I guess I'd say...

medium.

Why are you dancing so much,
and why don't I know about it?

It's... something I do when I'm alone.

You know, like if something
good happens, I get excited

and I need to move, and I just...

I don't know. I don't want
to even talk about this anymore.

So that's how you injured your hip?

Did you hear? They're giving us
a half day today.

- We can leave at 2:00.
- Oh! Great!

Thanks, Herm.

These costumes are ridiculous.

Plus, the Amazon Warrior Princess armor
gave me a rash.

Cards on the table... you weren't
the first lady to wear that in here.

But it conveyed power.
And so will this.

What I need you to do now...

is break these 15 bricks
with your forehead.

What?! But you didn't do
a damn thing in your video.

You just stood near a horse
and sat on a motorcycle.

That's because I'm a man.
You're a woman.

The assumption is that
you can't do anything.

But you have to prove society wrong.

I can't break 15 bricks
with my forehead.

It's not 1950 anymore.
Yes, you can.

- I'm out of here.
- What? Why?

None of this is going to help me
get a job.

I'm about to get kicked
out of the country.

I know what I have to do.

Is this where the Lottery Girl
auditions are?

Right here.

So kids, your Aunt Robin
had reached her low point.

She was auditioning
to be the Lottery Girl.

- And tonight's Lotto numbers are...
- Hold it.

Say the line before
you press the button.

- It builds the suspense.
- It builds the suspense.

And tonight's Lotto numbers are...

- seventeen...
- Stop her.

Hold it.

Why did she say it like that?

It's like she's not even happy
about the 17 coming up.

- She seems mean.
- Yeah, she seems super-mean.

Can you take another run
at "17" for us?

Seventeen.

I don't even understand
what she's doing.

Let me try something.

Try being a little more wry.

Wry?
About the number 17?

Wry, with a little bit of a...

- Twinkle.
- ...twinkle.

Seventeen.

That was great!

I got you a light beer.

I know how you dancers are
always counting calories.

It's not funny, all right?

The doctor says if it gets any worse,
I might need surgery.

Vaginal rejuvenation surgery?

You know who didn't do a lot of
operating on vaginas in college?

- Dr. X.
- He did just fine!

You know what?

Both of you geniuses need to take
that weak-ass crap off your r?sum?s.

I mean, you are not Dr. X anymore,
and you cannot dunk anymore.

Let it go.

So Marshall and I are the only people
at this table with

"weak-ass crap" on their r?sum?s?

What are you implying?

I don't know! Does the date July 4,
1995 mean anything to you?

You son of a bitch.

Time!

And the new champion,
with 29 hot dogs,

Lily "The Belly" Aldrin.

How is that relevant
to teaching kindergarten?

It teaches kids that...

I can eat a lot of hot dogs
very quickly.

But you can't do it anymore!

You can't dunk anymore, Ladyhips!

How dare you!

- These hips can...
- Guys, guys!

I didn't even get the Lotto Girl gig.

I have to move back to Canada.

I can't believe this.

I remember the night
before I moved down here.

They threw a going-away party for me.

They gave me a camera so I could
take pictures and send them home.

And everyone was so sure
I was gonna be such a big success.

I'm really gonna miss you guys.

What happened?

Robin has to move back to Canada.

Oh, my God.
How awful.

I mean, for one thing it's gonna be
a really long commute.

What do you mean?

I finished your video r?sum? on my own.

Messengered it to every station
in the city.

A guy from Channel Eight called.
He loved you.

He wanted you to come in and audition.

I told him no. Robin Scherbatsky
doesn't audition.

He gives you the job or nothing.

So I got the job?!

He cursed me out and hung up.

But then Channel 12 called.
They also loved you.

They offered you a job hosting
their new morning talk show.

- Barney, that's amazing!
- I told them to shove it.

Which only made them want you more.

So, they jacked up their offer
by ten percent.

Congratulations, Miss Scherbatsky.

It looks like you're gonna have
to stay.

- You're not about to dance, are you?
- No, I'm good.

I'll do it later.

How did you pull this off?

I am the master of the possimpible.

You really are.

Thank you.

So, thanks to your Uncle Barney,
we got to keep your Aunt Robin.

And the rest