How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 4, Episode 12 - Benefits - full transcript

Kids, in the winter of 2009,

aunt Robin and I
had just become roommates.

And to be honest,
it wasn't going very smoothly.

That looks good.
I'm gonna get some.

- There's no more milk.
- No, I just saw some in the fridge.

Empty.

So throw it out.

The trash can's full.

So take the trash out.

I'm eating cereal.

You know, when I asked you
to be my roommate, I figured,

"She's a girl,
she'll be neat."

But no, you're Ogre
from Revenge of the Nerds.

You know what, Ted?

Instead of coming up with hot off
the press topical references like that,

maybe you should spend a little time,
I don't know,

washing a dish ever.

Darn, I can't.

I'm too busy leaving a plate of cookies

for the magical elf
who changes the toilet paper roll.

Wait, there's no elf.

- It's always me!
- I always change it.

- You never do it!
- That is ridiculous!

- No, I went in there yesterday...
- I changed it the last five times.

God, what is going on?

When we were dating each other,
we were practically living together

and we didn't drive
each other this crazy.

I know.

What happened?

You know what it is?

We were having sex.

Men and women need sex
to live together.

It solves all disputes.

Like Barney's theory
about world peace?

So I explained to her.
I said, Madeline,

every single international conflict

essentially boils down
to sexual tension.

- Every international conflict?
- Every single one, dude.

So the crisis in the Middle East
could be solved by...

Gaza Strippers. Next.

- Apartheid?
- Apart thighs.

- What else you got?
- Cold War?

"Mrs. Gorbachev,
take down those pants."

Guess we should just start
having sex, then.

Yeah, right.

I know.

It's like riding a bike, buddy?

Riding a bike upside down, maybe.

Okay, listen.
If this is gonna happen on occasion,

we can't tell anyone about this.

- Deal?
- Deal.

Deal.

Sync by vNaru

What the hell are you guys doing?

What, are you guys, like,
back together?

We're just having sex
so we don't fight anymore.

That's a great idea.
No, really.

Two thumbs up, guys.

I just looked into the future

and that works out
really great for everyone.

What are you even doing here?

I was on my way to work and
I just had to drop by here to...

read this magazine.

In...
that room over there.

I get it.
No problem, buddy.

Yes, a problem, buddy.

You came all the way over here
to read a magazine?

I'm willing to bet that
there is a place to

read a magazine at work.

You know, a room
with a little man on the door?

Come on. Nobody likes to read
a magazine at work.

I mean, you walk out of your office
holding a magazine

and that magazine is saying
one thing and one thing only.

Hey everyone, look at what
Marshall's about to do!

Marshall's about to read a big
ol' magazine in the bathroom

that you all share with him.

Well, have you thought about maybe

not reading a magazine
when you read a magazine?

You gotta read a magazine.
I mean,

that's why there's magazines.

Otherwise, it's just time
you're not getting back.

Exactly.

And the worst part is this:

That stretch of hallway from my door
to that restroom

is a...

gauntlet of...

judging eyes.

You got my boss.

We all know exactly
what you're about to do.

Her boss.

Why don't you just move
your desk in there?

I can't believe he has a wife Donald.

Sweetie, so obvious.

Anyways, I just would
rather do that here.

No, I'm sorry.
This is our apartment now.

You have to read a magazine
someplace else.

- Give me your key.
- Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

I seem to recall a deal
being struck between three parties

where in none would discuss
a certain

event that transpired.

An event of the...

...persuasion.
That key, madam,

buys my silence.

Good day to you both.

You two hooked up?

Thanks a lot, Lily.

So,

you two...

slept together.

That is awf...

some.

Awfsome.

Nice work, Ted. Tap that.

It sounds like
a bigger deal than it is.

We talked it over and
we both realized

we've had a rough couple of months.

We deserve a little fun.

This could wind up
ruing your friendship.

When two exes try to
"just be casual,"

someone always winds up
getting hurt.

Turned out, Lily was right.

But more on that later.

Look, guys,
we've got this covered, okay?

No one's gonna get hurt.
We set up ground rules.

Rule number one, this is strictly
a physical relationship.

There are no feelings involved, okay?

Please, that's like telling
the Fonz to be cool.

And since it's just physical, we don't
have to worry about romance, right?

Hell, no.
We can do it while we watch TV!

Totally!

And we can multi-task.
You know,

use the sex to spice up
otherwise dull activities.

Like folding laundry.

- Paying bills.
- Cooking dinner.

- That doesn't seem hygienic.
- Yeah, not that one.

And now that we're hooking up,
we're not fighting anymore.

Problem solved.
Actually, the credit belongs to Barney.

This whole idea came out of
your thing about world peace.

You were right.
Peace was achieved.

Repeatedly.

So I'm...
responsible for...

Excellent. Excellent. Excellent.

Next round's on me!

- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Why do you ask?

Well, for one thing,
you're openly weeping.

With joy.

So happy for those two.

Barney, admit it.

You still have feelings for Robin
and this is killing you.

I am totally fine.

Now, excuse me for just a minute.

I'm totally fine.

You have to learn
how to express these feelings.

Maybe you should talk
to a psychiatrist.

Please.

If I'm gonna pay some woman
$200 an hour

to make me feel better,
we aren't going to be talking.

And we're both going to be
on that couch.

The woman in this
scenario is a prostitute.

A dirty, skanky, surgically enhanced,
Eastern European...

I got it.

And there's something kind of liberating
about not taking it all too seriously.

Last night, we actually did it

while I was returning
a bunch of phone calls.

I knew you didn't get
a rowing machine!

Awesome,
we're still talking about this!

Look, guys, this is a private thing
between me and Ted.

Private Thing.

We wouldn't even be talking
about this if Marshall

could read a magazine at work.

He's always been this way.
Remember law school?

Sure do.

Baby, what is it?

The credit card bill came today.

You checked into a hotel

two blocks from school
on a Tuesday.

It's not what you think.

Who is she, Marshall?
What's her name?

Burrito.

Carnitas Burrito.

So, you checked into a hotel room

just so you could read
a magazine there?

Hey, Robin, do you want me
to see if the waitress has any

giant sugar cubes
for that high horse of yours?

Nobody likes to read a magazine
at work and if they say that they do,

then they're not human.

Dude, I read a magazine
at work every day.

I can't tell you how many meetings
I've been late to

because I was busy
"reading a magazine."

But I don't feel bad about it.
That's my time.

Sure, "reading a magazine"
ain't pretty,

but, you know,
it's something I gotta do.

So why be ashamed about it?

Wait, "reading a magazine"
means masturbating, right?

I can't believe it.

You drank all my milk again!

- We can have sex.
- Okay.

It's the perfect set up.

Anytime we start getting
into an argument,

we just have sex instead.

One minute we're just laying into
each other, and then the next minute...

Well, same thing.

Awesome.

So, this morning, she's yelling
at me through the door,

"You're taking too long in the shower!"

Next thing I know, she hops in.

Now baby? Don't mind
I took my time.

So awesome.

Sorry I'm late.

I was just jammin' on Scherbatsky.

She used up all my stamps,
so long story short,

the postman rang twice.

You must bump this!

That's...

just...

so...

Excuse me for a second.

So, you're saying plasmas
are better for low light,

but LCDs are better for games?

Right, but the CRTs
have the truest blacks.

So, if I want a really
crisp contrast ratio...

The CRT's deep-pixel cell structure

produces a resolution
you just can't match with an LCD.

I'll take the CRT.

Barney, this is nuts.

I'm doing just fine, thank you.

No, you're not.

You need to learn to let this stuff out.

Like we do in my kindergarten class

"Feelings Hour" every Tuesday morning.

Look, Lily, maybe your
kindergartners are upset that

their friends are sleeping with
each other, but not me.

I have never been better.

Meanwhile, Marshall was still
struggling at work.

Coming through.

Big breakfast this morning.

You know what that means.

But then came the best news
he'd heard in a long time.

And did you hear?

They laid off
everybody on the eighth floor.

I know. It's a ghost town down there.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Hey, that was fun last night.

Word, that was a good one.

Mental note: don't throw out
the pizza box more often.

All right, see you later.

So, last night, Robin left a pizza box
out on the floor,

- so we had sex three times.
- Sure.

And then, this morning
before I left for work...

- we kissed.
- That's weird.

That is weird.

Right?

That kiss violated the spirit
of our whole arrangement. I mean,

she probably thinks
I'm getting feelings for her.

Well, are you?

Yes, I'm in love with her.

Is what you...
That's you, dude.

No. It didn't mean anything.

It was just some leftover reflex
from when we were a couple.

But I think I probably blew it.

Definitely.

It is so over.

Hold the phone. Maybe Robin
didn't think it was weird.

It was weird.
Weird...

W-I-E-R-D. Weird.

That's not how you spell "weird."

Come on, Lily.
Nobody likes a Ted.

I tried to warn you.

When exes relapse,
someone always gets hurt.

But no one listened.

Story of my life.

My cuteness interferes with people
hearing my message.

Well, what should I do?

There's only one thing to do.

You have to stop sleeping together,
please.

I think we have to stop
sleeping together.

With me and Ted,
it's like cigarettes.

You have one when you're drunk
and you think it's fine.

But before you know it,
you're buying a carton a week.

I think I have to end it.

I have to end it.

So...

We're ending it...?

I think so, yeah.

It's probably for the best.

It was fun, but

- I don't want things to get weird.
- Me neither.

- Roomies?
- Roomies.

But we tell no one.

Deal?

- Deal.
- Deal.

- Dude!
- Come on!

What is the matter with you?

That one.

So, that didn't last long.

By the way, Marshall, what were
you doing back in our apartment?

I thought you had
the perfect situation.

I did.

Everything was going great.

I was feeling more comfortable,
more confident.

I felt I could take on the world.

One morning, I took my magazine
down to the eighth floor.

We gotta gut this whole place.

I need these walls taken out

here

and here.

You got it.

Celebrities pick up their dry cleaning?

I pick up my dry cleaning.

Don't come in!

So that didn't last long.

- Thanks.
- What are you doing?

Well, since all these

roomie squabbles
are still causing friction

between you and Robin,
I thought I'd help out.

BTW, I went by the post office today.

I picked you up some stamps.

Here's ten thousand.
That oughta do.

Thanks, I guess.

You want a beer?

Yeah, I picked those up on the way over.
It was nothing.

Did you buy us a dishwasher?

That dishwasher's always been there.
How long have you lived here?

So, you're doing all this to keep
me and Robin from fighting, huh?

Exactly.

I worry about you two.

It bothers you that Robin and I
are hooking up, doesn't it?

Not at all.
That's crazy.

What?

Are you in love with Robin?

You're in love with Robin.

That's why you don't want us
hooking up.

What? That is crazy talk.

Can't a bro clean another bro's
apartment like bros do?

Name me one bro in the history of bros
who has ever done that.

I'll name two,

Misters Clean and Belvedere.

Look, this thing with me and Robin,
it's totally casual.

I'm not gonna freak out if you tell me
you have feelings for her.

So, do you?

No. No, I don't. I don't, no.
I don't. I don't. No.

Robin is all yours, dude.
Have fun with her.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go sleep with other girls.

- Are you sure?
- Yes!

Positive?

Absolutely.

And then I stormed out.

Why did I do that?

I mean, maybe it goes back
to my father issues, but...

I basically gave my best friend license

to have sex with the girl of my dreams.

I totally sabotaged myself.

And now I'm smoking.

Now I'm smoking.

Get out.

But it's feelings hour
and I'm holding Feely the Share Bear.

And whoever's holding
Feely the Share Bear

gets to sit in the share chair.

Barney, this is not your private
therapist's office.

These kids have issues
to talk about, too, you know.

Ben's parents are getting divorced.

They are?

Who wants to do some coloring?

Great, did Lily send you?
I don't have the bear, okay?

I'm not giving it back!

Why are you smiling?

I just...

read a magazine.

Here at work.

What?

Yeah. It's the funniest thing.

I was online,
looking up rates for hotels

when I realized something.

This is stupid.

I decided it was time to let go
of my hang-ups and

do the thing I gotta do
and once I made that decision,

everything changed.

There's a young man
who's comfortable with who he is.

I know what you're about to do
and I respect you for it.

Hey, Eriksen.
Go the distance.

You made a brave step today.

Remember what
Shakespeare wrote,

"Virtue is bold,
and goodness never fearful."

You're right,

Super hot lady who my wife
keeps telling me why you're famous

but I keep forgetting.

Let's do this.

Lead the way.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

I was gonna have to do it eventually.
You know, sometimes you just gotta...

you gotta man up and...

and just go for it.

I have to go.

By the way, I have a bathroom here
if you ever want to use it.

Son of a...

I have to tell you the truth.

I'm in love with...
tacos.

What are you doing?

I'm taking out the triz-ash.

If you're... looking for Ted, he left.

And...

our little arrangement is... over,

- by the way.
- Really? That's awes... ful.

- Awfsful?
- Yeah, it's just awfsful.

What happened?

He just insisted.

He said he couldn't do it anymore
because "someone's gonna get hurt."

I think we all know
who he meant by that.

Do we?

Isn't it obvious?

Is it?

It's Ted.

You know what a romantic he is.

He can't separate the physical
from the emotional.

- He's all like...
- I love you.

Exactly.

He's not like you, you know?

Besides, we're friends.

I don't want to screw that up
by getting involved.

Dating friends never works out.

So... you want to get a taco?

A taco?

You love them, rember?

Right.

Come on, I'm hungry.

So Robin and I went back
to just being roommates

and things went back to normal.

Your Aunt Lily was right.

When two exes decide to just be casual,

someone always gets hurt.

It just wasn't one of us.