How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 4, Episode 11 - Little Minnesota - full transcript

It's freezing out there.
Where's your coat?

I'm Canadian.
I don't need a coat.

This kind of weather
is nothing for me.

This is like a spring day back
in Minnesota,

if it weren't for all the taxis and
the skyscrapers and non-white people.

There aren't any black people
in Minnesota?

Not if Prince is on tour.

Sync by vNaru

Well, my sister's plane got
in an hour ago,

or as a meteorologist might say,

Hurricane Heather has
just made landfall.

Come on. She's not that bad.

Here's the back
of Heather's baseball card.

It took her six years to graduate
from three different colleges,

during which time she wrecked
two cars, got married for five days,

and lived in a tree for nine weeks,
only to realize

that no one had any intention
of cutting it down.

And now, Heather says
she's moving to New York.

That's big news.

She's never gonna
go through with it.

Remember a few years back when
she talked about transferring to NYU?

And then, on the day
of the admissions interview...

Where's my couch and my TV?

I sold them for
Nine Inch Nails tickets.

The TV alone is worth two grand.

Well, a last-minute plane ticket
is expensive.

- Wait. Where are you?
- Somewhere in Spain.

Gotta go. Slow song.

Oh, crap.

- It's Barney.
- So?

For all the years
Heather's been visiting New York,

Ted's never let Barney meet her.

And I never will.

Every year when the Mosby family
Christmas card shows up...

Pulling down her pants
Yanking off my own

Underneath the mistletoe
I'll make your sister moan

Oh! Heather's hot, Heather's hot
We'll go all the way...

I wish I could see her naked

I wish I could see her naked

I wish I could see her naked

And down on all fours.

Ted has a little sister
Gets hotter every day

And if I ever meet her
With her boobies I will play!

Everybody!
Sister, sister, sister!

What? I can celebrate
Hanukkah, too.

It's him again.

I should probably get it.

Hey. What's on tap for tonight?

We're heading over
to Marshall and Lily's

for a Kathy Bates movie marathon,
but not Misery.

You wanna join us?

He hung up.

- It's great to see you.
- Hey, kiddo. You look great.

How are things back home?

Well, I moved into your old room.

Did you know that
you can see strange

Mrs. Gottwald's bedroom
across the street?

I am aware of that.
How's she looking?

- Ted, she's 62.
- Answer the question.

Surprisingly perky.

Man, it is cold out there.

Why, hello.

I've been waiting for you.

Wait a second.
That's not our chair.

Did you bring that chair yourself?

I need one that swivels.

How did you even know
Heather was coming into town?

Never tell me anything!

You know I can't keep secrets
around Christmas!

Robin's giving you an iPod!

Can I chat with you
for a sec in the kitchen?

No one touch the chair.
It's a rental.

I can't believe you've been hiding
your sister from me all these years.

Do you blame me?

You're like Weird Al Yankovic

if he only wrote Christmas songs
about banging my sister.

Okay. First of all,
I'm flattered.

Secondly, they're just jokes.

A bro can joke
about another bro's sister.

It doesn't mean
I'm ever gonna act on it.

I love my sister,
and as her older brother,

it's my job to protect her
from guys like you.

You don't trust me, do you?

- And I don't trust her either.
- Fine. Great.

I guess I'll just...

take my chair and go.

Wait... Stop... Come back...

Lily and I are taking Heather out
for dinner on Sunday.

Do you wanna come?

I already called Hurley's
and added a fourth.

- You really can't tell Lily anything.
- No, you can't tell her...

That year, the holidays were really
making Aunt Robin miss Canada,

so Marshall brought her
to the spot

he went whenever he got homesick
for Minnesota:

The Walleye Saloon.

Evening, everybody.

Meet Robin.

Go back to drinking.

- What's up, Marshall?
- Hey, what's u...? Whoa! Bud!

What's with the hitch
in your giddyap?

I was playing some hockey today.

Tore up something in my knee.

Did you go to the hospital?

I just poured some beer on it.

Can't miss the Vikes game.
Twin Cities!

I love the guys here.
They're real men.

No hair products or manicures.

All New York guys are like 10% girl.

Come on.
That seems a little unfair.

I'll have the vichyssoise with just
a soup?on of cr?me fra?che.

Too much dairy
and I tend to bloat.

I found an apartment today.

Really?

And I was hoping you'd have

a little more wine in you before
I asked you this, but...

I need you to co-sign the lease.

Let me think about it.

That means he's not
going to do it.

I could really use your help on this.

Let's talk about this later, okay?

Don't hold your breath.

What is it?

You don't trust me?

You're my sister.

Now he's just stating a fact.

Look, Ted,

I am serious about a career
in finance, but..

You just keep looking at me like I'm

a four-year-old who says
she wants to be an astronaut.

I just don't think
you have any idea

how tough it is to make
it in New York.

Exactly. You need connections.

If only Ted knew someone
who worked at, say...

Goliath National Bank,
then... wait.

What?

I work at Goliath National Bank.
How 'bout that?

All right.

We got two Bemidji Pale Ales and...

who ordered the mini-burgers?

Oh, my God!
Is that Fisherman's Quest?

I used to play FQ
all the time back home!

I kinda have high score.

Not to brag, but I caught...

a 35-inch northern pike.

The biggest video fish
anyone's ever reeled in.

I mean... freshwater.

A tip of the angler's cap, my friend.

Thank you for bringing me here.

Those are mine.

This is not a good idea.

Heather and Barney alone in his office?

And I certainly don't want to be
on the hook for her lease.

She is growing up.
You just can't see it yet.

We're talking about a girl
who was busted for shoplifting

eight months ago.

Ted, a lot of women
go through a shoplifting phase.

And sure, maybe to this day,

they swipe the occasional
smaller item

because it turns them on in a weird way
that they can't quite explain.

But...

if it'll make you feel better,
I'll tag along to GNB tomorrow.

I'll say I'm having lunch
with Marshall,

but actually,
I'll be spying on her and Barney.

I'm good with that.

Good luck tomorrow at GNB.
I'm sure you'll knock 'em dead.

And I'll be spying on you guys.

Damn it!

"I'm drinking till I forget the
1999 NFC Championship"?

That game.

The Vikings were two minutes away
from going to the Super Bowl,

when our kicker, who hadn't missed
all year, shanked a field goal,

and we lost in overtime.
Damn!

'99 NFC Championship game?

Damn!

My dad, who I'd never seen cry my
whole life, wiped away a tear.

He said...

"A little part of me just died, son."

I love how intense you guys are
about your Vikings.

It's like when we watch
hockey night in Canada...

What?

Don't let anyone in here know
that you're not from Minnesota.

Why? What are they gonna do
if they find out I'm from...

Does this look like a Dallas bar
to you, pal?

It's weird, but there's something
comforting about being carried like this.

Man, can you believe that guy?

So, Robin, where are you from?

Bemidji.

Bemidji, Minnesota.
Go, Vikes!

Kids, for what happened next,
I'm gonna jump ahead a couple days.

That is a pretty sweet briefcase.

That's a pretty sweet
security camera, too.

And there's another one.
And a guard.

I'm planning on paying for it, Ted.

Well, you don't have the job yet.

That door's a push, not a pull.

There you go.

Thanks again for keeping an eye
on her yesterday.

Look, maybe I was wrong.

She sounds like
she handled Barney just fine.

Maybe she'll be able
to handle New York.

No thanks necessary!

Why not?

I have a secret.
No, I don't!

Nothing happened.
Something happened.

What happened?

Nothing.
After Heather's interview,

I went to say hi to Marshall
for a few minutes,

and when I came back...

Oh, my God!

Before you say or do anything,
I beg you one favor.

What?

Get off that.
It's Prada.

- I am so sorry.
- I knew it.

I knew it all along.
She is still the same,

irresponsible train wreck
that she always was,

- and when I see Barney...
- You won't say a word.

Heather begged me not to tell you.

She will hate my guts
if she knows that I blabbed.

I love that briefcase,
but I can't afford it.

You were right, Ted.

- I certainly was.
- See?

She didn't get the briefcase!
That's responsible!

And there's almost no way she
had sex with anyone in there.

Turning over a new leaf.

Evening, everybody!

So my dad and I are at the
'99 NFC Championship game.

I say evening, everybody!

And when we missed that
field goal and lost...

- Damn!
- Damn...

my dad, who I had never seen cry
in my entire life,

wiped away a tear and said,

"A little part of me just died, son."

"Son"?

I told it the way
I'm gonna tell my son.

If I'm ever lucky enough
to have a son,

and name him

Rashad Tarkenton.

- Great story.
- Great story!

But it does sound
a little bit familiar.

I know!

They totally ate it up.

- I see what you're doing here.
- What?

I brought you here as a favor
because...

because I felt sorry for you, okay?

And now it's like you're trying
to steal my bar.

You think I'm trying
to steal your bar?

- Get oot.
- "Get oot"?

- What, are you Canadian?
- No, I...

If you want to impersonate a Canadian,

just turn of the lights
and get all scared!

What was that?

Well, with Canada right across
the border,

we Minnesotans sometimes like
to make jokes

at your guys' expense and they're all
sort of along the same theme.

That we're afraid of the dark?

For example:

Hey, everyone, how many Canadians
does it take to change a lightbulb?

"What? Oh, no, the lightbulb's out?!
I'm scared!"

That is insane.

Why do you think the Canadians
are afraid of the dark?

Where does any prejudice
come from, Robin?

A stereotype starts, and all of a sudden
it spreads like wildfire. Like

Asians can't drive,
Scotsmen are cheap,

Brazilians always put on way
too much postage.

I just don't think this is gonna
work out, Robin.

You can't be hanging out
with people who

belittle your beloved homeland, so

I'll walk you out.

Wait, I have something to say.

Hey, everybody.

Let me tell you something
about people from Canada.

Please don't make a scene.

Do you know why Canadians
never get a birthday wish?

Because they're too afraid
to blow out the candles.

Oh, God, I love it here. God.

I think your prospects
at GNB are good.

You certainly made it clear
you're will to take any position.

Are these new coasters?

Well, I hope you get the job.

Nothing gives me more pleasure than
filling an opening.

I swear to God
these coasters are thicker.

Well, I am willing to bend
over backwards.

That's it! I cannot believe
you had sex with my sister!

- You blabbed?!
- Do you know what?

This is a new batch
of the old coasters.

I'm just gonna confirm that
with the bartender.

And you, you're mature
and responsible now?

Is it mature and responsible

to go to your first big job
interview in New York City

and nail a total stranger?

You've always been
immature and irresponsible.

You will always be
immature and irresponsible.

And I wouldn't cosign a library card
for you, let alone a lease.

- Barney and I didn't have sex.
- Save it. Lily saw you.

Or did she?

You see, Ted, you had so little faith
in Heather and me...

We decided to give you
exactly what you expected of us.

And I knew we could
count on Lily to blab.

Oh, my God!

What? Why would you do that?

Because you deserved it.

You know I'm no saint.

And yes, it's true that time I drove
your mother to the airport,

well, let's just say there was a

very confusing, sexually charged
moment in short-term parking,

but I said I would never
go near your sister,

and I meant it.

You should have trusted me.

You're so convinced I'm still
some out-of-control teenager,

you missed the fact I grew up.

I'm gonna find a hotel.

I'll get my things later.

Merry Christmas.

Your mom and I kissed.

Better get a move on.

You got five seconds
to catch two more sturgeon.

We got a possible gill screen.

Forget it. You can't catch two fish
with one hook.

But I can catch one fish

and use that fish
to catch the other one.

High score! You beat Marshall!

She's Canadian!

Robin's Canadian!

She's Canadian.

She's not from Bemidji and she doesn't
know a darn thing about the Vikings.

You're just mad
'cause she got high score.

In the '99 NFC Championship game
when the Vikings lost...

- Damn!
- Oh, damn!

Who was the kicker
who missed the field goal?

He's now retired.
Owns a fly-fishing business...

in Canada.

Good-bye, Robin.

You know what?

I'm glad you found oot

because I'm proud to be Canadian.

We may not have
a fancy NFL team or Prince,

but we invented Trivial Pursuit.

You're welcome, Earth!

Plus in Canada,
you can go to an all-nude strip club

and order alcohol.

That's right.

From Moosejaw to the Bay of Fundy,
you can suck down a 20-ounce pilsner

while watching some coal miner's daughter
strip down to her pelt.

Jealous?!

In Canada people don't care
where you're from,

as long as you're friendly and
maybe loan them a smoke or

hand over a donut.

I'm proud to be
from the Great White North...

and I wish
I was there right now.

And we're not afraid of the dark.

I mean, we don't love it,
but who does?

Merry Christmas.

Look inside.

You just,

if you push it towards the...
not down, towards the middle.

- Don't need your help.
- Got it.

You signed the lease.

You know why?

Because you trust me
and think it's a great idea?

Because I want
to get to know you.

The new you.

By the way,
in your new neighborhood,

you really should get a
good solid deadbolt for the door.

If you want...

to live.

I'm so sorry for what happened
back there.

I acted like a total jerk.

- I shouldn't have said anything.
- No, look, I'msorry.

That was your place.
I shouldn't have tried to make it mine.

Just every year at the holidays,
I get homesick.

And so far, every year
I've had a reason to stay,

a boyfriend, a job,

or something.

But this year for the first time,
I don't.

Yes, you do.

What?

We all love you, okay?

If you ever moved back to Canada,
we would hop on a plane,

we would track you down, and

after Barney dragged us to a few
of those strip clubs you talked about,

we would bring you back right here
where you're supposed to be. It's...

it's not New York
without Robin Scherbatsky.

I just miss it there sometimes.

I wish I could blink my eyes and be back
in Canada for an hour, you know?

I was hoping you would say that.

Once, there was this girl who

Wouldn't go and change
With the girls

- in the change room...
- How did you find this place?

- Feels like home, right?
- There's one way to find out.

Well, sorry there. Didn't see ya.
Are you okay?

- I'm fine.
- Okay, sorry aboot that.

Have a donut on the hoose.

You bumped into him,
and he apologized

and gave you a donut on the hoose?

It's just like home.

It's gonna be fine!

No one likes the dark.

Next up from Ontario,

Marshall Erickson.

I didn't know you signed up.
What are you gonna sing?

I think you'll recognize it.

But that's okay,
I'm gonna rock your body anyway

I'm gonna rock your body
till Canada Day!

Buddy, you can turn off the screen.
We know the lyrics.

Everybody come and play

Throw every last care away

Let's go to the mall

today!