How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 9 - Slapsgiving - full transcript
Thanksgiving 2007 is a special one for Lily as the first with Marshall and Lily as Mr. & Mrs. It is also the first with the five friends spending it together, which they hope will become a tradition, except that Robin has invited Bob, the 41-year old she has just started dating. The potential tradition may seem a little different for Robin and Ted as after six months of no longer being a couple, they still haven't gotten to a stage of feeling comfortable with each other in a friends situation. They can't even spend time alone together without that awkward feeling. After they break that awkwardness with an unforeseen act the night before Thanksgiving, they have to come to an understanding about whether they truly are friends or if spending time together now is just a matter of convenience. And Marshall has something extra to be thankful for this Thanksgiving Day. He he renamed this particular Thanksgiving "Slapsgiving". He previously won a bet with Barney allowing him to slap Barney five times. Two slaps have already occurred. But Marshall has set up a countdown clock to when he will provide Barney with slap number three on the middle of Thanksgiving.
Back when we were dating,
Robin and I had this running joke
We were the only two people in
the world who found it funny
No way March just not have 31 days
Yes it does everyone knows that
it's like general knowledge
general knowledge
And we did it all the time
Isn't it sad that I mean
in 2007 some countries...
actually still condone corporal punishment
corporal punishment
Because once you start,
it's surprisingly hard to stop
Oh man I got kernel stuck in my teeth
kernel stuck in my teeth
But now we were broken
up so when Marshall said
but after the first year
i get a major pay raise
We just let it slide
You see on the surface, Robin and I
look like we were doing great
But the truth is trying to be friends with
your ex is a lot hard than it looks.
You can't be as candid as you used to be.
So then this hot intern leans over my desk,
I can totally see she has a pierced...
Brosnan.
Pierce Brosnan is my
favorite of all the Bonds.
But most importantly, you can
never, ever be alone together.
I gotta go.
I'm gonna go pay.
Peeing.
- I'm gonna help Marshall pay.
- I'm gonna help Lily pee.
All right, we have a turkey.
Yeah, we do.
Isn't this exciting?
Our first Thanksgiving together as a group.
Yeah, this is gonna be
the best Slapsgiving ever.
What?
I said this is going to be
the best Thanksgiving ever.
Yeah, this is going to be great.
Just the five of us, right?
Oh, uh, that reminds me: I invited Bob.
Bob?
You've been on, like, three
dates with that guy.
We haven't even met him.
Well, he didn't have anywhere else
to go, and I didn't know what to say.
- Is it really that big a deal?
- Yes.
This is our first Thanksgiving.
30 years from now, we're going
to look at the photos and say,
"Oh, there's the four people I
love most in the world.And Bob."
I'm sorry, sometimes I forget how seriously
you guys take American Thanksgiving.
Real Thanksgiving
happened over a month ago.
I'm sorry.
Did you just say Canadian
Thanksgiving was and I'm quoting,
"the real Thanksgiving"?
What do Canadians even
have to celebrate about?
Canadian Thanksgiving celebrates
explorer Martin Frobisher's valiant yet
ultimately unsuccessful attempt
to find the Northwest Passage.
Why are you guys even a country?
Oh, hey, by the way, if anyone
wants to come over early Thursday,
we can watch the Slapsgiving Day Parade.
Well, there, you said it again.
Said what?
Slapsgiving.
Oh, I guess I did.
You know why? I've invented
a new holiday: Slapsgiving.
It's the one day we set aside each
year to gather together and give slaps.
I should explain.
Kids, you remember the slap bet.
A yearlier, Marshall made a bet with Barney
and won the right to slap him five times.
He had already used the first.
And the second.
But Marshall had something
special in store for the third.
No.
No, no.
The countdown ends at 3:00
p.m. the day after Thanksgiving.
I counted it out.
How many days are in October?
Uh, thirty.
Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year.
I like Halloween very much. Is nice.
Is also tomorrow.
Damn it!
Wait, you're gonna slap
me on Thanksgiving?
Slapsgiving.
That's not allowed.
Lily, you're the Slap Bet
Commissioner, is that allowed?
The hostess in me who's
using her wedding...
china for the first time wants to say hell, no,
but yeah,I'm going to allow it.
Well, you know what?
If you're trying to freak me out
about spending Thanksgiving...
Slapsgiving.
At your place, then you failed.
- Truth is,I'm not scared.
- Really?
Right. 'Cause you blew it.
The worst part about getting slapped is
not knowing when it's going to happen.
But now I know exactly
when I'm gonna get slapped.
So, you took all the suspense out.
You showed your hand.
And Thursday at 3:01 p.m.
your face is going to show my hand.
Oh, there's Bob!
By the way, heads up, he's
a little bit older than us.
How old is he?
He's forty-one.
Hey, Bob! Over here!
Okay, kids, the truth is, Bob
probably looked like this.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hi.
But when your ex is dating
someone new, your...
mind tends to accentuate their flaws.
This is how I saw Bob.
Hey, dudes, what's crackin'?
- Hey, man, how are you?
- Good to meet you.
Sorry I'm late.
I just got off the phone with my parents.
Parents?
They were totally on my case:
"What are you gonna do with
your life? You're forty-one."
And I'm like,"Chillax, snowboarding
is a legit career.
You ought to be stoked I found my bliss."
And speaking of bliss, sugar me, baby.
Let's go get a drink.
Unbelievable.
Robin is dating Orville Redenbacher.
What are you talking about?
He's forty-one. He looks great.
Yeah, du he's in pretty good shape.
probably could kick your ass.
How are you guys not seeing this?
He's 150; Robin's 27.
Barney, come on, what do you got?
Nothing but respect for that man.
Oh, by the way, we're all baking
pies at Robin's tomorrow.
Marshall can't be trusted in the
apartment with pies overnight.
For the millionth time, sleep-eating is a...
very serious and delicious
medical condition.
Hey, uh, what time are you
guys going to Robin's?
7:30.
Perfect. Just to be safe,I'll
get there like 8:00,8:30.
{6}9:30 pm
Sorry I'm late.
Where are Marshall and Lily?
Uh, they just called.
They're both super swamped
preparing for tomorrow.
Is Bob coming?
No, he went to see Green Day.
So it's...
- Just the two of us.
- just the two of us.
- Making pies.
- Pies.
They're things that friends make together.
Yeah, they do.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Yeah.
Great. Well, this is great.
It'll give us a chance to catch up.
Yeah.
- I'm going to make a phone call.
- I'll put it in t oven.
Hey, it's me.
Listen, you have to come
over here and make pies.
Yeah,I'll be there, absolutely.
Oh, awesome, you're a lifesaver.
It's still kind of weird being alone
with Robin, but if you were here...
Hey, say no more.
I mean, when I pulled you
out of that burning wreckage,
I wasn't doing it to have
a battleship named after me.
But if you insist, yes,I'll
be there for the christening.
You're hitting on someone
right now, aren't you?
No,I'm not going to
wear the medal of honor.
That would just be tacky.
So you're not coming to make pies.
No, no.
Thank you, Mr.President.
Sorry.
After a very long night, it
was finally the big holiday.
Sorry, the two big holidays.
Oh, Marshall, are you working
on the cranberry sauce?
In a minute, baby.
I've only got so many hands.
You see what I got going on here?
They're turkeys, but they're also hands,
because later, we're going to eat turkey...
and then I'm going to slap you in your face.
Please, you took out all the suspense.
In a horror movie, the killer does
not grab a bullhorn and announce,
Attention unsupervised
teens here at the lake house:
At precisely 3:00 a.m. I'm gonna
jump out of that closet right there
and hack you all up with a machete.
P.S. Fire is my one weakness.
Hey, Ted.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- You, too.
- Is Lily in the kitchen?
- Yep.
Great.
- Marshall?
- Lily?
- Yeah?
- Uh-huh?
- Something really weird
happened last night.
Something really weird
happened last night.
what you mean something
weird happened last night?
You may not realize this,
but since we broke up,
Robin and I have never
really been alone together.
So we're in the kitchen, starting
on the pies, and we realize,
we don't have a damn
thing to say to each other.
I mean, you can't talk about
how close you used to be.
You can't talk about
how close you're not now.
You just feel like everything you
say is gonna make things worse.
Exactly.
And you know why?
Because you don't want
to hurt someone you...
really care about, especially
around the holidays.
I mean, what decent human
being would want to...
cause any kind of emotional
or physical pain...
You're still getting slapped.
I wanted to leave, but I couldn't stick
her with making all the pies by herself.
She was exhausted.
I yawned like a million times
trying to get him to leave.
Yeah, some people just can't take a hint.
By the way,I'm really swamped in here.
I kept looking at the clock
and sighing... totally clueless.
I'm not sure I have time
to mash those potatoes,
- you're standing right next to.
- And then Ted does the thing that
- he always does when
there's an awkward silence.
Yep.
Masher's right there, next to the pot.
He panics and says the first
thing that pops into his head.
Hey, did you know that the first pies in
recorded history came from ancient Egypt?
Remember last year's Thanksgiving,
when we had sex seven times?
- Terrible.
- What?
I thought it would break the ice.
I'd already broken the
ice with my cool pie fact.
Then he makes it ten times more awkward.
How do you respond to
something like that?
Did you know that the Egyptian
pyramids can be seen from space?
Probably?
Ooh, the oven's pre-heated!
Okay, um...
the pecan pie is gonna take the longest.
Why don't we put that one in first?
Pecan pie? Why are we making that?
Um, it's my favorite.
- You're allergic.
- I know.
I just like smelling it.
It's like eating with your nose.
So we're making a pie for Bob.
Well... yeah.
- She's got you making pies for this guy?
- Yeah.
That is a real slap in the face.
You know, you could have
just told me it was for Bob.
Yeah,I-I just thought it might upset you.
Upset me?
Wait a second.
Do you think that...
do you think that I'm jealous of Bob?
I don't know.
Is it so ridiculous to
think that you might be?
- Yes.
- Why?
Because he's a thousand years old.
- No, Ted, what are you doing?
- Right?
The only reason I'm jealous of Bob is that...
we can only talk about
the first Thanksgiving,
but he was actually there.
Come on.
The only reason I'm
jealous of Bob is because
I heard Noah gave him shotgun in the ark.
Ted...
The only reason I'm jealous of
Bob is that I'm just an architect,
but he discovered fire.
How do you top that?
He's 41!
Why are you bashing on him so hard?
I'm not. I'm just joking around.
That's what friends do.
It's mean.
Well, how come we're all allowed to bust
on Barney when he dates some skanktron,
but when you sleep with the Crypt
Keeper's dad,I'm not
allowed to say a word?
First of all, Bob and I
are not sleeping together.
We're just dating.
Secondly, have I said one word about
the parade of dubious conquests
you've been marching past
me the last few months?
One of whom got you a butterfly tattoo?
- Hey, that is...
- And if you and I are such good friends...
why is baking a pie for Bob so weird?
Yeah, if you and I are such good friends,
why couldn't you just tell
me that's what we were doing?
Okay, maybe we should talk about this later.
I-I should get going.
Well, what are we doing?
It's Thanksgiving.
I don't know. I'm sorry.
- This is stupid.
- I'm sorry, too.
Of course we're friends.
- I'm glad we're friends.
- Me too
you guys slept together last night?
That is a terrible idea!
Horrible idea.
Relapse five!
That's where we high-five, then
it's awkward for a little bit...
and then we high-five again!
What the hell were you doing?
Let's review: You and Ted
broke up six months ago,
Yep.
you're dating another man...
You are correct, sir.
who's coming to my Thanksgiving today...
That is a truth-fact.
an event Ted is also attending.
Ka-blammo.
Why are you trying to
destroy American Thanksgiving?
Oh, Lily, it's not as bad as it sounds.
Bob anl aren't that serious, and what
happened last night with Ted was a fluke.
Well, did you guys at least talk about it?
- There's office material...
- I hear something burning...
Clearly, we need to ignore this.
Clearly, we need to talk about this.
You know? To save the friendship.
- We need to talk.
- Stuffed mushroom?
We need to talk about last night.
Did you know thatsome
mushrooms are carnivorous?
Probably... Not?
Ted, can we please just deal with this?
Look,I'mad. I just think...
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why would you be mad... you started it?
What? You're crazy!
We called a truce, we hugged,
and when I tried to pull away, you
kept your hand on my neck.
Only because your hand
was still around my waist.
Oh, come on! You leaned into it.
- I... leaned into it?
- Yeah.
You're like the crappy kid in Little League
who knows he's not going to make contact,
so he just...
"Oops, I got hit by the
pitch. Better take my base.
Oh, that was you in Little League, wasn't it?
My on-base percentage was off the charts!
Oh, no! The slap-petizers.
You know what? That's it!
This is Thanksgiving.
Solve this right now.
And if you have sex
again, neither of you gets dessert!
Oh, what the hell kind of
Thanksgiving is this anyway?
Um, most Thanksgivings.
Don't stress, baby.
I'll try to find us something relaxing.
Thanks, baby.
Ooh, some classical music, maybe.
Oh, my! Look at that.
That means we're in the
final hour of the countdown.
I'm not scared.
Then why is your right cheek twitching?
It's not...
Maybe it's because Future
Me slaps Future You so hard,
it reverberates back to the
present, shattering the time-slap continuum.
Please don't slap me.
I'm sorry, what?
Oh, God! Don't slap me again!
I don't want to get slapped again, and the
first two times hurt so bad, I don't like it!
I don't like it one bit!
I thought I ruined it by
putting a clock on it, Barney?
Well, you didn't ruin it;
you made it so much worse!
I can't eat. I can't sleep.
I've lost ten pounds;
my suits are wearing me.
You know what? I'm outta here.
Well, no, no, no. You can't leave.
Why can't I?
Nowhere in the rules does it say that I
have to sit through sort of mental torture!
You are allowed to slap my face, sir,
but you are not allowed
to slap my mind! Good day!
- But it's Slapsgiving.
- No!
It's Thanksgiving!
Our first one as a married
couple, as grownups...
and you're not even trying to be a part of it!
None of you are!
So...
as Slap Bet Commissioner,I'm
issuing a ruling.
Thanksgiving is a day of peace.
There will be no slaps today!
- What?
- Yes!
In your face!
Not my face... your face!
What's up, dudes?
Hey, Bob.
- Baby, please...
- No!
The Slap Bet Commissioner's word is final,
so get in the kitchen and
mash some potatoes, now.
And for the rest of the day, we are going
to enjoy a civilized, grownup holiday.
Not too grownup.
I made Jell-O shots.
We's gonna get silly, bitches.
Look at us!
We can't be alone together, can we?
Apparently not.
What does that mean?
We're supposed to be friends.
Well... We aren't friends, are we?
Not really. We avoid each other.
We smile politely.
We're two people who pretend to be friends
because it would be inconvenient not to.
Well, maybe we should stop pretending.
Maybe we should.
So...
Oh, what do we do now?
I suppose... we eat dinner.
Yeah.
And then that's it.
Okay.
Happy Thanksgiving.
So we sat down to our first
Thanksgiving together as a group...
and, apparently, our last.
Marshall, you're not eating.
Did something spoil your slap-petite?
No, I just thought...
before we eat, maybe the chef
would like to say a few words.
Nope. This sucks.Eat up and leave.
Well, then,I'd like to say something.
If that's cool?
today, Lily did something great.
Not only did she gather us all here
together and cook a delicious meal,
but she also started a new tradition.
We're gonna do this again next
year, and the year after that...
maybe for the rest of our lives.
I think that's pretty
amazing if you think about it.
And it's all thanks to you, Lily.
I love you.
So, to the first of many
Thanksgivings together.
This is rad!
A nice, small, simple Thanksgiving.
I'm the youngest of ten in my
family, so our Thanksgiving is a mess.
All the yelling and the screaming...
And then a funny thing happened...
It's really a major buzz-kill.
- Major Buzz-kill.
- Major Buzz-kill.
Oh, no...
I thought we were done with that?
I guess we're not.
Guess we're not.
You see kids, friendship
is an involuntary reflex...
it just happens, you can't help it.
That first Thanksgiving turned
out to be a wonderful...
dinner with the four people
I love most in the world...
and Bob.
And it did become a tradition.
That's why every year, we go to Aunt Lily
and Uncle Marshall's for Thanksgiving.
Hey, check it out!
We're in the last 20 seconds of
Marshall's countdown to nothing.
Barney, put it away.
How does it feel, Marshall, to
sit there, impotently...
your large, flaccid hand, just
dangling in the wind?
The slap will occur in ten...
Ooh, classy touch, dude. Too bad!
Barney, put it away.
I will in... five...
four...
You can slap him.
What?
Wait, you...
That's three!
Thanks, baby, you're the best.
And as a special, added bonus, I've
composed a song just for this occasion.
Ted, lights!
* What is this feelin' *
* That's put you in your place? *
* A hot, red burnin' on the side of your face *
* You feel the blood rush to your cheek *
* Tears start to fill your eyes *
* And your lips are tremblin' *
* But you can't speak, you're tryin' *
* Oh, you're tryin' *
* Not to cry! *
* Ya just got sla-apped *
* Across the face, my friend *
* You just got slapped *
* Yes, that really * * Just happened *
* Everybody saw it *
* And everybody laughed and clapped *
* It was awesome *
* Wait, you just got... *
* Slapped. *
Happy Slapsgiving, everybody.
well guys have fun
well this is gonna be a major clean-up
major clean-up
Oh, man we're gonna be doing
this all the time now, aren't we?
that's the general idea
general idea
Robin and I had this running joke
We were the only two people in
the world who found it funny
No way March just not have 31 days
Yes it does everyone knows that
it's like general knowledge
general knowledge
And we did it all the time
Isn't it sad that I mean
in 2007 some countries...
actually still condone corporal punishment
corporal punishment
Because once you start,
it's surprisingly hard to stop
Oh man I got kernel stuck in my teeth
kernel stuck in my teeth
But now we were broken
up so when Marshall said
but after the first year
i get a major pay raise
We just let it slide
You see on the surface, Robin and I
look like we were doing great
But the truth is trying to be friends with
your ex is a lot hard than it looks.
You can't be as candid as you used to be.
So then this hot intern leans over my desk,
I can totally see she has a pierced...
Brosnan.
Pierce Brosnan is my
favorite of all the Bonds.
But most importantly, you can
never, ever be alone together.
I gotta go.
I'm gonna go pay.
Peeing.
- I'm gonna help Marshall pay.
- I'm gonna help Lily pee.
All right, we have a turkey.
Yeah, we do.
Isn't this exciting?
Our first Thanksgiving together as a group.
Yeah, this is gonna be
the best Slapsgiving ever.
What?
I said this is going to be
the best Thanksgiving ever.
Yeah, this is going to be great.
Just the five of us, right?
Oh, uh, that reminds me: I invited Bob.
Bob?
You've been on, like, three
dates with that guy.
We haven't even met him.
Well, he didn't have anywhere else
to go, and I didn't know what to say.
- Is it really that big a deal?
- Yes.
This is our first Thanksgiving.
30 years from now, we're going
to look at the photos and say,
"Oh, there's the four people I
love most in the world.And Bob."
I'm sorry, sometimes I forget how seriously
you guys take American Thanksgiving.
Real Thanksgiving
happened over a month ago.
I'm sorry.
Did you just say Canadian
Thanksgiving was and I'm quoting,
"the real Thanksgiving"?
What do Canadians even
have to celebrate about?
Canadian Thanksgiving celebrates
explorer Martin Frobisher's valiant yet
ultimately unsuccessful attempt
to find the Northwest Passage.
Why are you guys even a country?
Oh, hey, by the way, if anyone
wants to come over early Thursday,
we can watch the Slapsgiving Day Parade.
Well, there, you said it again.
Said what?
Slapsgiving.
Oh, I guess I did.
You know why? I've invented
a new holiday: Slapsgiving.
It's the one day we set aside each
year to gather together and give slaps.
I should explain.
Kids, you remember the slap bet.
A yearlier, Marshall made a bet with Barney
and won the right to slap him five times.
He had already used the first.
And the second.
But Marshall had something
special in store for the third.
No.
No, no.
The countdown ends at 3:00
p.m. the day after Thanksgiving.
I counted it out.
How many days are in October?
Uh, thirty.
Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year.
I like Halloween very much. Is nice.
Is also tomorrow.
Damn it!
Wait, you're gonna slap
me on Thanksgiving?
Slapsgiving.
That's not allowed.
Lily, you're the Slap Bet
Commissioner, is that allowed?
The hostess in me who's
using her wedding...
china for the first time wants to say hell, no,
but yeah,I'm going to allow it.
Well, you know what?
If you're trying to freak me out
about spending Thanksgiving...
Slapsgiving.
At your place, then you failed.
- Truth is,I'm not scared.
- Really?
Right. 'Cause you blew it.
The worst part about getting slapped is
not knowing when it's going to happen.
But now I know exactly
when I'm gonna get slapped.
So, you took all the suspense out.
You showed your hand.
And Thursday at 3:01 p.m.
your face is going to show my hand.
Oh, there's Bob!
By the way, heads up, he's
a little bit older than us.
How old is he?
He's forty-one.
Hey, Bob! Over here!
Okay, kids, the truth is, Bob
probably looked like this.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hi.
But when your ex is dating
someone new, your...
mind tends to accentuate their flaws.
This is how I saw Bob.
Hey, dudes, what's crackin'?
- Hey, man, how are you?
- Good to meet you.
Sorry I'm late.
I just got off the phone with my parents.
Parents?
They were totally on my case:
"What are you gonna do with
your life? You're forty-one."
And I'm like,"Chillax, snowboarding
is a legit career.
You ought to be stoked I found my bliss."
And speaking of bliss, sugar me, baby.
Let's go get a drink.
Unbelievable.
Robin is dating Orville Redenbacher.
What are you talking about?
He's forty-one. He looks great.
Yeah, du he's in pretty good shape.
probably could kick your ass.
How are you guys not seeing this?
He's 150; Robin's 27.
Barney, come on, what do you got?
Nothing but respect for that man.
Oh, by the way, we're all baking
pies at Robin's tomorrow.
Marshall can't be trusted in the
apartment with pies overnight.
For the millionth time, sleep-eating is a...
very serious and delicious
medical condition.
Hey, uh, what time are you
guys going to Robin's?
7:30.
Perfect. Just to be safe,I'll
get there like 8:00,8:30.
{6}9:30 pm
Sorry I'm late.
Where are Marshall and Lily?
Uh, they just called.
They're both super swamped
preparing for tomorrow.
Is Bob coming?
No, he went to see Green Day.
So it's...
- Just the two of us.
- just the two of us.
- Making pies.
- Pies.
They're things that friends make together.
Yeah, they do.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Yeah.
Great. Well, this is great.
It'll give us a chance to catch up.
Yeah.
- I'm going to make a phone call.
- I'll put it in t oven.
Hey, it's me.
Listen, you have to come
over here and make pies.
Yeah,I'll be there, absolutely.
Oh, awesome, you're a lifesaver.
It's still kind of weird being alone
with Robin, but if you were here...
Hey, say no more.
I mean, when I pulled you
out of that burning wreckage,
I wasn't doing it to have
a battleship named after me.
But if you insist, yes,I'll
be there for the christening.
You're hitting on someone
right now, aren't you?
No,I'm not going to
wear the medal of honor.
That would just be tacky.
So you're not coming to make pies.
No, no.
Thank you, Mr.President.
Sorry.
After a very long night, it
was finally the big holiday.
Sorry, the two big holidays.
Oh, Marshall, are you working
on the cranberry sauce?
In a minute, baby.
I've only got so many hands.
You see what I got going on here?
They're turkeys, but they're also hands,
because later, we're going to eat turkey...
and then I'm going to slap you in your face.
Please, you took out all the suspense.
In a horror movie, the killer does
not grab a bullhorn and announce,
Attention unsupervised
teens here at the lake house:
At precisely 3:00 a.m. I'm gonna
jump out of that closet right there
and hack you all up with a machete.
P.S. Fire is my one weakness.
Hey, Ted.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- You, too.
- Is Lily in the kitchen?
- Yep.
Great.
- Marshall?
- Lily?
- Yeah?
- Uh-huh?
- Something really weird
happened last night.
Something really weird
happened last night.
what you mean something
weird happened last night?
You may not realize this,
but since we broke up,
Robin and I have never
really been alone together.
So we're in the kitchen, starting
on the pies, and we realize,
we don't have a damn
thing to say to each other.
I mean, you can't talk about
how close you used to be.
You can't talk about
how close you're not now.
You just feel like everything you
say is gonna make things worse.
Exactly.
And you know why?
Because you don't want
to hurt someone you...
really care about, especially
around the holidays.
I mean, what decent human
being would want to...
cause any kind of emotional
or physical pain...
You're still getting slapped.
I wanted to leave, but I couldn't stick
her with making all the pies by herself.
She was exhausted.
I yawned like a million times
trying to get him to leave.
Yeah, some people just can't take a hint.
By the way,I'm really swamped in here.
I kept looking at the clock
and sighing... totally clueless.
I'm not sure I have time
to mash those potatoes,
- you're standing right next to.
- And then Ted does the thing that
- he always does when
there's an awkward silence.
Yep.
Masher's right there, next to the pot.
He panics and says the first
thing that pops into his head.
Hey, did you know that the first pies in
recorded history came from ancient Egypt?
Remember last year's Thanksgiving,
when we had sex seven times?
- Terrible.
- What?
I thought it would break the ice.
I'd already broken the
ice with my cool pie fact.
Then he makes it ten times more awkward.
How do you respond to
something like that?
Did you know that the Egyptian
pyramids can be seen from space?
Probably?
Ooh, the oven's pre-heated!
Okay, um...
the pecan pie is gonna take the longest.
Why don't we put that one in first?
Pecan pie? Why are we making that?
Um, it's my favorite.
- You're allergic.
- I know.
I just like smelling it.
It's like eating with your nose.
So we're making a pie for Bob.
Well... yeah.
- She's got you making pies for this guy?
- Yeah.
That is a real slap in the face.
You know, you could have
just told me it was for Bob.
Yeah,I-I just thought it might upset you.
Upset me?
Wait a second.
Do you think that...
do you think that I'm jealous of Bob?
I don't know.
Is it so ridiculous to
think that you might be?
- Yes.
- Why?
Because he's a thousand years old.
- No, Ted, what are you doing?
- Right?
The only reason I'm jealous of Bob is that...
we can only talk about
the first Thanksgiving,
but he was actually there.
Come on.
The only reason I'm
jealous of Bob is because
I heard Noah gave him shotgun in the ark.
Ted...
The only reason I'm jealous of
Bob is that I'm just an architect,
but he discovered fire.
How do you top that?
He's 41!
Why are you bashing on him so hard?
I'm not. I'm just joking around.
That's what friends do.
It's mean.
Well, how come we're all allowed to bust
on Barney when he dates some skanktron,
but when you sleep with the Crypt
Keeper's dad,I'm not
allowed to say a word?
First of all, Bob and I
are not sleeping together.
We're just dating.
Secondly, have I said one word about
the parade of dubious conquests
you've been marching past
me the last few months?
One of whom got you a butterfly tattoo?
- Hey, that is...
- And if you and I are such good friends...
why is baking a pie for Bob so weird?
Yeah, if you and I are such good friends,
why couldn't you just tell
me that's what we were doing?
Okay, maybe we should talk about this later.
I-I should get going.
Well, what are we doing?
It's Thanksgiving.
I don't know. I'm sorry.
- This is stupid.
- I'm sorry, too.
Of course we're friends.
- I'm glad we're friends.
- Me too
you guys slept together last night?
That is a terrible idea!
Horrible idea.
Relapse five!
That's where we high-five, then
it's awkward for a little bit...
and then we high-five again!
What the hell were you doing?
Let's review: You and Ted
broke up six months ago,
Yep.
you're dating another man...
You are correct, sir.
who's coming to my Thanksgiving today...
That is a truth-fact.
an event Ted is also attending.
Ka-blammo.
Why are you trying to
destroy American Thanksgiving?
Oh, Lily, it's not as bad as it sounds.
Bob anl aren't that serious, and what
happened last night with Ted was a fluke.
Well, did you guys at least talk about it?
- There's office material...
- I hear something burning...
Clearly, we need to ignore this.
Clearly, we need to talk about this.
You know? To save the friendship.
- We need to talk.
- Stuffed mushroom?
We need to talk about last night.
Did you know thatsome
mushrooms are carnivorous?
Probably... Not?
Ted, can we please just deal with this?
Look,I'mad. I just think...
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why would you be mad... you started it?
What? You're crazy!
We called a truce, we hugged,
and when I tried to pull away, you
kept your hand on my neck.
Only because your hand
was still around my waist.
Oh, come on! You leaned into it.
- I... leaned into it?
- Yeah.
You're like the crappy kid in Little League
who knows he's not going to make contact,
so he just...
"Oops, I got hit by the
pitch. Better take my base.
Oh, that was you in Little League, wasn't it?
My on-base percentage was off the charts!
Oh, no! The slap-petizers.
You know what? That's it!
This is Thanksgiving.
Solve this right now.
And if you have sex
again, neither of you gets dessert!
Oh, what the hell kind of
Thanksgiving is this anyway?
Um, most Thanksgivings.
Don't stress, baby.
I'll try to find us something relaxing.
Thanks, baby.
Ooh, some classical music, maybe.
Oh, my! Look at that.
That means we're in the
final hour of the countdown.
I'm not scared.
Then why is your right cheek twitching?
It's not...
Maybe it's because Future
Me slaps Future You so hard,
it reverberates back to the
present, shattering the time-slap continuum.
Please don't slap me.
I'm sorry, what?
Oh, God! Don't slap me again!
I don't want to get slapped again, and the
first two times hurt so bad, I don't like it!
I don't like it one bit!
I thought I ruined it by
putting a clock on it, Barney?
Well, you didn't ruin it;
you made it so much worse!
I can't eat. I can't sleep.
I've lost ten pounds;
my suits are wearing me.
You know what? I'm outta here.
Well, no, no, no. You can't leave.
Why can't I?
Nowhere in the rules does it say that I
have to sit through sort of mental torture!
You are allowed to slap my face, sir,
but you are not allowed
to slap my mind! Good day!
- But it's Slapsgiving.
- No!
It's Thanksgiving!
Our first one as a married
couple, as grownups...
and you're not even trying to be a part of it!
None of you are!
So...
as Slap Bet Commissioner,I'm
issuing a ruling.
Thanksgiving is a day of peace.
There will be no slaps today!
- What?
- Yes!
In your face!
Not my face... your face!
What's up, dudes?
Hey, Bob.
- Baby, please...
- No!
The Slap Bet Commissioner's word is final,
so get in the kitchen and
mash some potatoes, now.
And for the rest of the day, we are going
to enjoy a civilized, grownup holiday.
Not too grownup.
I made Jell-O shots.
We's gonna get silly, bitches.
Look at us!
We can't be alone together, can we?
Apparently not.
What does that mean?
We're supposed to be friends.
Well... We aren't friends, are we?
Not really. We avoid each other.
We smile politely.
We're two people who pretend to be friends
because it would be inconvenient not to.
Well, maybe we should stop pretending.
Maybe we should.
So...
Oh, what do we do now?
I suppose... we eat dinner.
Yeah.
And then that's it.
Okay.
Happy Thanksgiving.
So we sat down to our first
Thanksgiving together as a group...
and, apparently, our last.
Marshall, you're not eating.
Did something spoil your slap-petite?
No, I just thought...
before we eat, maybe the chef
would like to say a few words.
Nope. This sucks.Eat up and leave.
Well, then,I'd like to say something.
If that's cool?
today, Lily did something great.
Not only did she gather us all here
together and cook a delicious meal,
but she also started a new tradition.
We're gonna do this again next
year, and the year after that...
maybe for the rest of our lives.
I think that's pretty
amazing if you think about it.
And it's all thanks to you, Lily.
I love you.
So, to the first of many
Thanksgivings together.
This is rad!
A nice, small, simple Thanksgiving.
I'm the youngest of ten in my
family, so our Thanksgiving is a mess.
All the yelling and the screaming...
And then a funny thing happened...
It's really a major buzz-kill.
- Major Buzz-kill.
- Major Buzz-kill.
Oh, no...
I thought we were done with that?
I guess we're not.
Guess we're not.
You see kids, friendship
is an involuntary reflex...
it just happens, you can't help it.
That first Thanksgiving turned
out to be a wonderful...
dinner with the four people
I love most in the world...
and Bob.
And it did become a tradition.
That's why every year, we go to Aunt Lily
and Uncle Marshall's for Thanksgiving.
Hey, check it out!
We're in the last 20 seconds of
Marshall's countdown to nothing.
Barney, put it away.
How does it feel, Marshall, to
sit there, impotently...
your large, flaccid hand, just
dangling in the wind?
The slap will occur in ten...
Ooh, classy touch, dude. Too bad!
Barney, put it away.
I will in... five...
four...
You can slap him.
What?
Wait, you...
That's three!
Thanks, baby, you're the best.
And as a special, added bonus, I've
composed a song just for this occasion.
Ted, lights!
* What is this feelin' *
* That's put you in your place? *
* A hot, red burnin' on the side of your face *
* You feel the blood rush to your cheek *
* Tears start to fill your eyes *
* And your lips are tremblin' *
* But you can't speak, you're tryin' *
* Oh, you're tryin' *
* Not to cry! *
* Ya just got sla-apped *
* Across the face, my friend *
* You just got slapped *
* Yes, that really * * Just happened *
* Everybody saw it *
* And everybody laughed and clapped *
* It was awesome *
* Wait, you just got... *
* Slapped. *
Happy Slapsgiving, everybody.
well guys have fun
well this is gonna be a major clean-up
major clean-up
Oh, man we're gonna be doing
this all the time now, aren't we?
that's the general idea
general idea