How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 3 - Third Wheel - full transcript

While by himself at MacLaren's, Ted runs into Trudy, a wild woman with who he once went out. Trudy's old sorority sister Rachel shows up, the two who seem to be competitive with each other. Ted isn't sure if either is into him, so via cell phone, he asks for Marshall, Lily and Barney's advice, they who are at his apartment. It doesn't matter as Ted figures out what they really want is a threesome. Ted brings Trudy and Rachel up to his apartment, where Marshall, Ted and Barney - hiding out in Ted's bedroom - give him advice on how to proceed. Up front with his motivations, Barney has ulterior motives in the advice he gives in his and Ted's quest for what they have coined the championship belt. Meanwhile, Robin has a new dating rule, where she hides her non-shaven legs underneath knee-high boots for three dates with the same guy, so that she will behave i.e. not sleep with him until the fourth date. However, she cries out for help when she changes her mind with her current date, a sexy, foreign-accented doctor.

Kids I know you think you
have ever heard of a story

but there is some stories you tell
and some stories you don't

Oh, my God!...

- Oh, my God...
- Use your words, Ted.

- Okay. Barney, I'm about to go for the belt.
- The belt?

- The belt.
- But that's impossible

Yes!

- Advantage... Ericksen.
- Don't get cocky.

- Wimbledon lasts a fortnight.
- "Fortnight."

- British words are so cool.
- Plus, did you know lawyers there get to wear wigs?

All right.
We're ready. Let's hit it.

We can't go. Tournament.

What? We agreed.
I suited up...

You take too long to get ready

What are you talking about?
I got the low maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.

Yeah, which takes an hour and a half
of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.

And then he starts on his hair.

Ace!

- Look, are we going or not?
- Just go without us.

We'll be there in five minutes.

Really?

- Yes! Yes!
- All right,

I'm going down to the bar.

I'm ordering three beers.
I'll see you guys in

five minutes.
Three beers,

five minutes.

Thanks for lending me
these boots.

Where'd you get them from?

This store in the Village
had one of those crazy sales.

It was a footwear
feeding frenzy.

I saw it first!

You just made the list, bitch!

So many questions.

Firstly, what do you think
would happen

if a guy walked into that store
wearing a suit of boots?

You look fantastic in them,
Robin.

But don't you think they're
a little high for that dress?

Well, that's the point:
it's to hide that fact

that I haven't
shaved my legs.

I've begun
a strict no-shave policy

for the first three dates.

It's all about self-control.

If I don't shave,
I must behave.

FYI: It doesn't matter, baby.

Guys just want to get
on the green.

They don't mind going
through the rough.

Shh-clackey!

Stinson.

All right,
the beers are here.

Yeah, we're not going
to make it.

Oh, come on! We agreed...

Did Marshall take his pants off?

Yeah, pants are off.

I need the freedom and mobility
that only underwear can provide.

Cheerio!

Fine.

I don't need friends.

I got you guys.

You guys are my friends,

my cold refreshing friends.

I'm talking to beer.

Ted? Trudy.

Trudy.

Oh, my God. I haven't
seen you since...

I slept with you and then
climbed down the fire escape.

That was you?

I'm kidding.
I was super-wasted.

These are not all for me.

No, I was going to call you,
but I was so embarrassed.

You were embarrassed?

I was like,
"I really like this guy,

"and now I'm climbing out
his window,

and I forgot my underwear..."

Those were yours?

God, I thought
they felt kind of tight.

I'm kidding.
I don't wear underwear.

Ladies' underwear.

Often.

Ah! Again, I'm kidding.

I'm so glad I ran into you.

I know. Do you want to...?
Trudy?!

No way!

Oh, my God!
Rachel, how are you?

Ted, this is Rachel.

Hi!

Kappa Epsilon Gamma!
Kappa Epsilon Gamma!

Whoo!
Whoo!

Wait, let me guess.
You guys met in prison.

No! We were
sorority sisters.

And best friends forever
all sophomore year.

When we weren't
at each other's throats.

We could be so competitive.

Uh, but that's
all behind us now.

Hey, mista! Hey, mista!

Stay away from my sista!
Stay away from my sista!

Whoo!
Whoo!

We have so much
catching up to do.

Okay. Are you going
to Stacey's wedding?

Oh, it's off. Apparently,
he's into dudes.

Nah! Again?!
That's like her third one.

I know!

Well, beers,
what do you want to do?

We could stay here...

or I know this other place
called "My Belly."

So, Trudy and I
got a table.

Oh, that's cool. I was going
to get out of here anyway.

I'm really tired.

I want you to stay.

Tired of people who fold early,
'cause I am wide awake!

Okay, guys... be cool.

Aah!

You've been
vanquished, old bean.

That's 'cause
you distracted me.

You've been hanging crumpet
ever since the third set.

Ah... Stinson.

I've got a situation.

Trudy is here... you know,
from the pineapple incident?

Oh, you mean the girl
that chalked your pool cue

and then snuck down
the fire escape?

Respect.

So, we're hitting it off
and then her friend shows up

and they're
kind of competitive.

HJI think the new girl's
kind of into me.

So you now have two on the line?

And I don't know
which one to go for.

Go for the new girl!

Given the choice, always party
with Dr. Strangelove.

New girl?
What new girl?

Two girls are allegedly vying

for Ted's affections,
and I think...

Oh, you don't know
what you're talking about.

Give it to me.

Are they friends?

Yeah. Uh, no... I-I don't know.
They're old sorority sisters.

Are they Betas?

Because they're all sluts,
and you can tell them right now

I didn't want to be
in their sorority anyway.

They're Kappas, and...

I think I can score
with one of them.

I don't know which one,

and if I chose wrong,
I lose them both.

Okay, well, don't worry.

I'll-I'll come down
and help you figure it out.

I thought we were in
for the evening?

That's what I thought about your
bangers and mash down there,

but I guess we're both wrong,
guv'na.

Hey.
Oh, Ted. Okay...

Settle an argument.
Mm-hmm.

Is it stealing if you go out
with someone's boyfriend

after they've broken up?

Well, that's
very complicated...

See?! He agrees with me.

You're such a little man-thief.

You're the man-thief,
man-thief.

Oh, somebody should lock
loyou girls up.

You're so funny.

I think Ted is funny.

Really?
I think Ted is hilarious.

I am never not wearing
a suit again.

Hello?

It's me. I'm at the bar.

Don't look.
Just call me "Mom."

Uh, hey, Mom.
How's Dad's... colon?

What?
What's the matter with you?

Anyway, both of these girls
are into you; take your pick.

They are? Are you sure?
Yes, of course.

They're playing with their hair
and touching your arm.

Classic green light.

Are you positive?

Oh, that is so fascinating.

So what happened?

Well, after 18
hours of surgery,

I closed,
and, thankfully,

both girls just celebrated
their second birthday.

Wow. Gosh, separating
conjoined twins,

that must be
the most amazing feeling.

True, but now the parents
don't know what to do

with their huge supply
of four-legged overalls.

That is so funny.

You're so funny.

Positive.
They both want you bad.

It's a clearance sale
and you're the boots, baby.

Oh, it's Robin.
Good luck.

Bye, Mom.

That's my mom.

Hello?

Bring me a razor.

What about the no-shave rule?

What happened
to your convictions?

They've been surgically removed
by Dr. Awesome.

No, I'm not doing it.

The whole point to not shaving
was to...

Lily, please!
He's really cute,

and I really like him,
and he's got a British accent.

I'm on my way.

So this college boyfriend,
who won him?

Neither of us.

He left.
Junior year abroad.

It's really
too bad, 'cause...

there was that one thing
we wanted to do.

We were
going to do...

but we never did.

Why? Wait, what were you guys
going to do but never did?

No, it's too
embarrassing.

You tell him.
No, you tell him.

No, I don't care
if you don't care.

Well, I don't care. I just...

Nobody cares! Just say it.

Why don't we tell him together.

Okay.

On three.

One...

Well, he's right:
it's a dead heat.

...two...

Neither one is
giving ground.

I could not tell
who was the third wheel.

...three.

It's a tricycle.

No way, no way, no way!

What's happening?

It's a tricycle.

No way, no way, no way.

It's a tricycle.

Well, I'll just say it
right now.

All sorority girls are sluts.

Put him on speaker.

So what you're saying
to us right now

is that you have
a shot at the belt?

Wait-wait-wait.
What belt?

Ho
Well, Barney and I have

this running joke that the first
guy to actually pull this off

would "win"
the championship belt.

Oh, so it's a metaphorical belt,
right?

Behold...

You actually bought a belt.

That's right. It's resplendent.

Come on, it was
just a thing we said.

We were kidding around.

I never kid.

Remember you said if I ever
slept with that girl

from Days of Our Lives,
I'd be the king?

Well...

Why wasn't I told
about the belt?

I could go for the belt.

If Lily would've died before me,
then I could ride the tricycle.

If I died, I would just come
back and haunt your penis.

Guys, come on! Help me out.
What do I do?

All right, Ted, if you're
going to go for the belt,

then the bylaws require me
to ask the following questions:

One: Is the aggregate age
of all participants under 83?

Yes.

Two: Is the aggregate weight
of all participants

under 400 pounds?

Yes.

Theodore Mosby...

are you paying these women?

What? No.

Ted...

No. Look, I got to go.
They're going to think

I inherited my dad's imaginary
bathroom issues.

Oh, are you guys leaving?

Well, it is getting pretty late.

Right. Well, well, it's been...

Maybe we could all go
listen to that Wilco CD

you talked about before.

Great! I have it right upstairs.

It's in my apartment upstairs.
Let's go upstairs.

I'm sorry. Where was
your apartment again?

Ha, that's funny. I love that.

You should tell more jokes
in my apartment upstenrs.

Scenario #12:
We're in a horrific car crash.

You die. I'm left paralyzed.

Two sexy nurses,
with a six-pack of wine coolers,

sneak into my room
late at night.

I try to blink at them in Morse code.

"Please, don't. I love my dead wife."

But they're medical
professionals,

and I got to think, somehow,
they're saving my life.

Fine. Sleep with your nurses.

Tonight you ride the unicycle.

I already did this morning.

Hello.

Lily, I have pounded three
cappuccinos waiting for you.

Pretty soon,
I won't have to shave...

the hair is going to vibrate
off my legs.

I'm sorry, I can't leave now.

Lily, he can't see
my legs like this.

I look like a Turkish lesbian.

There's, um, a pharmacy
across the street.

Would 20 bucks buy me a razor?

No, but 50 will.

Hold on. Ted's texting me.

"We're combing up-sars."

"Combing up-sars."
What does that mean?

It means they're
coming upstairs.

Got 'em.

Ooh! Nice place.

Hey, are these
your roommates?

Yes. Uh, yes,
but they are not here.

They are somewhere else.

We have total privacy

because privacy is essential
when you're listening to music.

You know what else is essential
when you're listening to music?

Music.

That's hilarious.

You are hilarious!

I'll go get it
in my bedroom.

The CD's in my bedroom.

Bedroom...

Okay. We'll try and stay out of trouble.

Of course,
we can't promise anything.

This is going to be awesome.

No!

What are you guys doing here?

We know, Ted, well done.

This is very impressive.

Up top.
Yeah, bro, up top.

Oh, don't be gross.

You guys need to
get out of here.

Please, take the fire escape.

No, no way.

The other day I saw
a pigeon take a crap on it

and the whole thing shifted.

Oh, you can use
our bedroom.

Okay, all I need
to seal the deal

is the Wilco CD, Barney.

What are you doing?!

allow Ted to do this.

Wh-what? Why?

Because the belt
is my birthright!

You cannot claim it before I do.

That would be like Jimmy Olsen
capturing Lex Luthor

while Superman watches
impotently from the bedroom.

But, Barney, you've done
way dirtier stuff than Ted.

You're disgusting.

I've never ridden the tricycle.

I was on the verge
last year.

I was so close.

So ladies, why don't
we move this party

to a more horizontal location?

Oh, my God,
my new carpet!

Oh, my God, this
is a disaster.

You get the carpet cleaner.
I'll get a towel.

Okay.
I'll get the video camera.

Get out!
Okay then.

So let me get
this straight.

You're going to trike-block me?

That is so petty.
It's like you're...

Tom Petty.
Tom Petty.

You're Tom Petty.

Where's Lily?

Still looking for that CD,

so...

What are you doing?

I knew it.
I had a hunch about that girl

and I was right.

I saw it first!

You just made the list, bitch.

I cannot give up my bedroom
to a boot thief.

She should be punished,
not rewarded.

Fine, then I'll try to work in a little
light spanking. Just do this for me!

No, never.

What if I reimburse you
for the boots, full retail?

- Please enjoy our bedroom.
- Great.

Just take it.

Okay, wish me luck.

Oh, my God.
It looks fine.

You're such a girl.

Whe's the shaving cream?

Well, you didn't ask me for shaving cream.

Well, it was implied.

Who buys a razor
without buying shaving cream?

Well, who doesn't shave
their legs for a date?

Well, who's not getting a tip
because of her attitude?

Well, here's a little tip
for you:

shave your legs before you leave
the house, Sasquatch.

Hey, Robin, um, the valet's
brought the car around.

I thought we'd go to my place,

if you're in the mood
for a nightcap.

Absolutely. I just have to go
to the ladies' room.

I've got TB.

Tiny bladder.

I'll meet you out front.

Yeah.

You've got to be kidding me.

Excuse me. Sorry.

So, I'm having a little
trouble finding the CD.

That's okay.

We don't need music to have fun.

Exactly.

You do like to have
fun, don't you, Ted?

It's getting late.
I'll get your coats.

"I'll get your coats"?!

I don't know why I said that.
Why'd I say that?

It's the opposite
of what I meant.

I wanna take clothes off them,
not put more on.

Ted, you're ruining this
for everyone.

Leave him alone!

Sometimes even

the greatest warriors
shoot themselves in the foot.

What are you
talking about?

If you must know, it wasn't
a freak beverage malfunction

that stopped me from riding
the tricycle that night.

So, Barney, why don't we

take this party to a more
horizontal location?

Oh, no, the night's ruined!

No, baby, it's not.

Yes, it! Whatever this night
was heading towards is ruined.

Where's my coat?

Why would you do that
to yourself?

Because you get up
in your head, man.

You start thinking,

"I can't do this.
It's two women."

That's two of everything,
four of some things.

The logistics alone are enough
to cripple even a pro like me.

See, if a complete degenerate
like Barney choked,

what chance do I have?

The best chance in the world.

Fear took the belt from me.

Fear rode the tricycle
that night, my friends.

But fear will not get
a second turn.

- It won't?
- No.

Because I now realize it isn't
my destiny to win the belt.

It is my destiny to help
my friend win it.

Ted is fated
to go there first.

He is our Neil Armstrong.

Spacesuit up, Ted,

'cause you're going
to the moon.

Step one.

Ladies.

I couldn't find your coats,

but I did find... tequila.

Wait, wait, wait,
a remote control fireplace?

We don'Hot have
a remote control fireplace.

Right, that's my apartment.

The dressing gown's mine, too.

Damn, this should be me.

Anyway, continuing...

Whew!

I am so exhausted.

So exhausted.

Wait, why would I want
to tire them out?

That's your excuse
to unleash pretext

for physical contact #1.

Oh, you give
the most amazing foot massage.

That's 'cause I used to practice

all the time on my grandmother.

Why in God's name
would I say that?

It's endearing.
You're a caregiver.

Never take family values
out of the equation.

Step three.

Ted, what's wrong?

I was just thinking about
this documentary I saw once

about something
called a super volcano.

Okay, what the hell?

Wait for it.

It can happen at any time.

And obliterate
all life on Earth,

which is why
I live by three simple words.

Don't postpone joy.

Oh, my God.

That's so true.

Yeah.

The mortality angle.

That's actually pretty good.

- I can do this.
- Yes, you can.

Yeah. I can't believe I'm
going to say this,

but I'm actually moved.

Bring it in, guys.

All right.

I'll see you on the other side.

So what happened next?
Did you do it?

It doesn't seem right
to talk about it.

What? No! Tell me.

Don't tell me
because you don't have to

because you didn't do it.

You didn't do it.
You did it.

You did it, didn't you?

Did you?

You didn't do it.

Yes, you did.
You did.

No, you didn't.

Tell me!

Some stories you tell,
some stories you don't.

That's because you didn't do it.

He didn't do it.

You did it
You did it, didn't you?

You did it.
Tell me, did you?

Ted, belt. Did you?

Did you or didn't you?

Did?

Tell me, please.
For the love...

Do you know
if he did or didn't?

Oh, hey, um,
Hmm?

would you go in there
and see if my date's okay?

No problem.

Thank you.

No, nobody's in there,
but the window's actually open.

I guess I shouldn't be
so surprised.

I mean, she was acting weird
all night, right?

Yeah, you know...

why don't I buy you a drink?

Okay.

Did I overhear
that you're a surgeon?

Guilty as charged.

Oh, you're so funny.

I'm here!

I'm fine!

My head is bleeding.

Going down again.