How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 18 - Rebound Bro - full transcript

Barney finds a new wingman to replace Ted, but he's painfully shy and awkward around women. Meanwhile Ted discovers that his new girlfriend Stella hasn't had sex in 5 years.

Narrator:
Now, kids, the spring of 2008

Was a complicated time
in your old man's life.

The last time I had seen barney
was shortly after I found out

He had spent the night
with robin.

Are you saying you don't want
to be bros anymore?

I'm saying I don't want
to be friends anymore.

(phone rings) (groans)

It's barney.

Dude, seriously, you
need to stop calling me.

Ted, I'm sorry I haven't
returned your calls.

Yeah, I never called you.

You called me 15 times
and my parents twice.

I'm sorry.
I gotta let you go.

There's just too many
good wingmen out there.

Ted, are you crying?

No, I'm not.

Shh, let it out. Let it out.

Shh, let it out.
Good-bye, barney.

So, are you two back together?

No.

I miss barney.

I haven't high-fived anyone
in, like, a week.

I think I might be starting
to lose my fist bump callus.

Let me ask you something, ted.

Why are you so much madder
at barney than me?

Yeah, she had just
as much sex with barney

As barney had with her.

You know what?
I'm not sure that's true.

And I think
I'd actually prefer it

If you were mad at me;
this is too weird.

I'm not mad at anybody.

I-I've forgiven you,

And I've outgrown
barney as a friend.

It's that simple.

I'll tell you why he's not mad.

It's 'cause he's so
happy with stella.

Narrator:
She was right.

Stella and I had been dating
for two months,

And things were going
really well.

She had met my friends
and passed with flying colors.

There was just
one little problem.

You guys haven't had sex yet?!

When marshall and I
were two months in,

We were doing it 24/7.

I know, I was in the top bunk.

I also sat next to you guys
at football games.

So what are you guys
waiting for?

I think she wants to make sure
we're serious first.

That's why she hasn't introduced
me to her daughter, either.

She wants to take things slow.

Wait, so you haven't had sex
since, like, thanksgiving.

Do you know how many
big federal holidays

Have come and gone since then?

Ooh, baby, do you remember
martin luther king day?

Yeah, I do.

We honored that dude big time.

(laughs)

Look, I'm crazy about this girl,

And if waiting is what it takes,
then I am fine with that.

On a totally unrelated note,
does anybody have any gum

Or ice or a piece of bark
they're not chewing?

Hey, barney, new
skymall came in.

So, uh...

Word around the blogosphere

Is that you're looking
for a new wingman.

I want to let you know
I am available.

Just say the word,
or don't even say the word.

Just do something
with your eyebrow.

Was that it?

No offense, randy,
but there's a long list

Of candidates for this slot.

This slot
is vice president of awesome,

And you're, like, assistant
undersecretary of only okay.

"Assistant undersecretary
of only okay."

Thank you. I won't let you down.

Narrator: So uncle barney began
the search for a new wingman.

Pete!
Barney stinson.

Hey, I've been meaning
to call you. It's been a while.

Yeah, yeah, so listen.

You should meet me
at maclaren's tonight.

You're never gonna believe this:
I'm at the hospital.

Just had a baby daughter.

So what do you think,
9:30, 10:00?

Stapleton!
Barney stinson.

What up, chief?

Need a new bro. What do you say?

Dude, I'd love to, but right now
I'm bros with doug stein.

Oh, I understand.

Doug stein's a good bro.

I'm happy for you.
Best of luck.

Crazy willie!
Barney stinson.

What up, b-dog?
Long time, no bro.

So we gonna tear it up
tonight or what?

Yes, finally!

Here's what's
on the rock-it docket.

My wife and I
put the cheese out at 7:00,

Cranium at 8:00,
9:00 p.M. We watch 27 dresses.

Everybody's home by 11:00.
Boo-yah!

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Hanging up on you once
wasn't enough.

(huffing)

So I lanced this thing
on this guy's back,

And I'll be honest with you,
I didn't even know what it was,

And then it exploded
like a volcano.

Pus everywhere.

Let's have sex.

Right now.
I'll lock the door.

Oh, there's no lock
on that door.

We can do it against the door.
It'll be hot!

It'll be like a three-way:
You, me, and the door.

Yeah, but then
it's just gonna be weird

Between me
and the door tomorrow.

(laughs)

I'm sorry.

We're waiting. It's cool.

You've been so patient, ted.

The truth is...

I'm kind of nervous.

I have a confession to make.

I was afraid of this.

You're 14.

(giggles)

No, um...

It's kind of embarrassing,
but it's been a while

Since I was intimate
with anyone.

Wow, it's funny
that you say that.

Me, too.

Really?

How long's it been for you?

It's been a while.

Tell me.

Me, too!

It's been five months
for you, too?

Five years?! Five years?!
Five years?!

Wow.

Stella hasn't had
sex since 2003.

Let's put this in context.

The last time stella had sex,
the movie, seabiscuit,

Had just galloped into
theaters... And our hearts.

Five years?

God, if I even went one year,

I would be out on the street
selling it for a nickel.

The last time stella had sex,

The world was just
learning about sars.

Well, ted, what else
did she say?

Did she give you
any kind of explanation?

Look, after lucy was born,
I dated a little,

But it was hard to find a guy
I could trust enough.

Sooner or later,
every one of them

Gave me a reason not to.

But nobody in five years?

Look, ted, guys regret the girls
they didn't sleep with.

Girls regret the guys
they do sleep with.

And for the past five years,

I've had no regrets.

(sighs)

Ted, you're staring at my boobs.

In my defense,
they were staring at me.

So what does this mean for you?

Is she ever gonna want
to get intimate?

Actually...

But the truth is, I really do

Want to do this with you.

I don't think
I'd regret it at all.

Your pillow talk's
a little rusty.

You know what I mean, ted.
I'm ready.

That's great.

Like, "right now" ready?

(laughs)

So her sister's driving up
to baby-sit lucy,

And we're getting a hotel room
in the city Saturday night.

The last time stella had sex,

The da vinci code
had just come out.

Well, that doesn't seem
like that long ago.

Not the movie, the book.

Wow.

It's a lot of pressure,
isn't it?

You know what?
It's not.

This woman needs it bad.

Anything you do
is going to be fireworks.

I remember my longest drought...

It was that summer I lived
in san francisco.

I hadn't had been with marshall
in two months and 19 days.

(rumbling)

Oh, san francisco.

I don't know, lily,
after five years,

Her expectations
have gotta be pretty high.

Notable deaths in 2003...

Oh, my god...
Nell carter.

Did you guys know
that nell carter had died?

I'm really gonna have to bring
my a-game to satisfy this woman.

Yeah, it'll be pretty hard
now that she's dead.

Not nell carter...
Stella.

Marshall:
Dude, relax.

It's all about
expectations management.

Do you know why I hated
jerry maguire so much?

Because you're dead inside?

No, because you built it
up for, like, two weeks,

Saying it was the
greatest movie ever.

With stella, do the opposite:
Lower expectations.

Right, right, and then
no matter what happens,

She'll be happy.
(cell phone rings)

Hey, buddy.

I'm married, barney.
I cannot be your new wingman.

(cell phone rings)

No.

Hey, randy.

Could you come in here
for a minute?

Good news.

I'm calling you up
to the majors.

Starting tomorrow night,

How would you like
to be my new wingman?

Uh...

Just need to check my calendar.
Be right back.

Tomorrow works.

I have a surprise appetizer
for us today.

Check it out.

Potato skins.

Fancy.

Yeah, right?

God, it's been forever
since I had potato skins.

I remember them as being

Pretty much the most
delicious things ever.

Huh.

That's surprising.

What?

This potato skin.

It's good,
but not nearly as good

As I'd built it up to be
in my head.

Even though this potato skin
performed admirably,

And is a totally
respectable size...

I couldn't enjoy it

Because of my own
unrealistic expectations.

Hmm, ted, I see
what you're doing.

Huh? You're trying to lower

My expectations for tonight.

Is this a length thing?
No.

Quick on the draw?
No.

Unexpected number of testicles?
No!

It's just that this
is a big deal for you.

I mean, it's like
your virginity: The sequel.

(laughs)

Virginity 2: Electric boogaloo?

Exactly, and I don't want
to mess it up.

I don't want you to ever wonder
if I was worth it.

Ted, of course
it's gonna be worth it.

Stop worrying.

It's you and me.

It already has everything
it needs.

"Unexpected number
of testicles?"

It happens.
I knew a guy in med school...

We used to joke that he was one
ball away from getting walked.

(chuckles)

Hey.

What up, bro-seph lieberman?

No, uh-uh.

Randy, we never use
the word "bro" in the name

Of a failed democratic
vice presidential candidate.

Good-bye,
"geraldine ferrar-bro."

You know what?

I'm excited about this, randy.

You will be my next masterpiece.

It's like with ted.

When I first met him,

He was an even bigger loser
than you.

What a loser.

But tonight,
I am going to make you

The greatest wingman
in the history of wingmen.

Oh, well, it's gonna be easier
than you think, bro.

Yeah, I've been reading
your blog for years.

You are like a god to me.

That's why tonight is
going to be legendary...

Wait for it...

Dary.

Oh.

Okay, randy, let's do this.

(under breath):
Okay.

You ready?

Yes.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

What? What's
the matter?

Nothing.

Let's do this.

No, no, no, no, no,
please, please, please.

Just wait. Just wait.
Just wait. Just wait!

Randy, what are you doing?

Dripping with game,
that's what I'm doing.

Okay, let's go. No. Let's...

Yes. No!

Randy, listen to me:
You can do this, okay?

Oh, I don't know.
Are those girls really that hot?

Yeah, they're hot.
Let's do this.

Okay!

Hey, ladies.

Have you met...

(knocking)

Hey.
Hey!

So, here's the plan.

Take a horse-drawn carriage
through the park,

And it just so happens

The philharmonic is playing
an open-air... Ted...

Five years.

Straight to the hotel?
Straight to the hotel.

I'll get my bag.

Hey, guys.

Hey.
Hey.

So, uh, looking forward
to tonight?

Yeah. Definitely.

It's been such a long time
since I've had a night out.

Yeah, we heard.

I would explode
if it had been that long

Since I had
a "night out."

This one wakes me up

At 4:00 a.M. Sometimes

Just to have a little
"night out."

Um, what are you guys
talking about?

Nothing.

Pizza.

What are you talking about?

Hey, guys.

Ted, you told them, didn't you?

Told them what?

You told them

That I haven't had
sex in five years.

You haven't had sex
in five years?!

That is a shocking revelation

That we're just finding out
about right now.

Stella, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have told them.

But they're my best friends.
I tell them everything.

I-I didn't even think about it.

Ted, that was so personal.

Plus, now your friends
think I'm a freak.

No, they don't.

Look, I realize
it's weird, okay?

Not many people go five years
without having sex.

13 years?!

I peaked really young.

That's why it was difficult
for me to tell you.

But I did tell you because I
thought that I could trust you.

You c trust me.

Obviously, I can't.

You know, there's always a
reason not to sleep with a guy,

And you just gave me yours.

Wait, did I give you a reason,

Or were you looking for one?

Why would I be looking for one?

Because things are getting
serious between us,

And that scares you.

Good night, ted.

(door slams)

Okay, randy, now,

Tell me, without looking
at your hand,

What are the three
beginner techniques

For picking up a woman at a bar?

Isolate her from her friends;

Repeat her name in conversation;

Subtly put her down.

Excellent.

Now... Let's put those to use.

I'm right behind you.

Hi, I'm randy.

What's your name?

Haley.

Haley.

Haley, that's a pretty name,
haley.

Haley...

Come here, haley.

Um... Okay.

Haley, you are
a fat, ugly whore.

I'm sorry, barney.

Eh, so you got a drink
thrown in your face.

Happens to me all the time.

Pretty soon you'll be
able to anticipate it,

And when you do?
Free drink.

Oh, hey.

We got two live ones.

New plan: This time
follow my lead.

Evening, ladies.

Oh, I like your brooch.

What is that?

Oh, it's a koala bear.

I think they're adorable.

No way!

My friend randy here
is the leading expert

On koala bears in australia!

He's in town working
with the bronx zoo.

You are?

That is so cool!

What is your favorite thing
about koala bears?

Their...

Meat is delicious.

I'm sorry, barney.

Ah, it's okay.

New plan:

We need to get you comfortable

Just saying words to women.

Now, there's no reason
to be nervous,

Because my friend, robin,
has agreed to help out.

Because you threatened to put a
video of us on the internet,

Which I'm still not
convinced you have.

Right, which is why
you came all the way

From brooklyn at midnight.

Now, randy,

Let's keep it simple.

Just start by introducing
yourself.

Hi.

My name is randy.

Hi, randy.

How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

Good, thank you.
Great.

You're doing really,
really well.

Now ask her
what she's doing later.

What are you doing later?

Yeah, your nose is bleeding
like a faucet.

Oh, god.

This happens every time
I get an erection.

I am so sorry.

(sighs) okay.

Okay, new plan.

We wrap his face in gauze
so he can't bleed or talk.

You are the woman...

Barney, why are you so desperate
to have this happen?

I'm a wingman.

That's what wingmen do.

Is it possible

That you're trying to fill
the void of losing ted

By rushing into a new wingman
relationship?

What are you saying?

I'm saying that randy
is your rebound bro.

No.

That's crazy.

What randy and I have is real.

No, it's not, barney.

And even if you got randy laid
tonight,

Would it feel
anywhere near as meaningful

As when you got ted laid?

He was just so happy
the next morning, you know?

I know.

All right.

It hasn't clotted,

But I think it's pretty much
draining backwards now.

Randy...

I've been thinking,

This isn't working out.

Yeah, I figured.

I knew I couldn't fly
this close to the sun

Without getting burned.

This is the story of my life.

I always let people down.

You, my dad, the chief.

The chief?

Yeah, I was a cop
for, like, three months.

But I got kicked off the force

Because I screwed up so much,
I was an insurance liability.

You were a new york
city police officer,

And you didn't tell me?

Wow!

Did you ever shoot anybody?

Only all the time.

But not himself.

And not in the foot.

Actually... Ah,
bah, bah, bah, bah.

But nothing.

I don't think there's anything
hotter than a cop.

Are you okay?

Your nose is bleeding.

Uh, old injury.

The bullet's still
lodged in his sinus.

Oh, my god!

You know what?

I live right around the corner.

Can I take you to my place

And fix you up?

That would be very nice.

Yes.

Have a great time, you two.

(whispering): Oh, my god, thank you.
I can't thank you enough.

I am the greatest wingman
of all time.

Ted doesn't know
what he's missing.

(voice cracking): You had
to mention ted, didn't you?

(knocking)

Okay, I really overreacted
last night.

I'm sorry.

(sighs) maybe I have
some trust issues,

But believe me,
I have earned them.

You said that I was
looking for a reason

For this whole thing
to fall apart.

Well, you're onto me, ted.

That's actually something
that I do a lot.

But I'm not going
to do that with you.

Ted... I'm in.

This is awkward.

I have a girl here.

So...

Come on.

There is something that
I'm ready to do with you.

♪ ...Who's that looking
in the mirror? ♪

♪ Gonna take your time...

Ted, this is lucy.

Hi, lucy.
Lucy, this is ted.

Narrator: Stella and I
thought our relationship

Was going to take a big step
that weekend.

Turned out, it took
an even bigger one.

She's sound asleep.
Oh.

She is so great.

I think so.

So, uh, I was thinking,

My sister is in town
until tomorrow.

And, uh, there's a motel
just down the turnpike.

Hmm.

(panting)

Wow, that was amazing!
Oh, yeah.

What are you doing?

I gotta call marshall and lily.
Tell them about this.

(thud) ow!