How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 17 - The Goat - full transcript

Narrator:
Well, kids, here we are.

We've arrived.

My 30th birthday.

The long-awaited story of...

(bleating)

That week started
just like any other.

Barney woke up
in some girl's bed.

In my experience, the way
this normally goes is,

We lie here for a while,

Make a little awkward chitchat.

Check.

Then I make up some
cabinet meeting, heart surgery,

Rocket test flight
I've got to be at,

Slip out of the apartment
and never call you again.

And later at the bar,

You tell your good friend robin

The story of your
latest conquest,

And she thinks to herself,

"who is this sad,
self-loathing idiot

Who climbed into bed
with barney stinson?"

Hmm.

Actually, you usually
say that out loud.

(sighs)

So...

I just slept with
my best friend's ex-girlfriend.

And I just slept

With my ex-boyfriend's
really good friend.

Best friend.

Okay, here's the deal, barney.

The second my feet
touch the ground,

This never happened.

Okay.

(sighs) wait.

Right click, save as...

Into the .Bpeg folder,
and okay.

This never happened.

It's a good plan.

Now we go back to exactly
the way things were before.

Okay.

Okay.

Right.

So, robin?

Yes, barney?

Guess who nailed the chick
from metro news 1 last night?

(chuckles)

Okay, uh, let me take a shower,

Till June, and, um,

Since you were never here
to begin with,

You won't be here
when I get out.

Okay.
Okay.

This never happened.

(laughs)

Never happened.

Never... Happened.

Narrator: But pretending
it never happened

Wouldn't be that easy.

Ted:
So, tell us,

What was it like?

What?

Penetrating that barrier.

You and I are

The first ones to hit it.

Certainly, but the first
ones at this table.

I... I... I...

I'm... I'm...

Although, I'm gonna be
hitting it pretty soon.

Ted: Mm-hmm. Yeah, you are.

Yeah, and when I hit it,
I'm going to go nuts.

It's gonna be all night, and
I think I want a clown there.

I'm a little bit scared of
clowns, but for you, I'm there.

Lily:
Yay!

What are you taking about?!

The big three-oh.

My 30th birthday's this Friday.

Did you forget?

What kind of friend is this guy?

Ha-ha, right.

A great friend, by the way.

The best.

Is it my imagination,

Or are these drinks
getting smaller?

If this were a doctor's office,
they'd say, "try again."

(airy laugh)

How you doing there, robin?

I'm good. Ted: Oh, so,
I made a decision.

I'm going to go through
all my old stuff,

And I'm getting rid of anything
I have no use for anymore.

Hmm. Barney, you want my xbox?

(gasping)

Ted, she has a name!

And just what are
you accusing me of?

Liking video games?

I'm gonna get a drink.

Hmm.
I'll come with you.

Okay.

God, this is awkward.

What is?

Being around ted.

Why?

Because of our thing.
What thing?

You're really gonna pretend
this never happened?

What never happened?

Hey.
(whimpers)

Hey.

What are you guys talking about?

Nothing.

Guys, cut the act. I know.

I know about the surprise party
you guys are throwing me.

Marshall let it slip
earlier today.

(mumbling) marshall.

Hey, I'll totally act surprised
and everything.

Just be sure to invite stella.

Stella!

You have a serious
girlfriend now!

You're over this one.

Robin who, right?

Stella makes this one look

Like a filthy bag
of garbage, am I right?

Happy birthday, bro.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Hey, marshall, I need your help.

Yeah, I'm kind of real focused
on the job hunt right now.

I know. I want to hire you.

For the last time, barney,
I will not be your butler.

I need a lawyer.

I'll pay you.

How much?

A little.

I'll take it.

Hey.

Hey. So, I'm reading this,
and, I got to say,

This might be
a little bit over my head.

For one thing,
I'm fairly certain

That if these contracts
aren't executed precisely,

We will be at war with portugal.

Forget that.

That's a Tuesday for me.

New shredder.

This baby'll chew up a bicycle
in 17 seconds.

From sky mall.
It's all from sky mall.

Whenever I get upset,
I shop at sky mall.

Want a hot dog?
Of course.

Why are you upset?

Marshall, I'm about
to tell you a secret

That you can't
tell anyone... not ted,

Not robin, not lily.

No. No, no, no,
I don't want any more secrets,

Especially now that I know
what you guys did

To the drinking water
in lisbon. I...

You are hearing
this secret, marshall.

I... I slept...
(scat singing)

Stop... Stop doing that.
(singing)

I slept...

♪ laba-da bay-doh

♪ hicka-ba-ta-bo...

I slept with robin.

You slept with robin?

(toaster bell dings)

Hmm.

Are you mad at me?

I don't know.

How's the hot dog?

It's helping.

You slept with robin?!

I... I cannot keep that secret.

I mean, you know

I at least have to tell lily.

You can't.
You can't tell anyone.

Attorney-client privilege.

(groans)
why are you doing this to me?!

Because I need you,
marshall, as my lawyer,

To prove
that I didn't do anything wrong.

How can I help you
as your lawyer?

You didn't break any laws,
did you?

Robin knows you slept with her,
doesn't she?

I didn't break any state
or federal laws,

But I think I broke a much,
much higher law.

The bro code.

♪

Narrator:
For many years,

We had heard barney
quote the bro code,

A list of do's
and don'ts for all bros.

Some were basic.

Bro code article one:
"bros before hoes."

Some were unbelievably
complicated.

Bro code article 89:

"the mom of a bro
is always off limits,

"but the stepmom of a bro is
fair game if she initiates it,

"and/or is wearing
at least one article

Of leopard print clothing."

And some were
just plain disturbing.

Bro code article 34:

"bros cannot make eye contact
during a devil's three-way."

Two dudes.

(mumbling)

This is not a legal document.

This is just something
you wrote.

You think I wrote that?

Oh, marshall,

Don't you know
the glorious history

Of the bro code?

The year was 1776.

The place: Philadelphia.

Benjamin franklin and george
washington were having a drink.

But, bro, seriously,

I calleth dibs on that wench.

You codpiece blocked me.

So what if I did?

There's no rule against it.

Well, there should be.

There should be a set of rules
that govern

The way bros comport themselves
among other bros.

But who shall write
such a document?

I have to go to me, d.C.,
and pose for the dollar bill.

And I have to do some
kite-flying or something.

I shall write this set of rules.

And I shall inscribe it
on the back of the constitution.

To save paper.

It's resolved!

Barnabas stinson shall write...

The bro code.

(cheering)

And I shall include a provision

That stateth no eye contact
in a devil's three-way.

Seconded.
Seconded.

Listen, what do you want me for?
I've just been

Losing my mind lately, and do
you know why I feel so bad?

Yeah, because you slept
with robin.

No, that was awesome.

I feel bad

Because the bro code
clearly states

"no sex with your bro's ex."

But if you,

My lawyer,
can find a loophole somewhere,

Then that bad feeling
will go bye-bye.

And you would pay me for that?

No, I'll just be the one
shredding your paperwork.

Technically, you'll be paid
by a toy factory in pyongyang.

Barney, I'm no shrink, okay,
but don't you see that this is

Just a desperate way for you

To avoid an unpleasant
confrontation with ted?

Hey, if I wanted
a psychological evaluation,

I'd hire the guy we pay

To hypnotize us
before depositions.

Now, get cracking!

While marshall examined
the bro code,

Lily's kindergarten class
welcomed a special guest.

And with a little luck,
in a few days,

Farmer frank's cold
will be all gone.

And that's why farmer frank's
breath smells like medicine.

Right, farmer frank?

You got it, toots.

Any last questions
for farmer frank? Yes.

Will we ever get
to see missy the goat again?

Oh! Ah, isn't that sweet!

Well, you know, honey,

Right after this,

I'm gonna drop old missy off
at the butcher shop.

And they're going to take

A great big knife...

And frank went on to traumatize
lily's entire class

With a graphic explanation
of where meat comes from.

So not one little scrap
of missy goes to waste.

Ms. Aldrin,
please don't let them eat missy.

I know, I know.

I already called
an animal rescue,

And they're going
to come get her on Monday.

Monday?! Where's she going
to sleep and eat

And go to the bathroom?!

(bleating)

Okay, where's
she going to sleep and eat?

I-I guess
I'll keep her up on the roof.

Look, call me crazy. I just...

I don't think having a goat
in the apartment is a good idea.

And, boy, was I right,
because what missy the goat

Would go on to do
in that bathroom was so...

(bleating) no, you know what?

I'm getting ahead of myself.

We'll get there.

Hey, ted.

Hey.

You ready to, um...

Where'd the goat turd come from?

How'd you know
that was a goat turd?

Well, it was either that,

Or a musk ox turd,
and I figured,

What the hell would a musk ox
be doing in here?

Hey. Guess what
your wife brought home?

Attorney-client privilege.
I can't talk about it.

Talk about what?

Nothing.
(clears throat)

How was your day?

Uh, ooh, goat turd on the floor,
I see. Is that new?

(coughing)

How does everyone know
that's a goat turd?

Barney told you.
I don't know

What you're talking about, madam.
Marshall,

You can't look me in the eye;
you're blushing,

Coughing;
and your hands are shaking.

Hey, robin, come here.

Ted is never finding out
about this, you understand?

Because it never happened,
none of us are saying anything.

And don't even think
about opening that can

Until I'm out
of the splash zone.

(speaking foreign language)

Oh, fantastic, you're here.

Give me the good news.

I'm sorry.

You did too good a job
writing this thing.

It's-it's ironclad.

No!

Bad lawyer!

I need a loophole!

I want to feel better, marshall!

I can't keep buying things!

I have six

Self-cleaning litterboxes

And I don't even have a kid.

Wait. How about this?

Ted's probably

Broken this thing himself,
right?

And if he's broken the bro code,

Then I'm off the hook.

I thought about that.

And I gotta say,

Ted has upheld this thing
time and time again.

For example, article 87:

"a bro shall
at all times say yes."

So he saved you

From an avalanche?

And he carried you six miles
to safety on his broken leg?

Yes.

And you're a pre-op transsexual
nightclub singer

Who used to be a member
of the russian mob?

Da.

Article 29:

"a bro will, in a timely manner,
alert his bro

To the existence
of a girl fight."

Dude, two girls are fighting
at maclaren's.

What?!

Yeah, yeah.

It was crazy.
This one girl was like...

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Article 53:

"a bro will, whenever possible,

Provide his bro
with protection."

That feels nice.

Good.

I just wish we had some wine.

Yeah.

I wish we had some wine, too.

Damn it, marshall.

I'm not paying you to tell me
what a saint ted is!

You're my lawyer!

The answer is in there!
Find it!

Okay, this isn't about
the bro code, and you know it.

The reason that you're upset is
because what you did was wrong.

And the only way
you're ever gonna feel

Any better about it is
if you tell ted what you did.

What if he never wants
to talk to me again?

Well, I guess
that's just a chance

You're gonna have to take.

Which brings us
to April 25, 2008.

My 30th birthday,

Or as it would come to be
referred to in later years:

The day of the goat.

Hey, where are you?

I'm in the limo,
right outside of ted's office.

Great. Well, everyone's here.

Stella just arrived

And there is something here
so awesome,

I'm not going to tell you what
it is, but you won't believe...

Goat in a party hat?

Damn it!

Well, you still gotta see it.

It's so much fun having a goat
at a party!

In a few short hours,

Lily would come
to regret those words.

(bleating)

But we'll get there.

Uh, gotta go. Here he comes.

Okay. Bye.

Hey.
Hey.

Whoa, you guys went all out.

Okay, everyone, ted's in the
limo, five-minute warning!

Everyone get ready!

Oh, missy, are you excited?

Yes, you are!

Whoa, we're leaving the city.

Where the hell is this party?

Vegas.

Vegas? I thought the party
was on the rooftop.

Surprise!

Just a decoy, my friend.

So there's no roof party?

Oh, no. There is.
We're just not going.

This is how good a friend I am.

They want you to spend your 30th
standing around

Drinking flat beer ten feet
above your living room.

But not me, bro.

I pulled out all the stops.

Private jet, valderrama suite
at the bellagio.

Steaks at boa,

Scotch at ghostbar,
then two ringside seats

To watch floyd mayweather
go ten rounds with,

Wait for it...

A grizzly bear!

Take me home, barney.

No!

We have to go to vegas.

Look, ted, I didn't want
to say this, but...

There's something
that I have to tell you,

And I wanted you to be

In the best possible frame
of mind before you heard it.

You slept with robin.

(tires screeching)

Ranjit!

You slept with robin?

Barney!

That is ted's ex-girlfriend!

(speaking foreign language)

When did you find out?

Hey, robin. Come here!

What's up?

I was, uh, just going through
some old stuff and I...

(soda can opening)
marshall: Oh, crap!

(sputtering)

Anyway, uh,

I came across this.

Oh, wow.

From our vacation in vermont.
Yeah.

I don't know if you'd even want
it, but if you do, it's yours.

I slept with barney!

What?

It was just one time,

It-it was the night
that simon dumped me

And I was in a really
vulnerable place

And I... I wanted to just
pretend like it never happened,

But I couldn't, and...

I can't.

I just, I had to tell you.

And...

I just hope that we can
still be friends.

Of course we can
still be friends.

So you're not mad?

Well, I'm...

It's a little weird, but, um,

No, I'm not mad.

Wow.

So you're not mad?

No, I'm not mad.

I mean, robin and I broke up
a year ago.

We've... We've both dated lots
of people since then.

I'm with stella now.

Seriously, I...
I'm fine with this.

(sighs)

I'm so relieved
to hear you say that.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, hey, I just remembered, um,

My mom is coming
into town next month.

Maybe you'd like
to nail her, too!

(whispering): Where are they?!
I'm getting a cramp.

(whispering): Marshall,
can we keep the goat?

No.

But she's so cute and
furry and soft. Yeah,

And she also sheds,
eats out of the garbage

And can't control her bowels.

Why don't we just call
duluth mental hospital

And say my uncle linus
can live with us?

Yeah, lily, that may seem
like a good idea

After a couple of drinks
but tomorrow morning

You're going to want this thing
out of your house.

Oh, you should talk.
You slept with barney.

Marshall!

I'm sorry!

I couldn't take it anymore.

I can't believe

You did that.

That's so gross.

Was it amazing?

What? I...

Lily, I really don't want
to talk about this.

I know, but it's barney.

It's just hard
not to be curious.

Did he have like devices and stuff?
Lily, come on.

Hot wax?
Stop it.

Did he tie you to anything?
That's enough.

What's wrong with you?

I'm sorry.

(sighs)

Is he all smooth down there?

Three billion women
on the planet!

Three billion!
And you have to sleep

With the one that I dated
for a year! Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?!

Robin?!

You think I'm proud of this?!

I'm horrified
that this happened.

How did it happen? Huh?

Barney, I want to know.

Tell me exactly how it happened.

You mean...

What position?

(grunts) okay.

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it.

Hit him! Hit him, ted!
Stop!

Hit him!
Stop!

Hit him!
Okay.

Okay. Okay.

You're pissed.

You deserve to be.

Fine. You know what?

One free shot. On me.

Anywhere but the face.

(grunts) (groans)

Who punches someone
in the groin?

(groaning)

Okay. Okay.

I deserved that.

I deserved that.

But what's important now is...

We're passed this whole
robin thing now, right?

You think that this is just
about robin?

This is about...

You know, I've seen you
do some bad stuff.

I mean some really
terrible stuff

To a lot of different people.

I just always thought
there had to be a limit.

I always thought
I was the limit.

You're always spouting off
these rules for bros.

Isn't one of them,
"don't do this"?

Yeah. And I broke it.

I'm sorry.

But, ted...

Seriously, this suite
at the bellagio...

I am not going to vegas
with you.

I'm not going to blow
off my friends

And my girlfriend,

And spend my 30th birthday
in a strip club.

The fact that you think
I would...

You know, barney,
earlier this week

I started putting
things in a box

And that box was labeled

"stuff I have no
use for anymore."

What does that mean?

It means...

Maybe you belong in that box.

Are you saying you don't want
to be bros anymore?

I'm saying I don't want
to be friends anymore.

Okay, I'm going to stop you
right there,

Because it seems like you're
about to say something

That's going to pretty much
ruin vegas.

Ranjit, stop the car.

(tires screeching)

I'm getting a cab.

♪

All:
Surprise!

(cheering and applause)

Narrator:
Oh, right, the goat.

So funny.
You're going to love this.

So later that night, the goat
locked himself in the bathroom

And was eating one
of robin's washcloths and...

Robin wasn't living here
on my 30th birthday.

When did this happen?

Oh, wait, the goat was there
on my 31st birthday.

Sorry, I totally got that wrong.