How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 16 - Sandcastles in the Sand - full transcript

Narrator: Now, kids, when aunt robin
was a teenager she was, well...

A canadian pop star.

But by 2008, she was an
entirely different person...

(gunfire)

Coming up next:
Is your baby trying to kill you?

Narrator: Which made
the events of that week

All the more surprising.

So, I go in this morning
and... brr!... It's freezing!

So I walk over there, and I don't
know why I'm still talking

Because, clearly, we're all
asking the same question:

What in god's creation is
going on with robin's breasts?

I know! Right?
Isn't it amazing?

I spent half an hour
making this happen.

There's tape in there,
cotton balls,

Half of a nerf football,
but it works, right?

Totally.
What's the occasion?

And old friend from canada
is in town,

And I'm meeting him for a drink.

Ooh! Somebody you went
to degrassi with?

No. Actually, he was
my first boyfriend.

Simon. I thought
he was the coolest guy ever.

He smelled like drakkar.

He could ollie on a skateboard.

And he had the most amazing
collection

Of hard rock cafe t-shirts.

We spent the whole summer
madly in love.

Tell me more.
Tell me more.

Like, did he have a car?

So he's the guy who...

How shall I say this
like a gentleman?

Robin, did he take
your maple leaf?

No, it wasn't like that.

Sounds to me like he gave you
your first "o canada" face.

Narrator: This went on
for a really long time.

Some of the jokes were elegant
and well-crafted...

Wait, wait.
Did he break up with you

And tell you he's
just not that inuit?

(laughing)

Narrator: Others were
crude, and ill-formed...

Um, something
about fur trapping.

Narrator: And others were
obvious, but needed to be said...

Did you ride his zamboni?

Oh! Come on! Oh!

(laughter)

Wait, wait, wait.
Did he...?

I think I'm out.

Yeah, I'm also "oot."

(laughs)

Okay, now I'm really out.

Well, I'm sorry, guys.
It was all very tame.

We only dated
for a week and a half.

Wha...? I thought you said
you were together all summer.

Yeah. Summer in canada is pretty
much the last week of July.

Anyway, one night,

His band just finish playing
this gig...

(panting)

Oh, my god! Simon.

That was such a good show.

You guys totally rocked out.

Yeah.

I know.

I figure we're about
four or five gigs away

From really exploding.

We're gonna be big, babe.

I mean, like
crash-test-dummies big.

So, that everything?

Yeah.

All right.

Listen, babe...

It's over.

What?

I'm getting back together
with louise marsh.

Louise marsh?!

That's a whore's name
if I ever heard one.

Yeah, why would he want to get
back together with louise marsh?

Well, the thing is...

Her folks just put in a pool.

Oh...
So...

Totally... I get it.

Pools are great.

Swimming's awesome.

We have a sprinkler.

Run right through it.

Well, I should go.

Uh...

Babe, wait.

Yeah, simon?

You forgot to load the drum set.

No!

Tell me you did not load
the drum set.

(drums feet):
I did.

(all groaning)

And now he's coming here?

Robin, why do you want
to see this guy?

Oh! I know why.

You're gonna win, aren't you?

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Yes, you do.

Whenever you haven't seen
someone for a long time,

No matter how much
you want to deny it,

There's always a clear winner
and a clear loser.

Well, since you brought it up,

Let's add up the points.

You're starting out
with two big ones right there.

Thank you.

Okay. So, simon still
lives with his mom.

Point robin.

Um, he never became

A rock star.

Point robin.

He now works at a water slide
park outside of ottawa.

Point simon.

Wait. Do they have
a wave pool?

No.

Ah. Point robin.
That's five-zip.

There's no coming
back from that.

Yeah, he's going down.

I mean, unless somehow,
he got hotter.

There he is.

Narrator: And sure enough,
there was a clear winner

And a clear loser.

Narrator: It just wasn't
clear to everybody.

Hey, babe.

(giggling):
Oh, my god.

Okay, what the hell
just happened?

Oh, come on, it wasn't
so bad, was it?

(others groan)

Hey, simon.

Wow, look at you.

You got old.

Yeah. You look great.

You got hotter,

Like that's possible.

(robin giggles)

So...

Look, I know it didn't go
as planned, but...

I can't help it.

I mean...

He's still got it.

Whoa! Four bucks for a brew?

What a rip.

Good thing I'm packing.

(laughs)

So he's not a snob.

He's from a different part

Of canada, you know?

The maple leaf flag on the back
of the pickup truck?

He's red province.

He's from the deep north.

And the thing is,

We gave you so many
opportunities.

So, simon,

Robin's a bit of a local
celebrity here in new york.

She's the lead anchor

At metro news one.
Tell him, robin.

No. It's stupid.

It's not cool,
like simon's shirt.

I'm sorry, simon.

Here we are nattering on
about our big celebrity.

What do you do for a living?

Oh, I work at the splish splash
ottawa water slide park.

Huh! A water slide park.

That sure is different
than what robin does.

Yeah, it is...
Because I save lives.

If I'm not sitting in that stool

At the top of the slide,
going...

Go...

Go...

Go...

People die.

What, you think it's so easy?

You try it.

Um... (clears throat)... Okay.

Go.

You didn't put your hand up;
kid just died.

No, I didn't know...

Another kid just went;
he died, too.

Oh, well, sure.
I mean, if I was actually...

Another kid just went;
now you've got a pile-up,

And robin's got something
to report on the news.

This just in:

My friend, ted, killed
a bunch of kids today.

Lily:
Well, that's cool.

You got to pay the bills somehow

Since your whole music thing
didn't really pan out, did it?

Well, it hasn't panned out yet,
but the band's still going.

About four or five gigs

Away from really exploding.

The foreskins are still playing?

The foreskins?

How'd you guys come up
with that name?

(sighs)
well, there's four of us,

And we play without shirts.

Babe, seriously.

I know. I'm sorry.

I know. I'm sorry.

But you guys just
don't understand.

The fact that he kept the band
going... that's impressive.

I mean, I gave up
my musical dream.

Which brings us to the
most important piece

Of information from tonight.

So, simon,

How did you guys meet?

Oh, I was in her video.

Starred in it is more like it.

Well, once you win
mr. Teen winnipeg,

Everybody wants a piece
of the moneymaker.

I'm sorry. I've seen
"let's go to the mall"

About a thousand times,
and you, sir, are not in it.

I was in the other one.

There's another video?!

Robin, seriously,

Just make this
easier on yourself

And give us the tape.

No.

All right.

You leave me no choice.

From this moment on,

I will spend every waking minute
searching down this tape.

I will not sleep.
I will not eat.

My life will be a living
hell of search engines

And overseas phone calls,

Chasing down something
that possibly can't be found.

Okay.

It's just...

It was so hard to watch, robin.

You're usually so cool.

I don't know
what's wrong with me.

I'm sitting next to simon,
and suddenly I'm 16 again.

Oh, it's actually
a common thing.

When you're around
someone from your past,

You kind of revert back

To who you were
when you knew them.

There's not really a name
for it, though.

It's called "revertigo."

Yeah, I don't know
about "revertigo."

You know who gets
really bad revertigo?

(whispers):
Lily when she's around

Her high school
friend, michelle.

Michelle? She sounds hot.

Wait, wait. You don't know
about lily and michelle?

No. What about
lily and michelle?

Oh, my friend,
you are in for a treat.

Hey, lil?
Lily: What?

You know, I was just thinking,

We haven't seen your friend
michelle in a while.

Oh, yeah. I'll give her a call,
see if she wants to hang out.

Yeah.

What... (stammers)
do they make out?

Better.

Comparable.
Comparable.

Ugh, whatever.
It's over. I lost.

I guess you, uh,

You don't get a second chance.

I got a second chance.

What happened?

He came by my place tonight...

Simon.
What are you doing here?

I just feel like there's
some unfinished business

Between you and me.

Seeing you now...

Has made me realize
that breaking up with you

Is the biggest mistake
I made in my entire life.

Oh, I like where this is going.

I know this is crazy,

And I'm only in town
for a couple of days,

But do you want to go on a date?

He asked you out?!

Oh, step into my web, simon.

The coup de grace.

(a la mortal kombat):
Finish him!

I'd lo to!

(imitates pac man dying)

Wait. You're going
on a date with simon?

That simon? The one we met?

Robin, this guy doesn't
deserve a second chance.

Not after the way
he treated you.

That was ten years ago.
People evolve.

I mean, are you the same person
that you were in high school?

Oh, hell, no!

I think you're gonna enjoy this.

That my girl michelle?
Bitch, you know it!

How she livin'? She livin' the
only way she know how to.

Large!

Oh, girl, you gots
to get your drink on up in here.

I'm hoping my fat ass can
hustle me up a vodka-gatorade.

For reals.

I want her around all the time.

I'd even consider not
trying to sleep with her

If that's what it takes.

Guys, I've decided
to seduce michelle.

(rock music playing)

(laughs)

(song ends)

(robin whoops)

Yeah!
Guys, that was great.

Let's take five.

Hey, babe, did you like it
after my bass solo

When I flicked my pick at you?

That rocked.

Yeah.

Uh, 'cause I'm gonna need
that pick back.

Oh, uh, sure.

Um, I think it...

It's cool. You'll find it later.
Oh, cool.

I wish I didn't have to go
to work in the morning.

Oh, but, babe, you
got to go to work.

You got to play our
demo on your show.

Oh, well, you know,
it's not a show.

It's the news.

Right. So you
can be, like,

"hey, did you hear
there's some news?

There's a rad band you
guys should check out."

And then play it.

Or just, like, the
first three songs.

And now it's time
for "puppy corner,"

Some little angels looking
for a new home,

Courtesy of the
midtown animal shelter.

♪ Murder

♪ climb aboard
the murder train ♪

♪ Murder

♪ climb aboard
the murder train... ♪

Hey, a lot of puppies
got adopted.

Of course, a lot of the
people calling in thought

We were going to kill them.

Robin, your revertigo is really
starting to affect your work.

What's revertigo?

Stupid, made-up word
with no meaning.

No. It's a
phenomenon where,

When you're around
people from your past,

You start behaving like them.

Oh. One example of that
springs to mind.

I think we all know what it is.

We do?

Yeah. Ted.

Me?

Whenever ted's friend punchy
comes into town,

It's like, all of a sudden,
ted's in high school again.

Ted:
Okay, okay.

First of all,
his name is adam punciarello,

And I don't do that.

(both scoffing)

(knock at door,
classical music playing)

Ooh. That must be adam.

'Sup, punchy?
'sup, shmosby?!

You want to go?
I'm already there!

Come on!
This is it!

Dude, seriously,
I'm sorry about your dad.

Yeah, it was a real shock.

I can't believe you, of all
people, are saying this.

Why?

No reason.

Robin, the point is,
what are you doing?

I mean, this guy?

Okay, you want the truth?

Yeah.
I like simon.

I do.

We have fun together.

Oh, we know you do, honey,
but we're worried about you.

You're worried?
Okay, hold on.

Is there any version
of this conversation

Where you guys don't sound
like my parents?

I don't know.
Is there any version

Where you don't sound
like a 16-year-old?

That's exactly what
my mom would say.

No. If I was your mom,
I would say,

"we forbid you
from seeing this boy."

(scoffs) lily!

No, I'm sorry,
but it's for your own good.

This is my life!

You guys just don't get it!

You've never felt the way
that I feel!

Now, now. We were once
young and in love, too.

Yeah, like, a billion years ago.

You've been drinking,
haven't you?

Yeah, we all have.

You bought the last round.

You're not going
to that show tonight!

Oh, yes, I am,
and you know what else?

Tonight, after the show,

Simon and I are going
all the way!

(lily gasps)

Young lady, get back here!

Thanks for your help.

Hey, so, today at work...

Not now, ted!

Geez.

Ooh!

Oh, hey, simon.

Great show.

You guys still rock.

Yeah.

They totally dug my bass solo.

Man!

Why can't I always
feel this alive?!

God, I just love
seeing you so happy.

Yeah.
(laughs)

About that.

Listen, babe.

It's over.
What?

I'm getting back together
with louise marsh.

(laughing):
What?

You're kidding me.

You're breaking up with me?

Again?

F-for the same ex-girlfriend?

In the same van?

What is it?

Her-her parents got a pool?

Is that still the reason?

Well...

Her folks did just
put in a jacuz.

(sobbing)

I'm sorry, robin.

I'm fine, really.

Oh, robin, I'm gonna
tell you for real.

Simon's a dawg.

You feel me, chelle?

Mm-hmm, for reals.

He a scrub.

Mm. True dat.

I'ma get me my champagne
and grape soda on.

So, how's columbia?

Great!

I'm almost done
with my dissertation.

Hmm. I'm getting a phd in
behavioral psychology.

Um, can I make an observation?

Oh. I know.

Whenever I'm around lily,

She just brings out
that side of me.

There's a psychological term
for the phenomenon.

Revertigo?
No.

Actually, it's associative
regression. You see,

The neural pathways that...

♪ come on, baby!

Oh, no, you did not just

Put on my jam!

Oh. Put your hands up, girl!

Holla!
Holla!

Narrator: One by one,
we all had to go home.

Soon, it was just robin.

Barney:
All right.

I can't find your video.

I've wasted three days tr...

What's the matter?

Uh...

Simon dumped me

In his van after the show.

Yeah, robin, that was,
like, ten years ago.

No, tonight.

Ooh.

(laughing):
Really?

Oh! Oh, come here.

(sobbing) come here.

It's just...

When I was young, I was so...

Vulnerable and-and open
to things, you know?

And... I guess I just...
I wanted to feel that way again.

I wanted to be 16 again.

Robin, that is
the stupidest thing

I've ever heard
come out of your mouth.

You want to be 16 again?

I have watched your first

Robin sparkles video
a thousand times,

And it's not because
I'm proud of you as a friend.

It's because you were
totally, totally lame back then.

But now, come on.
Pa-kow!

You're the most awesome person
I have ever known.

Well, second most awesome.

Right. Of course,
the-the first being you.

No.

No. The first is this guy

Who lives in a place
called the mirror.

(laughs) what up.

Oh.

I'm saying

That you are way more awesome
than simon ever will be.

Barney, do you want to
come back to my place?

Your place?

Are you sure you want to do this?
Yeah. I am.

Let's just not tell anyone
about this, okay?

Of course.

So, should I just put it in?

Yeah, why not?

(instrumental intro
to pop ballad plays)

♪ met you at the mall...

This was my big
artistic follow-up

To "let's go
to the mall."

It kind of tanked.

♪ My friends said I was a fool

You're a fool.
Shut up!

Is that tiffany?
Mm-hmm.

♪ 'Cause you were older
and got kicked out of school ♪

You are so rad.

♪ Together we were gonna
travel the globe ♪

♪ From alberta to ontario

It's everything
I want it to be and more.

Oh, I'm so glad.
Mm-hmm.

♪ And now I'm building
sandcastles in the sand ♪

♪ Sandcastles in the sand ♪

♪ Thought I could fly
when you held my hand ♪

♪ Thought I could fly ♪
but now...

♪ eternity returns
to black and white... ♪

Is that alan thicke?

Yeah.

♪ It was the greatest
week and a half ♪

♪ Of my life

♪ we used to go to the beach

You know, if you reedit it,

There's a tampon commercial
in here somewhere.

♪ On our favorite bench

♪ we'd sit and talk
and you taught me to french ♪

♪ You're good at...

Do you seem how lame
you were back then?

Yeah, you're right.
I was lame.

Totally lame.
Ugh.

♪ ...So unfair...

Robot:
You don't understand about love.

And, of course, the robot
makes an appearance

In the sad love ballad.

He was my sidekick.
He had to be.

Narrator:
And so they watched it again.

♪ It's crazy

♪ no one gets me

♪ let's go all the way

I love you.

Let's do it.

I miss you.

Narrator:
And again.

♪ Sandcastles may be cute

I'm on the pill now.

Narrator:
And again.

♪ But now all they do
is remind me of you... ♪

They watched it over and over
that night until finally,

They stopped watching.

♪ You said it'd be okay...