How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 14 - The Bracket - full transcript

Narrator: Kids, back
when we were younger,

Your uncle marshall and I were
really into college basketball.

Every year, March madness would
take over the entire apartment.

Hey. What's with
the blackboard?

It's our ncaa bracket.

Big board equals big luck!

Hey, that looks familiar.

Where did you get it?

Hello.

Uh, I'm looking
for my wife, ms. Aldrin.

There's no school today.
It's Saturday.

(sighs) of course.
How could I forget?

(laughs)

Dumb ass.

(snaps fingers)

♪

Big board!

Big luck!

We found it.
No big deal.

Anyway,

Every year, ted and
I go in together

On this big money pool
out in staten island.

Ted:
Yeah. The winner gets

$100,000 stuffed
in a duffel bag.

And you get to keep
the duffel bag.

Why do you guys
put yourselves through this?

You lose every year.

Ted:
That's because

In the past,
we were just guessing.

This year,
we watched every game,

Read box scores,
tracked injuries.

This isn't March madness.

This is March meticulously
thought-outness.

Your team lost 20 minutes ago.

I didn't know
they were playing today.

(sighs)

You okay, barney?

Something strange is going on.

I was down at the
hardware store,

Trying to get
a little somethin' somethin'.

Wait. You go
to the hardware store

To pick up girls?

There are four kinds of women

Who go to the hardware store
by themselves.

Of course there are.

Single, recently single,
recently divorced,

Lesbian who will let me watch.

You could not be more evil.

Sorry. Five.

Recently widowed. Mm.

So, I'm talking to this girl...

Look, I'm sure he's
in a better place.

Now let's find you
a sturdier ladder.

I was only gone
for a second when...

See? Skid-proof.

The same thing happened
at the pet store yesterday.

Pet store?

Single girl, mid-twenties,

Looking for a canine replacement

For the boyfriend
who just dumped her.

Instead, finds barney.

God bless you, ted.

You're reading my blog.

I'm really bored at work.

I'd call your ex a dog,

But that would be an insult
to little ladybug here.

Oh, I want to take
her home right now.

Not without a chew toy
from uncle barney first.

(laughing) okay.

Barney:
And when I got back...

I'm sorry, I'm already
spoiling her,

But diamond in the ruff?

Could your heart just melt?

Jerk!

(muffled):
Okay.

Weird, right?

Yeah. The same thing happened
last week at the museum.

All: Ooh, ooh, ooh! Lily.

You pretend to be a
struggling young artist

Who needs a new muse.

No. Marshall: Ooh,
ooh, ooh, ooh.

Casing the joint for a thrill

Money can no longer give you!

Oh. No.

Robin.

You're going blind,

And you're trying
to soak up all the beauty

In the world
before the darkness descends.

Bingo!
(groaning)

So, I was talking to this girl.

At this point, about 83%.

Soon, these audio guides
will be all that I have left.

I'm so sorry.

My god, you are beautiful.

Oh.
Hey.

How about I get you a headset

So you can see with
your ears like I do?

Uh...

Aah!

I'm s...

Aah! I...

I couldn't have been gone
more than 20 seconds,

But when I came back...

Hmm. You know, I also love
the smell of great art.

(groans)

Why does this keep happening?

Maybe you're not as good a
liar as you think you are.

Hmm.

Oh, really?

Then why am I not
in prison for perjury?

But I don't want
to talk about work.

Something

Weird is going on here.

Narrator: But the next
night got even weirder.

Alan alda.

It was alan alda.

You never gonna believe
what just happened.

Who was that, um, guy from mash?

The main guy. What...?

Hawkeye from mash.

How can I be blanking on this?

Alan alda?

No.

Woman: Hey, a word of advice?

That guy you were talking
to, barney stinson...

I know he seems charming,

But he's just saying
whatever it takes

To get in your pants.

Sleeping with barney was the
biggest mistake of my life.

Oh, my god. Where is she?

Oh.

She must have left.
She...

Well, she-she said
I hooked up with her?

What was her name?
What did she look like?

She didn't say her name,
but she had blonde hair, boobs.

Kind of trashy.

Dead in the eyes with an aura
of self-loathing and despair?

Yes!
That's all of them.

Okay. Stay calm.

Let's think this through.

One of the girls

Who I lied to,
seduced and abandoned

Is trying to ruin my life.

Shouldn't be too hard
to figure out which one it is.

Oh, dear god!

This is a nightmare.

Some woman that I slept with

And screwed over is trying
to ruin my life.

God, why is this happening
to me?

It's karma.

Nah, it's not karma.

She's stripping in vegas.

Plus, we're good.

Ted: Look, if you
want to figure out

Who it is, why don't you just
start by checking your list?

My list?

Dude, do not pretend
you're not the kind of guy

Who keeps a list of all
the girls he's slept with.

I have one.

It's called my marriage license.

Come on, let's see the list.

Ted, don't be crass.

I would never

Demean the women

That I've slept with
by putting their names

On some tawdry list.

This is a scrapbook

Of all of the women
I've slept with.

I made it at the
scrapbook barn on 7th.

Ask for heloise.
Tell her I sent you.

(scoffs quietly)

What do you think, lil?

You recognize the saboteur?

I don't know, barney.

I only saw her face.

(laughs) how many

Of these girls know
they're being photographed?

All of them, but only about half
buy a copy on the way out.

Oh, barney,
you're never gonna figure out

Which one of these
is the mystery woman.

All of these women have a right
to hate you.

Oh, lily, come on, lighten up.

I mean, any girl who's gonna
be with a guy like barney

And do this or that,

Or this and that,

Or do this with those in that...

Hmm. I mean, she should have
known what she was getting into.

Absolutely.
Mm.

And what I do with these women

Should be between me and them.

And you guys.

And heloise.

She helped me do the decoupage.
Hmm.

I don't know, barney.

I don't recognize any
of these women.

I mean, some minor celebrities,
one government official,

And what appears to be a
national fast food chain mascot.

Oh.

This is impossible.

There's too many girls.

How the hell am I gonna
narrow this down?

The top 64 women
I've slept with,

Split into four regions.

This tournament

Will systematically narrow down

Which girl has the most cause
to hate my guts.

Last girl standing
has to be the saboteur.

Absolutely not, barney.

We are not going to make a game

Out of the women you've tricked
into sleeping with you.

(all talking at once) no way!

The girl who thought
he had 12 hours to live

Has way more cause
to ruin his life

Than the girl
he fake proposed to.

It's fake proposal girl.

I mean, she hired
a wedding planner!

It's 12 hours to live! That girl
flew them both to paris!

Oh, she only bought him
a one-way ticket!

(all talking at once)

Okay, okay,
everybody! Hands.

Marshall, ted & lily:
12 hours to live!

Damn it!
Yeah.

Okay, toss up.

"Thought I was jorge posada,"

Or "you have my dead wife's
kidney?"

Kidney! Jorge posada!

She bought yankees season
tickets to watch him play!

That's true... It's
"dead wife's kidney."

How are we even discussing this?

Fake baby!
Lost at sea!

Fake baby!
Lost at sea!

I was there.

Trust me.

It's fake baby.

Down to the sweet 16.

And coming out of
the upper west side, we have

The number three seed, "girl
who thought I owned Google,"

Up against the number

Seven seed,

"girl who thought
I was a scuba instructor."

You got to go scuba instructor.

You're kidding me!

She got the bends!

Yeah, she did.

Boo.

Evil twin!

Prince of norway!

How could it not be
prince of norway?!

Barney, you're the tiebreaker.

I'm going with evil twin.

(all talking) you're kidding me!

Sorry, but I did sleep
with that girl twice.

As barney and larney.

Okay, we're down
to the final four.

What do you think, people?

Come on, dig deep.

Oh! I can't decide.

It could be any one of them.

Is that the blackboard
from my classroom?

Come on! Marshall?

I'm tired and sad.

Mosby?

(voice breaking):
I want to call my mom,

Just tell her I love her.

Okay.

Then this is as far as we get.

The final four.

It's got to be meg, anna,

Kate or holly.

We are gonna
track these girls down,

And you're going to tell me

Which one approached you
at the bar.

You guys stole my blackboard!

Okay, there's her building.

When she comes out,
I'm gonna hide,

And once you figure out
if she's the girl

From the bar, we run like hell.

No.

What do you mean, no?

That woman, like every woman

In your final four,
deserves an apology,

And I'm not telling
you if she's the one

Until I hear you
say, "I'm sorry."

Are you nuts? That would involve
me speaking to a woman

I've already had sex with,
which, frankly,

Is a little bit like changing
the oil in a rental car.

Ugh!

Barney, you're doing this.

Lily, this girl hates me.

I hooked up with her
in an apartment

I was pretending was my own,

Told her I loved her,
and then ditched her there.

She got arrested
for trespassing,

Bit a cop, and spent
eight days in jail.

Oh, crap, there she is!

If she sees me,
she's gonna kill me!

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
Hey, meg!

Over here!

Look who it is!

Your old friend barney!

Barney?

If she kills me, I want you
to go into my apartment,

Grab the metal briefcase
under my bed

And throw it in the east river.

What are you doing here?

Look, meg, we need to talk.
Shh.

It was all my fault.

I know it was, baby.

I just came on too strong.

And I forgive you.

I love you.

Oh, my god!

I love you, too!

No!

What's the matter with you?

Get off of him!

Look, she's not the one,

But you still owe her an apol...

So you remember who this
one is, right? Yes.

You told her you were ted
and that you were an architect.

Right, and if you recall,

Her computer had a web cam
and a t-1 line, so I...

Yeah, I know, barney,
you showed me.

And that still doesn't count
as a christmas present.

Go over there and apologize.

Ah, there she is.
Ooh,

And she's holding hot coffee.

Maybe she'll throw
it in your face.

You're really enjoying this,
aren't you?

I'm making a scrapbook.

Anna, hi.

Look who it is.

Mr. Big shot architect.

If you're here to ask me

To take down the web site,
forget it.

What web site?

Ted-mosby-is-a-jerk-dot-com.

You're right, I do deserve that.

That's all I came here to say.

You know what?

I don't care who knows about it.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I, ted mosby,

Am a jerk to women.

Tell your sisters.
Tell your daughters

To stay away!

Ted-mosby-is-a-jerk-dot-com.

Narrator: And that little web
site went on to get 400,000 hits.

Thanks, barney.

Okay, which one is this again?
She's...

Larney!

Why?!

Is it her?

Die!
Smile.

(grunting) you look good.

Have you lost weight?

We're down
to the number one seed.

I knew it was holly.

It had to be holly.

Man, I was hoping
it wasn't holly.

(car door slams, engine starts)

Barney, did you hear that?

Somebody's stealing my truck.

Barney?

(car leaving)

Barney!

(animal growling)

(shrieking)

That was the worst thing
you've ever done.

That is the worst thing
anyone has ever done.

But in my defense,

She was kind of annoying.

She's gonna kill you.

Barney.
Holly.

Mark, come over here.

Barney, this is my fiancé, mark.

Barney?

You're the barney who ditched
her in the woods?

(laughs)

So you're not mad at barney?

Don't you want an apology?

An admission of guilt?

Your truck back?

No, whatever happened
was in the past.

Mark is my present
and my future.

Mark: And if you ditching
holly in the woods

Made her stop running around
with guys like you,

Then cheers.

Well, then,

To the last
fourth of July weekend

I'll spend getting eaten alive
by mosquitoes.

Fourth of July?

We started dating in June.

(chuckles)

We ruined their lives.

And the worst part of it

Is that you didn't apologize
to any of those women.

No, the worst part is that

We still have no idea
who my stalker is.

Well, that's because you're
going about this all wrong.

I mean, why chase someone
who's following you?

All you need to do

Is go down to the bar,
hit on someone,

And wait until she turns up.

That's not a bad idea.

Ooh, ooh, I'll pretend to be
the girl that you're hitting on.

I don't know.
That's a lot riding on a girl

Who giggles when she lies.

I do not.

Have you ever fallen asleep
while eating ribs?

(giggling):
No.

Look, I can do this, okay?

I mean, how else are you
going to find out

Who this girl is.

I'm in.

Okay, here's
how it's gonna work.

Now, lily,

She knows what you look like,

So just hang out at the jukebox,

And don't draw any attention
to yourself.

And the guys will be
in the booth,

Just pretending to have
a normal conversation.

Talking, we should
be talking. Words.

Here are words.

Why is this so hard?

(laughing)

Laughter!

And then I'll come in,

Looking hot as all hell.

Wow, you are gorgeous.

Oh, god, I know that's awful.

I just, uh...
Shh, go away.

But come back later.

And then barney
will make his move.

Hey, there, how are you doing?

Fine, barney.

I mean, um,

Fine, stranger.

(giggles)

Wow, you really
are awful at this, aren't you?

Get your hand

Off my thigh, barney.

It's supposed to look like

We're about to hook up, robin.

You know, I'm curious.

What do you say to these girls

To get them to come
home with you?

Usually, I just

Lean in and whisper
this one thing in their ear.

You're a little turned on right
now, aren't you?

(giggling):
No.

Oh. Look, somebody's
watching us.

Make your move to the bathroom.

Uh, I'm going to go
to the bathroom now,

But, uh, when I come back
we'll go to my place

And have sex.

Ted:
Dude, dude, dude, look.

Blonde girl heading over
to robin right now. We are go.

I don't know
what to do with my hands.

What do I normally do
with my hands?

Barney.

I brought a copy of the bracket.

Which one is she?

I don't recognize her.

She's not on the top 64.

Not even on bracket.

Wow, cinderella story

Comes out of nowhere
to win the whole thing.

That'll warm your heart.

Are you okay?

I don't even recognize her.

Hey.

I don't remember you.

I've spent the last
two days trying to remember

Every girl that I've slept with
and all the horrible things

That I have done to them.

And I have done
some horrible things.

I mean,

At one point,
I'm pretty sure I sold a woman.

I didn't speak the language,

But I shook a guy's hand,
he gave me

The keys to a mercedes,
and I left her there.

I'm the guy who keeps
a scrapbook

Of all of the women
I have slept with,

But I never thought
I was the guy

Who would sleep with a girl
and not even remember her.

So from the bottom of my heart,

For whatever I did to you,

I apologize.

Oh, barney!

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

That's not her.

I'm so sorry.
What? What?

Barney, I'm sorry, that's
my friend sally from work.

We just ran into each other.

So I apologized for nothing?

Yes, but it was a great apology.

And a perfect way
to end my scrapbook.

I'm going to call this photo
"barney's redemption."

Could you stop
giving me the finger?

♪ One shining moment

♪ you reached for the sky

♪ one shining moment you knew

♪ one shining moment

♪ you were willing to try

♪ one shining moment

Narrator: Eventually,
barney did figure out

Who the mysterious girl was.

But more on that later.

(doogie howser, md
theme music playing)

Barney, come back to bed.

You have a shuttle launch
tomorrow.

And that asteroid that's
headed for manhattan,

It's not going
to destroy itself.