How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 13 - Ten Sessions - full transcript

Narrator: Kids, sometimes
in life you see someone,

And you just instantly know

This is the person for you.

It can happen anywhere.

Even the waiting room
of a tattoo removal clinic.

And that's what happened
when I met...

Stella.

Ah, the butterfly tramp stamp.

My bread and butter.

So I'm guessing that
the real story

Involves a bad breakup
and some booze.

Unless it's a gang tattoo,

In which case, I think it's
time to find a new gang.

No, I just thought
it would be cool

To get a caterpillar tattoo,

And then a few weeks went by,
and all of a sudden...

(laughing)

Well, I can get rid of it
in ten one-hour sessions,

But, I should warn you,
laser surgery's very painful.

Well, I think you'll find

I have a very high
tolerance for pain.

Just last night, I sat through
the worst movie ever made.

Oh, plan 9 from outer space?

No, the worst movie...
Manos: Hands of fate.

Uh, I'm a doctor,
went to medical school.

It's plan 9.
If you don't believe me,

It's playing down
at the pamela theater.

Uh-huh.
I don't believe you, doctor.

Well, what are you
doing tonight?

Hello.

Hey, ted.
Hey.

Hey, put that away.
Tonight's on me.

Oh, no, no, don't...

Come on, I insist.

That's so nice. Thank you.

Hey, guys,
this is my friend ted.

He wants to pay.

Oh, wow. Oh, yay.
Wow, thank you.

One, two, three, four.

Is something wrong?

No, it's just, um...

I'm just a little embarrassed.

I thought this was a date.

But it's no big deal.

Don't worry about it.

What's wrong?

Ted's embarrassed... he
thought this was a date.

Ted thought this was a date.

Stella, did you know ted
thought this was a date?

What? I'm not allowed
to date a patient.

It's an ama rule.

She's not allowed
to date patients.

It's an ama rule.

She's not allowed
to date patients.

It's an ama rule.

She's not allowed to date...

Yeah, I got it.

Man:
We all got it.

Ted's a schmuck.

(laughter)

(laughing)

And you bought all the tickets.
Yeah, yeah.

Hey, you were right.

Worst movie-going
experience ever.

Of course, it had nothing
to do with the movie.

I am so sorry that you
thought that was a date.

No, it's fine.

I got to hang out with you
on girls' night out.

All right, so if you're not
allowed to date a patient,

I'll just... I'll wait until
these ten session are up

And then I'll ask you out then.

Well, then, fair warning:

I'm going to say no.

Really? I'm getting mixed
signals from you.

I feel like you've been staring
at my ass for quite some time.

What, you're married?
No.

Boyfriend?
No.

Lesbian?
No.

Only date black guys?
No.

And yet you can say
with absolute confidence

That ten weeks from now,
if I ask you out on a date,

Your answer will be...

No.

No... Hmm.

What could she mean

When she says no?

I don't know,

It is totally cryptic.

This is far from over.

We're talking ten weeks
from now.

Who knows what she'll want then?

I mean, do you know what
you're going to want

For lunch ten weeks from now?

Sloppy joe, shrimp cocktail
and a milk shake.

Ted, do you know how long
it takes a woman

To decide whether or not
she's going to sleep with a guy?

8.3 seconds.

After that,

Her decision is made.

She will not change her mind.

That's ridiculous.

Is it?

Describe your first
8.3 seconds with stella.

Lower back butterfly tattoo...

You're up.

(patients laughing)

(all groaning)

So we got off to a rocky start.

That may be a problem
for some guys,

But I get better over time.
Right?

I'm not some top 40 song...

Easily digestible.

I'm complex.

I require time
and multiple listens.

I'm "stairway to heaven."

Wow, roger daltrey just
rolled over in his grave.

That's not the right guy, is it?

He's not even dead, is he?

I think that's great, ted.

You can do whatever
you set your mind to.

In fact, you've inspired me.

I'm going to stop
biting my nails.

But, baby, you love
biting your nails.

I know, but I'm
doing this for ted.

Hmm.

God, this is really hard.

Give me ten sessions,

I'm going to turn that "no"
into a "yes."

Really, ted?
Mm-hmm.

You think so?
Mm.

Well, tell me, how did
the rest of that session go?

This is going to hurt a little.

Yeah, well, I can handle pain.

This one time
I was playing tennis, and...

(high-pitched screaming)

Yeah, but tattoo
removal really hurts.

Everyone probably
sounds like that.

Doctor, are you all right?

I heard a woman
screaming in here.

Oh.

(laughing)

Here's to nine more
great sessions.

(laughter continues)

Narrator:
And so the weeks went by.

The second session I told her
about how I spent a summer

Working with inner-city kids.

The third session we both spoke
nothing but french.

The fourth session
I made her laugh so hard,

She fell out of her chair.

(laughing)

So by the time the fifth
session came around...

Still no.

Still no.

What's up with that?

I mean, I juggled.

You juggled?

I thought you were
trying to impress her.

You do magic.

How is juggling
any lamer than magic?

Magic's not lame.

I don't get it.
I mean...

Is this lame?

(screams) oh, barney, no, no!

We said no fireballs
at the table.

What the hell is wrong with you?

There's alcohol in here.

Barney...
I...

We've talked about this.

It's a fire code violation.

Yeah, but ted provoked me.

No, no, you are
on a time-out.

Go sit over there.

But...
Go!

Anyway... I don't get it.

She should be into me by now.

You know, you can do this, ted.

I said that I would
stop biting my nails,

And kablam-ey.

It's just a challenge.

It can't be easy to woo someone

While you're sticking your
naked butt in their face.

Works for baboons.

It's called "presenting."

I got four sessions left.

Ther-there's got to be
an angle I'm not seeing.

You can't turn a "no"
into a "yes," ted.

Can't be done.

I don't know, barney.

I mean, sometimes
persistence pays off.

I said "yes" eventually.

No, you didn't.

You were like, "no, we
can't, we're friends."

It would mess up the
dynamic of the group."

To ted.

Oh, right.

Wait a second.

Wait a second, I got the angle.

Sir, please don't yell at me,

Because when people yell at me,

I have a tendency
to start crying.

Please don't do it.

Abby, I've told you before.
Please.

When they're rude to you,
hang up the phone.

Man on phone: How difficult
it is for me to... Go on,

You can do this, hang up.

Abby,

Hang it up.

I am too busy
to waste my time...

I'm sorry, I just wish

That some of the patients
would be nicer to you.

The receptionist.

That's my way in.

I like this.

Seduce the receptionist.

That's a great plan.

That's not the plan.

And how would that help me
with stella?

Who?

Here's the plan.

(whistles)

Hi. Here.

I stopped...

Hi, I stopped for coffee

And I... And I thought
I'd grab you something.

Oh, wow, thank you,
that's so nice.

You're like a knight.

I should call you sir ted.

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

(laughing nervously):
It's really stupid.

Um, dr. Zinman, ted's here.

Thanks.
Thanks, abby.

And now we wait.

And sure enough,

By session seven,

She saw me in a whole new light.

Okay, I'm about
to break my big rule here.

Break it.

Okay.

Abby goes bowling

With her church group
every Wednesday night...

Mm-hmm... And she really wanted
to invite you, but she's too shy.

(clicks tongue)

Abby is...?

My receptionist.

You really made
quite an impression on her

With the coffee the other day.

I mean, she has really
not stopped talking about you.

Oh, abby.

I thought you said "alan."

But you just said, "abby is...?"

Right.

Right, I thought I said "alan."

Who's alan?

Who's abby?

My receptionist.

Exactly.

What is happening?

(groaning):
Ted,

You just got to be
yourself, no more gimmicks.

You're right, no more gimmicks.

One more gimmick.

Ted:
You know what's on her shelf?

That self-help book
the power of me.

(all groaning) I know,
I know, but I thought

If I read it, maybe we'd have
something new to talk about.

(all groaning)

It's actually a great book.

It taught me the power
of complete memory.

Can I borrow your copy?

I left it somewhere.

I forget.

Hi.

Ted mosby for dr. Zinman.

Hi, ted.
I'll let her know.

Telepathically?

(laughing):
That's funny.

That's funny, smart, and great.

I am so sorry that I am late.

I have, like, two minutes
for lunch everyday.

It's crazy.
Yeah, I understand.

I was just, uh, checking out
the old bookshelf here.

I see you've read
the power of me.

It's funny...
What? Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, I would
never read that piece of crap.

Some patient left it here.

Oh, thank god.

(chuckling):
I couldn't agree more.

That's total crap.

I see people reading that
on the subway

And I just want to shout,
"get a life, people!"

Ted, I found your book.

Your book, the power of me.

I think you accidentally
dropped it in the garbage.

What? No, that's...
That's not mine.

I've never seen that before
in my life.

No, you were reading it
in the lobby.

Wha... no, you have me confused
with someone else.

No, no, look right here.

"From the personal library
of ted mosby."

That's you.

Ted, I hate to say this,

But I think it's "nail
the receptionist" time.

I'm not gonna nail
the receptionist.

Ted, every little boy
wants to grow up

To nail the doctor
or the lawyer.

Somebody's gotta nail
the receptionist.

No. I like stella.

Okay, I'm gonna stop you
right there, ted.

Your little stella
is not so perfect.

What do you mean?

I went down there

And checked her out for myself.

Yeah.

And while I was down there,

I discovered that
she had a secret,

A terrible... Terrible secret.

What?

What is it?

Hold on, I gotta pee.

Okay, I'm back.

What's going on at work?

What's the big secret?!

Oh. Oh, right.

Hi, I'd like
to see dr. Zinman, please.

Sure, what's it regarding?

Oh, I just want to see her.

Want to look at her,
see what she looks like.

I-I don't understand.

I'm sorry, did I accidentally

Oprima numero dos when I called?

Do you speak english?

I want to see her!

Sir, please don't yell at me

Because when people yell at me,

I have a tendency
to start crying.

Barney:
What are your credentials?!

Please don't do that. Please.

I want to know
who am I speaking with!

Barney:
At first she seemed great,

Beautiful, smart,

Way out of your league.

But then I overheard
this conversation.

My grandfather's name...
I was the last-born so...

Oh, abby, did my
hypnotherapist call yet?

No.

(sighs)

When am I going to kick
this folliculaphilia?

(sighs heavily)

Folliculaphilia?

Folliculaphilia.

What is that?

Ted, your perfect woman

Can only be attracted
to men with moustaches.

That is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

That's not real.

You're right, ted.
I'm just making that up.

I know that you are
because there's no such thing.

I got it a little bit.

Hi. Uh, ted mosby
for dr. Zinman.

Oh, hi, ted.
Love the 'stache.

You look like a young
tom selleck,

Only a million times handsomer.

Dr. Zinman,
magnum's here to see you.

Just kidding.

Stupid.

Sorry I'm late.
Typical two-minute lunch.

So we are very close
to getting...

(laughing)

(cackling)

Why? Just why?

Y-you don't remember?

I'll bet anyone ten bucks

I can get ted
to grow a moustache.

Uh... Okay.

You sabotaged my next to last
chance with stella

For ten dollars?

I know.
I would've done it for free.

But no. You owe me ten bucks.

This is awful. My-my tenth
session is next week.

I'm gonna ask her out,
and she's gonna say

The most demoralizing syllable
in the english language... no.

You know what?
Just forget it.

I'm not even gonna ask her.

No, you have to.
She likes you.

She said so herself.

I mean...

Oh, my god,
you went and saw her, too.

I swear to you, I did not.

My wife's always getting
on me about my dry elbows.

So good to be in a relationship.

Anyone special in your life?

Or maybe just someone
you're interested in?

Interes-ted in?

You know, we should really
get this mole checked out.

It's just a little irregular.

Marshall:
Irregular? Oh, my god.

This is it. It's all over.

One of my patients has this

Little butterfly tattoo
at the bottom of his back.

Can you stop talking about
your other patients?!

I'm dying here, woman!

There you go. Look,
even if it is something,

It's easily treatable,
so try to relax.

Okay.

Hey, what was it
you were saying before

About the guy
with the butterfly tattoo?

Oh, that... That's nothing.

It's just a little crush.

So I will be calling
you with your results.

Oh. Okay. Thank you.

Oh, sir, your book!

No.

Yes.

She said "crush"?

And she was talking about me?

Narrator: That last session
was the least painful of all.

I savored every searing blast
of that laser.

The moment I'd waited
ten weeks for had arrived.

Stella...

Now that I'm
no longer your patient,

Would you like
to have dinner with me?

Ted, you're a really nice guy...

Oh, no.

It has been so great
getting to know you.

I am gonna kill marshall.

I've had so much fun
these past ten weeks.

Oh, my god, this is worse
than the laser.

I have a daughter.

What?

Her name's lucy.
She's eight.

Work and being with her,
that's pretty much my life.

My social calendar

Is movie night with the girls
once a month

When I can get a sitter.

I mean, I've been to one party
in the past year...

St. Patty's day...
It was awful, I left early.

But, really, my only free time

Is the two minutes
I get for lunch, so...

This is why I don't date.

Ted, I only have time

For one most important person
in my life, and that's lucy.

Anyway, it's been fun.

Next time, think before you ink.

But if you ever do
wake up with, like,

A dolphin tattoo on your ankle,
just give me a call.

There it is...

She's a mom.

It's just not gonna happen.

Sorry, dude.

Have a shrimp.

I'm good.

I guess I got no one
but myself to blame.

She told me right from the start

She was gonna say no
and sure enough...

Wait a minute.

Hi.
Hi.

You didn't actually say no.

What do you mean?

All this time you were, uh,
you were supposed to say no,

But you didn't...
I checked the transcript.

(laughs)

So, here's what I'm proposing.

Uh... You only have
two minutes, right?

Right.

Okay. You want to, uh...

Go on a a two-minute date
with me?

Last two-minute date I
had gave me a daughter.

But, um... Okay.

Great.

And... Go.

Taxi!

Ted, I seriously only
have two minutes...

♪ won't you let me
walk you home from school? ♪

That's like 120 seconds.

380 west 22nd, please.

And step on it.
We're in a hurry.

380 west 22nd?
That's...

♪ won't you let me meet you
at the pool? ♪

Aha!

Right this way.

(laughing):
Thank you, sir.

You know, I have always
wanted to try this place.

House salad.
Oh.

So, college?

Stanford.

Uh-huh. Wesleyan.

Oh, good. Do you
know adam lazar?

No. Scott crable?
Mm-mm.

Eggplant parmesean.

Thanks. Oh, already cut up.
Nice.

Could we get the check, please?

We're trying to make a movie
in 15 seconds.

Of course.
Okay, great.

Uh, how do you want to do this?

You had the eggplant parm.

I only really had water, so...

I'm kidding.
Oh.

Okay. Let's go.

Taxi! You nervous?

A little bit.
You can't tell at all.

Oh, good.
Yeah.

Hello!

♪ Tell him what we said
'bout "paint it black" ♪

384 west 22nd.

♪ Rock 'n roll is here to stay 15 seconds.
The movie's started.

Nah, previews.
We'll be fine.

♪ Come inside where it's okay

Ah! Just in time.
It hasn't started yet.

So, what are we seeing?

Manos: Hands of fate.

The whole thing?

Only the important parts.

♪ And I'll shake you

♪ ooh-hoo

Worst movie ever.

Yeah, I almost walked
out, like, five times.

How we doing
on time? Taxi!

We got a little time.

Okay. Do you want
to walk it?

Why not?

Hello!

Good-bye!

So what grade's
your daughter in?

Third grade.

Ah! That's a good year.

Yeah, she's wonderful.

I just wish that I could get
her to quit smoking, you know?

What?
I'm kidding.

Oh. Look, coffee and dessert?
(sighs)

You know, this neighborhood
just keeps on changing.

This used to be a cute,
little italian restaurant.

I know. New york.

It's a living organism,
an ever-changing tapestry.

Ooh, look at the time.

Mmm, the cheesecake's amazing.

Flowers?

I'm allergic.

Okay. See? We're getting
to know each other.

Stella, I had a lovely...

Doggy bag?
Oh.

Stella, I had a lovely time.

Me, too, ted.

And... Date.

(chuckles) huh?

That wasn't so bad, right?

No lengthy, awkward silences.

Dessert ran a little long, so...

I had to cut the
good-night kiss.

I think I can be late just once.

Ted...

Look, I would love
to have a second date, I would.

But I understand that you really
don't have time right now,

But if you ever do,
will you give me a call?

Yes.

Okay.

And that, kids,
is how you turn a "no"

Into a "yes."

All my friends told me,
"abby, be strong.

He doesn't deserve
another chance."

No, no, no.
But I forgive you!

No, no, no, no!

He seemed so nice,
but then he just kept

Toying with my emotions.

Wow.

This ted guy
sounds like a real jerk.

You know your problem?

You're too sweet.

Aren't you going to see
the doctor about that mole?

Oh, yeah.

Turns out it's just a raisinet.

Hey, how would you like

Me to take you out
to a fancy restaurant

And then go on a shopping spree?

Treat you the way
you should be treated.

Would that make you forget
about that ted monster?

My mom was wrong.

There are nice guys in new york.

We just have to go
by my hotel room first.

My bed was broken.

I just have to make sure
they fixed it.

Well, then if it's fixed,

Can we can have sex on it
and then go shopping.

I like you.