How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 12 - No Tomorrow - full transcript

On St-Patrick's Day, Ted follows Barney to a bar to party like there's no tomorrow, while Robin discovers something strange about Marshall and Lily's new apartment.

but by 2008 we'd all had enough.
Well, most of us.
To barney stone.
- Look it's the ridler. -That's not the ridler.
That's gumby.
Can we tie you in a knot later.
Hey nba player sidelined by a knee injury.
all right, laugh all you want but
This is my lucky st. patty's day suit.
I have dry cleaned many a
Stain off this baby.
You know why it's lucky
Because it's green.
The color of go as in let's.
Barney we talked this
Over and we're not doing st.
Patrick's day this year.
Come on.let's...
Are you -- wow, okay.
I think I got to lie down.
Can we shoot pool on you?
No, no!
Unacceptable.
That's so not raven.
What are you going to do instead.
We just got the keys to
Our new apartment so we're
Going to hang that painting have board game night.
You're welcome to join us, if you want.
Board game night?
Board game night!
Come on!
Let's drink green beer.
Let's do green jello shots
Where is your st. patrick's
Day spirits
We're drinking green tea.
With caffeine.
sorry, we're grown ups now,
We can't fly up to neverland with you anymore
All right, fine,
You know what,I'll celebrate st. patrick's
Day by myself.
I don't need you people.
You make me physically ill!
He did look a little green.
Hello?
Hey. happy st. patty's day.
How are you? I've been talking to you forever
- Who is it? - It's ted's butt.
Damn it! My phone keeps pocket dialing.
That's like 8th times today.
In fairness I did call
Ted's butt about 2:00 this afternoon.
Just long enough to call you back.
Barney?
Where are you.
In a cab, heading downtown with our hot and
Sexy dates for the evening.
Yes, it happens that fast!
You're coming with us.
For the last time.
All right,
I didn't want to tell you this
in front of marshall and Lilly
They are old and married and it's too late for them anyway
but ted, the world is
Going to come to an end tonight.
Yes, think about it.
End of the world, Nostradamus£¬notre dame,
Fighting irish.
Irish, st. patrick's day.
This is it, bro.
bro
Apocalypse now.
bro? megandon
You are young, you're single.
You will have so much more
Fun with me.
Do you want to spend your
Last night on earth playing
Board games with marshall and lilly?
My hands smell weird.
Smell this.
They do, that's new.
I'll be there in five minutes.
Yes all right!
He's in.
Ted is a great guy.
You're going to love him.
So on march 172008, I went
To a big st. patrick's day party.
And it's a good thing I did
Because funny story,
Your mother was there.
Hi, have you med ted.
Hi, I'm mary.
Hi, happy st. patty's day.
I haven't met ted either.
- I'm stefanie. -Hi
Dude, back off. I called this on stefanie.
Okay, mary's hot.
Well then I want mary.
Fine.
Oh, I see reverse psychology.
Then I'm sticking with
- Stefanie dr. frid. -Ok
Which one do you want more.
Either one.
I want them both.
You're an idiot.
It may be a moot point.
It doesn't look like we're getting in.
Look at this.
You know why there's a line,
it's because i ditched marshall and lilly
And now the universe is
Punishing us for it, that's why.
What's it going to cost us
To get in, $20?
$40.
Dude come on, you're making the we folk look bad.
just give me your pot of gold.
Is it just you two?
Don't worry we're not gonna blow your race here.
We happen to have two very hot girls with us.
Mine is the hotter one.
Sorry guys, if it was
Just you two, you can go in
Right now.
We have nothing but girls in there.
People will start thinking it's a lesbian bar
Would you excuse us for just a minute?
Ted I'm going to be honest
I was full of it with
that Nostradamus thing
but I'm starting to think there's
Serious planetary crap going on here tonight.
Never in the history of new
York city nightclub has
There been a shortage of dudes.
Not even during the great
Dude shortage of 1883.
We've got to ditch these girls.
You dragged them all
The way down here.
I don't see no ring on this finger.
Hold on.
Excuse me.
Are the girls in there
Hotter than our dates?
I don't know if they're hotter
But they're drunker.
Rock and roll.
Welcome to your new dream home my lady.
All right, all right.
Put me down, robin thinks we're weird.
No it's fine,
it was only weird on the subway.
I'm going to check the other rooms to see if
The previous owners left us any free stuff.
I'll hang our first piece of art,
There's already a nail,
hey lily, free nail!
score!
- How's that. -perfect.
Now this is ridiculous
Is it the nail?
- Marshall -Is the wall cookt crooked or something?
- Marshall -Is there a draft in here.
Marshall,
what?
Your apartment is crooked.
What do you mean?
It was the kind of thing
You didn't notice Until you noticed it.
and once you noticed it, you couldn't not notice it.
Lilly an marshall's new apartment
Was crooked.
Oh, no!
No, no!
Oh, no, no! no, no!
Yes.
Are you telling me that
We just spend our entire
Life saving on a crooked apartment?
Oh my god
Oh, she's gonna fret
Look what I found in the
Kids' room, free skateboard,
Score one
Free hungry, hungry hippo.
Double score!
I'm going to check the kitchen
How can she not notice.
It's like the last 20 minutes of titanic in here.
We have keep this quiet,
If lilly finds out her dream house crooked
It will break her heart.
Free salad Strainer.
I love this place
Just for tonight, okay?
Ok
It's going to be an uphill battle.
I'm just saying we have to
Think of the right angle.
I have a third one but I'm
Not going to say it.
I think we've stumbled
Into some sort of ethical Worm hole.
- Green suit -yeah
I ditched marshall and lilly
And was rewarded with two beautiful girls.
Suits made of green.
We bailed on those two beautiful girls
and now we're
Being rewarded with a sea of Beautiful girls.
38 long.
Like the laws of the
Universe are working in reverse.
Can you put it on my tab.
What's the last name.
Guido.
I'm going to try something to see if this works
- hey -hey what kind of do you get?
What's your name.
- Garido. -Dude
you're right. make it two bottles
Now we wait and see something good
Oh, hello
St. patrick's tradition
If you're not wearing green,
You have to get punished.
well this is what i deserved
I'm not wearing green either.
This is deep teal the
Lighting makes it.
I'm Ted
Asheley, with two Es
please Cs at most.
You guys can join me and friends.We have a bottle of Tequila
and shockingly deep belly buttons.
Okay, it's official, do
Bad things, good things happen.
Ted, listen, are you hearing that?
That's the universe.
The universe is talking to us.
We don't have to build a baseball field, do we?
No the universe is
Telling us that we have a free pass tonight.
The universe is saying that
We don't have to live in
Fear of the -- are you still there?
Yeah, I'm still here.
For the repercussions of our actions.
There is no waiting for tomorrow
because do you know why ted?
There is no tomorrow.
No tomorrow, huh?
By the way mr. garido,
With your champagne you get
A free complimentary caviar.
Enjoy.
Not tomorrow
Not tomorrow
Hey wonder what the
Grown-ups are doing right now?
I win again!
Why do I keep winning?
Maybe your hip spoe just
Hungrier than ours.
That's it.That's what is.It's not gravity
that's for sure. I'll tell you that.
What's that?
What's going on here?
Okay, lilly.
While you were in the other
Room, robin and I
We discovered something about this apartment
It's not a big deal.
It's not like a disaster,
It's just something that
We're going to have to learn to live with.
Robin and I saw a ghost.
What?
He's kidding, right?
No, we really saw a ghost.
What did it look like?
A sheet with two holes
He was a Confederate general
Who was wounded at the battle of Antietam
and died at the army
Hospital which once stood on this very spot
And now he wanders these halls
vowing revenge against the union he once failed in
But he seems nice. good guy.
You see ghosts everywhere.
You see ghosts at starbucks.
That kenny g holiday cd
Just flew off the shelf.
Last time that happened.
Robin you're a skeptic so if
You say you saw a ghost,.
It passed right
Through me and suddenly i
Felt cold.
So very coal. cold.
You know ashley, you
Probably just want to get up
And walk away but I just
Have to test out this theory
I've been working on.
Tonight, I'm not looking for
A relationship.
I really just want to hook
Up with you, leave before
Breakfast and never see you again.
I'm in.
Unbelievable.
Hot damn, that's a deep naval!
No tomorrow ted!
No tomorrow barney.
No tomorrow, huh?
I like that idea.
Because if there is a tomorrow,
I'm going to be in
A lot of trouble.
Why is that?
I'm married.
Tell me you're messing
With me guys.
You didn't actually see a ghost
it's not a big deal baby.
He seemed friendly.
You said he's a Confederate general,
they're the bad guys.
And he's probably racist!
He seems polite.
He has courtly southern manners.
How can we bring our kids here.
I don't want a confederate general ghost teach them racism!
He loves people of all colors and creeds.
He was fighting for state rights.That's all.
You have said he was wearing a sheet,
what do you think that means?
The apartment is crooked!
What?
Robin and i
Didn't see a ghost.
The floor is crooked, isn't it?
Yeah.
We spent our entire
Life savings on this particular.
The next 30 mortgage paying
Years of our lives will be
Spent on a floor an it's crooked!
Thanks a lot, robin.
How is racist
Ghost bear than crooked?
Someone tell me how that's better.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's okay.
So I'm having second thoughts about that theory.
I'm telling you if you want to know how old a woman
Is check her elbows.
Not that theory.
You have to be More specific, ted
Because I have so many theories.
The whole do bad, good things happen.
Asheley is married.
So?
What do you mean so?
Open your brain tank,
Because here come fromPremium 91 octane knowledge.
There's three rules of cheating.
It's not cheating if you're not the one whose married.
It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels
And it's not cheating if she's in a different area code.
You're fine on all three counts.
How do you know she's from a different area code.
She's 516
She may dress like 718, she might act like 212
But trust me, she is 516
Oh and her husband
Letting her out alone on st.Patty's day
if that guy is not 973, I'm 307.
Wyoming.
Maybe we can nail down all our furniture.
We won't be able to get a pinball machine.
Unless we put a book under two of the legs or something.
But if we wanna read those books.this is a nightmare.
Can't raise our kids here.
They will grow up slanted.
If we have a daughter,
we have to call her ilene.
I don't think we can live here marshall.
I don't know what we're gonna to do.
Marshall?
Open the door.
If I make to it the door
That's five points.
Woo-hoo!
Yeah!
Five points.
10 bucks says I can do it backwards.
So lilly and marshall
Decided to make the best of A bad situation
and that's also how the apartment roller luge was invented.
Very careful, very, oh, yeah!
So she's married.
Not like she has kid.
How do you know?
Wrist! It's like you don't even listen to me.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Where did you go.
Well, I just.
Was it something I said.
No, no, no, it's just...
Well, you're married and
We've been drinking and i was worried we might...
This is a very bad idea.
We have a problem
Hey, hey, hey.
Is this your husband.
I've never seen him in my life
Ok, what's our problem
Rick, Rick garido
According to the bar tenor
I'm the guy who has been
Buying you shall pain all night
Ok, there's a very simple explanation
The next thing I know is the police show up,
They arrest the other guy
and I'm drinking for free the rest of the night
It was awesome
Awesome?
Yeah
You don't see anything wrong with that story
Well I lost my phone in the club somewhere
What the hell is wrong with you, dude?
I lose things
You kissed a married woman ted
You committed credit card fraud
You kissed a married woman
Do you know how offensive that is to me?
You're turning into barney
We don't need another barney
It's st. patty's day!
It wasn't as bad as it sounds
It wasn't as bad as it sounds?
Huh? okay.
I want you to hear exactly
How it sounds ted
First skipped message
I don't see no ring on this finger
And then last night
Started coming back to me
The real version
Are the girls this there hotter than our dates?
I don't know if they're hotter,
but they're drunker.
Rock and roll!
- How many messages did I... -17
Kids it's sometimes
Possible you're doing just fine in life
Next message
Can you put it on my tab?
Sir, what's the last name?
Garido.
And then someone opens your eyes a bit
And then you realize
Next message
I really want to hook up with you
Leave before breakfast an
Never see you again
Your whole world is off balance
Next message
out of whack
Ok, look, bro, there's a very simple explanation
Crooked
That was hard to listen to
No one sounds good in answerign machine
Thanks for doing that
You yelled at me
You got very firm with me
Very confident
It was cool
Thanks
You're very sexy when you yell marshall
Shut up
Crazy muscles in your neck
You're like the kentucky derby, winning streaks
You're ruining our last moment
At one point I thought we were going to kiss
Ted seriously
I'm married
A slanted floor
Architecturally speaking
Fixing that will be
Very very
Very expensive
And it's going to take some time too
So, looks like you're stuck with us for a
Little while longer if
That's okay
Are you kidding?
I love it
I don't know what's going to happen without you guys around
Where are you going
I'm going to get my stupid phone
So that was st. patrick's day 2008
I find out years later that your mom was at that party
I just didn't meet her
It's a good thing I didn't
Because if I had, I don't
Think she would have liked me
In fact I don't think I like me
But that's okay
Tomorrow had arrived
You see I didn't know it yet,
But my luck was about to change
I'm awesome!