How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Platinum Rule - full transcript
Barney and the gang try to convince Ted not to date the doctor that is removing his tattoo by giving examples of the Platinum Rule.
Oh, my god!
I have a tattoo.
Oh, that's not a tattoo.
That, dear boy,
is a tramp stamp.
A tramp stamp.
Ted:
Kids, too often in life,
We make decisions that we're
not prepared to live with.
This is a story
about those decisions,
And the consequences
that follow.
Say good-bye, kids,
'cause it won't be around
much longer.
Oh, but, ted, if you get rid
of the butterfly,
How's everyone gonna know
You're a stripper from reno
with daddy issues?
(laughing)
Yes, yes, enjoy these
Final moments of mockery
Because in just ten surprisingly
expensive sessions,
Stella is gonna zap
that butterfly
Right off the face
of my lower back.
Stella?
Dr. Stella zinman.
She's the best in the business.
And she's rather cute.
In fact... We're going
to a movie together tonight.
What?
I asked her out.
Oy. Oh. Ted, why
would you do that?
What's the matter with you?
What?
What do you mean?
Dude...
Don't poop where you eat.
Oh, no, this doesn't count.
If it's someone you see
on a regular basis,
And you can't avoid them...
And in this case,
you're paying them...
Then yes, it counts.
Ted,
You've heard
of the golden rule, right?
"Love thy neighbor?"
Uh, actually,
it's "do unto others"
As you would have them
do unto you."
It's from the bible.
Damn it, ted, I've worked out
this whole thing
Where the golden rule is
"love thy neighbor,"
So just... Okay?
Now, the golden rule is
"love thy neighbor."
But there's one rule above it:
The platinum rule:
Mmm.
"Never ever, ever, ever,
love thy neighbor."
Well, that's cute.
But she's not my neighbor;
she's my doctor.
So if you'll excuse me...
Wait, ted,
Barney has a point.
Remember what happened
With me and curt
down at the station?
Oh, yeah, and remember
what happened with us
And the gerards across the hall?
Need I remind you
About me and wendy the waitress?
Yeah, I don't have time
for this.
I'm out the door as soon
as I'm finished with my hair.
Good, then we've got
a solid half hour.
(all laugh)
And in that time,
We will convince you
Not to set foot out that door.
It's a story older
than time, my friend,
And it always plays out
in the same eight steps.
Step 1: Attraction.
No, that's not possible.
It's true.
That's not even possible.
12 of them.
There's no way.
Hi, barney.
Hey.
Here's your gin and tonic.
Thanks.
Oh, gosh.
Look at that.
Oh, hi!
Hi. You must be our
new neighbors.
I'm michael.
And I'm laura.
Oh, hi, welcome
to the building. Yeah.
Do you guys know any good
brunch places around here?
We love brunch!
You must be robin.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Curt "the iron man" irons.
I'm gonna be doing sports.
Oh. Welcome.
You look really familiar.
Are you a former athlete?
Hockey.
The attraction is
Instant and undeniable.
But you know better.
You've seen your friends
make the same mistakes
Before.
You've laughed smugly at them.
(chuckling):
Idiots.
But still, you think,
"this is different.
The platinum rule
doesn't apply to me."
And that's step 2.
Bargaining.
I think I've got
A little crush on our sports guy.
No.
No, don't do it. No, no, no, no.
I know, I know.
But he used to play hockey,
and I'm a canadian.
I can't help it.
If he were missing some teeth,
I probably
would've already hit that.
Robin, it's a mistake.
Remember what happened
with me and marshall?
The gerards across the hall?
Michael and laura.
They're awesome!
We're gonna invite them
over for dinner.
No! No! Really? Are you insane?
Guys, guys, guys,
This is new york city.
You don't get close
to the neighbors.
You nod at them politely
in the hall.
You call the cops if you
haven't seen them in a while
And you smell something
funny, and that is it.
We're not gonna date them.
We're just gonna be
friends with them.
That's the couples
version of dating.
And you've got the couples
version of the hots for them.
Oh, yeah,
You want to eat brunch
with them.
You want to browse
at pottery barn with them.
You want to go antiquing
with them, don't you?
Oh, yeah,
You want to antique
the crap out of them.
Need I remind you
What happened with me
and wendy the waitress?
I've decided to seduce
wendy the waitress.
No!
Don't do it!
Request denied!
What rule is there
That says I can't seduce the
waitress at my favorite bar?
I don't know. I'd expect you
to have one already.
Yeah, with some sort
of catchy name.
Well, I don't.
I don't have one
and I never will
Because it's a great idea.
Come on, guys.
She's gullible.
I'm bored.
We're perfect for each other.
Ted:
Barney.
We love this bar.
If you screw over
wendy the waitress,
You're going to kill the bar.
Bar-killer. Don't
kill the bar, dude.
Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.
And it was a huge mistake.
Yeah, well, I think
it'll be okay.
And it was a huge mistake.
Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.
And it was a huge mistake.
Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.
Ted, trust me.
You don't want to do this.
Look, stella and I
are both adults.
We're both smart, mature people
Capable of making
good decisions.
You have a butterfly
tramp stamp.
We're just seeing a movie.
If it seems at all weird,
I'll back off.
That's what everyone thinks.
And then along comes step 3:
Submission.
Night.
Hey, barney.
Carl had to take off.
You mind giving me a hand?
Not at all.
Robin.
Mmm?
I got two tickets
to the rangers.
Center ice.
Want to go?
And then we discover the movers
lost all our kitchen boxes.
We don't have
a single pot or pan.
Guess we're ordering
take-out.
Want to have dinner
with us tonight?
♪
♪
I love them.
Me, too.
(sighs)
Wow.
That was an interesting use
of the beverage gun.
Club soda can get anything off.
(sighs)
It finally happened.
All this time,
Every drink I brought you...
I always felt there was this
unspoken connection between us.
And I was right.
Hey, can I get a gin and tonic?
See, I bet you didn't pay
for that gin and tonic.
Oh, I paid for it.
But you got to admit,
there is an upside
To breaking the platinum rule.
Like maybe, as her boyfriend,
I could get a discount
on treatments.
Oh, ted.
Of course there's an upside.
At first.
That's step 4.
Perks.
We can split a cab
to work together.
We always have
a standing lunch date.
And last night,
at the hockey game,
Curt got us into
the locker room,
And I met mason raymond.
Left wing for the
vancouver canucks.
What's the opposite
of name-dropping?
Damn it, you guys.
Be psyched.
Yes, we see each
other every day,
But I think it's
going really well.
That's what we thought.
And it's so convenient.
They're right across the hall.
Say it's Sunday,
And we want to have a brunch
double date with someone?
We just go across the hall.
And say we want to
have a dinner party
Exploring the wine and cuisine
Of France's loire valley?
We just go across the hall.
Say we want to play
a game of charades...
You just go across the hall?
Come on, people.
Get excited for us.
We've got a great thing
going here.
That's what I thought.
Dude, you got to flick it.
You don't...
Hi, sweetie.
I had the kitchen whip
these up, no charge.
Okay.
Bye.
I mean, not bye.
I'm not leaving.
I'll be over there.
Okay.
Come on, guys.
Free nachos.
What?
We like this bar.
Don't kill the bar, dude.
Nay, we love this bar.
Don't kill the bar, dude.
This bar is like home to us.
Don't kill the bar, dude.
You're killing the bar.
I am not killing the bar.
Wendy the waitress
Has seen how I operate
in this place.
It is perfectly clear
To everyone involved
That this is nothing more
than a temporary fling.
It's fine.
But it wasn't.
It's fine.
But it wasn't.
It's fine.
But it wasn't.
Which brings us to step 5:
But he should be back
on the mound
By spring training.
And that's sports.
Back to you, robin.
Thanks, iron man.
We'll be right back.
Man:
And clear.
So you want to do
something later?
Oh, so you're talking to me now?
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about last night.
You said you'd call
and you didn't.
I missed you and I waited up,
but you didn't call.
That really hurt.
Oh.
Um, I'm sorry,
I-I guess I just forgot.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
I don't want to fight tonight.
It's our first weekiversary.
On my suggestion, you flip it.
Why would you flip it?
It doesn't...
Hey, wendy, uh, do me a favor
And send a glass of champagne
To that pretty young thing
over there.
What?
Over there.
You.
You're the pretty young thing...
Is what I meant.
Champagne? Would you? On me.
Oh. Okay.
Thanks, sweetie.
Okay.
All right.
Hey, neighbors.
We bought all the fixings
for a mexican fiesta.
Oh.
Um, well, we actually
have tickets...
And no fiesta would
be complete without...
Dude, actually,
we made other plans, so...
Okay. One word.
Two syllables.
Sounds like...
"parade."
charades.
Charades.
What do you say?
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Which brings us to step 6.
Yeah, listen, I'm leaving.
So if you want to write
the rest of these down,
I will read it tomorrow.
Don't do this, ted.
You want to get out of the way?
Don't do this, ted.
All right.
Don't.
Dude! Gah!
It was perfect!
You're such a jerk.
Which brings us to step 6.
You finally realize
you've made a huge mistake
And now you have to live
with it.
Step 6 is called purg...
Wait for it.
Keep waiting...
Keep waiting for all of eternity
Only to discover
there's no escape... atory.
God, I'm such
An idiot.
Yeah.
Curt "the iron man" irons
Keeps leaving me
love notes on post-its.
On the teleprompter, on my desk,
On the coffee-maker,
On the jar of sugar packets
next to the coffee-maker.
"Here's some sugar
for my sugar."
The iron man.
(sighing)
I remember that.
God, we are such idiots.
Yup.
Every time we step out the door,
They're out there
waiting for us.
Sometimes, we'll send ted out
first as a scout.
Nobody's there.
Then we'll go out one second
later, and there they are.
It's freakin' supernatural.
Are they ghosts?
Can only we see them?
"Hey, neighbor." "hey,
neighbor." "hey, neighbor."
(sighs)
Hmm, I remember that.
How could you guys let me date
wendy the waitress?
Oh, you are kidding me.
What?!
Don't kill the bar, dude.
We said, "don't do it."
My own bar.
I can't hit on women
in my own bar.
Remember the old barney?
He was a lion,
the king of the jungle,
Stalking whatever prey he chose,
Going in for the kill.
You've got a whole
meat locker at home
Full of corpses, don't you?
Now look at me.
Declawed. Neutered.
What was once
My jungle is now my zoo.
And I am forced to mate
with the same old lioness
Again and again and again,
While families pay to watch.
Yeah, this metaphor's really
falling apart.
Put a bell around my neck
and scratch my belly, kids,
For I am just
a docile housecat now.
Meow.
Well, we love this bar.
You can't dump her.
Marry her if you have to.
Wendy
the waitress-hyphen-stinson.
Don't kill the bar, dude.
And so, inevitably,
you have to do the thing
You've been dreading all along.
Now, a relationship-ectomy
Is a delicate surgery as it is,
But in the case of
the platinum rule,
It takes a very, very
steady hand, and that's...
Step 7: Confrontation.
Curt, we need to talk.
I like you...
Guys, we like you a lot...
I don't like you.
We're pretending this works,
but it doesn't.
And I'm getting a little
sick of the whole charade.
We're getting
a little sick of charades.
I mean, I don't like you
that way.
I used to like you that way.
But now that
I've seen everything
There is to see, I don't know,
I kind of want
to see those same parts
Just... On other girls.
So maybe, we could go back
to just being coworkers.
Maybe we should just go
back to being neighbors.
Other girls and you,
If you're into that.
But the other girls
have to be there, too.
That's the important part.
Gosh, you're just terrified
Of ever getting close to anyone,
aren't you?
Or that.
Let's say it's that.
So can I get a gin and tonic?
And in any other relationship,
That would be it.
End of story.
But because you have
to see this person again,
There's a step 8: Fallout.
Robin:
And now, here's
Curt "the iron man" irons
with sports.
Curt?
Curt?
Well, the knicks lost.
It's sad, really.
They had a real shot.
Then, out of nowhere, game over.
And why?
Why, robin?
Uh, well, their
perimeter shooting
Has been a little
bit off this season...
The knicks lost because they
were afraid of getting hurt.
So they didn't even try.
Well, you know what I think?
I think
The knicks didn't deserve
my love to begin with.
The knicks suck.
(sobbing)
And that's sports.
Lily:
Do you see anything?
Marshall:
I think we're clear.
Okay, go, go, go!
(hushed):
That was close.
(hushed):
Too close.
(knocking)
You've got to be kidding me.
What do we do?
I have no idea.
(knocking continues)
Ted:
Guys, are you there?
I forgot my keys.
Can you open up?
It's just ted.
Wait!
Hello?
(knocking)
Guys?
(mouthing words)
Baby, we only have one choice.
Okay, hurry! Michael
and laura are probably...
(lily screams)
Hey, neighbors.
Yeah.
(barney chuckles)
Barney, I just want you to know,
I have no hard feelings.
It wasn't the best idea
For us to get involved.
I hope we can still be friends.
Thanks, wendy.
Of course we can.
If you need anything else,
let me know.
Wow.
I've got to hand it
to wendy the waitress:
That was very mature of her.
She's gonna try to kill me.
This is poisoned.
What? You're being ridiculous.
Yours is poisoned, too.
She's trying to kill me
and everyone close to me.
What are you talking about?
Ted!
Look at the facts: I dump her
And she says,
"no hard feelings."
She's a psycho!
What other explanation is there?
Uh, that you're letting yourself
believe she's crazy
So you don't have to face
the far more likely possibility
That she doesn't want
to date you either?
Where did marshall
get that hamburger?
I don't know, I guess
Wendy the waitress
brought it to him.
Nooooooo!
Dude.
You're welcome.
Wait a second.
You've been sitting here,
Pretending to be
the expert on all this,
But the truth is,
there was no real fallout
From your breakup at all?
Yet.
You're an idiot.
All right, I'm taking off.
What?!
I have a date.
Wha...? You are such a jerk!
Ted, have you not
been listening?
Attraction,
bargaining, submission,
Perks, tipping point,
Purgatory,
confrontation, fallout!
These things will
all happen to you
As surely as they happened
to all of us!
It's a rule of nature!
Well, I'm sick of all the rules!
There's too many of them!
The hot/crazy scale,
the lemon law,
The platinum rule...
If everyone in the world
Followed every one
of your rules,
The human race
would cease to exist.
Yes, chances are
stella and I are not
Going to live
happily ever after.
The overwhelming odds
have it ending badly.
And when that happens,
It'll be for one
of a million possible reasons.
But that doesn't mean
I'm not gonna try.
And when it does fail,
So help me god, it's not gonna
be because of some rule.
P.S.
You just made my hair
look awesome.
Good night.
♪
So stella and I went
on our date.
But here's the funny thing:
Turns out,
it wasn't actually a date.
So what do you mean
"it wasn't a date"?
She thought we were seeing
a movie just as friends.
Why would she think that?
Did she see your tattoo
and assume you were gay?
Apparently, there's a rule
that says I can't date stella.
Exactly: The platinum rule.
Stella reads my blog.
No, this rule comes from the
american medical association.
Doctors aren't legally allowed
to date their patients.
Oh, sorry, ted.
Eh, it's okay.
What are you guys watching?
So that was the end of the story
Between me and stella,
at least for the time being.
But I don't know, looking back
on the platinum rule,
I think there's a ninth step.
We'll call it coexistence.
It's the moment you realize
that all that anger
And resentment
just isn't useful.
Thanks for watching.
Good night.
♪
And you start to let go of it.
Hey, guys.
So what do you guys
have going on tonight?
We're going to have
a few friends over.
Gonna play some charades.
Have fun.
♪
And move on with your life.
It just takes a while.
On the house.
Thanks.
Cuckoo!
I have a tattoo.
Oh, that's not a tattoo.
That, dear boy,
is a tramp stamp.
A tramp stamp.
Ted:
Kids, too often in life,
We make decisions that we're
not prepared to live with.
This is a story
about those decisions,
And the consequences
that follow.
Say good-bye, kids,
'cause it won't be around
much longer.
Oh, but, ted, if you get rid
of the butterfly,
How's everyone gonna know
You're a stripper from reno
with daddy issues?
(laughing)
Yes, yes, enjoy these
Final moments of mockery
Because in just ten surprisingly
expensive sessions,
Stella is gonna zap
that butterfly
Right off the face
of my lower back.
Stella?
Dr. Stella zinman.
She's the best in the business.
And she's rather cute.
In fact... We're going
to a movie together tonight.
What?
I asked her out.
Oy. Oh. Ted, why
would you do that?
What's the matter with you?
What?
What do you mean?
Dude...
Don't poop where you eat.
Oh, no, this doesn't count.
If it's someone you see
on a regular basis,
And you can't avoid them...
And in this case,
you're paying them...
Then yes, it counts.
Ted,
You've heard
of the golden rule, right?
"Love thy neighbor?"
Uh, actually,
it's "do unto others"
As you would have them
do unto you."
It's from the bible.
Damn it, ted, I've worked out
this whole thing
Where the golden rule is
"love thy neighbor,"
So just... Okay?
Now, the golden rule is
"love thy neighbor."
But there's one rule above it:
The platinum rule:
Mmm.
"Never ever, ever, ever,
love thy neighbor."
Well, that's cute.
But she's not my neighbor;
she's my doctor.
So if you'll excuse me...
Wait, ted,
Barney has a point.
Remember what happened
With me and curt
down at the station?
Oh, yeah, and remember
what happened with us
And the gerards across the hall?
Need I remind you
About me and wendy the waitress?
Yeah, I don't have time
for this.
I'm out the door as soon
as I'm finished with my hair.
Good, then we've got
a solid half hour.
(all laugh)
And in that time,
We will convince you
Not to set foot out that door.
It's a story older
than time, my friend,
And it always plays out
in the same eight steps.
Step 1: Attraction.
No, that's not possible.
It's true.
That's not even possible.
12 of them.
There's no way.
Hi, barney.
Hey.
Here's your gin and tonic.
Thanks.
Oh, gosh.
Look at that.
Oh, hi!
Hi. You must be our
new neighbors.
I'm michael.
And I'm laura.
Oh, hi, welcome
to the building. Yeah.
Do you guys know any good
brunch places around here?
We love brunch!
You must be robin.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Curt "the iron man" irons.
I'm gonna be doing sports.
Oh. Welcome.
You look really familiar.
Are you a former athlete?
Hockey.
The attraction is
Instant and undeniable.
But you know better.
You've seen your friends
make the same mistakes
Before.
You've laughed smugly at them.
(chuckling):
Idiots.
But still, you think,
"this is different.
The platinum rule
doesn't apply to me."
And that's step 2.
Bargaining.
I think I've got
A little crush on our sports guy.
No.
No, don't do it. No, no, no, no.
I know, I know.
But he used to play hockey,
and I'm a canadian.
I can't help it.
If he were missing some teeth,
I probably
would've already hit that.
Robin, it's a mistake.
Remember what happened
with me and marshall?
The gerards across the hall?
Michael and laura.
They're awesome!
We're gonna invite them
over for dinner.
No! No! Really? Are you insane?
Guys, guys, guys,
This is new york city.
You don't get close
to the neighbors.
You nod at them politely
in the hall.
You call the cops if you
haven't seen them in a while
And you smell something
funny, and that is it.
We're not gonna date them.
We're just gonna be
friends with them.
That's the couples
version of dating.
And you've got the couples
version of the hots for them.
Oh, yeah,
You want to eat brunch
with them.
You want to browse
at pottery barn with them.
You want to go antiquing
with them, don't you?
Oh, yeah,
You want to antique
the crap out of them.
Need I remind you
What happened with me
and wendy the waitress?
I've decided to seduce
wendy the waitress.
No!
Don't do it!
Request denied!
What rule is there
That says I can't seduce the
waitress at my favorite bar?
I don't know. I'd expect you
to have one already.
Yeah, with some sort
of catchy name.
Well, I don't.
I don't have one
and I never will
Because it's a great idea.
Come on, guys.
She's gullible.
I'm bored.
We're perfect for each other.
Ted:
Barney.
We love this bar.
If you screw over
wendy the waitress,
You're going to kill the bar.
Bar-killer. Don't
kill the bar, dude.
Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.
And it was a huge mistake.
Yeah, well, I think
it'll be okay.
And it was a huge mistake.
Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.
And it was a huge mistake.
Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.
Ted, trust me.
You don't want to do this.
Look, stella and I
are both adults.
We're both smart, mature people
Capable of making
good decisions.
You have a butterfly
tramp stamp.
We're just seeing a movie.
If it seems at all weird,
I'll back off.
That's what everyone thinks.
And then along comes step 3:
Submission.
Night.
Hey, barney.
Carl had to take off.
You mind giving me a hand?
Not at all.
Robin.
Mmm?
I got two tickets
to the rangers.
Center ice.
Want to go?
And then we discover the movers
lost all our kitchen boxes.
We don't have
a single pot or pan.
Guess we're ordering
take-out.
Want to have dinner
with us tonight?
♪
♪
I love them.
Me, too.
(sighs)
Wow.
That was an interesting use
of the beverage gun.
Club soda can get anything off.
(sighs)
It finally happened.
All this time,
Every drink I brought you...
I always felt there was this
unspoken connection between us.
And I was right.
Hey, can I get a gin and tonic?
See, I bet you didn't pay
for that gin and tonic.
Oh, I paid for it.
But you got to admit,
there is an upside
To breaking the platinum rule.
Like maybe, as her boyfriend,
I could get a discount
on treatments.
Oh, ted.
Of course there's an upside.
At first.
That's step 4.
Perks.
We can split a cab
to work together.
We always have
a standing lunch date.
And last night,
at the hockey game,
Curt got us into
the locker room,
And I met mason raymond.
Left wing for the
vancouver canucks.
What's the opposite
of name-dropping?
Damn it, you guys.
Be psyched.
Yes, we see each
other every day,
But I think it's
going really well.
That's what we thought.
And it's so convenient.
They're right across the hall.
Say it's Sunday,
And we want to have a brunch
double date with someone?
We just go across the hall.
And say we want to
have a dinner party
Exploring the wine and cuisine
Of France's loire valley?
We just go across the hall.
Say we want to play
a game of charades...
You just go across the hall?
Come on, people.
Get excited for us.
We've got a great thing
going here.
That's what I thought.
Dude, you got to flick it.
You don't...
Hi, sweetie.
I had the kitchen whip
these up, no charge.
Okay.
Bye.
I mean, not bye.
I'm not leaving.
I'll be over there.
Okay.
Come on, guys.
Free nachos.
What?
We like this bar.
Don't kill the bar, dude.
Nay, we love this bar.
Don't kill the bar, dude.
This bar is like home to us.
Don't kill the bar, dude.
You're killing the bar.
I am not killing the bar.
Wendy the waitress
Has seen how I operate
in this place.
It is perfectly clear
To everyone involved
That this is nothing more
than a temporary fling.
It's fine.
But it wasn't.
It's fine.
But it wasn't.
It's fine.
But it wasn't.
Which brings us to step 5:
But he should be back
on the mound
By spring training.
And that's sports.
Back to you, robin.
Thanks, iron man.
We'll be right back.
Man:
And clear.
So you want to do
something later?
Oh, so you're talking to me now?
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about last night.
You said you'd call
and you didn't.
I missed you and I waited up,
but you didn't call.
That really hurt.
Oh.
Um, I'm sorry,
I-I guess I just forgot.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
I don't want to fight tonight.
It's our first weekiversary.
On my suggestion, you flip it.
Why would you flip it?
It doesn't...
Hey, wendy, uh, do me a favor
And send a glass of champagne
To that pretty young thing
over there.
What?
Over there.
You.
You're the pretty young thing...
Is what I meant.
Champagne? Would you? On me.
Oh. Okay.
Thanks, sweetie.
Okay.
All right.
Hey, neighbors.
We bought all the fixings
for a mexican fiesta.
Oh.
Um, well, we actually
have tickets...
And no fiesta would
be complete without...
Dude, actually,
we made other plans, so...
Okay. One word.
Two syllables.
Sounds like...
"parade."
charades.
Charades.
What do you say?
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Which brings us to step 6.
Yeah, listen, I'm leaving.
So if you want to write
the rest of these down,
I will read it tomorrow.
Don't do this, ted.
You want to get out of the way?
Don't do this, ted.
All right.
Don't.
Dude! Gah!
It was perfect!
You're such a jerk.
Which brings us to step 6.
You finally realize
you've made a huge mistake
And now you have to live
with it.
Step 6 is called purg...
Wait for it.
Keep waiting...
Keep waiting for all of eternity
Only to discover
there's no escape... atory.
God, I'm such
An idiot.
Yeah.
Curt "the iron man" irons
Keeps leaving me
love notes on post-its.
On the teleprompter, on my desk,
On the coffee-maker,
On the jar of sugar packets
next to the coffee-maker.
"Here's some sugar
for my sugar."
The iron man.
(sighing)
I remember that.
God, we are such idiots.
Yup.
Every time we step out the door,
They're out there
waiting for us.
Sometimes, we'll send ted out
first as a scout.
Nobody's there.
Then we'll go out one second
later, and there they are.
It's freakin' supernatural.
Are they ghosts?
Can only we see them?
"Hey, neighbor." "hey,
neighbor." "hey, neighbor."
(sighs)
Hmm, I remember that.
How could you guys let me date
wendy the waitress?
Oh, you are kidding me.
What?!
Don't kill the bar, dude.
We said, "don't do it."
My own bar.
I can't hit on women
in my own bar.
Remember the old barney?
He was a lion,
the king of the jungle,
Stalking whatever prey he chose,
Going in for the kill.
You've got a whole
meat locker at home
Full of corpses, don't you?
Now look at me.
Declawed. Neutered.
What was once
My jungle is now my zoo.
And I am forced to mate
with the same old lioness
Again and again and again,
While families pay to watch.
Yeah, this metaphor's really
falling apart.
Put a bell around my neck
and scratch my belly, kids,
For I am just
a docile housecat now.
Meow.
Well, we love this bar.
You can't dump her.
Marry her if you have to.
Wendy
the waitress-hyphen-stinson.
Don't kill the bar, dude.
And so, inevitably,
you have to do the thing
You've been dreading all along.
Now, a relationship-ectomy
Is a delicate surgery as it is,
But in the case of
the platinum rule,
It takes a very, very
steady hand, and that's...
Step 7: Confrontation.
Curt, we need to talk.
I like you...
Guys, we like you a lot...
I don't like you.
We're pretending this works,
but it doesn't.
And I'm getting a little
sick of the whole charade.
We're getting
a little sick of charades.
I mean, I don't like you
that way.
I used to like you that way.
But now that
I've seen everything
There is to see, I don't know,
I kind of want
to see those same parts
Just... On other girls.
So maybe, we could go back
to just being coworkers.
Maybe we should just go
back to being neighbors.
Other girls and you,
If you're into that.
But the other girls
have to be there, too.
That's the important part.
Gosh, you're just terrified
Of ever getting close to anyone,
aren't you?
Or that.
Let's say it's that.
So can I get a gin and tonic?
And in any other relationship,
That would be it.
End of story.
But because you have
to see this person again,
There's a step 8: Fallout.
Robin:
And now, here's
Curt "the iron man" irons
with sports.
Curt?
Curt?
Well, the knicks lost.
It's sad, really.
They had a real shot.
Then, out of nowhere, game over.
And why?
Why, robin?
Uh, well, their
perimeter shooting
Has been a little
bit off this season...
The knicks lost because they
were afraid of getting hurt.
So they didn't even try.
Well, you know what I think?
I think
The knicks didn't deserve
my love to begin with.
The knicks suck.
(sobbing)
And that's sports.
Lily:
Do you see anything?
Marshall:
I think we're clear.
Okay, go, go, go!
(hushed):
That was close.
(hushed):
Too close.
(knocking)
You've got to be kidding me.
What do we do?
I have no idea.
(knocking continues)
Ted:
Guys, are you there?
I forgot my keys.
Can you open up?
It's just ted.
Wait!
Hello?
(knocking)
Guys?
(mouthing words)
Baby, we only have one choice.
Okay, hurry! Michael
and laura are probably...
(lily screams)
Hey, neighbors.
Yeah.
(barney chuckles)
Barney, I just want you to know,
I have no hard feelings.
It wasn't the best idea
For us to get involved.
I hope we can still be friends.
Thanks, wendy.
Of course we can.
If you need anything else,
let me know.
Wow.
I've got to hand it
to wendy the waitress:
That was very mature of her.
She's gonna try to kill me.
This is poisoned.
What? You're being ridiculous.
Yours is poisoned, too.
She's trying to kill me
and everyone close to me.
What are you talking about?
Ted!
Look at the facts: I dump her
And she says,
"no hard feelings."
She's a psycho!
What other explanation is there?
Uh, that you're letting yourself
believe she's crazy
So you don't have to face
the far more likely possibility
That she doesn't want
to date you either?
Where did marshall
get that hamburger?
I don't know, I guess
Wendy the waitress
brought it to him.
Nooooooo!
Dude.
You're welcome.
Wait a second.
You've been sitting here,
Pretending to be
the expert on all this,
But the truth is,
there was no real fallout
From your breakup at all?
Yet.
You're an idiot.
All right, I'm taking off.
What?!
I have a date.
Wha...? You are such a jerk!
Ted, have you not
been listening?
Attraction,
bargaining, submission,
Perks, tipping point,
Purgatory,
confrontation, fallout!
These things will
all happen to you
As surely as they happened
to all of us!
It's a rule of nature!
Well, I'm sick of all the rules!
There's too many of them!
The hot/crazy scale,
the lemon law,
The platinum rule...
If everyone in the world
Followed every one
of your rules,
The human race
would cease to exist.
Yes, chances are
stella and I are not
Going to live
happily ever after.
The overwhelming odds
have it ending badly.
And when that happens,
It'll be for one
of a million possible reasons.
But that doesn't mean
I'm not gonna try.
And when it does fail,
So help me god, it's not gonna
be because of some rule.
P.S.
You just made my hair
look awesome.
Good night.
♪
So stella and I went
on our date.
But here's the funny thing:
Turns out,
it wasn't actually a date.
So what do you mean
"it wasn't a date"?
She thought we were seeing
a movie just as friends.
Why would she think that?
Did she see your tattoo
and assume you were gay?
Apparently, there's a rule
that says I can't date stella.
Exactly: The platinum rule.
Stella reads my blog.
No, this rule comes from the
american medical association.
Doctors aren't legally allowed
to date their patients.
Oh, sorry, ted.
Eh, it's okay.
What are you guys watching?
So that was the end of the story
Between me and stella,
at least for the time being.
But I don't know, looking back
on the platinum rule,
I think there's a ninth step.
We'll call it coexistence.
It's the moment you realize
that all that anger
And resentment
just isn't useful.
Thanks for watching.
Good night.
♪
And you start to let go of it.
Hey, guys.
So what do you guys
have going on tonight?
We're going to have
a few friends over.
Gonna play some charades.
Have fun.
♪
And move on with your life.
It just takes a while.
On the house.
Thanks.
Cuckoo!