How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Yips - full transcript

Ted: Kids, back in 2007, it
seemed like everyone belonged

To these silly things
called gyms.

The idea was you'd pay
them lots of money

To run around
and lift heavy things.

Biggest rip-off in the world.

And yet people fell for it.

Including me.

Oh, forgot my wallet.

It started with one
of those moments

When you realize
you're not as in shape

As you want to be.

(panting):
Whoo...

That's further than it looks.

Aw, coupon's on my dresser.

That's too far.
Forget it.

Please don't judge me.

I wound up shame-eating
the whole pizza.

I woke up all greasy and sweaty.

My sheets looked like what they
wrap deli sandwiches in.

Maybe I should join a gym.

Do you go to a gym?

Well, I go to total rip fitness,
but I don't work out there.

What do you do?

I invest.

There goes one
of my investments now.

Cheryl, hard work's paying off.

Keep up the good work.

So your investments are women?

Yes.

Women who, how shall
I put this delicately?

They fat.

So, I come here,

Give them lots of attention now.

Then when they get hot, who's
the first guy they run to?

The one who invested in them
when they weren't.

Wow, I can't decide if
I'm thoroughly disgusted

Or really, really impressed.

Of course, not all
investments pay dividends.

See the girl over there at the
vending machine... tonya.

She is one kit kat away
from junk bond status.

Hey, barney.

Becky, elliptical machine's

Really working for you.
Nice stuff.

That one's going to reward
shareholders soon.

I foresee aggressive
growth in my future.

What up?

Wow, that makes me
want to join a gym.

So I can get super strong

And punch you really hard
in the face.

Yes, we should all do it.

Yeah, let's all punch
barney in the face.

No, I'm serious.

We should totally join a gym.

Come on, we put on

The beer weight together...

Might as well
take it off together.

Or we could just
stop drinking beer.

No. I say we join a gym.

Are you marshall?
Yeah.

Hi, I'm trish.

I'm the trainer
you signed up for.

Oh, hi.

Really great

To meet you, trish.

It's a pleasure.

Marshall, can I talk
to you for a second?

Sure.
Great.

Just a second.

Yeah, sweetie, I think

She maybe just a little
too hot to be your trainer.

I get it.

I mean, I see what
you're worried about.

But this is just about me
taking care of myself.

You'll always be my sugar.

So, marshall, are you ready

To make a commitment
to your body?

Pssh! Please, I'm all about
committing to my body.

I'll drive to vermont and
have a commitment ceremony

To my body if you want.

That was a weird thing to say.

All right.
Start with 100 push-ups.

All right, cool. How many
do you want me to do? 100.

Oh, I thought that was a figure
of speech... 100 push-ups,

Like do a bazillion push-ups.

No one can do 100.

Do you smell that?

No.

It smells like there's
a little bitch in my gym.

Are you being a little bitch
in my gym?

No.

Then get on the floor
and give me 100!

You don't have to yell at me.

I love it here.

It's just normal women
who want to get in shape.

I don't have to put on makeup,
do my hair,

Wear some trendy outfit.

Yeah, this place is great.

We're meeting our friend
robin here.

I hope you don't hate her.
She's pretty hot.

Shut up.

Lily, tell him to shut up.

I'm sorry, lesbian prison guard,
do we know each other?

Ted, lily, you'll never believe
what just happened.

Oh, hey, dude, I'm barney.

So I was at the smoothie bar...

What can I get you?

Oh, my god! Rhonda?

It's barney.

Barney stinson from
staten island boulevard.

Hey, barney stinson from
staten island boulevard.

What can I get you?

I can't believe
she didn't remember me.

Why? Who is she?

That's rhonda.

I lost my virginity to her.

Aw, baby, are you still sore?

Trish made me do
70 push-ups,

But she only gave me
credit for ten.

The she had me do
100 sit-ups

And then she made me cry,
using only her words.

It just doesn't add up.

How could rhonda
not remember me?

Well, maybe it wasn't
that good for her.

I mean, it was your first time.

Ted, it's me.

I rocked her world.

You don't believe me?
Okay, story time.

The year was 1998.

I'd been going out with shannon
since freshman year of college.

We were saving ourselves.

So, when we broke up,

There I was,
23 and still a virgin.

I knew nothing about girls.

So I went to the guy

Who knew everything about
girls... my brother james.

Wait, your gay brother james?

Yeah, this was before
he was gay.

(sportscast playing on tv)

(sobbing)

(blubbering)

Barney...

Barney, you need to find a girl

And have sex with her asap.

That is what dudes
do after a breakup.

I know. I want to, but...
I guess I'm just scared.

Of course you're scared.

It's gross.

The thought of doing
that with a woman...

But it's part of being a guy.

Try thinking about baseball.

Somehow I imagine
those players on the field

And it's over a lot faster.

But I don't know the first thing
about seducing a woman.

What do you...? How do you...?

Where do you...?

Stop. Don't overthink it.

You don't want to get the yips.

The yips?

Yeah, when you overthink
simple things so much

That you can't do them at all.

The yips.

Yeah, it happens to
athletes all the time.

Like the second baseman who
suddenly can't throw to first

Or the figure skater who does
a perfect triple toe loop

And then loses it
on the arabesque.

I've actually really
been getting into

Figure skating lately.

But, james...

What woman's gonna want
to have sex with me?

It's not like
I'm a backstreet boy.

The man maker.

Barney:
Rhonda "man maker" french

Was our mom's friend
from down the street.

Got any kings?

Go fish.

So, patty, know that
new paperboy?

I let him throw one into my
hedges, if you know what I mean.

Did you see that new guy
who cleans my pool?

I let him snake my drain,
if you know what I mean.

You know that chinese food
delivery boy?

I had sex with him.

I don't have a funny way
of saying it yet.

It just happened 20 minutes ago.

Of course.

The man maker.

And it'll be easier too,

'cause she knows me so well.

Hi, barry.

Barney.

Hi, ms. French.

I know we haven't seen
each other for a while,

But if there was any chance...

Oh, boy.

Wow, you just rocked my world.

That was the best sex
I ever had.

Barney:
That was the night I was born.

I rose like a phoenix
from her mentholated bosom

And strode into the world,

Armani-clad

And fully awesome.

(groans):
God, please let me stop!

Yes, great, let's stop.

Let's just kick back and wait
for the massive coronary

You're going to have
a couple years from now

When you're 40.

I'm... I'm 29.

50 more!

Lily:
Hi, sweetie.

I got a trainer, too.

This is max.

We're going to focus
on flexibility.

Yeah, I'm gonna stretch her out.

Great... Wait, what?

50 more, now!

(marshall grunting)

Huh?

(marshall groaning)

Hey...

Okay, well, that's not cool.

You know, rhonda,

Running into you

Really got me thinking
about the old days.

You were quite popular.

I sure got around back then.

And there was one young man
who stood out above the pack.

Freddy chibatoni.

That kid had a tongue
like a gecko.

No, no, I was thinking
about someone else.

Chaz alderman.

Hips like a woman,
but he knew how to use them.

What about me?!

You?

Yes. We slept together.

And you said I was the best
you ever had.

Did I?

Oh, right.

About that...

And tell him that

He's the best you ever had.

Oh, I don't know.

He's just a kid.

No he isn't. He's 23 and he
is really hurting, rhonda.

Please.

Maybe we could make a deal.

What?

I don't know...

Oh... (chuckles)

No, girl, I got a girlfriend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, hers
is the only vagina for me.

Oh... I love it.

It... It isn't
scary at all.

Well, too bad.

I guess your brother's
going to stay a virgin.

(stammering)

(sighs)

Fine.

Reggie jackson, reggie jackson,

Reggie jackson...

But those compliments
you gave me.

(monotone):
Wow...

You just rocked my world.

That was the best sex
I ever had.

But you said
I rocked your world.

All subsequent

Worlds that I rocked

Were only so rocked because
of the confidence I earned

From said first world rocking.

Sorry, barry.

It's barney.

So I'm doing sit-ups

And she says,
"all right, marshall,"

So I summon all my strength
and I do that set,

And then she says,

"give me another set."

So I'm like, "is this
the last set?"

And she says yes.

So I do that set
and then she says,

"give me another set."

She lied to my face!

Everything hurts.

Baby, the whole point
of working out

Is to feel better.

This trainer is
making you miserable.

You have to call her and quit.

I got to work through it.
I got to finish what I started.

If you're too scared,
I can call her.

Her number's on this card.

Hi. Is this trish?

This is marshall's wife.

Listen, we have a problem
here and it's you.

I don't know who the hell
you think you are,

But from now on, you don't
tell marshall what to do.

You are an employee.

We tell you what to do.

And I'm telling you
you're fired, bitch.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay, bye.

You better get down there, baby.

She's pretty pissed.

Hey, buddy.

Still bummed about
the whole rhonda thing?

No. Why would I let the approval
of one woman define who I am?

That's very mature
of you, barney.

Let him finish.

When I can let the approval

Of a gaggle of supermodels

Define who I am. What? What?

Three tickets to the after party

Of the victoria's secret
fashion show?

Uh, kablammie!

Lily, um, could I go?

Go. You're too sore
to do anything anyway.

Oh... Wow.

Okay, this, boys, is not
a regular season game.

This is the world series.

So remember, we work together.
We're a team.

And if anyone
sees heidi klum... dibs.

Ha-ah! Target acquired.
Dig deep. Mm-hmm!

Ted:
Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hey, it's a nice party, huh?

Yeah, it's great.

Do you guys work
for the company?

Yeah, it's called

"I'm gonna get in
your panties, incorporated."

Gross!

Dude!

I don't know.
That was terrible.

I am so sorry.

Wait a minute. It's okay.
It's okay. It's fine.

It's a numbers game.
I'm cool.

Model... Model.

Uh... Hi.

I know, right?

This party is legend.
Wait for it...

Uh, how long do we
have to wait for it?

I think he's having a stroke.

What is the matter with me?
I don't know.

Wait, wait, wait... you don't
think I have the yips, do ya?

No, no, no, relax.

There's alessandra ambrosio.

English is her second language.

Even if you screw up,
she'll never know.

Come on.

Hi.

Hi.

Those are very nice honkers.

Honkers?
I don't know this word.

Do you want to go dance?

I'm talking about those things.

Ah-ooga!

Ah-ooga!

Ew!

Oh, no, I can't have the yips.
I can't have the yips.

Not here. Not now.

This is me.
It's barney, barney!

Heidi klum!

This is perfect. I can do this.
I can do this.

But thanks for coming.

Thanks for coming.
Heidi klum, I'm barney.

Hi, barney.
Nice to meet you.

Goobidy, goobidy,
goobidy, goobidy.

Whoa.

Is he okay?

Uh, he has the yips.

Hasn't been able to hit
on a woman all night.

He has the yips?

Ooh, that's bad.

You know, in germany, we call
this (speaks german phrase).

Whoa, that is bad.

I don't know
what's happened to me.

I've, I've totally lost
my confidence.

Aw...

Barney, maybe you have
to open up to somebody.

Maybe you have to
open up to some...

He just found out that the woman
he lost his virginity to

Only did it because
his brother bribed her.

Ooh, that's a rough one.

I mean, the only thing
I can think of

To get rid of
(speaks german phrase)

Is you have to go out there.

And you need to find that woman.

And you need to earn it
with her for real.

That is the only way
how you can find yourself.

I see little hamburgers!

I love little hamburgers.

Auf wiedersehen.

Wow!
Yeah.

I just made out with heidi klum.

What?

Ted, just... Okay?

(knocking)

Come in.

Hi, rhonda.

Hi, kiddo.
Surprised to see you here.

So, hey, uh,
maybe how about sex?

Let's sex.

What are you talking about?
I'm watching wheel of fortune.

You can keep watching.
I'll face you toward the tv.

That's a cute idea, kid.

Great.

No, I'm not having sex with you.

Sit down a minute.

I'm not the man maker anymore.

You know what?

About five years ago,

I realized there was
an emptiness inside of me

That no amount of
meaningless sex could fill.

I needed something more.

And that's when I
discovered indian casinos.

Hey, barney,

It's weird not seeing you
in a suit. What's going on?

Uh, not much.
My entire sexual history

Was built on a rotting
foundation of lies.

My whole identity is lost
in a pit of menthol ashes.

Work is good.

(guy slaps his back,
marshall groans)

I'm never going
back to that gym again.

(groans)

Today at work,
I had to have an intern

Rip up my bagel and put
little pieces in my mouth.

Yeah, I'm done there, too.

That place is horrible.

What about
your big muscular trainer

Who's so into
stretching you out?

Yeah, well, turns out

That guy had no affiliation
with the gym whatsoever.

Come on, guys, don't
give up on the gym.

It's been great for us.

Like today, robin and I
had a really nice moment.

(loud groaning):
Oh, god! Oh... Yahhh!

(grunting)

Robin, hey, I just wanted

To come over and thank you.

Thank me for what?

Well, you know how it's hard
for exes to be friends

Because there's this lingering
sexual tension between them?

Gone. Thank you.

(laughs)

You know, for all the crap
you've given me,

I haven't seen you
work up a sweat there once.

It's not true.
I was there today.

Yeah, but didn't you
leave early?

(music playing in headphones)

(music stops)

Oh, great.

Now I got to go home
and charge this.

Wait a minute.

You didn't work out
Tuesday either.

Brought the wrong shorts.

Yeah, and you totally
disappeared on Monday, too.

No, I was at the
gym the whole time.

Ooh! Oh, I love this gym.

Lily, help me bend down
these three fingers.

Actually, I have an idea.

Do it! Come on! Do it, you
worthless piece of crap!

Please! Please, I just want
to go home.

Come on.
This is your last set!

(sobbing):
You said that last time!

Gone.

Hey.

Rhonda.

I saw your friend
ted at the gym.

After he puked and cleared the
line at the smoothie bar,

He said you were kinda
having a tough time.

Did you change your mind
about having love, making sex,

Penis vagina?

What is the matter with me?

Oh, honey...

I just, I don't get it.

You slept with so many guys.

You slept with my brother.

We are practically
the same person.

Was I really so bad?

Nobody's good the first time.

But I was.
At least I thought I was.

Oh, barney, you know...
Sex isn't everything.

When is the last time
you had a conversation

With a woman with no intention
of scoring with her?

I sat next to former
secretary of state

Madeleine albright
at a benefit once.

I certainly didn't intend
to hit that.

Yeah, well, I tell you what.

Sleeping with me again isn't
gonna solve anything.

I don't know what else is.

I think I know.

Do you have any kings?

No, go fish.

See, barney, isn't it nice
to just sit

And have a evening with a woman,
no agenda?

Just make nice conversation?

No.

Yeah, kinda sucks, doesn't it?

Oh, my god, barney, you really
did just rock my world.

That was amazing.

And I'm not lying.

I know you're not lying, baby.

And it was good for you?

It was the best sex
I've ever had.

(yawns) later.

Daddy's back.

Hey, buddy, how's it going?

Hey. Pretty good.

Pretty good. Ooh!

I can move my legs now and I
can lift my arms this high.

Oh!
Oh!

Yeah, you know, I feel
like I have more energy.

Yeah, it was hard at first,
but now if I go a day

Without working out, I miss it.

I'm proud of us, guys.

The first week is the hardest.

We're over the hump.

Joining that gym was the
best decision we ever made.

And we never went back
to the gym again.