How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 4 - Ted Mosby, Architect - full transcript

Kids, sometimes
your relationship

Goes so smoothly for so long

That you think it will be
that way forever.

It never is.

Well, we just had
our first fight.

We had our first fight.

Oh, no, what'd you fight about?

Oh, no, what'd you fight about?

A few months ago, my
architecture firm was approached

To design this new building...

It's this big skyscraper
in spokane.

It'd be a huge project
for his firm.

And if we don't get it,
we could go under.

So anyway, the head architect
unveils his new design

To the whole company.

No.
No.

Yes.

All skyscrapers
kind of look like a...

Marshall, it's a 78-story
pink marble tower

With a rounded top

And two spherical entryways
at the front.

Wow, so it's the whole package.

(laughs):
Yeah, you did.

Had to.

Oh, dude, if they're
selling condos,

You got to get me in.

And don't give me the shaft.

Yeah, you did.

Had to.

It's a travesty.

It's gonna define
the skyline of the city.

If it was me, I could've
designed something amazing.

Instead, I'm spending
12 hours a day

Designing the cornices.

Yeah, you did.

That wasn't one.

So you and ted
had your first fight.

It obviously ended well.

I mean, you're here with me.

Actually, it didn't end at all.

I started getting bummed
out, so I came here.

It's what I do.

When my grandma died,
I got a perm.

Ooh, two tragedies in one day.

The thing is,
ted has been literally

Complaining about work
nonstop for weeks.

So, when I came over today,

I was kind of done.

Hey.
Hey.

How was your day?
Good.

Wow, you're a great interviewer.

Aren't you gonna ask
how my day was?

No, I know how it was.
It was awful.

Ooh, you want to rent
a movie tonight?

You know, um...

I listen to your work
stories all the time.

Yeah, but...

And I don't want
to be rude here,

But my work stories
are interesting.

I'm a television news reporter.

Robin...
What?

I knew exactly what
he was going to say.

I was just helping him
get there faster.

You should work at
a suicide hotline.

And then it got ugly.

What I don't do is tell you the
same story over and over again.

I mean, you wouldn't
watch the same movie

Over and over again, would you?

Maybe

A great movie like die hard.

But field of dreams?

Once is more than enough.

So that's your go-to bad movie?

The number one

Example on the tip
of your tongue

Of a bad movie
is field of dreams?

It's about ghost
baseball players.

I think it's stupid.

(stammers)

So, now he's all mad at me
about the stupid movie.

Robin, he's upset because you
wouldn't listen to him,

Not because you didn't like
some movie.

How do you not like
field of dreams?!

Listening is the foundation
of a relationship.

And if he's really droning on,

You can always practice saying
the alphabet backwards.

You know, in case you get pulled
over for a dui.

I guess I don't know
how to do that.

Yeah, it's really hard,
even when you're sober.

That's what I tried to explain
to the cop.

No, I mean, I guess I don't know
how to do this girlfriend thing.

I've never been in
a relationship

This serious before.

I should probably go tell him
I'm sorry, shouldn't I?

You're trying to do it
right now, aren't you?

What the hell comes before "q"?

Then at the end of the movie

When he has a catch with his
dad, like...

Like he never did when he was
young enough for it to matter.

Can we talk about
something else?

You know what, dude?

Forget about robin, okay?

You're hanging with us tonight.

I've got an awesome
party lined up.

Oh, god.

This gonna be another one of
your weird all-guy parties?

That was a poker game.
What is wrong with you?

No, it's the first law
school party of the year

And it's gonna be awesome.

I haven't seen this guys
since, like, last year

Before lily and I broke up.

So I'm gonna have to
break the news to everybody.

It's really gonna bum them out.

This party's gonna suck.

Well, love to join
you at that one.

But I got tickets
to foxy boxing.

But I got to get back
to my apparently boring job.

Your job's not boring.

Robin thinks so.

Dude, lots of chicks think
architects are hot.

Think about it, you create
something out of nothing.

You're like god.

There's nobody hotter than god.

I love it when
you quote scripture.

I'm telling you, you should use
the architect angle

With the ladies.

Okay, first of all,
I have a girlfriend.

Second, the architect angle
doesn't even work on her.

And, third, I can't imagine that
working on anyone ever.

That's 'cause you're always
like...

(flatly):
Ted mosby, architect.

If it were me,

I'd be like...

(suavely):
Ted mosby, architect.

Anything sounds impressive

When it's said with
the right attitude.

(clears throat)

Marshall ericksen.

Recently dumped and
heading to a lame party.

Whoa.

Whoa, ladies,
please take it easy.

There's enough of me
for everyone.

Oh. Hi. Hello.

All right.
We're gonna take off.

Wait up, I'll leave
with you guys.

Ted mosby, architect.

(clucks tongue):
Trust me.

Hey, just out of curiosity.

If a guy told you
he was an architect,

What would you think of that?

Are you kidding?

Architects are hot.

How do you think mr. Brady
scored a babe like carol?

Solid point.

She did have hair of gold.

Yes, she did.
Mm-hmm.

Hey, carl, is ted still here?

No.

Hey, lily.

You still single?

Yes.

You know...

I've poured a lot of free drinks
for you over the years.

A lot.

Carl, do you really want
to be with a woman

Who would trade sex for beer?

Only if you're into it.

It's on me.

Thanks.

I wonder where ted went.

Ted mosby, the architect?

Actually, yeah.

Oh, he is such a cool guy.

He was here earlier.

And what made you decide

You wanted to become
an architect?

Well, you know,
soul of an artist,

Hands of a master craftsman.

It was inevitable, I guess.

I bet you can draw, can't you?

(chuckles modestly)

You should draw me.

Well, I could try,
but you might end up

Looking like
a midcentury tri-level.

(laughing)

Hey. If you want,
my friend marshall

Invited me to this party
we could all go to.

Marshall's great.

He's just a lawyer,

But somebody has to
push the paper around

For us creative types.
Am I right?

Yeah.
(laughing)

He asked her to a party.

Oh, my god, are you okay?

Okay? It's awesome.

It's a win-win.
Ted got to vent

And I don't have to hear it.

Maybe after he's done
with the talkie-talk,

He'll come over and
I'll get the fun part.

What is wrong with you?

God, I feel like I'm teaching
love as a second language here.

Okay,

You know how when he tells you

Boring work stories
you're supposed to listen?

Well, when he picks up
some random girl at a bar,

You're supposed to freak out.

I'm not freaking out because
in my mind, she's fat.

She's a kickboxing instructor.

Her ass looks better
than my face.

All right, we'll
swing by the party.

Now the party was for some
of marshall's classmates

From columbia law school,

Who by day were
some of the sharpest

And most serious young
legal minds in the country.

By night, however...

(loud music playing) ooh...

Damn,

These are some
drunk almost-lawyers.

Okay!

Seriously...

Who wants to shave my ass?!

That guy went on to become
a supreme court justice.

Okay, where are the guys
and the hooker?

Yo, what's up, ladies?

Welcome to the party. Yeah!

Just need you to sign this
release protecting the host

From any and all responsibility
should you harm yourself

Or a third party.

Then freakin' rage!

Yeah!
Hey,

Drunk legal dude, um...

Have you seen marshall ericksen?

He was with a guy named ted.

You mean ted mosby,
the architect?

Man, what a visionary.

Yeah, they were here.

Awards are nice,
they look good on my shelf.

But none of that acclaim
means anything

Compared to the joy
seeing the sun rise

Over your first building.

Wow.

I would love to watch
the sun rise with you.

I know you would.

It's the job.

Dude.

You should let us
shave your ass tonight.

No way.

Hey, marshall, where's lily?

I didn't want to ruin the party
for everybody this early,

But, uh... Everyone take a seat.

Um... Lily actually called off
the wedding this summer

To go to san francisco.

So...

We're broken up.

Her name wasn't on
your lease, was it?

'Cause if not,
new york state law,

You're not obligated to give her

Half the deposit when you move.

Yeah, that's not really the part
I was worried about, guys.

And don't forget
the precedent set by

Any personal effects
she left in your house

Or dwelling become
yours after 30 days.

(murmuring)

Guys, can we cease and desist

With the lawyer speak
for a minute?

Love died.

The love that made you all
believe in love,

That's dead now.

You should sue her.

Uh, really?
On what ground, kara?

On the grounds
of... Shut up.

That's our attorney general.

(giggling)

See? Marshall's still
hung up on our breakup.

Why? Because I listened to him.

It was a strong,

Nurturing relationship
that I threw away like old gum.

Not that I'm worried
or anything,

But, um, back to the sun rising
over ted and, uh...

Oh, what tasteful way
did you describe her?

The girl with the smackable ass.

Yes, that's the young lady.

So, I know the bouncer

At this techno club, posers.

Do you feel like dancing?

Yeah, okay.

There is no way
ted went dancing.

Ted hates clubs.

Hell, yeah.
I love clubs.

I mean, I was going to
design a cathedral tonight,

Kind of take a whack at
the whole relationship

Between god and man conundrum.

But sure, let's go dancing.

(squeals) wait, let me
just check with my friend.

Okay.
Hey, marshall.

You up for some super loud,

Repetitive music that hasn't
changed since the mid-90s?

Um... Only always.

Let's go.

Dancing? He went dancing
with this girl?

Okay, maybe this is
a little bad.

Dancing is bad.

Dancing leads to sex.

Did you grow up
in that footloose town?

I'm calling him.

I'm telling him that I
was wrong and I'm sorry,

And I totally want to listen

To his stupid stories.

Yeah, think of another way
to phrase that

And you'll be fine.

He's not answering.

Calling marshall.

(synthesized dance music) hello.

Marshall, hi, it's robin.
Can I talk to ted?

Oh, robin, hi.

Um, no, ted's not here tonight.

He's, uh... He's working.

Uh, okay. Bye.

Marshall just lied.

Ted's cheating on me.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for a couple guys
who came in here earlier.

One's about six-four,
210, sandy brown hair.

And the other's
a cheating bastard.

You're going to need
to refresh my memory.

Okay, fella, baby knows
how this game's played.

How's a $20 help your memory?

Thanks, but seriously,
it was crazy tonight.

You really do need
to refresh my memory.

Then can I have the...?

That's cool. You keep that.

So these guys...
One of them's an architect.

Ted mosby, the architect?

That's the one.

Oh, yeah, he was here.

And then I was all,
"no, frank gehry.

You're on your
own this time."

And that, my dear, was the
end of that hack's career.

I live across the street.

That is one hell
of a non sequitur.

You want to come over?

Well, I don't know.

But I suppose I should at
least give you a ride home.

Hop on.

I'll see you
at book club, vinny.

I'll be bringing the crudités.

Nice. Giddyap.

Dude, dude, what are you doing?

Galloping.

You proved it, all right?

The whole ted mosby,
architect things works.

Architects rule!
Whoo-hoo!

Aren't you a little worried
that a certain somebody

Might find out that
you're doing this?

This isn't you, ted.

It is tonight.

(neighing)

Whoo!

You know this girl.
Where does she live?

I'm not telling you that
for less than 20 bucks.

Well, I'm out of money.
I'm cashed, too.

I'll take your purse.
My purse?

Yeah, my girl likes clutches.

Okay, fine.

You should tell her

That looks really good
with a chocolate boot.

Bitch is lucky I brought
my small purse.

No room for my gun.

Here.

Now where does
the rodeo slut live?

The building with the green
light, apartment 3-c.

Oh, my god, robin,

Are you going to kick
this girl's ass?

Yeah... And steal her purse.

I can't believe
he's cheating on me.

You know how many times
I could have cheated?

And you know two of them,
and they would surprise you.

(whispers):
3-c, let's do this.

You ready?

Should I just kick the door in?

Those are really nice heels
and you already lost a purse.

Let's see if it's unlocked.

(whispers):
It's unlocked.

Okay, get in there

And kick some spankable ass.

Robin.

I'm the problem.

What?

You were right.

I don't know how to be
a girlfriend.

I took the nicest guy
in the world

And I made him a cheater.

Well, don't stand out here
and beat yourself up.

Get in there and beat ted up.

I'll handle the slutty
kickboxer.

Actually, I'll take ted.

Let's do this.

Bring it.

What do you think you're...?

Barney?

Thank god you're here.

Can you help with this?
I need nails.

Okay, I'm totally lost here.

Where's ted?

Ted? He's at work.

How did you get here?

Awesome story.

As per usual.

How do you think mr. Brady
scored a babe like carol?

Solid point.

And she did have hair of gold.

Yes, she did.

Sorry, I forgot my binocs
for foxy boxing.

Whoo, looks like things just got
a little foxier right here.

Yes, they did.
And you're just in time.

Girls, I got to go,

But I'm leaving
you in very good,

If slightly sullied hands.

Don't go. We don't
even know your name

To look out for your buildings.

Yeah, stay.

Excuse us for one second.

Okay, you were right...

The architect thing totally works.
Mm-hmm.

But I have a girlfriend,

And I've got to get
back to work.

This project is getting
harder and harder.

Yeah, you did.

Yeah, had to.

See ya.

Sorry, my, uh...

Intern had to leave.

Oh, well, that's too bad.

I'm anna, by the way.

Ted mosby...
(clucks tongue) architect.

But none of that acclaim
means anything

Compared to the joy
of seeing the sun rise

Over your first building.

Giddyap.
(barney neighing)

Dude, dude, what are you doing?

Galloping.

All right, you proved it.

The whole ted mosby,
architect thing works.

Architects rule!
Whoo-hoo.

Aren't you afraid
a certain somebody

Might find out about this?

I mean, this isn't you, ted.

It is tonight.

And that led to a couple
of hours

That I cannot, as a gentleman,
divulge to you.

We did it right here,
and here and here.

But why would you use
ted's name?

I've had some recent
bad press on the world wide web.

So I'm taking a t.O.

On the whole
"using my real name" thing.

Oh, this is great.

It wasn't ted.

Everything's okay.

Everything isn't okay.

Look at me.

I'm acting crazy and jealous
and paranoid.

This is how people act
in relationships.

And that's why I avoid
relationships.

Well, guess what,

I haven't been crazy or jealous
or paranoid in months,

And I really miss it.

And thus ended this chapter of,
"let's pour our hearts out

In the bedroom of barney's
one-night stand."

Come on, let's go before
she gets out of the shower.

You're such a pig.

You're not even going
to say good-bye?

I'll have you know I composed
a lovely form letter

For use in just
such an occasion.

Just fill out her name
and then...

Something with a "a."

A... A...

I'll just put "resident."

(door creaking)

Go, go, go, go.

Robin took a long walk
that night.

She thought about how opening
yourself up to another person

Usually means opening yourself
up to going a little crazy.

She thought about how much
easier it was just to be alone.

And then she came to see me.

♪ And I am nothing
of a builder ♪

♪ But here I dreamt
I was an architect... ♪

Hey.
Hey.

What are you doing here?

I brought donuts.

And I don't want to brag,
but they're filled with jelly.

Thanks.

So, uh... How was your night?

It was... Fine.

Nothing exciting.

How was yours?

You really want to hear

About boring architect stuff?

Yes, I do.

I'm sorry about earlier.

To tell you the truth,

I never even saw all
of field of dreams.

I fell asleep half way through.

What? The best part's
the last 20 minutes.

Well, maybe they should have
moved that part up

A little bit earlier, 'cause...

You know what, um...

What I'm trying to say is...

I love being the person
you bitch to.

So how was your day,
mr. Architect?

Oh, I like the way you say that.

Hey, you want to see
the building

That will make every man in spokane
feel inadequate? Obviously.

Wow.
Yeah.

You know, you didn't mention

All the foliage around the base.

If you trim that back,
the rest would look bigger.

You don't have to tell me.

And, um...

Just for fun, I've...

I've sort of been
working on my own idea

Of what I think
the building should be.

What do you think?

You know that time we went
to spokane

And I pointed out
that skyscraper?

That was the first building
I ever designed.

And that night
was the first time

Wow.

Ted, this is amazing.

Thanks.

It's not like it will
ever come to anything.

I don't know.

It might come to something.

You know, girls find
architects very hot.

Okay, but I don't want you
expecting 78 stories or anything.

(giggles)

Barney:
"dear resident...

"the time we spent together,
however long it was,"

"meant the world to me."

"I would love to see you again,
but unfortunately, I cannot."

"you see, I am a ghost."

"I can only materialize
once every decade"

"on the anniversary of my death."

"I chose to spend my one day
among the living with you,"

"sweet... Resident."

"perhaps we will meet again
in another decade,"

"Until then, all my love
from the beyond. Barney."

Barney?

Who the hell is barney?