How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 3 - Brunch - full transcript

In 2030, Ted has a prominent photo in his house of him, his four friends and his parents at his parent's thirtieth wedding anniversary brunch. Ted invited his old fashioned and non-communicative parents, Alfred and Virginia Mosby, to New York for a visit for the occasion. They all look very happy in the photo. But Ted tells his children the not so happy back stories behind the happy faces in the photo. Marshall and Lily were still trying to figure out their relationship following their break-up. Their measures to one up the other in a sexual manner ended up with a few unusual results. The evening before the photo was taken, Barney and Alfred went out for drinks. Barney's stories to Ted later about what happened that evening made Ted's relationship with his father on tender hooks. And before Robin met Ted's parents, Ted told her that Virginia would imply incessantly that she wanted whoever Ted's wife to be to start a family soon. But as Virginia seemed to imply the opposite to Robin, Robin began to wonder - really to fume - what it was about her that Virginia hated so much as to not want Robin to bear Ted's children.

Ted: Kids, you know
that photo in the den?

It was taken back in 2006,
when grandma and grandpa

Came to visit me and we all
went out to brunch.

We all look pretty happy, right?

(camera shutter clicking) wrong.

I wish your face would melt off.

I wish your eyeballs
would explode.

I hate you.
I hate you more.

I'm going to kill him.

I can't say I blame you.

No, I mean I'm seriously
going to kill him.

I don't care how
unpleasant it is.

You have to talk to him.
Not now.

Okay, if you don't, I will.

Robin...

Okay, for any of this
to make sense,

You got to understand, there
are three parts to this story.

Let's start with the marshall
and lily part.

As a 30th anniversary gift,
I had flown

My parents
to new york for the weekend.

Oh, I forgot to tell you,
your cousin jimmy

Had a wonderful time
at that spa he visited.

You mean the spa the judge
ordered him

To go to to quit cocaine?

Coffee?

Now, grandma and grandpa
didn't like to talk

About things that were
uncomfortable, emotional,

Or in any way... Real.

Hi, mr. And mrs. Mosby.

Oh, lily!
Hi, marshall.

Good to see you.

I was just stopping by

To pick up some of my things.

Yes, we were so sorry
to hear about your...

You know, the, the...

Well...

Lily calling off the
wedding and dumping me?

Me begging marshall to take
me back and him rejecting me?

I love your hair.

Ted: This was only the second
time marshall and lily

Had seen each other
since breaking up,

But to their credit,
it wasn't that awkward.

Actually, we're cool.

We just divided up cds.

It was all very civil.

I'm proud of us;
we're, we're good.

Mrs. Mosby:
Well, we were all

Going to go
to casa a pezzi at 8:00.

Lily, would you like to join us?

Um...

What?

Well, I-I don't want to go

If it would make you
uncomfortable.

Why would it?

Well, I mean, yeah,
we're... We're good,

But you got to admit
there's that stuff between us.

Um, not for me.

Now it's just like
we're friends.

It's like we're
brother and sister.

"Brother and sister"?!

Okay.

Fine, yeah, I'll see you
at the restaurant, bro.

See? Not awkward at all.

Lily: Hello, everyone. Hi. Hi.

Hello, marshall.

Mrs. Mosby:
Lily, that is

A stunning dress.

Oh, thanks.

It's kind of revealing,

But I thought, "hey,
we're all family."

(chuckling):
Right, bro?

Ooh. Ow.

What's wrong?

Oh, I, I hurt my
ankle in yoga today.

The instructor told me
to just take deep breaths

To get through the pain, just...

(whimpers)

Are you all right?

You're kind of sweating.

No, I'm fine.

It's just...
This roll is really spicy.

She just wore that dress
to torture me.

Well, you know what?
Two can play at that game.

See, at brunch, I'm going
to torture lily right back.

Yeah.

There's a part of my body that
she's got a weakness for, too.

Dude, you can't whip that out
at brunch.

No, not that.

I'm going to unleash my calves.

That's crazy.

Nobody's turned on
by men's calves.

They're a thoroughly
unerotic body part.

Well, yeah, I'd say that, too,

If I had those skinny little
chicken legs.

I'll be waiting by the phone
for your apology.

So marshall showed up at brunch
with a plan.

Hello.
Oh, hi.

Hey, marshall.
Hey.

Hey. How are you feeling?

You looked kind of feverish
last night.

Oh, no, I actually feel great.

It is kind of warm in
here, though, isn't it?

Oh, I don't know,
if anything, it's kind of...

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

I'm just making myself feel a
little bit more... Comfortable.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

I've been doing all these
toe lifts lately, and so...

My calves have really
been cramping up.

(sultry music playing)

(both moaning)

Take off your dress.

Take off the rest of your pants.

Oh.
Oh.

I really wasn't expecting
that to happen.

Yeah, me neither.

It kind of complicates things, doesn't it?
Yeah, it does.

Why did you have to throw
your magnificent calves at me?

You know you have
a punter's leg.

Well, why did you have to throw
your beautiful boobs at me?

You know you have... Boobs.

Just admit it, you came here
trying to seduce me.

Seduce you?
You seduced me.

You sat down next to me
and took most of your pants off.

You went to san francisco
for three months.

How is that seducing you?

Well, it's not but I'm
still mad about it.

All right, that's it...
I want the beatles anthology.

Oh, well, that's too
bad; I'm keeping it.

And you know the u2
box set I gave you?

Look inside...
All dave matthews.

You are evil.

Smile.

I'm going to kill him.

I can't say I blame you.

No, I mean I'm seriously
going to kill him.

Now let's talk about
the barney part of the story.

This was going to be robin's
first time meeting my parents,

So we were both a little nervous.
(knocking)

(scoffs)
barney, what are you doing here?

Uh... I'm here to
meet your parents.

They must be dying
to meet me after all

The legendary barney
stories you've told them.

I haven't told them any
legendary barney stories. What?

Barney, here is a list
of all the things

I talk with my dad about:
Baseball.

But I'm your best friend.

Well, actually marshall's my...

I'm the most important
person in your life.

Well, robin's actually...
Barney: How could your parents

Not know about me?

To us, sure, in very small,
infrequent doses.

I mean, come on,
you're not exactly

The kind of friend
parents want their kid to have.

Oh, really?

Then I guess those
shoes aren't the thing

You're most wrong about today.

(knock at door)

Um...

Hey, mom.

Hey, dad. Mr. Mosby: Ted.

I know you've all
been excited to meet...

Barney stinson.

An honor to meet the two of you.

That needlepoint "bless this
mess" pillow you made for ted...

What a stitch.

Stitch!
Did that just happen?

Uh, mom, dad,

This is my girlfriend, robin.

Hello. Robin: Hello.

Mrs. Mosby:
Oh, it's wonderful

To meet you, robin.

Oh, you are so pretty.

Isn't she pretty, al?

A real looker.

That's funny, I didn't even
"look" in the mirror today.

That's not anything, is it?

So, I made a reservation
at san marino tonight for 8:00.

(laughing):
San marino.

Oh, you're serious? Yikes.

No. We have to try
casa a pezzi.

Best salmon risotto
I have ever had.

I love salmon risotto.

I know.

How are we supposed to get
a table at casa a pezzi?

They're booked for weeks.

Well, lucky for you,

I happen to know
the head waitress,

Which is ironic because...

(muttering urgently)

Ironic because we both work

At a homeless shelter
where I serve the food.

Where do you volunteer, robin?

What's the matter with you?

I'm his girlfriend, and I'm
not even trying that hard.

Way to wreck the
curve, kiss-ass.

Robin, I'm his best friend.

Girlfriend, that's
like a bad flu.

Out of your system
after a couple weeks in bed.

(chuckling):
High five.

Can I help?

Yes, you can, virginia.

There's a story
behind that brooch,

And I'm going to hear it.

Well, funny you should ask.

(playing emotive
classical piece)

Mr. Mosby:
Whoa! Bravo, barney.

That is my all-time
favorite sonata.

Barney, you are just delightful.

No, virginia, you're delightful,
I am deligh-ted.

And he's just ted.

I'm really not
planning these things;

They just keep happening.

I think I dropped
an ice cube down here.

Ow, it's so cold.

All right, that's it,
I'm out of here.

In a minute.

Anyone up for a drink
at maclaren's?

No, I'm kind of tired.
Me, too.

Yeah, I'm sure my folks
are gonna want...

I feel like I could knock
back a few cervezas.

Cervezas?

Did he fall?

But I want to get up early
for mass tomorrow.

St. Peter's, 8:45 a.M.,
it's my favorite service.

Wait a minute... you're able to
cross the threshold of a church?

I'll save you a seat.

Oh, you are just terrific.

Isn't he, susan?

Robin.

Susan, her name is virginia.

Dude, I am sincerely ticked
at your dad right now.

Last night, we go to maclaren's
for a drink, right?

So barney darts back
into the burning house,

Lifts up the refrigerator
I'm pinned under

And pulls me to safety.

Whoa. You're like a hero.

Oh, I'm no hero, wendy.

You know who is a hero?

My dalmatian, smokey.

He... Didn't... Make it out.

(sobbing):
I'm sorry.

You poor, brave man.

Why don't you give
the guy a hug?

I'm... Oh.

My dad was your wingman?

This is really
messing with my head.

Barney, is my dad cool?

I'm not done.

So, your dad stays
to finish his drink,

But I take off,

Because I have to be up early
for mass with your mom.

Sure.

Anyway, I realize that I left
my phone on the bar,

So I come back...

(mouthing)

Mmm...

(shutter clicks)

Oh, my god.

Is that really...

Oh, my god!

Can you believe your dad
rack-jacked me like that?

My dad made out with
wendy the waitress?

He cheated on my mom?

No, that's impossible.

Ted, it's a well-known statistic
that 83% of people

Married longer than six months
are seeing someone on the side.

Do you know that
when you make up

A statistic,
you always use "83%"?

You think I'm lying.

Well, have you done
any surveys on the subject?

Because the good people at

Have, and they beg to differ.

That's not a real web site.

Oh, and I suppose
I didn't get a real t-shirt

For running in their 10k.

(knock at door)

Hi, dad.
Hey, ted.

Ted: Enjoying your
vacation so far?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, listen, can I speak
to you outside for a sec?

Sure.

So you went out
with barney last night?

Yeah.

You have a good time?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry
you couldn't join us.

Yeah.

So...

What?

Well...

Well, what?

You think cerrano's got
a shot at the rbi title?

I wanted to confront him,
but I couldn't.

I guess I got
the let's-not-talk-about-

Well, you didn't get your
dad's close-the-deal gene,

That's for sure.

Smile.

Great.

I don't care how
unpleasant it is.

You have to talk to him.

Not now.

Okay, if you don't, I will.

Robin...!

Ted:
Okay, now I got to back up

To tell you the me
and robin part of the story.

We were expecting my parents
at any minute.

One last thing about my mom.

She grills every single one of

My girlfriends about when we're
gonna get married and have kids.

But this is the first time
she's meeting me.

Doesn't matter.

And you'll know it's coming

When she mentions my cousin
stacy... six kids in five years.

The woman's basically
a ride at a water park.

But I don't want
to get married and have kids.

What am I supposed to say?

You know what?

You're an adult with
perfectly valid opinions.

You shouldn't have to
apologize for them.

I'm gonna lie.
I would.

Thanks again for letting me have

The u2 box set.

I know how important
it is to you.

I talked to aunt
caroline the other day.

Stacy's pregnant again.

Oh, good for her.

So, dear...
Oh, boy.

Tell us what it's like
being a journalist.

I'm just not ready.

Okay. No pressure.

Oh.

Uh, I thought you, um...

It's great.

Good. Focus on your job now,

Because your career clock
is ticking.

There's time
for marriage and kids

And all that other stuff later.

Ooh, a piano!

Ted:
You lucked out with

My mom last night, huh?

What a relief, right?

Oh, absolutely.
Whew, what a relief it is

To know I'm the one girlfriend

Your mom doesn't want you
to have kids with.

Hooray?

I mean, did she really think
that your college girlfriend

Cheryl would pop out
attractive children?

'Cause I've seen pictures,
and, I'm sorry,

That girl had a brow ridge
like a caveman.

Come on, she was just
frowning under direct light.

And besides, that's not even
what I liked about her.

It was her...
It's not important.

What happened to
marshall and lily?

They've been fighting lately.

They're probably off
somewhere going at it.

More coffee?

Oh, no, thank you.

Isn't she sweet?

Well, if she's so sweet, maybe
she should have ted's babies.

Excuse me?

Nothing.

Lily:
Just a minute.

Marshall:
Maybe less.

Robin, dear.

Did I say something
to upset you?

Why don't you want me
to have your grandkids?

Do you want to have
my grandkids?

No!

I mean, I don't know.

I just...

I want you to want me

To want to have your grandkids.

And you should.

I'm a genetic gold mine.

No family history of diabetes

Everyone has nonporous teeth
and perfect eyesight.

I had one schizophrenic uncle,
but even he had perfect vision,

Which was unfortunate
for the people around

The bell tower he was in,
but still he was

A very fine man, and...

Excuse me. Sorry.

Didn't know that
there was a line.

Marshall, your zipper.

Oh. Right.

Robin, it's not that I
don't want grandkids.

It's just I don't think
anyone should make the mistake

Of getting married too young.

Why do you say that?

I mean, you got married
pretty young.

That wasn't a mistake.

Was it?

(whispers):
Well...

Okay, there's something
you don't know.

Waitress:
Smile.

I wish your face would melt off.

I wish your eyeballs
would explode.

I'm gonna kill him.

I don't care how
unpleasant it is,

You have to talk to him.

Not now. Okay, if
you don't, I will.

Robin...!

Oh, gosh, let me help you
pick those up, sweetheart.

Sweetheart?

Sweetheart?!

The only sweetheart in your life

Should be the woman you
married 30 years ago,

Not the waitress
at the bar last night

And not this clumsy floozy!

I'm sorry, you're not a floozy.

I'm upset; I don't know
what I'm saying.

But stay away from my dad.

Ted, what are you talking about?

Dad?

You, uh, want to tell mom

What happened at the bar
last night?

Okay.

I hooked up with a waitress.

Oh.

"Oh"?

I mean, oh!

Oh! Ooh!

We're going to have
a serious talk

About this when we get home, al.

Oh, ooh!

Serious talk?

Mom, what...?

He was kissing another woman.

Don't you care?

Mrs. Mosby?

Ted, we weren't quite sure
how to tell you this...

Your mother and I are divorced.

You...

What do you mean
you're divorced?

Since when?

Oh, gosh, it's been
about nine months now.

Closer to ten, I think.

Time flies.
(chuckles)

So ten months ago,
you just up and decided

To get divorced
without telling me?

No, it wasn't a snap decision.

We'd been separated
almost two years.

How could you not tell me this?!

We meant to, it just never
seemed like the right time.

So last christmas...?

We talked about
telling you kids then,

But it didn't seem
very christmasy.

I got you a tandem bike.

Oh, it didn't go to waste.

Your mother and frank
ride it all the time.

Who the hell is frank?!

(chuckling):
Oh, great guy.

I actually set them up.

You remember dr. Muchnik.

He did your braces.

Okay, my head's
about to explode,

And I don't want to get it
all over everyone's waffles,

So I am leaving.

Teddy bear, oh...

You know, he mentioned
he was divorced last night.

I totally spaced on that.

Ooh, no line
at the omelet station.

Lily...

I'm sorry that I said
all those things.

Me, too.

I just find it really confusing
to be around you right now.

It's the same for me.

I think we're probably
both better off

Trying to keep some
distance for a while.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Are you wearing
a push-up bra?

Did you mystic tan your calves?

I withdraw the question.

We're sorry we didn't say
anything about the divorce.

It was wrong not to tell you.

Thank you.

But listen,
don't tell your sister.

It would just upset her.

No, this is ridiculous!

We have to start talking about
stuff, and not just baseball.

Indians won today
on a walk-off double.

Against the red sox?
Boy, that's a big win.

No. No. No.

We're not gonna blow past this.

I mean, I don't even

Know who you people.

I don't even know how you met.

I never told you
how I met your mother?

No.

Oh, great story.

At a bar.

That's it?

That's what passes for
communication in our family?

Man, when I have kids,

And I tell them how
I met their mother,

I'm gonna tell them everything,
the whole damn story.

I think it was an irish bar.

(scoffs)

I just, I don't...
I don't understand.

You seemed so happy.

When I was growing up,

You seemed so...

What happened?

We just realized we're
very different people.

Your father's kind of a
head-in-the-clouds romantic,

And I'm much more
down-to-earth.

So?

Robin and I are like that.

That doesn't mean anything.

I wanted kids.

And your mother...

Also wanted kids.

Robin and I have
different views on families.

We're not about to break up
because of it.

On some level, I always knew.

I didn't even want to go out
with him in the beginning,

But he spent months badgering
me until I finally gave in.

Huh.

Well, when you don't connect
on that many fundamental levels,

It's only a matter of time
before you realize

You're not meant to be together.

But we love robin.

Meeting you was
the highlight of my trip.

Well, second highlight.

Mrs. Mosby:
We'll see you inside.

Sorry.

Wow.

I know.

They love me!

(chuckles)

We are definitely going to
try and communicate more.

From now on, full disclosure.

Good. Good, I think it'll be
really good for the family.

By the way, how's grandma?

She hasn't returned
my last couple calls.

I'm gonna get some juice.

No.

No.

You missed a great game
last night.

(chuckles) real squeaker.