How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 18 - Moving Day - full transcript
Ted and Robin decide to move in together, but nobody appears to be happy with the new living arrangements--especially Barney.
Ted:
Kids, in the spring of 2007,
Everything was great
between me and robin.
So we decided to try
and make it even better.
We decided to move in together.
So, I can have the moving
truck here by 8:00 am.
Does that sound good
to everybody?
(lilly, barney groaning)
By the way, what are you guys
doing with ted's room?
'Cause if you need help
with the rent, I'll take it.
Why would you want
to live with us?
I don't call what you
guys do "living."
Barney:
Here's the deal,
I need a room closer to the bar.
It takes me
Exactly 23 minutes to get a girl
From the bar
back to my apartment.
A lot can go wrong
in 23 minutes.
This is going to be so hot.
Mm.
(snoring)
(buzzer sounding)
She's paying.
I swear,
If he doesn't call me back,
I'm going to go through
with this.
Please hurry, sir.
I want to do dirty stuff
with you.
Stuff I won't let him do.
Every red light run
is an extra $20.
(phone rings)
Baby?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
It was all my fault.
(buzzer sounds)
I am so drunk.
(chuckling)
When I'm this drunk, I go crazy!
I bet you do.
Check this out.
Woo-hoo!
What up nypd?
(siren blares)
(buzzer sounds) so close.
See? If I had
a room here
All I have to do
is get them upstairs.
Come on, guys.
It'll be great!
We'll come in
after you guys are asleep
And I'll be gone
before you wake up.
So, you get to have sex
And we get to wake
some skanky girl up
In the morning and kick her out?
God, lily.
Some guy just told her
that he loved her
Then pretended to go to the
bathroom and never came back
You can't make her a cup
of coffee? Real nice.
I put all your heavy jackets
in this box marked "winter."
And all your colorful
sweaters in this box
Marked "bill cosby."
Make fun, but america loved
that guy for a reason.
(grunts)
Wow!
Almost done.
Not so fast.
Take your sword.
Wow.
End of an era.
Yeah.
It's a bummer
to break up the set,
But you're going
to need that sword.
It's true... my building
is infested with dragons.
Aw, ma.
Looks like our little boy
is finally moving out.
It seems like just yesterday
He was a cute little freshmen.
Discovering
Reggae and ultimate frisbee.
He did it later
than the other kids
But we never pushed him.
No.
We knew he'd get there.
You haven't moved in yet,
have you?
Good.
You guys have to take this quiz.
I found it in a magazine.
It's called the "are you ready
to move in together?" quiz.
Well, if it's anything
like you're
"are you wearing panties" quiz,
I'm out.
(giggles)
Question one,
Ted, "do you want to
move in with robin?"
Mm. Yes.
Oh, you got the first one wrong.
The answer is "no",
"you secretly want to be single
And hang out with
your awesome friend barney."
Question two, robin.
"Do you think you can score
a hotter guy than ted?"
Correct. The answer was
awkward silence.
Question three,
"did I just make up this quiz
to prove a point?"
Yes.
Yes, I did.
Really?
You mean
It's not from
old yellow legal pad magazine?
(chuckles)
So? We all agree?
We move ted's stuff
back up here?
Mm... No. We're still
moving in together.
Why?
This is crazy.
Ted you're throwing
your life away.
This girl is blinding you.
With her shiny hair
and her boobed shaped boobs.
This is bad
for you, too, you know.
How are you going to feel
When he sees you
without any makeup?
I'm not wearing makeup
right now.
Holy crap, you're beautiful.
All right then,
how will you feel
When you can't sneak
the occasional cigarette?
Oh, come on,
robin doesn't smoke.
Wait, do you?
Of course not.
Why?
Don't tell me how
to live my life!
Ted, I can't let you do this.
Come on.
This is happening.
So instead of fighting it
why, why don't you just help?
You want me to help you?
Yeah.
Okay, ted.
I'll help you.
Can't believe we actually
got him to take a box down.
Mm.
Maybe he's
Finally getting on board.
(both moan)
Where's the truck?
Where's barney?
Wait for it.
I can't believe this!
Everything I own in
the world is in there.
Except for this box of pot lids.
And the sword.
I'm going to kill him.
I swear to god I'm
going to kill him!
Right. Maybe I'll just
hold on to that.
For now.
Marshall, we live alone.
This is so great!
We can finally do all the things
We always said we wanted
to do if we lived alone.
Oh, I know what I want
to start with.
So, here we are, right?
Sitting around
the apartment naked.
Awesome.
Yep.
It's not as awesome as
I thought it would be.
My butt itches.
I'm cold.
I noticed.
Yeah, like you're one
to talk, pointy.
Barney, I don't know if you got
my other 47 messages,
But if my stuff isn't here
within the hour
I'm calling the cops.
This is the last time
I'm calling you.
Because my charger's
in the back of the truck.
Don't worry, it's barney.
He'll bring the stuff back.
No, it's just...
I was really looking forward
To settling in, you know?
Maybe setting up my tv.
Watching a movie in bed.
(inhales sharply)
What?
Do we really want a tv
in the bedroom?
I thought we did.
I'm not sure that we do.
Well, where else would
we put my tv?
We could just put it
in our storage unit
In the basement.
But wouldn't we miss my tv?
Would we?
Yes, we would.
We've had that tv
for a long time
And we would feel more at home
If it were setup in our bedroom.
We need wine, don't we?
Yes, we do.
(cork pops)
(moaning)
Should we, um, move
this to the bedroom?
Why?
Ted doesn't live here anymore.
We can do it wherever we want.
You know what else?
Hmm?
We don't have
to be quiet anymore.
We can be as loud as we want.
(giggles) (moans)
Okay, I think we need
To lay down some ground rules.
Just because we can be loud
doesn't mean we have to be loud.
And although
it might turn you on,
You screaming, "I'm the best,"
doesn't do much for me.
Well, it's a lot better
than yelling,
"ted's not here,"
over and over again.
Well, at least
what I said is true.
Well, that was unnecessary.
Well, since I only have one box
I figure I might as
well unpack it.
Mm, where do you think
we should put it?
Well, unless you have
a separate pot lid room,
I was thinking the cupboard.
(inhales sharply) what?
Uh, the thing is my kitchen
is kind of small.
And, um, I already have
a bunch of pot lids
And mine come with pots, so...
You're saying
there's no way to make room
For the single box of stuff
I try to move into our place?
Well, why don't you just
take it down to the...
Do not say storage space.
I was going to say dumpster.
Damn it, robin,
this is all I have left
In the world... eight
pot lids and a sword.
Yeah, about the sword.
(cell phone rings)
Hello.
(in deep voice):
Put on the suit, mr. Mosby.
Barney, I know it's you.
Where's my stuff?
It's not me.
If you want to see
Your precious possessions again,
put on the suit.
What suit?
Ding-dong.
Oh, what's that? The doorbell.
That's the suit
I'm talking about.
I haven't gotten
to the door yet.
Oh, okay, let me know
when you get there.
Okay, I opened it.
And there's a suit there.
That's the suit
I'm talking about.
Barney...
This isn't barney.
But I hear that guy's awesome.
All right.
Listen very carefully.
You will get your stuff back
If you are able to complete
a series of challenges.
Number one,
Put on the suit.
Number two, meet me
at mcclaren's in an hour.
How will I know who to look for
since we've never met?
I look like barney.
Oh, hey, ted.
Suit and sneakers.
A little ellen degeneres
but you pull it off.
I don't have any other shoes
Because you stole them along
With everything else I own
in the world.
Where's the truck, barney?
Barney.
People's whose trucks
I'm not holding for ransom
Call me barney.
I think you should call me
the commodore.
I'm not calling you...
Then you're not getting
your stuff back.
Can I please have
my stuff back...
The commodore?
(giggles):
No.
Here's the deal,
Ted, you're my bro.
And you're about to become
a henpecked,
Beaten down, shell of a man.
So tonight,
We are going to have
One last awesome night
together as bros.
It's a bro-ing away party.
A special bro-casion.
A bro-choice rally.
Bro-time at the apollo.
Oh, bro me.
Well, so what do I have to do?
No, it's not
what you have to do,
It's what you want to do,
and you want to have a good time
Before you go take fun ted
out back and shoot him.
So...
First thing on the docket...
Get me that girl's number.
Absolutely not.
Mm. That's too bad.
Hey, hypothetical question:
If I was all your stuff,
would I rather be
At the bottom of the east river
or the hudson?
Hey, look,
world's strongest man is on.
Ooh, it's the one
Where lou ferrigno pulls the bus
From the partridge family
with his teeth.
It's the best one.
Hey, ted, get in...
We live alone.
(softly):
Yay.
Well, I win.
You need to give my
friend your phone number.
Wow, I really
Didn't think lou ferrigno
could pull that bus.
Are you sure this is live?
It looks pretty old.
Yeah, that's 'cause
the, uh, tv is old.
Oh. Oh.
So, I'll, uh, call you tomorrow?
Yeah. Um, not too early.
I have church.
You were impressive, buddy.
Nice work. All right,
next challenge.
No. No next challenge.
Look, this is my first
night living with robin.
She's probably pissed I'm
spending it out with you.
This might be our last hurrah,
my little friend.
Marshall, I am gonna cook you
The best dinner of your life.
How would you like a...
One-egg omelet with some
ketchup and film?
Guess ted's the one
who did the shopping.
Ooh, look, a microwave pizza!
Guess the microwave
was ted's, too.
Yeah.
(shivering):
So were all the towels.
Turns out that
everything that was useful
In this apartment was ted's.
Everything that was
A foghat poster we bought
ironically in college was mine.
Marshall.
Yeah, baby?
I miss ted.
Is it too soon to call him?
No, we shouldn't.
I don't want to interrupt his
first night living with robin.
(electronic laser blasting)
Ha, nice shooting.
You know, if we win this one
It's free onion rings at the
intergalactic snack shack.
Oh, what a bargain.
We only had to spend
20 bucks a game.
Admit it, you're having fun.
Ah, maybe.
I mean, it was pretty funny
when that little girl
Fell over that space barrel.
(both laughing)
(shouting)
Nice...
We win.
Oh, walk of shame,
Walk of game... what up?
Okay. Let's go one more.
I don't know.
You know you want to.
All right, let's do it... I just
got to call robin real quick.
Oh, so that's what it's
gonna be like from now on?
No. Okay, okay.
You call your old lady
And ask permission to have fun.
Me, I will be at the snack shack
Eating our victory
onion rings han style.
Solo.
Hey, ted.
Hey, sweetie listen,
I'm really sorry
But I'm gonna be pretty late,
so don't wait up.
Oh, it's totally fine.
You do what you got to do.
Thanks. You're the best.
I love you.
I love you, too. Bye.
Hey, sorry about that.
Thanks for holding.
Um, so if you could go ahead
and cancel my subscription
To guns and ammo,
that would be great.
No, it's a great magazine.
Really great.
They've printed
three of my letters.
It's just that my boyfriend
is moving in
And he kind of doesn't approve
of the whole gun thing.
A free hand grenade phone?
You know what?
Let me give you my work address.
I did it, baby!
I got beer.
I got food.
(door closes)
We don't need ted anymore.
I am the provider
of this apartment now,
And I have provided!
"Provode"? Provided.
Anyway, I got us
everything we need.
Could you toss me
the toilet paper?
Be right back, baby.
Sit tight.
Hey, I got to admit, um...
I didn't think
I would, but, uh...
I had a really
good time tonight.
You're a good friend, barney.
(clinking)
Hey, man, why don't you, uh...
Why don't you tell me
where my truck is.
No, I don't think so.
Where's my truck?!
Do you know why
I haven't given you any of
your possessions back yet?
Uh, because you're admiral jerk
of the british royal douchery?
Because you don't
want them back.
Oh. You could've left
at any time tonight
But you didn't, ted.
Why is that?
Because I didn't want to go back
to robin's without my stuff.
False. You know
what I think?
I think you spent
one day with her
And it already sucked.
I think you didn't
like being there,
She didn't like having you there
And you both realized
That you made a huge mistake.
And that's why
You spent your first
night living with robin
Out playing laser tag with me.
And that's why three seconds ago
You didn't call it "my place"
Or "our place" or "home,"
You called it "robin's."
You know what?
You can keep my stuff.
Hey. Hey, did you
get the truck back?
No.
Why not? What happened?
Oh, he pissed me
off so much, I left.
Anyway,
I just wanted to come
back here, space out
And watch a movie.
Do you anything
that wasn't made by john woo?
Why, do you?
You know, forget the movie.
I just want to sit.
(sighing)
(inhales sharply)
What?
It's just I eat at that table.
Fine, I'll take my shoes off.
(inhales sharply)
You know, why don't you just
throw me down
In the storage space
where you have room for me.
Ted, come on.
No, you come on.
I had to jump through hoops
all night for barney
And then it took me
an hour to get home
Because his place
is so far away from the bar.
Oh, my god.
What?
I know where barney
put my truck.
Mm.
Let's go back to my place.
I bet you my place is closer.
Here we are.
You live in the loading dock
Behind the bar?
I don't live here, baby.
This is just my ride.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not getting into any van,
I've seen silence of the lambs.
(slow r&b music plays)
Oh, my god.
We're drinking champagne
in the back of a moving van.
Why, yes, sara. Yes, we are.
Those other rockettes
Who called you slow are crazy.
(engine starts)
Oh, my god. I knew it.
You're kidnapping me. Help!
No, no, no, no.
Help!
I can explain.
(cell phone chimes)
Hello?
(sinister voice):
Enjoying the ride?
Ted? Ted, you let us
out of here.
You let us out
of here this instant!
This isn't ted.
But I hear that guy's awesome.
(phone snaps shut)
So I took sara home
And I took barney to a bar
near his apartment.
Apparently, that strategy
had never occurred to him.
That poor girl must've
been so confused. Yeah.
Well, at least barney
learned a valuable lesson.
You do not want to get scissor
kicked in the groin by a rockette.
So, uh, I guess we
should get you unpacked.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess we should.
Lily...
Deep within
the amazonian rainforest,
There is a type
of tree that only grows
Around the body
of an existing tree.
It cannot survive
without this tree.
It is supported...
By this tree.
Lily, we are that tree.
The inside tree or
the outside tree?
The outside tree.
Shouldn't there be three trees?
You and I are one tree.
Okay, look, lily,
The point is that
we grew around ted
And without him,
we're slowly dying.
What do we do?
I think we can marry each other.
But we also have to marry ted.
I'll tell you right now, my dad
Is not gonna pay
for that wedding.
Ted!
What are you doing here?
Robin and I aren't gonna
move in together after all.
What happened?
I thought we decided we were ready?
I know.
How did we come to that again?
I don't remember.
We were fighting?
It's all so blurry.
Yeah.
The "let's move in together" sex
Was pretty amazing.
I know.
I did that thing with no hands
I normally need both to do.
Mm-hmm.
You know...
I'm really happy with you.
I really happy with you.
The way things are.
Yeah. Maybe we
shouldn't mess with that.
I don't know that we should.
Hey...
I hear the "let's not
move in together" sex
Is pretty incredible.
Let's go back to my place.
Mm...
Thank you.
You're welcome.
No, thank you.
You'll be very happy.
Uh, look, I-I know you
guys are really excited
About having the
place to yourself.
Until after the wedding,
I mean, if it's not
Too much of an imposition...
Um...
God, this feels so right.
Mm...
Never leave us again.
Guys, robin's down in the truck
and there's actually
A lot of boxes,
so maybe we should...
Shh...
Do we have time for this?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have in my hand a copy
of tonight's top ten list.
The category: Top ten things
I would've called my truck...
It was never your truck.
If ted hadn't been a jerk
And given it back.
It was a rental.
Number ten,
"the winne-bango."
Number nine,
"the pick-up truck."
Number eight,
"the ford explore her."
Number seven,
"the you scream truck."
You scream.
(all laughing)
Number six,
"feels on wheels." hello!
Number five,
"the ride her truck."
Number four, "the 18-squeeler."
(laughing)
Number three, "the esca-laid."
(chuckles)
Number two, "the slam-boney."
And...
The number one thing
I would've called my truck
If ted hadn't been a jerk
and given it back...
(table drumroll)
"the '69 chevy."
(scatting theme song)
(glass breaking)
Sorry.
(scatting)
Kids, in the spring of 2007,
Everything was great
between me and robin.
So we decided to try
and make it even better.
We decided to move in together.
So, I can have the moving
truck here by 8:00 am.
Does that sound good
to everybody?
(lilly, barney groaning)
By the way, what are you guys
doing with ted's room?
'Cause if you need help
with the rent, I'll take it.
Why would you want
to live with us?
I don't call what you
guys do "living."
Barney:
Here's the deal,
I need a room closer to the bar.
It takes me
Exactly 23 minutes to get a girl
From the bar
back to my apartment.
A lot can go wrong
in 23 minutes.
This is going to be so hot.
Mm.
(snoring)
(buzzer sounding)
She's paying.
I swear,
If he doesn't call me back,
I'm going to go through
with this.
Please hurry, sir.
I want to do dirty stuff
with you.
Stuff I won't let him do.
Every red light run
is an extra $20.
(phone rings)
Baby?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
It was all my fault.
(buzzer sounds)
I am so drunk.
(chuckling)
When I'm this drunk, I go crazy!
I bet you do.
Check this out.
Woo-hoo!
What up nypd?
(siren blares)
(buzzer sounds) so close.
See? If I had
a room here
All I have to do
is get them upstairs.
Come on, guys.
It'll be great!
We'll come in
after you guys are asleep
And I'll be gone
before you wake up.
So, you get to have sex
And we get to wake
some skanky girl up
In the morning and kick her out?
God, lily.
Some guy just told her
that he loved her
Then pretended to go to the
bathroom and never came back
You can't make her a cup
of coffee? Real nice.
I put all your heavy jackets
in this box marked "winter."
And all your colorful
sweaters in this box
Marked "bill cosby."
Make fun, but america loved
that guy for a reason.
(grunts)
Wow!
Almost done.
Not so fast.
Take your sword.
Wow.
End of an era.
Yeah.
It's a bummer
to break up the set,
But you're going
to need that sword.
It's true... my building
is infested with dragons.
Aw, ma.
Looks like our little boy
is finally moving out.
It seems like just yesterday
He was a cute little freshmen.
Discovering
Reggae and ultimate frisbee.
He did it later
than the other kids
But we never pushed him.
No.
We knew he'd get there.
You haven't moved in yet,
have you?
Good.
You guys have to take this quiz.
I found it in a magazine.
It's called the "are you ready
to move in together?" quiz.
Well, if it's anything
like you're
"are you wearing panties" quiz,
I'm out.
(giggles)
Question one,
Ted, "do you want to
move in with robin?"
Mm. Yes.
Oh, you got the first one wrong.
The answer is "no",
"you secretly want to be single
And hang out with
your awesome friend barney."
Question two, robin.
"Do you think you can score
a hotter guy than ted?"
Correct. The answer was
awkward silence.
Question three,
"did I just make up this quiz
to prove a point?"
Yes.
Yes, I did.
Really?
You mean
It's not from
old yellow legal pad magazine?
(chuckles)
So? We all agree?
We move ted's stuff
back up here?
Mm... No. We're still
moving in together.
Why?
This is crazy.
Ted you're throwing
your life away.
This girl is blinding you.
With her shiny hair
and her boobed shaped boobs.
This is bad
for you, too, you know.
How are you going to feel
When he sees you
without any makeup?
I'm not wearing makeup
right now.
Holy crap, you're beautiful.
All right then,
how will you feel
When you can't sneak
the occasional cigarette?
Oh, come on,
robin doesn't smoke.
Wait, do you?
Of course not.
Why?
Don't tell me how
to live my life!
Ted, I can't let you do this.
Come on.
This is happening.
So instead of fighting it
why, why don't you just help?
You want me to help you?
Yeah.
Okay, ted.
I'll help you.
Can't believe we actually
got him to take a box down.
Mm.
Maybe he's
Finally getting on board.
(both moan)
Where's the truck?
Where's barney?
Wait for it.
I can't believe this!
Everything I own in
the world is in there.
Except for this box of pot lids.
And the sword.
I'm going to kill him.
I swear to god I'm
going to kill him!
Right. Maybe I'll just
hold on to that.
For now.
Marshall, we live alone.
This is so great!
We can finally do all the things
We always said we wanted
to do if we lived alone.
Oh, I know what I want
to start with.
So, here we are, right?
Sitting around
the apartment naked.
Awesome.
Yep.
It's not as awesome as
I thought it would be.
My butt itches.
I'm cold.
I noticed.
Yeah, like you're one
to talk, pointy.
Barney, I don't know if you got
my other 47 messages,
But if my stuff isn't here
within the hour
I'm calling the cops.
This is the last time
I'm calling you.
Because my charger's
in the back of the truck.
Don't worry, it's barney.
He'll bring the stuff back.
No, it's just...
I was really looking forward
To settling in, you know?
Maybe setting up my tv.
Watching a movie in bed.
(inhales sharply)
What?
Do we really want a tv
in the bedroom?
I thought we did.
I'm not sure that we do.
Well, where else would
we put my tv?
We could just put it
in our storage unit
In the basement.
But wouldn't we miss my tv?
Would we?
Yes, we would.
We've had that tv
for a long time
And we would feel more at home
If it were setup in our bedroom.
We need wine, don't we?
Yes, we do.
(cork pops)
(moaning)
Should we, um, move
this to the bedroom?
Why?
Ted doesn't live here anymore.
We can do it wherever we want.
You know what else?
Hmm?
We don't have
to be quiet anymore.
We can be as loud as we want.
(giggles) (moans)
Okay, I think we need
To lay down some ground rules.
Just because we can be loud
doesn't mean we have to be loud.
And although
it might turn you on,
You screaming, "I'm the best,"
doesn't do much for me.
Well, it's a lot better
than yelling,
"ted's not here,"
over and over again.
Well, at least
what I said is true.
Well, that was unnecessary.
Well, since I only have one box
I figure I might as
well unpack it.
Mm, where do you think
we should put it?
Well, unless you have
a separate pot lid room,
I was thinking the cupboard.
(inhales sharply) what?
Uh, the thing is my kitchen
is kind of small.
And, um, I already have
a bunch of pot lids
And mine come with pots, so...
You're saying
there's no way to make room
For the single box of stuff
I try to move into our place?
Well, why don't you just
take it down to the...
Do not say storage space.
I was going to say dumpster.
Damn it, robin,
this is all I have left
In the world... eight
pot lids and a sword.
Yeah, about the sword.
(cell phone rings)
Hello.
(in deep voice):
Put on the suit, mr. Mosby.
Barney, I know it's you.
Where's my stuff?
It's not me.
If you want to see
Your precious possessions again,
put on the suit.
What suit?
Ding-dong.
Oh, what's that? The doorbell.
That's the suit
I'm talking about.
I haven't gotten
to the door yet.
Oh, okay, let me know
when you get there.
Okay, I opened it.
And there's a suit there.
That's the suit
I'm talking about.
Barney...
This isn't barney.
But I hear that guy's awesome.
All right.
Listen very carefully.
You will get your stuff back
If you are able to complete
a series of challenges.
Number one,
Put on the suit.
Number two, meet me
at mcclaren's in an hour.
How will I know who to look for
since we've never met?
I look like barney.
Oh, hey, ted.
Suit and sneakers.
A little ellen degeneres
but you pull it off.
I don't have any other shoes
Because you stole them along
With everything else I own
in the world.
Where's the truck, barney?
Barney.
People's whose trucks
I'm not holding for ransom
Call me barney.
I think you should call me
the commodore.
I'm not calling you...
Then you're not getting
your stuff back.
Can I please have
my stuff back...
The commodore?
(giggles):
No.
Here's the deal,
Ted, you're my bro.
And you're about to become
a henpecked,
Beaten down, shell of a man.
So tonight,
We are going to have
One last awesome night
together as bros.
It's a bro-ing away party.
A special bro-casion.
A bro-choice rally.
Bro-time at the apollo.
Oh, bro me.
Well, so what do I have to do?
No, it's not
what you have to do,
It's what you want to do,
and you want to have a good time
Before you go take fun ted
out back and shoot him.
So...
First thing on the docket...
Get me that girl's number.
Absolutely not.
Mm. That's too bad.
Hey, hypothetical question:
If I was all your stuff,
would I rather be
At the bottom of the east river
or the hudson?
Hey, look,
world's strongest man is on.
Ooh, it's the one
Where lou ferrigno pulls the bus
From the partridge family
with his teeth.
It's the best one.
Hey, ted, get in...
We live alone.
(softly):
Yay.
Well, I win.
You need to give my
friend your phone number.
Wow, I really
Didn't think lou ferrigno
could pull that bus.
Are you sure this is live?
It looks pretty old.
Yeah, that's 'cause
the, uh, tv is old.
Oh. Oh.
So, I'll, uh, call you tomorrow?
Yeah. Um, not too early.
I have church.
You were impressive, buddy.
Nice work. All right,
next challenge.
No. No next challenge.
Look, this is my first
night living with robin.
She's probably pissed I'm
spending it out with you.
This might be our last hurrah,
my little friend.
Marshall, I am gonna cook you
The best dinner of your life.
How would you like a...
One-egg omelet with some
ketchup and film?
Guess ted's the one
who did the shopping.
Ooh, look, a microwave pizza!
Guess the microwave
was ted's, too.
Yeah.
(shivering):
So were all the towels.
Turns out that
everything that was useful
In this apartment was ted's.
Everything that was
A foghat poster we bought
ironically in college was mine.
Marshall.
Yeah, baby?
I miss ted.
Is it too soon to call him?
No, we shouldn't.
I don't want to interrupt his
first night living with robin.
(electronic laser blasting)
Ha, nice shooting.
You know, if we win this one
It's free onion rings at the
intergalactic snack shack.
Oh, what a bargain.
We only had to spend
20 bucks a game.
Admit it, you're having fun.
Ah, maybe.
I mean, it was pretty funny
when that little girl
Fell over that space barrel.
(both laughing)
(shouting)
Nice...
We win.
Oh, walk of shame,
Walk of game... what up?
Okay. Let's go one more.
I don't know.
You know you want to.
All right, let's do it... I just
got to call robin real quick.
Oh, so that's what it's
gonna be like from now on?
No. Okay, okay.
You call your old lady
And ask permission to have fun.
Me, I will be at the snack shack
Eating our victory
onion rings han style.
Solo.
Hey, ted.
Hey, sweetie listen,
I'm really sorry
But I'm gonna be pretty late,
so don't wait up.
Oh, it's totally fine.
You do what you got to do.
Thanks. You're the best.
I love you.
I love you, too. Bye.
Hey, sorry about that.
Thanks for holding.
Um, so if you could go ahead
and cancel my subscription
To guns and ammo,
that would be great.
No, it's a great magazine.
Really great.
They've printed
three of my letters.
It's just that my boyfriend
is moving in
And he kind of doesn't approve
of the whole gun thing.
A free hand grenade phone?
You know what?
Let me give you my work address.
I did it, baby!
I got beer.
I got food.
(door closes)
We don't need ted anymore.
I am the provider
of this apartment now,
And I have provided!
"Provode"? Provided.
Anyway, I got us
everything we need.
Could you toss me
the toilet paper?
Be right back, baby.
Sit tight.
Hey, I got to admit, um...
I didn't think
I would, but, uh...
I had a really
good time tonight.
You're a good friend, barney.
(clinking)
Hey, man, why don't you, uh...
Why don't you tell me
where my truck is.
No, I don't think so.
Where's my truck?!
Do you know why
I haven't given you any of
your possessions back yet?
Uh, because you're admiral jerk
of the british royal douchery?
Because you don't
want them back.
Oh. You could've left
at any time tonight
But you didn't, ted.
Why is that?
Because I didn't want to go back
to robin's without my stuff.
False. You know
what I think?
I think you spent
one day with her
And it already sucked.
I think you didn't
like being there,
She didn't like having you there
And you both realized
That you made a huge mistake.
And that's why
You spent your first
night living with robin
Out playing laser tag with me.
And that's why three seconds ago
You didn't call it "my place"
Or "our place" or "home,"
You called it "robin's."
You know what?
You can keep my stuff.
Hey. Hey, did you
get the truck back?
No.
Why not? What happened?
Oh, he pissed me
off so much, I left.
Anyway,
I just wanted to come
back here, space out
And watch a movie.
Do you anything
that wasn't made by john woo?
Why, do you?
You know, forget the movie.
I just want to sit.
(sighing)
(inhales sharply)
What?
It's just I eat at that table.
Fine, I'll take my shoes off.
(inhales sharply)
You know, why don't you just
throw me down
In the storage space
where you have room for me.
Ted, come on.
No, you come on.
I had to jump through hoops
all night for barney
And then it took me
an hour to get home
Because his place
is so far away from the bar.
Oh, my god.
What?
I know where barney
put my truck.
Mm.
Let's go back to my place.
I bet you my place is closer.
Here we are.
You live in the loading dock
Behind the bar?
I don't live here, baby.
This is just my ride.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not getting into any van,
I've seen silence of the lambs.
(slow r&b music plays)
Oh, my god.
We're drinking champagne
in the back of a moving van.
Why, yes, sara. Yes, we are.
Those other rockettes
Who called you slow are crazy.
(engine starts)
Oh, my god. I knew it.
You're kidnapping me. Help!
No, no, no, no.
Help!
I can explain.
(cell phone chimes)
Hello?
(sinister voice):
Enjoying the ride?
Ted? Ted, you let us
out of here.
You let us out
of here this instant!
This isn't ted.
But I hear that guy's awesome.
(phone snaps shut)
So I took sara home
And I took barney to a bar
near his apartment.
Apparently, that strategy
had never occurred to him.
That poor girl must've
been so confused. Yeah.
Well, at least barney
learned a valuable lesson.
You do not want to get scissor
kicked in the groin by a rockette.
So, uh, I guess we
should get you unpacked.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess we should.
Lily...
Deep within
the amazonian rainforest,
There is a type
of tree that only grows
Around the body
of an existing tree.
It cannot survive
without this tree.
It is supported...
By this tree.
Lily, we are that tree.
The inside tree or
the outside tree?
The outside tree.
Shouldn't there be three trees?
You and I are one tree.
Okay, look, lily,
The point is that
we grew around ted
And without him,
we're slowly dying.
What do we do?
I think we can marry each other.
But we also have to marry ted.
I'll tell you right now, my dad
Is not gonna pay
for that wedding.
Ted!
What are you doing here?
Robin and I aren't gonna
move in together after all.
What happened?
I thought we decided we were ready?
I know.
How did we come to that again?
I don't remember.
We were fighting?
It's all so blurry.
Yeah.
The "let's move in together" sex
Was pretty amazing.
I know.
I did that thing with no hands
I normally need both to do.
Mm-hmm.
You know...
I'm really happy with you.
I really happy with you.
The way things are.
Yeah. Maybe we
shouldn't mess with that.
I don't know that we should.
Hey...
I hear the "let's not
move in together" sex
Is pretty incredible.
Let's go back to my place.
Mm...
Thank you.
You're welcome.
No, thank you.
You'll be very happy.
Uh, look, I-I know you
guys are really excited
About having the
place to yourself.
Until after the wedding,
I mean, if it's not
Too much of an imposition...
Um...
God, this feels so right.
Mm...
Never leave us again.
Guys, robin's down in the truck
and there's actually
A lot of boxes,
so maybe we should...
Shh...
Do we have time for this?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have in my hand a copy
of tonight's top ten list.
The category: Top ten things
I would've called my truck...
It was never your truck.
If ted hadn't been a jerk
And given it back.
It was a rental.
Number ten,
"the winne-bango."
Number nine,
"the pick-up truck."
Number eight,
"the ford explore her."
Number seven,
"the you scream truck."
You scream.
(all laughing)
Number six,
"feels on wheels." hello!
Number five,
"the ride her truck."
Number four, "the 18-squeeler."
(laughing)
Number three, "the esca-laid."
(chuckles)
Number two, "the slam-boney."
And...
The number one thing
I would've called my truck
If ted hadn't been a jerk
and given it back...
(table drumroll)
"the '69 chevy."
(scatting theme song)
(glass breaking)
Sorry.
(scatting)